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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #38 - "Debt and Gift"

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Sibylus

Banned
Theme - "Debt and Gift"

Word Limit: 1800

Submission Deadline: Wednesday, 10/07 by 11:59 PM Pacific.

Voting begins Thursday, 10/08, and goes until Saturday, 10/10 at 11:59 PM Pacific.

Secondary Objective: Invention. Coin a word, figure of speech, or phrase that is unusual and means something. Can you say something in a way that appears alien at first glance, but revelatory on a second?

Submission Guidelines:

- One entry per poster.
- All submissions must be written during the time of the challenge.
- Using the topic as the title of your piece is discouraged.
- Keep to the word count!

Voting Guidelines:

- Three votes per voter. Please denote in your voting your 1st (3 pts), 2nd (2 pts), and 3rd (1 pt) place votes.
- Please read all submissions before voting.
- You must vote in order to be eligible to win the challenge.
- When voting ends, the winner gets a collective pat on the back, and starts the new challenge.

NeoGAF Creative Writing FAQs
 

Irish

Member
I like it. I have no idea what I'm going to do though. I know I said I was going to do something more "out-there", but I'm not sure if this is the right challenge for that. I have a terrible style, so I'm going to have to up the level of my ideas a bit. Or, work on that whole style thing.

I think the secondary objective is interesting as well. I forgot to do the last one, which disappointed me because I normally try to work that in.
 
Congrats again, man. Finally back from visiting family and the University of Arizona, which has an amazing campus.

Theme sounds interesting. I'll rest up, get my mind working again, and gear up for it. :D
 

Cyan

Banned
So, this might be a good time to mention NaNoWriMo. Last year, we planned to keep the challenges going during it, but they just fizzled out. The regulars were all too busy writing novels, and the whole thing came to a crashing halt.

I suggest that rather than let that happen again, we choose, in a more orderly fashion, to suspend the challenges during NaNo. #39 will conclude shortly before the end of October, why don't we take a break at that point and then the winner can start #40 at the beginning of December?

Thoughts?
 
Cyan said:
So, this might be a good time to mention NaNoWriMo. Last year, we planned to keep the challenges going during it, but they just fizzled out. The regulars were all too busy writing novels, and the whole thing came to a crashing halt.

I suggest that rather than let that happen again, we choose, in a more orderly fashion, to suspend the challenges during NaNo. #39 will conclude shortly before the end of October, why don't we take a break at that point and then the winner can start #40 at the beginning of December?

Thoughts?

Sounds great to me. Although not because of NaNoWriMo, but rather those rapidly approaching end of semester exams.
 

Aaron

Member
The Incinerator's Lament
word count: 1,791

Yuka huffed as she dropped her frayed duffle bag to her old bed. A combination of public transport and worn tennis shoes had returned her home for her first visit since starting college. Brushing aside her short, black locks, she smirked at her Hello Kitty comforter, and poster of Ran wrinkled in a corner, seeing them anew with brown eyes more experienced in the wide world outside her star-splattered door. Though her lips formed a frown when he noticed something missing.

"Mom, where's Mister Yojimbo?" Yuka inquired as she headed down the stairs into the bright, pristine kitchen where he mother was carving and slicing through vegetables in a furious tsunami that soon settled into two freshly made salads.

"That old stuffed bunny? I threw it out," the middle-aged woman idly replied, still brandishing a long knife like a samurai before a duel. Not a single raven hair was out of place, nor did a single seed or drop of juice marred her white apron.

"But that was a gift from grandma!" Yuka protested with clenched fists, though her father always lectured her about controlling her anger. He lived in another prefecture now, parting ways with mom once Yuka was old enough to stand on her own. The stuffed bunny had been a present from his mother, now deceased, and that made it obvious why it had been tossed to the curb.

Yuka's mother waited with knife in hand to continue this argument, but then came the characteristic 'beep beep' of the garbage truck from outside, collecting the burnable trash. Yuka turned and rushed for the window, catching a hint of white fur before it vanished into the yawning orifice of the vehicle below. The truck had already begun to pull away as she opened the window and leapt for the street. After all, it was only two stories below.

Yuka hit the road with knees bent, springing into a sprint as the truck rushed along the curbside, beeping and inhaling trash without stopping, or heeding her at all as she shouted, "Wait! Stop!"

It wasn't as fast as the local gold medalist for varsity track. Yuka had nearly reached the back of the foul-smelling contraption when it suddenly farted out a cloud of black smoke, shifting into a higher gear to zoom out onto the highway.

'Don't run on the highway,' Yuka's father had said to her more than once, sitting out by the edge and watching the sleek cars and bulky transports blur by, unable to tell where one ended and another began. Only her grandmother had let her do that.

Yuka took in a big breath, feeling the tension pass through her well toned muscles, glad she hadn't changed out of her light top, sweatpants, and best running shoes. She set her foot on the low rail, and leapt onto the roof of a speeding car, landing flat to keep the speed from tossing her aside. There was some muffled complaint from the passenger within, impossible to hear clearly with the wind screaming in her ears.

The garbage truck was already a half dozen vehicles ahead, and jockeying for position among the ten lanes of automated traffic. This flowed along on different bands that looped up and down, and occasionally crossed under or overhead. As a small child, she had always shut her eyes when they had gone on trips, but now they were only half closed against the harsh sun and howling wind.

Yuka bounded for the next vehicle, only to be smacked back by the rushing air, leaving her stumbling and slipping over the sleek surfaces of cars that whined with their pathetic little bleeps in protest, unable to do anything as they rushed towards their preprogrammed destinations. With the garbage truck already slipping out of sight, Yuka could only keep her head down and cross car after car in a bare run, occasionally fumbling and grasping to pull herself ahead, while making small hops as powerful leaps to compensate for this velocity.

"Like a rabbit," Yuka muttered to herself with a smile as she clung to the roof of a large black transport, having lost sight of the trash truck for a moment. That's what her grandmother had called her, usagi, and chose her to receive the stuffed animal that had been in her family for generations. She could not allow it to end up incinerated by the whims of her temperamental mother.

Then the garbage truck reappeared, but on a lane that rose over Yuka's head, and gradually sloped further into the calm sky. So the teenager gathered up an even greater breath, sucking in as much air as she could stand until her cheeks resembled two apples, leaping and unleashing her breath at the same time. Expelled air struck the wind, canceling it out for a moment. Long enough for Yuka to scramble more like a monkey up the side of the rising lane, and plant her feet on the pavement right in front of the garbage truck, knowing it's AI had to stop for obstructions.

Only it didn't. With another belch of dark smoke, the vehicle shook and leapt right over her head, altering in the air as the thick wheels vanished into the metal housing, growing stubby wings while large thrusters emerged. In a blast of fire and heat, it surged off into the sky, leaving behind a smoldering Yuka.

After cursing loud enough to scatter a flock of birds, Yuka bent low to the road and raced up the inclined lane faster than she had ever moved before. The bulky garbage truck wobbled uneasily in the air, but still slowly pulled ahead. Though the first real problem in how it drifted up higher and higher in the sky, already well out of reach. The second was the lane she was currently running on was about to come to an abrupt end.

Yuka didn't falter as she reached the lip of the upturned road, but vaulted directly into a sky thick with air traffic, and just barely grasping the single downturned thruster of a floating skylamp, which slowly began to sink earthward while sputtering and threatening to die. Yuka flinched more in fear of setting her hair ablaze, yanking it closer to the flow of aircraft before dropping with some relief to the canvas back of a truck loaded with produce, shuddering and coughing its way through the sky.

The gleaming megascrapers of a modern city rose up on either side of this main thoroughfare, some with parking bays and others with tunnels to let a trickle of traffic pass through. Even though it was slower here, the vehicles were also more spaced out than on the elevated freeway miles below. So Yuka had to strangle her own impatience as she hung low to the truck, bounding to the next vehicle heading roughly in the direction of her quarry.

Yuka didn't look down. She leapt from car to truck to transport, following the smell of refuse mixed among the fresh wind and stale exhaust. Her skin was covered in goosebumps from the cold while the thinner air made her feel lightheaded, but driven by love and familiar duty, she boldly jumped until she neared the rusted side of the garbage truck. Only for it to take a sudden nosedive towards the city dump now lying directly below.

"You're not getting away!" Yuka pledged against the wind as she dove after it headfirst, easily reaching it with her reckless dive set against its controlled descent, but nearly searing her own face as the back thrusters lit to life again, as if its tiny computer brain had finally gotten annoyed with this persistent human.

Yuka landed awkwardly on its metal shell, dazed and disorientated as the garbage truck righted itself. So she was left to cling on and watch as it dumped its mostly unwanted cargo, including a hint of white fur, into the vastness below. She could only fall after it.

Thick globs splattered Yuka as she landed in slime, rolling onto a bed of junk full of bright plastic packaging and clunky electronics of every shape and form. The stench was unbearable, forcing her to pull up the collar of her shirt, though the foul odor had already sunk right into the fabric. Hills of debris littered the landscape, with more raining down from above, though floating fearlessly among this hail of rubbish, robots sorted out the burnable and recyclable, sending them on floating platforms downstream.

So Yuka rushed alongside this bubbling river of muck to arrive at a massive construction of steel with smokestacks bound on either side. It resembled a blocky octopus, with its tentacles ending in ports where the cargo of the river flowed in, included the familiar stuffed samurai bunny. The body of the incinerator was a massive mouth surrounded by bolts, and raging with an inferno to burn all it touched. That was something Yuka couldn't allow.

Tearing free the hood of a broken car, she scooped up the muck of the river and hurled it towards the blaze, only for a smokestack to pull itself from the ground, and knock aside this wet blob, flexing steel beams as fingers. Then the incinerator ripped the other smokestack free, grabbing a great handful of trash to hurl at this disrespectful human.

Yuka stood her ground, yanking out a dented axle to swing and smash the ball of rubbish into a thousand scattered pieces. Though that was only a distraction, as the first hand suddenly seized her in a crushing grip she couldn't shake free. She struggled and resisted as this creaking mechanism of ash-covered steel brought her close to the inferno. She just started to feel the heat on her face when suddenly this towering robot froze.

Then from within came the sound of steel slicing steel with the rapid pace of a machine gun, leaving the incinerator shuddering and gasping as its fire wavered. It reached back with its free hand, only for that arm to fall to the trash, shoulder joint severed from within. Soon the other arm fell, leaving Yuka freeing herself from numb fingers in time to see great gouges appear all over its frame, until she caught sight of a great sword swing that snuffed out its internal fire.

So the incinerator exploded outwards in a burst of metal bits that left Yuka untouched. All that remained was a pile of unburned trash, and a bunny in samurai garb at the summit, with glassy eyes staring vacantly up at the calm sky.

"Oh, Mister Yojimbo. Can't you ever keep out of trouble?" Yuka exclaimed in delight as she held the stuffed animal close, ash falling from the hilt of its sheathed sword.
 

Cyan

Banned
Just got an encouraging response from Brain Harvest on a story I sent them a while back. :)

Actually, maybe this should go in the writing workshop thread...
 

Sibylus

Banned
Is this that OP curse you guys are talking about? I've got very few good ideas D:

Also, I'll probably be going down to the coast to visit cousins on the wednesday/thursday of the contest deadline (back on monday), so I won't be able to count votes and declare the winner. Can somebody handle that when the time comes? Thankshz.
 

Belfast

Member
Botolf said:
Is this that OP curse you guys are talking about? I've got very few good ideas D:

Also, I'll probably be going down to the coast to visit cousins on the wednesday/thursday of the contest deadline (back on monday), so I won't be able to count votes and declare the winner. Can somebody handle that when the time comes? Thankshz.

Who knows. The problem for me right now is that there are two idea to consider instead of the usual one. Certainly, debt and gift are related in some ways, but they're still essentially two different concepts. I'm having a hard time reconciling them in my brain and turning that into a story.
 

Irish

Member
Ah, I'm drawing a total blank with this one. To add to that, I won't be able to sit down and type something, so this story (if I can find one in my head) will have to be completed in a notebook. Hopefully, I'll have time to quickly type it up before the deadline.
 
I've finally gotten an idea. I'm pretty damn sure it has been done before, but at least it's in a style I haven't worked in yet.
 
My piece is going to be very Timedoggish. I've been having some incredibly strange dreams recently and I want to craft it into a story that randomly ties itself together. I'm not sure what to do with the theme (as it's a bit... abstract? I have no idea how to tie debt and gift together), but I definitely have a direction. I'll probably work on it some tonight or save it until Tuesday when I have more free time.
 

starsky

Member
Four stood side by side, each wearing a shirt with large-print across the chest: white capitalized fonts on black. The tall, slim, full-lipped one at the left was tapping her shoulder with a baseball bat – cigarette hanging precariously at the edge of her mouth. Her shirt spelt out ‘GLIMMER’. No names, these four. Just their shirts.

It was the one that stood by her side, ‘GLITTER’, who leant forward towards me, her face half hidden by one of those super-large chrome sunglasses. “Sorry, guv, nothing personal.” There were tiny droplets on her hair. I wished it had not been raining so much. My mother told me the river was swollen with downpour the day she went to the morgue. They could not find father’s body for many days. They said he was lost in the currents. When he was found, we lost him to the waters anyway. Bloated face and engorged limbs of pale, sickly veins - not human. Not father. An ugly thing found in the river. Not father. I felt my teeth clatter, a little.

Glimmer spat at the ground. “Ask him again.”

I looked at her, as I did a few minutes ago, when she smiled at me before the baseball bat smashed the sides of my ribs. This time, she did not smile. I was relieved. The most beautiful one at the other end sighed, drawling as she asked me the same question they had been asking me the whole night. “Where is Miss SPARKLE?”

“I don’t know.” I knew she was dangerous, my Sparkle. I felt, rather than saw, the blow. Not the bat, a fist. It was delivered by the only male in the group, a Mr. ‘SHINE’, whom I assumed was their leader. He was a skilled pugilist, fracturing my jaw easily with his deceptively fine arm.

“You’re not doing yourself any favours, guv.” Glitter watched, smiling a little, when I coughed blood out of my brutalized face.

Glimmer rolled her eyes, irritated, a cornered animal. “Let me take him out of his misery, already.”

“Your misery.” I retorted, bitterly, glaring at her with as much hatred as I could out of my only working eye, “You have done everything and you have gotten nothing. She-“

This time I saw it coming, it was the beautiful one’s little knife, dancing suddenly at her fingers. ‘SHIMMER’ hissed her words as she placed the sharp end of her blade at my throat, “She stole what was ours, boy.”

I held her gaze, but my voice was shaking. “You stole what was not yours, lady.”

Shine laughed, a strangely amicable tone, “May we be lucky enough to be blessed with strength and health. The rest, we shall steal.”

All his ladies grinned. Glitter added, “Amen to that, brother.”

“Alright, alright. Let’s finish up, hey?” Shimmer suggested. “Obviously, our little star is not going to perform the song we want, boo.”

I felt my heart tightening when I saw the rope. They went searching the warehouse for a while, for something that would be heavy enough to drag me to the bottom of the water. At length, Shimmer returned with an abandoned car’s battery, caked with dirt and as dead a weight as death itself. Glitter and Glimmer worked it to the ropes, grunting a little as they shifted the task between them.

“Even if you k-kill me, you will n-never get to see any of that money. Never.”

Shine flashed a grin at me. “Some things are worth every penny. I hope your last moments will be ...SPARKLING.” He waved his hands at the last words, like a magician. My bones rattled within the confines of meat, a coldness I never knew. Old Man Reaper’s teeth grating down my spine. No. Not like this. Not father. Not me.

They looped the rope around my neck. Once. Twice. A few times around my waist. Death’s fingers. He coiled his diseased, yellow, many-jointed limbs around me – an embrace. I was shivering violently. I was dragged out of the hollow, cold, mute warehouse into the pour. The world slate and noise. Glimmer kept pushing my back with the end of her baseball bat. The other two made small talk further behind us, one was suggesting another bank to hit, and the other grumbling about some old, rich, useless people.

I arrived at the edge of the pier, unsteady feet for unsteady soul. Maybe I should tell them where she was. Maybe she would be able to handle herself. Maybe I ought to save myself. Maybe.

“End of the line, guv.” Glitter’s voice - almost inaudible in the rain.

Glimmer spat again, paused, and then asked, “What now? Shall we count, or what?”

Beautiful Shimmer laughed. “Just kick him in.”

Strange moments passed by, a mere three-second that felt like a lifetime filled with nothing but the sounds of silence. Shine put his fine-fingered hand on the back of my left shoulder, about to push me in.

And then – “Wait.”

My voice caught at my throat. Again, louder. “Wait.”

“Oh-ho. Seems like he’s finally got a gift to offer.” Glimmer remarked, her tone slightly nonplussed.

“I hope it’s enough to cover for that bitch’s debts.” Tall, impossibly graceful Shimmer.

“Let’s have it, guv.” Glitter. She was chuckling as if she had wagered all along on my breaking. I would like to break her very much in return, then and there. Mr. Shine’s hand still on my back. Not now. Now was time to swallow things whole.

I told them where she was.


That was how Mr. 'DAZZLE' joined the gang.
 

Irish

Member
Well, I've finally found an idea. Now I just need to write it all out, but I'm not sure if I will have the time.
 

Irish

Member
"You're lying, Rich. I can see the lie on your face. Besides, any common idiot such as me would know that a girl like Carrie Wentworth wouldn't waste her time with a 'yella bellied country boy' like you."

The pair of boys, Richard Ashmiller and Glen Allen, were on their way home from an extended day at school. It was a breezy autumn afternoon, but the chillier weather didn't affect their usual after-school conversation. As usual, the conversation focused on one of the many girls at the school. Like every other day, jibes and taunts were carelessly tossed between the two youngsters like bullets in a war.

"What in the world are you talking about? I was born and raised here in the city. I'm not a coward either, unlike you. You'd forget your own name if Carrie Wentworth came up to you. 'G-G-G-Gary.' That's what you'd call yourself."

Glen sent a forceless punch towards his best friend, the white sleeve of his hooded sweatshirt trailing behind his fist like the tail of a comet. Richard allowed his friend's hand to slide off his black windbreaker without flinching.

"Yeah right. I'd walk right up to her and say 'I'm Gary Allen. It's been a pleasure to make your acquaintance.' Then I'd simply walk away as if I were never there. She'd remember me forever."

Richard glared intently at his friend for a few moments before letting out a rich, hearty laugh.

"So, you'd talk like an old man? If you did that, she would probably report you to the authorities and then forget about you before the end of the day."

The younger of the two, Glen, placed his palm on Rich's shoulder as a sarcastic look crossed his tanned face.

"Ha. Ha. Very freakin' funny. I think I know who the next 'Comedian of the Year' will be. Talking about speaking like an antique, who says 'report you to the authorities' nowadays? You really shouldn't... LOOK OUT!"

Acting quickly, Glen tightened his grip on Rich's shoulder and pulled him backwards. The older boy tripped over the curb he had just stepped down from and fell to the ground behind him. An instant later, a large white semi-truck with the blue Kroger logo painted on its side passed right beside the curb the boys were on, blasting its horn all the while. Glen 'flipped the bird' at the passing truck before reaching a hand down to his slightly dazed friend. Rich took Glen's hand and climbed back to his feet.

"Thanks Glen, I owe you my life."

Glen towards to his friend and smiled.

"Are you serious? If so, I've always thought it would be nice to have a personal servant. In fact, Mom's really been cracking down on cleaning lately. I think you'd make the perfect maid for our family."
_____________________________________________________________________________

"Have you found him yet?"

Rich Ashmiller and his personal assistant were sitting across from each other in Rich's corner office. Both of them were wearing gray business suits.

"Richard, we've been trying our hardest. We know he was your good friend and everything, but I think you're putting too many resources into finding just one man. You need to think of your family and the company, especially with the way things are now."

Richard slid back in his chair and got up. Then, he walked over to the closest window and gazed at the city below him, a determined look glued to his face.

"That is precisely what I am doing. We don't have a lot of time, that's why we need to get him now."

His assistant looked up at him, his face a mix of emotions.

"I don't see why it has to be him. He hasn't even been around for ages. Hell, neither you nor anyone else has seen him since the accident. It's like he fell off the face of the earth. No records of his activities..."

A knock on the door stopped the man from continuing his well-practiced speech. Richard walked over to the door and opened it, allowing his secretary in. She was wearing a gray pantsuit; gray seemingly being the color of the day.

"Mr. Ashmiller, a Mr. Glen Allen checked in at one of the shelters here in the city. We'll have to act quickly if you want to catch him before he disappears once again."

A smile appeared on Richard's face as he rushed to his office closet and pulled on his dark bridge coat.

"The family and I have missed him so much. We needed him as much as he probably needed us after the accident. Let's go."

Now dressed for the cold winter weather, Rich sprinted down the hallway towards the elevator. Five steps before the door, he fainted, his right hand clutching the left side of his chest.

______________________________________________________________________________

"Is your name Glen Allen?"

A scruffy man in his late forties looked up at a man and woman wearing matching navy blue suits.

"I suppose that's me. What do you need? I'm afraid I gave my last couple million to a friend of mine out west, so I won't be able to give you any money."

The pair merely looked down on the man.

"Well, I see you guys aren't the joking type. What do you really need me for?"

The business associates eased up and started explaining their reasons for searching him out.

"We're here on business for Richard Ashmiller's behalf."

A smile appeared across the bearded man's face.

"How's he doing?"

A frown crossed the partners' faces.

"Unfortunately, Mr. Ashmiller passed away earlier in the week. He was actually on his way to see you, but couldn't make it in time. The health of his heart has been declining these last few years and it finally decided to give out on him just as he set out to meet with you. He would want you to be at his funeral."

A tear rolled down the homeless man's cheek and slipped into the jungle of his beard.

______________________________________________________________________________

Now cleaned up, Glen Allen and Carrie Ashmiller were seated around Richard's lawyer's desk. He was reading from Rich's will, but most of it was rather hard to understand. Once finished with all of the legal jargon, the lawyer looked up and smiled at the two people close to Richard.

"Well, it seems like Rich has left a little note that simplifies everything. I didn't realize that he did this, but everything about it seems okay. Here's what it says:"

Glen, I hope I got the chance to meet up with you before I left, but if I didn't, I want you to know that Carrie and I have missed you dearly. Anyway, I know you like things to be short and sweet, so here's the abridged version of my will. Basically, everything belongs to you and Carrie. Well, there is one condition. I want you and Carrie to stay together. This shouldn't be too hard considering you guys have always had an interest in each other. Anyway, all of my money and the company reigns belong to you now. Thank you for being my friend. Now, I have repaid my debt to you. My life is now yours.


___________________________________________________________________________


Alright, the very first part was handwritten, but I came up with the rest after typing up the first part. Both parts were written in very different environments, so I imagine they probably don't mesh that well.

Anyway, for your crits, I was wondering if you could tell me where my writing is weakest and what the strong points were if there were any. Then again, you do anything you want in your critique. It's all up to you. I'm just trying to improve my writing ability. Thank you for the time.
 
Æþelræd Unræd or: this story is not about an old king
Word Count: 1105

So, chiefly, this piece is going to be filled with guilt, regret, and the promise of something new in the future. Or maybe it won't be. I'm letting the words jump from my fingertips onto the virtual screen, the line between reality and the virtual world becoming fluid and dynamic; you could imagine putting your finger in a pile of sticky goo that bends downward from the pressure of your finger and then lets go when you pull away. This story is kind of like that. It's about everything and nothing.

My father died a few weeks ago. The pain kind of becomes a sort of numb scar that resides on the back corner of your brain; it's there but you don't want to recognize it so you sort of drown it out in alcohol and marijuana. You let your social life keep you from remembering what it is that makes you hurt deep down. You even make mistakes and fuck up friendships and before all this happened you may have felt like desperately trying to fix them but now you realize that friends are like leaves, they die off just as new ones come to fruition.

So you feel just as 'unready' as Æþelræd up there, unsure of what to do and what actions to take. As the absence of a goal has seeped in, my dreams have become increasingly hard to figure out. One night, I dreamt I was talking to Ellen Page, that actress you've probably seen in Juno. I get her AOL Instant Messenger screenname and start talking to her. I freak her out and she doesn't talk to me again. End dream. The next night I'm on a plane off to see Brad Pitt in Portland, Oregon only the plane has to take an emergency landing next to a lake whose only neighbor is a decrepit, abandoned house. The pilot leaves us all there, and we're left to fend for ourselves. I call for a ride, only to realize that there's no cellphone reception. I'm totally fucked.

Then I dream about some alternate-reality version of my college campus, where I'm some popular person going out with friends to dinner, only I have to do something real quick and so half of my friends leave, the other half stay. The half that stays miss out on the steak at the buffet we were headed to; they ran out just as we got there. So my friends tell me to fuck off and I'm left alone. Kind of that same alone feeling when you're an only child and you lose one-half of your parents.

The biggest feeling I have? That I am indebted to my deceased father for not being the right kind of child. I was never a very good son, no, I could have done a lot more. I lounged around while not giving a shit if my dad was secretly losing touch with the reality around him. When he moved to Florida, I finally found that connection I should have had the past seventeen years. I learned so much about his life after he died than when he was around to tell me about it. I learned that I was one of the reasons he enjoyed life in Oregon so much. And yet, why do I not feel satiated? Why is there still a hole where my heart should be?

So I take a look back and reminisce a little. I start to see where I went wrong, start to see where I could have improved and maybe it's not enough but really, deep down, it feels enough to me.

Æþelræd was a king, who, over time, had his reputation soiled by historians and bards and what-have-you. His name really could mean 'noble counsel' but the additive of unræd (no counsel) means that he wasn't really that great of a man, and in fact, his name is nothing more than a contradiction. He made a lot of poor decisions, fled during several wars, and overall did not quite live up to the first part of his name. A shame, too, because his lineage is that of other great men with similar honorable nomenclatures. I've learned recently that we still use the term 'yclept' in modern English to mean 'named', which I find fascinating. History seems nothing more than either the degradation or elevation of people based on their actions (or lack thereof). It is never about people just being people, for the common folk never amount to anything. I wish humanism was a more accepted ideology.

'As is the generation of leaves, so is that of humanity. The wind scatters the leaves on the ground, but the live timber burgeons with leaves again in the season of spring returning. So one generation of men will grow while another dies.' - Glaukos, The Iliad, Book Six, 146-150

One of the most poetic lines in the entirety of The Iliad reflects on the human condition itself. For an epic to actually be thoughtful about the conditions of the world is a rarity in and of itself, a tourmaline gem buried in the blood of war and glory and honor and booty. It's hard to see humanity as nothing more than a cycle when the real shit happens and you're left dumbfounded. When my father passed away, it was as if a car had sideswiped me. All the flesh off the front side of my body was scraped off, my bones twisted in ways they should not go and my brain trying to react to the successive shockwaves of pain playing racquetball all around my body. I hugged him to me, but he would never hug back. The glass is half-empty.

However, there is nothing keeping me from going on. As much as it hurts to keep walking down the path, the path is still there and no one else can walk it for me. So I may be so indebted that it becomes a ten-ton weight on each shoulder, pushing them down so much that I can't even breathe, but that's where the ambition comes from. That's where the push and the impetus and the fight comes from. You can never learn what it means to keep going until you've sunk down the deepest hole possible. You can't reach the top until you hit rock-bottom. So incredibly cliché, but who cares? It's true.

Being indebted to my father is my motivator. But maybe that was the gift from him to me with his passing away: The knowledge that the debt exists.
 

Cyan

Banned
Man. Progress has been slow on this story. I've got maybe half of it written now, with giant gaping holes in the middle. And I'm not entirely sure what to fill the holes with.
 

Timedog

good credit (by proxy)
I read zephyrs first cause he said it was timedoggish, and the whole time I thought the writing was really good but towards the end I thought it wasn't going to really go anywhere and then I got to the last line and said "holy shit!". That's a much better idea then anything I would come up with, and that's coming from someone who cares a lot more about ideas than about execution.

I should have a working computer in the next week, so maybe I'll actually participate again? Who knows.
 
I've got part of a story written, but I have no idea how to end it. And I've had some stuff come up that may or may not cause me to miss the deadline on this one. Unfortunately, I have no idea if I'm going to have any free time today.
 
Timedog said:
I read zephyrs first cause he said it was timedoggish, and the whole time I thought the writing was really good but towards the end I thought it wasn't going to really go anywhere and then I got to the last line and said "holy shit!". That's a much better idea then anything I would come up with, and that's coming from someone who cares a lot more about ideas than about execution.

I should have a working computer in the next week, so maybe I'll actually participate again? Who knows.
Thanks man. I appreciate it.
 

Sibylus

Banned
Ran out of time to do something more with this.



Parable of Stone

Two statue carvers sat in a garden across from each other. Great blocks of stone resided in the garden along with them.

"Let us compare our works and determine the more skilled among us," one said, and the other agreed.

They abstained from food and sleep for three days, letting the work of their hands and eyes sustain them. By the morning of the third day their mighty works were realized. The form of the stone pillars had been changed with skill and precision. The first stone carver had brought forth a mighty and esteemed lion in mid-roar, the second had brought forth an en-wizened and skyward looking eagle. They displayed their arts to their master immediately, pleading with him to name the better of the two.

The master saw equal excellence and form in both. But the two carvers would not accept an equal share of that esteem, they demanded to know which of them had triumphed best. Slightly exasperated with his two students, he set a challenge before them: who could display loss more excellently.

The two carvers both smashed their statues, then gathered up the stone shards and debris. The first carver threw them into the river and stood in silence. The second gave his crumbled stone freely to a man too poor to repair his ageing home. Both stone carvers returned to their master and reported on what they had done.

Their master contemplated briefly and then rose to address them. To the first he said, "Your loss has made you a debtor." To the other, he said, "Your loss has made you a giver of gifts." He sat again and withdrew into deep thought. He would say no more that day.
 

Belfast

Member
crowphoenix said:
I've got part of a story written, but I have no idea how to end it. And I've had some stuff come up that may or may not cause me to miss the deadline on this one. Unfortunately, I have no idea if I'm going to have any free time today.

I'm in the same boat. I've got about half a story written and I'm not sure of the perspective I've used. At the same time, I think it would sound weird or have less impact from other ones. I just don't know if I'm going to have the free time to finish (or rewrite) it before the deadline tonight.
 
Seems like this challenge is turning out to be a difficult one, as I predicted. Thankfully I came up with (at least, I think) a pretty solid piece.
 
I'm still trying, unfortunately, I got distracted when I got him, and I'm not sure I'm going to have enough time to really play with this story to get it to work in the way that I want.
 
By the way, I just wanted to say kudos to the Vonnegut reference, Ward. He's kind of my favorite author of all time now after having read Slaughterhouse-Five and Timequake. Next on the list is Cat's Cradle, Sirens of Titan, and Breakfast of Champions.
 

Cyan

Banned
Pass It On (1597)

"Pass it on," the girl said, and handed me an envelope. "It might take you a week, a month, a year. Maybe longer. All that matters is that you pass it on--eventually." She flashed me a quick grin, and her blue eyes lit.

It was the damnedest thing. She just came up to me out of the blue, while I sat there at the mall food court, pissed off at having been rejected from a damn pizza delivery job because my car wasn't up to scratch. She had bleached blonde hair, a sunny smile, and a fake tan that screamed UCLA sorority. Pretty girl, but not my type. Not enough ass.

My face must have said "who the hell are you and what the hell are you talking about," because she tilted her head to one side and said, "You ever hear of pay it forward? Or random acts of kindness?"

I just sat there, staring at her with my mouth half open.

Before I could pull myself together to say anything, she smiled again, then turned and walked away. I blinked. There was nothing else to do but open the envelope.

I ripped open the top, pulled it open, and glanced inside. It was full of hundred dollar bills.

I just about fell out of the damn chair. There must have been more than a thousand dollars! I pulled the money out, turned the bills over in my hand, then looked back in the envelope. The only other thing in there was a post it note with a smiley face and the words, "don't forgot to pass it on!"

By the time I looked up, the sorority chick was gone.

I grinned. I laughed. I thought she must be some kind of angel or something.

It wasn't until much later that I figured out the truth.

It started off with little things--but I'll get to that in a minute. It was all good. I needed that money. With that much cash, I could get a better shit car than the one I had now. One that would be good enough for that pizza delivery job. I was set.

I bought the car. I got the job.

And I went to the library and looked up "pay it forward" on the internet. It was dumb--some kind of condescending help-the-unfortunate-people bullshit. The idea was that you received a favor from a random stranger, and then instead of paying it back, you paid it forward by doing a favor for some other random stranger. And it would just keep going and going until everyone was happy, how wonderful. Except in real life, it would eventually get to someone who was smart enough to just take it, and not do a favor for somebody else.

I wasn't going to be a sucker. I'd already spent that whole fifteen hundred just to get a pizza delivery job--how the hell would I ever make enough cash to pay that forward? And why bother? I laughed and walked out of the library, to my new old car.

My mama used to believe in all kinds of dumb shit. Voodoo dolls, black magic, ancestral spirits. If she'd been white, she'd have been one of those UFO cult people in the sixties. I always thought she was just gullible for believing in that crap. Now I know better.

It started off with little things. Dumb stuff. Like, my alarm wouldn't go off in the morning. Or the milk would go bad before it was supposed to. Or I'd find that somehow, roaches had found a way into my bathroom, and not into anyone else's in the whole apartment building. I just shrugged that stuff off. But it slowly got worse. Things I needed would disappear from where I'd put them, and I'd only find them again after I'd given up looking. My wallet would fall out of my pocket, or my driver's license would fall out of my wallet. Or both. I got clipped in the shins by the pedals of a kid biking by. Yeah, it sounds dumb, but I could barely walk for two days.

After almost three months of this, I decided that maybe it was karma. Yeah I know, New Age bullshit, but it just seemed like something was out to get me ever since I decided to keep that money.

I would have to do like the girl had said. I'd have to earn that money back, the whole fifteen hundred bucks, and pay it forward. I made the decision.

Immediately, things got worse.

My tips started going down, for no reason I could see. My coworkers, who I'd been pretty chill with before, started avoiding me and whispering about me behind my back. One day, when I went to drive to work, the pavement under my car was covered in coolant. The water pump had given out or something. Four hundred dollar repair, that shit cost me most of what I'd already saved up.

And then there were the noises. I usually heard them at night. I'd hear creaks in the floor and sighs in the walls. I'd hear people talking, like they were right outside the window, only when I'd walk over to look there'd be nobody there. One night I got woken up by tapping on the door, and when I opened it, the tapping just kept right on going. I ran back in my room, jumped into bed, and pulled the covers over my head. Me, a grown-ass man! Then that morning, I went outside the building and found my tires had been slashed.

It wasn't karma. That fucking money was cursed.

I'd had enough. It was time to get serious. I went back inside, and I piled up everything that I might be able to sell into the middle of my apartment. One of my coworkers, if she'd still talk to me, would probably lend me her digital camera so I could put them up on craigslist.

I didn't even get a chance to ask her. I walked into work and got called in to the manager's office. Somebody had been stealing from the cash registers, he said, and they'd decided it was me. They weren't going to press charges as long as I got the fuck out and never showed my face again.

Shit. My last resort plan was now my only shot. I'd just have to try selling all that stuff without pictures. Fine. No problem.

Only when I got home, my apartment had been robbed. The window was broken, the door was ajar, and the entire pile of stuff I'd collected was gone.

I didn't sleep that night. Just lay on my bed in the dark, staring at the ceiling. The tapping on the door was back, but I barely even noticed. I just lay there, and stared. There didn't seem to be anything else to do. It was light outside by the time I finally got to sleep.

When I woke up late this afternoon, I had a plan. I was purposeful, I had direction. This was my honest-to-God last chance.

I got a gun (and no, I'm not naming names). I got a ski mask. Waited until it was late enough, and went to a 7-11 far from where I lived, and that I was pretty sure would have a lot of cash.

The guy behind the counter was a short old Pakistani man. Jeans, white t-shirt, glasses. I remembered seeing him once before when I'd decided to buy a lottery ticket there out of the blue. Friendly guy. Harmless. Guy knew what was up as soon as he saw my ski mask. I barely needed to do anything with the gun.

For a minute, he just stood there, staring at me, shaking a little bit. I looked him right in the eye, and after a second he looked down at the register. His mouth was half open. He opened the register with his hand shaking, then started pulling out cash and piling it on the counter. He didn't look at me at all.

I knew, now, what it felt like to be in complete control of a situation. He was terrified, I wasn't. I had a weapon, he didn't. I had all the power.

It was the worst feeling I've ever had in my life.

I threw up as soon as I walked outside. I hadn't been as in control as I thought. But I pulled myself together. I got away clean.

A little bit later, I sat in an alley and counted out the money, trying to ignore the sirens in the distance. Just shy of fifteen hundred. I pulled out my wallet (sure enough, the driver's license was missing again), and had a bit over twenty bucks. Barely enough to make it a round fifteen. I shook my head, and wondered for a second what exactly that sorority chick had had to do to get her fifteen hundred.

I didn't wonder too long--I wasn't about to feel sorry for her. Bitch hung me out to dry.

She hung me out to dry, but I wouldn't do that to somebody else. Well, I guess I would. But not without at least some kind of warning. So I'm writing this note, and it'll go in the envelope with the cash.

So. You've been warned. Maybe you don't believe me. Maybe you think I'm superstitious, or gullible, or even crazy.

But when you finally do believe, remember that there's a way out.

Pass it on.
 

Aaron

Member
Votes:

1 - bakemono - feels like an exerpt from a larger story. would have been helped with a little background. Ending feels incomplete.

2 - Cyan - story and voice is good, but I would have rather it been told in scenes rather than summary. Felt like it was rushing by me as is.

3 - Ward - too much talk about his lack of job at the start, and dropping the 'main' character at the end, getting no resolution with him. Feels like it should have focused on the landlord at the start.

Sorry, but no comments for the other stories. My mind is sludge right now. it was hard enough to get these.
 

Aaron

Member
ZephyrFate said:
Are those votes are critiques? They seem more like critiques. lol
I should mention I thought what you wrote was quite good, but since it was an essay and not a story I couldn't bring myself to vote for it. It was a bit rambling, but that's fitting for the format. Spoke well of finding the good in bad events.
 
I didn't really try to write it in essay format -- it's meant to be more of a personal narrative, a sort of autobiographical take on my life at the moment with bits of literary quotations here and there.
 

DumbNameD

Member
Hey, why are the lights off and the doors locked? Anyway, here's what I was working on. Was supposed to fire it off quickly and whatever it is would be whatever it is, but obviously that didn't happen. It wasn't a good day this day.

----------------------------------------

He wakes up crying. He’s not sure why. He brushes his first knuckle across his cheek and then across the end of his lips. He tastes salt. A lump crawls down his throat, and his shoulders shake. He should be happy. They all say he must be. He thinks it’s as if they’ve dressed him in a suit that doesn’t suit him. He doesn’t know why he’d rather wear black to a birthday party.

She is a tsunami. He saw her form. His body quaked. A gentle rolling coursed through her. Bigger and bigger she grows until the wave will overshadow him like the branches of a hundred-years oak. She’ll gather and peak until her mass overwhelms. A horrible rush of roars, a terrible flush of screams will fill the air like rowdy children at the swimming pool. She’ll crash into him and pound him until he’s dissolved and mixed into the earth. And then he'll be a father.

He looks at her next to him in bed. He rises. The mattress springs uncoil from the relief of his weight. She doesn’t wake; she doesn’t notice his rising. He stands over her. She’s disgusting. Big. Oily. Burpy. Her breaths wheeze like wisps of wind. He bends and leans over her. He kisses the corner of her eyelid. He’s ruined her. He’s ruined them. As she sleeps, he apologizes to her dreams.

The smell of hot coffee wafts from the mug sitting on the roof ledge. He sits next to the mug and lifts it and takes a drink. World’s Best Dad, the mug says. He smirks and then scowls. What a sham, he thinks. He wants to toss it off the roof and watch the porcelain shatter into clinking bits. “Great example,” he mumbles to himself. He imagines a unisex infant, on all fours on this roof ledge, dropping various objects from this unsafe distance. He presses a palm into his forehead and slaps it a few times. He thought the mother of his child disgusting. What a sham, he thinks.

She opens the door to the roof and presses both palms against the door to close it gently. She shudders when she sees him and freezes with one hand in the air as if she hand caught eating directly from a box of ice cream. She doesn’t look familiar. But then again, she looks like the kind someone might see over and over but only remember as a some-girl footnote.

She looks young and old at the same time. But he’s never been good at that kind of thing, guessing someone’s age. She looks like she could be gangly-cute but could go either way after she gains a couple of years. Her eyes look like they could use some sleep. She doesn’t say anything.

He nods to acknowledge her. She remains silent.

“Fresh air?” he says. He takes a sniff.

She raises her nose and sniffs. She shrugs.

“Maybe that’s smog,” he says. Oddly, an urge to smoke arises in him. But, of course, he quit when his wife told him she was pregnant.

“You got a cigarette?” she asks.

He smirks and tilts his eyes at her. He shakes his head.

“Come on,” she says. “Don’t be square.”

He scratches his temple and shrugs. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He offers her one and the lighter. He shakes his head. This bodes well for the child, he thinks.

She raises the cigarette to her mouth and slides it between her lips and then from one end of her mouth to the other. She flicks the lighter once and twice and a third time without any luck. He holds out his hand, and she returns the lighter. He flicks the lighter, and fire springs from the end. He holds it out to her. She removes the cigarette from her mouth and lights it with the offered flame.

“You shouldn’t smoke,” he says, trying before she is able to return the lit cigarette to her mouth.

She shrugs and slides the cigarette between her lips. She inhales. A cough erupts from her lungs and throws the cigarette from her mouth.

He laughs. “I told you.”

He laughs again. She stands there and watches him.

“I like the view,” he says. “It’s better than down there with all the cars and the honking and the noise.”

She shrugs. “It’s okay.” She steps lightly and walks toward the edge. The cigarette smolders behind her. Her footsteps plod. She gets to three feet of the edge and sways. She gets to two feet and stops. She tries to look out and shudders. “It’s okay,” she repeats.

She stands still near the edge like the first time he saw her.

His hand goes up. He’s not sure why. “I’m—“ he tries to start. His head seems to be filled with drizzle and fog. He exhales. “I’m going to be a father.” His words sound strange to him. He blushes.

She keeps looking out into the cityscape.

“I mean,” he says. “I mean I’m going to be a father. My wife is pregnant, and I’m going to be a father. And I’m going to be bad. I just know it.”

A smile curls into her lips. “I saw a movie,” she says. She turns her face to him. “They gave a guy a cigarette before they put him to the electric chair. He was bad. The bad guy.”

“Yeah, well, I quit smoking,” he says. He places a cigarette into his mouth and lights it. He takes a long drag on it before releasing the smoke into the air.

“Do you want to be a good father?”

He thinks for a moment. He shrugs. He thinks for another moment. He shrugs with his hands in the air. He nods. “Yeah, that’s what I want. I think it’s impossible.”

“Maybe it is impossible,” she says. “I don’t know.”

“Well, a lot of help you are,” he says, smiling.

“You don’t know either!” she says. Her eyes brim.

He points to her. “You know, you’re pretty smart,” he says. “Already know one of the secrets of grown-ups.”

“And what’s that?”

“You don’t know either,” he replies.

She rolls her eyes.

He holds his right hand up. “Okay, I know,” he says. “Don’t say that’s horrible advice. Don’t say I shouldn’t pass that piece of cynicism to my daughter or son.”

She places a finger up against her lips. “Just try your best,” she says.

“Yeah, if only it were so easy,” he says.

“I think if you change enough diapers, it gets easier,” she says. “If you band-aid enough knees, you figure it out. But what do I know? I don’t know.”

He considers her words for a moment. “Do you live in this building?” he asks. “I might need more advice, you know.”

She shakes her head.

“What are you doing up here anyway?” he asks.

She shakes her head. She takes a step back and then another. She turns and walks a few more steps. She picks up the cigarette from the ground. “Smoke,” she says quietly.

He takes a sip from his coffee mug without taking his eyes off her. “Kinda hard to smoke without cigarettes,” he says.

She pinches the lit end between her forefinger and thumb. She flicks the cigarette, and over the edge, it goes. He watches the cigarette arc in the air. His eyes follow it as it plummets to the sidewalk below.

“I should—“ he says. “I probably need practice.” He looks her square in the eyes. “Just try your best. It gets easier.”

She turns and opens the door to the roof. Her eyes return to his. “You don’t know either,” she says. She leaves.
 

Ward

Member
Aaron- The Incinerator’s Lament
I wonder if the early submittal played a part in some of my complaints. Definitely needs another editing pass for spelling. This super-powered girl is a bit of a surprise considering the tone of your story to start. It got a bit long for me in the middle. A wild story I like the end, it’s a bit cheesy but the tone fits. This world didn’t feel as realized as many of your stories. I didn’t really care for the protagonist. Cool idea but it didn’t play out.

Bakemono- Bright Shiny Things
So the big question is what are these four. I get what is happening, but I can’t help but feel I’m due a bit more information. What is the sparkle protagonist relationship? Why is he going to length to protect? Alright… over my head.

Irish- Differing Views
I’d really like the first two sentences split with some action. The Kroger semi truck sentence could have been cut in half. And “the older boy” phrase is uninspiring. Some of the text didn’t quite match up for me. The lawyer, hadn’t reviewed all documents prior? Rich gave his wife away? I think your point could have been made by rich telling glen to “take care of my wife for me”
The mysterious accident didn’t have to be so dramatic. Friends in middle school are often lost by adulthood. Oh, wow. Carrie at the end was the same Carrie at the beginning. Nice touch.
The characters come off as flat. The first segment was the best at giving them life, but after that you have typical business man and typical homeless man. I like the concept, and pacing. With something like this, you really need to push the characters. I need to know how they would react given any situation.

ZephyrFate- this story is not about an old king
Nice start. Nicely done. I found the beginning stronger than the end, but it could just be I got used to the style employed.

Botolf- Parable of Stone
I like the start. It sets a good tone in line with your title. “more excellently”? A bit of a tongue twister. The end lacks the deeper thought/meaning that a parable requires. The end was rushed.

Crowphoenix- Hey Tom
Interesting format, it feels like a letter to me, including “dear”. I think email would be more current and changing “dear” to something less formal would probably be the only change to get that feel.
I saw the tom-foolery coming, but I like the way you handled it with the jacket. The ending didn’t seem to have the required bravado.

Cyan- Pass it On
I’m thinking uh-oh, not pay it forward, but luckily you took a nice turn to keep me interested. Great job.

DumbNameD-
A bit uneven. Some parts/moments I really liked, others I didn’t.

Voting:
1. Cyan
2. crowphoenix
3. ZephyrFate
 
hey guys, this is pretty off topic, but one reason why i've haven't been participating in the last 2 or 3 events is because i'm now taking a Creative Writing course in college (FINALLY, you're not allowed to take any writing courses until your second year, it feels so good), and I have to belt out 2 stories over the next month.

anyway, i've been working primarily only on one of them (and considering revising one of the ones i've submitted in these challenges for the other, but don't tell anyone), and i'm hoping i'll be finished my first draft of it within the next few weeks.

so, i was wondering if i could post it here for you guys since you're the only people who have ever seen my work, and you could give me advice/critique (for) it? the wordcount has to be inbetween 1500 - 3000, so it won't be too different from the entries we've submitted over the months. it wouldn't be an entry into a challenge, but i would enjoy your input.
 
Ward said:
Crowphoenix- Hey Tom
Interesting format, it feels like a letter to me, including “dear”. I think email would be more current and changing “dear” to something less formal would probably be the only change to get that feel.
I saw the tom-foolery coming, but I like the way you handled it with the jacket. The ending didn’t seem to have the required bravado.

You ever completely miss the obvious? There were several moments during writing it that I felt this might be a bit too dated, and that would definitely have fixed it up. And I had enough free words that I could have played with the format enough to make it work well.

As to the ending
I originally wanted the last note to read, "Hey Tom, I know you can't read this anymore, but at least we're all squared away" or something similar, but I didn't feel like I'd set the last few letters up well enough for such an overt ending.

Mike Works said:
so, i was wondering if i could post it here for you guys since you're the only people who have ever seen my work, and you could give me advice/critique (for) it? the wordcount has to be inbetween 1500 - 3000, so it won't be too different from the entries we've submitted over the months. it wouldn't be an entry into a challenge, but i would enjoy your input.
Glad to see you're enjoying the classes. Mine were my favorites that I took while in college. And sure, post away. I'm sure that at least a few of us will find time to give your pieces a look over.
 

Cyan

Banned
Mike Works said:
so, i was wondering if i could post it here for you guys since you're the only people who have ever seen my work, and you could give me advice/critique (for) it? the wordcount has to be inbetween 1500 - 3000, so it won't be too different from the entries we've submitted over the months. it wouldn't be an entry into a challenge, but i would enjoy your input.
I'd have no problem with it. Might want to wait and post in the next challenge, when we won't already be reading and critiquing 8 other pieces. Or maybe post it now, while everyone's already in a critiquin' mood. I just don't know!
 

starsky

Member
Aaron - "The Incinerator's Lament" = Not as strong as your other entries that I've read thus far, but I enjoy the ending very much. That's a very awesome bunny samurai, there.

Irish - "Differing Views" = A bit choppy. And I don't really know about leaving the wife as an inheritance. Did they have an affair already? Or they would have without him existing? That's kind of sad. Also, leaving his company to his old best friend the homeless bum? I worry about the fate of his employees.

That aside, the pace and transitions between the time in the story was very disjointed. I just couldn't get into this piece.

ZephyrFate - "Æþelræd Unræd or: this story is not about an old king" = Some parts are rambling, but that's to be expected out of an honest journal writing. I really like some thoughts that are brought forward in this piece.

Ward - "Spiritual Remnants" = Bragg feels more the main character to me. Some parts were too jumbled. Stuart had nothing of value to add to the piece's ending, he was just a cog in the wheel instead of someone who had a significant meaning in the story.

Botolf - "Parable of Stone" = Reads like an age-old fable. The message / idea of the difference between the two stone crafters was very ... cute.

crowphoenix - "Hey Tom" = I like the pace, you unfold the events nicely. First it was the debt, and then how the wife kept nagging him to pay up because Tom mentioned it to her, and then the jackets, and so on. It was easy to read. The idea and end ...a bit too predictable, though.

Cyan - "Pass It On" = I was happy that it did not turn out to be Pay It Forward. The gradual reveal of his sinking life was great. I enjoyed it.

DND = Lovely writing. The descriptions of the wife and how he felt in the beginning was just stunning. One of my favourites out of this round. Too bad you missed the deadline.

Votes:
1. ZephyrFate
2. Aaron
3. Cyan
 

AlternativeUlster

Absolutely pathetic part deux
Wow, I haven't seen this thread in a while so I thought they just stopped. I wonder what caused these threads to sink to below 50 postings now. I am sorry dudes.
 
Aaron: It was fun, but I wish you'd spent a little more time setting up the world. As it is, I had a bit of difficulty seeing the area around the action. I also wish you'd spent a few lines on explaining why the mother threw out a family heirloom.

Bakemono: Some of the dialogue felt a little off, and I wish we'd gotten some more detail about Miss SPARKLE. It was interesting though, and the characters seemed solid in a tarantino-ish way.

Irish: After the well written first scene, it became a bit difficult to follow what was going on. Why did Glenn run away, for example? These kinds of questions leave the second and third parts feeling like they don't connect.

Zephyr: Man, I have no idea how to judge or critique this. It's well written, but so personal that nothing could, or should, be changed.

Ward
: It's well written, but Stuart feel more like a side character, and as a result, a lot of what he does feels unimportant to the overall story. I think you would have been better served to have focused on Bragg and his views on Stuart.

Botolf
: I liked the piece, but the ending lacked a punch to really drive home your message.

Cyan: The voice was great, but like Aaron, I feel like the summary of events style to the narrations leaves me feeling a little left out of the loop as it doesn't allow us to see how this things occured.


-------


1) Ward
2) Cyan
3) Aaron
 
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