Title: Colin
Words: 1998
Todays the day. The big one. The day they choose.
And I just know its gonna be me
Now come on, man up, its not gonna be you, its not. Youre a winner. They need you.
Yeah right, a winner. Ha. Like they really need someone to come in every day, muck about on the internet for 7 hours, and maybe do about 15 minutes of actual work. Yeah, no way theyll let you go.
Ok Colin, seriously, you cant think like that, theyre only letting 10 people go and theres about 50 people less useful than you are. What about Jan, shes useless, been here about 100 years, cant even use a computer and refuses to learn anything new. The womans a nightmare. Or Stephen, spends literally all day just leching over the temps. And there was that rumor he got caught having a sly tug in the work toilets that one time.
True, think positive Colin. I am totally not getting the chop. No one gets fired just for going on the internet at work. Otherwise it wouldnt be there in the first place. No way. Dont even need to worry about it. Ill just crack on with some serious work now
Just gonna go make a cup of tea first
Oh fuck it, here comes Dan. Pillock. Cant a guy even have a cup of tea in peace.
Hey Colon, you watch the game last night?
You know I hate football you twat.
no, not really a big footy fan, yknow.
But its the World Cup mate, everyone loves that, even girls and big poofs like you! Nah, just kidding with you, fella. So, you heard anything about whos getting the chop yet? Saw Hand-Shandy-Steve when I came in, he looked like he was bricking it.
no, not heard anything, think Ill be ok, you heard anything?
Dunno, us lot in Sales arent too bothered, no way any of us will go, were too valuable. Mark basically said so last Quarterly review.
Twat.
hear anything about the admin side?
Just rumblings, you know. Reckon theyll probably just want to cut out the dead wood, separate the wheat from the chaff, get rid of all those muppets whore on the internet all day. Reckon they can just pull the logs from the server, pick the heaviest users, and bosh! Thats the list of people getting the chop.
OHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCK
yeah, well, see you later, better get back to it.
See you Colon, and try and watch the footy tonight, might make you a bit more interesting to talk to.
Massive twat. Ok, I am totally fucked now. If they pull those logs I am dead, totally dead. They probably wont even need to make me redundant, they could probably just fire me straight out. No redundancy, nothing. Then what? What the fuck have I got to offer? A useless history degree that I scraped a 2:2 in, and 6 years of wasting my life in this hole, titting about on the internet all day. Thats gonna look marvellous on the old CV.
Does anyone else look worried? Not really, all still quite calm. How come no one else looks worried? Do they know something I dont?
Still no emails round, nothing announced yet. Still safe. Good.
Maybe I should go take a pee in the top floor bathroom. See if I bump into any Executives, hear any gossip, see whats going on. Yeah, good idea, will kill a few more minutes anyway I guess.
Nothing, no one up here. Great. Wait, thats Steves bald head I can see in the meeting room. Does he look upset? Hard to say, not really sure from the back of his head
Is he laughing? No, hes definitely crying. Yes! Yes! Thats one down, 9 to go. Have to keep an eye on who else gets called up here.
Right, Steves definitely gone, and just saw Jan crying in the foyer so she must be out. Jamie and Kev both look utterly pissed off so they must be gone. Still 6 more people. Where do I rate myself compared to those 4? Try to figure out whether I meet the criteria for getting axed.
Steve. Quiet guy, but reckon HR have been looking for an excuse to get rid of him since the 5 knuckle shuffle incident. Thats a no-brainer, same as Jan. Kevs kind of ok but properly slow. You could smack him over the head with one of these computers and he wouldnt notice for 10 minutes.
What about Jamie then? Hes not too bad, wonder why hes got the chop? Is he a big internet user? Think hes always on e-bay. What if they pulled the logs and got him that way? I bet they did, sneaky bastards. Thats just like Mark. Well thats it, Im screwed, if he pulls those logs hell see how much Ive been pissing about. Oh god, then I bet they ask me exactly what a Warhammer 40K is, or why Im spending all day reading about something called WOW. Can they see my forum posts? Bloody hope not. I bet they can. Definitely getting fired.
Stop it, no use getting so worked up. They dont look at those logs, its just a rumor. Probably. I hope.
Colon, you big bender!
Fuck. Dan.
alright Dan, whats up?
Just came down to see whos got the chop, few faces like smacked arses round here, huh?
well, I guess people are gutted to lose their jobs, some of them have been here years.
Should have been pulling their weight then, eh Colon?
Wish he wouldnt call me that.
yeah, I suppose so.
You been called into the big mans office yet then?
Fuck.
no. why? What have you heard? Am I getting
called in?
Dunno to be honest, just asking, dont look so nervous. Thought you always said you couldnt wait to get out of here.
well, yeah, no, I mean I did say that but
.
See you later then Colon
Maybe I do want to leave. I always hated it here, might be fun. Could finally write that book I always wanted to, or get into graphic design. Would definitely have time for the gym, get myself back in shape, yeah could be good. Take some time, re-evaluate.
Oh who am I kidding. Youre not gonna do any of those things you twat. If you get the chop youll spend a few weeks sitting around in your pants playing xbox, avoiding the nagging phone calls from your parents, maybe make a half arsed attempt to start writing something then youll get another shitty office job you hate and stay there til you die a miserable unfulfilled git like everyone else.
Right, 2.30pm and still not been called in. This can only be a good thing, cant it? Or maybe Marks gonna save the bad news for the end of the day, the proper firings. He would totally do that. Try to avoid an incident. Maybe I wont get let back into the building. Maybe this is it, I should just pack my stuff up now.
Fuck. Ive spent 6 years working here, and for what. Nothing. Bloody stupid company anyway. I could totally do a better job of running it. Shake things up, get them sorted out. But not going to get the chance now. Im getting fired. I know it. Fuck.
Well, Im not going quietly. They think they can get rid of me, Im going to give them a piece of my mind, let them know a few home truths, yeah. This departments been covering up breaches for years, and I know at least 3 people complained to head office about Marks handling of the performance reviews and still nothing got done about it.
Or maybe I should pull a big prank. Something that lets them know who theyre messing with. Yeah, thatd be awesome. Could sneak into Marks office, take a dump in the drawer. He wont be there, hell be spending all day in the exit interviews as they like to call them. Imagine his face when he comes back to find a big steamy poo waiting for him. No, thats no good Colin, you know you always like to relax a bit and take at least 20 minutes to do a dump.
Must be something though, really got to stick it to him somehow. Killing spree? Way too drastic. Photocopy my arse 500 times? Pop a fish behind the radiator? Mess around with his phone? Swap the N and M keys around on his keyboard? Bit lame.
Think. The dump idea is out of the question but Marks office is definitely a good target, he wont be there all day. Heres a good one. Hes gonna get you with the old internet logs, well how about you do the same to him. Just pop into his office and search up some bonkers porn. Itll definitely get flagged on the internet logs and then hell get the chop and be down the job centre right next to you! Thats awesome. Can I do that? Yeah, I think I can. Ok, lets do it.
Password was Numbr1. His catchphase and his personalised numberplate. Moron. Open Google. What to search? Big Black Throbbers? Granny Pumping? Brokeback Mounting? Messy facials? Jeez, when did the internet make everyone so dirty it became super easy to think this stuff up? Right, Big Black Throbbers, am I really doing this? Yes, Im pressing search. Eeew. Really wish I hadnt looked at that. Cant unsee. Just click on a couple of results, try not to look at it too much, Damn, that ones huge, few more clicks, done. Close it down and lets get out of here. Heh heh heh. I'm a fucking Hero.
Be cool, be cool, be cool. Just sit here, keep calm. Its 4.47pm, still not been called up. Shit, what if I dont get fired? Ah, thats ok, no one knows I did it and Marks a prat anyway. Definitely a good idea. I hope.
Colin, do you have a minute?
Mark. This is it.
sure Mark. What do you need?
Its probably better we go up to the meeting room Colin.
Mark, if youve got something to say to me you can say it right here.
WHAT THE FUCK are you doing Colin? This wasnt part of the plan.
Um.. I think youd rather we did this upstairs Colin.
People are looking, staring. Steves grinning at me. Jan just gave me a thumbs up. Oh god ,they think Im making a stand. I really dont want to make a stand. Im making a stand.
Im fine here Mark, go for it, I insist.
Well, alright. Colin, Its bad news, Im afraid. Im going to have to let you go. Actually, youre being fired for
improper conduct.
Ha, just you wait til the shoe is on the other foot.
oh, the internet logs was it, well, let me tell you, Mark, those can cut both ways. I may have spent the best part of 6 years mucking around on the internet but
but at least Im not some sort of massive perv!
I dont really know what you mean by that Colin, I dont even know what an internet log is.
Fuck. This isnt good, everyone is looking confused. Get them back on side.
Yeah right, youve been keeping tabs on everyone, and now its time for you to give people the chop just cause they looked something up on wikipedia one time. You cant run this place like a bloody facist dictatorship!
Colin, we dont look at peoples internet history here. That would be hugely invasive and inappropriate. No. Im afraid you are being fired as you were caught by our security cameras going into my office, hacking my password and Googling
what was it
Big Black Throbbers?
Shit.
Are people still looking? Yup. Definitely still looking.
Never did hear from Zephyr.