Dr_Boris_Goltz
Banned
There is a reason your asshole itches and it’s because you are disgusting. You’re an Australopithecus living in a modern era, and I’m here to catch you up to royalty standards.
The first and most important thing to learn is that THIS:
Is the absolute worst way to clean up your asshole. It is a tool used by everyone and this is because everyone is an idiot.
All this does is smear shit around to slowly clean the surface, and conventional knowledge tells us “if you don’t see brown, you’re golden.” This is simply not the case. It does have a singular use but it isn’t for cleaning. We’ll come back to this later.
Your new tool is this:
Moist wipes are more expensive, yes, but it’s worth it. You will no longer be that jerk off in the classroom/office with stink lines, making everyone self-conscious because they believe the odor stems from them (they don’t wipe properly either).
Now before you say to yourself, “Fuck yeah moist ass wipes! It makes so much sense!” and proceed to close this thread, continue reading. It’s a tool, which means there’s a proper way to use it.
Enter the instructional illustrations:
STEP 1. Don’t ever force a shit out. As you can see in figure A this man is happy. It is because he isn’t destroying his asshole:
This means no straining, no heavy pushing, and no sweating. Just relax and let it go.
STEP 2. Assess the damage by grabbing a single wipe and using it as you normally would use toilet paper:
This preps your asshole for the following step and gives you an idea of how many wipes you’re going to need.
STEP 3. This is the most important step. Now you’re going to stick the wipe INSIDE your anus. This doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t take away from your masculinity, and it is only strange the first time.
STEP 4. With the wipe inside your asshole, gently swirl it around as if you were cleaning the inside of a pipe.
Repeat this step until you produce a wipe with NOTHING ON IT. You will be surprised how much shit is left over in your internals that you never ONCE in your life cleaned out before.
PRO TIP: Make sure to only use 2 to 3 wipes per flush, depending on the power of your flushing mechanism (some can only handle 1!).
STEP 5. Here’s where the toilet paper comes into play. You use it to remove any moistness left over from the wipes, and to leave your anus in a comfortable state.
Congratulations and welcome to your new clean asshole paradise! It is incredible here. You will never believe how much more confident you feel. People will be tackling each other to get a chance to toss your salad.
This is the new human standard. Consider yourself at the forefront of evolution.
The first and most important thing to learn is that THIS:
Is the absolute worst way to clean up your asshole. It is a tool used by everyone and this is because everyone is an idiot.
All this does is smear shit around to slowly clean the surface, and conventional knowledge tells us “if you don’t see brown, you’re golden.” This is simply not the case. It does have a singular use but it isn’t for cleaning. We’ll come back to this later.
Your new tool is this:
Moist wipes are more expensive, yes, but it’s worth it. You will no longer be that jerk off in the classroom/office with stink lines, making everyone self-conscious because they believe the odor stems from them (they don’t wipe properly either).
Now before you say to yourself, “Fuck yeah moist ass wipes! It makes so much sense!” and proceed to close this thread, continue reading. It’s a tool, which means there’s a proper way to use it.
Enter the instructional illustrations:
STEP 1. Don’t ever force a shit out. As you can see in figure A this man is happy. It is because he isn’t destroying his asshole:
This means no straining, no heavy pushing, and no sweating. Just relax and let it go.
STEP 2. Assess the damage by grabbing a single wipe and using it as you normally would use toilet paper:
This preps your asshole for the following step and gives you an idea of how many wipes you’re going to need.
STEP 3. This is the most important step. Now you’re going to stick the wipe INSIDE your anus. This doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t take away from your masculinity, and it is only strange the first time.
STEP 4. With the wipe inside your asshole, gently swirl it around as if you were cleaning the inside of a pipe.
Repeat this step until you produce a wipe with NOTHING ON IT. You will be surprised how much shit is left over in your internals that you never ONCE in your life cleaned out before.
PRO TIP: Make sure to only use 2 to 3 wipes per flush, depending on the power of your flushing mechanism (some can only handle 1!).
STEP 5. Here’s where the toilet paper comes into play. You use it to remove any moistness left over from the wipes, and to leave your anus in a comfortable state.
Congratulations and welcome to your new clean asshole paradise! It is incredible here. You will never believe how much more confident you feel. People will be tackling each other to get a chance to toss your salad.
This is the new human standard. Consider yourself at the forefront of evolution.
