The Artisan
Member
tl;dr at the bottom
So I've been meaning to make this thread for a really long time. Maybe at least two months. But I've been delaying it for a while because of how long it may turn out to be, so I just never got around to doing it. But I think now's the right time to do it. The reason for the thread title is just showing that I want Muslim responses but I want the opinions of everyone else's as well. The last time I made a personal thread I didn't put Muslim in the title and I did get a lot of support from people but not much response from MuslimGAF.
I was raised to be religious. And I was, for a very long time in my life. And here on the GAF, other than the vent frustration thread I was just referring to, I don't think I ever actually stated much that I was a Muslim. Up to this point, I don't know if I should state that I am one because I don't know if I am, or if I'm not one. I don't know what I am.
I think I believe that there is a god. I'm of the opinion that anyone who believes in one, it's the same one of any Abrahamic faith. The same 1 god. And that everyone just has a different interpretation of it.
I practiced Ramadan this year, participated a lot in the OT, and I thought it would strengthen my faith going forward. But this year, I have never been more strayed from my religion. Probably for more reasons that I will get into later. Part of the reason may be because my parents practice the religion very dogmatically and when that's pressed upon me it makes me not want to do it. For instance, if it is prayer time and my father tells me to pray, it makes me not want to pray. I don't want to worship God because someone is telling me to. I want to worship God because I find it in my heart to do so.
That's part of it, but another part stems from the criticisms of the religion itself. For instance, while I know for sure that Jews and Christians are referred to as people of the book, I have simultaneously heard that very violent passages in the Qur'an still exist to those who oppose belief. And I never really see a good counterargument to it.
Or the whole "72 virgins" thing. The same thing with the prophet marrying a young girl. I don't ever hear a good explanation for any of these things.
Last year, when I was still in college, a classmate of mine passed away. I wasn't close with her but towards the end of the spring semester I interacted with her a lot because we were direct partners in a project of 5 or 6 people. I wanted a prayer for her to be included one Friday so I texted the president or vice president of the MSA. His first question was: "Was she Muslim?"
I don't think that should've mattered, but the answer was no. His response was, he's sorry to hear about her loss but he can't announce the request to do dua for her. That still, to this day, pisses me off.
And speaking of the profit, there's something else that bothers me - I feel like sometimes he's put on too high of a pedestal. Here's an example. This is a picture from inside my local masjid.
I know it's difficult to see, but to the right is a frame that reads "Allah" and to the left reads one that says "Muhammad"
That to me, on I guess a decorative scale, is putting the prophet on too high a pedestal. He's the exemplar for what a Muslim should be but he's still just a man.
----------
But here's the thing, the reason why I'm making so much of a fuss out of it, things going to get really personal...
I've struggled a very long time with depression. And I've been depressed for a long time this year. I feel like I need some sort of religious guidance to help me, but it's not. It could be that I need to put forth a better effort, but with everything happening in the world it's just depressing me even more. Like, on Facebook all I see is people with different agendas, and almost an indoctrinated way of thinking. No matter what side they are on they'll go into an event with preconception and preconceived notions that's been formed from their own ingrained bias. And it's depressing. It makes me want to just deactivate Facebook and not be on it but it sometimes comes as a vital part of communication.
And, here's a thing with that...I don't want to make it seem like my life is all that bad. I'm loved by family members and I know there are people in the world who are far worse off than I am in living conditions. But, that doesn't really help. And I recognize even here on GAF people go through worse things in life.
I'm an only child, and I hate it. I guess you can say I grew up spoiled and sheltered and it has damaged me. Very often I think about the times I misbehaved so badly with my mother and the look on her face she had with disappointment. I just can't get that out of my head. Being such a spoiled fucking brat and yelling at my mother because I didn't get something the way I wanted it.
I grew up around a lot of cousins. I could end the thread here but one cousin in particular who has been around me since I was born who's basically a brother.
I've also struggled a long time with marijuana. He knows the struggles I've had and he's thoroughly convinced I'm an addict. But he's wrong, and no, I'm not in denial. Yes, there have been points in my life where I've gotten high every single day and it has become costly for me. But I have learned to stay sober for long periods of time, even be around marijuana, have it presented and offered to me and say no.
This week when I was squatting at his place, and he came home to smell and see that I've gotten high. He says I have a problem. The next day he texts a whole bunch of shit to me saying things like,
and that was seriously putting me on edge, at a workplace that I already was depressed being at. He does not realize the effect his words are having on me and I don't know how to break it to him. There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't wish I'd wake up one day and it's June 2010 again, so I could get another crack at college (that would be summer going into sophomore year for me). I was never a business/finance type of guy. I was always a science type of guy. I should have stuck with my original plan of going to optometry school but I gave up on that very quickly and sophomore year is when spiraled down into an addiction to marijuana.
Seriously, every day, no matter what I am doing, I always have the thoughts of going back to 2010. I am obsessed with it. But like Jay Z said, time does not go back, it goes forward. But it's becoming impossible for me to live like this.
I feel like my mental state is deteriorating. I have a lot of student loans to pay back which I barely begun to do and on top of that, a whole bunch of parent plus loans under my father's name which nelnet simply can't consolidate into mine which puts me and my family in a sticky situation because there's absolutely no way my father will be able to pay back those loans.
I'm a 90s person. I'm going to be 25 next month, but I don't want to live to be that long. But here's the thing...I know that thought process is wrong, but if someone is so miserable with life no matter how positive it may be, if their mentality is a living hell, is it really wrong for them to want out? To let go? I'm not looking for a way out but my mind is unhinged enough that I really don't want to go any further. Because nothing will bring me true happiness. I won't get a second chance to go back, and I cannot get out of this depression.
Everybody's got their own lives to live. Most people probably don't want to sit on GAF reading a thread about someone not happy with theirs. And I totally understand that. When I see other personal threads like this I try to sympathize with the OP but at the end of the day on this forum how much do we care for each other? I don't know any of the people here that I've interacted with personally but I hope everyone is in good health and wishes well on everyone else around them. But the world will continue to spin.
tl;dr
OP is long enough as it is but I may come back to update things later if I feel like I missed something.
I've been a Muslim all my life but now more than ever I feel very disconnected with the faith. I think I still believe in a god, but the things about organized religions, and the motivations and agendas people have, I'm not sure if at this point of my life I can acclimate with them. What does that make me? Agnostic?
The lack of faith may be one things that's been an attributing factor to my depression. For a better part of this year I've been very depressed and I don't think there's any getting out of it. I love my mother and father and my family and they love me, and I have a lot of debts to pay so there is much to live for. But, mentally I feel like it is impossible for me to live this. My mental state is constantly going down the rails. When I interact with people I often have to just put a mask on and pretend nothing's going on in the back (though I understand everybody's got a dark side and are going through hard times in their lives one way or another).
So if someone really feels like mentally they cannot survive, that they are on mental life support, is it really wrong to want to pull the cord? I'm not actively looking for a way out (not gonna drop the s word in this thread), but I don't want to see 25. I think my time on this earth has been enough. And it's too late to write a story for me that goes further without me being in an imprisoned mind.
There are drug related issues as well but I don't want to write about that in a tl;dr. All I am asking for is feedback, honest feedback.
What do you think?
So I've been meaning to make this thread for a really long time. Maybe at least two months. But I've been delaying it for a while because of how long it may turn out to be, so I just never got around to doing it. But I think now's the right time to do it. The reason for the thread title is just showing that I want Muslim responses but I want the opinions of everyone else's as well. The last time I made a personal thread I didn't put Muslim in the title and I did get a lot of support from people but not much response from MuslimGAF.
I was raised to be religious. And I was, for a very long time in my life. And here on the GAF, other than the vent frustration thread I was just referring to, I don't think I ever actually stated much that I was a Muslim. Up to this point, I don't know if I should state that I am one because I don't know if I am, or if I'm not one. I don't know what I am.
I think I believe that there is a god. I'm of the opinion that anyone who believes in one, it's the same one of any Abrahamic faith. The same 1 god. And that everyone just has a different interpretation of it.
I practiced Ramadan this year, participated a lot in the OT, and I thought it would strengthen my faith going forward. But this year, I have never been more strayed from my religion. Probably for more reasons that I will get into later. Part of the reason may be because my parents practice the religion very dogmatically and when that's pressed upon me it makes me not want to do it. For instance, if it is prayer time and my father tells me to pray, it makes me not want to pray. I don't want to worship God because someone is telling me to. I want to worship God because I find it in my heart to do so.
That's part of it, but another part stems from the criticisms of the religion itself. For instance, while I know for sure that Jews and Christians are referred to as people of the book, I have simultaneously heard that very violent passages in the Qur'an still exist to those who oppose belief. And I never really see a good counterargument to it.
Or the whole "72 virgins" thing. The same thing with the prophet marrying a young girl. I don't ever hear a good explanation for any of these things.
Last year, when I was still in college, a classmate of mine passed away. I wasn't close with her but towards the end of the spring semester I interacted with her a lot because we were direct partners in a project of 5 or 6 people. I wanted a prayer for her to be included one Friday so I texted the president or vice president of the MSA. His first question was: "Was she Muslim?"
I don't think that should've mattered, but the answer was no. His response was, he's sorry to hear about her loss but he can't announce the request to do dua for her. That still, to this day, pisses me off.
And speaking of the profit, there's something else that bothers me - I feel like sometimes he's put on too high of a pedestal. Here's an example. This is a picture from inside my local masjid.
I know it's difficult to see, but to the right is a frame that reads "Allah" and to the left reads one that says "Muhammad"
That to me, on I guess a decorative scale, is putting the prophet on too high a pedestal. He's the exemplar for what a Muslim should be but he's still just a man.
----------
But here's the thing, the reason why I'm making so much of a fuss out of it, things going to get really personal...
I've struggled a very long time with depression. And I've been depressed for a long time this year. I feel like I need some sort of religious guidance to help me, but it's not. It could be that I need to put forth a better effort, but with everything happening in the world it's just depressing me even more. Like, on Facebook all I see is people with different agendas, and almost an indoctrinated way of thinking. No matter what side they are on they'll go into an event with preconception and preconceived notions that's been formed from their own ingrained bias. And it's depressing. It makes me want to just deactivate Facebook and not be on it but it sometimes comes as a vital part of communication.
And, here's a thing with that...I don't want to make it seem like my life is all that bad. I'm loved by family members and I know there are people in the world who are far worse off than I am in living conditions. But, that doesn't really help. And I recognize even here on GAF people go through worse things in life.
I'm an only child, and I hate it. I guess you can say I grew up spoiled and sheltered and it has damaged me. Very often I think about the times I misbehaved so badly with my mother and the look on her face she had with disappointment. I just can't get that out of my head. Being such a spoiled fucking brat and yelling at my mother because I didn't get something the way I wanted it.
I grew up around a lot of cousins. I could end the thread here but one cousin in particular who has been around me since I was born who's basically a brother.
I've also struggled a long time with marijuana. He knows the struggles I've had and he's thoroughly convinced I'm an addict. But he's wrong, and no, I'm not in denial. Yes, there have been points in my life where I've gotten high every single day and it has become costly for me. But I have learned to stay sober for long periods of time, even be around marijuana, have it presented and offered to me and say no.
This week when I was squatting at his place, and he came home to smell and see that I've gotten high. He says I have a problem. The next day he texts a whole bunch of shit to me saying things like,
Yes I wanted to be able to trust you. But you showed classic signs of addiction.
And so there no making a mistake twice.
If you have a desperation to smoke that's further proof that you have a problem
So I don't think a second chance is an option
Addicts should touch it at all. And I suggest you treat it like that.
If you feel that you need to smoke, you need to re evaluate shit in your life. But you will be cut off from any and all support from me
Sorry it has to be this way but this is addiction. It's not a joke
As far as I'm concerned, your smoking is over
PERIOD.
Sorry that there needs to be such a hard line but you brought this on yourself by your actions yesterday
I WILL NOT sit around and enable this behavior. I am pissed at myself for even bringing weed back into the convo in the first place.
and that was seriously putting me on edge, at a workplace that I already was depressed being at. He does not realize the effect his words are having on me and I don't know how to break it to him. There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't wish I'd wake up one day and it's June 2010 again, so I could get another crack at college (that would be summer going into sophomore year for me). I was never a business/finance type of guy. I was always a science type of guy. I should have stuck with my original plan of going to optometry school but I gave up on that very quickly and sophomore year is when spiraled down into an addiction to marijuana.
Seriously, every day, no matter what I am doing, I always have the thoughts of going back to 2010. I am obsessed with it. But like Jay Z said, time does not go back, it goes forward. But it's becoming impossible for me to live like this.
I feel like my mental state is deteriorating. I have a lot of student loans to pay back which I barely begun to do and on top of that, a whole bunch of parent plus loans under my father's name which nelnet simply can't consolidate into mine which puts me and my family in a sticky situation because there's absolutely no way my father will be able to pay back those loans.
I'm a 90s person. I'm going to be 25 next month, but I don't want to live to be that long. But here's the thing...I know that thought process is wrong, but if someone is so miserable with life no matter how positive it may be, if their mentality is a living hell, is it really wrong for them to want out? To let go? I'm not looking for a way out but my mind is unhinged enough that I really don't want to go any further. Because nothing will bring me true happiness. I won't get a second chance to go back, and I cannot get out of this depression.
Everybody's got their own lives to live. Most people probably don't want to sit on GAF reading a thread about someone not happy with theirs. And I totally understand that. When I see other personal threads like this I try to sympathize with the OP but at the end of the day on this forum how much do we care for each other? I don't know any of the people here that I've interacted with personally but I hope everyone is in good health and wishes well on everyone else around them. But the world will continue to spin.
tl;dr
OP is long enough as it is but I may come back to update things later if I feel like I missed something.
I've been a Muslim all my life but now more than ever I feel very disconnected with the faith. I think I still believe in a god, but the things about organized religions, and the motivations and agendas people have, I'm not sure if at this point of my life I can acclimate with them. What does that make me? Agnostic?
The lack of faith may be one things that's been an attributing factor to my depression. For a better part of this year I've been very depressed and I don't think there's any getting out of it. I love my mother and father and my family and they love me, and I have a lot of debts to pay so there is much to live for. But, mentally I feel like it is impossible for me to live this. My mental state is constantly going down the rails. When I interact with people I often have to just put a mask on and pretend nothing's going on in the back (though I understand everybody's got a dark side and are going through hard times in their lives one way or another).
So if someone really feels like mentally they cannot survive, that they are on mental life support, is it really wrong to want to pull the cord? I'm not actively looking for a way out (not gonna drop the s word in this thread), but I don't want to see 25. I think my time on this earth has been enough. And it's too late to write a story for me that goes further without me being in an imprisoned mind.
There are drug related issues as well but I don't want to write about that in a tl;dr. All I am asking for is feedback, honest feedback.
What do you think?