A set of dentures.
To think that one could owe ones life to a set of dentures. If he hadnt licked and clicked at his teeth habitually as he sang (badly), he would not have made to go back to his bedroom. One hand at the doors knob, his silhouette was visible through the stained glass of the main entrance when he suddenly stopped, tutting himself expressly. Pivoting on one leg, he turned around. And unwittingly, he fortuitously missed the pointedly pointed bits which smashed very loudly and rather uninvited, one must say through his front door, turning it into pieces of glass and fire woods. Tiny pieces. Probably useless even as fire wood.
Fortunately, his kind was typically blessed with the gift of uncanny agility. The vampire scrambled away from harms path, all the while striving to maintain as much glamour as he clambered to safety and failed. The uninvited pointed bits turned out to be a set of gigantic harpoons. Each of its sharp ends was a man-size arrow point, as long and almost as heavy as his ridiculous steel coffin (one could never feel safe when ones born as a paranoid vampire). Right at the business end of the harpoons, was his good friend and housemate Lamar.
Good Lord, my dear, what on Earth are you doing there! the vampire cried, hands flicking bits and pieces of debris off his expensive dinner suit. I thought you and her, last night-
Lamar sighed. Last night seemed so long ago. Last night he had made her angry. My heart turned to jelly when I thought I wasnt going to be able to save you in time, Quint.
The harpoons started to make a series of creaking noises; someone was trying to pull them back. The slack connection chains shook a little before tightening under the labor.
Quintus risked a peek around the ravaged entrance to his home and saw a spherical machine thumping about at the end of the pier. Despite its bulk, it was approaching their boathouse with surprising speed. It had six sturdy legs coming out from its base like a demented, bloated, happy, mechanical spider. The thing was grinning at them literally. Some sick person had decided to paint a big smile across the front of the machine.
Lamar, who had turned to a man of goo, was flailing and having a jolly hard time trying to stand. A little help?
Say, I think its your dear old friend, Dr. Bleep, the vampire remarked with an amicable tone, and Lamar groaned.
He shot one arm up to support himself, a great wobbling limb of transparent apple green jelly, and carefully placed it against a half-destroyed table. Timing himself, he heaved and pulled his whole body weight by his shoulder. Then he steadied himself for a few seconds tottering and bobbing gently.
LAMAR DE HAUGHNESSY! TODAY IS THE DAY THAT I WILL HAVE YOU!
Quintus cackled a little. Hes always so energetic, this fellow, isnt he. Bless him.
Lamar grunted and, feeling emboldened by his steadying limbs, made the mistake of standing upright on his massive, gelatinous feet. The vampire jumped a little as splashes of gel plopped onto the floor. The thick gobs looked a bit like a large gingerbread man, though somewhat flattened and face down.
A painful moan came from the apple-green ginger-jelly man, AaarrghhHGOD.
DIE, YOU UNNATURAL PIECE OF
.um, THING.
And the Doctor meant business. The smiling mouth of the rotund machine spread into a gaping maw, revealing holes for teeth - holes that started blazing redder and redder at their centers. Quintus eyes widened. This looks pretty bad, Lamar. Fires never been a friend of my kind, nor of a wooden boat-house. He cast a look on his immobilized friend. Nor of the jelly kind, Im afraid.
As dooms probability ratio shot from zero to one in a matter of seconds, Lamar cursed himself. Last night. Yes, last night he was an idiot. He had made her cry. He wished he could say how sorry he was. He wished he could see her face again, if only for one last time. Even if she was just going to yell at him again. He could feel the flames heat now, starting to melt the outermost layer of his gelatinous body to oblivion. Suddenly, he picked up Quintus sudden burst of happiness, Oh, here she comes!
She tore the oceans skin like a stretch of fine white line across the indigo waters, clad in her pale leather suit, riding one of her amphibious motorbikes. A few seconds later, true to her streak, she did something crazy. Putting the auto-drive on maximum speed, she set her vehicle on a collision course with the spherical machine of doom. She timed herself facetiously, balancing her lean body as best she could on the unsteady seat as she made ready to abandon the bike at the opportune moment.
The Doctor was panicking now, punching commands into his handheld console with frantic hands and shouting expletives at her. His dancing fingers pushed a small tubular thing to pop from the top of his fat steel juggernaut.
She leapt! At the last possible second, she twirled and took to the sky. She landed on their boathouses bow, not sparing even a footholds margin for error. Her scarf flew in the wind wildly as she danced through the air, all adrenaline and grace.
Quintus had clapped appreciatively, then, Blubbery!
Lamars heart skipped a beat. Boom. One explosion followed by a series of smaller explosions, accompanied by a high-pitched raving of nothing but very bad language from the good doctor. The man-of-goo wanted to stand up. He wanted to look at her, to catch a glimpse of that fine oval face with its twin orbs of amber. He wanted to, but his cursed jelly limbs were hopeless and cumbersome.
He could hear her footsteps, striding and impatient as she came to their side. Then he heard her yelling at Quintus irately, Blueberry!
Her name was Blueberry Whisk, and she was the most beautiful woman in Lamars world. Quintus often piped an addendum very quickly, with that smart-aleck voice of his, that Lamars world population size was miniscule. Lamar never cared. She was his everything. Her travelling boots by his head, she said very sharply, I really shouldnt have bothered.
His heart turned to lead at her curt tone, at the thought of her abandoning him. He was suddenly on his feet, a man of solid lead, and hugged her to him tightly. If it weren't for Quintus pushing his way between them, Lamar very nearly would have crushed her. "Wonderful effort, Dr. Bleep!" the vampire called gleefully.
Blueberry and Lamar turned around to see the tubular unit that had escaped her explosive attack earlier. It was a one-man robotic suit with two chunky legs and one still very functional fire-cannon ... which was now firing its liquid-flame ball of death at the trio.
Lamars eyes widened, and instinctively he moved to shield Blueberry. The vampire cackled wildly and, moving nimbly, dissolved into a strange strain of smokes and shadow. The infernal ball hit Lamar squarely in the buttocks as Blueberry clung to his leaden body. The flaming ball thunked to the floor, then rolling away and setting the boathouse on fire. She seemed unusually fragile at that moment and Lamar tightened his hold on her. They stood still for awhile then, a sea of flames licking up everything into crackling destruction and he felt that this was where he belonged. This was where she belonged.
A rising crescendo of laughter tore the moment, HAHAHAHAHA! GOOD-BYE, LAM-oh, shit.
The Doctor squealed in protest as Quintus landed on top of his robotic contraption, his short silver blade shining white under the moon, Hi.
Gitoffme! Get off! This is between me and Lamar, curse you! The doctor shook his mechanic limbs violently, trying to shake off the sticky smoke-like figure from its back.
Dr. Bleep-
Dr. Bleed, you fool! He flailed around, mounting in his anger.
Pardon me, Dr. Bleak, but- Quintus attempted, whilst his blade danced through the wirings and joints of the rowdy mechanical automaton, rending it asunder with merciless ease.
BLEED! As in blood and destruction! Death! TERROR! DOOM! It was at this particular moment that his robotic invention decided to exit stage left. Parts slid off his left and right, gears rained down as cables gave out in a display of hapless flailing. He was left with nothing but two control sticks, which he gripped very tightly in his hands. CURSES AND PLAGUE!
He frantically pushed himself out of the incapacitated automaton and glared at Quintus as he whipped out a small, yet incredibly well-crafted, motorized pair of wings out from his backpack, Youre going on the LIST! UGH!
The vampire would have pursued the suddenly winged man, but he was flightless himself, and resorted to wave cheerily at the receding figure in the night sky. He turned around and saw the boat was sinking into the sea, Not good! Oh, no!
Quintus ran back and saw Blueberry and Lamar in the midst of the flaming structure, Swim, you fools!
He cant! Blueberry yelled back, Hes too heavy!
Lamar let go of his beloved. You go. Go. Now. His leaden body was sinking very swiftly, the waters rising up to his waist and further to his chest in a matter of minutes.
She slapped him, but it hurt her hand more than him. She fought back a wince as she scowled, "Don't be stupid. Not without you."
She mumbled something he couldnt hear as his head submerged. He grasped for her and then stopped. He was suddenly afraid he might tear her limb off with his weighty metal fingers. She was reaching out to him, fingers outstretched and fear in her eyes. The sea sloshed and whirled around him, a suctioning whirlpool that dragged him downward. He tried to push free of it, but his weight and gravity worked against him.
The foolish girl! She swam after him obstinately, slipping lower into the depths of the dark water. A spark of pain burned through his chest, a mixture of anger and desperation for her safety. She shot out both of her arms and pulled herself close to him. She kissed his leaden lips with hers, deeply, lacing into it all of her wishes and all of her passion. And his heart fluttered, soared gave him wings.
Quintus stepped back in amazement as Icarus burst out of the water. The maiden in his arms, he ascended heavenwards in a shimmer of diamond glitters, watery beads cascading from his wings as he wheeled upwards at the sky.
He grinned. Aaah, the truth shall set you free, young loves.
