Anaxagoras
Banned
In this thread I will share with you the story of my apostasy and the reasons and the causes that have lead to it, it will be a long read since it has been a long journey but I will try to make it short and interesting and hopefully you will enjoy reading it.
The story starts in Saudi Arabia, I was just like all other kids around me, religion was never a big deal to me back then since everybody around me was a Muslim, I was also at a quite young to care too much about it.
Just like all the other kids around me, I used to go to a Quran school, prayed the five prayers daily; Prayed the Fajir prayer before I went to school, Thuhur and Aser at school with my class mates, Maghrib and Eisha while playing football with my neighbours.
Jason, a British atheist moved into our neighborhood with his family, many of the kids around me separated themselves from him since he wasn't a muslim, I myself didnt really care since my family didn't say anything about hanging out with him and to be honest I grew tired of the guys that I used to hangout with.
He had a really awesome room compared to our shitty empty ones, we used to sit in there almost everyday after school and play playstation games, listen to western music which I was against at the beginning but later it grew on me and I started to enjoy it.
He invited me to his birthday once, which took place during Ramadan, so they all waited till sunset so that we can all eat at the same time, which was really nice of them, I was very thankful for that and started to have great respect for them.
At that point I started skipping the prayers after school since I used to hangout with him and he doesn't pray, and I hated walking to the mosque alone, my parents noticed that too and they were against it but they never forced me to go pray when I was with him by grounding me for example.
One day, while playing badminton with his father, my Saudi neighbor asked me to stop playing and go to the mosque because the prayers were about to start, I told him that I will but continued on playing. Later on he shows up after the prayer really pissed, he drags me to his house and gives me a beating.
At that point I started to become more aware of our differences, what the man did to me was Islamic and I couldn't hate him for it but there were better ways to deal with it. At that point I started to realize that Islam wasn't really the best way to live life but I didn't really care because I was convinced that it was true.
11th September happens, I has outside the house biking when I see the kids happy and jumping around, I tried to understand what has happened but didn't really succeed at that until I went back home and saw my family in front of the TV watching the twin tours burn down, everybody seemed happy that the Americans finally got a taste of their own medicine, I was happy too since everybody considered it back then a muslim victory against the nonmuslims, but at the same I had mixed feelings about it knowing that there might be people like Jason and his family who has died in the attack.
The war on Iraq started and I started to watch the news at least 6 hours a day, I got really interested in politics and religion but satellite and internet were censored so I wasn't exposed to the other side of the story.
The Imams used to pray against the Americans everyday, they managed to reason their way and connected the dots, claiming that this is all war on Islam and reminding us of what the Prophet did back in the days and the rewards we get if we do this and that.
I started to become more and more religious, my hate for nonmuslims grew specially for gays and jews, I started to support terrorist attacks, I looked up to Osama bin Laden (who my father worked with in KSA in a project to build extra toilets or something like that in Mecca before he became a terrorist), Al Zarqawi (fourth most wanted terrorist in Iraq, he was some what related my mothers family and I have been to his families house once), Hezbollah, and the religious political movements in the middle east.
It was time to go back to Sweden, where my father is from, which I don't remember a lot about, I experienced a culture shock, I wasn't used to seeing people of different sexes mixed together this way, I hated how people kissed in parks and gays held hands, I even hated the semi nude ads everywhere.
I started gymnasium and eventually got to know two classmates who the first was gay and the second was a jew, I hated them so much at the beginning, tried to avoid them a lot but later on I started to like them and we became friends although we disagreed about a lot of things.
We started discussing and arguing a lot and I started to understand their point of view, at that point I started to separate myself from fundamentalist, I understood that terrorism isn't the answer, I started having respect to modern secular societies and I started to understand Islam from a different perspective, I also started talking to a different Imam who was a more modern Muslim, and I started to appreciate his views and started to support them too.
The danish cartoons were released and I watched how the Muslims around the world started to boycott, demonstrate, threat and burn down embassies, at that point I became against that barbaric behavior, I was also asked by classmates and friends to explain to them what was going on and tell them what I personally think of what was going on, It was a very difficult thing for me to do at the time because I myself didn't really know how should I react as a Muslim.
I started the Theory of knowledge course, and since I was the only muslim in the class I was always asked about my opinions when having discussions in order to get different views on the subject, my interest in religion and culture grew even more.
I also started to realize that there are a lot of contradictions between Quranic creationism and the science that I studied at school and I had a hard time ignoring it because I was 100% sure that Islam is the true religion, I had discussion with my parents and other people around me about it but all they managed to do is either claim that these are biased theories which I had a hard time believing, or that the verses are symbolic or are not supposed to be interpreted in this specific way.
I started to blog about these questions hopping that someone in the Arab blogging community would be able to help me with them, some tried but non succeeded. However one of the commentators linked me to a Richard Dawkins movie on google videos and I directly loved the way he reasoned, a lot of it made sense to me but if it did anything it only made me more confused.
I went a head and downloaded his book the God delusion, it was a pain in the ass to read so I went and bought the book when I got my money, I also got a copy of Christopher Hitchens God is not great.
I started having more serious discussions, specially with friends who were gay or athiest, I started to feel that I don't really believe that the Quran is the perfect word of God.
In a cosmology lesson, I learned about the cosmic background radiation, I also started to understand the big bang theory, I went back to the Quran and looked up the verses that speak of creationism, and found a contradiction that I couldn't walk around no matter how I interpreted the verse, which was about the earth being older than everything else in the universe including the stars, you can check it up yourself if you are interested Quran 41:9-12
I continued watching religious debates and funny atheistic videos on youtube and a month or two after that I felt that it would be stupid of me to practice Islam any longer but I didn't really how to denounce it, I was too afraid of doing it so I asked my father to watch one of the Richard Dawkins movies with me and he did so, I was hopping that we could have a discussion after the movie but he tried to avoid discussing it with me and just left the room.
A couple of weeks later, I decided that I should man up and stick to what I really believe so I went a head and made the decision that I am no longer a Muslim, I felt great about and decided to let me parents know about it the same morning, I started by asking my father why did he convert to Islam:
Dad: Because Islam is good and it is better than western lifestyle.
Me: So you choose Islam because it is a good religion and not because it is the true religion?
Dad: No.
Me: Then please share with me what has convinced you that Islam is the true religion.
Dad: well, back when I used to live in Sweden *continued on talking about different lifestyles*
Me: So you have no reason that makes you believe that Islam is the true religion?
Dad: Yes, Islams way of life is a lot better than the western lifestyle.
Me: Dad, there is a difference between what is good and what is true!
I want to know why you believe that Islam is the true religion and all the other religions are man made, provide me with something that I can rely on as proof or evidence.
Dad: There is no reason, proof or evidence that proves Islam to be the true religion.
Me: So how am I supposed to distinguish between Gods true message and all the other man made religions out there?
Dad: You have to think!
Me: How am I supposed to think when there is no logical reason or evidence that proves to me that Islam is Gods true religion?
Dad: You just have to think, its called faith, its not based on evidence.
Me: Ok, let us say that the creator of this universe wanted to communicate with us, and he, a fair God will punish me with eternity in hell if I choose to practice a different belief, isnt he supposed to make it clear for us the believers to distinguish between his true religion and all the other man made religions?
Dad: True..
Me: But there is no proof what so ever that I can rely on to distinguish the true religion from the false religion!
If I want to reach to the truth, I have to experiment the truth in the different religions by comparing them with my reality.
It is unfortunately so that there are contradictions between the reality that I live in and what the different religions claim to be the truth, and so only one of them is true if any at all is true.
So as a rational person, what should I follow? What my reality has proven to be true by support of evidence or what people around me believe is true due to ancient scripts and promises?
Dad: There are many Muslims scientists that believe in the theory of evolution and the big bang, there is no problem about that.
Me: Just because one can become a Muslim scientists does not mean that science and religion do not contradict each other, because they literarily do.
It is either that I originate from Adam and Eva who are the first two Humans to be sent down to earth or that I have evolved from a previous existing mammal.
It is either that God created the world in 6 days or 14 billion years.
Fast forward 15 minutes into the discussion.
Dad: Believe in what ever you want, it is your life and your decision.
Me: I see no reason to believe that Islam is the true religion and therefore I do not believe that Islam is the true religion.
Dad: *No comment.*
Me: I hope you dont feel bad about my decision! do you?
Dad: Not at all, it is good that you are thinking about it, keep on researching and dont make any fast conclusions.
The topic started to change/fade from this point on.
I left the house shortly after the discussion to reward/punish myself with a very good/bad cigarette.
I have then called my mother on the phone to inform her about my decision to leave Islam, the discussion started like this:
Me: I just want to let you know that I am not a Muslim any longer.
Mom: WHAT?
Me: yeah, I have just left Islam, I think that you should know about my decision, it is up to you if you want to tell my siblings know about it, I dont mind.
Mom: Dont say that, what are you talking about?
Me: I have been thinking about it for a couple of years now and I have reached to the conclusion that Islam is just another man made religion.
Mom: Dont say that! and do not base your decision on how Muslims behave these days, that is not how Islam..
Me: Do not worry, my decision is based on the Quran itself.
Mom: Dont say that, when I was your age I too had doubts in Islam and..
Me: Dont worry I am way past that phase now.
Mom: Oh, May God forgive you and guide you to the true path.
Me: Thanks, dont worry about me.
I just dont believe in the Abrahamic God, its not like a have became a bad person, I will still stick to my lifestyle and what you have taught me, I just dont believe that Islams version of the truth is the truth.
Mom: What? you think that I will be happy about hearing this, you leave the good part and stick to the bad part?
Me: No, I dont mean it that way, I mean that I wont become a thief, a pedophile or turn into a homosexual or an alcoholic.
Mom: It is up to you darling but please do not make any fast conclusions. May God..
The rest of the discussion was prayers and wishes.
I felt relieved for finally sharing my true believes with my parents, I was finally able to be myself around them and I no longer need to fake being religious.
I also felt bad because I have made my parents worried about me, they for sure feel guilty for my decision but they will understand that I havent done anything wrong by time.
I am still not used to the idea of being a Kafir, I hate being labeled with such a word, I do not hate Muslims or want to destroy and invade Muslim land, I just do not share the same belief.
A couple of months after my apostasy my father read my blog and realized that I am speaking publicly of my apostasy and he started to get worried, he asked me to delete it but I refused, he later on stopped talking to me and started acting very religious in front of me to make me feel very irritated by it, which didn't really irritate me at all.
It started to feel that he cares more about what others would say about him than what I, his son, feels.
One day he walked into my room and told me he was going to the mosque and he wants me out of the house.
I tried to talk to him about it but he has already made up his mind, he answered me in a very cold way and it just made me cry like a baby as soon as he left the house.
I currently live alone and my relationship with my family is getting a bit better, they finally started to realize that I a didn't turn into an evil guy because of my apostasy and my mother for some reason started to like more when she realized that I stopped being the crazy religious guy who complained about everything thats unislamic, at least I dont force to cover her face as I did once when I was 12 years old in Saudi Arabia.
Wow, that was quite long, to whoever is interested in my story I hope you enjoyed it, It felt good to write about it anyway.
*Opens another beer* Cheers!
The story starts in Saudi Arabia, I was just like all other kids around me, religion was never a big deal to me back then since everybody around me was a Muslim, I was also at a quite young to care too much about it.
Just like all the other kids around me, I used to go to a Quran school, prayed the five prayers daily; Prayed the Fajir prayer before I went to school, Thuhur and Aser at school with my class mates, Maghrib and Eisha while playing football with my neighbours.
Jason, a British atheist moved into our neighborhood with his family, many of the kids around me separated themselves from him since he wasn't a muslim, I myself didnt really care since my family didn't say anything about hanging out with him and to be honest I grew tired of the guys that I used to hangout with.
He had a really awesome room compared to our shitty empty ones, we used to sit in there almost everyday after school and play playstation games, listen to western music which I was against at the beginning but later it grew on me and I started to enjoy it.
He invited me to his birthday once, which took place during Ramadan, so they all waited till sunset so that we can all eat at the same time, which was really nice of them, I was very thankful for that and started to have great respect for them.
At that point I started skipping the prayers after school since I used to hangout with him and he doesn't pray, and I hated walking to the mosque alone, my parents noticed that too and they were against it but they never forced me to go pray when I was with him by grounding me for example.
One day, while playing badminton with his father, my Saudi neighbor asked me to stop playing and go to the mosque because the prayers were about to start, I told him that I will but continued on playing. Later on he shows up after the prayer really pissed, he drags me to his house and gives me a beating.
At that point I started to become more aware of our differences, what the man did to me was Islamic and I couldn't hate him for it but there were better ways to deal with it. At that point I started to realize that Islam wasn't really the best way to live life but I didn't really care because I was convinced that it was true.
11th September happens, I has outside the house biking when I see the kids happy and jumping around, I tried to understand what has happened but didn't really succeed at that until I went back home and saw my family in front of the TV watching the twin tours burn down, everybody seemed happy that the Americans finally got a taste of their own medicine, I was happy too since everybody considered it back then a muslim victory against the nonmuslims, but at the same I had mixed feelings about it knowing that there might be people like Jason and his family who has died in the attack.
The war on Iraq started and I started to watch the news at least 6 hours a day, I got really interested in politics and religion but satellite and internet were censored so I wasn't exposed to the other side of the story.
The Imams used to pray against the Americans everyday, they managed to reason their way and connected the dots, claiming that this is all war on Islam and reminding us of what the Prophet did back in the days and the rewards we get if we do this and that.
I started to become more and more religious, my hate for nonmuslims grew specially for gays and jews, I started to support terrorist attacks, I looked up to Osama bin Laden (who my father worked with in KSA in a project to build extra toilets or something like that in Mecca before he became a terrorist), Al Zarqawi (fourth most wanted terrorist in Iraq, he was some what related my mothers family and I have been to his families house once), Hezbollah, and the religious political movements in the middle east.
It was time to go back to Sweden, where my father is from, which I don't remember a lot about, I experienced a culture shock, I wasn't used to seeing people of different sexes mixed together this way, I hated how people kissed in parks and gays held hands, I even hated the semi nude ads everywhere.
I started gymnasium and eventually got to know two classmates who the first was gay and the second was a jew, I hated them so much at the beginning, tried to avoid them a lot but later on I started to like them and we became friends although we disagreed about a lot of things.
We started discussing and arguing a lot and I started to understand their point of view, at that point I started to separate myself from fundamentalist, I understood that terrorism isn't the answer, I started having respect to modern secular societies and I started to understand Islam from a different perspective, I also started talking to a different Imam who was a more modern Muslim, and I started to appreciate his views and started to support them too.
The danish cartoons were released and I watched how the Muslims around the world started to boycott, demonstrate, threat and burn down embassies, at that point I became against that barbaric behavior, I was also asked by classmates and friends to explain to them what was going on and tell them what I personally think of what was going on, It was a very difficult thing for me to do at the time because I myself didn't really know how should I react as a Muslim.
I started the Theory of knowledge course, and since I was the only muslim in the class I was always asked about my opinions when having discussions in order to get different views on the subject, my interest in religion and culture grew even more.
I also started to realize that there are a lot of contradictions between Quranic creationism and the science that I studied at school and I had a hard time ignoring it because I was 100% sure that Islam is the true religion, I had discussion with my parents and other people around me about it but all they managed to do is either claim that these are biased theories which I had a hard time believing, or that the verses are symbolic or are not supposed to be interpreted in this specific way.
I started to blog about these questions hopping that someone in the Arab blogging community would be able to help me with them, some tried but non succeeded. However one of the commentators linked me to a Richard Dawkins movie on google videos and I directly loved the way he reasoned, a lot of it made sense to me but if it did anything it only made me more confused.
I went a head and downloaded his book the God delusion, it was a pain in the ass to read so I went and bought the book when I got my money, I also got a copy of Christopher Hitchens God is not great.
I started having more serious discussions, specially with friends who were gay or athiest, I started to feel that I don't really believe that the Quran is the perfect word of God.
In a cosmology lesson, I learned about the cosmic background radiation, I also started to understand the big bang theory, I went back to the Quran and looked up the verses that speak of creationism, and found a contradiction that I couldn't walk around no matter how I interpreted the verse, which was about the earth being older than everything else in the universe including the stars, you can check it up yourself if you are interested Quran 41:9-12
I continued watching religious debates and funny atheistic videos on youtube and a month or two after that I felt that it would be stupid of me to practice Islam any longer but I didn't really how to denounce it, I was too afraid of doing it so I asked my father to watch one of the Richard Dawkins movies with me and he did so, I was hopping that we could have a discussion after the movie but he tried to avoid discussing it with me and just left the room.
A couple of weeks later, I decided that I should man up and stick to what I really believe so I went a head and made the decision that I am no longer a Muslim, I felt great about and decided to let me parents know about it the same morning, I started by asking my father why did he convert to Islam:
Dad: Because Islam is good and it is better than western lifestyle.
Me: So you choose Islam because it is a good religion and not because it is the true religion?
Dad: No.
Me: Then please share with me what has convinced you that Islam is the true religion.
Dad: well, back when I used to live in Sweden *continued on talking about different lifestyles*
Me: So you have no reason that makes you believe that Islam is the true religion?
Dad: Yes, Islams way of life is a lot better than the western lifestyle.
Me: Dad, there is a difference between what is good and what is true!
I want to know why you believe that Islam is the true religion and all the other religions are man made, provide me with something that I can rely on as proof or evidence.
Dad: There is no reason, proof or evidence that proves Islam to be the true religion.
Me: So how am I supposed to distinguish between Gods true message and all the other man made religions out there?
Dad: You have to think!
Me: How am I supposed to think when there is no logical reason or evidence that proves to me that Islam is Gods true religion?
Dad: You just have to think, its called faith, its not based on evidence.
Me: Ok, let us say that the creator of this universe wanted to communicate with us, and he, a fair God will punish me with eternity in hell if I choose to practice a different belief, isnt he supposed to make it clear for us the believers to distinguish between his true religion and all the other man made religions?
Dad: True..
Me: But there is no proof what so ever that I can rely on to distinguish the true religion from the false religion!
If I want to reach to the truth, I have to experiment the truth in the different religions by comparing them with my reality.
It is unfortunately so that there are contradictions between the reality that I live in and what the different religions claim to be the truth, and so only one of them is true if any at all is true.
So as a rational person, what should I follow? What my reality has proven to be true by support of evidence or what people around me believe is true due to ancient scripts and promises?
Dad: There are many Muslims scientists that believe in the theory of evolution and the big bang, there is no problem about that.
Me: Just because one can become a Muslim scientists does not mean that science and religion do not contradict each other, because they literarily do.
It is either that I originate from Adam and Eva who are the first two Humans to be sent down to earth or that I have evolved from a previous existing mammal.
It is either that God created the world in 6 days or 14 billion years.
Fast forward 15 minutes into the discussion.
Dad: Believe in what ever you want, it is your life and your decision.
Me: I see no reason to believe that Islam is the true religion and therefore I do not believe that Islam is the true religion.
Dad: *No comment.*
Me: I hope you dont feel bad about my decision! do you?
Dad: Not at all, it is good that you are thinking about it, keep on researching and dont make any fast conclusions.
The topic started to change/fade from this point on.
I left the house shortly after the discussion to reward/punish myself with a very good/bad cigarette.
I have then called my mother on the phone to inform her about my decision to leave Islam, the discussion started like this:
Me: I just want to let you know that I am not a Muslim any longer.
Mom: WHAT?
Me: yeah, I have just left Islam, I think that you should know about my decision, it is up to you if you want to tell my siblings know about it, I dont mind.
Mom: Dont say that, what are you talking about?
Me: I have been thinking about it for a couple of years now and I have reached to the conclusion that Islam is just another man made religion.
Mom: Dont say that! and do not base your decision on how Muslims behave these days, that is not how Islam..
Me: Do not worry, my decision is based on the Quran itself.
Mom: Dont say that, when I was your age I too had doubts in Islam and..
Me: Dont worry I am way past that phase now.
Mom: Oh, May God forgive you and guide you to the true path.
Me: Thanks, dont worry about me.
I just dont believe in the Abrahamic God, its not like a have became a bad person, I will still stick to my lifestyle and what you have taught me, I just dont believe that Islams version of the truth is the truth.
Mom: What? you think that I will be happy about hearing this, you leave the good part and stick to the bad part?
Me: No, I dont mean it that way, I mean that I wont become a thief, a pedophile or turn into a homosexual or an alcoholic.
Mom: It is up to you darling but please do not make any fast conclusions. May God..
The rest of the discussion was prayers and wishes.
I felt relieved for finally sharing my true believes with my parents, I was finally able to be myself around them and I no longer need to fake being religious.
I also felt bad because I have made my parents worried about me, they for sure feel guilty for my decision but they will understand that I havent done anything wrong by time.
I am still not used to the idea of being a Kafir, I hate being labeled with such a word, I do not hate Muslims or want to destroy and invade Muslim land, I just do not share the same belief.
A couple of months after my apostasy my father read my blog and realized that I am speaking publicly of my apostasy and he started to get worried, he asked me to delete it but I refused, he later on stopped talking to me and started acting very religious in front of me to make me feel very irritated by it, which didn't really irritate me at all.
It started to feel that he cares more about what others would say about him than what I, his son, feels.
One day he walked into my room and told me he was going to the mosque and he wants me out of the house.
I tried to talk to him about it but he has already made up his mind, he answered me in a very cold way and it just made me cry like a baby as soon as he left the house.
I currently live alone and my relationship with my family is getting a bit better, they finally started to realize that I a didn't turn into an evil guy because of my apostasy and my mother for some reason started to like more when she realized that I stopped being the crazy religious guy who complained about everything thats unislamic, at least I dont force to cover her face as I did once when I was 12 years old in Saudi Arabia.
Wow, that was quite long, to whoever is interested in my story I hope you enjoyed it, It felt good to write about it anyway.
*Opens another beer* Cheers!
