Mecha_Infantry
Banned
...Well probably actually 4 years.
But I haven't said much on GAF about it, and I doubt many of you know who I am. I should probably have Live Journeled this. But eh, fuck it.
Anyways, I fell in love with the most amazing girl in 2006/2007, long distance relationship so obviously it made things hard, especially when we got engaged. I hadn't been over to visit her in Canada but I went in 2007. It was a struggle for me financially being in uni so over summer I worked 5 days at SEGA and 2 days retail, so all 7 days which meant I saw less and less of my cousin. He'd email me sometimes from work and I wouldn't reply because I didn't have the time
Before that I had a really close relationship with my cousin. He lived a few minutes down the road from me, and we kicked it after I finished uni all the time. From watching Shaw Brothers flicks, to playing games on PS2 and stuff it was the best period of my life. Well...for then
Fast forward to me laying in bed with my girl in Canada and I woke up having a panic attack- sweating, fever, headache like no tomorrow, I also dreamt of him having an argument with his mum and I told my girl about it too. Whilst she was getting me a glass of water my phone rang and my sister was on the line. She sounded really bad and I knew something was wrong. I then learnt my cousin committed suicide. Whilst I'll spare you the in and outs of the story I was a total mess. I had another 5 days in with her in Canada which were awful, then I pretty much broke down in the airport when leaving her. Coming back to the UK and the subsequent months I crashed pretty damn hard. I because a borderline alcoholic, was on weed, coke, ex pills all types of drugs. But I let things spiral out of control. I got so damn fat too just binge eating on food
The two things that got me about his suicide were 1) he didn't mention me in the suicide note. I didn't know how to take it. I thought it was because we got so distant he didn't think I cared, I don't know. I really don't. 2) I didn't know he was ill. He kept it from me all that time. His illness wasn't even life threatening, but it was socially threatening and he couldn't have too many friends or a girlfriend because of it.
I can honestly say it was the worst few years of my life. I ended up breaking up with my fiancee due to me being high or drunk and getting into stupid arguments with her over nothing and it just fucked things up. For that to happen to a girl you thought things were going to be perfect with, well trust me it is soul-crushing. I'm usually a strong man but this tested me beyond belief. I was suicidal too, I tried it but it didn't work. My doctor put me on anti-depressants, that didn't work. I tried to talk to Psychologist but that didn't help either. In my mind I knew I wanted out of life, but something was pulling me back
But it's not all sad.
I decided one day to visit his sister who was the one who found him after he passed away and I read his diary and found out all what was going on with him and it was eye opening and I stil haven't finished reading it due to the amount of pain it caused me. His family knew he took up buddhism, but thought that was the driving force behind his suicide but I didn't believe it. After doing some reading into buddhism I became a follower myself. Whilst I can't say I'm a buddhist, I follow the traditions and beliefs as much as I can
Unfortunately before this I self harmed myself, but not in that way. I damaged a bodypart so badly it was un-repairable and after 4 surgeries things didn't work out, so ultimately I will have to declare myself as partially disabled (apparently according to my surgeon). BUt this was the eye opener for me.
There was a lot I saw myself doing just to get out of the negativity that was in my mind. I felt sorry for myself after a while and I had enough. I stopped drinking, I went completely clean on drugs and I started training at the gym again. Then I delved deeper into self-phycology and developed ways to empower myself mentally and physically through Buddhism and other methods.
..and so it's been a year since I first had my surgery after self-harm. I was walking back today from the gym and I started crying. But I wasn't upset. I was crying because I could see the way I harmed a lot of people and myself when I was heavily depressed. I felt happy inside that I had overcome with worst low in my life, just by believing in myself more. I was so close to dying I can't even fully remember certain periods of that time, and it was only a couple of years ago
Now can I say I'm happy? I don't know. I'm in good shape, I have decent health, a new girlfriend, a full-time well paid job, finished my BSc and started my masters and the belief inside me that I can't ever go as low as I did.
I don't know why I posted this here, but I know many people post depression threads, and unfortunately we lost one of our own some months back. But I just wanted people to know it happens to us all with varying degrees of effects and emotions and ultimately with time you will make it through the rough days, weeks, months and years. I'm not angry or upset at my cousin for taking his life, I know just see it as the fluidity of the circle of life.
Thanks...
edit* Throughout the whole time I always read GAF without fail. I don't know why, but I just did.
But I haven't said much on GAF about it, and I doubt many of you know who I am. I should probably have Live Journeled this. But eh, fuck it.
Anyways, I fell in love with the most amazing girl in 2006/2007, long distance relationship so obviously it made things hard, especially when we got engaged. I hadn't been over to visit her in Canada but I went in 2007. It was a struggle for me financially being in uni so over summer I worked 5 days at SEGA and 2 days retail, so all 7 days which meant I saw less and less of my cousin. He'd email me sometimes from work and I wouldn't reply because I didn't have the time
Before that I had a really close relationship with my cousin. He lived a few minutes down the road from me, and we kicked it after I finished uni all the time. From watching Shaw Brothers flicks, to playing games on PS2 and stuff it was the best period of my life. Well...for then
Fast forward to me laying in bed with my girl in Canada and I woke up having a panic attack- sweating, fever, headache like no tomorrow, I also dreamt of him having an argument with his mum and I told my girl about it too. Whilst she was getting me a glass of water my phone rang and my sister was on the line. She sounded really bad and I knew something was wrong. I then learnt my cousin committed suicide. Whilst I'll spare you the in and outs of the story I was a total mess. I had another 5 days in with her in Canada which were awful, then I pretty much broke down in the airport when leaving her. Coming back to the UK and the subsequent months I crashed pretty damn hard. I because a borderline alcoholic, was on weed, coke, ex pills all types of drugs. But I let things spiral out of control. I got so damn fat too just binge eating on food
The two things that got me about his suicide were 1) he didn't mention me in the suicide note. I didn't know how to take it. I thought it was because we got so distant he didn't think I cared, I don't know. I really don't. 2) I didn't know he was ill. He kept it from me all that time. His illness wasn't even life threatening, but it was socially threatening and he couldn't have too many friends or a girlfriend because of it.
I can honestly say it was the worst few years of my life. I ended up breaking up with my fiancee due to me being high or drunk and getting into stupid arguments with her over nothing and it just fucked things up. For that to happen to a girl you thought things were going to be perfect with, well trust me it is soul-crushing. I'm usually a strong man but this tested me beyond belief. I was suicidal too, I tried it but it didn't work. My doctor put me on anti-depressants, that didn't work. I tried to talk to Psychologist but that didn't help either. In my mind I knew I wanted out of life, but something was pulling me back
But it's not all sad.
I decided one day to visit his sister who was the one who found him after he passed away and I read his diary and found out all what was going on with him and it was eye opening and I stil haven't finished reading it due to the amount of pain it caused me. His family knew he took up buddhism, but thought that was the driving force behind his suicide but I didn't believe it. After doing some reading into buddhism I became a follower myself. Whilst I can't say I'm a buddhist, I follow the traditions and beliefs as much as I can
Unfortunately before this I self harmed myself, but not in that way. I damaged a bodypart so badly it was un-repairable and after 4 surgeries things didn't work out, so ultimately I will have to declare myself as partially disabled (apparently according to my surgeon). BUt this was the eye opener for me.
There was a lot I saw myself doing just to get out of the negativity that was in my mind. I felt sorry for myself after a while and I had enough. I stopped drinking, I went completely clean on drugs and I started training at the gym again. Then I delved deeper into self-phycology and developed ways to empower myself mentally and physically through Buddhism and other methods.
..and so it's been a year since I first had my surgery after self-harm. I was walking back today from the gym and I started crying. But I wasn't upset. I was crying because I could see the way I harmed a lot of people and myself when I was heavily depressed. I felt happy inside that I had overcome with worst low in my life, just by believing in myself more. I was so close to dying I can't even fully remember certain periods of that time, and it was only a couple of years ago
Now can I say I'm happy? I don't know. I'm in good shape, I have decent health, a new girlfriend, a full-time well paid job, finished my BSc and started my masters and the belief inside me that I can't ever go as low as I did.
I don't know why I posted this here, but I know many people post depression threads, and unfortunately we lost one of our own some months back. But I just wanted people to know it happens to us all with varying degrees of effects and emotions and ultimately with time you will make it through the rough days, weeks, months and years. I'm not angry or upset at my cousin for taking his life, I know just see it as the fluidity of the circle of life.
Thanks...
edit* Throughout the whole time I always read GAF without fail. I don't know why, but I just did.
