• Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.

NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #91 - "Unbound"

Status
Not open for further replies.
C

Cyan

Banned
Theme - "Unbound"

Word Limit: 2000

Submission Deadline: Friday, February 24 by 11:59 PM Pacific.

Voting begins Saturday, February 25, and goes until Sunday, February 26 at 11:59 PM Pacific.

Optional Secondary Objective: Choose your own objective!

Work on whichever skill or whatever aspect of your writing you want. The catch: you have to let us know in advance what you're going to do. Argh, commitment! You can be as general ("description") or as specific ("paint a vivid picture of a futuristic noir setting") as you choose. See next post for some general possibilities.


Submission Guidelines:

- One entry per poster.
- All submissions must be written during the time of the challenge.
- Using the topic as the title of your piece is discouraged.
- Keep to the word count!

Voting Guidelines:

- Three votes per voter. Please denote in your voting your 1st (3 pts), 2nd (2 pts), and 3rd (1 pt) place votes.
- Please read all submissions before voting.
- You must vote in order to be eligible to win the challenge.
- When voting ends, the winner gets a collective pat on the back, and starts the new challenge.

NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge FAQ


The Entries:

Alucard - "Summer's End"
ronito - "And Eve Said No"
Ward - "An Excerpt from the Annals of the Kings"
Puddles - "Exodus"
Grakl - "The Kings"
Tangent - "I Am" or "Clay"
Elfforkusu - "Aether" (ineligible, but please read and comment anyway)
Alfarif - "Breylalen"
Ashes - “Unbind” or “How a House Became a Home”
Cyan - "The Box"
Bootaaay - "Mirrors"
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Some potential options for the secondary. Bear in mind that this is meant to give you some ideas--it's not a complete list by any means, nor is it particularly specific, so go as far afield as you like! (dare I say you are... unbound?)

Structure
Beginning
Ending
Plot Twists
Pacing
Advance Planning/Outlining
Non-linear Plot
Flashbacks
Foreshadowing

POV
Character Voice
Character Depth
Character Arc
Goals/Conflict

Tone
Style
Theme
Tight Writing/Killing Darlings
Clarity
Showing vs Telling
Language

Dialogue
Action
Emotion
Description

Setting/Worldbuilding
Humor
Mystery/Suspense
Romantic Tension

Anything!


For more ideas, see the list of prior secondary objectives at the bottom of the FAQ.

And remember, you've gotta pick in advance!
 
P

Puddles

Banned
My objective: a retelling of the Israelites' fruitless wandering through the desert, with the twist that the God of Their Fathers is neither all-knowing nor particularly loving. The setting will be changed from biblical Egypt and Palestine to a time and place that are entirely different.

Has this been done before?

I might end up changing this if I can't fit a self-contained story in this world into 2000 words or less.
 
W

WaxHustleNHos

Neo Member
So a short story or poem? Im a slightly new member so excuse me, but this sounds interesting. I would love to hear what people think of my writing. I'm not too good or anything, but I think this would be a nice way to improve myself.
 
A

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
I'm going to have to think on this one for the secondary. I kind of have an idea but I don't know if I want to commit to it just yet. Give me a day or two.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Ashes1396 said:
You write standing up? That makes a change I suppose.
Click to expand...

.

This time I'm not merely echoing Hemingway. My secondary objective is actually to write standing up. Write on my walks; write when I'm actually doing other things is my official secondary objective.

Yes. Busy with work. So I'm cheating. Technically.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Puddles said:
My objective: a retelling of the Israelites' fruitless wandering through the desert, with the twist that the God of Their Fathers is neither all-knowing nor particularly loving. The setting will be changed from biblical Egypt and Palestine to a time and place that are entirely different.

Has this been done before?

I might end up changing this if I can't fit a self-contained story in this world into 2000 words or less.
Click to expand...
Wow, very specific! Dunno if it's been done before, but it sounds cool.

WaxHustleNHos said:
So a short story or poem?
Click to expand...
You're welcome to do either, though there's a separate poetry thread these days as well.

I think this would be a nice way to improve myself.
Click to expand...
You think correctly!

Irish said:
All of them. I have no clue which one I am worst at, but I'm just going to say most.
Click to expand...
Pick one!
 
A

Alucard

Banned
Bang! Here's my submission. I was trying to channel Ray Bradbury a little bit, but I'm not sure if I succeeded. It's meant to sound a little "aw shucks," and I realize that not much actually "happens." Come at me, critic-GAF.

Summer’s End

It was the last day of summer vacation, and Peter was sauntering through the forest with William, camera in hand. They were two explorers on the frontier of the season’s swan song.

“What do you see, Peter?” William asked.

“Everything,” Peter replied, the sun’s rays shining through the swaying treetops with gleaming winks, covering Peter’s face.

“Look there,” Peter said, pointing upwards, “You see that bird? That’s a robin. They’re everywhere in this forest.”

“I know what a robin is, Pete. It’s just a bird.”

“It’s more than a bird, Will. It’s…heaven’s messenger.”

“I hate it when you talk weird,” Will replied.

“Well, it’s true.”

Peter placed the lens to his eye. He zoomed in, hoping to capture the bird for all time.

SNAP.

The robin was immortalized.

“You’ve gotta learn to see the world, Will.”

“I see just fine. Just because I don’t talk about everything doesn’t mean that I don’t see.”

“Shh! Shh! Look there,” Peter whispered, crouching down onto one knee, and pointing to his mind’s eye’s next wonder.

“What is it? Where?” Will asked.

“There! I’m pointing right at it. It’s a chipmunk.”

Sure enough, there was a brown four-legged wonder scurrying around under a raspberry bush. Its nose was sniffing fervently in the boys’ direction.

“Don’t move,” said Peter, placing his camera to his eye once more. Will wasn’t sure if Peter had been addressing him or the chipmunk.

SNAP.

“Nice one, Pete. I don’t know how you see these things.”

“You just gotta keep your eyes and ears open. Nature’s always calling, if you know how to tune your senses.”

“There you go again.” Will rolled his eyes.

“What?” Peter asked, smiling.

“Talking weird.”

“Pfft. I’m talking how I see things.”

“Come on, don’t you wanna do something more than just snap pictures all day? It’s our last day of freedom! I mean, don’t get me wrong, this is fun and all, but I wanna run! Chuck’s at the park with the guys, and they’re kicking the ball around.”

“Then go,” Peter said absentmindedly.

“You sure? You gonna be okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll catch up with you later. I wanna walk around a bit more.”

“Alright, Pete. I’ll see ya later.”

“Okay, see ya,” Peter said.

Will ran through golden and waltzing summer life. Peter watched him vanish, but not before snapping a shot of Will cradled by the season’s full verdant arms.

This was Peter’s world. A ballet of birds and butterflies. A dance of leaves and branches where you were never sure who was leading, but it looked wondrous all the same. A stage play of creatures whizzing about, breathing in the summer air, and resting under full rustling leaves, mushrooms, flowers, and dewy grass. This was the world of wonder, and the world that reminded Peter that, yes, he was alive. And though the ringing of school bells would signal the end of this glorious symphony, Peter would keep it alive for himself in snapshots, waiting for the next time his senses would touch the pulsating everything of nature’s crescendo.
 
A

Alucard

Banned
Cyan said:
All right, first criticism: no caveats before your story! If you feel you absolutely must add caveats, do it afterwards, preferably in a separate post. Let your story stand alone!
Click to expand...

I'll keep that in mind for next time. Thanks!
 
P

Puddles

Banned
I hated the prose in Something Wicked This Way Comes, but thankfully you didn't quite take it that far. It was fairly wistful and evocative. I wish it had been developed a little more. It started to go somewhere, and then it ended.
 
A

Alucard

Banned
Puddles said:
I hated the prose in Something Wicked This Way Comes, but thankfully you didn't quite take it that far. It was fairly wistful and evocative. I wish it had been developed a little more. It started to go somewhere, and then it ended.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the criticism. "Wistful" is probably a good way to describe what I was going for, especially with the parting paragraph. I wrote this in about 30-40 minutes, and didn't feel the need to take it further. It was more of a challenge to see if I could capture the feeling of summer, and of a character feeling free in nature's arms.

I've yet to read Something Wicked This Way Comes. I've read four different Bradbury short story collections, including The Illustrated Man, The Toynbee Convector, R is for Rocket, and Dandelion Wine. I've also read Fahrenheit 451 and The Martian Chronicles by him. I guess you could call me a fan. I just enjoy his imagination, and his purity of vision.
 
P

Puddles

Banned
Alucard said:
Thanks for the criticism. "Wistful" is probably a good way to describe what I was going for, especially with the parting paragraph. I wrote this in about 30-40 minutes, and didn't feel the need to take it further. It was more of a challenge to see if I could capture the feeling of summer, and of a character feeling free in nature's arms.
Click to expand...

I'd say you did that. There might have been an opportunity for more description at the beginning of the piece. The "sun’s rays shining through the swaying treetops with gleaming winks" was a great descriptive phrase, but I didn't feel the forest as much as I could have. Others might disagree though.

Regarding Bradbury's prose, I generally like it. I really liked Fahrenheit 451 and The Martian Chronicles. I compared your story to Something Wicked This Way Comes because that novel also starts with two young boys towards the end of summer. The book is generally pretty good, but I felt it was hugely over-written at times.
 
A

Alucard

Banned
Ashes1396 said:
I suppose you've read "A Sound of Thunder". It's in R is for Rocket, I think.
Click to expand...

Yep. Amazing short story. Bradbury's one of the kings of them. Asimov wasn't too bad, either. :)

Puddles, I agree with you that I could have done more to set the scene in the beginning. Maybe add in a few choice adjectives like "lush," "ethereal," "arboreal," "majestic foliage," or something. Heh.
 
A

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
I'm going to hate myself for this:

Secondary Objective: Find a way to integrate the elements (earth, fire, wind, water, and spirit) into your story in a non-preachy, non-"we're children of the earth" way.
 
A

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
Hawkian said:
What is it according to the film "The Fifth Element"?
Click to expand...

Love, baby, love. But everything I write is about love. Seriously. Go back and re-read everything I've written. It's all about love. It's the central theme that anchors everything together in my writing.

Aaron said:
Screaming red-haired chicks.
Click to expand...

The best damned kind.

Fun fact: The Fifth Element is actually my all-time favorite movie EVER. Period. Yup.
 
H

Hawkian

The Cryptarch's Bane
Perhaps a dumb question, but the theme is naught more than the single word to be interpreted in any way, right?
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Still haven't decided exactly what I'm doing for the secondary... except that I want to focus on making better characters. Maybe more relatable characters? More grounded, deeper?

Not sure exactly.

Elfforkusu said:
Hey, what the hell! He's not even a little bit light blue. This is bullshit. I feel misled.
Click to expand...
Yeah, the lens devo was using somehow filtered that out. You can totally see it in person!
 
G

Grakl

Member
Secondary objective for me is Character Depth. My other stories have characters that are unnamed and undeveloped, so I'll go with that.
 
I

Irish

Member
Cyan said:
Character Arc
Goals/Conflict

Tone
Style
Clarity
Showing vs Telling
Language
Setting/Worldbuilding
Click to expand...

These are probably some of the things I need to work on the most. Of course, the thing that has been killing the last year or two has been coming up with anything at all to write about.
 
A

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
I feel like this is going to be another quickly cobbled together Alfarif piece. Oh god, please let it make sense.
 
A

Aaron

Member
I've come up with lots of ideas, but none that fit this topic. So I'll have to catch the next one. Don't have the time anymore to sink into silly nonsense that doesn't have a chance of ending up something decent.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Ok, I've got a secondary. I'm going to sit down this evening and outline what needs to be communicated in each scene in my story (probably already too many for a 2000 word piece... what moron set this limit, anyway?).

Aaron said:
I've come up with lots of ideas, but none that fit this topic. So I'll have to catch the next one. Don't have the time anymore to sink into silly nonsense that doesn't have a chance of ending up something decent.
Click to expand...

:(
 
R

ronito

Member
I am already at a table waiting for her when I see her step out of her car.

She attempts to shield herself from the rain with an arm as she runs in. It does little good. In a few seconds she's sitting in front of me soaked by the rain.

I hand her a cup.

"What's in this?" She says suspiciously halting her hand halfway.

I smirk. A few weeks ago she would've trusted me with her life. Now she asks what I put in her drink.

"Just hot chocolate." I say and she receives the drink.

"What are you drinking?" She asks in between blowing into her cup to ensure she will not get burnt.

"Mocha." I reply.

"So you're drinking coffee now?" She asks in a tone that would make a Jewish mother proud.

"It's mocha, but yes."

She sighs as she sets her cup down. "I've been worried about you and your eternal well being. That's why I wanted to talk to you." She says.

"I figured."

Her name is Joanne. She's a friend I had picked up years ago from school, which meant church. She was a "Molly" meaning, a Mormon's Mormon. The kind that had never drunk anything stronger than a cocoa, never uttered anything more vulgar than "Fetch!” I knew that when I could no longer hide my departure from the church she'd want to have this talk, just like so many others had. A last chance to save the Prodigal son.

She takes a deep breath and I prepare for a conversation where I will talk and explain and not be heard.

"Why are you doing this? How could someone that knows so much about the church turn their back on it?" She asks.

"Joanne, it's because I know so much about the church that I left."

"I know that Joseph Smith and some of the leaders did strange things. But you can't just throw away everything because of some strange things. I mean everyone has doubts. You gotta learn to just push through those."

"After thirty years of pushing that Sisyphean rock I decided it was time to stop."

She looks at me confused. I doubt she knows about Sisyphus.

"I got tired of making excuses."

"What excuses? To your non-Mormon friends and coworkers?"

"No Joanne. I got tired of giving excuses to myself."

My response obviously has taken her by surprise. She carefully blows into her cup again. She brings out her Book of Mormon and begins reading scriptures that I've learned since childhood at me. I simply nod and answer her questions, not putting much effort into it as I know nothing I say will really reach her. She begins to talk about a greater plan and how everything is in God's control while she combs through her wet hair. Again I nod and answer questions. She finishes off with her testimony of the church, the magnet poetry of the Mormon Church. "I know that <x> is true." and "I know with every fiber of my being that <y>". Mormons do this as soon as they're young enough to form sentences. They even make products to teach your kid how to do this properly. I smile politely and thank her for sharing her beliefs with me.

I see pity in her eyes. She's sorry for me. Sorry for my family, my kids. She honestly worries that I will miss out on an eternal life of promised wonders. I know she won&#8217;t see the pity in my eyes. There are so many things in this world she will never know. The full beauty and variety of the human form. The warm kiss of wine after a hard day. Exploring the depths of sexuality. The satisfaction of a properly placed profanity. She will have a half life now in hopes of a full life later. I know. I myself lived that half life for most of my life.

She sighs, stands and makes to leave but thinking better of it she turns around, "How can you believe that this is all just a big accident? That there is no grand plan that everything happens because of some cosmic accident? How can you believe that after having seen what the church can offer you?"

"Because I'd rather accept the hard truth than a comforting lie."

"And that makes you happy?"

"I'll admit it's difficult. I can no longer attribute everything that happens to me to some grand plan. If I'm good it's because I decided to be so. If I'm bad it's my own fault. Yes, it's hard. Learning the church was not true was devastating. And yes, it can be terrifying to look out on a vast universe that is no friend to you. But for better and worse I see it through eyes unclouded and I wouldn't have it any other way."

Joanne shakes her head slowly. "So long as you're sure."

"I'm sure." I say.

We exchange pleasantries and talk about how we should get together for another game night or something. I know it won&#8217;t happen. She'll just be another in a long list of friends I lost when I left the church. She runs out into the rain to her car holding her arm up to the rain as if it would keep her dry. I watch and take a sip of my mocha. Under the smooth chocolate it has a flinty bitterness.
 
A

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
Alfarif said:
I feel like this is going to be another quickly cobbled together Alfarif piece. Oh god, please let it make sense.
Click to expand...

I woke up and hammered out 1,500 words today into my phone this morning based off a dream I had. I have no idea if I hit my secondary (I have water and fire, but I'm having a hard time figuring out where the air, earth, and spirit aspects are going to come from). Either way, LOL at this story I'm writing.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Feels a little bit sad, to have this few entries thus far. I'm at work, but I'll work on something when I get home I guess.
 
P

Puddles

Banned
I'm definitely planning to enter, but as usual, I haven't done any work on it thus far. I got into a nice zone on the novel over the last few days, but I'd rather enter something unrelated in the contest.
 
A

Alfarif

This picture? uhh I can explain really!
Ashes1396 said:
Feels a little bit sad, to have this few entries thus far. I'm at work, but I'll work on something when I get home I guess.
Click to expand...

Mine is on my phone. It requires editing but I'll post it up tomorrow, no doubt. Didn't think I would make it and suddenly BLAM entry finished. I said what.
 
D

Dreamland Boy

Neo Member
If I could I would like to enter this as well. I don't think I'm that good but I enjoy trying to write.

I wasn't sure the best way to post this so I just uploaded my story to Scribd. Here is the link.

It's actually a sci-fi idea in fantasy trappings, and as the optional secondary objective I went with world building.

Hope I did this right.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

Would you guys like to participate in a little community-driven gaming challenge?
15
1K
DelireMan7 replied
NeoGaf Creative Writing Challenge #223 - "Objects in Space"
14
3K
Nezumi replied
NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #220 - "Alive"
2 3
113
9K
FlowersisBritish replied
NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #222 - The horror
2
92
10K
mu cephei replied
NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #217 - "Discovery"
2
87
8K
Cyan replied
Top Bottom