Impressions (so far, haven’t read all of the stories yet):
Ashes1396 - All the luck in the world.: I'm confused about the narrator; once he was introduced in the story as a character, I questioned how he was able to see everything that had happened to the protagonist (before that scene where they got together). I assumed at that point he was a divine being (guardian angel, etc.), but then he gives the protagonist his business card, the protagonist alludes that he's some sort of photographer, and then he concludes with the statement that he never saw the protagonist again (which would probably make him a shitty guardian angel). I'm the type of reader where, if I don't comprehend something so essential to a piece (like narration/POV), then I find it very difficult to properly analyze its other components, if not the piece as a whole. That said, I appreciated the dialogue early on, and there's a definite weight (which is good), like most of your pieces. And like most of your pieces, it could use some proofreading/editing (why do you always insist on posting your stories ASAP Ashes?!?!?). But overall, ignoring the POV conflict, I found it enjoyable to read.
Jedeye Sniv - Two Hours and Seventeen Minutes: Terrific voice with some great observations and concrete details. Really enjoyed the juxtaposition of how the protagonist’s parents reacted to their perception of his homosexuality, when in fact he might not even be gay. There’s not much action at all in the piece (which I suppose fits the introspective narrator), but the movement from topics provides a sort of action in of itself. I felt that the story started to drag after the narrator continually dreamed up scenarios of what kind of jobs he could do were he to stay in the area; I felt that these didn’t speak enough to the internal conflict he’d set up with his family. It felt more like literary playfulness, and not story-building. But this is only a couple of faulty paragraphs out of dozens of strong ones. The ending needs work; I loved how he couldn’t reach out for help from the stranger due to his personality, but the final sentence felt like more of a comma than a period. I would suggest crafting an ending more final, resounding, closed – something that accentuates what you’ve crafted out of this character. Overall though, very strong piece that will probably get a vote.
Tangent - Mind of a Rider: There are some wonderful historical details and action sequences here: fighting a grizzly, bartering with specific Indian tribes, eating the wrong kind of berries for sustenance… yet almost all of this wonderful stuff is buried in summary! Why?! It’s not the biggest issue in the world, but when you introduce so many enticing and interesting scenarios in summary, you sure as hell better best them in your scenes. There are some aspects of this story that gelled with me, and some that didn’t. The voice and dialogue felt a little too clean, given the era. Everyone was so polite and well-spoken in this piece, and while I suppose there were more than a handful of polite people in 1860, did you have to make even the ash-covered factory worker cheerful? Additionally, on page one there are six names introduced within seven sentences (Walter Rubin, William H. Russell, Mickey, Moses, Bertha, Baby Helena). Faaarrrr too many. I had a lot of trouble figuring out who was who and where we were on the first page (especially when Old Rubin was mentioned), which can be a death knell for a short story. As for the story itself, I think there could’ve been some more obstacles, or more specifically negatives in the story before the climax. We practically know something bad is going to happen to Walter, since nothing bad has really happened before then. I felt lost with the climax; I’m not sure how Walter’s sudden claustrophobia spoke to his character, nor his story. Additionally, any sense of irony with the brother’s letter was lost on me as well. I’ll be interested to read other interpretations on this piece, as perhaps I was in too dark a frame of mind to fully appreciate certain aspects (I recently wrote a short fiction western that was heavily influenced by Blood Meridian and The Sisters Brothers, which are both excellent reads that I’d recommend to anyone).
Bootaaay - Resume: A concept that started off wonderful and clear, but then became a bit muddled and didn’t fully form into a story. The initial setting and world-building was set up nicely (I think the protagonist could spend an extra paragraph or two at the beginning outside of the Resume Industries technological paradise… perhaps he could be conflicted with something separate from the interview… a memory?). I also found myself very intrigued with what I first perceived Akerman’s “invention” to be; a virtual avatar of a person created by physical information (i.e. Facebook posts, emails, etc.). I actually stopped reading, sat back, and wondered what my virtual AI representation would be like if it was a culmination of all of my online activity, and how different it would be from the real me. I found this question fascinating. Unfortunately, the whole “virtual reality” aspect became part of the equation (admittedly VR was introduced early through the VR Arcade, but I found myself wishing it wasn’t). Once the protagonist was reliving a VR setting, I found myself losing some interest toward the concept (and I was also confused as to how the setting was perfectly recreated, etc). Then we come to the final paragraph, which is pretty much just the writer (Bootaaay, not the protagonist) typing out his opinion on this hypothetical. In fact, aside from the strong opening scene, the entire story feels more like a hypothetical than a story. There’s next to no conflict between the protagonist and Akerman, almost no tension in any of the scenes. Which is too bad, because there’s some really interesting stuff manifested in this concept. I think it’s a piece with promise, and one I would suggest revisiting. Oh, and if you ever do meet the AI VR version of online me, I swear I’m less of a dick in real life.
Let's see some critiques, people. Critiques are the lifeblood of workshopping, and they WILL make your own work better too!
