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JzeroT1437
(05-17-2007, 06:00 PM)
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This is where we post ridiculous, hilariously bad pieces of writing we've found online or elsewhere. I'll start:

http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstu...sons.ytmnd.com

http://boards.ign.com/Message.aspx?t...tart=140699238
Giard
Member
(05-17-2007, 06:27 PM)
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http://darcula.ytmnd.com/
Duck of Death
Member
(05-17-2007, 07:25 PM)

Originally Posted by Giard

http://darcula.ytmnd.com/

His son was dead of the skick :lol
7Th
Harunobu Madarame
is my hero
(05-17-2007, 07:32 PM)
In b4 the erotic X-Files fanfiction or Angel of a Wing role playing.
heavy liquid
Member
(05-17-2007, 07:47 PM)
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I work for a property management company that owns a bunch of apartments and mobile home communities. Some of the resident complaints go through me, and I usually save the best for those days that I need to cheer myself up. I need to scan these in the computer (the handwriting needs to be appreciated in many of these). In the meantime, here's one of my favorites from a few years ago (I've removed names and addresses):

Complayment

Reasoning; You Discriminationated my account, did you know what you were doing.

I gave the company 60 days ahead that i was leaving that apartment because of all the water was going in it and i was really sick from that apartments, we called many times and no one came to check out what was wrong with the apartment, so we had to leave the apartment and rather live into a apartment without a broken wall and the cielling in the basement was filled of all that crap.

Second of all they didn't need to pay anything to the [edited - name of apt.]. They put to much bill looks like difference much other from other. you and teh company discriminated my account and the [edited - name of apt.]. yoiu made me pay with pressure and others you got in my nerves and broke my life, didn't leave me alone from all this.

Please you need something to have a judgement. please don't any more pressure in my account. If you don't whach out then i will tell the white house and ask what kind of pressure you made to us. I have the prove to show you.

Yours Truly
[name and address]

maynerd
Banned
(05-17-2007, 08:15 PM)

Originally Posted by heavy liquid

I work for a property management company that owns a bunch of apartments and mobile home communities. Some of the resident complaints go through me, and I usually save the best for those days that I need to cheer myself up. I need to scan these in the computer (the handwriting needs to be appreciated in many of these). In the meantime, here's one of my favorites from a few years ago (I've removed names and addresses):

I don't even know what that letter is saying. :lol
retardboy
Member
(05-17-2007, 08:34 PM)
http://www.thepedestalmagazine.com/S....asp?cbid=3836

Some letters my English professor wrote to presidents. He had hundreds of them that he actually really mailed. It was pretty hilarious. That guy was a comic genius. Everything he wrote/say was gold.
LakeEarth
Member
(05-17-2007, 08:37 PM)
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Originally Posted by retardboy

http://www.thepedestalmagazine.com/S....asp?cbid=3836

Some letters my English professor wrote to presidents. He had hundreds of them that he actually really mailed. It was pretty hilarious. That guy was a comic genius. Everything he wrote/say was gold.

"Dear President Bush:

Can you please tell me what the **** kind of animals are the Animaniacs? Are they cats
or are they dogs? They look kinda like cats but they’ve got the ears of dogs. No self-respecting cat ever had ears like that. But they don’t have whiskers either. What’s going on here? Can someone in your office please explain this?
Sincerely yours,
Robert Guffey"

"Just yesterday I walked into a 7-11 and bought some mixed nuts. As I left the store I studied the label more closely and saw that it said MIXED LONE NUTS. It had pictures of Lee Harvey Oswald, James Earl Ray, Sirhan Sirhan, David Hinkley, Mark David Chapman, and Ted Kacznski on the label. I peeled back the lid and found a bunch of magic bullets inside. I planted them and they grew into a beanstalk. I climbed up to the top and found myself in Heaven with the aforementioned Mr. Oswald. He told me there was no conspiracy in the JFK assassination and that he alone had killed the 35th President of the United States and to stop rocking the boat, please, I was just gonna end up getting everyone in a lot of trouble, and then he pushed me off the cloud and I fell and fell and eventually woke up in my own bed. Groggily, I turned over and saw your wife Laura lying next to me! Then I woke up again in a cold sweat, thankfully without anyone lying next to me this time because I had somehow wet myself in the middle of the night, which was surprising because I’d long outgrown that habit weeks before. I stuffed the sheets in the hamper and told my dad (who usually does the laundry) that the cat had pissed in the bed. “Probably has something to do with that damn squeaky toy," he said and walked away mumbling to himself about “the friggin’ Mexicans breeding like rabbits." Whew! Like usual, I’d used my brains to get out of a sticky situation. "

:lol
heavy liquid
Member
(05-17-2007, 08:41 PM)
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Originally Posted by retardboy

http://www.thepedestalmagazine.com/S....asp?cbid=3836

Some letters my English professor wrote to presidents. He had hundreds of them that he actually really mailed. It was pretty hilarious. That guy was a comic genius. Everything he wrote/say was gold.

Originally Posted by Robert Guffey


March 28, 2002
Laura Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
Washington, D.C.

Dear Laura:

I’m tired of writing to your husband. Ah, Laura, some women have figures like an hour glass, but you my dear, you have the figure of a water bottle. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Ah, Laura, imagine us locked in a passionate embrace, our reading glasses clashing like armies in the night. Imagine it: our pale white, flabby bodies flopping about spasmodically like beached whales. You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to tell you this, but you have the most beautiful rib cage I’ve ever seen. And your corneas are so ripe for harvesting. I’m sure a woman like you gets told this all the time, but have you ever thought about joining the white slave trade? So how about it, would you like to make dissonant, awful music together?
No?
Oh, so I’m not good enough for you, eh? This is the thanks I get. I raised you from a tadpole swimming about in a murky pond since you were a wee tot, since you were a tiny one-celled organism. Why, I raised you from a test tube now that I think about it. And this is the thanks I get! I dedicated the best years of my life to you. I waited on you hand and foot, served you breakfast in the morning, cleaned your socks, scrubbed your armpits, buried the excess bodies, plucked the fluffy white lint out of your cavernous belly button. Don’t you remember when I used to vacuum your beautiful belly button? Oh, you used to love it so. And now look what you do. You turn your shapeless back on me, which can be quite dangerous now that I think about it, considering the damage your back has caused men and plant life in the past.
No, forget it, I don’t want your apology. You had your chance. Good-bye.
Sincerely yours,
Robert Guffey

:lol :lol
snacknuts
we all knew her
(05-17-2007, 09:19 PM)
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A friend of mine worked for awhile as the head of collections for a trucking school. He got this letter one day from a husband and wife team who wanted to attend. If you look carefully, you will note that this letter was written on top of a letter he received from another school and covered entirely in Wite-Out. Also, the area of the second page above the line is where he started writing a different letter to another company. I have no idea what is going on with the ever-increasing indentation.





I find this to be equal parts funny and sad.
jooey
The Motorcycle That Wouldn't Slow Down
(05-17-2007, 09:46 PM)
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Originally Posted by zesty

A friend of mine worked for awhile as the head of collections for a trucking school. He got this letter one day from a husband and wife team who wanted to attend. If you look carefully, you will note that this letter was written on top of a letter he received from another school and covered entirely in Wite-Out. Also, the area of the second page above the line is where he started writing a different letter to another company. I have no idea what is going on with the ever-increasing indentation.

I find this to be equal parts funny and sad.

http://download.lardlad.com/sounds/season3/lover12.mp3
heavy liquid
Member
(05-17-2007, 09:58 PM)
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Originally Posted by zesty

A friend of mine worked for awhile as the head of collections for a trucking school. He got this letter one day from a husband and wife team who wanted to attend. If you look carefully, you will note that this letter was written on top of a letter he received from another school and covered entirely in Wite-Out. Also, the area of the second page above the line is where he started writing a different letter to another company. I have no idea what is going on with the ever-increasing indentation.


I find this to be equal parts funny and sad.

Wow... Yeah, that's the kind of stuff I see every now and then, too. Although I don't know if I've seen any letters quite as bad as that. Yet. I find that to be more sad than funny. :(
Tralfamadore64
Banned
(05-17-2007, 10:00 PM)
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Give me liver tea or give death.

Post it.
vas_a_morir
Banned
(05-17-2007, 10:11 PM)
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Originally Posted by Tralfamadore64

Give me liver tea or give death.

Post it.

OMG... I think "Dilbert's Decision" needs to make an appearance in this thread. Are you hold the bag tightly?
Tralfamadore64
Banned
(05-17-2007, 10:20 PM)
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I agree. A lot of things need to be posted, but he won't do it! Garrr.
vas_a_morir
Banned
(05-17-2007, 10:22 PM)
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Originally Posted by Tralfamadore64

I agree. A lot of things need to be posted, but he won't do it! Garrr.

I know somebody we know has to have the writings.
JzeroT1437
(05-17-2007, 11:25 PM)
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The compilation transcription was completed today, so you'll all have Dilbert's Saviour very soon. Also, here's Liver Tea.

Tralfamadore64
Banned
(05-17-2007, 11:34 PM)
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It's done!??!??!! I ****ing love you, mang.
winfredsmoney
Member
(05-18-2007, 12:32 AM)
Check this out www.opinion101.com funny stuff everywhere.
JzeroT1437
(05-18-2007, 05:30 AM)
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Anybody got more? Just trying to get as much together as possible.
Yoboman
Banned
(05-18-2007, 05:37 AM)

"HOW ARE YOU FLYING" screams the KNuckles. "I am super Sonic!" screamed Sonic back.

:lol
JDSN
Banned
(05-18-2007, 05:43 AM)
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http://sonicandtheknucklespart2read.ytmnd.com

:lol :lol


"You are a very sad pathetic basterd"
Yoboman
Banned
(05-18-2007, 05:55 AM)
I had to go back to that thread

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthre...=robert+falcon

:lol Amazing
Night_Trekker
Member
(05-18-2007, 06:20 AM)
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Originally Posted by zesty

A friend of mine worked for awhile as the head of collections for a trucking school. He got this letter one day from a husband and wife team who wanted to attend. If you look carefully, you will note that this letter was written on top of a letter he received from another school and covered entirely in Wite-Out. Also, the area of the second page above the line is where he started writing a different letter to another company. I have no idea what is going on with the ever-increasing indentation.

I can't bring myself to laugh at that :(

Okay, I chuckled once or twice.
ronito
Banned
(05-18-2007, 06:30 AM)
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Originally Posted by Giard

http://darcula.ytmnd.com/

:lol :lol :lol
temp
posting on contract only
(05-18-2007, 06:34 AM)
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Some essay I had to review in my English 201 class. Made a crappy thread about it.



Videogames have come a long way. The main video gaming age started in the eighties with the introduction of “Pac-man,” in which a yellow blob would eat tiny dots and monsters moving around the screen. It’s the ancestor for the coming of the videogame age. In 1992 “Mortal Kombat” was released. In this game two characters would fight each other in a battle and the winner would finish off the loser with a special fatality move. This game became a sudden hit. Two movies were released based on that game. Why did this game become a huge hit? It gave a new meaning to videogames. Everything in this game seemed like a youth’s dream of an ultimate hero. The interaction between the player and the characters in this game was nothing like any other game had before. It created a videogame society.
I don't even know why you'd choose to write about video games when you don't even know anything about video games.

Parent’s involvement is necessary. Their kids world might seem a little beyond their reach if they don’t stay along with them. A typical feeling from parents towards videogames goes something like this “Creatures Crawl in Search of Blood. To Terrorize Y'awl's Neighborhood.” (Jackson, Thriller) To parent’s videogames are these creatures that are looking to suck blood from their innocent children, destroy their lives and that they are bad influence.

This is the age of videogames. Videogame is multi-billion dollar industry. In 2003 two families sued the makers of the game Grand Theft Auto III, a very popular videogame, for 200 million dollars. Reason being two teens brothers shot and killed one person while wounding the other, while they were driving by. They confessed for the crime and said they just imitated a scene from the game Grand Theft Auto III. (Calvert). The problem here is not the game but it’s these couple of idiots. They could not think what happens if they shoot someone.

DCharlie
Always bet on white
(05-18-2007, 08:12 AM)
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i got a classic Engrish mail out from my Gym - it was sexual inuendo city, with some unfortunate mistakes...

Several JGaffers can vouch for this as i showed them this last night

the following phrases are in the mail out (which is about renovation at the gym) :

"Accordingly, we have extraordinary opening on Monday in June"
"Replacement of the tails..."
"..., a woody portion in the sauna etc..."
"Rocker rooms"
"Replacement of pipe arrangement"
"if you have any question, please ask to our stuffers"
"Thank you for your corporation"

nice.
vas_a_morir
Banned
(05-18-2007, 09:06 AM)
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Originally Posted by Cyan

http://doomfanfic.ytmnd.com/

"I want to be on the ships Daddy!"
Dad said "No! You will be KILL BY DEMONS!"

The ending is the best part:
"No John... you ARE the demons."

:lol Most definitely.
JzeroT1437
(05-20-2007, 06:43 AM)
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stuff looks good. keep it up.
Insane Metal
Dispensed Internet Salt
(08-02-2007, 12:17 AM)
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Originally Posted by Giard

http://darcula.ytmnd.com/

WTF is that shit??? :lol
PhoenixDark
Banned
(08-02-2007, 12:20 AM)
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Dan
No longer boycotting the Wolfenstein franchise
(08-02-2007, 12:36 AM)
At age ten the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest. Groups of men paid to watch.

- - Lewis "Scooter" Libby (The Apprentice)
Lelielle
Member
(08-02-2007, 12:43 AM)
Famous short story that circulated sci fi and other conventions....:lol

"The Eye of Argon" was published in 1970 in OSFAN, the journal of the Ozark SF Society, issue number 10. Photocopies -- invariably with the last page missing -- circulated for decades, and it became a regular sf convention challenge to read Jim Theis's mangled prose with a straight face. This HTML document is based on the standard ASCII text of the story, widely available on line. In the January 2005 issue of The New York Review of Science Fiction it was revealed that a complete copy of OSFAN #10 had been unearthed in the Jack Williamson SF Library at Eastern New Mexico University. Thanks to the collection administrator Gene Bundy, the missing half-page of text appeared at last in NYRSF #198, February 2005, and has been inserted below.

Jim Theis himself, who was 16 when "The Eye of Argon" first appeared, reportedly died circa 2001 at age 48. He will be long remembered in sf fandom.

http://www.dcs.gla.ac.uk/SF-Archives/Misc/eyeargon.html
vas_a_morir
Banned
(08-02-2007, 12:46 AM)
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I forgot how awesome this thread is.
Dan
No longer boycotting the Wolfenstein franchise
(08-02-2007, 12:51 AM)
WTF, this is thread is old?
widgetraf
Member
(08-02-2007, 01:10 AM)
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Originally Posted by PhoenixDark

I use mace to blind both of them. CLASSIC.:lol
White Man
Member
(08-02-2007, 01:24 AM)
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Here's another one for you, PDiddy

Frenck
Banned
(08-02-2007, 01:33 AM)

Originally Posted by widgetraf

I use mace to blind both of them. CLASSIC.:lol

Mace is a kind of pepper spray.
Brobzoid
how do I slip unnoticed out of a gloryhole booth?
(08-02-2007, 01:49 AM)
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Originally Posted by Frenck

Mace is a kind of pepper spray.

It's still classic as far as I'm concerned. >:(
Traumahound
Member
(08-02-2007, 01:54 AM)
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Originally Posted by PhoenixDark

americanpsycho.jpg


Hey, I actually enjoyed American Psycho.
Junpei Heat
Junior Member
(08-02-2007, 01:57 AM)
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Originally Posted by PhoenixDark

I must buy this book.
God's Vessel
Banned
(08-02-2007, 02:08 AM)
An extract from my own story I probably wrote in yr 3. It's about a swimming race: "I pushed so hard I almost poohed myself" ... I don't know, but I found it funny.
perryfarrell
Member
(08-02-2007, 02:22 AM)
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"The move from a structuralist account in which capital is understood to structure social relations in relatively homologous ways to a view of hegemony in which power relations are subject to repetition, convergence, and rearticulation brought the question of temporality into the thinking of structure, and marked a shift from a form of Althusserian theory that takes structural totalities as theoretical objects to one in which the insights into the contingent possibility of structure inaugurate a renewed conception of hegemony as bound up with the contingent sites and strategies of the rearticulation of power."

- Judith Butler, professor of rhetoric and comparative literature, University of California 1997
Jon_Danger
Member
(08-02-2007, 02:47 AM)
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I win the thread

I found this on a computer at work one day (I work at a college with public access computers)

4 words

Guns N Roses Fanfic

do you want me to post it? It is extremely graphic, I don't want to get banned for posting some really nasty crap
salva
Banned
(08-02-2007, 03:23 AM)
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Originally Posted by Jon_Danger

I win the thread

I found this on a computer at work one day (I work at a college with public access computers)

4 words

Guns N Roses Fanfic

do you want me to post it? It is extremely graphic, I don't want to get banned for posting some really nasty crap

PM

me

it
p01ar
GameTrailers
(08-02-2007, 03:24 AM)

Originally Posted by retardboy

http://www.thepedestalmagazine.com/S....asp?cbid=3836

Some letters my English professor wrote to presidents. He had hundreds of them that he actually really mailed. It was pretty hilarious. That guy was a comic genius. Everything he wrote/say was gold.

Was he a teacher at one of the Torrance, Ca schools?
vumpler
If You Can't Beat 'Em, Talk Shit About 'Em
(08-02-2007, 03:27 AM)
This thread has potential to be the best EVAR! :D

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