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Cracked.com's : The 7 Commandments All Video Games Should Obey

Guled

Member
whats up with #1, sure better graphics don't = innovation, but having better hardware is not a bad thing. You can also innovate on ps3/360.
 

RevenantKioku

PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS oh god i am drowning in them
Guled said:
whats up with #1, sure better graphics don't = innovation, but having better hardware is not a bad thing. You can also innovate on ps3/360.
But the point is that far too often graphics are put at the forefront when it's gameplay that really should be.
 

Aegus

Member
BrokenSymmetry said:
Halo CE starts you off with the pistol, the most powerful weapon in the whole game.

And Bioshock starts you off with the wrench. The most effective weapon in the game. :lol
 

Pojo

Banned
My rules?

Must be 60 FPS in all modes.

Must not have bullshit controls.

If they had one studio that started out with these simple rules as a guideline, I would forever love them. Nintendo comes the closest, most of the time.
 

Rad Agast

Member
Why so serious?

No really, it's David Wong. He makes some great points in a funny way all the time. Just google "Pointless Waste of Time" to see what I mean.

You guys might want to check the Dr. Oxford movie reviews while you're at it.
 

Guled

Member
RevenantKioku said:
But the point is that far too often graphics are put at the forefront when it's gameplay that really should be.
Not really, sure some crappy titles do, but they are not the majority. Most games that have good graphics also have good game play. There are more crappy games with bad graphics then good graphics
 
That FFX clip is golden. I remember feeling embarassed when I wanted to show how "awesome" the game was to people and that fucking scene came on.

AHA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA

IT WAS YOUR IDEA LOLOLOL
 
Wii Sports
Wii Play
Guitar Hero III
Super Mario Galaxy
Madden NFL 08
Guitar Hero II
Mario Party 8

Where's Halo 3? Not only did it allow local co-op, it allowed local co-op online, sure that's where all game should be heading and they left it off of the list? I mean the vast majority of games mentioned are nintendo titles, which are most offline focused due to their inability to get online right.
 

RevenantKioku

PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS PEINS oh god i am drowning in them
Spirit of Jazz said:
Where's Halo 3? Not only did it allow local co-op, it allowed local co-op online, sure that's where all game should be heading and they left it off of the list? I mean the vast majority of games mentioned are nintendo titles, which are most offline focused due to their inability to get online right.
Limiting it to 2 player was dogshit.
 

pj

Banned
How hard would it be to randomize facial features and skin tones? That's what we want, to feel like we're killing hundreds of different people. Not a bunch of clones or twins. We want to know, deep down, that there are hundreds of grieving mothers out there, lamenting the terror of our dreaded blade.

Funny that they show a picture of n3 for that, because n3 actually has randomized enemies..
 

bard

Member
funkmastergeneral said:
So true...

consolesales2.jpg
And they laughed at me when I got a DS instead of a PSP that November...
 
RevenantKioku said:
Limiting it to 2 player was dogshit.

What? Are you on about co-op? I'm pretty sure technical limitations would of been the problem there. Even then blatantly it was competitive the staple I was bringing up given it does it better than any other title out there, needless to say I can't help but feel the person who typed the article was sucking some major Nintendo wang.
 

Shawn128

Member
DEVELOPERS, PLEASE FOLLOW THESE SEVEN COMMANDMENTS!

Thou shalt make sure your game actually works.

We're ashamed to even have to include this. This is like having to ask McDonald's to cook the burger before they serve it to you, or having to remind your dentist not to videotape himself slapping you in the face with his penis while you're under. It's the sort of thing you'd feel ridiculous saying.

:lol :lol :lol
 

Haunted

Member
What the fuck is happening? An article I can totally agree with on the very first page? My God.

Thou shalt let us play your game with real-life friends.


Violators:
Grand Theft Auto IV, MotorStorm, Shadowrun, etc.

Quick, tell us what the following games all have in common. We'll give you a hint, one thing is that they were all among the top 10 most popular games of 2007:

Wii Sports
Wii Play
Guitar Hero III
Super Mario Galaxy
Madden NFL 08
Guitar Hero II
Mario Party 8

But what else? If you answered, "None of them contain male frontal nudity" then, well, you haven't gotten the 122nd star in Mario Galaxy. If you said that these games all have multiplayer that's intended to be played with friends in the same room, you're right.

Likewise, what's at the top of sales in 2008? Smash Bros. Brawl.

[Brawl pic]

The advantage that consoles have over, say, PCs, is that you can play from your comfy sofa. The reason the sofa is considered the pinnacle of furniture technology is because there's room for other people on it.

Yet, here's Grand Theft Auto IV, boasting about its robust multiplayer, and if you think "multiplayer" means inviting the gang over to play, get drunk, laugh and high-five each other until the break of dawn, too bad. You can't do that. Want to play with friends, they must be kept at arm's length, faceless at the other end of a broadband connection. Grand Theft Auto IV multiplayer is a world without hugs.

They'll say that GTA IV's vast open world makes split-screen impossible. OK, what about MotorStorm? It's a goddamned racing game, and they won't let you play a real-life friend on a split screen. A racing game.

Sorry, you know damned well that technical limitations aren't the reason everyone is dropping split screen. Every previous generation had it, in times with much less powerful systems and few widescreen TVs.

[Goldeneye 007 '64 Pic]
This system had 4 MB of RAM.

You're dropping it because four players on a split screen are playing off one $60 copy of the game. Four players playing online need four copies ($240).

And these are the same people who're baffled about how the Nintendo Wii was able to depants the whole industry with its cheap, underpowered little machine. Hey, maybe it's because they're the one company that still seems to realize humans need interaction with other humans. Real interaction, not trash talking over a headset behind fake names.

By the way, some of you are scratching your heads about having the obviously single-player Mario Galaxy up there on the list. Well, it turns out Nintendo included an option so that at any moment, a friend can pick up the second controller and, with the pointer, help the first player collect items and shoot at enemies. It's a small thing, but it means a guy can get his girlfriend in on the action and cut off her complaints that his gaming is taking away from his time with her.

[Wiimen Pic]
Above: women

So when she comes over, do you think he's going to put on his GTA IV headset, or pop in Mario Galaxy? Here's a hint: The second choice gets him closer to touching boob.
YES YES YES
 
#2 is spot-on. Enough with releasing unfinished sluggish products with infinite load times.

This is why PC gaming has gone the way it has. Developers like shooting themselves in the foot, then blame whatever else, like piracy.
 

Bizzyb

Banned
Well, some things he got wrong.

In RE: Umbrella Chronicles you CAN shoot off Zombie heads, and they DO react to specific hits on their body
 
Not the greatest list, I definitely disagree with more than I agree... some of the points are good, though.

#7 - No, not always needed.

#6 - Sure, tedious fetch quests are annoying. But length isn't always bad. If you like the gameplay, you often don't mind more of it... though I would agree that spending more time and making that content good content instead of just filler is a good idea.

#5 - Agreed, checkpoints are stupid. All games should have save anywhere. I disagree with the concept that repetition is always bad, though. It can be very frustrating, but is it really bad that, for instance, in most Gradius games if you mess up and die it's easier to finish the game by starting over than by continuing? No, not really. That's how it should be in games like that... save-anywhere does make games like that an exercise in "how often can you load", but even so... the real issue with a shmup saving system is how to reconcile the fact that score matters in these games with the fact that saving is good. A suspend save that deletes when you load it is clearly good. A level select that lets you start from any level after you reach it (with a reset score) is also clearly good. Save anywhere? Very abusable... but still, not necessarily a bad thing. Save anywhere is always good... you just need to use it properly.

#4 - Minor point, not really important. Of course more realism here would be interesting, but the videogame conventions in this category are pretty harmless overall.

#3 - Not really. Conventions can sometimes be bad, but not always. These aren't exactly the best examples... Escort missions are usually annoying because of poor design, not poor concept. Sometimes they can be good. First-person jumping puzzles are annoying, but that problem is easily solved by giving you a third-person camera (see Dark Forces II: Jedi Knight). CPU squad-mates? Why not? And space marines... yes, they're overdone. Oh well.

#2 - Bugs are bad, agreed. This is why patches are a good thing. But I'm a longtime PC gamer, so patching issues really don't bother me at all...

#1 - Of course.
 

Oblivion

Fetishing muscular manly men in skintight hosery
The thing I agree with him most is about saving. There's no goddamn reason why any games nowadays (especially adventure games) shouldn't have the ability to let you save whenever the hell you want.
 

Nick Bean

Banned
I think that alot of it makes good sense, but I think that the 'padding' games thing is a little off base. Oblivion was enjoyable for me all 120 hours I put into it.

I think that the biggest thing they missed in the article is that developers should stop treating console gamers like idiots. I think that anyone who watched the way Rainbow Six has changed since it has become bigger on consoles and more mainstream should understand what i'm talking about. In a time when developers have more power to work with and technology to push their games, most of the 'big' titles have become more linear and give players less options.
 
BigBoss said:
The wrench was the best weapon in Bioshock.

My second time through on Normal I used every tonic that I could find and pretty much played the entire game with only my wrench. Used guns for Big Daddy's of course, but the rest was almost all wrench.
 
Terrible list. I didn't know people got paid for re-typing NeoGAF threads. Hell a lot of the complaints were more "I suck at games". Anyone complaining about Dead Rising's save system should go to hell.
 

soldat7

Member
lockii said:
This is such a bread and butter staple of first-person shooter games, without it, it would be like having a horror movie without creepy music. Some things work very well for very good reasons.

The crowbar/wrench and the need to constantly use the crowbar/wrench is simply uninteresting. Give me a gun or a battle axe, not a crowbar. Lame.
 

Tain

Member
Save anywhere? Very abusable... but still, not necessarily a bad thing. Save anywhere is always good... you just need to use it properly.

I can't get behind this, and it's my biggest problem with the "no checkpoints" stance. I don't want the burden to be on me.

Include suspend saves if you have to, just don't give me total control of everything. Having to pace out reasonable save points is not what I'd consider an enjoyable part of a game.
 
Holy Shit! A list a agree with completely, especially #7.

If you're game has online multiplayer, and i can't play the game with friends in the same room then FUCK YOU!
 

CTLance

Member
Holy shit. Awesome list. I love the writing style. I agree with the points. How can this be?

Sure, it's a bit exaggerated, but all in all very sensible. <3
 

fernoca

Member
Completely agree..
But then, when I (and others) say the same stuff around here..people start using the whole Nitnendo crybaby card..so ..pfft.. :p
 
CTLance said:
Holy shit. Awesome list. I love the writing style. I agree with the points. How can this be?

Sure, it's a bit exaggerated, but all in all very sensible. <3

Of course it's exaggerated, it's a HUMOR ARTICLE! Why are people so insistent on analyzing it? You've already missed the point.

Damn.
 
Why do people keep saying that Gears of War has "space marines" in it? Last time I checked they never left their home planet. Same with Haze. Or does having armor on automatically make you a "space marine".

People keep bitching about it, but they really aren't that prevalent.
 
Tain said:
I can't get behind this, and it's my biggest problem with the "no checkpoints" stance. I don't want the burden to be on me.

Include suspend saves if you have to, just don't give me total control of everything. Having to pace out reasonable save points is not what I'd consider an enjoyable part of a game.

We just don't agree at all, essentially. :)

While I do ultimately think that save anywhere benefits any game, it is true that in some genres it fits more perfectly than it does others. This is reflected in the histories of save systems in various genres.

Games that make hard saves in between levels are also decent, though. Save anywhere is generally better, but if you get a permanent save at the end of every level completed, things often work out decently. For some reason, though, I make a differentiation between that and save systems that use checkpoints... maybe I shouldn't, and should think of reaching each next checkpoint as "reaching the next level" (and indeed, that is often the case)... the two certainly should be considered very similarly. Still, they do have some differences, if mostly in feel.

The games with the most obvious problems with save anywhere are, as I said, arcade-style games where score counts and save anywhere would make it easy to abuse the game and get an artificially high score. This is why I said that suspend and level select are perhaps best for such games. However, it is true that with emulation, you get save anywhere, and this has not stopped people from having score competitions with specified rules that just leave it up to each person to not cheat. People usually follow such rules, as far as I've seen... I'm sure some cheat, but really, they're only hurting themselves. And the benefit, of being able to actually finish games which were made to be ridiculously hard, is a good one.

For other types of games, though, any potential benefits of not having save anywhere quickly fall away. There are some types of games that, even on PCs, traditionally had (or have) saving that only takes place between missions or levels (autosaves, generally) instead of having save anywhere. These genres include space sims, mech sims, 2d and 3d platformers (for the most part), and few others, though scattered sports, FPS, RPG, or strategy games also would have limited save systems.

Space mech sims -- for some reason, PC mech and space sims traditionally included auto-saving between missions but did not allow you to save during missions. This save system works reasonably well. It is true that if you messed up, you had to start over... but these games were usually simulations, so realism and the idea that the player should be punished for failure put save systems like that in place. I never minded these; sure, some missions are hard, but once you complete the mission, you know it will save. It works reasonably well. Missions need to be balanced for this, of course, but in most such games they were. Because of the freedom you are given in many such games, something like a "checkpoint" wouldn't work here, usually; and even if it would, it would impact realism. Save anytime could work, but would not be implemented because of how much easier it would make the games. That's okay... not everything has to be easy.

Platformers, both 2d and 3d, also usually used save-between-missions, not save-anywhere, even on the PC. Platformers which didn't allow you to save were somewhat rare on the PC by the late '80s, quite different from (and much better than) the situation on consoles at that time. But like space and mech sims, games in this genre have clear levels to finish, so such a breakdown works. Levels are also usually not particularly long. I can only think of a few PC platformers with true save anywhere... but in them, it does help (for instance, Claw or Realms of Chaos). But generally, being able to save anytime between levels works well in this genre.

For sports games, I think there is absolutely no excuse for all sports games not to have save anywhere. The first sports game I loved was Hardball III, a PC baseball game from 1992. It had save anywhere, so you could save a game in progress. It was a great feature, but it was one I took for granted in the genre... until I played some console baseball games and learned the horror of "you can only save between games". (Note that Hardball III, '94, and '95 for the Sega Genesis DO have save anywhere! It can be done on consoles too!)

Some early FPSes also only allowed you to save between missions (Dark Forces, for instance), but as missions got longer and longer, in-mission saving quickly became an obvious necessity. It did the genre nothing but good -- Dark Forces was very frustrating because of how one mistake would make you restart the entire mission over from the start. In this genre, save anywhere is always good. I understand that save anywhere in an FPS can reduce it to an exercise in "quicksave, get past challenge, quicksave", but even so, the sheer frustration and annoyance of savepoint locations outweighs this.

I guess, then, that that is my real point: It depends on where your save points are placed, how common they are, and how easy they are to use. There are games with checkpoint-based (not end of level based, but checkpoint based) saving where I didn't mind it much, such as Oni or Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance. Well, the long save times for BGDA were annoying, but save points were frequent, so it was never a big hassle. But in games where the checkpoints are far too far apart, or there are no checkpoints (or saving) in dungeons so that if you mess up there is absolutely no safety net... well, that's just annoying. For examples of how NOT to do save systems, again see Secret of Mana (I'll get into this soon).

But this gets into the related discussion of how much people should be punished for being killed in games... as this post makes clear, I'm not entirely certain of what I think on that matter. :) I do think that save anywhere works with that philosophy, though. If you want to make it easier and save more so you are punished less for dying (like, say, Zelda: WW or TP), you can. But if you want to save less and make it harder so you are punished more for dying (like any Zelda up to and including OoT), you can do that too. It's up to you... it's not so much the lenient save system as it is the fact that it is forced on you that I really have a problem with with saving in a WW or TP. In games like that, I want to choose for myself when to save...

But either way, it is possible to show how save anywhere IS better. For instance, look at the Mana series. The first game in the series, Final Fantasy Adventure, had save anywhere. It was true save anywhere, and you could save to either save slot at any time, even during boss battles, and it saved your exact location and status, as well as the enemies'. It worked fantastically well. FFA has by far the best save system in the Mana series. Secret of Mana uses save points, and limits them ridiculously by only putting them in towns. You can warp back to town with the rope item, but that item doesn't work in boss fights, so if you reach a boss at too low a level you're doomed and can do nothing but lose a lot of progress. I don't think the fact that FFA let you save anywhere hurt the game in any way, even though it did let you get permanently stuck (if you get into certain parts of certain dungeons without enough keys or mattocks to get out). Perhaps that would annoy some, but if you use common sense it works fine, and being able to save anytime was one thing that helped make the game great. It's unfortunate that aside from handheld RPGs which often have suspend saves and very rare cases like FFA, console RPGs and action-RPGs almost never let you save anytime.

PC RPGs also have save anywhere, though some of them (the Infinity Engine (Baldur's Gate, etc) don't let you save during combat. It certainly doesn't affect the games or make them easy. Console RPGs or action-RPGs very rarely have that kind of save system, though the Lunar series games all have save anywhere in the overworld but don't let you save in battle. Of course there were also PC RPGs with more limited save systems, like many MMOs, Diablo, etc, but those at least always save your character's state when you quit, even if they do not save your location.

PC graphic adventure games always had save anywhere. Consoles got their hands on them (Resident Evil, Silent Hill, etc) and what happened? Savepoints! Blah. Not good. It doesn't help them.
 

CTLance

Member
Canadian Maniac said:
Of course it's exaggerated, it's a HUMOR ARTICLE! Why are people so insistent on analyzing it? You've already missed the point.
Well, no pony for me then.

But whatever.

There's a certain ironing in you overanalysing my rather innocent comment.

I didn't intend for my last sentence to be misunderstood as analysis. Now I know I should've written "I see what they did there" and saved us both the trouble, eh? :)
 

Teddman

Member
Having to replay levels due to limited save points.

This is a throwback to the arcade/NES days when physical limitations in the system wouldn't allow you to save your progress just anywhere. There is no reason for this now. None. We're busy. We've got work, appointments, phone calls. We shouldn't tolerate an inability to save our progress in any piece of software.
Yep. GTA IV still won't let you save anywhere. No excuses these days unless you have a great checkpoint system (RE4).
 

MattKeil

BIGTIME TV MOGUL #2
Teddman said:
Yep. GTA IV still won't let you save anywhere. No excuses these days unless you have a great checkpoint system (RE4).

Oh come on, how little challenge do you people want? GTA's save system is fine. So is Dead Rising's. The quicksave whiners are so ridiculous that I can't believe they even have the balls to whine so loudly. :lol

That said, it's distressing how so many developers don't seem to grasp the idea of checkpoints. I was just (sadly) playing Iron Man a while ago and I can't believe that if I die at the end of a 30 minute level I have to go back and do the whole thing again. Start me at the last objective before I died, you twits.
 
I liked this article. I agree with most of it and I think it's pretty funny.

Yes, some of you are pointing out that these are things we've been complaining about for years now. Some of the things that everyone hates have been around for ages and everybody knows what these things are.

The funny thing is, WHY do some of these KEEP HAPPENING!??!


REAL gaming journalism, which barely exists, would go to one of these developers and say "you know, everybody fucking hates escort missions, this has been known for some time, and yet your game, released this year, features two of them. Care to explain that to our readers?"
 

Teddman

Member
MattKeil said:
Oh come on, how little challenge do you people want? GTA's save system is fine. So is Dead Rising's. The quicksave whiners are so ridiculous that I can't believe they even have the balls to whine so loudly. :lol
Challenge should not come from disabling a standard game feature. It's about the time-consuming nature of driving across town to restart and repeat a mission objective over and over. I think this article puts it well:
CRACKED said:
Having to replay levels due to limited save points.

This is a throwback to the arcade/NES days when physical limitations in the system wouldn't allow you to save your progress just anywhere. There is no reason for this now. None. We're busy. We've got work, appointments, phone calls. We shouldn't tolerate an inability to save our progress in any piece of software.

There are people who say that preventing saves adds to the "tension" of the game. Sure, in the sense that the fact that your 360 could catch on fire at any moment also adds to the tension. Face it, if the only way you can think of to add suspense to your game is to disable a feature of the hardware, then you suck at making games.
 
MattKeil said:
Oh come on, how little challenge do you people want? GTA's save system is fine. So is Dead Rising's. The quicksave whiners are so ridiculous that I can't believe they even have the balls to whine so loudly. :lol

That said, it's distressing how so many developers don't seem to grasp the idea of checkpoints. I was just (sadly) playing Iron Man a while ago and I can't believe that if I die at the end of a 30 minute level I have to go back and do the whole thing again. Start me at the last objective before I died, you twits.

GTA is still bad because they dont have mission checkpoints, but Dead Rising's save system is amazing.
 

Shaheed79

dabbled in the jelly
I've been preaching that lack of split-screen complaint since I the original Xbox started having games that did that. I think it was RtcW that sparked it. How dare these assholes assume we have no real friends to play with. Or maybe it is the fact that they're greedy jack asses.
 
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