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[Sàmban]

I've been seeing two girls but the time has come to let one of them go because things are starting to get serious with both of them. Neither of them is aware of the other. I'm not technically doing anything wrong (more on this later), but I got into this situation very fast and I've decided to stop things now before anyone gets really hurt. I know who I'd rather be with, but I just want your thoughts on the matter to see if there are other things I should consider.

Many months ago, my ex ended our 5-year relationship. We were having a lot of problems and she said she just wasn't in love with me anymore. It was devastating, but we still cared a lot about each and decided to stay good friends and we took a few months apart to heal. During this time, I met someone else. She was awesome, but I was reeling from the break-up and finishing up my residency so I told her I wasn't ready for a relationship at the moment.

After I finished my residency, my ex and I started hanging out again. We quickly became intimate and resumed our relationship where we left off. However, things were different, as our relationship had gotten much better and we had both matured quite a bit being apart. Everything seemed to be going well until I asked her if she wanted to get back together. She said she wanted to, but that there was something I needed to know:

She had slept with someone else while we were broken up.

I know she didn't do anything wrong and it's not cheating, but man did that shit hurt. I fucking cried, seriously. I was very hurt. She cried too and she said it didn't mean anything and that she was hurt and she didn't think we would ever be back together again. She said she regrets it and she's hoping it doesn't ruin us. I told her I needed time. She said she understood and was willing to give me time to do whatever I needed to get over it (but she doesn't want to know unless I fall in love with someone else).

So I started seeing the other girl, primarily because I felt like I should sleep with someone else too and basically say fuck you to my ex. Except that the new girl is just really fucking awesome and I actually like her. We have a lot in common and we get along well together. We're NOT exclusive yet.

So that's how I ended up in this big fucking mess. My ex doesn't really know, but she suspects it and she's terrified. The other girl has no idea. I'm seeing both at the same time. This has been going on for a month and a half now and it needs to stop.

I've weighed the pros and cons and I think I should get back with my ex. See below:

Ex Pros:
1. We love each other.
2. We have a 5 year relationship.
3. We've been able to fix a lot of our problems.
4. She knew it would hurt, but she was honest with me. She has always been honest, I think.
5. We're both ready to settle down with each other.

Ex Cons:
1. I'll need to really get over her sleeping with some other dude.
2. We may still have some of the same problems we had.
3. Her family doesn't know me very well (mainly her dad, since he travels a lot)

Getting back together with the other girl presents the following:

Pros:
1. We get along well and it seems we have much more in common
2. She's more "cerebral" like me than my ex, if that makes sense
3. Her family and ours know each other well

Cons:
1. I don't know what this girl will be like 5 years down the road
2. She's young (younger than my ex), and I'm not sure she's ready to settle down like I am
3. She's just starting her way through medical school
4. She's very mature, but I think she's inexperienced in relationships
5. I'm not sure how well I can trust her

Everything else is the same for both in terms of looks, independence, maturity etc.

So what do you think GAF? Do you guys think getting back with my ex is the best idea?

Edit: I should clarify that I don't think what I did here is right. I don't think I should have gotten with the other girl out of spite. It was wrong and petty and what my gf did when we were broken up is none of my business. I was just really hurt by this and I made a bad decision that has put me in this fucked up place. I'm not trying to rationalize what I did.

 

[norm9]

You shouldn't get with either the ex or the new girl. You won't ever truly trust your ex again, and the new girl is just a rebound thing so you'll never truly love her and you'll always wonder about the ex when thinking about/being with the rebound girl.

 

[Pbae]

I've been in a similar situation and honestly I think moving on is the best for you.

Your previous relationship didn't work out and the idea of salvaging it might seem beneficial or a more natural thing to do since you've invested so much into it already but if it didn't work out after 5 years, there's bound to be something else that might cause the relationship to flounder because of precedent.

Learn more about yourself and others with this new fling. Live, learn, and see other people. You might learn something new, meet more interesting people, etc.

This is just my 2 cents.

 

[Bit-Bit]

You knew how much it hurts to find out that your ex slept with someone else. Yet you wanted to have sex with someone else in order to get back at your ex? You don't really love her if that was your train of thought.

And you were going to use this other girl that genuinely likes you....

You don't deserve either girl.

 

[freenudemacusers]

if you have to make a list of pros/cons for people you're possibly getting into a relationship with for comparison shopping purposes i would find a totally new person to date.

but you seem petty and apparently love drama so eh whatever.

 

[DigitalDevil]

You shouldn't get with either the ex or the new girl. You won't ever truly trust your ex again, and the new girl is just a rebound thing so you'll never truly love her and you'll always wonder about the ex when thinking about/being with the rebound girl.

One and done

 

[Iph]

Well... I tend to always veer on the "move on from ex's, always, particularly if you see potential problems continuing" side of things. Baggage is as baggage does, and such.

Trying to "fix" problems doesn't always work if both parties are not on the same page and ready for/want the same things. You'll end up resenting each other down the line and it will hurt worse. The main red flag here is that it's been said that the love is gone. That's when it doesn't seem right to me. This is just from what you're telling me though.

If you're feeling better things about this younger woman you've been seeing, make sure it isn't because you're not over your heartbreak from your ex too and just want someone to fill the void.

I've had someone do that to me and it's a terrible feeling once it sinks in that you're just "unpaid emotional and sexual filler", if you will. Make sure you're in a good place and ready to be serious before taking things further, and getting to know this new lady in your life. Don't use her to fill a void and make her feel like a rent-a-dog. Be careful. It sounds like it might be too soon to decide on where to go with things if you still can't figure where you and your ex are in each other's heads and hearts.

You shouldn't get with either the ex or the new girl. You won't ever truly trust your ex again, and the new girl is just a rebound thing so you'll never truly love her and you'll always wonder about the ex when thinking about/being with the rebound girl.

Thank you, first post GAF. I am the eternal optimist when someone asks advice on picking between the lesser of two evils.

 

[Seesaw15]

You sound like a real winner OP.

 

[SharkJAW]

I've been in the same situation a couple times, and leaving behind the old relationship turned out to be the better choice. I feel as though returning to a previous relationship is the easy choice and comes naturally, but that doesn't make it the right decision. This is not to mention that you feel hurt about her sleeping with someone else. There's a solid chance that'll stay in the back of your mind for the duration of the relatiobship, possibly leading to resentment. I think the fact that you felt the need to retaliate evidences such.

 

[kirblar]

She had slept with someone else while we were broken up.

If this is a problem for you, you have bigger problems.

 

[Fracas]

What you did is douchey and you don't seem to deserve either girl. Come on, man. The best part is you've rationalized you did the right thing

I'm not technically doing anything wrong

So I started seeing the other girl, primarily because I felt like I should sleep with someone else too and basically say fuck you to my ex.

LOL

 

[triplestation]

I now feel great to be single thanks op

Fallout 4 is out in 3 months! :^)

 

[BumRush]

if you have to make a list of pros/cons for people you're possibly getting into a relationship with for comparison shopping purposes i would find a totally new person to date.

but you seem petty and apparently love drama so eh whatever.

Mac like a wise old sage post-ban

 

[IrgendwasmitRot]

New is always better?

You shouldn't get with either the ex or the new girl. You won't ever truly trust your ex again, and the new girl is just a rebound thing so you'll never truly love her and you'll always wonder about the ex when thinking about/being with the rebound girl.

But this.

 

[BreezyLimbo]

You need to love yourself a bit more before you proceed with another relationship. From the sounds of it you're just using these girls as a drug, especially your ex.

 

[YoungFa]

Get with the new one. Its anustart.

 

[-ImaginaryInsider]

If you're trying to convince yourself by listing traits, you've already made a choice and you're just trying talk yourself out of it. You should never talk yourself into wanting to be someone...you should just want to be with them.

Also, dating this other girl to subtly get back at your ex that you are also dating isn't mature and you might really want to rethink the whole "I'm ready to settle down" thing.

 

[Mass_Pincup]

If you truly love your ex you wouldn't be asking this or want to get back at her.

You should move on I think.

 

[aeolist]

you don't have any right to be mad at your ex for sleeping with someone else after you broke up. getting with someone else as revenge is petty and vindictive.

 

[Pezking]

I think both girls would be better off with another guy.

 

[Clockwork]

So you and your ex broke up and now you are back together...

...but you found out she had sex with someone while you were broken up...

...and your bright idea was to start dating someone while in a resumed relationship?

Sounds like your ex (who is really your girlfriend) is the one who should be upset and should be throwing you to the curb.

What a dirtball.

I'm not technically doing anything wrong (more on this later)

I also failed to catch any clarification how this is technically okay. It's not.

 

[dreamcastmaster]

Forget the ex, any problems that caused the breakup will still be there. Move on.

 

[Josh with a J]

It shouldn't matter at fucking all that she slept with someone while you weren't together

 

[Effect]

You knew how much it hurts to find out that your ex slept with someone else. Yet you wanted to have sex with someone else in order to get back at your ex? You don't really love her if that was your train of thought.

And you were going to use this other girl that genuinely likes you....

You don't deserve either girl.

This pretty much sums up my feelings at the moment. OP I think you really need to go back and re-read what you wrote.

 

[Iph]

you don't have any right to be mad at your ex for sleeping with someone else after you broke up. getting with someone else as revenge is petty and vindictive.

Yeah, not to be part of the echo, but this fact bothered me. If you were broken up, and she tried to date, or slept with someone as part of her moving on process and that made you vindictive, there is a real problem with you, first, IMHO, before anything in deciding "who to be with", comes up.

If you two broke up, her body and her decisions with it are not your property, business or say in any bloody way- your vindictive anger towards her is entirely unjustified and comes off a bit sexist too. Maybe I am assuming too much, but it sounds like you were lucky to have her to begin with. I think you need to mature a bit more, socially, before considering a serious relationship. Or find someone who has similar views- that way you know the exact kind of drama to expect from each other if you ever go on a break.

This is my giving the nice version of my opinion on this.

 

[jb1234]

you don't have any right to be mad at your ex for sleeping with someone else after you broke up. getting with someone else as revenge is petty and vindictive.

This. You need to grow up before entering another relationship, OP.

 

[Hilti92]

 

[Dr Prob]

if you have to make a list of pros/cons for people you're possibly getting into a relationship with for comparison shopping purposes i would find a totally new person to date.

Time for Girl C!

Right or wrong (seems like wrong from the outside), you're hung up on whatever happened while you and your ex were broken up and then started dating the new girl as a "fuck you." That isn't really nice, fair or a great foundation for a relationship. Might want to rethink just what it is you're doing.

Of course, ultimately you'll just do whatever the hell you want, but if you can take away one bit of advice from GAF, please keep your bobbleheads at home. Outlook not good.

 

[Gotdatmoney]

This. You need to grow up before entering another relationship, OP.

He can be mad, it may not be reasonable but feelings often aren't. The fact he is mad is entirely why there is no point in getting back with her though. He isnt going to stop being maf all of a sudden.

 

[Draconestra]

You don't trust either girl, it's right there in your Cons list for both, you shouldn't get with either of them unless you trust them completely.

Also, the fact that it bothers you that your ex slept with someone else while you two were apart is another problem entirely. Listen, your ex is a human being and she probably did it to cope with the break up. Who knows, but she's back now and when she tells you this information because she feels guilty and she trust you, but instead you think of being spiteful and try to hook up with the second girl? That's a huge red flag for you and it doesn't look like you two had a good relationship to begin with.

With that in mind, it sounds like you're just gonna bring your old baggage to this new girl. As someone else mentioned, you need to move on, but I believe you need to work on yourself. Listen, you can even go with either girl but you need to work on yourself and the trust issues that you seem to have with these two girls.

Finally, if you're even considering getting with your ex, you should let her know what you were planning on doing in the first place with the second girl. If you two are solid, things will work out. If you aren't, then you find out where she really stood on the whole situation.

 

[Africanus]

Why are sexual relations so sacred to some people? Especially when it was consensual outside of their severed relationship.

 

[Coffee Dog]

"I'm not technically doing anything wrong."

lol, if you have to say that you probably are

Sounds like you're using the other girl.

 

[Incitemaybe]

All of you should just get together, no need for all the arbitrary rules. Make new rules that fit you and your loves.


It's strange when people go through so much drama because of how they believe relationships should work.

 

[freeofgreed]

You knew how much it hurts to find out that your ex slept with someone else. Yet you wanted to have sex with someone else in order to get back at your ex? You don't really love her if that was your train of thought.

And you were going to use this other girl that genuinely likes you....

You don't deserve either girl.

eh, I think this is too simplistic a way to look at things. Yes what he was attempting to do was shitty and yes he has no reason to be mad at his ex, but that's us looking at things from an outside perspective. When your in a relationship that long and have invested so much into it it's easy to see why the OP feels the way he did, he's looking at it emotionally and not logically. Plus he didn't even go through with it.

 

[Kieli]

I know she didn't do anything wrong and it's not cheating, but man did that shit hurt. I fucking cried, seriously. I was very hurt. She cried too and she said it didn't mean anything and that she was hurt and she didn't think we would ever be back together again. She said she regrets it and she's hoping it doesn't ruin us. I told her I needed time. She said she understood and was willing to give me time to do whatever I needed to get over it (but she doesn't want to know unless I fall in love with someone else).

It's none of your fucking business who she sleeps with OUTSIDE of a relationship. But fine, I get it. I understand why you are upset.

So I started seeing the other girl, primarily because I felt like I should sleep with someone else too and basically say fuck you to my ex. Except that the new girl is just really fucking awesome and I actually like her. We have a lot in common and we get along well together. We're NOT exclusive yet.

What the fuck? Not a good look, OP... Not a good look at all.

 

[ThisGuy]

snip

Nice!

Norm manhandled that first post.

 

[Kopite]

Why are sexual relations so sacred to some people? Especially when it was consensual outside of their severed relationship.

I don't get this either. Why are you mad that about what your ex did while you were broken up? It's got nothing to do with you.

 

[Currygan]

honestly, I cringed several times reading that. Go with your ex and dont contaminate other human beings with your egotistical childishness

 

[entremet]

Girl Age sounds like you're asking the women members of GAF specifically.

 

[dh4niel]

You knew how much it hurts to find out that your ex slept with someone else. Yet you wanted to have sex with someone else in order to get back at your ex? You don't really love her if that was your train of thought.

And you were going to use this other girl that genuinely likes you....

You don't deserve either girl.

This.

 

[WarMacheen]

Listing pros and cons means it's too late. Move on.

 

[SoCoRoBo]

Thread is weirdly moralising. I don't think you've done anything wrong, OP. Do think you should forge ahead with the new girl though!

 

[Hilti92]

Nice!

Norm manhandled that first post.

I feel like there are several things in this post that can be illustrated with Friends pictures. Ops girlfriend:

 

[SharkJAW]

I don't get this either. Why are you mad that about what your ex did while you were broken up? It's got nothing to do with you.

Logically, you're correct, but I'd wager a good bunch of people don't treat relationships as logical as an outside observer might. If you're still in love with someone, knowing that they have a connection with someone else of any sort is going to hurt. Of course, this person is free to do what they like outside of the relationship, but feelings aren't under our direct control.

 

[Sàmban]

What you did is douchey and you don't seem to deserve either girl. Come on, man. The best part is you've rationalized you did the right thing





LOL

You're right actually. It was very douchey. I guess what I meant by "technically" was that it wasn't technically wrong but it was morally wrong. I made the decision in a bad mindset and I wish I hadn't. It was petty and wrong.

 

[Lengusta]

So your ex broke up with you to smash someone else and you want to get back with her, ok.

 

[davepoobond]

IMO your ex broke up with you so she could have sex with someone else, that didnt work out and now she is trying to make the relationship work


Do not go with the ex. The new girl you might have a chance with...


I also don't think he did anything wrong per se.

 

[Hexa]

Getting with your ex seems like a lost cause. You seem more invested in the relationship but not in a healthy way. Stay away.
The new girl could work. Right now she's a rebound and it doesn't seem like you're that invested, but I still think it's worth pursuing if you want to. Just make sure to make it clear and permanent with your ex before you do or it won't be fair to her if you're still thinking about your ex.

 

[Unbounded]

New girl.

 

[Joey Fox]

I was leaning towards new girl, but I'm guessing she isn't as attractive as your ex.

I vote for coming clean to both girls, see what they think and the pain you've been causing by hiding this. Then live with the horrible consequences if your ex takes you back. But you should never have tried to go back at all, and will learn that very soon.