Just remind them that old testament Christians are actually jews
But yeah, that can be rough.
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How do you deal with long term break ups?
- Thread starter arkhamguy123
- Start date
But yeah, that can be rough.
Cyberpunkd
Member
I’m sorry to have to tell you that and sound unkind - do not get into a relationship with people like that. You think you are saving them, it almost never works. Looks to me like this was some sort of trigger for traumatic episode and now 3 years are over because of one thing you did. Be happy it happened now and not with the kids.
Do not, I repeat - DO NOT date people with past mental health issues.
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arkhamguy123
Member
I guess I learned my lesson the very very very hard way then
I feel bad it really is tough she was raised extremely religious and extremely conservative and came out atheist and liberal with this atheist moderate boyfriend and this led to a slew of mental issues being so hyper family oriented. I guess she just couldn't reconcile. And her being so codependent on family i'm the one to get thrown under the bus to make the family happy.
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Sleepwalker
Member
If you're not willing to pretend (you shouldnt) just don't get involved with religious families is my advice.
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arkhamguy123
Member
I figured as long as me and her were good and in agreement we were solid but I underestimated the impact family could have for a woman who venerated family and was all about family
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Dice
Pokémon Parentage Conspiracy Theorist
You're in the woods right now. You need to be at the beach. You got where you are step by step, you'll get out of there step by step. That's how emotions like this work. The key is good self awareness and self determination to take those steps in the same direction each day. You're not going back, going in circles, you know that didn't work out and she's not the one so your purpose is elsewhere now. Each day you reaffirm that. Each time you think of her you intentionally remember that.
Second trick is to build new associated memories. You shared everything with her so now everything will remind you of her and times with her. Some of that may hang on for a long time, the more rare or unique things. However, for the majority of things you can share them with new people. It won't write over or delete the memories you have of the times with her, but it will give your brain more options when it comes to what/who you associate the common things of life with. This process will help you take those steps out of the woods.
Second trick is to build new associated memories. You shared everything with her so now everything will remind you of her and times with her. Some of that may hang on for a long time, the more rare or unique things. However, for the majority of things you can share them with new people. It won't write over or delete the memories you have of the times with her, but it will give your brain more options when it comes to what/who you associate the common things of life with. This process will help you take those steps out of the woods.
Cyberpunkd
Member
You will get through it, I was in a past relationship for 8-9 years, it didn't go anywhere. Then I met my wife and have wonderful kids.
Hit the gym or go on a short trip somewhere, nature and physical activity works wonders for your mental state.
Dice
Pokémon Parentage Conspiracy Theorist
In past times of my life I did ecumenical ministry for 10 years. Baptists are absolutely the most difficult. It's not even close.
fran.fernandez
Member
Longest relation ship I had was 5 years, than I had multiple 1 month, 1 year, 3 years etc..
No big deal, I start new one , break up , loop. Pretty fun. Never went back after dumped, even if they come crying and bla bla bla…
Now I’m married for 10 years (we dated for 3 years) . Previous year I start dating my wife I had like 5 gf in 6 months
.
Never thought about this is the one, everyone is the one
.
No big deal, I start new one , break up , loop. Pretty fun. Never went back after dumped, even if they come crying and bla bla bla…
Now I’m married for 10 years (we dated for 3 years) . Previous year I start dating my wife I had like 5 gf in 6 months
.Never thought about this is the one, everyone is the one
.
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bitbydeath
Member
Take the time to work on yourself, and enjoy your new found freedom. You gotta look at it from a different angle, it’s her loss.
Andyliini
Member
Yeah, this situation really sucks. I have been there myself, and it was rough. Then again, she did all kinds of crazy shit behind my back, trying to discredit me and everything I had ever done, so I could use that knowledge for my self healing. I was angry at her, and she'd done.
But as others have said, time heals wounds, so take time for yourself, talk to your friends, and do anything that can take your mind out of the current situation. You'll get better bit by bit.
But as others have said, time heals wounds, so take time for yourself, talk to your friends, and do anything that can take your mind out of the current situation. You'll get better bit by bit.
GymWolf
Member
Sorry to hear that dude, but maybe it's for the best, i know my fair share of stories of couples ruined by their families, you don't want a realation where her parents hate you, especially if she is very close to them.
Maybe it was for the best, if she is ready to leave you for such a reason, maybe she wasn't the right one.
I'm an atheist in a very religious city so i know the feeling of people hating on me because of that.
I just lie to women when they ask, but i'm not a dude interested in long term relations so it's all fair game.
Maybe it was for the best, if she is ready to leave you for such a reason, maybe she wasn't the right one.
I'm an atheist in a very religious city so i know the feeling of people hating on me because of that.
I just lie to women when they ask, but i'm not a dude interested in long term relations so it's all fair game.
arkhamguy123
Member
For such a reason and so damn quickly too man. With zero, absolutely zero willingness to hear any compromise. It’s staggering. Our issues I feel were so fixable too man. This was shit a 30 minute zoom session with a couples counselor would’ve fixed. Hell we could’ve traded emails with one and likely fixed it.
I just can’t believe all we’ve been through and made it through and it just goes like someone blew out a candle
arkhamguy123
Member
Those 3 and 5 year ones ending must’ve hurt like a knife in the gut. It’s just so much shared experience unless one is a sociopath I’d have to imagine it’s toughLongest relation ship I had was 5 years, than I had multiple 1 month, 1 year, 3 years etc..
No big deal, I start new one , break up , loop. Pretty fun. Never went back after dumped, even if they come crying and bla bla bla…
Now I’m married for 10 years (we dated for 3 years) . Previous year I start dating my wife I had like 5 gf in 6 months
Never thought about this is the one, everyone is the one
arkhamguy123
Member
Lucky me I meet the love of my life and it just so happens her family are crazy Baptist and it just so happens she’s the most family oriented women I’ve ever been with
arkhamguy123
Member
8-9 years Jesus Christ. I feel like I wouldn’t be able to drive by a sidewalk without thinking “man that’s where we walked together laughing and joking that one time”
Basically any restaurant, vacation spot, date spot, movie, show, game, book or song would be quarantined cause no doubt they’ve all been experienced together in that decade :/
arkhamguy123
Member
Funny enough her last serious bf ended due to family issues as well
She really does need a professional. I wish her well. I wish she had let me embark on that mental health self improvement journey with her
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Heimdall_Xtreme
Jim Ryan Fanclub's #1 Member
If she really loves you, she would accept you just the way you are....
So there are millions of people who would like to meet you.
I think that working, and improving your self-esteem, are the keys so that you can forget this bitter situation.... Be successful in your goals, that is what matters.... If she doesn't want to talk to you, let her... She wasn't for you.
So there are millions of people who would like to meet you.
I think that working, and improving your self-esteem, are the keys so that you can forget this bitter situation.... Be successful in your goals, that is what matters.... If she doesn't want to talk to you, let her... She wasn't for you.
Punished Miku
Gold Member
A lot of religious people boomerang. They are indoctrinated at birth, rebellious and "atheist" as a young adult, then back to religious when they settle down and have a family. Seen it many times. She will obviously have kids and it will be supremely important to her entire family what they believe and how they're raised.
You dodged a bullet. She was never changing shit. Sounds like it's not you at all, it's just a straight religious test.
Heimdall_Xtreme
Jim Ryan Fanclub's #1 Member
Exactly..
Exactamente.
Stay busy, try not to contact her anymore....
That is difficult as a man, but necessary.... Because then it is done in emotional blackmail, that they are the victims and the boyfriend is the one who is wrong.
Trunx81
Member
I love it how the GAF-advice "Hit the gym" still exists after all these years. Also best advice ever, as it not only improves your physical health, but also your mental, as studies show.
Anyway, OP, there are many indicators in your posts that show what went wrong. You started dating when she was 19, 1 year out of college. You were her first in everything, so she shied away from that for the other 19 years. She´s got issues, not only with her family but also with herself. You had a long distance relationship and now she faces the "harsh truth of living together", even had to share responsibility for a puppy.
What could you have done better?
That´s not the right questions to ask, as you seem to come off very supportive and invested into your relationship. But you´re also the older, "wiser" person in it, maybe even sharing some things or two with her dad, that she found out after moving in with you. Who knows?
But you are also still pretty young and the "woman of your life" maybe still out there. AND you´ve got a HUGE wingman in your puppy, let me tell you that
Anyway, OP, there are many indicators in your posts that show what went wrong. You started dating when she was 19, 1 year out of college. You were her first in everything, so she shied away from that for the other 19 years. She´s got issues, not only with her family but also with herself. You had a long distance relationship and now she faces the "harsh truth of living together", even had to share responsibility for a puppy.
What could you have done better?
That´s not the right questions to ask, as you seem to come off very supportive and invested into your relationship. But you´re also the older, "wiser" person in it, maybe even sharing some things or two with her dad, that she found out after moving in with you. Who knows?
But you are also still pretty young and the "woman of your life" maybe still out there. AND you´ve got a HUGE wingman in your puppy, let me tell you that
Dice
Pokémon Parentage Conspiracy Theorist
I lost a love of 5 years whom I was ready to marry when she simply got scared of real life. She didn’t date anyone for 9 years after that. It sucks when mental issues are suddenly revealed. Can’t be with my current love because of insanity with her family. I’d say nothing sucks more than being despised for the fact of your love. Also nothing faster at destroying any sense that they know God and his ways.
BossLackey
Gold Member
I try to keep my atheism to myself for the most part. I'll let someone know if prompted, but I don't advertise it.
Unfortunately, my parents are very religious and I know coming out as atheist would shatter our relationship.
It's so silly.
GymWolf
Member
Thank god (
) my family is not super religious, my city kinda is.We have a lot of old people in here.
haxan7
Volunteered as Tribute
A
arkhamguy123
maybe this is your call to give up the atheism
TheDreadBaron
Member
Thats brutal dude. The feeling of betrayal must weigh heavy with how suddenly and completely she was willing to sever that connection you had built together. It doesn’t sound like your fault, it must have either been secretly building and she was looking for an excuse, or to me it sounds more likely that like her family is horribly controlling to the point of outright abuse and that’s what’s causing her ‘family issues’ You showing up unexpectedly threatened to expose her own secret shame of not believing, and she KNOWS what would happen if they knew, she would be disowned. I could be off base but that’s how it reads to me. Whatever the reason, bottom line is she needs to handle her shit and you deserve better my friend, I hope you meet a smoking hot tattooed heathen chica who loves giving you bj’s and sandwiches.
Oberstein
Member
It's always tough, and as we often say, time heals the wound... but in fact, not totally.
I've noticed, but maybe I'm wrong, that women are much less sentimental about their former boyfriends. Once it's over, they don't give a damn. Men, on the other hand, think about it a lot. Personally, I went through a painful separation in 2014 and I think back to those happy moments in the park with her. Tried to contact her again... unsuccessfully. She's rebuilt her life and doesn't give a shit about me anymore.
Recently, a chick I had a crush on chose another guy, bad luck for me, but I have a feeling I'm going to miss her for a good many years to come. For her, again, it's like I don't even exist anymore....
So yes, with time it will get better, but you always end up thinking about it again sooner or later. That doesn't mean we won't be happy with someone else, but there you go.
I've noticed, but maybe I'm wrong, that women are much less sentimental about their former boyfriends. Once it's over, they don't give a damn. Men, on the other hand, think about it a lot. Personally, I went through a painful separation in 2014 and I think back to those happy moments in the park with her. Tried to contact her again... unsuccessfully. She's rebuilt her life and doesn't give a shit about me anymore.
Recently, a chick I had a crush on chose another guy, bad luck for me, but I have a feeling I'm going to miss her for a good many years to come. For her, again, it's like I don't even exist anymore....
So yes, with time it will get better, but you always end up thinking about it again sooner or later. That doesn't mean we won't be happy with someone else, but there you go.
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arkhamguy123
Member
Yeah I’m inclined to agree. From my general observations they’re usually the ones to break off a long term (and short term) relationship and generally will be distraught the next day or two but quickly bounce back whereas men tend to morph into Bruce Wayne in The Batman 2022 for weeks or months or years even. I mean hell there’s a whole meme culture on social media about men and their emotions after a break up. No such thing really exist for women to my knowledge. I’m sure there’s a meme here or there but it’s staggering all the jokes and bits are out there for guys.
This isn’t to say women are bad or cruel or evil. But it is fascinating and maybe worth having a social scientist or psychologist explore or conduct a study on
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arkhamguy123
Member
It’s funny you use that word because that was the same word she used when she did it. “I know I’m betraying you. I know this is a betrayal”. It seems like she felt like shit about it and I couldn’t get why she’d still go through with it despite admitting it “doesn’t make sense” to me as well.
But also like you observed I think you hit the nail on the head with the family thing. If they found out about her she’s toast and perhaps that’s a big cause of her psychological issues there and me mixing with them as someone would if you marry them and you’re with them your whole life is too risky. She even said she will “never” get married because it wouldn’t be a religious wedding (she’s atheist of course) and then the jig is up for her. Really sad stuff. I hope maybe after therapy there’s a future for her outside of just silly movie nights with cousins and game shows with grandpa and grandma.
I suspect there may come a day she tries to get back together after getting older and maturing to say my age or close. I think it’s possible there is a reflection and a “man I really rushed that”. but admittedly this may be A grade cope and blind hope
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SlimySnake
Flashless at the Golden Globes
Sucks to hear it brother. But shes not the one for you if shes dumping over something that innocous. You dodged a bullet and she was kind to drop you when she did. Could be worse had she dont that after a couple of kids and 20 years.
Lots of good advise here. Go date other women. You will be reminded of how good you had but also, a very good chance, you fall for someone new. that guy who said date 10 girls gets it. very good chance you find someone way better and you wont even remember her after a few weeks.
Lastly, buy arkham knight on switch.
Lots of good advise here. Go date other women. You will be reminded of how good you had but also, a very good chance, you fall for someone new. that guy who said date 10 girls gets it. very good chance you find someone way better and you wont even remember her after a few weeks.
Lastly, buy arkham knight on switch.
Punished Miku
Gold Member
Mods, I'm reporting a hacked account. Please lock until the original owner can contact staff.
Putonahappyface
Member
"A lot of it spawns from a disapproval of me due to me being atheist and them being heavily".
"Hardcore Old Testament Christians :/. Baptists. That’s the family"
You poor bastard that sound horrendous!
"Hardcore Old Testament Christians :/. Baptists. That’s the family"
You poor bastard that sound horrendous!
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deathsaber
Member
Sorry to hear about this. But yeah, if you are an adamant atheist and she comes from a deeply religious family with whom she is fully engaged with, even if she claims to be closet atheist with you, the fact she clearly isn't singing the same tune to her family is telling.. Plus, they were always going to be in one of her ears dragging your name through the mud, if your atheism is well known to them. You just were not going to win that battle, unless she were willing to completely cut ties with them, which probably wasn't going to happen. Too much incompatibility there, and family will almost always win out. And yes, Baptists are bad. They think everyone is going to hell- including all other non-Baptist Christian denominations. They hate Catholics and pretty much all other groups, can't even fathom what they think of an atheist.
Sorry about time lost, that's rough, but hopefully you come out of this wiser than before, and super cliche but time makes all things fade. You'll get there, and move on in time.
Sorry about time lost, that's rough, but hopefully you come out of this wiser than before, and super cliche but time makes all things fade. You'll get there, and move on in time.
arkhamguy123
Member
Yeah add all that with her child like co dependency on family. I guess I had no chance.
I had hoped this familial disagreement would come up later like years down the line as she’s older and more mature and we’d talk through it. I think I accelerated an issue years in advance when she is simply just a 22 year old who’s fresh out of college and scared and anxious in the world and it was just a quick death knell
She did you a favor. Go get yourself in ridiculously good shape. Maybe take a trip to Vegas or something and sow some wild oats.
Oberstein
Member
It's reassuring to see that break-up problems are universally recognized.
It may be a bit silly, but this clip from ST Voyager says it all. Apparently men never really forget a lost love.
"Eventually, you start thinking about her less and less. Until finally, without realising it, she's not on your mind anymore [...] But every now and then, even years later,something reminds you of her. A certain smell, a few notes of a song, and suddenly you feel just as bad as the day she told you she neverwanted to see you again. If you want to know the honest truth, Doc, you never completely get over a woman you really cared about."
arkhamguy123
Member
She’s reeeeeeallyyy dragging her feet on getting all of her stuff out.
Sign of re considering or what?
Sign of re considering or what?
TheDreadBaron
Member
Could be, could also be a sign of wanting to move on and not deal with those loose ends. The problem with her family is not going away though, it sounds like it’s them or you and she hasn’t been allowed to make her own decisions without the threat of abandonment.
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Aesius
Member
It's often because women silently mourn their relationships for months or even years before they pull the plug. So when they decide to break up, they have a massive head start on men.
And of course, women also have an overflowing buffet of dating options when they're single. Imagine if you slowly fell out of love with your girlfriend over the course of a year, and when you finally broke up with her, you had 4 women in your day-to-day life who wanted to date you and 100 matches on your dating profile. It would be pretty easy to move on for you, too.
arkhamguy123
Member
This might make me crazier than the joker himself but I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I think I’m going to try one more time to get her back. I’m gonna emphasize how serious I am about moving with her and talk about the self reflection I’ve done. I think it’s worth a shot
WitchHunter
Banned
Watch some romantic comedies, like the absolute best:
Artoris
Gold Member
you could try explaining to her that families alway medal in children's affairs and giving into it leads to miserable existence
get her to look outside the box with you
DeepEnigma
Gold Member
Hot young strippers and blow. Mainly for the strippers.
Probably will cost you less in the long run too.
Probably will cost you less in the long run too.
lem0n
Member
If there was an answer for this, break ups would be much easier. Unfortunately everyone's situation is different so the solution to coping with the breakup will be different every time. Just for context, this is my breakup story-
About 9 years ago I was dumped by my GF of 8 years. The solution for me at the time was getting a physically demanding job in a different city and going to live with my best friend. Said friend got me a job with him stocking beer in grocery stores and Walmarts etc. We were up at 330am, off at noon, and we hung out playing CoD together for months. His support and friendship got me through the hardest times when I was really struggling. Eventually I started dating again. Then met my now fiance. Things have been on the up for years. I still (rarely) think about my ex, but not in a longing type of way- so I'm not sure the wound ever really completely heals. But doing things you like, with people you like, and keeping your mind busy are the best tips I can give to anyone that are going though some similar shit.
About 9 years ago I was dumped by my GF of 8 years. The solution for me at the time was getting a physically demanding job in a different city and going to live with my best friend. Said friend got me a job with him stocking beer in grocery stores and Walmarts etc. We were up at 330am, off at noon, and we hung out playing CoD together for months. His support and friendship got me through the hardest times when I was really struggling. Eventually I started dating again. Then met my now fiance. Things have been on the up for years. I still (rarely) think about my ex, but not in a longing type of way- so I'm not sure the wound ever really completely heals. But doing things you like, with people you like, and keeping your mind busy are the best tips I can give to anyone that are going though some similar shit.
ForAcademicPurposes
Gold Member
Honestly? I don't even begin.