British drivers are often fascinated by the differences, apart from the direction we drive and the side of the car the steering wheel is on, so here's a handy guide to some of our standards.
STOPPING DISTANCE: Most important. In the UK safe stopping distance is often hundreds of feet. In America, the gap between vehicles traveling at high speeds is called a WEAKNESS VACUUM and should be filled IMMEDIATELY. Inform the car in front of you that you are not weak by tailgating it at 70mph with no intention of overtaking. Which brings us to...
OVERTAKING LANE: Note, it is not called the FAST LANE in the US, because it is designed for elderly people in Buicks or Cadillacs to go at about ten miles less than the posted speed limit. They are using their turn signal as if to indicate they will merge right. They will not. They will simply keep going until a mass of pedestrians at a Farmer's Market eventually slows them down. Which brings us to...
TURN SIGNALS: in the US, these are actually called BITCH CLUES. Used correctly, they will show the drivers around you what you just did - one blink to indicate you already veered in front of them. However, used incorrectly they will alert other drivers of your intention to turn, merge etc, giving them ample time to accelerate or decelerate to PREVENT you from doing whatever maneuver you foolishly gave away.
MERGE LANES: if you are on the freeway already, watch out for merge lanes. Other drivers will, incredibly, try to get on the freeway. Make sure you get all the way over to the merge lane and accelerate or decelerate to prevent them from going to wherever they are trying to go. If you are merging ON to the Freeway, it is best to lock your speed at 40mph and haphazardly try to jerk your car into a gap, ensuring a cascading brake effect ten miles behind you.
EMERGENCY/HANDBRAKE: This is a vestigial device found in American cars and does nothing at all. However, it is important to get a car that has a foot activated handbrake that jams down to the floor and cannot be unarmed without doing something counterintuitive, like putting your car in gear or jamming it harder. Whatever you do, NEVER use it when parking on a hill. This shows people that you are an idiot. Instead, make sure your wheels are completely parallel to the sidewalk and put the car in gear before getting out.
PARKING: Americans will think a vehicle parked facing south at the side of a northbound lane is a speeding vehicle and scream, crash and die. It is therefor illegal in most places to park your car facing the opposite direction of traffic flow.*
SCHOOLBUS: if you see a SCHOOLBUS anywhere near you, with any kind of lights flashing at all, just turn around and go home. Nothing further can be done in your car that day.
ROUNDABOUT: In the states these are sometimes called "Traffic Circles" but more commonly, CHAOS VORTICES where the laws of nature, physics and common sense break down at an Event Horizon. Here, particles, or vehicles, are wrenched into a kind of existential incoherence where nobody has the slightest fucking clue what to do next.
PARALLEL PARKING: if you see someone use their BITCH CLUES to alert you they are about to pull into a parking spot, by creeping parallel to the car in front of the spot, it is IMPERATIVE that you drive right up to their bumper and force them to abandon the maneuver completely and drive around the block to find another spot. If you are too late to prevent this, either lay on the horn or veer wildly into the oncoming traffic as if the person parking was an actual explosion.
* this is actually true.
STOPPING DISTANCE: Most important. In the UK safe stopping distance is often hundreds of feet. In America, the gap between vehicles traveling at high speeds is called a WEAKNESS VACUUM and should be filled IMMEDIATELY. Inform the car in front of you that you are not weak by tailgating it at 70mph with no intention of overtaking. Which brings us to...
OVERTAKING LANE: Note, it is not called the FAST LANE in the US, because it is designed for elderly people in Buicks or Cadillacs to go at about ten miles less than the posted speed limit. They are using their turn signal as if to indicate they will merge right. They will not. They will simply keep going until a mass of pedestrians at a Farmer's Market eventually slows them down. Which brings us to...
TURN SIGNALS: in the US, these are actually called BITCH CLUES. Used correctly, they will show the drivers around you what you just did - one blink to indicate you already veered in front of them. However, used incorrectly they will alert other drivers of your intention to turn, merge etc, giving them ample time to accelerate or decelerate to PREVENT you from doing whatever maneuver you foolishly gave away.
MERGE LANES: if you are on the freeway already, watch out for merge lanes. Other drivers will, incredibly, try to get on the freeway. Make sure you get all the way over to the merge lane and accelerate or decelerate to prevent them from going to wherever they are trying to go. If you are merging ON to the Freeway, it is best to lock your speed at 40mph and haphazardly try to jerk your car into a gap, ensuring a cascading brake effect ten miles behind you.
EMERGENCY/HANDBRAKE: This is a vestigial device found in American cars and does nothing at all. However, it is important to get a car that has a foot activated handbrake that jams down to the floor and cannot be unarmed without doing something counterintuitive, like putting your car in gear or jamming it harder. Whatever you do, NEVER use it when parking on a hill. This shows people that you are an idiot. Instead, make sure your wheels are completely parallel to the sidewalk and put the car in gear before getting out.
PARKING: Americans will think a vehicle parked facing south at the side of a northbound lane is a speeding vehicle and scream, crash and die. It is therefor illegal in most places to park your car facing the opposite direction of traffic flow.*
SCHOOLBUS: if you see a SCHOOLBUS anywhere near you, with any kind of lights flashing at all, just turn around and go home. Nothing further can be done in your car that day.
ROUNDABOUT: In the states these are sometimes called "Traffic Circles" but more commonly, CHAOS VORTICES where the laws of nature, physics and common sense break down at an Event Horizon. Here, particles, or vehicles, are wrenched into a kind of existential incoherence where nobody has the slightest fucking clue what to do next.
PARALLEL PARKING: if you see someone use their BITCH CLUES to alert you they are about to pull into a parking spot, by creeping parallel to the car in front of the spot, it is IMPERATIVE that you drive right up to their bumper and force them to abandon the maneuver completely and drive around the block to find another spot. If you are too late to prevent this, either lay on the horn or veer wildly into the oncoming traffic as if the person parking was an actual explosion.
* this is actually true.
