Okay so here comes a story for ya'll:
Around this time last year I was on OKCupid and I started chatting with this guy on and off. Let's call him Jered. Basically we were a "match" as it were and while we always pitched ideas to meet (like "we should go out for lunch sometime") it never came to fruition. So we chatted periodically for probably a few months. He's super friggin cute so I definitely wanted to meet him in person at some point. Then on OKCupid I started talking to this other guy who was hilarious and had a billion things in common with me. We'll call him Neil. I thought this guy was fantastic friend material so I especially wanted to meet him because of that. There was no hint of flirtation or romantic inclination in our conversations so I assumed we were just gonna get to know each other before we label our pairing as anything. So Neil and I decide to meet downtown for Sunday Funday just to drink a bit and get to know each other, and it was a social setting so I had a friend with me and he said he had a friend too.
He introduces me to his friend and it's Jered! We do the casual "oh very nice to meet you" niceties but he was with some other friends as well so he wasn't around us a lot that night. Later that night he messages me on OKCupid saying "it was nice to finally meeting you!" and I respond "you too!" A few weeks after that we were a match on Tindr I believe. We didn't address it at the time, lol. So Neil and I got along so well that we ended up hanging out quite a bit after that, and what I assumed to be a completely platonic friendship was getting stronger. At one point we were both drunk and he asks me if I wanted to go on a date to see where it goes. I figured (in my drunk state) that one date didn't hurt, and hey if I find myself attracted to him that way then that's great, and if not then we agreed to just give it a single try and see what happens.
So basically we go on a "date" and I realized toward the end of it that I was much more attracted to his personality than anything else really, and I felt like a cliche telling him "I really see us more as friends" because I know that can be interpreted as "get away from me I don't like you." But right after the date I pretty much told him that as earnestly as I could, and he said he understood and that he was a little bit crushed about it. He said he developed a lot of feelings towards me and that he's sad that I can't reciprocate them. I said that I was sorry and that I really do adore him and want him in my life, just not that way. He says he may need a small adjustment period but that he's happy to be my friend.
Since then we've met up in social settings like bars and restaurants and parties and whatever and we were back to normal. Jered would tag along with him and we would talk here and there but nothing too much. Neil then started being more on the prowl at the gay bars so I took that as a good thing. A few Sundays ago Neil said he and Jered were downtown and that I should meet them down. When I end up going there, Jered's the only one there, and he says that Neil met a boy and took him home.
So that was the first time Jered and I got to talk one on one ever..... and I fell for him super hard. We ended up leaving the club and walking to a coffee shop/bar to talk in a more quiet place. He told me that he felt awkward around me for a while because he was attracted to me but didn't want to act on anything since Neil was his best friend. I told him I was in the same lane, and that I felt bad about it because I wasn't sure what his reaction would be. He says it's especially difficult for him since he and Neil are inseparable and that Neil's told him about his feelings for me. We end up hanging out there for hours, and as we started drinking more we begun to flirt more, then it got to us deciding to maybe go on one date off the grid just to see what happens. Again, we felt guilty about it but we were obviously enamored with each other.
We went on about 4 dates since that time, all magical. We also met up with other friends (and Neil ended up joining later in the night) so Jered and I tried to edit ourselves a bit around him, since we weren't ready to face that yet. He's slept over at my place twice so far. No sex, but almost everything else. After each date we're like "okay it's time to tell Neil" and we decided that this Thursday he would tell him over dinner to gauge his feedback. We decided not to tell him that we've already been seeing each other but that we have a mutual interest and we were curious about taking it further.
Again I had no idea what his reaction was going to be. He could be like "sure go for it" or he could be genuinely upset with us (especially him, since he knew about our situation beforehand), but I knew that Neil was a sensitive person and so I was worried for what that conversation would turn into. I feel like I'm crossing a line, and that Jered was too, but another part of me is like hell, if I meet someone and it goes so well that I wanna pursue it, I deserve that for myself. I've dealt with too many assholes in my life who didn't deserve my time, and to find someone who I've hit it off with so well so far makes me just wanna throw caution to the wind. I'm like "Neil may need to adjust and he may be upset, but he can get used to it."
Anyway, evidently Jered told him last night... not sure what exactly he said, but I got a text from Neil this morning pretty much saying "So I talked to Mr Jered last night." So I guess I'll keep ya updated. lol
Anyone go through something similar? What's the code of conduct for something like this? Is it even that bad of a situation?
