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[Cepheus]

I agree with your friend. Your relationship with this girl ended the instant she rejected you and now, it's stuck in some weird clingy, toxic limbo. Let her go. I know how much it hurts. I've been in your shoes. The real question you need to ask yourself is whether you're capable of continuing your friendship with the dude. You might still be able to salvage that, only as long as she's not a part of it (which means he needs to know he can longer mention her again, for the sake of your mental health).

Just move on. It'll hurt for a while but it gets better.

Yeah... I've tried to have friendship with this guy without her, which is what it was when he first started talking to me last week, but neither of us could go without mentioning her for too long and then it started hurting for me. He suggested that he could stop mentioning her once before, but I told him that would be pointless because I still bring her up half the time since I want to know how she's getting on, and I sort of have to go through him to get any answers regarding that. So yeah, that won't work. The only thing I can do now is cut them off...

 

[neojubei]

Knowing you will never get married or meet anyone or be happy for once, is quite awful. Seems like only death can cure this.

 

[redlegs87]

Knowing you will never get married or meet anyone or be happy for once, is quite awful. Seems like only death can cure this.

Except you don't know that is the case really. I really wish you could view yourself in a positive sense. Put effort into life and things and you'll get good things coming your way. Sure it won't be a avalanche and you won't always be happy 100 percent of the time but no one ever truly is.

 

[driggonny]

Knowing you will never get married or meet anyone or be happy for once, is quite awful. Seems like only death can cure this.

I know you're really depressed from what I've read of your posts so I'll just post some thoughts that probably won't help. I don't presume to understand your situation.

Learning to be content as an individual helped me a lot. You don't need anyone else's love. Marriage should be a nice thought of a time far down the road, not something to dwell on in the moment. I used to think like you often, but you need to find motivation divorced from the approval of others. I try to live life moment to moment (mindfulness) and just enjoy simple things like food and T.V.; Embracing entertainment as a distraction of the mind.

Thinking more than a few days ahead is often a waste of time and just results in despair.

 

[neojubei]

Except you don't know that is the case really. I really wish you could view yourself in a positive sense. Put effort into life and things and you'll get good things coming your way. Sure it won't be a avalanche and you won't always be happy 100 percent of the time but no one ever truly is.

at this point in my life its 100% certainty that i'll never meet anyone ever. never had a boyfriend in my whole life. im quite done. i really wish i could just end it today. I promised my friend i will go with him to Japan after that im just going to die. i finally have the will power to do it. if pample can do it, so can i. I'm tired of being attracted to guys knowing how horrible i look. death is the only cure for me. at this point in my life i am ready to die. feels like everything has been building up to this. im going to be alone on v-day this year, least i can say for certainty i will be dead for valentines day 2018.

 

[Lemaitre]

at this point in my life its 100% certainty that i'll never meet anyone ever. never had a boyfriend in my whole life. im quite done. i really wish i could just end it today. I promised my friend i will go with him to Japan after that im just going to die. i finally have the will power to do it. if pample can do it, so can i. I'm tired of being attracted to guys knowing how horrible i look. death is the only cure for me. at this point in my life i am ready to die. feels like everything has been building up to this. im going to be alone on v-day this year, least i can say for certainty i will be dead for valentines day 2018.

You're not the only one who's going to be alone on Valentine's day. I'll be alone too, and so will many others I'm sure.

As someone else has said you have to find your inner strength and rely on that first. When you're strong enough for yourself it's only then that you can hope to create a lasting relationship with someone else. I know you've been posting repeatedly throughout this thread and it seems like depression at the least. I don't know you or your background but you have to be proactive to live the life you desire, even in the midst of terrible depressions.

You can fight, grow your strength, and one day be a part of a loving relationship with someone else. It's entirely up to you but please rely on family and friends if you have them. Feel free to PM me if you're ever down.

Before I went on Lamictal my depressions were scary to the point of me fearing for my own life, but experiencing the difference on medication has done wonders for me. I used to think life was impossible to live but it can get better, and I'm not the only one who has been low but gotten better. So can you friend.

 

[Hey_Blinkin]

She diagnosed all that in a half hour?

It's rather presumptuous to recommend medication that quickly. Does she think there's something organically wrong with your brain?

In either case, I'd probably get a second opinion.

She seemed very surprised when I told her that I've not noticed anyone in my family having similar symptoms. She seems convinced that it's the way I'm "wired". I'm open to trying medication if she really thinks it will help. I just want the anxiety to stop. My brain is at full speed 24/7 over analyzing ever single thing from the way someone looked at me to a conversation I had 5 years ago repeating over and over again in my head.

 

[brianjones]

has anyone ever been on an antidepressant for a while then stopped and got back on it again?

i stopped taking 10mg celexa cold turkey for a little over a week because i felt it was holding me back from losing more weight.. i was fine until i wasn't.. all of a sudden i got hit with the worst wave of depression I've ever felt and i was worried that this was the "real me" without anti depressants so i started taking them again.

its been about 2 weeks now and I've had some good days but i feel like they're not as effective as they used to be.. I'm not able to enjoy the things i used to

wondering if i should talk to my psychiatrist about trying a new medication.. thing that sucks is my psychiatrist is from back when i had good health insurance.. right now I'm on a form of obamacare and he doesn't accept it so its $100 out of pocket for every visit

 

[Lemaitre]

has anyone ever been on an antidepressant for a while then stopped and got back on it again?

i stopped taking 10mg celexa cold turkey for a little over a week because i felt it was holding me back from losing more weight.. i was fine until i wasn't.. all of a sudden i got hit with the worst wave of depression I've ever felt and i was worried that this was the "real me" without anti depressants so i started taking them again.

its been about 2 weeks now and I've had some good days but i feel like they're not as effective as they used to be.. I'm not able to enjoy the things i used to

wondering if i should talk to my psychiatrist about trying a new medication

Since Celexa is an SSRI (I'm on Paxil, another SSRI) you have to remember stopping any SSRI cold turkey is dangerous and can have negative effects on your health.

In the future I would definitely not stop taking an SSRI because of weight gain or whatever other concern without first consulting your psychiatrist.

I had spoken to someone else earlier in this thread who stopped taking their SSRI cold turkey and we both agreed dosages should ideally be tapered over several weeks time.

 

[brianjones]

Since Celexa is an SSRI (I'm on Paxil, another SSRI) you have to remember stopping any SSRI cold turkey is dangerous and can have negative effects on your health.

In the future I would definitely not stop taking an SSRI because of weight gain or whatever other concern without first consulting your psychiatrist.

I had spoken to someone else earlier in this thread who stopped taking their SSRI cold turkey and we both agreed dosages should ideally be tapered over several weeks time.

yeah it was definitely a mistake

i took for granted how much the meds were actually holding me together

my concern now is they won't get me back to the way they were before i stopped them.. but its only been a couple weeks I'm trying to be patient but its hard.. the days and hours are long .. especially with me being unemployed and nothing to occupy my time.. I'm working on that as well

 

[beau_beaumont]

So, I've been thinking of starting a blog about my struggles with bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed around eight years ago and it has only been recently that I've felt well enough to finally write in my journal about it. I have 100+ pages of journal entries from the last 15 years and I think there is some insightful stuff in there, both during my darkest moments and my most peaceful.

The blog would basically just be my journal entries since I have so much material. Is that something you guys think I should do? I feel like there are people out there that would enjoy reading about my journey and that it could maybe raise awareness if anyone decides to read it. What say ye?

 

[brianjones]

i would love to read it.. i think thats a great thing

 

[Lemaitre]

yeah it was definitely a mistake

i took for granted how much the meds were actually holding me together

my concern now is they won't get me back to the way they were before i stopped them.. but its only been a couple weeks I'm trying to be patient but its hard.. the days and hours are long .. especially with me being unemployed and nothing to occupy my time.. I'm working on that as well

Definitely tell your psychiatrist as detailed as you can how long you stopped taking it and when you re-started. They may recommend you try another SSRI or just wait it out. You have to remember too that it can take anywhere from 4-6 weeks to get the full benefit of any SSRI.

A fellow unemployed brother! I'm in the same boat too and I've been using this downtime to recover my mental health. Definitely just take it day by day, and try to do a little more each day/week. No need to over-stress yourself especially if you have the downtime to decompress.

What say ye?

I definitely give you another thumbs up for starting this blog about your bi-polarity. As someone recently diagnosed bi-polar 2 and a brother who is diagnosed as bi-polar 1 (w/ intense psychotic episodes) I think the more information/insight into bi-polarity the better. I'd definitely give it a read and share it with my brother as well. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[MisterLuffy]

I'm really frustrated when it comes to making minor/major mistakes or when I over think things. I'm really angry with myself. I hate working at my retail job, but what bothers me the most is being lazy to look for other jobs so I could leave this one. I'm tired of being there. Also, I don't bother looking for internships or go to events relating to programming to get pointers on applying for jobs or what types of questions they will be asking during an interview. My life sucks because of me. I lack effort and the will to do something.

 

[beau_beaumont]

i would love to read it.. i think thats a great thing

I definitely give you another thumbs up for starting this blog about your bi-polarity. As someone recently diagnosed bi-polar 2 and a brother who is diagnosed as bi-polar 1 (w/ intense psychotic episodes) I think the more information/insight into bi-polarity the better. I'd definitely give it a read and share it with my brother as well. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Okay, I'm glad there is some interest. Thankfully I have a lot of material already, so it should be pretty easy to get up and running. Strangely, I have been a pretty prolific journal writer through all this, so I think I have a pretty unique perspective.

This all started out as a way to heal after I wound up in the psych ward, but hopefully some other people might also find a way to heal by reading it. I'm all about starting a dialogue about this taboo subject. I just need to avoid getting sucked into another manic-induced project. Thankfully, I think I can avoid that at this point in my life.

 

[YesManKablaam]

So I should hopefully be leaving the country in about a month's time (still need to provide some documentation which is a pain to procure) and the general plan is that once I leave, I won't be coming back. It's a difficult decision to come to terms with, and I can't help but feel nasty and ungrateful when I tell my parents this, but I am just fundamentally not happy with the life I live here and even the place itself feels alien to me. It's not my home, and I don't know where home is.

I've got plenty of people I care deeply for, and wish all the best in life, but once I've gone I doubt I'll see them again. The thing I've come to terms with over the past few months is that I'm not a person that has longstanding relationships, romantic or otherwise. It's happened a number of times throughout my life now: When my mum first moved home when I was 11 I never stayed in touch with the friends I had made, and then again when I was 14 and moved in with my Dad, I never stayed in contact with the friends I had in primary school and then the pattern repeated in seocndary school. When in University I have barely maintained real connections with the people I met there or those I lived with, and then through various jobs I held interaction with old co-workers has never extended beyond an occasional message every few years (if that). Several years ago I moved to Glasgow and made my strongest connections ever, met so many people that I loved and who's company I cherished and yet in the months since I've left I've barely spoken to any of them.

It goes both ways, this isn't me actively avoiding people, they too don't keep in touch with me. While I was there I hardly ever spoke to my parents and being back in my Dad's house feels unnatural (I rarely speak to my Mum, though the same would be true for my Dad if I wasn't under the same roof as him). My ex is the only person I've ever missed, and even she falls into the pattern; everyone's lives continue and even thrive once their time with me comes to an end. I'm a fleeting presence in people's lives, and I'm coming to reconcile with that and even embrace it. The only thing I ever truly wanted is something I can't have so in a sense it feels quite liberating to not want for anything, so now I simply 'do'.

I've got qualifications that can take me around the world should I please, and maybe I can find somewhere to call home. I'm not an isolated or introverted person, but I don't forge connections like most people do. I don't have lifelong friends and if I'm being honest, I don't have a best friend. My family is full of lovely people but they don't feel like my family.

Maybe once I leave I'll actually question this conclusion I've come to and change my mind. But right now it feels like something I need to do. I can't say I'll miss anyone as it's just not the person I am, but I care for them all immesaurably.

 

[The Lamonster]

Going to see a therapist for the first time tonight (a professional licensed psychologist). Never had any mental health issues but I'm going through a divorce (and there's a 2 year old child involved) and wanted to talk to someone.

Anyway, I have no idea to expect. Any general advice?

 

[RoyaleDuke]

So I think it's been a minute since I posted. I got served eviction papers on Monday, had three days before my my stuff was going to be possessed. Probably the lowest I've been was that Monday, wound up talking to a suicide hotline attendant for over an hour, got encouraged when I made her laugh by asking her how many English Majors must call, and that number must pale in comparison to philosophy majors. Managed to find a friend that was good hearted enough to not only help me store my stuff for a couple days, but helped me out by providing a floor, blankets for two nights and food. My violent time with Colorado has come to a end. I always knew I was gonna head back east at some point,just not as pathetically.

Managed to rent a car with the help of my grandparents, got all of my Shit in it and managed to drive around twelve hours the first day covering 600+ miles, leaving about fifteen hours, 800 miles left before I get back home to my parents in Florida, and my two dogs who I haven't seen since August 2015.

I'm gonna be living with them for a bit, and I already told them I want to set up a consistent therapist, so I can actually create a actual medication schedule and not have to fight Prozac withdrawals cuz I can't afford a visit to get a re-up.


Edit: also realized I'm way less of a scaredy cat than I was. I may get my ass beat, but I've definitely been standing my ground way more recently with transgressions.

I've lived in Colorado for 20 years.

Can't say I've enjoyed my time here. I want to go back out West, except Cali is out of the question unless I'm seriously rich.

Honestly, I'd rather just leave the US entirely.

 

[Puck Beaverton]

I'm wondering if I should tell my parents that I have depression so I can get them off my fucking back about how lazy I am. Edit: Actually I don't believe that it would help telling them, since I'm sure they'll just say I'm making excuses like they do when I bring up my ADHD. Gee, I wonder why I'm filled with so much self-loathing and insecurity when I'm constantly being told that it's my fault.

No I don't give a shit about college.
No I don't give a shit about Valentines Day.
Yes I'm moody and I want to tear the fucking door off its hinges.

Rant done. I'm off to meditate, play guitar, and sleep early.

 

[chronic_archaic]

I'm wondering if I should tell my parents that I have depression so I can get them off my fucking back about how lazy I am.

No I don't give a shit about college.
No I don't give a shit about Valentines Day.
Yes I'm moody and I want to tear the fucking door off its hinges.

Rant done. I'm off to meditate, play guitar, and sleep early.

Depends on the parents - my oldest sister has bipolar depression and so does my mother, so for me it wasn't difficult at all, though my problems are more OCD oriented. I take it yours are the kind who aren't aware of mental illness and how shitty it is. I don't care about college either, even though I'm taking classes. Bad idea. Only doing it so I can prevent having to pay student loans right now. Taking out more student loans. Yeah.

I'm stupid :/

 

[Puck Beaverton]

Depends on the parents - my oldest sister has bipolar depression and so does my mother, so for me it wasn't difficult at all, though my problems are more OCD oriented. I take it yours are the kind who aren't aware of mental illness and how shitty it is. I don't care about college either, even though I'm taking classes. Bad idea. Only doing it so I can prevent having to pay student loans right now. Taking out more student loans. Yeah.

I'm stupid :/

I'm in college to be around people because I got way too isiolated the last couple years. No idea what I want to do, and I don't want a typical 9-5 because that repetitive cycle will kill me.

My mom has all of my problems and still seems to think my lack of focus isn't related to the ADHD and depression. I've been crying daily and I feel close to snapping.

Like I know I'm sounding like an angsty teenager, but fucking hell I can't take much more constant badgering about how it's my fault I'm the mess I am. Leave me the fuck alone.

 

[Choomp]

I need help. I haven't felt this shitty or stuck in my life, but it's genuinely the first time I actually considered killing myself, so I figured I'd come here.

I never gave a fuck about anything up until recently. In High School, I never gave a full effort. I never was socially exertive, and I never valued the things most of my peers did. I immersed myself in shit like GAF. In my Freshman year, every free moment I had was spent watching Game Grumps. People seem to like me, but I pushed them away. And I still kind of do.

The problem is now, that's changed. I feel like I matured a bunch years too late, and the reason is because one of my friends from HS. He's from Japan, and he's the most annoyingly perfect person I've ever met. He's picked up English great, everyone loves him, he has a shit ton of friends, he's traveled all around the world, and he's probably going to go to an awesome school in Japan and study abroad in France at some point. He became my best friend, for some reason he seemed to like me. He came back from Winter break from Japan last year with a gift for me, and we barely spoke. I almost felt obliged to be nice to him. The problem is, I'm so jealous, and that hurts for multiple reasons. I've never cared about this shit. It's not just him, I find myself looking at social media at the people who are at bigger and better colleges and getting jealous. I didn't care about my school at the time, I told my parents wherever they thought was good and was in their best interest would be fine. But now I care, and I feel it's already too fucked on my end to change. I think its because I know I was capable of just as much and just decided not to go after it. My first year of college so far has been all but a wasted year filled with me ignoring and not talking to people and regret it. I try to explain this situation to my Japanese friend but he's either not giving me the sympathy I need(understandable, fuck jealous people) or the language barrier just prevents him from showing complex levels of understanding of what I'm saying. This is definitely whiny non-issues, but I'm being ruined by it. It's left me physically and mentally fucked daily. I've actually been thinking about killing myself. Pls help

 

[beau_beaumont]

Going to see a therapist for the first time tonight (a professional licensed psychologist). Never had any mental health issues but I'm going through a divorce (and there's a 2 year old child involved) and wanted to talk to someone.

Anyway, I have no idea to expect. Any general advice?

From my experience, the first session with a therapist is usually an intake session where they just ask you some general questions and try to understand where you stand emotionally and psychologically. You'll probably have to fill out a questionaire in advance (if you haven't already) and some of the stuff they ask you might seem embarrassing and a bit intrusive. For example, it's not unusual from them to ask questions about how often you drink, whether you abuse drugs, or ask about any history of abuse/being abused.

At first the therapist might seem a little cold and overly clinical, but they are just trying to get as much information about your history as possible in 60 minutes. I definitely didn't like it the first time, and you might not either. However, once the initial intake is out of the way and you establish a rapport with each other, you will start to see the benefits.

Just try to be as honest and open as possible. They are legally and ethically bound to keep what you share with them in confidence. Just go in with an open mind and I'm sure you will start seeing benefits after a few more sessions.

 

[JDHarbs]

Pls help

Everything is going to be okay. It's much better for you to come to this realization now than after you graduate like I did. You have plenty of time to turn things around. Take advantage of your school's resources like counseling, clubs/groups, etc.

Just don't overwhelm yourself. Take one small step at a time.

 

[beau_beaumont]

I'm wondering if I should tell my parents that I have depression so I can get them off my fucking back about how lazy I am. Edit: Actually I don't believe that it would help telling them, since I'm sure they'll just say I'm making excuses like they do when I bring up my ADHD. Gee, I wonder why I'm filled with so much self-loathing and insecurity when I'm constantly being told that it's my fault.

No I don't give a shit about college.
No I don't give a shit about Valentines Day.
Yes I'm moody and I want to tear the fucking door off its hinges.

Rant done. I'm off to meditate, play guitar, and sleep early.

The guitar is a wonderful outlet. I'm glad you play too.

As for your parents, I really believe honesty is the best policy. If your parents are like mine were, they probably don't even know what being depressed means. Many people are clueless when it comes to mental illness because it is treated as such a taboo topic.

I really wish I had been more open with my loved ones in the beginning, and after a while, they'll probably come around. It just takes time. The absolute worst thing for me was keeping all my emotions pent up and hidden for years. Depression is the exact opposite of fire because smothering it will only make it get stronger. It took me years to learn this the hard way.

If your parents aren't receptive initially, that's fine. Come here and vent if you need to. If you are anything like me, you probably feel pretty helpless and alone right now. That couldn't be further from the truth though. You just have to reach out to those around you and you will find you are surrounded by people who care, even if you feel a little vulnerable in doing so. You won't regret it in the end though.

I need help. I haven't felt this shitty or stuck in my life, but it's genuinely the first time I actually considered killing myself, so I figured I'd come here.

I never gave a fuck about anything up until recently. In High School, I never gave a full effort. I never was socially exertive, and I never valued the things most of my peers did. I immersed myself in shit like GAF. In my Freshman year, every free moment I had was spent watching Game Grumps. People seem to like me, but I pushed them away. And I still kind of do.

The problem is now, that's changed. I feel like I matured a bunch years too late, and the reason is because one of my friends from HS. He's from Japan, and he's the most annoyingly perfect person I've ever met. He's picked up English great, everyone loves him, he has a shit ton of friends, he's traveled all around the world, and he's probably going to go to an awesome school in Japan and study abroad in France at some point. He became my best friend, for some reason he seemed to like me. He came back from Winter break from Japan last year with a gift for me, and we barely spoke. I almost felt obliged to be nice to him. The problem is, I'm so jealous, and that hurts for multiple reasons. I've never cared about this shit. It's not just him, I find myself looking at social media at the people who are at bigger and better colleges and getting jealous. I didn't care about my school at the time, I told my parents wherever they thought was good and was in their best interest would be fine. But now I care, and I feel it's already too fucked on my end to change. I think its because I know I was capable of just as much and just decided not to go after it. My first year of college so far has been all but a wasted year filled with me ignoring and not talking to people and regret it. I try to explain this situation to my Japanese friend but he's either not giving me the sympathy I need(understandable, fuck jealous people) or the language barrier just prevents him from showing complex levels of understanding of what I'm saying. This is definitely whiny non-issues, but I'm being ruined by it. It's left me physically and mentally fucked daily. I've actually been thinking about killing myself. Pls help

Dude, I totally understand your plight. I went through a lot of that same stuff when I was in college. I completely understand why you are having suicidal thought. I sure as hell did when I was in your position. It sounds like you have a lot of emotions pent up. PM me if you feel the need to talk to someone or just post on here. I and many others are here to help. You'll get through this and things will start to look up. I promise. Stay safe my friend!

 

[cryptic]

I feel so sick.

This isn't the worst I've felt but I can't handle it anymore.

I realize I don't enjoy anything. I just get feelings of sadness and pain, oft due to ocd, which has.limited my diet, my friends.

It started after high school, I became a dishwasher, I worked as such for eight years, I started experimenting with dieting, exercise, developed bulimia.
I won by finding a diet I accept which is very restricted.
To other people it's so strange.I

I stopped being a dishwasher, became a cook.
At some point I realized I couldn't think too well anymore, like I used to do good in school, and now, I can hardly write.

I reached a low point, six months unemployed, then I found I was now stuttering, using words in the wrong order, just appearing very dumb, and this was after, over the course of eight years doing dishes I noticed something was wrong but then it got worse.
Gradually it kept getting worse and worse, to where I can't even speak a lot of the time, like if someone were to want to hurt me I couldn't scream.
Yesterday I spent all day trying to scream.
I don't even cry anymore, I whimper every night.

Ummm.eventually I found a job in Amherst,MA. I met so many beautiful people with bright future and I thought of how I worked so hard to be going nowhere.
I decided to try and kill myself one night but instead I went to a hospital in Boston.
Following that I was hospitalized several more times, at multiple places, I was homeless twice, I tried to kill myself again, I was cutting a lot and having paranoid delusions.
Sleep was bad and I always get to sleep late as I have no control so if I have to get up early I start to get real sick, like my hair starts falling out.
Oh, well anyway, I said I wanted to quit as everyone hated me, as I thought that then, even though I knew I was wrong.
So I gave my notice but I was so confused.
I went to the woods and used a razor to cut fucked in my arm, but I ended up only carving fuck, and I needed like 30 stitches.
Ummm. The second time I was homeless was after I met a girl, recently, we seemed to be getting along but at some point, she started to be very critical, to basically looking for reasons to throw me away as she wanted to travel.
She's really cool I guess or she really wants to be, so it maybe a delusion but I think she wanted to hurt me, to say she could, like a strong, cool woman.
I was homeless after she left, after I cried a lot, I never contacted her again or even said anything, I needed her but I really want her to be happy.
I keep writing stuff on installation then deleting it as I don't want her to understand how much pain in.
After she left I stopped cutting, except for when I needed to concentrate.
A new feeling came up around the second time I was homeless, an extremely intense feeling of hatred but for my self, like the same feeling you get when you are really, really mad at someone like if someone killed someone you love or whatever.
I felt intensely like I wanted to kill someone but that person was me.
I met a friend, and he sheltered me and I mellowed out as I was sleeping again.
It still hasn't left me though, but now I'm more accepting.
I'm trying to hold on but my brain is so mushy now and so fucked up.

I'm 26 too and I've noticed I've been talking and thinking more like a child, trying to be cute. I keep retreating to memories.
I've cried everyday for so long now.
It's always been tough.
I feel like I've had to fight my whole life.
I keep feeling so many things so intensely it socks.
I have no sense of self, I never had like Kurt kobain.
I watched his do u. Montage of heck and saw where he wrote in his journal that he takes bits and pieces of other people's personalities and uses them to make his own and that's always what I did to.
I'm trying to hold on but I feel like nothing helps stop the intense pain, I can use Cbt without being taught, intuitively, and from having read a few books, but no matter how aware I am the feelings are so overwhelming.
When I get alone I have the same feeling as when someone I deeply know and love is dying.
Oh, and when it's summer, when it's spring, my depression becomes incredible, like now I feel like it's okay to do nothing but in spring and summer I feel like there's so much I should do but every single day is like, wake up, hope to meet someone, go out, waste a day wandering, then I go home and cry, and all I do is try not to cry.
All I want to do is live but I feel so tired like I can't start again, even though I have, I've been fired a lot or quit and I keep feeling like I have nothing left and I make it, but now I feel like there's nothing left.
I feel so weak and helpless.
I don't know how to ask for help, because therapy and hospitalization doesn't help, I need someone, but everyone always seems to leave, and I can't blame them.
Asking someone to care for me is asking them to hurt themselves, and how then could I ask someone to care about me?

Thanks for letting me vent.
I know I'll be fine like always just lots of pain right now.

 

[pigeon interrupted]

I don't know about nibbling per se, but sure Thanks!



lol I've known several women who do this. I'm surprised I don't considering how much I meow at my cat!


In other news, I'm a bit of a coward. My university decided to move all the student services (including the glbt resource center) from center campus to the farthest corner of west campus so that they could build a damn hotel near the football field. This puts it as far away from me as possible so I have to take a bus. Had a lot of time on Thursday and walked up to the bus only to turn around and walk right back to my building. In the end it was a nice walk (lol) but I didn't really accomplish what I set out to do. I find this move especially frustrating because I'm not convinced that I would have gone to the campus mental health services if I couldn't casually walk to it like I did years ago.

Also my cat has been missing since Tuesday. This is the longest he's gone without coming by for food; usually he visits twice a day. I called both local animal shelters and they said he hasn't come in. I'm really kicking myself right now because he has no collar or microchip. I started taking care of him for my sister less than a year ago and she never gave him those things so I didn't think much about it. There really isn't anything stopping someone else from just deciding that he's theirs now and there's no way someone would know to contact me if he dies.

I love that damn cat and I cried like a baby the first time I brought him over and he disappeared for a few days. I don't know what I'll do if he never comes back ;_;

Aww, poor kitteh! Has he come back yet? Some obvious advice: invest in a collar Hope he comes back to you soon.

Hey, next time you'll get on that bus. One day you will get through the doors of the GLBT resource center. I have faith in you. Remember: it's not Mordor.

Spoiler

Maybe take some kind of short sword just in case.

Spoiler

No, really don't take a short sword, I'm just kidding, hon

I feel so sick.

This isn't the worst I've felt but I can't handle it anymore.

I realize I don't enjoy anything. I just get feelings of sadness and pain, oft due to ocd, which has.limited my diet, my friends.

It started after high school, I became a dishwasher, I worked as such for eight years, I started experimenting with dieting, exercise, developed bulimia.
I won by finding a diet I accept which is very restricted.
To other people it's so strange.I

I stopped being a dishwasher, became a cook.
At some point I realized I couldn't think too well anymore, like I used to do good in school, and now, I can hardly write.

I reached a low point, six months unemployed, then I found I was now stuttering, using words in the wrong order, just appearing very dumb, and this was after, over the course of eight years doing dishes I noticed something was wrong but then it got worse.
Gradually it kept getting worse and worse, to where I can't even speak a lot of the time, like if someone were to want to hurt me I couldn't scream.
Yesterday I spent all day trying to scream.
I don't even cry anymore, I whimper every night.

Ummm.eventually I found a job in Amherst,MA. I met so many beautiful people with bright future and I thought of how I worked so hard to be going nowhere.
I decided to try and kill myself one night but instead I went to a hospital in Boston.
Following that I was hospitalized several more times, at multiple places, I was homeless twice, I tried to kill myself again, I was cutting a lot and having paranoid delusions.
Sleep was bad and I always get to sleep late as I have no control so if I have to get up early I start to get real sick, like my hair starts falling out.
Oh, well anyway, I said I wanted to quit as everyone hated me, as I thought that then, even though I knew I was wrong.
So I gave my notice but I was so confused.
I went to the woods and used a razor to cut fucked in my arm, but I ended up only carving fuck, and I needed like 30 stitches.
Ummm. The second time I was homeless was after I met a girl, recently, we seemed to be getting along but at some point, she started to be very critical, to basically looking for reasons to throw me away as she wanted to travel.
She's really cool I guess or she really wants to be, so it maybe a delusion but I think she wanted to hurt me, to say she could, like a strong, cool woman.
I was homeless after she left, after I cried a lot, I never contacted her again or even said anything, I needed her but I really want her to be happy.
I keep writing stuff on installation then deleting it as I don't want her to understand how much pain in.
After she left I stopped cutting, except for when I needed to concentrate.
A new feeling came up around the second time I was homeless, an extremely intense feeling of hatred but for my self, like the same feeling you get when you are really, really mad at someone like if someone killed someone you love or whatever.
I felt intensely like I wanted to kill someone but that person was me.
I met a friend, and he sheltered me and I mellowed out as I was sleeping again.
It still hasn't left me though, but now I'm more accepting.
I'm trying to hold on but my brain is so mushy now and so fucked up.

I'm 26 too and I've noticed I've been talking and thinking more like a child, trying to be cute. I keep retreating to memories.
I've cried everyday for so long now.
It's always been tough.
I feel like I've had to fight my whole life.
I keep feeling so many things so intensely it socks.
I have no sense of self, I never had like Kurt kobain.
I watched his do u. Montage of heck and saw where he wrote in his journal that he takes bits and pieces of other people's personalities and uses them to make his own and that's always what I did to.
I'm trying to hold on but I feel like nothing helps stop the intense pain, I can use Cbt without being taught, intuitively, and from having read a few books, but no matter how aware I am the feelings are so overwhelming.
When I get alone I have the same feeling as when someone I deeply know and love is dying.
Oh, and when it's summer, when it's spring, my depression becomes incredible, like now I feel like it's okay to do nothing but in spring and summer I feel like there's so much I should do but every single day is like, wake up, hope to meet someone, go out, waste a day wandering, then I go home and cry, and all I do is try not to cry.
All I want to do is live but I feel so tired like I can't start again, even though I have, I've been fired a lot or quit and I keep feeling like I have nothing left and I make it, but now I feel like there's nothing left.
I feel so weak and helpless.
I don't know how to ask for help, because therapy and hospitalization doesn't help, I need someone, but everyone always seems to leave, and I can't blame them.
Asking someone to care for me is asking them to hurt themselves, and how then could I ask someone to care about me?

Thanks for letting me vent.
I know I'll be fine like always just lots of pain right now.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough life, Matt. I've spent a couple of cold nights on the street, self-imposed homelessness, and I feel for you. Try not to let that happen to you again. The way you are describing the symptoms that you are having sounds like you may need some kind of medical intervention. Are you on any medication atm which could cause these symptoms? I'm not too familiar with how US health system works, I'm afraid, but don't give up on seeking a treatment that could help your situation. Keep fighting for something better: you can turn things around.

I know what it's like to feel lonely and toxic. They are feelings I have to deal with intermittently, along with a whole host of others. There is nothing wrong with a good cry-unless you're like me and end up not being able to breathe, haha. Just try to use that time to reflect and try to move on from those feelings and come up with some positive ideas for yourself. Take care.

Valentines Day. Not much else to say really, apart from argh. I had a dream last night, one of those ones where it feels like years pass. I was happy, independent, and in love. Then I woke up and it's Valentines Day and I'm alone and poor. And it's my friend's funeral today, RIP George. Stay strong everybody *hugs*

 

[neojubei]

Valentines day. i wish i stayed home today.

 

[NandoGip]

So I've always had a recurring feeling of disappointment in myself, and even though I don't feel it daily anymore, when it hits me, it hits me very hard. I was deeply depressed to the point of delusion up to maybe the middle of last year, and since then I've been in a pretty decent place mentally.

I've been considering going to a therapist lately but when my mind is in a good place it's so hard for me to even describe the feeling.

Plus just thinking about talking about my anxiety and depression, gives me anxiety and depression! It's been my secret for so long that I don't even know where to begin.

I wanted to know what have been your experiences if there is anyone that can relate

 

[brianjones]

so my psychologist told me today i should move away from my mom because we have an unhealthy co-dependant enabling relationship.. we get along well but thats part of the problem that keeps me living here.. she doesn't have any kind of life outside of me

he's right but considering i can't find a freaking job right now I'm not sure where i would go.. i do have quite a bit of money saved up but without a job its just going to depleted.. i don't have any other family i can turn to.

 

[redlegs87]

so my psychologist told me today i should move away from my mom because we have an unhealthy co-dependant enabling relationship.. we get along well but thats part of the problem that keeps me living here.. she doesn't have any kind of life outside of me

he's right but considering i can't find a freaking job right now I'm not sure where i would go.. i do have quite a bit of money saved up but without a job its just going to depleted.. i don't have any other family i can turn to.

Dealing with family and any kind of unhealthy relationship is a tough thing to traverse. Me and my mom have a fairly long history of a fucked up relationship that isn't good for the either of us until recently. I've been trying to correct course and change my habits and in turn hopefully hers. I know it's not my place and I could leave if I wanted but I would feel like garbage and I am like you are with yours the only real point of contact with people my mom currently has. I hope with whatever you end up doing that it is for the better of the both of you two.

 

[YesManKablaam]

Had to quit my shift at work early yesterday, couldn't stop crying. Spent 45 minutes cycling through parks weeping, didn't stop when I got in. Hasn't really stopped today, cancelled my shift later as I know I won't be able to make it through.

Things are still looking optimistic going forward, but the sadness still hits me daily. This isn't the life I wanted, and trying to adjust to that feels like a losing endeavour.

Keep on fighting, hope that I can properly pull through at the other side. Can't help but feel that I'm wasting away so much of my life, these last eight months have pushed me to my limits and I can never get that time back. Grief/mourning is a process we all deal with in individual ways, and I guess mine is just going to take that little bit longer.

 

[SephiZack]

I was diagnosed with mixed anxiety depressive disorder 3 years ago. It went away on its own after some months, but since last month I started feeling like I might be going through a relapse. I started talking about it to other people yesterday and it became worse. My parents (typical asian stereotype) think I am just being lazy and playing too many videogames and should study more and do sports; they don't understand how could someone feel tired of living and stuff, they just think it's a stupid thing I'm saying. My sister told me that I am leeching money from my parents and my choice is either to study more or work.

Talking to them has just made the situation worse. Only my girlfriend is trying to be supportive.
One hour ago I just started crying out of nowhere and couldn't stop. I think I might go see my GP tomorrow and ask for advice.

Just wanted to write this to get it out of my chest, I have been accumulating lots of pressure lately

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

For more info on the history of mental healthcare in America you should check out Mad in America by Robert Whitaker.

That book is hot garbage and outdated. One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest was bad enough. Mad in America condemns a whole branch of medicine.No wonder this book was lauded by Scientologists.

One might think that the advent of antipsychotic drugs (starting with chlorpromazine, in 1954) would have marked the beginning of a more positive chapter in the history of American psychiatry. Not so, at least in the author's eyes. He regards American treatment regimens involving the use of antipsychotic drugs as no less disabling and brutal than the methods used in earlier times. Although there may be truth in the notion that dosages of antipsychotic drugs in the United States are higher than necessary, the author weakens his position by issuing continuous and unrelenting condemnations (for instance, ”The Nuremberg Code doesn't apply here"), despite a dearth of evidence to support them. How can he be so certain that persons with Kraepelin's schizophrenia in fact suffered from encephalitis lethargica and that therefore today the outcome of the disease is seen in an unnecessarily gloomy light? Indeed, finding normal levels of dopamine in the cerebrospinal fluid of persons with unmedicated schizophrenia does not support the ”dopamine hypothesis," but to call it ”a bald-faced lie" is simplistic reasoning. It is true that blocking dopamine receptors often leads to akathisia (an irresistible urge to move), but what is proved by citing (without naming the authors) a study in which 79 percent of mentally ill patients who had tried to kill themselves suffered from akathisia? Or by citing one in which 50 percent of all fights on a psychiatric ward involved patients who suffered from akathisia? And what point is made by telling the sad story of a female patient who was eventually found murdered in Central Park? Or by recounting the story of fraudulent psychiatrists who made money by entering nonexistent patients into well-funded pharmaceutical trials? Such criminal behavior has occurred in other specialties and does not by definition disprove the efficacy of the drugs being studied.

Similarly, the author tries to prove his point that neuroleptic drugs make patients worse, rather than better, by repeatedly comparing series of treated and untreated patients from different institutions, with inherent differences in referral patterns and severity of illness. It is precisely for such weaknesses of design that he chides the industry-driven clinical trials that introduced ”atypical" antipsychotic agents such as risperidone and olanzapine. Rightly so, but by this time critical readers will have lost faith in the author's arguments. Although the author is widely read on the subject, the facts are largely arranged to suit his prejudice, especially in the chapters on drug treatment. American psychiatric institutions may have their failings in the current management of patients with schizophrenia, but they deserve better critics.

http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJM200206273462620#t=article

I keep reading comments from people wondering how anyone could possibly support Donald J. Trump. Fact checking his statements demonstrates how wrong he is on much of what he says. And then there are the numerous comparisons of statements that he makes that contradict each other.

Not so surprising, sadly enough, when we look at the people who believe what Robert Whitaker and the anti-psychiatry movement believe.

Put simply, Whitaker and the Mad in America anti-psychiatry folks are adamant that anti-psychotic medication for schizophrenia makes people sick and shortens their lives. Research fails to support these contentions but they persist and the data is ignored. The two latest studies provide overwhelming evidence that anti-psychotics help -- but more on that in a moment..

Anti-Psychiatry Folks Cannot Ignore That Medication Saves Lives

Bad Pharma by Ben Goldachre is much more critical view on practices by the pharmaceutical industry

 

[Joqu]

Hey, uh, I feel pretty weird about posting this here or well, anywhere, and fuck if I know if it'll help, but at the very least it'll be some sort of venting so I guess that's okay. I hope I don't bother anyone by posting this here though. And I'm not a native English speaker, so I do apologize for any awkwardness.

20 year old guy here. I've dealt with depression, stress and anxiety and all that stuff for quite some time now, but you know, it's pretty standard stuff really. Now, the later years of high school were especially hell for me for a variety of reasons that I feel aren't the most important to share here but basically think a whole lot of physical health problems that caused me to miss huge chunks of school, the depression & anxiety nonsense and a good amount of social awkwardness. I finished at 18 with results that were way above anything anyone was expecting at that point, but I can't say I felt particularly good about that.

The important thing there is that my final year was REALLY really bad, and instead of immediately moving on to college I felt like I really needed a break afterwards to sort some shit out. Now this was supposed to be a year long break but well, it's february '17 now so it's clearly going to become a two year one. My doctor and a counselor were pretty postive about this too, although I imagine they didn't envision something this long term. :/

And my mother has been cool enough to go along with this, probably because she experienced what kind of a mess I was in 2015 first-hand. I'm quite thankful for that really. And do I regret it? Well, I actually feel like it has helped me a lot, because I'd say I'm doing better, especially on the physical side (although I'm by no means free of problems there either... :L ). Not great, but better. I didn't sort out as much as I would have liked to so that's unfortunate, but while it's hard for me to not consider it wasted time, but looking back at how things were I suppose I shouldn't be too harsh on myself.

But. The past few weeks have been different. Really, maybe it's because things improved somewhat and I've got a different outlook on certain things now. But I've basically realized I've got zero friends. It's not a matter of realization really, this isn't something up to debate. I straight up don't have a single person around me outside of my mother and sister, who're pretty supportive, but that's family. That's it. No friends in years, no one I can get into contact with. And all of a sudden this has become extremely distressing to me.

And it's not like I've been a complete and utter shut-in. Not by my standards! I go outside plenty. Especially to take long walks, but I've done some bar visits even if I absolutely dread those, I've done some volunteer work. But I am complete and utter rubbish at the whole being social thing and I guess I'm just not capable of accomplishing some simple stuff there?

This would have been a whole lot easier if I had felt the need to actually meet people back at school, really. I don't get how people do it.

Anyway, it's not something I feel particularly good about but I suppose I've been considered gifted in the past. College shouldn't be an issue as long as my body goes along and I don't miss whole months again. So maybe that'll help. Someday. But I don't know. I honestly don't know how to approach any of this. All of a sudden I'm feeling incredibly lonely, with no one to talk to, but I don't even know where to begin here. I guess I'm young, right? That's something. Hah... I at least used to have people I would talk with online but even those are gone nowadays.

Honestly, I really felt like things were going pretty okay, but it's not feeling that way at all anymore. I was crying an hour ago and it's been a long time since that last happened. At least that's over now, crying isn't going to do me much good here. Fuck

... Not sure why I'd even share any of this here though. This isn't like me. Sorry.

 

[Lemaitre]

Had another appointment today with my therapist. I told him about how I've been feeling with the medication and he was happy to know that both meds have had a positive effect on me so far. We also did an EMDR session about my divorce with my ex-wife. I gotta say that I feel much better about the divorce after the session. I had never heard about EMDR before but it has really done wonders for the two major traumatic events I've suffered.

... Not sure why I'd even share any of this here though. This isn't like me. Sorry.

No need to apologize for explaining your situation. This thread lets anyone air out their emotions and current mental state so don't feel terrible about expressing yourself. In this thread I've gone from mustering the strength to contact a therapist, to consulting with a psychiatrist and obtaining medication for the first time in my life, to actually seeing benefits from both therapy & medication.

It's really helped me to air out my grievances and feelings in here, and also to speak with others in similar situations. It has been one part of getting the help that I wanted but wasn't sure on how to achieve.

With regards to your depression what medications have you taken? Also you can try to make friends through volunteer groups, support groups, or meetup groups if you have any in your area.

 

[JDHarbs]

I'm trying to work up the motivation to go to a support group tomorrow. I emailed the leader about some concerns I had and they seemed welcoming in their response which was nice. I want to go, but the only thing really holding me back is my parents. I don't want them to know that I am going because they aren't very supportive of these things, and will just try to talk me out of it. That's a conversation I'd rather avoid. My Dad will just think I'm being weak and will try to convince me that it's stupid while my Mom is paranoid and will go along with what my Dad says just to convince me (herself) that nothing is wrong with me.

 

[redlegs87]

I'm trying to work up the motivation to go to a support group tomorrow. I emailed the leader about some concerns I had and they seemed welcoming in their response which was nice. I want to go, but the only thing really holding me back is my parents. I don't want them to know that I am going because they aren't very supportive of these things, and will just try to talk me out of it. That's a conversation I'd rather avoid. My Dad will just think I'm being weak and will try to convince me that it's stupid while my Mom is paranoid and will go along with what my Dad says just to convince me (herself) that nothing is wrong with me.

Sometimes you just can't help what others will do or think. Just don't tell them about it and do your own thing.

 

[BossRush]

I don't know if I'm actually depressed. I have a lot of times when I'm happy and enjoying yself but then I have times like right now when I'm laying in bed crying

 

[Puck Beaverton]

I don't know if I'm actually depressed. I have a lot of times when I'm happy and enjoying yself but then I have times like right now when I'm laying in bed crying

I mean, if you're in tears you probably have some kind of depression.

I guess it also depends on what you're crying about.

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

I don't know if I'm actually depressed. I have a lot of times when I'm happy and enjoying yself but then I have times like right now when I'm laying in bed crying

Of course you should see a professional for a complete screening, but these online tools can help.

http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=education_screeningcenter_depression

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/mental-health-screening-tools

 

[Lemaitre]

I'm trying to work up the motivation to go to a support group tomorrow..

Definitely just go!

My parents would have reacted the same way to me attending a support group so I just told them I was hanging out with friends, which I sorta was...

Do definitely go though, support groups have helped me immensely. Therapy & medications are great but speaking with people who may share common ailments is invaluable.

I don't know if I'm actually depressed. I have a lot of times when I'm happy and enjoying yself but then I have times like right now when I'm laying in bed crying

Along with Aficinado's links above I would start to track your mood changes throughout your day/week/month. I currently use two apps, one is Daylio & the other is the DBSA Tracker. The latter is much more extensive so if you just want a faster way go with Daylio. Emotions range from rad to awful on Daylio and it has been super useful to track my mood swings. It's a shame I didn't do it sooner actually.

 

[cryptic]

Aww, poor kitteh! Has he come back yet? Some obvious advice: invest in a collar Hope he comes back to you soon.

Hey, next time you'll get on that bus. One day you will get through the doors of the GLBT resource center. I have faith in you. Remember: it's not Mordor.

Spoiler

Maybe take some kind of short sword just in case.

Spoiler

No, really don't take a short sword, I'm just kidding, hon

I'm sorry you've had such a tough life, Matt. I've spent a couple of cold nights on the street, self-imposed homelessness, and I feel for you. Try not to let that happen to you again. The way you are describing the symptoms that you are having sounds like you may need some kind of medical intervention. Are you on any medication atm which could cause these symptoms? I'm not too familiar with how US health system works, I'm afraid, but don't give up on seeking a treatment that could help your situation. Keep fighting for something better: you can turn things around.

I know what it's like to feel lonely and toxic. They are feelings I have to deal with intermittently, along with a whole host of others. There is nothing wrong with a good cry-unless you're like me and end up not being able to breathe, haha. Just try to use that time to reflect and try to move on from those feelings and come up with some positive ideas for yourself. Take care.

Valentines Day. Not much else to say really, apart from argh. I had a dream last night, one of those ones where it feels like years pass. I was happy, independent, and in love. Then I woke up and it's Valentines Day and I'm alone and poor. And it's my friend's funeral today, RIP George. Stay strong everybody *hugs*

Hey, thank you so much for taking the time to make sense of what I wrote.
My brain is broken lately.

I have been to therapists I think the only help which helps is hugs and love otherwise I get no feeling, I get no feeling from anything just pain, bouts of manic happiness.

That socks you can't cry, I couldn't once, I think 'cos I would always hold it in for too long, and it was the worst feeling when I wanted to cry and was unable.
Sorry to twist it about me but sorry.

It sounds like a beautiful dream, the romantic type, I love those.
It sucks so much to be poor, me too, it's like you get shown the world and then you're told you're not to have any part of it.
Sorry about your friend too, fuck, I can't imagine but I'm so sensitive to everything.

Take care of yourself too.*hugs*

 

[Joqu]

No need to apologize for explaining your situation. This thread lets anyone air out their emotions and current mental state so don't feel terrible about expressing yourself. In this thread I've gone from mustering the strength to contact a therapist, to consulting with a psychiatrist and obtaining medication for the first time in my life, to actually seeing benefits from both therapy & medication.

It's really helped me to air out my grievances and feelings in here, and also to speak with others in similar situations. It has been one part of getting the help that I wanted but wasn't sure on how to achieve.

With regards to your depression what medications have you taken? Also you can try to make friends through volunteer groups, support groups, or meetup groups if you have any in your area.

Thanks. I honestly don't feel that great about writing that post, but I should really leave it as is. I'm no good at sharing this kind of stuff so I guess an online forum is a start. Funny how feelings change day to day though. I wouldn't have written it like that today. Well, evenings are when things get bad anyway.

This is honestly a whole different can of worms but while I was diagnosed in high school I've never been on any medication. My mother has always been against them and the doctor was hesitant to prescribe any to a young person anyway at the time. That was quite a few years ago by now, at this point I'm sure I could get that changed, but I'm already on a variety of meds as is and I'm not too eager to add any more to that.

But yeah, I've dabbled in volunteer groups but that hasn't really changed the situation. I don't know about support groups here, I'll look into it, but the meetup groups didn't appeal to me in the slightest. Not that much choice here, really. :s

 

[A Fish Aficionado]

Along with Aficinado's links above I would start to track your mood changes throughout your day/week/month. I currently use two apps, one is Daylio & the other is the DBSA Tracker. The latter is much more extensive so if you just want a faster way go with Daylio. Emotions range from rad to awful on Daylio and it has been super useful to track my mood swings. It's a shame I didn't do it sooner actually.

Oh, wow. I have never heard of these apps. Thanks for that!

 

[wordballoons]

Depression sucks. I ended a two year relationship, went in to a three month one, and then got dumped and lost my job the same day about two weeks ago. My best friend got a new girlfriend and has been ghosting my ass since, too.

I start a new, shittier job tomorrow, and graduate school in the fall, so I have shit to keep me occupied, but it's hard to not push away suicidal thoughts atm. All I want to do is sleep

 

[Dipper145]

Sending this message from homewood where I'm getting ECT treatments for my depression. So i'm going to be spending the next 2-3 weeks here at least, and more likely 4 weeks. I'm here voluntarily, even though my psychiatrist got me here through involtunary stuff. I'm so thankful that everything is covered by OHIP.

Had my first treatment yesterday, and they literally just put you out and then you wake up with a little bit of a fuzzy memory and confusion. But it only lasted for like an hour and was probably from anasthetic. Of course more memory issues might come up during further treatments. Have a M-W-F treatment schedule for 12 treatments.

I've gone through so many different medications, research studies, and treatments. I'm really hoping that this works as it's essentially my last option.

The people here are super nice and friendly too, and the food isn't even so bad. If anyone is interested in more personal ECT experiences I'll be glad to post more as I get more treatments.

just tried to access humblebundle.com but got blocked on the computers at this place because it contains "gaming content" so maybe neogaf will get banned soon, in which case I won't post updates.

 

[redlegs87]

I just can't shake this depression as even though I know things are relatively on a upward tick in my life. Going to work keeps my mind occupied for a good chunk of the day so I don't have time to think about anything depressing at work. Now when I get home and have down time is when the thoughts creep into my head and just nag at me. Often times I'll deal with the thoughts but sometimes there are just way to many for me to digest and get through. Often times I'll read, watch videos or listen to music while browsing the web to keep my mind occupied.

The most worrying thing is as of late the thoughts that something is wrong with me physically have crept their way back into my mind. Before I went to therapy and got on meds and found this job what kept me from doing anything was a fear of things being constantly wrong with me or that if I left something would happen or I'd catch something. Every now and then but more frequently lately if I feel something like a twitch or just anything really I over think it and spiral into so many different directions as to what is wrong with me. If I can't reign it in I'll be bringing it up to my therapist and psychiatrist.

Anyway how is everyone else doing? Anyone got any positive things to share?

Depression sucks. I ended a two year relationship, went in to a three month one, and then got dumped and lost my job the same day about two weeks ago. My best friend got a new girlfriend and has been ghosting my ass since, too.

I start a new, shittier job tomorrow, and graduate school in the fall, so I have shit to keep me occupied, but it's hard to not push away suicidal thoughts atm. All I want to do is sleep

I am sorry to hear a bout all this happening in what seems like such a short span. Glad you could bounce back and get a job fairly quick after losing the last one. I can't really commiserate about the whole breaking up with another person as I haven't really been in a relationship but I am sure you'll find someone that will gel with you.

 

[Megalosaro]

I estimate that 70-80% of my thoughts are probably some sort of self-negative or self harm.

I haven't hurt myself, but the thoughts are comforting. The best I can describe it is its like a bully is picking on me. I get to be the bully and the victim.

 

[JDHarbs]

I didn't go to the support group, but they meet every week so I'll try to muster up the courage next Thursday.

I feel like such a coward. I'm so afraid of the outside world that I can't even get myself help. Why am I like this? I'm missing out on everything in life.