ISWThunder - This Augmented Life
Creative concept. Seems like the start of a longer piece. It is a little difficult to follow all the scene changes (transitions? cuts?), but the dreaminess may be intended. Krystina reacts abruptly (after being betrayed a single time, asking "how can I trust anyone?"). The technology you've imagined opens a lot of possibilities, and I can imagine many stories springing out of it, exploring and explaining it.
More_Badass - A Dead Place
You portray a strong, driven character. What is his motivation? You provide some great detail about your setting, and emphasize the stout determination of your MC, but we never get to see why he's struggling, or what he's trying to attain. Motivation is the missing puzzle piece, and could do a lot to flesh out the context and make the story less cryptic. If we are meant to root for this guy, it is best to show us more of who he is, and what's at stake.
Rock And Roll - Mercy Kill
Creative ending. May be stronger without the first letter. I would like to see more internal conflict from Patrick, and less or maybe less immediate crying from Ryan. Patrick is a good guy and performs a noble act, but taking a life is still a heavy job. Without that internal conflict the external conflict does not resonate as it could. You've set up a powerful event, and it only needs a little more oomph to really hit us.
Aaron - The World Sleeps
Well, you've put a lot at stake here. "The end of the world" is about as big as it gets. I don't grasp the full context of Liana's dowsing or the transition to the city. Is she dying? ("... finally released her selfish need for survival....") Is this a dream world? History? Is it the underground "buried far below"? I am not sold on her criticism of Fovil (good name, by the way): she chastises him for "ruining" her plan (again, not sure what this is), by exposing her as being different, when just moments before she was behaving as conspicuously as possible. I'm curious about why she says, "you ruined this
for me," as if she has some personal stake in the act or outcome, higher or more important than saving the world.
Neeener - Red
I appreciate this being more experimental than the typical story. Italics clearly distinguish dream state from reality. I am not sure what is going on, or why it would aid in achieving a peak state, but the name of the machine seems somehow important, like it is the last piece that needs snapped in for us to finish the jigsaw and understand. If I am understanding correctly, Sam is wearing some kind of device in which she is able to quantify her meditation, and is satisfied when she reaches peace. I am not sure who
the voice is, or why Sam keeps getting sucked into a dialogue with Tom. When she says, "I can't stay here," is she speaking literally? I did not know if this was a conversation that had previously happened, or if it was imagined, or if it was a realization by Sam that happened to coincide with her attempt to meditate.
Mike M - Three Apples
Enjoyable read. Great dialogue, strongly drawn characters. Solid setting. Clear action. Easy to picture it all. It's a very low-key, simple story, but uses this to focus on its strongest aspect, the relationship between Peter and Jacob.
FlowersisBritish - The First Week
Autobiographical? Seems personal. I would like to see more conflict. There is some, with the broken arm, but the inconveniences seem slight, and it doesn't quite get resolved. Where is
Iago? What is at risk by having a broken arm? What is there to lose? An antagonizing force or moment of realization would make the story feel more complete. The detail about the MC's body odor is great—keep that.
Sethista - Search for Beauty
Neat ending. Gives us a good reason to appreciate this character, and the description of her. It provides good context for what we're hearing. Why was Selene so against putting in the luxury resort? I know there was a park placed there instead, but mightn't it have helped this village to have the steady income a resort might have provided? The builders even seem intent on giving back to the community. I am unclear why she fights against them so staunchly. A nice bonus of your POV: it gives us a good picture of the speaker without ever needing to describe him directly.
Sober - Picking Up The Pieces
A screenplay, nice. Is this the complete story? Seems to be just picking up. Prompts a lot of questions in the second half. I can imagine the intrigue translating well to screen. "Half-creature, half-man" does not work for me. What kind of creature do you intend this to be? "Creature" as a vague response might work in a normal short, but it doesn't pop in a screenplay. I'm glad you submitted a screenplay, and was hoping to see one since I started reading the writing challenge entries a few weeks ago.
Cyan - Open Source Magic
Great setting and characters. Impressive how quickly you set the stage. There is a lot we need to know for this to work: magic exists, there are conflicting wizarding factions, runes can impart inanimate objects with magical properties, the strength of a wand depends on what materials it is made from, etc. You don't dwell on anything for too long, which keeps us swept up in the action. An exciting short, for sure. Seems like it begs for more, however. It wants to be longer than it is and asks for subsequent chapters. I especially liked the distinction between open sourced and licensed magic, and I'd love to see that idea explored.
Ashes - Sailing at the weekend
I like these types of personal confessionals. Even when the story is ostensibly about someone else (the mother), we are getting just as much if not more about the speaker (the daughter). Your ending is great. Those last two lines tie it all together. I want more detail about the mom's choice to keep her daughter. I almost always feel let down by a narrator who says "I won't go into detail," especially when what's being discussed is so interesting. "So I shan’t even try to describe in detail here. She didn’t go into much detail either." This seemed like the most crucial point in the story. We've been inflating this rooftop gorilla balloon and it seems just about there, just about upright, we see the whites of his teeth about to bare... and then the air gets let out. Your relationship between the two characters is still strong, but the abortion seems like the best opportunity to give us more detail and to escalate the stakes within the conflict. Don't look away. Don't be too kind to these people.
izunadono - You Weren't Supposed to Find Us
Your introduction grabbed me enough I wanted to see how we got there. I want to see more of Merissa's sense of humor. Pompous knows she's funny, and we see her be funny in a couple of small ways, but humor seems important enough to her personality that it should come through more often, or more predominantly. She's a nice character for sure, agreeable, kind, and selfless. Might be good to show more of her history, or her perspective on things. Right now we seem closest to Pompous, and outside of the beginning and end are too detached from Merissa to get fully in her head. Allow the ending to breathe a little longer. This piece requires some set up and is tough to get going within 2000 words. The idea is solid, could maybe use a little more explanation on why Merissa specifically is chosen for this mission, interesting enough to go on a while longer and show us more of the opposition. We know the stakes are high, and that something must be done. Why does Nic say he'd rather no one go? These little exchanges could be fleshed out to give us a clearer view of the world. The relationship between Nic and Pompous is a great foundation, but if you strain it (ie put one or the other at some kind of risk), it could become even greater.
Nezumi - Waste
How oppressive. Within three paragraphs I'm nodding, that's no man's land alright. Your ending gives us paradise and then slugs us, and it can be no other way. Well-drawn characters, with a reason to fight. Stakes are clear, conflict is well resolved. This is a nice self-contained story, feels complete. The first couple of pages might even be cut shorter without losing much. You push down on Mani and let us know how hard the world is, but we get that over time. It comes through all the way to the end and the front-loaded detail slows us from getting to the action. Paru's rebuke covers a lot of the same ground as your set-up, and is also more involving than dry exposition. I thought the ending was great, and the silence gives us a sense of finality and peace, at the same time as it warns us man is not welcome on this earth any longer.
Charade - Mirrors
Unique setting and situation. I am not totally clear on what is going in this harem, as it seems to double as some kind of school. The Emperor's horrific supernatural power seals him as a despot by the end, but until he unveils it he doesn't seem like such a bad guy. Maybe sprinkling some tyrannical crumbs earlier would make his act ring more truly. It's not that I don't believe it (this is a harem, after all; I wouldn't expect it kept by someone of upstanding moral fiber), but that I am not suspicious enough of him or made uneasy enough that I totally appreciate the sudden mercilessness of the killing. I want him to creep me out more. Master Artak seems nice, anyway, and gives no hint as to the Emperor's intentions. You do a good job showing Dehzi's relationship with the guard. It might even be amplified if kept more subtle. I am curious about Artak's delineation between gods and demons, and take it this is the introduction to something longer.
Tangent - World Ten, Episode Three
Hilarious concept. Beckettian and wry. I enjoyed it a lot, and wish only Ebenezer had less restraint. I want to see some frustration here as the purgatorial middleman (he is, after all, stuck there himself as long as these folks don't comply). I wasn't sure what significance the discordant sounds have. Eb creates them to catch the souls' attention, but they keep resurfacing in a way that seems to indicate something else. I love how casual God is, sounds like he's on the phone with a beer in his left hand, burping between sentences and watching the big game. The souls are background noise, not differentiated or even significant, but that seems intentional. I'd like to see Eb suffer more. He is the most interesting character here but doesn't go through much of a change.
It's been a long time since I sat down and wrote more than a few notes. I've been meaning to for almost a year now. I'm going to try sticking with these threads, seems a good source of accountability. Now for some organizing...