The Divide Between Shallow and Deep
1897 words
1897 words
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #169 - "Ouroboros"
- Thread starter FlowersisBritish
- Start date
- Status
Anachronauts
Usual password
Usual password
I hold his tail within my jaws. Cold, slimy, repellent. I dare not loose my hold: far away, farther than an ocean tide, my enemy has hold of my own tail. If he looses me, if his hold slackens, I will be on him in a moment. I will crush him, I will rend him, from one end to the other. The seas will churn with his death rattle.
If I loose him, I doubt not that he will do the same to me.
Our struggle has lasted through all my memory, to the roots of Yggdrasil and beyond. Neither of us has given ground. Neither of us will let go.
I am tempted, at times, to bite down harder. To lacerate his flesh. To crunch his tail between my jaws. But every time I give in, every time I bite down, he inevitably retaliates. He waits a time, long enough that I think I might be winning, that the pain I am causing him will not be answered in kind. And then he does to me what I have done to him. I struggle to escape his bite, to no avail.
At time I grow hopeless. To what end this bitter struggle? We have fought for a time beyond recall, we will fight until the world grows old and bent. Neither will give, neither will cry peace.
But I know it is not forever. The world is not forever. There will come a time when all ends. All bonds broken. All ties cut. The oceans will boil, the skies burn. And our struggle will cease. There will come a moment, there must come a moment, when my enemy and I release one another. Nothing can last forever.
And so I remain. I keep hold. And I wait for Ragnarok.
If I loose him, I doubt not that he will do the same to me.
Our struggle has lasted through all my memory, to the roots of Yggdrasil and beyond. Neither of us has given ground. Neither of us will let go.
I am tempted, at times, to bite down harder. To lacerate his flesh. To crunch his tail between my jaws. But every time I give in, every time I bite down, he inevitably retaliates. He waits a time, long enough that I think I might be winning, that the pain I am causing him will not be answered in kind. And then he does to me what I have done to him. I struggle to escape his bite, to no avail.
At time I grow hopeless. To what end this bitter struggle? We have fought for a time beyond recall, we will fight until the world grows old and bent. Neither will give, neither will cry peace.
But I know it is not forever. The world is not forever. There will come a time when all ends. All bonds broken. All ties cut. The oceans will boil, the skies burn. And our struggle will cease. There will come a moment, there must come a moment, when my enemy and I release one another. Nothing can last forever.
And so I remain. I keep hold. And I wait for Ragnarok.
False alarm. No baby yet. I think I'm going to stubbornly stick with stories no matter WHAT! Even if it means submitting something for the sake of submission! (Well, I'll try not to do that normally since that would a pain for you all to read...)
IDK if this counts, since it's a bit past submission time....
"Thought Patterns" (1925 words)
IDK if this counts, since it's a bit past submission time....
"Thought Patterns" (1925 words)
I sure hope it counts! I'm still finishing mine up
I think they usually count up to six hours past the deadline! And yay for sticking with it! 
Your link isn't working. Looks like your personal link instead of the sharing one.
I really need to work on my time management. I mean, don't get me wrong it has always been rather bad, but lately it has transformed into abysmal to nonexistent. Well anyway, quick and dirty entry for this one.
Eternal Battle (462 words)
Camerol di Minolari walked down the stoney stairs and with each descending step the urge to turn around got bigger and bigger. But turning around was not an option, he had postponed it too long already. He took a deep breath, fastened the grip on the handle, the smooth wood slick from his sweaty palms, and took on the last few steps.
He came to a stop in front of a wooden door and for a brief moment his determination quavered. He could do this another day. It didn't have to be today.
No, he had already said that last week and the week before that, it had to be now or never.
He opened the door and was greeted by a cold gush of stale air, finally able to escape its prison. Camerol fidgeted around in his pockets until he found a small, worn out packet of matches. He lit the lantern hanging next to the doorway and looked around the now dimly illuminated room.
He let out a deep sigh. He had hoped against hope that maybe this time it would have been different, that maybe last time he had come down here he had done everything right. But a quick glance over shelves and shelves filled with assorted memorabilia of at least three generations, showed him that his hopes had been in vain.
"So you are back," Camerol announced to the room his voice resigned and weary.
The room answered with a dry giggle.
Of course I'm back. You really thought you'd get rid of me?
"I had hoped that..."
There is no getting rid of me! Never! No matter how often you banish me, the moment you turn around I'm already back. I creep in from every corner and with every little breath of air. I am everywhere and all the time. I was here before you and I'll still be here long after you are gone. You can keep fighting me, but the more you fight me the stronger I return. Why don't you just accept the inevitable now. Because one day I'll get you too, you know. It doesn't matter if it is today or in fifty years. I'm patient.
For a few moments Camerol thought of giving in. Maybe it was true? Maybe this really wasn't a battle worth fighting. He let his eyes wander over the shelves. Old jars with unknown contents, rows and rows of books, boxes and trunks, baskets and bottles. So many lifetimes cramped into a single small space.
He shook his head. "No, I can't let you invade what is mine. And if I have to push you back again and again, ... so I will."
And with that, Camerol stormed towards the first shelf, swinging his feather duster furiously.
Eternal Battle (462 words)
Camerol di Minolari walked down the stoney stairs and with each descending step the urge to turn around got bigger and bigger. But turning around was not an option, he had postponed it too long already. He took a deep breath, fastened the grip on the handle, the smooth wood slick from his sweaty palms, and took on the last few steps.
He came to a stop in front of a wooden door and for a brief moment his determination quavered. He could do this another day. It didn't have to be today.
No, he had already said that last week and the week before that, it had to be now or never.
He opened the door and was greeted by a cold gush of stale air, finally able to escape its prison. Camerol fidgeted around in his pockets until he found a small, worn out packet of matches. He lit the lantern hanging next to the doorway and looked around the now dimly illuminated room.
He let out a deep sigh. He had hoped against hope that maybe this time it would have been different, that maybe last time he had come down here he had done everything right. But a quick glance over shelves and shelves filled with assorted memorabilia of at least three generations, showed him that his hopes had been in vain.
"So you are back," Camerol announced to the room his voice resigned and weary.
The room answered with a dry giggle.
Of course I'm back. You really thought you'd get rid of me?
"I had hoped that..."
There is no getting rid of me! Never! No matter how often you banish me, the moment you turn around I'm already back. I creep in from every corner and with every little breath of air. I am everywhere and all the time. I was here before you and I'll still be here long after you are gone. You can keep fighting me, but the more you fight me the stronger I return. Why don't you just accept the inevitable now. Because one day I'll get you too, you know. It doesn't matter if it is today or in fifty years. I'm patient.
For a few moments Camerol thought of giving in. Maybe it was true? Maybe this really wasn't a battle worth fighting. He let his eyes wander over the shelves. Old jars with unknown contents, rows and rows of books, boxes and trunks, baskets and bottles. So many lifetimes cramped into a single small space.
He shook his head. "No, I can't let you invade what is mine. And if I have to push you back again and again, ... so I will."
And with that, Camerol stormed towards the first shelf, swinging his feather duster furiously.
WhateverItTakes
Banned
Hi writing GAF! Totally missed the deadline, but I wanted to get this idea out there anyway. Next one I'll try and make it! But anyway, here's something a little generic and definitely rushed:
Routine (1268 words)
John was, to put it kindly, a dull sort of person. You couldnt quite say for sure whether this was a permanent affliction, a man with an upper class degree must have enjoyed some crazy college years certainly, but it was perhaps quite telling that as he looked back over his Facebook wall, there was nothing by him, just tags from his friends confirming his attendance at whatever event took place that Thursday long ago.
He had moved upon his graduation, across the country to an accounting firm, with a reputable graduate scheme and a moderate salary. He was good with numbers, organisation, computers, and in the first six months had proven himself to be a model employee. His manager had said so herself, which had been the only thing she had ever said to him aside from assigning him his projects for the week.
These six months had a definite rhythm. He would wake up, brush his teeth, eat his breakfast (a rotation between corn flakes, porridge, and buttered toast), take the bus to the office, and work, until exactly 5PM, upon which he would leave his documents on his desk and return to them the next day. His evenings consisted of bouts of watching TV, the occasional playing of games on the Playstation his mother had given him as a graduation present, and endlessly, with his phone at his side, scrolling through Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, anything his friends had a presence on.
He talked to them, sometimes. A quick hi, a rundown of their relative lives, told the same old jokes only they would understand, laugh weakly. These would always fizzle out though, and at this point, conversations would usually end unfinished, without a farewell or goodbye.
John didnt hate his job, not at all. He could do it, and keep doing it, which his father had told him was the most important thing in a job. Being steady, being stable, but always having an eye upon the next rung of the proverbial career ladder. Which, as it so happened, just had a place open up.
The promotion of their manager was a clear challenge to all the worker bees. It was never explicitly said, but this meant there would soon be a gap, meant to be filled by one of their number. There were jokes around the water cooler, about who would fire who when they got the promotion, who would be put on permanent coffee duty. John laughed and smiled. They were good people. But he would be the one taking the opportunity.
He shifted his life up a gear. He started staying until six every evening, he punched numbers into spreadsheets faster and faster, always courteously, but more importantly noticeably, offered his services to anybody to needed an extra pair of hands. This began to pile up, and soon he was taking his work home. He didnt mind, not really, it wasnt like he would be doing much otherwise.
This continued. He realised there was no point in staying in to work longer than the management, so he started coming earlier, and then leaving a good 10 minutes after they did. He started going to bed before 9PM, rearranging his routine (breakfast was down to just corn flakes now), and still, constantly, fervently, working. His hands rushed faster along the keyboard, his pace brisker across the frayed office carpet, hed even started jogging for his bus in the mornings, and again in the evenings.
Papers piled his desk at work, his desk at home, his kitchen table, his bedside table. He was getting things done, more than ever before, but he just kept replenishing them, so eager to impress, that he had to go faster, work faster, be faster than ever before. His heart rate during those two weeks was more than a few beats higher than usual, his pores more eager to sweat, and his thoughts becoming more and more monotone.
It all ended at 6AM on a Tuesday. This was his managers last day, the day they would choose her successor. The morning before he brought in all the papers and files that had cluttered his testament to why he, over all the others, deserved to be elevated to the next step in his career.
A cough. He turned around in his chair. There his manager stood, a worried look in her eyes, glancing at the workload behind him. She asked him was he was doing. Working, he said, with a clean white smile. What are you doing?
Making sure everything is ready before I leave, she said slowly.
Well all be sorry to see you go, John said earnestly. Do you know whos taking your place yet?
Her brow furrowed, and his smile faltered. John, look. A manager isnt someone who does the most work, she explained, but one with a spark, that can help push the rest of their team.
I understand, he said, a horrible feeling creeping down his neck, I just wanted to show you that I am a hard worker, and up for any challenge.
Youre only up for the challenges you know, she sighed. Jacob is getting the promotion; the team all love him, he volunteers with children, and he knows a lot beyond the business which could be useful.
Crestfallen, John looked back at all his paper. But what could I have done, he asked, almost pleaded. What was I supposed to do?
She shook her head. If you have to ask Good luck John, she said honestly, I hope you can find your spark. And please, she added, go home.
So he did, slowly and stumbling, and soon he was outside his apartment. He opened the plain wooden door, to his plain wooden furniture, his bare white walls, and in the mirror, his bare, plain features, coloured with disappointment, anger, despondence.
He lumbered to his bedroom to see a strange sight: Himself, under the covers, eyes closed. He looked to his alarm. It would be going off at its usual time in five minutes, shaking John awake to start his day anew, of work and progress and promotion.
He pulled out his phone and scrolled through his feed. One of his friends was climbing a mountain for charity. Another was covered in paint from a festival, in the arms of the one she loved. His brother was at the foot of the Taj Mahal, perspective making him seem huge. A woman behind the camera was laughing.
They have it, he thought, they spark she was talking about. They always did. He went to the window, and peered through the blinds, careful not to wake himself. Out there was the whole city, each building filled with a thousand lives, a whole world to explore. But then the fear crept in, as it always did when he thought about the world beyond his job, or before, when he wondered about what he could do when he stepped out of his circle.
As usual his mind was blank. He didnt have anything near to a plan, he didnt even have any ideas. He didnt know what to do, he didnt know what he could do, and there was nothing he wanted to do, nothing inspiring coming into his head and giving him direction. An entire universe beckoned but he was stuck, in himself and his life, with nowhere to turn, no spark to burn everything down and be reborn.
So John got into his bed, and waited for the alarm to sound, and his life to continue, as it always would, in circles, and circles.
Routine (1268 words)
John was, to put it kindly, a dull sort of person. You couldnt quite say for sure whether this was a permanent affliction, a man with an upper class degree must have enjoyed some crazy college years certainly, but it was perhaps quite telling that as he looked back over his Facebook wall, there was nothing by him, just tags from his friends confirming his attendance at whatever event took place that Thursday long ago.
He had moved upon his graduation, across the country to an accounting firm, with a reputable graduate scheme and a moderate salary. He was good with numbers, organisation, computers, and in the first six months had proven himself to be a model employee. His manager had said so herself, which had been the only thing she had ever said to him aside from assigning him his projects for the week.
These six months had a definite rhythm. He would wake up, brush his teeth, eat his breakfast (a rotation between corn flakes, porridge, and buttered toast), take the bus to the office, and work, until exactly 5PM, upon which he would leave his documents on his desk and return to them the next day. His evenings consisted of bouts of watching TV, the occasional playing of games on the Playstation his mother had given him as a graduation present, and endlessly, with his phone at his side, scrolling through Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, anything his friends had a presence on.
He talked to them, sometimes. A quick hi, a rundown of their relative lives, told the same old jokes only they would understand, laugh weakly. These would always fizzle out though, and at this point, conversations would usually end unfinished, without a farewell or goodbye.
John didnt hate his job, not at all. He could do it, and keep doing it, which his father had told him was the most important thing in a job. Being steady, being stable, but always having an eye upon the next rung of the proverbial career ladder. Which, as it so happened, just had a place open up.
The promotion of their manager was a clear challenge to all the worker bees. It was never explicitly said, but this meant there would soon be a gap, meant to be filled by one of their number. There were jokes around the water cooler, about who would fire who when they got the promotion, who would be put on permanent coffee duty. John laughed and smiled. They were good people. But he would be the one taking the opportunity.
He shifted his life up a gear. He started staying until six every evening, he punched numbers into spreadsheets faster and faster, always courteously, but more importantly noticeably, offered his services to anybody to needed an extra pair of hands. This began to pile up, and soon he was taking his work home. He didnt mind, not really, it wasnt like he would be doing much otherwise.
This continued. He realised there was no point in staying in to work longer than the management, so he started coming earlier, and then leaving a good 10 minutes after they did. He started going to bed before 9PM, rearranging his routine (breakfast was down to just corn flakes now), and still, constantly, fervently, working. His hands rushed faster along the keyboard, his pace brisker across the frayed office carpet, hed even started jogging for his bus in the mornings, and again in the evenings.
Papers piled his desk at work, his desk at home, his kitchen table, his bedside table. He was getting things done, more than ever before, but he just kept replenishing them, so eager to impress, that he had to go faster, work faster, be faster than ever before. His heart rate during those two weeks was more than a few beats higher than usual, his pores more eager to sweat, and his thoughts becoming more and more monotone.
It all ended at 6AM on a Tuesday. This was his managers last day, the day they would choose her successor. The morning before he brought in all the papers and files that had cluttered his testament to why he, over all the others, deserved to be elevated to the next step in his career.
A cough. He turned around in his chair. There his manager stood, a worried look in her eyes, glancing at the workload behind him. She asked him was he was doing. Working, he said, with a clean white smile. What are you doing?
Making sure everything is ready before I leave, she said slowly.
Well all be sorry to see you go, John said earnestly. Do you know whos taking your place yet?
Her brow furrowed, and his smile faltered. John, look. A manager isnt someone who does the most work, she explained, but one with a spark, that can help push the rest of their team.
I understand, he said, a horrible feeling creeping down his neck, I just wanted to show you that I am a hard worker, and up for any challenge.
Youre only up for the challenges you know, she sighed. Jacob is getting the promotion; the team all love him, he volunteers with children, and he knows a lot beyond the business which could be useful.
Crestfallen, John looked back at all his paper. But what could I have done, he asked, almost pleaded. What was I supposed to do?
She shook her head. If you have to ask Good luck John, she said honestly, I hope you can find your spark. And please, she added, go home.
So he did, slowly and stumbling, and soon he was outside his apartment. He opened the plain wooden door, to his plain wooden furniture, his bare white walls, and in the mirror, his bare, plain features, coloured with disappointment, anger, despondence.
He lumbered to his bedroom to see a strange sight: Himself, under the covers, eyes closed. He looked to his alarm. It would be going off at its usual time in five minutes, shaking John awake to start his day anew, of work and progress and promotion.
He pulled out his phone and scrolled through his feed. One of his friends was climbing a mountain for charity. Another was covered in paint from a festival, in the arms of the one she loved. His brother was at the foot of the Taj Mahal, perspective making him seem huge. A woman behind the camera was laughing.
They have it, he thought, they spark she was talking about. They always did. He went to the window, and peered through the blinds, careful not to wake himself. Out there was the whole city, each building filled with a thousand lives, a whole world to explore. But then the fear crept in, as it always did when he thought about the world beyond his job, or before, when he wondered about what he could do when he stepped out of his circle.
As usual his mind was blank. He didnt have anything near to a plan, he didnt even have any ideas. He didnt know what to do, he didnt know what he could do, and there was nothing he wanted to do, nothing inspiring coming into his head and giving him direction. An entire universe beckoned but he was stuck, in himself and his life, with nowhere to turn, no spark to burn everything down and be reborn.
So John got into his bed, and waited for the alarm to sound, and his life to continue, as it always would, in circles, and circles.
The Entries:
El Topo - "The Circle "
FlowersisBritish - "The Kingdom of Beasts and Fowls"
FairyD - "Mesmerized"
frekifox7 - "Blood Song"
Cheat Code - "Judgment"
Ward - "The Divide Between Shallow and Deep"
zanos - "Wayward Pilgrim, Stilted Soul"
Mike M - "Anachronauts"
Ashes - "Burial"
Cyan - "The Enemy"
Tangent - "Thought Patterns"
Neeener - "Shrimp"
Nezumi - "Eternal Battle"
WhateverItTakes - "Routine"
El Topo - "The Circle "
FlowersisBritish - "The Kingdom of Beasts and Fowls"
FairyD - "Mesmerized"
frekifox7 - "Blood Song"
Cheat Code - "Judgment"
Ward - "The Divide Between Shallow and Deep"
zanos - "Wayward Pilgrim, Stilted Soul"
Mike M - "Anachronauts"
Ashes - "Burial"
Cyan - "The Enemy"
Tangent - "Thought Patterns"
Neeener - "Shrimp"
Nezumi - "Eternal Battle"
WhateverItTakes - "Routine"
Sorry, posted the wrong link. Here's the shared one: Blood Song
Vote for me
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
God damn it Nick. Neener should vote for whoever did this challenge so none of us have to ever feel the horrifying fear of change...
who ever that may have been...
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
ah man, I was going to do the list but Nezumi beat me to the punch midway through. And I listed Ourobolus's last post as "Disappointment and Betrayal"
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
El Toppo- I really liked the aggressive sexual imagery through out. It was interesting to read. It might have been too good(if that's a thing?) because the entire thing felt very metaphorical, but then turned literal on me at the end? I wasn't really sure what was happening?
Fairy D- So I really like the idea of telling a story within and throughout a long speech. Coupled with the obvious inspiration to Jim Jones, this story was pretty interesting. I think you fault on two important things though. First, I don't think you break away form the speech to reveal the audience early enough. I felt it should have happened earlier, because midway through was just jarring to me. Second, the first half is heavy with exposition. The second half is way better, and it was filled with bits of him being kind, and trying to be reassuring, while at the same time lying to them. I wanted more of that in the first half, that stuff was gold.
Frekifox- This was littered with some fine details through out. As a person that has had to dodge many a spear, i appreciate the little detail of it moving in perfect circles. What shines for me is the pacing of this, it's pretty even and starts with him watching people practice, his lady comes, we're at the colosseum, and he hypes up the crowd for battle. When we got to that latter part, I was pretty excited to see it go down too. Your action descriptions are really good, but for me that lacked a certain viscerally? It's tough to explain. Also your ending really worked for me because it could exist on two levels. It could be literal, where he killed his wife, or metaphorical where he can't go back to his wife after this.
Cheat Code- I love the old man's last words "my life was long." They just seem like pretty cool words to end on. When he enters the room of the Judge and The Watcher, I really wished we got a description of what exactly he was praying too, what do they look like? I do like the method you use to reveal the old man, with a flashback. But then you take the weird turn of having him be part of WWII? The contrast of this fictitious religion and this very real moment in history killed the story for me. You didn't lead in with anything to suggest we were in a kind of world resembling our history, so when it happens, all I can do is go "what?"
Ward- This really grabbed early on, first with the teacher selling something to students, and then the surplus of gummy bears. I was really curious as to what weird shady stuff he was getting into. I was honestly disappointed when it just turned out to be gummy bears. Why would Highschool kids just buy candy? They don't want candy, they want drugs. I can see no reason why it wasn't drug filled gummy bears. Although, I do love how you tie your main theme of 'teachers being underpaid and needing side work' together with that being both the teacher's motivation, and the first thing on his replacements mind.
Zanos- You have a lot of really interesting office-themed imagery through out. I was really captivated by some of the landscapes you painted, and it made for a fun surrealist ride. Though, I was super confused when that stuff did happen. Eventually I figured it was a dream, but it still snuck up on me, and around the time his office walls turned to sand, I wasn't sure if you were being literal or figurative. I think what confused me is two key parts. I found the part where he starts to go asleep(the second paragraph) but in that same part you have a very clear, non muddled, thought about bureaucracy. And then you also have him hear shouting. Both of these are a little too clear for a sleeping man to have in my book.
Mike- So I really liked this overall. There's just a lot of things that work in it. The first big one for me was how you made me realize it was a time travel story early on before flat out saying it was a time travel story. Your dialogue is especially strong in this one, everything was very chummy and I quickly grew to like James. Coupled with some good descriptions through out (I thought the car crash was great). Forced to find a criticism, I thought the early on explanations of the mechanics were a little too expositiony. Isn't he on his last day as a trainee? Does he really need to go through all the basic rules again? I think you should try and reword it somehow, because I love how the questions come back in new light after the big reveal that he saved his mom.
Ashes- This was beautifully written. All of your dialogue fucking nails it, and all your general descriptions and moments have a sad flair to them. I think your first half is amazing, but the second is where it started to lose me. It was at the moment we hear the father's side fully, that I felt off about it. Maybe it was how easily he killed his daughter? Or the contrast of a sincerely pious ma to one who was looking for internal justifications(Why did you not tell them i was enraged?) and weird blame(my daughter's protestations made it worse). It just felt like an odd shift in character. And then we shift character to the other daughter not before mentioned. As soon as she's mentioned, we get past events with her that felt sudden because they didn't happen in the beginning. Her inclusion would have worked better for me if we saw that early visit in the first half. I remember you saying for your last story you wanted to try and have no real main character in it, but it ended that way, and I can't help but feel like you tried the same thing again? IF that's the case, then it didn't really work for me, rather it just came across as an interesting though jarring switch in perspective. I do like the story of the fathers burying their daughters in the desert, and how it's linked throughout the story in many different ways. That was a great thing of thematics.
Cyan- This weirdly put me in the mind of this great serpent of ye'olde. And the mental process of a thing attacking itself but not realizing it was really interesting in how the struggle continued on forever, and that the only way it could end is if the world ended. it gave some idea as to why the serpent letting go was such a big deal in myth.
Tangent- So as a psyche major, I looked at all his question with a certain glee of 'I know what he's doing there.' There's a lot of really great elements to the story, but what sticks out to me is how how we never actually know what the husband or the Dr. say because it doesn't matter. What matters is her reaction to them. It really captured how little tics like these work, they kind of happen and you don't know how they happened but they put you into a mess. I think the way she gets better, and then falls back down again, and how the events loop in with her falling in love with the doctor and then confessing to her husband, are great. If I had to nitpick, it would probably be how that Dr. is a terrible therapist. Obviously you're never supposed to have that kind of relationship with your patient, but more so you should never feel protective of them, especially with something so minor as accidental verbal abuse(maybe?).
Neener- this story is so rich in minor details that it's really amazing and absolutely sells the experience. i just loved all the little details that had to be considered in the biodome, and all the various little thing that ended up going wrong and how they affected the things around them, like there being too many fish, and the dead fist clogging some of the vents. I really began to like Doc K too as he constantly fretted over how little control he actually had on his experiment. One minor nitpick, the scientific community would have loved this, especially since it was a failure. They would have eaten up all those weird unexpected variables at play! As a whole, they kind of care less about things working and more about the weird reasons why things didn't work.
Nezumi- I thought this was going to go more sinister, but either way you made me curious as to where it was going, and I do like the reveal of his "true" nemesis.
Whateverittakes- Ah man, this his was too close to home for me. You have a lot of really great lines about what it's like to live such a boring life. One that stood out to me was "conversations would usually end unfinished, without a farewell or goodbye." That one really hit me. I really felt for John's struggle, his hardwork, and how he just didn't have the flair his boss was looking for. Really good story all around.
Neener was right, voting this time around was damn tough.
Votes
1) Neener
2) Tangent
3) Frekifox7
Great stories all around! This was a fun round we had this time!
Fairy D- So I really like the idea of telling a story within and throughout a long speech. Coupled with the obvious inspiration to Jim Jones, this story was pretty interesting. I think you fault on two important things though. First, I don't think you break away form the speech to reveal the audience early enough. I felt it should have happened earlier, because midway through was just jarring to me. Second, the first half is heavy with exposition. The second half is way better, and it was filled with bits of him being kind, and trying to be reassuring, while at the same time lying to them. I wanted more of that in the first half, that stuff was gold.
Frekifox- This was littered with some fine details through out. As a person that has had to dodge many a spear, i appreciate the little detail of it moving in perfect circles. What shines for me is the pacing of this, it's pretty even and starts with him watching people practice, his lady comes, we're at the colosseum, and he hypes up the crowd for battle. When we got to that latter part, I was pretty excited to see it go down too. Your action descriptions are really good, but for me that lacked a certain viscerally? It's tough to explain. Also your ending really worked for me because it could exist on two levels. It could be literal, where he killed his wife, or metaphorical where he can't go back to his wife after this.
Cheat Code- I love the old man's last words "my life was long." They just seem like pretty cool words to end on. When he enters the room of the Judge and The Watcher, I really wished we got a description of what exactly he was praying too, what do they look like? I do like the method you use to reveal the old man, with a flashback. But then you take the weird turn of having him be part of WWII? The contrast of this fictitious religion and this very real moment in history killed the story for me. You didn't lead in with anything to suggest we were in a kind of world resembling our history, so when it happens, all I can do is go "what?"
Ward- This really grabbed early on, first with the teacher selling something to students, and then the surplus of gummy bears. I was really curious as to what weird shady stuff he was getting into. I was honestly disappointed when it just turned out to be gummy bears. Why would Highschool kids just buy candy? They don't want candy, they want drugs. I can see no reason why it wasn't drug filled gummy bears. Although, I do love how you tie your main theme of 'teachers being underpaid and needing side work' together with that being both the teacher's motivation, and the first thing on his replacements mind.
Zanos- You have a lot of really interesting office-themed imagery through out. I was really captivated by some of the landscapes you painted, and it made for a fun surrealist ride. Though, I was super confused when that stuff did happen. Eventually I figured it was a dream, but it still snuck up on me, and around the time his office walls turned to sand, I wasn't sure if you were being literal or figurative. I think what confused me is two key parts. I found the part where he starts to go asleep(the second paragraph) but in that same part you have a very clear, non muddled, thought about bureaucracy. And then you also have him hear shouting. Both of these are a little too clear for a sleeping man to have in my book.
Mike- So I really liked this overall. There's just a lot of things that work in it. The first big one for me was how you made me realize it was a time travel story early on before flat out saying it was a time travel story. Your dialogue is especially strong in this one, everything was very chummy and I quickly grew to like James. Coupled with some good descriptions through out (I thought the car crash was great). Forced to find a criticism, I thought the early on explanations of the mechanics were a little too expositiony. Isn't he on his last day as a trainee? Does he really need to go through all the basic rules again? I think you should try and reword it somehow, because I love how the questions come back in new light after the big reveal that he saved his mom.
Ashes- This was beautifully written. All of your dialogue fucking nails it, and all your general descriptions and moments have a sad flair to them. I think your first half is amazing, but the second is where it started to lose me. It was at the moment we hear the father's side fully, that I felt off about it. Maybe it was how easily he killed his daughter? Or the contrast of a sincerely pious ma to one who was looking for internal justifications(Why did you not tell them i was enraged?) and weird blame(my daughter's protestations made it worse). It just felt like an odd shift in character. And then we shift character to the other daughter not before mentioned. As soon as she's mentioned, we get past events with her that felt sudden because they didn't happen in the beginning. Her inclusion would have worked better for me if we saw that early visit in the first half. I remember you saying for your last story you wanted to try and have no real main character in it, but it ended that way, and I can't help but feel like you tried the same thing again? IF that's the case, then it didn't really work for me, rather it just came across as an interesting though jarring switch in perspective. I do like the story of the fathers burying their daughters in the desert, and how it's linked throughout the story in many different ways. That was a great thing of thematics.
Cyan- This weirdly put me in the mind of this great serpent of ye'olde. And the mental process of a thing attacking itself but not realizing it was really interesting in how the struggle continued on forever, and that the only way it could end is if the world ended. it gave some idea as to why the serpent letting go was such a big deal in myth.
Tangent- So as a psyche major, I looked at all his question with a certain glee of 'I know what he's doing there.' There's a lot of really great elements to the story, but what sticks out to me is how how we never actually know what the husband or the Dr. say because it doesn't matter. What matters is her reaction to them. It really captured how little tics like these work, they kind of happen and you don't know how they happened but they put you into a mess. I think the way she gets better, and then falls back down again, and how the events loop in with her falling in love with the doctor and then confessing to her husband, are great. If I had to nitpick, it would probably be how that Dr. is a terrible therapist. Obviously you're never supposed to have that kind of relationship with your patient, but more so you should never feel protective of them, especially with something so minor as accidental verbal abuse(maybe?).
Neener- this story is so rich in minor details that it's really amazing and absolutely sells the experience. i just loved all the little details that had to be considered in the biodome, and all the various little thing that ended up going wrong and how they affected the things around them, like there being too many fish, and the dead fist clogging some of the vents. I really began to like Doc K too as he constantly fretted over how little control he actually had on his experiment. One minor nitpick, the scientific community would have loved this, especially since it was a failure. They would have eaten up all those weird unexpected variables at play! As a whole, they kind of care less about things working and more about the weird reasons why things didn't work.
Nezumi- I thought this was going to go more sinister, but either way you made me curious as to where it was going, and I do like the reveal of his "true" nemesis.
Whateverittakes- Ah man, this his was too close to home for me. You have a lot of really great lines about what it's like to live such a boring life. One that stood out to me was "conversations would usually end unfinished, without a farewell or goodbye." That one really hit me. I really felt for John's struggle, his hardwork, and how he just didn't have the flair his boss was looking for. Really good story all around.
Neener was right, voting this time around was damn tough.
Votes
1) Neener
2) Tangent
3) Frekifox7
Great stories all around! This was a fun round we had this time!
Had to share this for Nezumi.
And now change John's dialogue to "I'm gonna start my story early this time." "I'm actually going to edit and improve it."Edit: On a different note, everyone should read "Saga".
Feedback as promised!
El Topo - To be honest, I didn't really get it. I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a real device, and if everything happening was real or metaphorical.
The whole orgasm being the "tiny death" made me unsure if this is just something crazy going on in the MC's mind or if the machine really did destroy him and take over his body.
Cool imagery, and pretty disturbing!
FlowerisBritish - Cool imagery, I really liked how the world of the forest is slowly revealed and we don't fully understand it until the MC has already made her choice. We are as naive as she is as to the implications of what she is doing, and I love how quick the reveal of the powershift is done after she makes her choice.
Ultimately, I love the perspective of a minor character in the forest power dynamics and how she is used as a tool in a larger story.
The similes in the story were sometimes a little clunky, interrupting the smooth read... but it really did read like a fairytale and had very clear conflict, etc. Really solid story!
FairyD - I enjoyed the perspective coming from the cult leader, both getting to hear his speech and then switching to his internal perspective on the situation was cool. I like the way he was comparing himself to other successful cult suicides like haileys comet and jonestown.
I didn't feel I fully understood what was at stake and why they were committing suicide. The MC didn't seem to have very good control over the crowd and the situation, so maybe he wasn't entirely convincing as a cult leader?
The chaos at the end coupled with the MC simply eating the food worked really well. We were left with this unsure feeling as to how it would playout... but at least he had succeeded in ending his own life.
Frekifox7 - I found the descriptions at first to be really over the top, but as the story progressed it became obvious that that's what makes the story work. The extreme love, extreme bloodlust, etc creates a really complete character that is driven by pure emotion alone.
I really liked the end, that the bloodlust had overcome him into actually destroying what he loved most. I interpreted it as him having a dream and murdering her in his sleep, but it wasn't totally clear... it could have been a metaphor? He was lost to the demon and murdered the relationship?
Cheat Code - I loved the first half of this piece. Halia was an interesting character and gave a lot of context and weight to the situation. I felt the second half let it down a little, the descriptions of the three situations were a bit rushed and the actual judgement happened very abruptly. Cool scenarios, just wish you had more words to play with.
I did like the conflict in the MC toward the end as he realized he wasn't sure he was proud of the actions he had taken. He'd won the gods' approval, but had lost his own. It added a really interesting element to the character. Again, I wish you'd had more room to explore this.
Ward - Somehow this story sucked me in right from the start and I can't quite articulate how and why! I didn't like the MC, yet his whole existence seemed like such a tough struggle. He didn't seem to care at all about students/being a teacher, which the McDonalds scene illustrated well. The concern of the lack of money was played out really well as we could see that everyone knew how tough it was, yet he still had pressure at home to earn.
I wasn't sure why the students would be willing to pay him extra for candy when they could go to the store themselves... and the point that really bugged me was why didn't he get ecoli too? Presummably the oily stuff was on the outside of the packs and he would have handled them a lot himself.
This story really captured a feeling perfectly, it all felt hopeless... like there was no way out, and while we couldn't feel great about the MC selling stuff to students we could totally see why he felt he had no choice.
The hopeless feeling reminded me of zombie movies or something. No real way out!
Zanos - The dreamscape was so effective. It really spoke to the futility of everything that is deemed important in an office. All the paperwork, the ink, the conversations, the meetings, it all melds together to feel utterly pointless and like the character is floating through understanding the pointlessness of his job... yet also unable to find a way out.
Particularly the hunt for the way out the "green pastures" honed in on exactly the problem facing people in this situation... a lateral move to a different job is always just more of the same.
The imagery was a little repetitive at times, but I really felt this perfectly and poetically addressed the particular pain that is being an office worker!
And I loved the end!
MikeM - I loved this story. It was exactly what a great short story should be, concise, engaging and with great character development. I really enjoyed how you setup the rules of the "world" via the conversation between the two. It was effectively two birds with one stone, the sense of who the characters were was established as well as the rules of time travel. And referencing movies worked perfectly to quickly develop rules.
I did think it was a little too easy to spot the ending coming. I'm not sure that being six weeks from your birthday is close enough to point out, and when the woman in the car proved to be pregnant it was pretty obvious what was coming.
It might have worked more effectively if it was the day before his birthday and the stress of the crash triggered labor (as would easily happen)... or if he doesn't mention the woman is pregnant until she is out of the car. Just to make the surprise a little more effective.
Also loved the whole paradox sickness thing. Really fun to think about!
Ashes - As usual, I loved the writing and didn't entirely understand what was going on. I liked the slow reveal of Abdullah as a character. The story was like peeling back the layers of the onion. Starting with the stark fact that he'd killed his daughter, and then the slow realization that this has to do not just with him but his culture and their view and valuation of women.
The theme that kept jumping out was women as property and undervalued by their parents.
I found the second daughter added a lot too the story, the late introduction was like another layer being revealed. Her relationship to her father was confusing and complex, and I loved how she wasn't sure if praying for him was betraying her sister. In the end, she was the MC and her own struggle to find her own value and speak up for what she actually wanted was very interesting.
I always like your stories, but this one really struck a cord for me!
It's odd because half the time I don't understand what's going on in your stories, but that's also why I love them!
Cyan - Short, but sweet. I think this really captured the struggle and the balance between order and chaos. I think there may have been references here I just don't get, but it was a beautiful illustration of being locked in battle (metaphorically speaking, often with ourselves!)
Tangent - Really effective in that I spent the whole time annoyed that you were skimming details that felt important, only to come to the end and realize the details were in no way important at all. Leaving out the details (who said what), really was a fantastic devise to help us understand the point. This is just a pattern the MC is playing out over and over. Super effective, devastating for the therapist, and with a very dark overtone. You end up really hating the MC, but it was a delicious story.
Neeener - I really enjoyed using this zoomed out perspective and getting to tell a story from a different level. It was a challenge because I wanted to not name most of the characters to get the distanced feel, yet still have it be engaging. Reading back, I'm pretty happy with it.
There is an OK balance between real details from the actual experiment, and stuff I've completely made up... I found that the hardest struggle in writing. How much fact to put in and how much fiction!
And man, I could have used another grammar edit!
Nezumi - Really great little story. This deep, dark enemy that will someday get him. As a bad housekeeper I could really relate to his battle!
Putting a mundane struggle into the context of epic eternal battle worked really well!
WhateverItTakes - This story made me so sad. I could totally get the frustration of the MC, but I liked how we were viewing him as bland and sparkless from the start. This is someone truly entrenched on the proverbial treadmill. I love how he constantly compares himself to others and wants what they have, but clearly doesn't understand it. This really speaks to the kind of angst of the 30-40 year old today, which felt so futile!
Votes -
1. MikeM - Anachronauts
2. Ward - The Divide Between Shallow and Deep
3. Zanos - Wayward Pilgrim, Stilted Soul
El Topo - To be honest, I didn't really get it. I couldn't tell if it was supposed to be a real device, and if everything happening was real or metaphorical.
The whole orgasm being the "tiny death" made me unsure if this is just something crazy going on in the MC's mind or if the machine really did destroy him and take over his body.
Cool imagery, and pretty disturbing!
FlowerisBritish - Cool imagery, I really liked how the world of the forest is slowly revealed and we don't fully understand it until the MC has already made her choice. We are as naive as she is as to the implications of what she is doing, and I love how quick the reveal of the powershift is done after she makes her choice.
Ultimately, I love the perspective of a minor character in the forest power dynamics and how she is used as a tool in a larger story.
The similes in the story were sometimes a little clunky, interrupting the smooth read... but it really did read like a fairytale and had very clear conflict, etc. Really solid story!
FairyD - I enjoyed the perspective coming from the cult leader, both getting to hear his speech and then switching to his internal perspective on the situation was cool. I like the way he was comparing himself to other successful cult suicides like haileys comet and jonestown.
I didn't feel I fully understood what was at stake and why they were committing suicide. The MC didn't seem to have very good control over the crowd and the situation, so maybe he wasn't entirely convincing as a cult leader?
The chaos at the end coupled with the MC simply eating the food worked really well. We were left with this unsure feeling as to how it would playout... but at least he had succeeded in ending his own life.
Frekifox7 - I found the descriptions at first to be really over the top, but as the story progressed it became obvious that that's what makes the story work. The extreme love, extreme bloodlust, etc creates a really complete character that is driven by pure emotion alone.
I really liked the end, that the bloodlust had overcome him into actually destroying what he loved most. I interpreted it as him having a dream and murdering her in his sleep, but it wasn't totally clear... it could have been a metaphor? He was lost to the demon and murdered the relationship?
Cheat Code - I loved the first half of this piece. Halia was an interesting character and gave a lot of context and weight to the situation. I felt the second half let it down a little, the descriptions of the three situations were a bit rushed and the actual judgement happened very abruptly. Cool scenarios, just wish you had more words to play with.
I did like the conflict in the MC toward the end as he realized he wasn't sure he was proud of the actions he had taken. He'd won the gods' approval, but had lost his own. It added a really interesting element to the character. Again, I wish you'd had more room to explore this.
Ward - Somehow this story sucked me in right from the start and I can't quite articulate how and why! I didn't like the MC, yet his whole existence seemed like such a tough struggle. He didn't seem to care at all about students/being a teacher, which the McDonalds scene illustrated well. The concern of the lack of money was played out really well as we could see that everyone knew how tough it was, yet he still had pressure at home to earn.
I wasn't sure why the students would be willing to pay him extra for candy when they could go to the store themselves... and the point that really bugged me was why didn't he get ecoli too? Presummably the oily stuff was on the outside of the packs and he would have handled them a lot himself.
This story really captured a feeling perfectly, it all felt hopeless... like there was no way out, and while we couldn't feel great about the MC selling stuff to students we could totally see why he felt he had no choice.
The hopeless feeling reminded me of zombie movies or something. No real way out!
Zanos - The dreamscape was so effective. It really spoke to the futility of everything that is deemed important in an office. All the paperwork, the ink, the conversations, the meetings, it all melds together to feel utterly pointless and like the character is floating through understanding the pointlessness of his job... yet also unable to find a way out.
Particularly the hunt for the way out the "green pastures" honed in on exactly the problem facing people in this situation... a lateral move to a different job is always just more of the same.
The imagery was a little repetitive at times, but I really felt this perfectly and poetically addressed the particular pain that is being an office worker!
And I loved the end!
MikeM - I loved this story. It was exactly what a great short story should be, concise, engaging and with great character development. I really enjoyed how you setup the rules of the "world" via the conversation between the two. It was effectively two birds with one stone, the sense of who the characters were was established as well as the rules of time travel. And referencing movies worked perfectly to quickly develop rules.
I did think it was a little too easy to spot the ending coming. I'm not sure that being six weeks from your birthday is close enough to point out, and when the woman in the car proved to be pregnant it was pretty obvious what was coming.
It might have worked more effectively if it was the day before his birthday and the stress of the crash triggered labor (as would easily happen)... or if he doesn't mention the woman is pregnant until she is out of the car. Just to make the surprise a little more effective.
Also loved the whole paradox sickness thing. Really fun to think about!
Ashes - As usual, I loved the writing and didn't entirely understand what was going on. I liked the slow reveal of Abdullah as a character. The story was like peeling back the layers of the onion. Starting with the stark fact that he'd killed his daughter, and then the slow realization that this has to do not just with him but his culture and their view and valuation of women.
The theme that kept jumping out was women as property and undervalued by their parents.
I found the second daughter added a lot too the story, the late introduction was like another layer being revealed. Her relationship to her father was confusing and complex, and I loved how she wasn't sure if praying for him was betraying her sister. In the end, she was the MC and her own struggle to find her own value and speak up for what she actually wanted was very interesting.
I always like your stories, but this one really struck a cord for me!
It's odd because half the time I don't understand what's going on in your stories, but that's also why I love them!
Cyan - Short, but sweet. I think this really captured the struggle and the balance between order and chaos. I think there may have been references here I just don't get, but it was a beautiful illustration of being locked in battle (metaphorically speaking, often with ourselves!)
Tangent - Really effective in that I spent the whole time annoyed that you were skimming details that felt important, only to come to the end and realize the details were in no way important at all. Leaving out the details (who said what), really was a fantastic devise to help us understand the point. This is just a pattern the MC is playing out over and over. Super effective, devastating for the therapist, and with a very dark overtone. You end up really hating the MC, but it was a delicious story.
Neeener - I really enjoyed using this zoomed out perspective and getting to tell a story from a different level. It was a challenge because I wanted to not name most of the characters to get the distanced feel, yet still have it be engaging. Reading back, I'm pretty happy with it.
There is an OK balance between real details from the actual experiment, and stuff I've completely made up... I found that the hardest struggle in writing. How much fact to put in and how much fiction!
And man, I could have used another grammar edit!
Nezumi - Really great little story. This deep, dark enemy that will someday get him. As a bad housekeeper I could really relate to his battle!
Putting a mundane struggle into the context of epic eternal battle worked really well!
WhateverItTakes - This story made me so sad. I could totally get the frustration of the MC, but I liked how we were viewing him as bland and sparkless from the start. This is someone truly entrenched on the proverbial treadmill. I love how he constantly compares himself to others and wants what they have, but clearly doesn't understand it. This really speaks to the kind of angst of the 30-40 year old today, which felt so futile!
Votes -
1. MikeM - Anachronauts
2. Ward - The Divide Between Shallow and Deep
3. Zanos - Wayward Pilgrim, Stilted Soul
Agreed, a lot of great stories to read. It made judging really tough...
1. Neener
2. Mike M
3. Frekifox7
Many honorable mentions...I'll echo FairyD's sentiments about reviewing and do my best to provide more feedback next time around. It was a very interesting challenge, thanks to FlowersisBritish for the topic selection.
1. Neener
2. Mike M
3. Frekifox7
Many honorable mentions...I'll echo FairyD's sentiments about reviewing and do my best to provide more feedback next time around. It was a very interesting challenge, thanks to FlowersisBritish for the topic selection.
Cheat Code
Member
1) Mike M
2) Neener
3) Tangent
Really enjoyed getting involved with you all. I'm not a particularly good critic but I might try to write up some comments for each story next time.
2) Neener
3) Tangent
Really enjoyed getting involved with you all. I'm not a particularly good critic but I might try to write up some comments for each story next time.
El Topo: This reminds me of things like Clive Barkers Down, Satan! or perhaps A Machine for Pigs. Maybe a little bit of Hellraiser, too. It seems tonally and thematically similar with constructions created to do profane things, the whole fusion of technology and occult ritual thing. But this one was incomplete to me, we jumped right into the consequences of the narrators actions without any of the build up or motivation beyond wanting to create a fuck tool that seems to have amounted to the dude getting pulled into a paper shredder by the dick. For these sorts of stories, half the appeal to me is that build up about the construction and purpose, the demonstration that the creator is going/has gone insane, the blurring of the lines between the divine and the infernal, etc. By skipping straight to the comeuppance, we lose out on exploring why the creator of such a device deserves this fate. Which is a real shame, because this stuff is totally my jam.
FlowersisBritish: This one cut close enough to the tropes of a fairy tale that I was kind of bothered that it didnt really follow the traditional structure of a fairy tale with three trials and such. I also found the verbal sophistication of the crow to be inconsistent, as to start with he was using the bare minimum of words to convey meaning, but started using complete sentences as time went on. We get the impression that the toll for saving her father is supposed to be dire indeed, but we never see the consequences of her actions, we just get a happy reunion with her father and nothing of the warning that the forest would forever turn them away and deny them entry. Im not even entirely certain why that would be the case, as the bird lady assumed the literal mantle of the guardian of the forest only because Gretchen did her a solid and killed the previous holder of the title. Doesnt she kind of owe her, in that case? Also, fowl are members of one of two orders of birds, of which crows are not a part : )
FairyD: I went into this hoping that it would be about Franz Mesmer. Interesting guy with lots of kooky theories from which we get the term mesmerize. This, though, this ended just when it was getting interesting for me. The curtain dropped just as things were starting to come to a head and go off the rails. In a way, I had kind of the same problem I took with El Topos entry; we jumped straight to the ending of the story with none of the fleshing out the course that lead the protagonist to this ultimate demise. He seemed to be running a cult with the express purpose of running up the suicide tally, which would make him an interesting villain for a longer story. Im curious though as to why hes wondering if he beat Jim Jones, as the body count at Jonestown isnt exactly a secret. And Heavens Gate committed suicide with the passing of the Hale Bop comet, not Haileys : ). Id much rather have read about what this guys teachings were and how he amassed power than just do a once over of the Jonestown story where ~1000 people build a compound somewhere remote and commit suicide by ingesting cyanide. So I guess it was doubly disappointing that I never got to know anything about this cult and just have it be Jonestown with the Kool-Aid switched out for fruit pies.
frekifox7: Word count limits are a bitch, arent they? Welcome to my pain! I already told you most everything I had to say last week. I think you made it easier to intuit that he was hallucinating at the end, but that crucial piece of information that everything after he gets hit in the head is part of that hallucination is still a tough nut to crack. I dont know how to better address it while staying within that word count and not hacking out stuff elsewhere to make up the difference
Cheat Code: There were several missteps with this one. First, we start off with the named girl and the nameless old man, which immediately lends the impression that this is a story about Halia, when ultimately her role is inconsequential. Next, the description of this massive gate that was dwarfed by the cavernous space where the gods pass judgment was setting up expectations of a fantasy setting for me (and had been even before that), and then when the old man relives his life, its revealed that no, it actually takes place in the real world. That was a jarring transition for me, and it seems that the fact that literal gods are manifesting on Earth needs more attention paid to it than the unspoken implication that this is a secret cult that also happens to be the one true religion passing with absolutely no comment. Thats a big matzah ball. And then during the reviewing of his life, we learn that the old man is not so unnamed after all. Why conceal it, then? You had words to burn, you could have tied this one a little tighter and smoothed it out. Unless of course I have radically misinterpreted everything, in which case thats a separate suite of problems : )
Ward: I try not to knock people around for formatting, but I will say that I found the lack of indentations and multiple people speaking in a single paragraph made this a bit trying to read on my phone : ) The scaffolding for the means by which the protagonist is ultimately undone seems shaky to me, but I dont know if thats because Im right, or if I know just enough to be dangerous and its skewing my view. First and foremost: Were to believe that Henry is selling candy on the side to supplement his income? Because thats what it sounded like. This seems kind of absurd, given that hes buying them retail (at a minute mart too, so thats probably an additional markup). Theres no way hes selling these at an appreciable markup or selling in large enough volumes to make do with a narrow margin to make any worthwhile amount of money. And Im not sure how the CDC conducts their investigations, but usually the results I hear about is that theyre traced back to the source of the contamination (in this case, the factory that produced the meat), Im not sure they get so specific as to identify individual stores that sold it. Also not so sure that the contamination of the candy is all that likely, the bacteria would have been on the outside of the package and deprived of anything it would need to grow. Im not sure what the lifespan of an E. coli bacterium is, but theyre not going to live an appreciable amount of time on a plastic bag that has nothing for them to metabolize.
Zanos: You clearly have a well-developed vocabulary and way with imagery, but I wish you had found a better use for them. A trek across a landscape rendered in metaphors of the mendacity of office work is a neat visual image, but I found it lacking in any sort of hooks that would keep me compelled. I never had the sense that the protagonist was ever in any real sort of danger, theres not much conflict to speak of, all obstacles are overcome with a minimal expenditure of effort, etc. And then to top it all off, it was all a dream. Thats almost literally the least meaningful ending possible. Youve earned your bones and demonstrated your chops for description and metaphor, its the narrative itself that needs to pump more iron.
Mike M: Man, I had a bitch of a time with this. I had a very unfortunate setback early on into the challenge that killed all desire to write anything, not just a sense of unwanted duty like when Im usually procrastinating. I bounced back eventually, but I dont think this is as strong as it could have been and there are parts that just never came together for me (everything about the intersection, honestly). This was actually born of one of my very first attempts at abandoning a novel where I had the notion that if thinking about time travel makes peoples brains hurt, then actual time travel would result in brain damage. I still like the concept and I have a solid conflict to string it on, so I may one day revisit it.
Ashes: I was kept off balance by how the perspective seemed to drift around. First we were following Abdullah for a little bit, but then suddenly were following Arif. And then a little bit later, were following the unnamed(?) daughter. Wait, what? Where did that come from? I felt that twist was almost exploitative, as the reveal depended entirely upon concealing information that I didnt think was really justified in being withheld from the reader. If were going to read a story about a man who gets out of prison, Im hard pressed to think of a reason that he wouldnt make any effort to find out what happened to his remaining daughter. Or even mention her. Or that Arif wouldnt think about it when we were in his head space for a while. It was otherwise well-written as per your usual, but that bit left a sour taste in my mouth.
Cyan: Well, I know who frekifox is voting for For something so quick and dirty, I thought it was serviceable with no real major flaws. If I could have one nitpick, it would be the bit about how it takes a while for the serpent to feel that he was biting harder. I would chalk that up to maybe it would take a very long time for pain signals to travel along the nervous system of a creature thats long enough to encircle the globe? Granted thats what would happen, but since were already dealing with impossibilities of biology I think it was a detail that could perhaps crack open the door and invite the possibility that there really is a second creature biting his tail to anyone who doesnt understand the significance. Mostly Im just chuckling at how the Midgard Serpent seems to be a little Stupid.
Tangent: How is it that I feel David was portrayed as the unwitting bad guy in this story when hes the only one who didnt violate some oath or decree of faithfulness? Not that I dont sympathize for Vanessas plight, but shes the one being unfaithful here. If anything, David takes it like an absolute fucking champ. Neil gets a well-deserved just reward for his indiscretion, but Vanessa walks away from it all, clean and apparently unburdened by guilt. I feel like this was striving to be something where everyone was equally culpable in the outcome, but David literally didnt do anything but occasionally say something that annoyed his wife. Not to downplay the effect that would have on someone who has some degree of cognitive distortion going on (as I am led to believe that Vanessa apparently did), but he wasnt doing it from a place of malice and the fact that Vanessa was seeking therapy over it seemed would indicate that she agreed that these responses to what he was saying were not rational.
Neeener: Im bugged by the actions ascribed to the grad students at various points. This isnt a project that would be left to a professor and his grad students, but the involvement of the multitude of other individuals (architects, engineers, biologists, ag science, etc. etc.) necessary to be involved with such a project are given short shrift and arent even mentioned in passing that I can recall. Grad students wouldnt be in any position of authority to argue about anything at all with a multi-million dollar project like that, they would be, at best, interns. And that last line one of them has about whether we could create a self-sustaining ecosystem on the moon and saving humanity rubbed me the wrong way. It doesnt sound like something a real person would say, and it was too on the nose in the similarity of its phrasing with Dr. Ks speech at the beginning. I remember the Biosphere 2 project in the 90s and how it all went to crap. Its an interesting subject for a story, but I dont think its something that you can do justice in 2200 words. It just came off as a summary of events rather than the actual story that I wanted to read.
Nezumi: I guffawed at the last line. Nice wind up for the humorous anticlimax.
WhateverItTakes: I think it says something that the theme this week was about something that represents infinity and repetition, and weve got two entries that are all about office life. There seemed to be a disconnect for me that the highest praise John had for his job was that he didnt hate and could keep doing it suddenly being full of resolve and taking on work to climb the company ladder. Hes been there for six months, why would he have the expectation of being promoted to manager anyway? Ultimately were left with a story about a professed boring man who doesnt do anything particular interesting, and then theres some weirdness in the end about how hes standing over himself while hes in bed which questions whether it was a dream sequence or insanity or something.
Votes:
1.) FlowersisBritish
2.) El Topo
3.) Zanos
FlowersisBritish: This one cut close enough to the tropes of a fairy tale that I was kind of bothered that it didnt really follow the traditional structure of a fairy tale with three trials and such. I also found the verbal sophistication of the crow to be inconsistent, as to start with he was using the bare minimum of words to convey meaning, but started using complete sentences as time went on. We get the impression that the toll for saving her father is supposed to be dire indeed, but we never see the consequences of her actions, we just get a happy reunion with her father and nothing of the warning that the forest would forever turn them away and deny them entry. Im not even entirely certain why that would be the case, as the bird lady assumed the literal mantle of the guardian of the forest only because Gretchen did her a solid and killed the previous holder of the title. Doesnt she kind of owe her, in that case? Also, fowl are members of one of two orders of birds, of which crows are not a part : )
FairyD: I went into this hoping that it would be about Franz Mesmer. Interesting guy with lots of kooky theories from which we get the term mesmerize. This, though, this ended just when it was getting interesting for me. The curtain dropped just as things were starting to come to a head and go off the rails. In a way, I had kind of the same problem I took with El Topos entry; we jumped straight to the ending of the story with none of the fleshing out the course that lead the protagonist to this ultimate demise. He seemed to be running a cult with the express purpose of running up the suicide tally, which would make him an interesting villain for a longer story. Im curious though as to why hes wondering if he beat Jim Jones, as the body count at Jonestown isnt exactly a secret. And Heavens Gate committed suicide with the passing of the Hale Bop comet, not Haileys : ). Id much rather have read about what this guys teachings were and how he amassed power than just do a once over of the Jonestown story where ~1000 people build a compound somewhere remote and commit suicide by ingesting cyanide. So I guess it was doubly disappointing that I never got to know anything about this cult and just have it be Jonestown with the Kool-Aid switched out for fruit pies.
frekifox7: Word count limits are a bitch, arent they? Welcome to my pain! I already told you most everything I had to say last week. I think you made it easier to intuit that he was hallucinating at the end, but that crucial piece of information that everything after he gets hit in the head is part of that hallucination is still a tough nut to crack. I dont know how to better address it while staying within that word count and not hacking out stuff elsewhere to make up the difference
Cheat Code: There were several missteps with this one. First, we start off with the named girl and the nameless old man, which immediately lends the impression that this is a story about Halia, when ultimately her role is inconsequential. Next, the description of this massive gate that was dwarfed by the cavernous space where the gods pass judgment was setting up expectations of a fantasy setting for me (and had been even before that), and then when the old man relives his life, its revealed that no, it actually takes place in the real world. That was a jarring transition for me, and it seems that the fact that literal gods are manifesting on Earth needs more attention paid to it than the unspoken implication that this is a secret cult that also happens to be the one true religion passing with absolutely no comment. Thats a big matzah ball. And then during the reviewing of his life, we learn that the old man is not so unnamed after all. Why conceal it, then? You had words to burn, you could have tied this one a little tighter and smoothed it out. Unless of course I have radically misinterpreted everything, in which case thats a separate suite of problems : )
Ward: I try not to knock people around for formatting, but I will say that I found the lack of indentations and multiple people speaking in a single paragraph made this a bit trying to read on my phone : ) The scaffolding for the means by which the protagonist is ultimately undone seems shaky to me, but I dont know if thats because Im right, or if I know just enough to be dangerous and its skewing my view. First and foremost: Were to believe that Henry is selling candy on the side to supplement his income? Because thats what it sounded like. This seems kind of absurd, given that hes buying them retail (at a minute mart too, so thats probably an additional markup). Theres no way hes selling these at an appreciable markup or selling in large enough volumes to make do with a narrow margin to make any worthwhile amount of money. And Im not sure how the CDC conducts their investigations, but usually the results I hear about is that theyre traced back to the source of the contamination (in this case, the factory that produced the meat), Im not sure they get so specific as to identify individual stores that sold it. Also not so sure that the contamination of the candy is all that likely, the bacteria would have been on the outside of the package and deprived of anything it would need to grow. Im not sure what the lifespan of an E. coli bacterium is, but theyre not going to live an appreciable amount of time on a plastic bag that has nothing for them to metabolize.
Zanos: You clearly have a well-developed vocabulary and way with imagery, but I wish you had found a better use for them. A trek across a landscape rendered in metaphors of the mendacity of office work is a neat visual image, but I found it lacking in any sort of hooks that would keep me compelled. I never had the sense that the protagonist was ever in any real sort of danger, theres not much conflict to speak of, all obstacles are overcome with a minimal expenditure of effort, etc. And then to top it all off, it was all a dream. Thats almost literally the least meaningful ending possible. Youve earned your bones and demonstrated your chops for description and metaphor, its the narrative itself that needs to pump more iron.
Mike M: Man, I had a bitch of a time with this. I had a very unfortunate setback early on into the challenge that killed all desire to write anything, not just a sense of unwanted duty like when Im usually procrastinating. I bounced back eventually, but I dont think this is as strong as it could have been and there are parts that just never came together for me (everything about the intersection, honestly). This was actually born of one of my very first attempts at abandoning a novel where I had the notion that if thinking about time travel makes peoples brains hurt, then actual time travel would result in brain damage. I still like the concept and I have a solid conflict to string it on, so I may one day revisit it.
Ashes: I was kept off balance by how the perspective seemed to drift around. First we were following Abdullah for a little bit, but then suddenly were following Arif. And then a little bit later, were following the unnamed(?) daughter. Wait, what? Where did that come from? I felt that twist was almost exploitative, as the reveal depended entirely upon concealing information that I didnt think was really justified in being withheld from the reader. If were going to read a story about a man who gets out of prison, Im hard pressed to think of a reason that he wouldnt make any effort to find out what happened to his remaining daughter. Or even mention her. Or that Arif wouldnt think about it when we were in his head space for a while. It was otherwise well-written as per your usual, but that bit left a sour taste in my mouth.
Cyan: Well, I know who frekifox is voting for For something so quick and dirty, I thought it was serviceable with no real major flaws. If I could have one nitpick, it would be the bit about how it takes a while for the serpent to feel that he was biting harder. I would chalk that up to maybe it would take a very long time for pain signals to travel along the nervous system of a creature thats long enough to encircle the globe? Granted thats what would happen, but since were already dealing with impossibilities of biology I think it was a detail that could perhaps crack open the door and invite the possibility that there really is a second creature biting his tail to anyone who doesnt understand the significance. Mostly Im just chuckling at how the Midgard Serpent seems to be a little Stupid.
Tangent: How is it that I feel David was portrayed as the unwitting bad guy in this story when hes the only one who didnt violate some oath or decree of faithfulness? Not that I dont sympathize for Vanessas plight, but shes the one being unfaithful here. If anything, David takes it like an absolute fucking champ. Neil gets a well-deserved just reward for his indiscretion, but Vanessa walks away from it all, clean and apparently unburdened by guilt. I feel like this was striving to be something where everyone was equally culpable in the outcome, but David literally didnt do anything but occasionally say something that annoyed his wife. Not to downplay the effect that would have on someone who has some degree of cognitive distortion going on (as I am led to believe that Vanessa apparently did), but he wasnt doing it from a place of malice and the fact that Vanessa was seeking therapy over it seemed would indicate that she agreed that these responses to what he was saying were not rational.
Neeener: Im bugged by the actions ascribed to the grad students at various points. This isnt a project that would be left to a professor and his grad students, but the involvement of the multitude of other individuals (architects, engineers, biologists, ag science, etc. etc.) necessary to be involved with such a project are given short shrift and arent even mentioned in passing that I can recall. Grad students wouldnt be in any position of authority to argue about anything at all with a multi-million dollar project like that, they would be, at best, interns. And that last line one of them has about whether we could create a self-sustaining ecosystem on the moon and saving humanity rubbed me the wrong way. It doesnt sound like something a real person would say, and it was too on the nose in the similarity of its phrasing with Dr. Ks speech at the beginning. I remember the Biosphere 2 project in the 90s and how it all went to crap. Its an interesting subject for a story, but I dont think its something that you can do justice in 2200 words. It just came off as a summary of events rather than the actual story that I wanted to read.
Nezumi: I guffawed at the last line. Nice wind up for the humorous anticlimax.
WhateverItTakes: I think it says something that the theme this week was about something that represents infinity and repetition, and weve got two entries that are all about office life. There seemed to be a disconnect for me that the highest praise John had for his job was that he didnt hate and could keep doing it suddenly being full of resolve and taking on work to climb the company ladder. Hes been there for six months, why would he have the expectation of being promoted to manager anyway? Ultimately were left with a story about a professed boring man who doesnt do anything particular interesting, and then theres some weirdness in the end about how hes standing over himself while hes in bed which questions whether it was a dream sequence or insanity or something.
Votes:
1.) FlowersisBritish
2.) El Topo
3.) Zanos
El Topo: I like how you combined a plethora of sexual imagery into this short piece. Maybe its just me, though, but I was also confused the entire time with the violence also happening in real life
I think? Still, it was poetic and visual and maybe it didnt matter.
FlowersisBritish: Beautiful embedding of fairy tale, nice language use. This would make for a great RPG.
FairyD: Wow this was creepy. I guess I think cults are creepy. This reminded me of The Lottery a tiny bit. It was also interesting to see that the members were unsure too.
Freikfox: Wow this was really interesting, with the internal conflict of love and bloodlust. I liked how you built up how strong the relationship was and then from what I understood, the MC kills his wife or cant return to her and its just tragic!
Cheat Code: Really strong first half. I really liked how visual this was and how the old man seemed to be so accepting of death and confident of it. I felt a little rushed through him replaying the WWII scene though. It was interesting to think about winning the gods approval but losing his own, and how they werent in alignment.
Ward: Oh man this was so tragically sad and hopeless. Why must English professors be paid so little! I pictures German little gummy bears. Mmm. But, I feel like younger kids would be into them, not necessarily teens. Well, I guess teens would be too, but I imagine the teacher would make more money selling smart phones, video games, or drugs. Maybe those are more expensive to get in the first place. Anyway, minor point.
Zanos: I liked all the imagery but maybe for me it was a little too much world-building, but take that with a grain of salt. I liked all the dream-like descriptions too. Great ending! There were times where I felt like the pace slowed. Regardless, I cant believe you said this is one of your first entries. Pretty awesome start.
MikeM: You did a good job of hooking the reader with fun visuals and dialog. I also liked how you described how the MC saved his mom without explicitly saying that, and I liked the whole paradox sickness idea too, and poking fun of the butterfly effect. You built the characters well.
Ashes: Wow this was an intense story dads burying their daughters in the desert. I would have loved to hear more of the living sisters perspective or response to it all. I think I got confused at times, but was still able to go for the ride. It was interesting how the living sister was in conflict about praying for her dad vs. respecting her now killed sister. I like how easily you bring a reader into another culture or way of thinking, in such short stories. It's refreshing.
Cyan: Wow this was so powerful in such a short story. I loved how concrete your ouroboros was and yet how powerful it was in that he didnt know what he was doing and how it wouldnt stop until the end of everything! How chaotic but orderly. So metaphorical of our own lives.
Neener: I loved how you set this up and all the details about the biodome, and how you built Doc Ks character.
Nezumi: Ha! I loved how you were able to find such strong meaning in the mundane instances of everyday life. So true.
Whaterverittakes: Wow, I liked how you really exemplified the lives of so many people in this story. Its just so raw and sad. Not a lot of people are able to recognize this or talk about it!
Tangent: Thanks for all the feedback. I was hoping it'd work well that I left out actually what was done and said... it seemed to work for some readers. It's true that I didn't really want anyone to be a very clear protagonist or antagonist but that seemed to not quite work out. I agree that the husband was the strongest in terms of his character, but I was hoping that maybe the reader would still question what happened. I also wanted to highlight this idea that I think that women are sometimes told they are "crazy" for thinking what they think, or that they are creating problems out of nothing. I wanted to make that unclear... as in, whether or not that was true. I agree the therapist wasn't professional, but I imagine it's hard at times to be human and professional, and I wanted to point out that despite his lack of professionalism, he was pursuing work in another state.
Votes:
1. FlowersisBritish
2. MikeM
3. Whateveritakes
FlowersisBritish: Beautiful embedding of fairy tale, nice language use. This would make for a great RPG.
FairyD: Wow this was creepy. I guess I think cults are creepy. This reminded me of The Lottery a tiny bit. It was also interesting to see that the members were unsure too.
Freikfox: Wow this was really interesting, with the internal conflict of love and bloodlust. I liked how you built up how strong the relationship was and then from what I understood, the MC kills his wife or cant return to her and its just tragic!
Cheat Code: Really strong first half. I really liked how visual this was and how the old man seemed to be so accepting of death and confident of it. I felt a little rushed through him replaying the WWII scene though. It was interesting to think about winning the gods approval but losing his own, and how they werent in alignment.
Ward: Oh man this was so tragically sad and hopeless. Why must English professors be paid so little! I pictures German little gummy bears. Mmm. But, I feel like younger kids would be into them, not necessarily teens. Well, I guess teens would be too, but I imagine the teacher would make more money selling smart phones, video games, or drugs. Maybe those are more expensive to get in the first place. Anyway, minor point.
Zanos: I liked all the imagery but maybe for me it was a little too much world-building, but take that with a grain of salt. I liked all the dream-like descriptions too. Great ending! There were times where I felt like the pace slowed. Regardless, I cant believe you said this is one of your first entries. Pretty awesome start.
MikeM: You did a good job of hooking the reader with fun visuals and dialog. I also liked how you described how the MC saved his mom without explicitly saying that, and I liked the whole paradox sickness idea too, and poking fun of the butterfly effect. You built the characters well.
Ashes: Wow this was an intense story dads burying their daughters in the desert. I would have loved to hear more of the living sisters perspective or response to it all. I think I got confused at times, but was still able to go for the ride. It was interesting how the living sister was in conflict about praying for her dad vs. respecting her now killed sister. I like how easily you bring a reader into another culture or way of thinking, in such short stories. It's refreshing.
Cyan: Wow this was so powerful in such a short story. I loved how concrete your ouroboros was and yet how powerful it was in that he didnt know what he was doing and how it wouldnt stop until the end of everything! How chaotic but orderly. So metaphorical of our own lives.
Neener: I loved how you set this up and all the details about the biodome, and how you built Doc Ks character.
Nezumi: Ha! I loved how you were able to find such strong meaning in the mundane instances of everyday life. So true.
Whaterverittakes: Wow, I liked how you really exemplified the lives of so many people in this story. Its just so raw and sad. Not a lot of people are able to recognize this or talk about it!
Tangent: Thanks for all the feedback. I was hoping it'd work well that I left out actually what was done and said... it seemed to work for some readers. It's true that I didn't really want anyone to be a very clear protagonist or antagonist but that seemed to not quite work out. I agree that the husband was the strongest in terms of his character, but I was hoping that maybe the reader would still question what happened. I also wanted to highlight this idea that I think that women are sometimes told they are "crazy" for thinking what they think, or that they are creating problems out of nothing. I wanted to make that unclear... as in, whether or not that was true. I agree the therapist wasn't professional, but I imagine it's hard at times to be human and professional, and I wanted to point out that despite his lack of professionalism, he was pursuing work in another state.
Votes:
1. FlowersisBritish
2. MikeM
3. Whateveritakes
It really was tough to vote this go-round. Good stuff, all.
1. FlowersisBritish - "The Kingdom of Beasts and Fowls"
2. Neeener - "Shrimp"
3. Mike M - "Anachronauts"
Cheat Code- the first half and second half felt like they came from two different stories. Which was a bummer because I really liked the story the first half seemed to be promising.
Mike M- I already have a headcanon for how the "every member has to have saved their own life as a baby" works
Ohhhhhhh.
1. FlowersisBritish - "The Kingdom of Beasts and Fowls"
2. Neeener - "Shrimp"
3. Mike M - "Anachronauts"
Cheat Code- the first half and second half felt like they came from two different stories. Which was a bummer because I really liked the story the first half seemed to be promising.
Mike M- I already have a headcanon for how the "every member has to have saved their own life as a baby" works
Ohhhhhhh.
The Results are in!!!
1.) Neeener - Shrimp
2.) Mike M - Anachronauts
3.) FlowersisBritish - The Kingdom of Beasts and Fowls
Vote Count:
Neeener - 16 (4)
Mike M - 14 (2)
FlowersisBritish - 13 (4)
Tangent - 8 (1)
Zanos - 4
Frekifox7 - 2
Ward - 2
WhateverItTakes - 2
El Topo - 2
Ashes - 2
Cyan - 1
Congratulation Neeener to your first (I think) victory! Looking forward to what you'll have in store for us!
1.) Neeener - Shrimp
2.) Mike M - Anachronauts
3.) FlowersisBritish - The Kingdom of Beasts and Fowls
Vote Count:
Neeener - 16 (4)
Mike M - 14 (2)
FlowersisBritish - 13 (4)
Tangent - 8 (1)
Zanos - 4
Frekifox7 - 2
Ward - 2
WhateverItTakes - 2
El Topo - 2
Ashes - 2
Cyan - 1
Congratulation Neeener to your first (I think) victory! Looking forward to what you'll have in store for us!
WhateverItTakes
Banned
Sorry I never got a chance to read most of everyones, I'll definitely be looking back through! Though I have to say I really liked nezumi's entry, and cyan's was a great norse tale.
Thanks for the comments from people! It was an idea that came with the challenge. Initially I wanted him to kill himself in his bed amd earn his freedom from his humdrum life, but it didnt seem right somehow. The whole idea was he was working so fast he was about to overtake himself in the circuit of his own life but I don't think I put that across too well...
Here's to next time!
Thanks for the comments from people! It was an idea that came with the challenge. Initially I wanted him to kill himself in his bed amd earn his freedom from his humdrum life, but it didnt seem right somehow. The whole idea was he was working so fast he was about to overtake himself in the circuit of his own life but I don't think I put that across too well...
Here's to next time!
Yay! This is cool, it is indeed my first win!
I will have the new thread up ASAP, for some reason I'm not able to post a new thread so I'm going to see if Cyan can hook me up with permissions etc. I'll have it up today one way or another!
Juniors can't make threads. We use to just get a regular to post on their behalf.
But now that we got somebody on the inside, things are a lot easier.
The red wizard magicks posts to new threads somehow, so you could even post it in here as a new post.
edit: Oh and congrats. I had a feeling you'd win one of these sooner rather than later.
Yay! This is cool, it is indeed my first win!
I will have the new thread up ASAP, for some reason I'm not able to post a new thread so I'm going to see if Cyan can hook me up with permissions etc. I'll have it up today one way or another!
Yeah just post the thread as a post in here and watch Cyan work his
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