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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #160 - "Down the Hole"
- Thread starter Nezumi
- Start date
- Status
You're killing me, Smalls!
I am in possession of his contribution, I will get our shit together and posted as soon as possible : )Mike, stop revising already and submit the story
Or tell Blargonaut to hurry up.
Everyone just read the other entries in the meantime!
Blargonaut
Banned
I just sent it to your inbox, Mike
Have mercy on us, thread sovereign!
MEA CULPA
MEAAA CULLPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
License Transfer
Usual password, 5,000 words.
Sorry for the delay, but I got sucked into the vortex of an errand while I was out with my wife that took four god damned hours.
Plus this was a pain to format. Enjoy!
Usual password, 5,000 words.
Sorry for the delay, but I got sucked into the vortex of an errand while I was out with my wife that took four god damned hours.
Plus this was a pain to format. Enjoy!
Quote to view
Alright! Here we go!
The Entries:
"Star Search for the Thirty-first Century" - Ward & karenq0506
"Darkness at the Center of Town" - John Dunbar & Sethista
"Sun City, Moon City" - Cyan & Tangent
"BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL" - Figments
"Icarus" - Metaphoreus & FlowersisBritish
"Purgatory" - ZeroRay & Rock And Roll
"On The Terminator" - Charade & mu cephei
"The Dreamer" - Cahinsawkitten & Aaron
"The Search for Paradise" - Ourobolus & Nezumi
"Lost" - Sober & Valhelm
"License Transfer" - Mike M & Blargonaut
Before I have even read any of the entries I just wanted to say how awesome it is that almost every pair actually submitted a story. I was really unsure if the secondary would be a good idea but seeing how everyone committed to it was really awesome.
The Entries:
"Star Search for the Thirty-first Century" - Ward & karenq0506
"Darkness at the Center of Town" - John Dunbar & Sethista
"Sun City, Moon City" - Cyan & Tangent
"BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL" - Figments
"Icarus" - Metaphoreus & FlowersisBritish
"Purgatory" - ZeroRay & Rock And Roll
"On The Terminator" - Charade & mu cephei
"The Dreamer" - Cahinsawkitten & Aaron
"The Search for Paradise" - Ourobolus & Nezumi
"Lost" - Sober & Valhelm
"License Transfer" - Mike M & Blargonaut
Before I have even read any of the entries I just wanted to say how awesome it is that almost every pair actually submitted a story. I was really unsure if the secondary would be a good idea but seeing how everyone committed to it was really awesome.
Votes:
1- Sober & Valhelm
2- Ourobolus & Nezumi
3- Mike M & Blargonaut
Comments:
karenq0506 & Ward - While it's an interesting premise and setting, there needed to be more of the main character to carry it through. There's not enough of his personality to carry the story all the way to the end.
John Dunbar & Sethista - I wish the old man had been so shocked by her heresy that he fell in the hole. He could have clung to the edge to pop back up when she looks in after him. Concept is great, but these conversations feel a little labored. I enjoyed the characters, but don't get the ending.
Cyan & Tangent - Not knowing the circumstances of his sentencing leaves a hole in the character. His circumstances would not only inform him, but the world around him. It's an interesting world here, but there's not quite enough of it. Like the possiblity of being tossed out as trash needs to be somehow eluded to earlier for it to have an impact.
Figments - You have something great here with the situation and pathos going on, but there needs to be a hook at the beginning. There are just too many unknowns, and you take too long to fill in those blanks. Some never get filled in properly. So it feels like coming into a movie halfway finished.
Metaphoreus & FlowersisBritish - Part one is great, but I really dislike multiple character POVs in first person. It's hard to get a grip on any of the characters that way, and I was too confused halfway through part two to get most of it. I also don't feel the ending is justified by what happens before it.
ZeroRay & Rock And Roll - It's a strong set up, but the conversation between doctors goes on a really long time before it finally gets somewhere. It isn't helped by a certain vagueness running through the story about the background details, though the twist was well done.
Charade & mu cephei - It's a good set up for a heist, but I wanted a little more detail on the characters before things kicked off. They weren't distinct enough for me. While it's a story told well in words and world, I kept wanting a little more to look forward to. A reason I'm following this character.
Ourobolus & Nezumi - It was a sweet little story right up to the swearing. I guess that was meant as a shock, but it just seems out of place. I also think it went a little long in the journey, but it has a really good payoff at the end that makes it worth it.
Sober & Valhelm - I thought it was great right up until the ending. Building a story out of logs is a tricky thing, but you do a good job of making characters distinct and building tension. But that ending is such a cop out. The non ending way too common in 70s sci-fi films.
Mike M & Blargonaut - It's a clever construct the way the two stories diverge and then come together at the end, but the signal to noise ratio leans a little too much on noise. You're being clever on top of being secretive on top of injecting a lot of sci-fi jargon... it ends up being too much, and takes away from the story.
1- Sober & Valhelm
2- Ourobolus & Nezumi
3- Mike M & Blargonaut
Comments:
karenq0506 & Ward - While it's an interesting premise and setting, there needed to be more of the main character to carry it through. There's not enough of his personality to carry the story all the way to the end.
John Dunbar & Sethista - I wish the old man had been so shocked by her heresy that he fell in the hole. He could have clung to the edge to pop back up when she looks in after him. Concept is great, but these conversations feel a little labored. I enjoyed the characters, but don't get the ending.
Cyan & Tangent - Not knowing the circumstances of his sentencing leaves a hole in the character. His circumstances would not only inform him, but the world around him. It's an interesting world here, but there's not quite enough of it. Like the possiblity of being tossed out as trash needs to be somehow eluded to earlier for it to have an impact.
Figments - You have something great here with the situation and pathos going on, but there needs to be a hook at the beginning. There are just too many unknowns, and you take too long to fill in those blanks. Some never get filled in properly. So it feels like coming into a movie halfway finished.
Metaphoreus & FlowersisBritish - Part one is great, but I really dislike multiple character POVs in first person. It's hard to get a grip on any of the characters that way, and I was too confused halfway through part two to get most of it. I also don't feel the ending is justified by what happens before it.
ZeroRay & Rock And Roll - It's a strong set up, but the conversation between doctors goes on a really long time before it finally gets somewhere. It isn't helped by a certain vagueness running through the story about the background details, though the twist was well done.
Charade & mu cephei - It's a good set up for a heist, but I wanted a little more detail on the characters before things kicked off. They weren't distinct enough for me. While it's a story told well in words and world, I kept wanting a little more to look forward to. A reason I'm following this character.
Ourobolus & Nezumi - It was a sweet little story right up to the swearing. I guess that was meant as a shock, but it just seems out of place. I also think it went a little long in the journey, but it has a really good payoff at the end that makes it worth it.
Sober & Valhelm - I thought it was great right up until the ending. Building a story out of logs is a tricky thing, but you do a good job of making characters distinct and building tension. But that ending is such a cop out. The non ending way too common in 70s sci-fi films.
Mike M & Blargonaut - It's a clever construct the way the two stories diverge and then come together at the end, but the signal to noise ratio leans a little too much on noise. You're being clever on top of being secretive on top of injecting a lot of sci-fi jargon... it ends up being too much, and takes away from the story.
This is all your fucking fault!Again with the fucking swearing?
Lol! I had planned on posting that as well.
Rock And Roll
Member
Karen & Ward - I was hooked from the first few paragraphs but it kind of just coasted along from that point. Still a good read but it never really kicked into high .
John & Sethista - Well paced story with good characters.
Cyan & Tangent - The first half of this story was excellent. The descriptions of free falling were well done. The second half felt a bit dragged out, could have been a bit shorter
Figments - I enjoyed this one, you write really good descriptions and your word selection always seems fresh
Flowers & Metaphoreus - I liked the back and forth perspectives for the most part. I thought it was a bit of a slow burner though and didn't quite understand what was going on toward the end.
Charade & Mu - Great story told. Well realized world and characters with a very cool atmosphere and ending.
Aaron & Chainsaw - I like the story but the tone felt a bit dry
Nezumi & Ourobolus - Awesome characters. The story flowed great. I liked the casual cussing, made the lemmings feel human. Animal Farm vibes.
Sober & Valhelm - Enjoyable sci-fi story with good characters. Only main gripe was some formatting errors made it difficult to follow at points.
Blargonaut & Mike M - Cool idea but it was a bit too hard for me to follow along with.
1) Charade & mu cephei
2) John Dunbar & Sethista
3) Cyan & Tangent
HM: Nezumi & Ourbolus, I'd give this a 1st place if Nezumi hadn't won the last competition. Keep things fresh around here and you'll probably get a bunch of votes without my help anyway Great work though!
HM part 2: Everyone. Working with a partner was a challenging and rewarding experience. I think we all did great feeding off each other's creativity as every story was really enjoyable.
John & Sethista - Well paced story with good characters.
Cyan & Tangent - The first half of this story was excellent. The descriptions of free falling were well done. The second half felt a bit dragged out, could have been a bit shorter
Figments - I enjoyed this one, you write really good descriptions and your word selection always seems fresh
Flowers & Metaphoreus - I liked the back and forth perspectives for the most part. I thought it was a bit of a slow burner though and didn't quite understand what was going on toward the end.
Charade & Mu - Great story told. Well realized world and characters with a very cool atmosphere and ending.
Aaron & Chainsaw - I like the story but the tone felt a bit dry
Nezumi & Ourobolus - Awesome characters. The story flowed great. I liked the casual cussing, made the lemmings feel human. Animal Farm vibes.
Sober & Valhelm - Enjoyable sci-fi story with good characters. Only main gripe was some formatting errors made it difficult to follow at points.
Blargonaut & Mike M - Cool idea but it was a bit too hard for me to follow along with.
1) Charade & mu cephei
2) John Dunbar & Sethista
3) Cyan & Tangent
HM: Nezumi & Ourbolus, I'd give this a 1st place if Nezumi hadn't won the last competition. Keep things fresh around here and you'll probably get a bunch of votes without my help anyway
Great work though!HM part 2: Everyone. Working with a partner was a challenging and rewarding experience. I think we all did great feeding off each other's creativity as every story was really enjoyable.
HM: Nezumi & Ourbolus, I'd give this a 1st place if Nezumi hadn't won the last competition. Keep things fresh around here and you'll probably get a bunch of votes without my help anyway
Poor Ouro
Rock And Roll
Member
He got a pretty raw deal, sorry Ourobolus!
I'd like to say thanks, Nezumi, for thinking of and organising this challenge, it's been great.
"Star Search for the Thirty-first Century" - Ward & karenq0506 - I really like the idea, good set up, though I wasn't so keen on the bit where the main chara acts without knowing why.
"Darkness at the Center of Town" - John Dunbar & Sethista - this was great for the most part, with the characterisation and setting, but I would have liked the 'going down the hole' bit and the aftermath to have a little more impact in some way.
"Sun City, Moon City" - Cyan & Tangent - I would have liked more explanation about the world, it seemed really interesting and I really wanted to know more about it.
"BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL" - Figments - lots of this I liked, the descriptions, what I saw of the world. I got a bit confused towards the end.
"Icarus" - Metaphoreus & FlowersisBritish - Fabulous start, distinctive voices. It got a bit more disorienting further on with the first person povs, but I just love this kind of thing, black holes and cannibals
"Purgatory" - ZeroRay & Rock And Roll - I loved the concept, the setting, the twist. The execution could have done with some polishing, but really good.
"The Dreamer" - Chainsawkitten & Aaron - This was great, really atmospheric and mysterious and alien.
"The Search for Paradise" - Ourobolus & Nezumi - Beautifully written. It did drag in the middle for me though.
"Lost" - Sober & Valhelm - I really liked this, each of the individual logs was great. I did have a bit of difficulty forming a coherent whole from them, though.
"License Transfer" - Mike M & Blargonaut - really great concept. I don't think this would have worked without the formatting, the sheer scifi exuberance of one part was a bit tough to follow at times but made a good contrast.
1. Icarus
2. License Transfer
3. The Dreamer
"Star Search for the Thirty-first Century" - Ward & karenq0506 - I really like the idea, good set up, though I wasn't so keen on the bit where the main chara acts without knowing why.
"Darkness at the Center of Town" - John Dunbar & Sethista - this was great for the most part, with the characterisation and setting, but I would have liked the 'going down the hole' bit and the aftermath to have a little more impact in some way.
"Sun City, Moon City" - Cyan & Tangent - I would have liked more explanation about the world, it seemed really interesting and I really wanted to know more about it.
"BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL" - Figments - lots of this I liked, the descriptions, what I saw of the world. I got a bit confused towards the end.
"Icarus" - Metaphoreus & FlowersisBritish - Fabulous start, distinctive voices. It got a bit more disorienting further on with the first person povs, but I just love this kind of thing, black holes and cannibals
"Purgatory" - ZeroRay & Rock And Roll - I loved the concept, the setting, the twist. The execution could have done with some polishing, but really good.
"The Dreamer" - Chainsawkitten & Aaron - This was great, really atmospheric and mysterious and alien.
"The Search for Paradise" - Ourobolus & Nezumi - Beautifully written. It did drag in the middle for me though.
"Lost" - Sober & Valhelm - I really liked this, each of the individual logs was great. I did have a bit of difficulty forming a coherent whole from them, though.
"License Transfer" - Mike M & Blargonaut - really great concept. I don't think this would have worked without the formatting, the sheer scifi exuberance of one part was a bit tough to follow at times but made a good contrast.
1. Icarus
2. License Transfer
3. The Dreamer
Ward & karenq0506: The central concept was a few degrees shy of working for me. I had problems with the notion that people who were part of a space-faring civilization would legitimately believe that they were purchasing stars in the hopes of visiting them some day when they would otherwise be well acquainted with the limitations of space travel. More importantly, though, the ultimate motivating factor did not work at all for me. Accepting the premise that there would be some form of life that could live on a star and could mentally influence someone from half a galaxy away, I couldn’t swallow the idea that they would even know of Bertrand’s existence or share his concepts of deeds of ownership to the point where they would compel him to repossess such a document. They are already demonstrating what could ostensibly be described as god-like abilities in knowing that this transaction even happened, why would beings of such power care what humans do, especially when there’s literally nothing that will come of it?
John Dunbar & Sethista: In theory, the idea of a remote village that practices a religion centered on a god that resides in a possibly bottomless sinkhole has all sorts of creepy potential to it, but I felt a bit cheated that none of the central mysteries of the setup were resolved. Selene helping the Brewer turn his life around by rekindling his faith felt an insufficient consolation prize for me after Selene was pulled out of the hole rather than have anything I was wondering answered. I will say that the village did seem awfully cosmopolitan and connected to the outside world for their obscure religion to be so firmly entrenched.
Cyan & Tangent: Not sure if the world building made sense to me. The fact that the settlement down the side of the cliff face spoke the same language as the city at the top of the cliff face would seem to indicate that they caught people falling relatively frequently (indeed, the fact that Cayua was caught within months of Inan would speak to this), which made it odd to me that there wasn’t anyone there from up top or that they wouldn’t have direct knowledge of how things went up there. Also wasn’t a fan of the failure to commit to an ending, it felt like everything up until this point was building to the dilemma of what to do about Cayua as the driving conflict for the story. But then it just ends almost literally as soon as said conflict was introduced without any resolution whatsoever.
Figments: All pretty well-worn territory (Hell, I wrote a story about a post-apocalyptic hellscape full of murderous robots and a main character named Sarah myself just a couple weeks ago). The ancillary characters didn’t have much development, Sarah was only marginally better, and the whole thing ended abruptly and without satisfactory resolution. That’s the difficulty of writing scifi within such a strict word count, it makes it difficult to do satisfactory world building and characterization in the same space, so nothing but sympathy for any difficulties you may have encountered on the way.
Metaphoreus & Flowersis British: Man, this was thiiiiiiiis close to being almost perfect to me. There was a lot I liked about this, especially stuff like the play on the “tick tock” with the “knock knock” and the way it becomes “tock tick” the way that the events that play out circle back upon itself. There was a definite Event Horizon vibe to this—which is one of my favorite movies, incidentally—and it was a great interpretation of the theme. And it is because I liked it so much, I’m going to pick all the nits I had with this, because I don’t think any of it is so insurmountable that another revision wouldn’t smooth it out quickly. First off, the exposition via the dialogue in the first portion where Rubin does a lecture on black hole physics came off as a bit forced and it seemed clear that he was informing the reader by proxy. The second the signal analyst mentioned that they had received a signal and asked if it could be from the future, it was instantly apparent that’s what it was. I also don’t believe that if they had received this signal, they would have sat on it. I know Phil had a thing going on about those who view the future are doomed to repeat it, but that was really weak cover for me. Receiving a signal from a black hole would be a big deal, no matter how you cut it. I also cringed at the mention of Taylor Swift, as I do not believe for a hot minute that she’s going to have a meaningful and lasting impact on musical culture hundreds of years from now. Of greater concern was the notion that the Captain would move the ship closer to the black hole (Why? On the scale we’re dealing with, a few thousand miles wouldn’t make a perceptible difference to the view), that somehow this would largely go unnoticed/uncommented on by the crew, and that the captain would be so cavalier in his dismissal of Rubin’s concerns over this action, or that Rubin somehow wouldn’t have noticed the discrepancy when double checking the ship’s calculations for their escape trajectory. Also not sure how the ship could be structurally compromised by the gravitational forces of the black hole, and yet have portions remain inhabitable for a relatively prolonged period, seems like it would be an all or nothing proposition. But seriously, I loved this one overall. Just needs a bit of spit polish to make it shine.
ZeroRay & Rock And Roll: I thought calling the prototype “Quinnception” was a little too on the nose and derivative, and possibly kind of tipped your hand on where the story was ultimately going to go. The pacing felt a little off to me too, as the revelation that Quinn was a brain in a jar came surprisingly far upstream given how much story remained after that point, which seemed to result in some rushed bits in the first portion before the reveal. I almost had the visual impression that these guys were literally running around, they were so exuberant in their dialogue and cheery about the business they were involved in. And part of that plays into my second issue is that I had a difficult time believing Quinn’s motivations. He was downright giddy about this stuff, and I’m supposed to believe that the final step of the formula of having people kill themselves on command is a bridge he won’t cross? But making a formula where people will kill other people is hunky dory? What about all the people he was responsible for killing up until that point to make it even that far? He was selling remorse, but I wasn’t buying.
Charade & mu cephi: The Silkspire in particular reminded me of the Gentleman Bastard series and its Elderglass structures. I don’t know if that comparison would still be as striking to me if it wasn’t a story about thieves pulling a heist. Honestly, I thought this was kind of an uneven split of content. The meat of the story is in the second half with the chaplain’s tale, the first half of it could be stricken away entirely and you would still have a fully functional and complete story. The only real important take-aways from the first half is that Rane is a thief, has a team, and got caught, all of which are reiterated in the second half anyway. But I really enjoyed that second half, I just wish the first half mattered more to the central conflict.
Chainsawkitten & Aaron: I’m not fully sure what it is I read. Sounds kind of like a hunting expedition for dinosaurs, so at first I’m thinking some sort of caveman-esque fantasy setting, but then Cthulhu shows up. So now I’m thinking this is maybe the world after Cthulhu has awoken and done and the world has been nuked back to the stone age. But then the narrator goes on about sleeping until the end of the world, and now I don’t know what I’m reading. Is this a prehistoric Cthulhu cult hunting dinosaurs? Is this the far flung distant future where something similar to dinosaurs exist and humans have gone all Morlock? Outside of the ambiguity of when this is supposed to be happening (and I’m inclined to think it’s the latter option, as I don’t envision either of you guys to be the sort to make a boo-boo as big as humans and dinosaurs being contemporary), I found this well done.
Ourobolus & Nezumi: Heh, I had been thinking to myself “If I draw Nezumi, we’re going to end up writing about furry animals in a burrow somewhere.” Oh, what could have been. The swearing seemed a little out of place, even though it was largely confined to a single foul-mouthed character. It just seemed weird against a backdrop of anthropomorphic animals out of a children’s book or movie or something. They also all seemed rather cognizant with functioning intellects, which makes it a bit odd that so many of them would agree to go find “paradise” without someone at least asking “which way is it and how do you know?” It was like elevating a fable or something to a more sophisticated (or at least more adult) language without addressing the logic gaps that are part and parcel with it. Wish I knew if they survived the jump or not, because I kind of feel Rocky needs to get his comeuppance and die : P
Sober & Valhelm: I don't understand what this story was about. The ending seems to imply that it may have been some sort of experiment to see what happens if you send a bunch of people into the depths of space with no further instructions or something?
Mike M & Blargonaut: OMFG, that was a pain in the ass to format. Even after I set both versions of our story in the same formatting, somehow the number of lines per column didn’t work out right, and I had to meticulously cut and paste it together. Also, my version had slightly more words and it didn’t seem like that much difference in the amount of dialogue, so I don’t know how Blargonaut’s column went longer than mine. Fun concept to do, though.
Votes:
1. Icarus
2. On the Terminator
3. The Dreamer
John Dunbar & Sethista: In theory, the idea of a remote village that practices a religion centered on a god that resides in a possibly bottomless sinkhole has all sorts of creepy potential to it, but I felt a bit cheated that none of the central mysteries of the setup were resolved. Selene helping the Brewer turn his life around by rekindling his faith felt an insufficient consolation prize for me after Selene was pulled out of the hole rather than have anything I was wondering answered. I will say that the village did seem awfully cosmopolitan and connected to the outside world for their obscure religion to be so firmly entrenched.
Cyan & Tangent: Not sure if the world building made sense to me. The fact that the settlement down the side of the cliff face spoke the same language as the city at the top of the cliff face would seem to indicate that they caught people falling relatively frequently (indeed, the fact that Cayua was caught within months of Inan would speak to this), which made it odd to me that there wasn’t anyone there from up top or that they wouldn’t have direct knowledge of how things went up there. Also wasn’t a fan of the failure to commit to an ending, it felt like everything up until this point was building to the dilemma of what to do about Cayua as the driving conflict for the story. But then it just ends almost literally as soon as said conflict was introduced without any resolution whatsoever.
Figments: All pretty well-worn territory (Hell, I wrote a story about a post-apocalyptic hellscape full of murderous robots and a main character named Sarah myself just a couple weeks ago). The ancillary characters didn’t have much development, Sarah was only marginally better, and the whole thing ended abruptly and without satisfactory resolution. That’s the difficulty of writing scifi within such a strict word count, it makes it difficult to do satisfactory world building and characterization in the same space, so nothing but sympathy for any difficulties you may have encountered on the way.
Metaphoreus & Flowersis British: Man, this was thiiiiiiiis close to being almost perfect to me. There was a lot I liked about this, especially stuff like the play on the “tick tock” with the “knock knock” and the way it becomes “tock tick” the way that the events that play out circle back upon itself. There was a definite Event Horizon vibe to this—which is one of my favorite movies, incidentally—and it was a great interpretation of the theme. And it is because I liked it so much, I’m going to pick all the nits I had with this, because I don’t think any of it is so insurmountable that another revision wouldn’t smooth it out quickly. First off, the exposition via the dialogue in the first portion where Rubin does a lecture on black hole physics came off as a bit forced and it seemed clear that he was informing the reader by proxy. The second the signal analyst mentioned that they had received a signal and asked if it could be from the future, it was instantly apparent that’s what it was. I also don’t believe that if they had received this signal, they would have sat on it. I know Phil had a thing going on about those who view the future are doomed to repeat it, but that was really weak cover for me. Receiving a signal from a black hole would be a big deal, no matter how you cut it. I also cringed at the mention of Taylor Swift, as I do not believe for a hot minute that she’s going to have a meaningful and lasting impact on musical culture hundreds of years from now. Of greater concern was the notion that the Captain would move the ship closer to the black hole (Why? On the scale we’re dealing with, a few thousand miles wouldn’t make a perceptible difference to the view), that somehow this would largely go unnoticed/uncommented on by the crew, and that the captain would be so cavalier in his dismissal of Rubin’s concerns over this action, or that Rubin somehow wouldn’t have noticed the discrepancy when double checking the ship’s calculations for their escape trajectory. Also not sure how the ship could be structurally compromised by the gravitational forces of the black hole, and yet have portions remain inhabitable for a relatively prolonged period, seems like it would be an all or nothing proposition. But seriously, I loved this one overall. Just needs a bit of spit polish to make it shine.
ZeroRay & Rock And Roll: I thought calling the prototype “Quinnception” was a little too on the nose and derivative, and possibly kind of tipped your hand on where the story was ultimately going to go. The pacing felt a little off to me too, as the revelation that Quinn was a brain in a jar came surprisingly far upstream given how much story remained after that point, which seemed to result in some rushed bits in the first portion before the reveal. I almost had the visual impression that these guys were literally running around, they were so exuberant in their dialogue and cheery about the business they were involved in. And part of that plays into my second issue is that I had a difficult time believing Quinn’s motivations. He was downright giddy about this stuff, and I’m supposed to believe that the final step of the formula of having people kill themselves on command is a bridge he won’t cross? But making a formula where people will kill other people is hunky dory? What about all the people he was responsible for killing up until that point to make it even that far? He was selling remorse, but I wasn’t buying.
Charade & mu cephi: The Silkspire in particular reminded me of the Gentleman Bastard series and its Elderglass structures. I don’t know if that comparison would still be as striking to me if it wasn’t a story about thieves pulling a heist. Honestly, I thought this was kind of an uneven split of content. The meat of the story is in the second half with the chaplain’s tale, the first half of it could be stricken away entirely and you would still have a fully functional and complete story. The only real important take-aways from the first half is that Rane is a thief, has a team, and got caught, all of which are reiterated in the second half anyway. But I really enjoyed that second half, I just wish the first half mattered more to the central conflict.
Chainsawkitten & Aaron: I’m not fully sure what it is I read. Sounds kind of like a hunting expedition for dinosaurs, so at first I’m thinking some sort of caveman-esque fantasy setting, but then Cthulhu shows up. So now I’m thinking this is maybe the world after Cthulhu has awoken and done and the world has been nuked back to the stone age. But then the narrator goes on about sleeping until the end of the world, and now I don’t know what I’m reading. Is this a prehistoric Cthulhu cult hunting dinosaurs? Is this the far flung distant future where something similar to dinosaurs exist and humans have gone all Morlock? Outside of the ambiguity of when this is supposed to be happening (and I’m inclined to think it’s the latter option, as I don’t envision either of you guys to be the sort to make a boo-boo as big as humans and dinosaurs being contemporary), I found this well done.
Ourobolus & Nezumi: Heh, I had been thinking to myself “If I draw Nezumi, we’re going to end up writing about furry animals in a burrow somewhere.” Oh, what could have been. The swearing seemed a little out of place, even though it was largely confined to a single foul-mouthed character. It just seemed weird against a backdrop of anthropomorphic animals out of a children’s book or movie or something. They also all seemed rather cognizant with functioning intellects, which makes it a bit odd that so many of them would agree to go find “paradise” without someone at least asking “which way is it and how do you know?” It was like elevating a fable or something to a more sophisticated (or at least more adult) language without addressing the logic gaps that are part and parcel with it. Wish I knew if they survived the jump or not, because I kind of feel Rocky needs to get his comeuppance and die : P
Sober & Valhelm: I don't understand what this story was about. The ending seems to imply that it may have been some sort of experiment to see what happens if you send a bunch of people into the depths of space with no further instructions or something?
Mike M & Blargonaut: OMFG, that was a pain in the ass to format. Even after I set both versions of our story in the same formatting, somehow the number of lines per column didn’t work out right, and I had to meticulously cut and paste it together. Also, my version had slightly more words and it didn’t seem like that much difference in the amount of dialogue, so I don’t know how Blargonaut’s column went longer than mine. Fun concept to do, though.
Votes:
1. Icarus
2. On the Terminator
3. The Dreamer
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
1. Darkness at the center of town
2. The Search for paradise
3. Purgatory
2. The Search for paradise
3. Purgatory
Star Search for the Thirty-first Century-- karenq0506 & Ward: I liked the setting and the world you set up. I do wonder though if Apple and Google will still be major megacorps that far into the future! Fun to think about. I did feel like the plot sort of wavered as the story went on. Oh btw, this story reminded me of something that exists today! http://www.starregistry.com/.
"Darkness at the Center of Town" - John Dunbar & Sethista: I really liked the main character and the dialog. And, I liked how you set up the story. I wish I had learned more about the consequence of the MC saying that she saw Luciana. Also, I liked the ending, but the last few lines seemed like it ended a bit abruptly, however, maybe that was the intent.
"BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL" Figments: Your dialog is really fun to read and the pace was also great. I got more into the story as it went along.
"Icarus" - Metaphoreus & FlowersisBritish First off, nice layout! Anyway, I liked the dialog and the set up, and the flow of this story. I read the ending twice and it made me smile. I also liked the tick-tock, the knock-knock, and how these seemed to symbolize the theme of time travel and the visitor.
Purgatory - ZeroRay and Rock And Roll: I liked the hearing the thought process of this pretty nutty professor. Also, I didnt realize that one dr was just a brain in the jar after a while. I liked what you two played with, the ethics, guilt, etc. associated with what the doctors were involved in.
"On The Terminator" - Charade & mu cephei: This was a fun read, and I especially liked the 2nd part. I wonder if the second part could be stand alone with a few adjustments Hmm.
"The Dreamer" - Chainsawkitten & Aaron: Man, this made me think how we need more stories with dinosaurs! Awesome! I really liked the mood you created.
"The Search for Paradise" - Ourobolus & Nezumi: This was pretty awesome. It sort of reminded me of the style of Chipmunk and Squirrel by David Sedaris.
"Lost" - Sober & Valhelm: It was cool to read a story in this format and it was fun to read the character names too. I did get a little confused and had trouble following at some points but that could have just been me.
"License Transfer" - Mike M & Blargonaut: That was super fun to read though not on a tablet. (Dont worry, I switched to a very large screen later.) What a creative idea! There were a lot of cool concepts.
Sorry, my feedback got a little more garbled as time went on...
Votes:
1. On The Terminator - Charade & mu cephei
2. The Search for Paradise - Ourobolus & Nezumi
3. Icarus - Metaphoreus & FlowersisBritish
Hm. Darkness at the Center of Town - John Dunbar & Sethista
"Darkness at the Center of Town" - John Dunbar & Sethista: I really liked the main character and the dialog. And, I liked how you set up the story. I wish I had learned more about the consequence of the MC saying that she saw Luciana. Also, I liked the ending, but the last few lines seemed like it ended a bit abruptly, however, maybe that was the intent.
"BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL" Figments: Your dialog is really fun to read and the pace was also great. I got more into the story as it went along.
"Icarus" - Metaphoreus & FlowersisBritish First off, nice layout! Anyway, I liked the dialog and the set up, and the flow of this story. I read the ending twice and it made me smile. I also liked the tick-tock, the knock-knock, and how these seemed to symbolize the theme of time travel and the visitor.
Purgatory - ZeroRay and Rock And Roll: I liked the hearing the thought process of this pretty nutty professor. Also, I didnt realize that one dr was just a brain in the jar after a while. I liked what you two played with, the ethics, guilt, etc. associated with what the doctors were involved in.
"On The Terminator" - Charade & mu cephei: This was a fun read, and I especially liked the 2nd part. I wonder if the second part could be stand alone with a few adjustments Hmm.
"The Dreamer" - Chainsawkitten & Aaron: Man, this made me think how we need more stories with dinosaurs! Awesome! I really liked the mood you created.
"The Search for Paradise" - Ourobolus & Nezumi: This was pretty awesome. It sort of reminded me of the style of Chipmunk and Squirrel by David Sedaris.
"Lost" - Sober & Valhelm: It was cool to read a story in this format and it was fun to read the character names too. I did get a little confused and had trouble following at some points but that could have just been me.
"License Transfer" - Mike M & Blargonaut: That was super fun to read though not on a tablet.
(Dont worry, I switched to a very large screen later.) What a creative idea! There were a lot of cool concepts.Sorry, my feedback got a little more garbled as time went on...
On a side note, I had mentioned to Cyan that it would be cool to write a story about a block of Swiss cheese the size of a city, or larger. Like a rodent heaven. But one little guy gets stuck in one of the Swiss cheese holes. Or another gets lost in it like a corn maze. Or, or -- the possibilities are endless! This idea was vetoed! I guess that was good, I wouldn't want to convey the idea that we can only write about woodlands creatures.
Votes:
1. On The Terminator - Charade & mu cephei
2. The Search for Paradise - Ourobolus & Nezumi
3. Icarus - Metaphoreus & FlowersisBritish
Hm. Darkness at the Center of Town - John Dunbar & Sethista
Metaphoreus
This is semantics, and nothing more
My votes, with very brief comments:
1. The Dreamer. Cool setting, well-told, and short (I read it last, so I really appreciated that bit).
2. The Search for Paradise. Loved the fact that this was about lemmings, and really loved the ending.
3. Sun City, Moon City. I liked the idea of two similar civilizations being separated by a cliff, the one at the bottom imagining the folks falling from the one at the top are angels.
The rest were all really good, too, and I was impressed with the creativity in settings and storylines.
1. The Dreamer. Cool setting, well-told, and short (I read it last, so I really appreciated that bit).
2. The Search for Paradise. Loved the fact that this was about lemmings, and really loved the ending.
3. Sun City, Moon City. I liked the idea of two similar civilizations being separated by a cliff, the one at the bottom imagining the folks falling from the one at the top are angels.
The rest were all really good, too, and I was impressed with the creativity in settings and storylines.
I feel like I /shouldn't/ respond to this stuff, but I always found it fun to discuss intentions. I don't care much for winning.
Now, for fear of being labeled a pretentious cock, I'm gonna start with a warning: I can't write short stories. I'll certainly try, but all I end up doing is offering a glimpse of a world. That's about it. I'm trying to fix that, especially because of the loose ends, but more often than not I'm way too "accidentally subtle", if that means anything.
It's funny because I always get pissed at myself for repeating words. :X
Confusion is natural. I like to fuck with people. Especially when I'm at a disadvantage.
I know the rule of thumb is typically, "It takes a long time to develop a great character", but at the end of the day,
. My only real difficulty writing it was deciding which details were important, which weren't, and which I could make super subtle so that they're still there if you just dig. But then, all that does is forces people to take notes and/or pay attention, which kind of pisses ME off because they shouldn't be doing that.
Also:
. I blame myself for that. I mean, who else am I gonna blame? The computer?
Sweet. Hopefully you enjoyed it thoroughly.
And now for my nominations:
1) Icarus: Awesome concept, loved the way it was put together. And the formatting was neat.
2) Sun City, Moon City: You had me at that opening line, the rest was butter.
3) Lost: You paint a grim picture. I like it.
The rest were cool. You guys sure have some talent.
I'll stick around for more of these contests. Can't resist the challenge.
Now, for fear of being labeled a pretentious cock, I'm gonna start with a warning: I can't write short stories. I'll certainly try, but all I end up doing is offering a glimpse of a world. That's about it. I'm trying to fix that, especially because of the loose ends, but more often than not I'm way too "accidentally subtle", if that means anything.
It's funny because I always get pissed at myself for repeating words. :X
Confusion is natural. I like to fuck with people. Especially when I'm at a disadvantage.
I know the rule of thumb is typically, "It takes a long time to develop a great character", but at the end of the day,
rules are meant to be broken (even if I'm not good enough to break them)
Also:
It's my bad for not describing the world better. It's actually more like TLOU (lot of green, overgrown things rather than Fallout-type nuclear wasteland) and the only killer robots are the one's you're explicitly racist to, and they have guns
Sweet. Hopefully you enjoyed it thoroughly.
And now for my nominations:
1) Icarus: Awesome concept, loved the way it was put together. And the formatting was neat.
2) Sun City, Moon City: You had me at that opening line, the rest was butter.
3) Lost: You paint a grim picture. I like it.
The rest were cool. You guys sure have some talent.
I'll stick around for more of these contests. Can't resist the challenge.
Just tell me if this is bad form. Don't wanna get on anyone's bad side.
John Dunbar
correct about everything
1. "Lost" - Sober & Valhelm
2. "The Search for Paradise" - Ourobolus & Nezumi
3. "Sun City, Moon City" - Cyan & Tangent
2. "The Search for Paradise" - Ourobolus & Nezumi
3. "Sun City, Moon City" - Cyan & Tangent
Hey, *I* already voted : P
Haha, my first thought on realizing what the characters were was "this is totally a Tangent story!"
The Results
1.) "Icarus" by Metaphoreus and FlowersisBritish
2.) "Sun City, Moon City" by Cyan and Tangent
3.) "The Search for Paradise" by Ourobolus and Nezumi
Vote Count:
Metaphoreus & FlowersisBritish - 22 (5)
Cyan & Tangent - 16 (3)
Ourobolus & Nezumi - 13
Aaron & Chainsawkitten - 11 (3)
Charade & mu cephei - 11 (2)
Sober & Valhelm - 8 (2)
John Dunbar & Sephista - 6 (1)
Mike M & Blargonaut - 5
Zero Ray & Rock And Roll - 2
Ward & karenq0506 - 2
Congratulation to our two winners! How you deal with the privilege of making the new thread is entirely up to you. Flip a coin, work out a theme together, how ever you want to do it.
1.) "Icarus" by Metaphoreus and FlowersisBritish
2.) "Sun City, Moon City" by Cyan and Tangent
3.) "The Search for Paradise" by Ourobolus and Nezumi
Vote Count:
Metaphoreus & FlowersisBritish - 22 (5)
Cyan & Tangent - 16 (3)
Ourobolus & Nezumi - 13
Aaron & Chainsawkitten - 11 (3)
Charade & mu cephei - 11 (2)
Sober & Valhelm - 8 (2)
John Dunbar & Sephista - 6 (1)
Mike M & Blargonaut - 5
Zero Ray & Rock And Roll - 2
Ward & karenq0506 - 2
Congratulation to our two winners! How you deal with the privilege of making the new thread is entirely up to you. Flip a coin, work out a theme together, how ever you want to do it.
Metaphoreus
This is semantics, and nothing more
Thanks, everyone! And thanks for all the helpful comments, too.
Should have a new thread up within a few minutes.
EDIT: The new thread is up.
Should have a new thread up within a few minutes.
EDIT: The new thread is up.
Blargonaut
Banned
Bleh, took too long reading, am late again! I really need to stop procrastinating with everything These would have been my votes:
1. Sun City, Moon City (Cyan & Tangent)
2. On the Terminator (Charade & mu cephei)
3. Darkness at the Centre of Town (John Dunbar & Sethista)
These would have been my votes:1. Sun City, Moon City (Cyan & Tangent)
2. On the Terminator (Charade & mu cephei)
3. Darkness at the Centre of Town (John Dunbar & Sethista)
- Status