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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #180 - "Flight"
- Thread starter Cyan
- Start date
- Status
Still don't have a solid idea for this one. Last night I even dreamt about looking for an idea but even in my dream I couldn't find one...
Ah well, this means that once more I'll have to produce something last minute on Saturday morning. Only this time I have to do it under the worst possible circumstances since I'll be spending the weekend with a dear albeit slightly obnoxious friend.
Ah well, this means that once more I'll have to produce something last minute on Saturday morning. Only this time I have to do it under the worst possible circumstances since I'll be spending the weekend with a dear albeit slightly obnoxious friend.
dangerbyrnes
Member
Well, first time doing this, first time doing a short story really.
Hope you enjoy it.
Also, i might have hit the four principles, as best i could.
Last Minute
1936 words
Quote for Password
Hope you enjoy it.
Also, i might have hit the four principles, as best i could.
Last Minute
1936 words
Quote for Password
I'm writing with only a title, see how far this gets me.
The Bones of St. John
(1621 words)
image source
password:
There is a typo in here where "eat" should be "each," sorry.
(1621 words)
image source
password:
There is a typo in here where "eat" should be "each," sorry.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
All you people posting early. It's like you don't even know how the game is played.
Missing Pieces
Usual password.
Usual password.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
"The Twelfth Session"
Incomplete story. All week I was thinking of a charming, personable airplane seat mate who ended up being a terrorist, or two lesbians trying to "flee" a boring date. And then I started this. And now I can't stay awake. Good night!
Dandy Crocodile
Member
One-way Red-eye (1472)
Pebbles (391 words)
How I wish I could fly
The small pebble lay on the sandy shores of the lake and gazed at the sky above. High up he watched the birds turn their endless circles and day after day it longed for nothing more than to be among them. It dreamt of rushing through the air with them, rising and falling as it pleased, looking down on the earth below as it glided past an ever changing landscape.
The other pebbles thought this foolish and whenever it would talk to one of them about its dreams they would say.
We are stones.
We roll and we tumble
We fall with a rumble
We slip and we slide
We are stones
We don't fly or glide
But no matter how often it heard those words, they did nothing to take away the small pebble's longing. Every day it spent looking up at the sky, imagining itself up there.
One day a person visited the sandy shore. Under their feet the stones rolled and tumbled from place to place. They cheered with gleeful happiness as they slipped and slided over and under each other. This was what it meant to be a stone after all.
The small pebble didn't join in their cheering. Still it looked at the sky, admiring and envying the birds, when, suddenly, it was picked up by a soft and warm hand.
Before the small pebble had time to wonder what was happening, the hand dissapeared and from one moment to the next the small pebble was rushing through the air.
Oh, what a wonderful feeling. After all this time of dreaming and hoping to finally getting its dearest wish fullfilled, it almost couldn't believe its luck. Finally, it thought, finally it could meet the birds. It would turn its circles with them and gaze upon the land below. No more rolling and tumbling, no more slipping and sliding.
But as soon as the wonderful dream had begun as soon it ended. The small pebble had only time to catch one last glimpse of the birds above before its marvelous flight turned into a fall and it submerged into the cold waters of the lake.
As the small pebble slowly sank deeper and deeper into the dark depths, a single thought filled its mind.
How I wish I could swim
How I wish I could fly
The small pebble lay on the sandy shores of the lake and gazed at the sky above. High up he watched the birds turn their endless circles and day after day it longed for nothing more than to be among them. It dreamt of rushing through the air with them, rising and falling as it pleased, looking down on the earth below as it glided past an ever changing landscape.
The other pebbles thought this foolish and whenever it would talk to one of them about its dreams they would say.
We are stones.
We roll and we tumble
We fall with a rumble
We slip and we slide
We are stones
We don't fly or glide
But no matter how often it heard those words, they did nothing to take away the small pebble's longing. Every day it spent looking up at the sky, imagining itself up there.
One day a person visited the sandy shore. Under their feet the stones rolled and tumbled from place to place. They cheered with gleeful happiness as they slipped and slided over and under each other. This was what it meant to be a stone after all.
The small pebble didn't join in their cheering. Still it looked at the sky, admiring and envying the birds, when, suddenly, it was picked up by a soft and warm hand.
Before the small pebble had time to wonder what was happening, the hand dissapeared and from one moment to the next the small pebble was rushing through the air.
Oh, what a wonderful feeling. After all this time of dreaming and hoping to finally getting its dearest wish fullfilled, it almost couldn't believe its luck. Finally, it thought, finally it could meet the birds. It would turn its circles with them and gaze upon the land below. No more rolling and tumbling, no more slipping and sliding.
But as soon as the wonderful dream had begun as soon it ended. The small pebble had only time to catch one last glimpse of the birds above before its marvelous flight turned into a fall and it submerged into the cold waters of the lake.
As the small pebble slowly sank deeper and deeper into the dark depths, a single thought filled its mind.
How I wish I could swim
Valhelm - Kamchatka
xeris - A Story about Birds
dangerbrynes - Last Minute
Crunched - The Bones of St. John
Mike M - Missing Pieces
FlowersisBritish - Birds Can Steal Eyes And Give You Someone Else's
Tangent - The Twelfth Session
Dandy Crocodile - One-way Red-eye
Ashes - the oppressive mind
Cyan - The Stars Above
Nezumi - Pebbles
xeris - A Story about Birds
dangerbrynes - Last Minute
Crunched - The Bones of St. John
Mike M - Missing Pieces
FlowersisBritish - Birds Can Steal Eyes And Give You Someone Else's
Tangent - The Twelfth Session
Dandy Crocodile - One-way Red-eye
Ashes - the oppressive mind
Cyan - The Stars Above
Nezumi - Pebbles
Don't you read them on mondays anyway?
Caught! Well, I often start on Sunday, but I know I won't be able to start Sunday or finish Monday this week. The house is full of baby visitors. 2" tall tyrannical dictators are running the show.
dangerbyrnes
Member
1. Cyan
2. Mike M
3. Nezumi
I would love it if someone could criticize my entry, as i feel there's something wrong with how i write, but cant quite figure it out.
2. Mike M
3. Nezumi
I would love it if someone could criticize my entry, as i feel there's something wrong with how i write, but cant quite figure it out.
I almost always provide critique, so don't worry about that. I've got notes.
dangerbyrnes
Member
OK, cool. i'll probably write out my thoughts on some of these then, just wasn't sure how this works yet.
I would have provided critiques but since I'm away for the weekend I only have access to my phone and I'm to lazy to type such a long post on it.
Regarding your story, I don't remember anything that struck me as "wrong" with your writing. I think my exact thoughts were something along the lines of "really solid description of a dogfight. Good action. Either knows what he is writing about or did a lot of research."
Regarding your story, I don't remember anything that struck me as "wrong" with your writing. I think my exact thoughts were something along the lines of "really solid description of a dogfight. Good action. Either knows what he is writing about or did a lot of research."
dangerbyrnes
Member
Thanks, that makes me feel a bit better about my writing, also no, didn't do any real research, just a fan of WW2 era dog-fighting.
Your story reminded me a little of the Barry Hannah short, "Even Greenland." You can find it in Sudden Fiction: American Short-short Stories. It's available to view in the preview on Google Books. I think it is the third or fourth entry. Compare and contrast dialogue and story beats.
There is no one key to writing well. There are some great, quick reads out there that will tighten up your prose style. "On Writing Well" is a good starting point. The mechanics of writing can be taught to a certain extent. The rest comes from practice and experience. Try to read as much well written material as you can find, whether it be fiction or nonfiction. Never doubt your ability to improve, and try not to be overly critical of your work. I like that old Edison quote: "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
The holiday oddly enough makes it so I have less time. I don't think I'll be able to write critiques for everyone, but since you asked I'll give you my quick thoughts.
The story itself was fine, but you need to get away from putting names in every sentence. It hurts the flow, especially in something action-oriented. The other big thing for me was having a break between paragraphs. The second page was particularly hard for me to read.
Also what Crunched said. I'm pretty new to all this myself. Before I did my first NaNoWriMo 4 years ago I hadn't written fiction (unless you count a few papers I pulled out of my arse in college) for over 20 years. I "pansed" that one and the next few, but I've also been grabbing every book on writing that looked good since. Particularly areas that I'm weak on, like outlining.
dangerbyrnes
Member
Yeah, i tried putting names because it felt like it could be confusing to differentiate exactly who was doing what. but that makes sense.
being overly critical is probably my biggest problem. that, along with writing dialogue.
outlining i have no problem with, i have the framework of an entire hard Sci-fi novel, but the actual writing of the chapters has been difficult, i get stuck up on dialogue.
It never gets easier
For many writers, the bulk of the work comes through revision. The first few drafts are mostly the drippy remnants of whatever shit did indeed stick to the wall. If the initial product is not what you envisioned, don't feel discouraged. Give it a while, then revisit, and revise.
I found that Barry Hannah story I mentioned as a standalone piece here. Check it out, see if the comparison helps at all (it's very short).
Notice the vivid, original imagery. "Mystical flamingo" as a shade of red. That's the sort of gem that works magic, whereas a reliance on cliche is a quick death for any story.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Valehim- I liked the various bits of culture in here, from brief Russian to that part with the money. Another strong part was the bits of personality as Anatoly reacted to things. Made me interested in this as a longer work, I would like to read more.
Xeris- your banter is good, and i think it's mostly because it has focus; you're going somewhere with this and the dialogue is constantly pushing towards that. Though I kind of ageeed with Laura and needed James to shut up and stop trying to derail everything. Maybe that is a sign of strong dialogue? Though I didn't care for the faffing about that happened AFTER we reached the point.
DangerByrnes- "One wrong move will kill me" proceeds to psuedo flashback in the middle of a dog fight. Obviously, you already have a little sense of what works and doesn't in this, but I'll chime in some of my own advice too. First, I do think following the action worked well in this, the strongest moments were when the dogfighting was clear. Though, I think the weakest point that made this really confusing for me was I had no sense of "where" in the begining; where did the Nazi come from, where were they going? Don't think your dialogue is as bad as your kicking yourself for. My advice for avoiding cliches is make fun of them in your free time. Not in the story, because making fun of the cliche is still a cliche, just something in your free time, helps you get a lot more familiar with the tropes, pacing, and what to avoid.
Crunched- Your prose is very strong here. You impart an experience that made me really appreciate life in general. The inclusion of technology at the end feels weird to me though. Mostly because it begins very ambiguous as to where/when this was taking place, but then humans come in with their awful machines and it just kind of felt abrupt. Especially since the big threat before that immediatly was a snake.
Mike M- I can see the problem you had with the ending. You set up a very interesting mystery that can not be solved(atleast not in 2,200 words) One note, why wouldn't the spooks stop this themselves? First rule to spooking is cut off action and communication, everyone has cease and desist orders from departments that don't exist. Its cause of this I thought the guy was a spook till it he super open about information.
Tangent- wow that just cuts right off. It's an interesting enough premise I wanted to see the end of. One thing of note, Tessa is already clearly nervous about this meeting, and getting called out for anything is basically everyones biggest fear at these kind of things(like Jerome did, the ass) If I was Tessa, I would never go back there.
Dandy Croc- For someone who likes giving the whole "you're dead" speil, she wasn't very dramtaic. No spooky lights. No cape. Just very matter of fact and no pasazz. Though it is that matter of fact ness and chill that makes the ending feel ver chummy and nice.
Ashes- hit a little too close to home for me at the moment, so I guess it was effective? I appreciate the fourth wall break to reach out to the reader, it's a clever move.
Cyan- Oh wait, we're being literal? The constant reference to the veil should have tipped me off, but I have no idea about old timey science, so I thought maybe that's just how they referred to space. And here I thought it was all allegorical. One of the biggest strengths in this, is that it does work as allegory through out, just one of a lot to like. One opinionated suggestion, maybe go straight into the list after Signor B's pause, I think it might read a little stronger.
Nezumi- This is exactly the reason i threw out my monkey's paw.
Time to contribute to the death match for second place
1. Cyan
2. Valheim
3. Crunched
Xeris- your banter is good, and i think it's mostly because it has focus; you're going somewhere with this and the dialogue is constantly pushing towards that. Though I kind of ageeed with Laura and needed James to shut up and stop trying to derail everything. Maybe that is a sign of strong dialogue? Though I didn't care for the faffing about that happened AFTER we reached the point.
DangerByrnes- "One wrong move will kill me" proceeds to psuedo flashback in the middle of a dog fight. Obviously, you already have a little sense of what works and doesn't in this, but I'll chime in some of my own advice too. First, I do think following the action worked well in this, the strongest moments were when the dogfighting was clear. Though, I think the weakest point that made this really confusing for me was I had no sense of "where" in the begining; where did the Nazi come from, where were they going? Don't think your dialogue is as bad as your kicking yourself for. My advice for avoiding cliches is make fun of them in your free time. Not in the story, because making fun of the cliche is still a cliche, just something in your free time, helps you get a lot more familiar with the tropes, pacing, and what to avoid.
Crunched- Your prose is very strong here. You impart an experience that made me really appreciate life in general. The inclusion of technology at the end feels weird to me though. Mostly because it begins very ambiguous as to where/when this was taking place, but then humans come in with their awful machines and it just kind of felt abrupt. Especially since the big threat before that immediatly was a snake.
Mike M- I can see the problem you had with the ending. You set up a very interesting mystery that can not be solved(atleast not in 2,200 words) One note, why wouldn't the spooks stop this themselves? First rule to spooking is cut off action and communication, everyone has cease and desist orders from departments that don't exist. Its cause of this I thought the guy was a spook till it he super open about information.
Tangent- wow that just cuts right off. It's an interesting enough premise I wanted to see the end of. One thing of note, Tessa is already clearly nervous about this meeting, and getting called out for anything is basically everyones biggest fear at these kind of things(like Jerome did, the ass) If I was Tessa, I would never go back there.
Dandy Croc- For someone who likes giving the whole "you're dead" speil, she wasn't very dramtaic. No spooky lights. No cape. Just very matter of fact and no pasazz. Though it is that matter of fact ness and chill that makes the ending feel ver chummy and nice.
Ashes- hit a little too close to home for me at the moment, so I guess it was effective? I appreciate the fourth wall break to reach out to the reader, it's a clever move.
Cyan- Oh wait, we're being literal? The constant reference to the veil should have tipped me off, but I have no idea about old timey science, so I thought maybe that's just how they referred to space. And here I thought it was all allegorical. One of the biggest strengths in this, is that it does work as allegory through out, just one of a lot to like. One opinionated suggestion, maybe go straight into the list after Signor B's pause, I think it might read a little stronger.
Nezumi- This is exactly the reason i threw out my monkey's paw.
Time to contribute to the death match for second place
1. Cyan
2. Valheim
3. Crunched
I don't know if I'll be able to provide much feedback but I wanted to mention Valhelm's story reminds me of so much Russian literature. Whether Dostoyevsky or Isaac Babel, Russian stories seem preoccupied with wandering, taking it in, small talk with big personalities. I thought of "The Story of my Dovecot," and Raskolnikov walking the streets in Crime and Punishment.
You tapped into that shared world in your setting, which is a good place to start. The place feels like its own character.
You tapped into that shared world in your setting, which is a good place to start. The place feels like its own character.
Dandy Crocodile
Member
1.) Cyan - The Stars Above
2.) Crunched - The Bones of St. John
3.) FlowersisBritish - Birds Can Steal Eyes And Give You Someone Else's
HM) Mike M - Missing Pieces (Watch Lost Season 4 Episode 2 if you haven't already. I couldn't stop comparing your entry with that episode.)
2.) Crunched - The Bones of St. John
3.) FlowersisBritish - Birds Can Steal Eyes And Give You Someone Else's
HM) Mike M - Missing Pieces (Watch Lost Season 4 Episode 2 if you haven't already. I couldn't stop comparing your entry with that episode.)
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
Valhelm: I like the different setting (spend some time on Wikipedia to find out where this place is), but you do need to edit it for ensuring Anatoly’s perspective and where he is in the first segment. It seemed that the sailor was the main character there and then it suddenly switched to Anatoly, who turns out to be the protagonist. So he needs to ‘overhear’ or ‘listen to’ the sailor and woman, not just disappear without us knowing where he is. He’s telling the story, so that shouldn’t happen (even in third person narration). But i guess you trying to get the story events out of the way first, edit later.
Xeris: okay. I would have done without the first paragraph though.
Dangerbrynes: I feel that you’re describing too much, leaving the story no room to speed up where needed, if that makes sense. Useless commentary maybe, but it's all I got.
Crunched: not feeling this one, since I assumed the narrator was a human at some point. Or something... Too many internal paradoxes to deal with for me.
Mike: “the palette of the … and sunless days.” yeah we know, you literally just told us in the previous sentence. OH GODDAMMIT I just figured out where I’d heard that agent’s name before. Cute, Legends of Batman. And now I’m the picturing the Joker going around with “have you seen this bat?!”. I’m okay with this.
Flowers: “they’re”? I’ve seen you do this before, so I’m guessing that’s not a character voice thing. “He finished his half a beer”, I think you can remove ‘his half’ there because it doesn’t add information to ‘finishing a beer’ and it’s kind of distracting. “Daren hoped off” (hopped), also a recurring error if I’m not mistaken. I’m really sorry for being this giant asshole who keeps bullying you about this too. So for something more technical: “She could see all the little constellations..”, while this is you doing character voice, constellations are not little at all. They’re kind of hard to even see in the night’s sky because they’re so big you would never see them in one look. I guess this one didn’t work for me, which is unsurprising since I’m not a fan of mysticism.
Tangent: the hell is a Weka? *google* oh, ok. Too bad the Elephant Bird couldn’t make it. Surely the largest bird ever (which existed in the modern age!) would have an opinion about not being able to flee… I mean fly. Well, it’s kind of the same when it goes to avoiding humans in particular. I like the little (cartoon-like?) characterization you’ve got going here.
Dandy Croc: “’m not supposed to say, though. ” I feel that is grammatically correct and yet wrong because there’s no pause between those words. Is that just me? Oh well.
Ashes: “…not knowing your name stranger.” And now there is a pause, so I would expect a comma. Also I think that ‘myself’ is always one word. Sorry. See Flowers. This felt very ‘real’ though, as far as the discussion went. I think that’s a good thing though. It may sound like a bad deal to be an artist / writer and be exposed to depression as a kind of mandatory state for the job, but where’s the reward without the risk? That’s what I think.
Cyan: oh no, not eagles. Damn you, Peter Jackson. “and the wisest of eagles came up with a plan”: was it to summon Gandalf? That twist, breh. Nice tale though. Cute reuse of historical names.
Nezumi: awww.
Le votes, and I think this is pretty straightforward this time:
1. Ashes
2. Super Cyan Green Drazi (RIP tag)
3. Valhelm
Xeris: okay. I would have done without the first paragraph though.
Dangerbrynes: I feel that you’re describing too much, leaving the story no room to speed up where needed, if that makes sense. Useless commentary maybe, but it's all I got.
Crunched: not feeling this one, since I assumed the narrator was a human at some point. Or something... Too many internal paradoxes to deal with for me.
Mike: “the palette of the … and sunless days.” yeah we know, you literally just told us in the previous sentence.
OH GODDAMMIT I just figured out where I’d heard that agent’s name before. Cute, Legends of Batman. And now I’m the picturing the Joker going around with “have you seen this bat?!”. I’m okay with this. Flowers: “they’re”? I’ve seen you do this before, so I’m guessing that’s not a character voice thing. “He finished his half a beer”, I think you can remove ‘his half’ there because it doesn’t add information to ‘finishing a beer’ and it’s kind of distracting. “Daren hoped off” (hopped), also a recurring error if I’m not mistaken. I’m really sorry for being this giant asshole who keeps bullying you about this too.
So for something more technical: “She could see all the little constellations..”, while this is you doing character voice, constellations are not little at all. They’re kind of hard to even see in the night’s sky because they’re so big you would never see them in one look. I guess this one didn’t work for me, which is unsurprising since I’m not a fan of mysticism.Tangent: the hell is a Weka? *google* oh, ok. Too bad the Elephant Bird couldn’t make it. Surely the largest bird ever (which existed in the modern age!) would have an opinion about not being able to flee… I mean fly. Well, it’s kind of the same when it goes to avoiding humans in particular. I like the little (cartoon-like?) characterization you’ve got going here.
Dandy Croc: “’m not supposed to say, though. ” I feel that is grammatically correct and yet wrong because there’s no pause between those words. Is that just me? Oh well.
Ashes: “…not knowing your name stranger.” And now there is a pause, so I would expect a comma. Also I think that ‘myself’ is always one word. Sorry. See Flowers. This felt very ‘real’ though, as far as the discussion went. I think that’s a good thing though. It may sound like a bad deal to be an artist / writer and be exposed to depression as a kind of mandatory state for the job, but where’s the reward without the risk? That’s what I think.
Cyan: oh no, not eagles. Damn you, Peter Jackson. “and the wisest of eagles came up with a plan”: was it to summon Gandalf? That twist, breh. Nice tale though. Cute reuse of historical names.
Nezumi: awww.
Le votes, and I think this is pretty straightforward this time:
1. Ashes
2. Super Cyan Green Drazi (RIP tag)
3. Valhelm
Xeris - Work on your use of voice. Your first seven sentences are essentially identical, as you keep describing this scene beginning with the subject. You almost never use a compound sentence, and your dialogue is rhythmically pretty monotonous. There's no reason for we the audience to know that much about Laura and James' surroundings, and yet you spend a lot of time with those dull, straightforward sentences. The dialogue is pretty good at times, but it's hard to know where it's going. There's no emotional complexity, so I'm reminded of writing samples from a state reading test. Without any emotion and without any danger, you haven't given us a reason to care for these characters.
I'd really encourage you to read more. If you have the time, try to read at least extended passages from a few novels. Throw in a Victorian book if you can. While Thomas Hardy doesn't write very close to your style, it's great to be exposed to other voices. Your diction could really be improved by some more variety.
dangerbrynes - Indent, dude! Managing white space is pretty important in fiction, academic writing, and pretty much everywhere that isn't Gaf. Spaces between paragraphs would also be very welcome. You've got some formatting errors all over the place. Like Xeris, it would really help you to read a little more, if only to see how professional writing differs from your own. I'm not sure if the dialogue is authentic, but I wasn't a pilot in WW2, so I can't say if it's actually wrong. I really loved a lot of your visual description. While It was straightforward like Xeris', you managed to use a lot of nice adjectives and much less mundane imagery.
You also write in present-tense but occasionally shift to past-tense. This only generally works in the opposite direction, because a quick shift to present tense suggests a sudden change or major event. Joyce does this like a hundred times in Ulysses. A shift to past tense does nothing. Also, it might be more interesting to keep the Roy business more subtle: you don't need to explain every aspect of their relationship.
jzkarap - Very nice job. I loved your prose, especially in the first paragraph. All throughout you've got some really beautiful language, although the first person narration occasionally seems a little "edgy". We're very aware that the narrator is both dead and depressed, so there's no need to overwrite. Your language is a mite awkward sometimes, but overall this piece is great. You also managed to work a deliberate structure into a piece with essentially no action, and that's fucking hard. Kudos.
Mike M - Use adjectives more sparingly in the opening paragraphs. I have the same issue, so I really sympathize. Writing beauty without pretension isn't easy. The use of archaeology jargon was pretty awesome. I liked the interplay between the various characters, and the narrative is engaging as hell. I actually got a little creeped out by the twist! With a more satisfying resolution, this would be an amazing work of fiction. You should really try short-form horror, assuming that's not already your specialty.
FlowerisBritish - You aren't doing anything groundbreaking with your "quirky sister, angry brother, dead parents" scenario, but the way you develop the story is pretty neat. I really didn't see any of that coming. Maybe try foreshadowing the twist a little bit? Some of your prose is cheesy, but that's a minor complaint. I love how your piece was actually quite self-contained, if only through the callbacks to earlier lines.
Tangent - lol
Dandy Crocodile - I'm pretty tired of "metaphors for the afterlife" stories, but you've got some great language in here. I'd love to read some sort of white trash melodrama in your voice. There's not a ton going on in this piece, but it's really fun.
Ashes - Use commas. Your prose is really good, and seems like a more stripped-down (or efficient!) version of the stream-of-consciousness thing I tried for my piece. It would be cool to give a little justification for the quick shift in style, but I'm generally impressed with what you're doing here. Even better, you've got a real ending!
Cyan - Very cool piece, and just as professional as a lot of modern genre fiction. The premise is pretty good, and you execute it well. You've tried your hand at longer fantasy, haven't you? I really think you've got a knack. It would behoove you try work on differentiating your characters' voices. There's no way to know who's speaking if you take away the narration, and that's not good.
Nezumi - This is really cute. You've managed to build a world, establish a clear and well-rounded protagonist, and have a satisfying twist ending in less than 400 words. Bravo, brava.
1. jzkarap
2. Nezumi
3. Cyan
Honorable mention goes to Dandy Crocodile and Mike M.
I'd really encourage you to read more. If you have the time, try to read at least extended passages from a few novels. Throw in a Victorian book if you can. While Thomas Hardy doesn't write very close to your style, it's great to be exposed to other voices. Your diction could really be improved by some more variety.
dangerbrynes - Indent, dude! Managing white space is pretty important in fiction, academic writing, and pretty much everywhere that isn't Gaf. Spaces between paragraphs would also be very welcome. You've got some formatting errors all over the place. Like Xeris, it would really help you to read a little more, if only to see how professional writing differs from your own. I'm not sure if the dialogue is authentic, but I wasn't a pilot in WW2, so I can't say if it's actually wrong. I really loved a lot of your visual description. While It was straightforward like Xeris', you managed to use a lot of nice adjectives and much less mundane imagery.
You also write in present-tense but occasionally shift to past-tense. This only generally works in the opposite direction, because a quick shift to present tense suggests a sudden change or major event. Joyce does this like a hundred times in Ulysses. A shift to past tense does nothing. Also, it might be more interesting to keep the Roy business more subtle: you don't need to explain every aspect of their relationship.
jzkarap - Very nice job. I loved your prose, especially in the first paragraph. All throughout you've got some really beautiful language, although the first person narration occasionally seems a little "edgy". We're very aware that the narrator is both dead and depressed, so there's no need to overwrite. Your language is a mite awkward sometimes, but overall this piece is great. You also managed to work a deliberate structure into a piece with essentially no action, and that's fucking hard. Kudos.
Mike M - Use adjectives more sparingly in the opening paragraphs. I have the same issue, so I really sympathize. Writing beauty without pretension isn't easy. The use of archaeology jargon was pretty awesome. I liked the interplay between the various characters, and the narrative is engaging as hell. I actually got a little creeped out by the twist! With a more satisfying resolution, this would be an amazing work of fiction. You should really try short-form horror, assuming that's not already your specialty.
FlowerisBritish - You aren't doing anything groundbreaking with your "quirky sister, angry brother, dead parents" scenario, but the way you develop the story is pretty neat. I really didn't see any of that coming. Maybe try foreshadowing the twist a little bit? Some of your prose is cheesy, but that's a minor complaint. I love how your piece was actually quite self-contained, if only through the callbacks to earlier lines.
Tangent - lol
Dandy Crocodile - I'm pretty tired of "metaphors for the afterlife" stories, but you've got some great language in here. I'd love to read some sort of white trash melodrama in your voice. There's not a ton going on in this piece, but it's really fun.
Ashes - Use commas. Your prose is really good, and seems like a more stripped-down (or efficient!) version of the stream-of-consciousness thing I tried for my piece. It would be cool to give a little justification for the quick shift in style, but I'm generally impressed with what you're doing here. Even better, you've got a real ending!
Cyan - Very cool piece, and just as professional as a lot of modern genre fiction. The premise is pretty good, and you execute it well. You've tried your hand at longer fantasy, haven't you? I really think you've got a knack. It would behoove you try work on differentiating your characters' voices. There's no way to know who's speaking if you take away the narration, and that's not good.
Nezumi - This is really cute. You've managed to build a world, establish a clear and well-rounded protagonist, and have a satisfying twist ending in less than 400 words. Bravo, brava.
1. jzkarap
2. Nezumi
3. Cyan
Honorable mention goes to Dandy Crocodile and Mike M.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Flowers: theyre? Ive seen you do this before, so Im guessing thats not a character voice thing. He finished his half a beer, I think you can remove his half there because it doesnt add information to finishing a beer and its kind of distracting. Daren hoped off (hopped), also a recurring error if Im not mistaken. Im really sorry for being this giant asshole who keeps bullying you about this too.
This is most disheartening to me in the sense drunk me is a pisspoor editor no matter how much he pesters me about getting out in the world .
dangerbyrnes
Member
Ah, that's interesting. yeah, i kind of just drop the reader into the middle of something with no context. if they had a better idea what the stakes or reasoning for this battle was, it would have more impact.
OK, so spending to much time on things irrelevant to the story. yeah, i could probably afford to lose some of the background of the characters relationship with roy, maybe just devins actions with regard to the photo already tell the reader that he's important to him.
1. Yeah, i have done academic writing, for some reason that stuff has slipped my mind lately. probably cause i haven't actually written a somewhat finished story in a while.
2. I do plenty of reading, and i've noticed a lot of better looking writing from some of the guys in here, so i'll definitely look into improving that.
3. Crap, I did that, didn't even notice. well, it shifts to past tense for a flashback, im not sure how that would be handled otherwise, i guess it could be separated, with white space to signify a change in location. i'll play around with this stuff.
Thanks for all the criticism, it definitely helps.
OK, voting time is over and even if someone still wanted to vote the result wouldn't have changed anyway.
1.) Cyan - The Stars Above
2.)Crunched - The Bones of St. John
3.)Valhelm - Kamchatka
3.)Nezumi - Pebbles
Vote Count:
Cyan - 23 (7)
Crunched - 10 (1)
Valhelm - 7 (1)
Nezumi - 7
Ashes - 6 (1)
FlowersisBritish - 3
Mike M - 2
xeris - 1
Well, look who is on a roll! Congratulations again Cyan! Onward to the next challenge.
1.) Cyan - The Stars Above
2.)Crunched - The Bones of St. John
3.)Valhelm - Kamchatka
3.)Nezumi - Pebbles
Vote Count:
Cyan - 23 (7)
Crunched - 10 (1)
Valhelm - 7 (1)
Nezumi - 7
Ashes - 6 (1)
FlowersisBritish - 3
Mike M - 2
xeris - 1
Well, look who is on a roll! Congratulations again Cyan! Onward to the next challenge.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Congrats Cyan. It's been awhile since we've seen a back to back win.
dangerbyrnes
Member
Congrats, Cyan.
I liked the topic of this one, definitely intend to participate in more.
I liked the topic of this one, definitely intend to participate in more.
Some quick feedback:
Ashes really liked your first half, voted on the strength of the interaction and perceptive introspection. Second half not quite as strong, rambles on a bit. The narrator's internal conversation and parallel to his friend (which we can read as indicative of a greater human connection) carry the piece.
Mike strong set up, great portrayal of character through dialogue and behavior. Always a strength of yours. The mystery is a great hook, but unfortunately the content does not match the form. This is a much longer story than can fit into 2200 words. For what it's worth, I thought up till the midpoint this was one of the best I'd seen from you. I'm a little sad that you said you feel like you're regressing, because your stories are one of the big reasons I enjoy doing these challenges.
Cyan a well deserved win. I think your entry was the most consistent and well-resolved.
Valhelm a good starting point. I talked a little on this earlier. Most Russian-set stories I've read fall under an umbrella of similarity (a couple of exceptions: Josh Weil's The Great Glass Sea and Erika Krouse's "The Pole of Cold"). Yours feels more classic Russia than contemporary stories. I did not think it worked well as a short. Not much happens and we only get glimpses of contemplation. There is no real conflict and nothing is resolved. But it may be just fine as part of a longer work.
Nezumi well done little fable. It is simple but it works well. Vivid and concise.
dangerbyrnes I gave a little feedback above. Don't feel discouraged. Don't feel as if you are doing something wrong. Your story makes me think of a child playing with action figures, zipping and zooming plastic airplanes in his bedroom. Part of this is due to the reliance on cliché. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the kernel of your story, but don't let it grow into something we've seen before. Try to find what is original about your vision, and give us that. Delve further into character. Create backgrounds, hobbies, upbringings, secret loves, hidden longings. We get only the slightest bit of this from the memory of a lost brother. That is a good place to start, but it does not sing. It is the kind of detail we expect. Once you have created a full life for all of your characters (do not neglect your antagonist), pare back what you've written to the essentials, the essence of who these people are, and let that lifeblood seep into their voices and behaviors. You have the ability to bring them to life. Above all, keep writing.
Ashes really liked your first half, voted on the strength of the interaction and perceptive introspection. Second half not quite as strong, rambles on a bit. The narrator's internal conversation and parallel to his friend (which we can read as indicative of a greater human connection) carry the piece.
Mike strong set up, great portrayal of character through dialogue and behavior. Always a strength of yours. The mystery is a great hook, but unfortunately the content does not match the form. This is a much longer story than can fit into 2200 words. For what it's worth, I thought up till the midpoint this was one of the best I'd seen from you. I'm a little sad that you said you feel like you're regressing, because your stories are one of the big reasons I enjoy doing these challenges.
Cyan a well deserved win. I think your entry was the most consistent and well-resolved.
Valhelm a good starting point. I talked a little on this earlier. Most Russian-set stories I've read fall under an umbrella of similarity (a couple of exceptions: Josh Weil's The Great Glass Sea and Erika Krouse's "The Pole of Cold"). Yours feels more classic Russia than contemporary stories. I did not think it worked well as a short. Not much happens and we only get glimpses of contemplation. There is no real conflict and nothing is resolved. But it may be just fine as part of a longer work.
Nezumi well done little fable. It is simple but it works well. Vivid and concise.
dangerbyrnes I gave a little feedback above. Don't feel discouraged. Don't feel as if you are doing something wrong. Your story makes me think of a child playing with action figures, zipping and zooming plastic airplanes in his bedroom. Part of this is due to the reliance on cliché. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the kernel of your story, but don't let it grow into something we've seen before. Try to find what is original about your vision, and give us that. Delve further into character. Create backgrounds, hobbies, upbringings, secret loves, hidden longings. We get only the slightest bit of this from the memory of a lost brother. That is a good place to start, but it does not sing. It is the kind of detail we expect. Once you have created a full life for all of your characters (do not neglect your antagonist), pare back what you've written to the essentials, the essence of who these people are, and let that lifeblood seep into their voices and behaviors. You have the ability to bring them to life. Above all, keep writing.
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