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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #112 - "After 'Happily Ever After'"

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B

British Monsoon

Member
The Bureau of Arcane Affairs

Fuck, after all that I went over the word limit, didn't come anywhere close to finishing the story and didn't get to the bit that actually ties what I wrote into the theme. Oh well
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*edit, can someone let me know if the link works, I haven't used Google Drive before.
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
Man, I go to bed after midnight PST thinking I have a shot against a small field of entries, then all you johnny-come-latelys come out of the freaking woodwork. LOL.
 
S

Sober

Member
^^^ and from out of nowhere! (ps. you missed a few entries) but thanks anyway :)

Entries:
I felt awkward - toddhunter
ihavenoideawhatimdoing.jpg - BananaBomb
The Fire Wielder - Aaron
Goat Herder - Bombadil
A World of Men - Mike M
Of Princes and Orphans - John Dunbar
The Comfort Zone of Walter Reed the Seed - Tangent
Season 29 - FairyD
Together forever - Azih
Snowmageddon - Ashes1396
Veni Creator Spiritus - DumbNameD
Adventureleust - Sober
Days long past - Nezumi
Mess With the Rose, Get the Thorns - Cyan
The Bureau of Arcane Affairs - Bootaaay
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
I'm sure I can refrain from making an ass out of myself in the next thread, third time's a charm and all.

toddhunter - I Felt Awkward: I echo the sentiment that the book part was a bit perplexing, like you had two disparate ideas that were stitched together awkwardly. I think you could have cut that part out entirely and not lost anything of value. The half involving the actual story had a similar concept to my own offering, so I can’t possibly hate on that. Actually, upon further reflection, nixing the book part would have helped immensely since the meat of the story seems to be based on the movie instead of the original story. Not that the book couldn’t be one based on the movie, but it is needlessly muddied.

BananaBomb - Untitled(?): I was intrigued by the premise of “happily ever after” being so abjectly literal that the prince would never entertain the possibility of interrupting it for any reason. It certainly went in a direction I didn’t expect from the outset, though. Heh. I especially liked the bit about the candle, that part in particular struck me as a ludicrous solution to a problem taken as granted that could conceivably be found in a fairy tale. Personally though, I felt that it could have potentially worked better as a third person narrative.

Aaron - The Fire Wielder: Interesting take on the fairy tale tropes of secret, empty, immaculately maintained castles and such. You totally went whole-hog on the world-building objective, didn’t you? I could see the constraints of the word count on this one, I think it could have benefited from being a longer piece.

Bombadil - Goat Herder: I found this to be a genuinely creepy little piece, another story that didn’t go anywhere I had initially expected it to. I had to go look up what a cucumber tree was, which led down the rabbit hole of information about the actual island. There’s a lot of opportunity for world building in an island full of flora and fauna that exist nowhere else on earth, but the word limit is the word limit. I enjoyed reading it.

John Dunbar - Of Princes and Orphans: Honestly, felt like you pulled your punch at the last moment. I'd have gone out with the two of them being eaten, but that's just me. I loved it regardless.

Tangent - The Comfort Zone of Walter Reed the Seed: Flipping adorable. Though I'd have gone with a different name than Walter Reed. If you ever intend to do anything with this one, I’d change it to something like Wally Beed or something.

FairyD - Season 29: While I'm certain the comparison has been drawn before, I never really connected the whole "marriage by reality TV" and fairy tales, but seems pretty obvious once it's pointed out. I blame not watching reality TV. Just when I thought it was going to be a rather pedestrian interpretation, you went someplace... Dark. Kinda scary dark. Wow.

Azih - Together Forever: Well, as a father of an 11 month old... that was incredibly depressing... Probably could have used less skipping around the chronology, maybe incorporate that info into dialog.

Ashes1396 - Snowmageddon: While not quite as melancholy as Azih’s contribution, still a downer. Very bittersweet and almost lyrical in its cadence and flow. At least it ended on a vaguely hopeful and optimistic note, otherwise coming off of Azih’s story I’d have probably opened my wrists (Not a knock against either of you)

DumbNameD - Veni Creator Spiritus: Really well-done piece from start to finish. Love the dialog, love the premise, love the punchline at the end.

Sober - Adventurelust: I’ve always had a soft spot for the whole subgenre of fantasy where people try to go back to living a normal lives in the aftermath of having had a trip to Narnia or whatever. While not exactly rare, it’s not a premise I come across often. In this particular instance, I think the story would have been better served if it was set entirely on the cruise ship and the portions that actually took place in Tollencia were conveyed and explored through the dialog. Noah made the right choice in the end, good on him.

Nezumi - Days Long Past: If they’re incorporeal ghosts and can’t touch things... How do they move chess pieces? : )

Cyan - Mess With the Rose, Get the Thorns: Really, could have worked just as well without the sci-fi angle with some very slight massaging. I’m guessing that was to the benefit of the optional objective, but you didn’t really go far enough to make it worth the investment. Loved the twist towards the end, then the other twist. Heh.

Bootaaay - The Bureau of Arcane Affairs: Oh you son of a bitch, I have been kicking around a story idea about an organization with this exact name for years. Even had a conceit similar to your pocketwatch idea. *Crumples up paper and throws it into the wastebin.* The word limit is not your friend though, but judging by your spoiler text you already know why.

Alright, final picks:

First Place: DumbNameD - Veni Creator Spiritus
Second Place: John Dunbar - Of Princes and Orphans
Third Place: BananaBomb - Untitled (Or is it actually entitlted “After Happily Ever After?”)
Honorable Mention: Tangent - The Comfort Zone of Walter Reed the Seed
 
B

Bombadil

Banned
1st Place: Tangent - The Comfort Zone ofWalter Reed the Seed

2nd Place:DumbnameD - Veni Creator Spiritus

3rd Place: Bananabomb - Untitled

Honorable Mentions

Mike M - A World of Men

Bootaaay - The Bureau of Arcane Affairs
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Mike M said:
Nezumi - Days Long Past: If they’re incorporeal ghosts and can’t touch things... How do they move chess pieces? : )
Click to expand...

Through willpower? No actually I imagened a ghostly chessboard which exists in the same "dimension" as the two characters so they can use it... I probably should have mentioned that in the story, shouldn't I?
 
T

toddhunter

Member
Cyan said:
Sweet, this already looks like a promising batch!
Click to expand...

And then some...

Some quick thoughts and votes. Thanks very much to everybody that wrote something. They were all great but very different making it very hard to judge anything. I'm also concerned in reading so many that I might have missed the finer details of some so sorry in advance for that.

I felt awkward - toddhunter: Incredible story that really made ... oh wait that was mine never mind.
ihavenoideawhatimdoing.jpg - BananaBomb: Really good idea and pulled it off well. However I thought it did just start to fall apart a bit at the end and perhaps went on for a bit too long. Just need to refine those last few paragraphs to bring it all together.
The Fire Wielder - Aaron: I'll admit I felt a little confused through a lot of this, perhaps it was cut up a bit too much as it jumped around?
Goat Herder - Bombadil: I found it to be very interesting and nicely understated. Great writing and you made something that wouldn't appeal to me somewhat appeal to me.
A World of Men - Mike M: Was left with questions, which is a good thing. Found it really well written and worked well within the word count limit. I did wonder though about a rescue attempt or retaliation by the others. I guess that is in the expanded version?
Of Princes and Orphans - John Dunbar: Strong first half, wasn't as fussed on the second. I'm thinking the word count monster struck again with this one. I wanted a bit more background to the Goblins and how that scene was all set up from the beginning location.
The Comfort Zone of Walter Reed the Seed - Tangent: Great story, the type of thing that really appeals to me. Read it twice to pick up all the details.
Season 29 - FairyD: Was a good idea but I'm guessing at the best of times there really isn't much of a chance that it will all end well. Started well enough but was cut off way too soon.
Together forever - Azih: Nice concept and it packed a punch. However I found the jumps around just a bit too distracting in such a small amount of words.
Snowmageddon - Ashes1396: Really liked what you were putting together there. However it was hard to pick out the actual speech or thoughts or even the general flow with the formatting.
Veni Creator Spiritus - DumbNameD: Great premise and very well put together. I liked very much that it seemed "complete".
Adventureleust - Sober: Was a good take on the theme. The cruise ship start was the strongest, however I felt myself projecting a little onto it due to a similar experience (not with the fantasy part obviously) and wanted a bit more of that. Nice to have an ending with perhaps a touch of irony?
Days long past - Nezumi: Nice writing and world details, but I didn't really get into the concept and would have liked the whole "being ghosts" idea to have been explored a little more. Probably less world building and more "after happily ever after" would have appealed more to my tastes.
Mess With the Rose, Get the Thorns - Cyan: In a change from a lot of the entries, really hit its straps late and finished really well. I did have a hard time with the build up trying to reconcile the different themes. It probably needed to be either a lot longer in that style or a lot more compressed and detailed (if you know what I mean).
The Bureau of Arcane Affairs - Bootaaay: Was really going places but didn't quite get there in time. Would like to read more one day.

It is very tough. All up I'm giving:

1st Place: The Comfort Zone of Walter Reed the Seed - Tangent
2nd Place: A World of Men - Mike M:
3rd Place: Veni Creator Spiritus - DumbNameD

HM: Adventureleust, Goat Herder, ihavenoideawhatimdoing.jpg
 
J

Jack Remington

Banned
I wish I had known about this. I'm something of a writer myself, but it looks like I just missed the deadline. This would have been a great topic for me. Hopefully I can get in on the next one.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Jack Remington said:
I wish I had known about this. I'm something of a writer myself, but it looks like I just missed the deadline. This would have been a great topic for me. Hopefully I can get in on the next one.
Click to expand...

Check back in on Tuesday, and we'll have a winner and a new thread going up. We'd be glad to have you!
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
toddhunter said:
A World of Men - Mike M: Was left with questions, which is a good thing. Found it really well written and worked well within the word count limit. I did wonder though about a rescue attempt or retaliation by the others. I guess that is in the expanded version?
Click to expand...

I have a terrible habit of trying to explain everything, but the word count limit held me in check in order to get the actual story across in full.

There's not really an expanded version per se, just some handwritten notes about the "rules" of magic and fairies. Initial concept was little more than the idea humans destroying links to the fairy world by driving iron into the accumulations of magic energies, the idea of it being retaliation from victims of fairy tales only occurred to me last week, but immediately seemed perfect to me.

I may do something further with the idea now. Oddly enough, everyone tells me this reads like a prologue when in my mind it's the end of the story.
 
T

toddhunter

Member
Mike M said:
I have a terrible habit of trying to explain everything, but the word count limit held me in check in order to get the actual story across in full.

There's not really an expanded version per se, just some handwritten notes about the "rules" of magic and fairies. Initial concept was little more than the idea humans destroying links to the fairy world by driving iron into the accumulations of magic energies, the idea of it being retaliation from victims of fairy tales only occurred to me last week, but immediately seemed perfect to me.

I may do something further with the idea now. Oddly enough, everyone tells me this reads like a prologue when in my mind it's the end of the story.
Click to expand...

Now that you mention it, yes I think it reads very much like a prologue ;)

I think because the main character generally isn't the top lord, because they mostly sit around doing very little. I would expect after this part to then cut to the young up start fairy who has adventures trying to save the day....quite possibly with a pretty young human lass to help.
 
A

Aaron

Member
votes:

1- Tangent
2- Ashes1396
3- Bombadil

toddhunter - There's an odd contrast between the book itself, and the story it rewrites. The book just seems like a person instead of developing a personality that would be unique to its own experiences, and as a result there's nothing really unique about the story it tells. A story actually written by a book from a book's POV is a cool concept, but that's not really what happens here.

BananaBomb - It's a neat little brutal story that could use a few details to give it more color. Confused by what actually happened in the ending.

Bombadil - It's a meaty beginning to a story that ends at the first act break. Could use a little editing to sharpen and focus it, but not a big deal. It's the 'ending' that doesn't really resolve anything or do anything with what you established earlier in the story that's the problem.

Mike M - Didn't like that it started with an attack of questions. There are much better ways to fill in a backstory. And I really needed it because I didn't really know the source, and was completely lost trying to follow everything that happened.

John Dunbar - It's a nice twist on a fairy tale, but I didn't like how empty Liliana was. There was just nothing to her, and as a reader I felt like I was stuck with her. I would have enjoyed the story more from the POV of the goblins.

Tangent - A cute story with the expressiveness of a Disney cartoon.

FairyD - These are some great notes for something that could become a story, but right now it's a jumble of details not so well fixed in time and space. It needs structure.

Azih - It's well written, and maybe it's how these stories have gone so far, but a little too predictable. Maybe it would have been better if they had a lousy wedding, but endured until things finally went too bad for them to take.

Ashes1396 - It does a wonderful job of defining two characters through dialogue. If I were to be really picky, I think it runs a little long, but that's probably me being unable to focus on pure dialogue for long stretches.

DumbNameD - It's well written and sexy as always, but I wish there was a little more to it up front so I wasn't left expecting a twist, and not enough time is spent on the twist for me.

Sober - Too much talking about things and not enough details of things for my tastes. The whole story comes off as fleeting and without real weight. I would have it rather focused on a few key moments and give them depth.

Nezumi - There's a richness here that needs to be shown and not told. You set up interesting characters, but they would be better served by brief but potent narrative moments.

Cyan - It's a fine story as is, but I feel it needed one more angle. The main character needed a certain mindset, a gimmick, or something. I kept thinking of Hudson Hawk, which isn't as bad as some people say, and setting burglary to song. I feel the main character needed something like that but less cheesy.

Bootaaay - It's neat. It does cop stuff with a twist well, but I wish the story had started at the church. I don't feel the setup needed to be anything but a line or two mentioning following up on a lead. There's nothing about Digby's procedure that's inherently interesting.
 
N

Nezumi

Member
I felt awkward - toddhunter: Like some people said before. The two parts of the story don't really fit together that well. I for one really liked the idea of a book complaining about its content. So maybe instead of just picking one fairytale you could have picked on a variety of fairytale tropes.

ihavenoideawhatimdoing.jpg - BananaBomb:I like the genreal idea of the prince wanting to be happy all the time. The fact that this happinies is to be archieved through more or less constant fellatio... well wasn't the princess to be happy as well?

The Fire Wielder - Aaron: The pressure of the word count is really noticeable here. Especially in the end it kind of left me confused of what actually happened in the story because it felt so rushed.

Goat Herder - Bombadil: I liked the style but the ending was a bit unsatisfactory because it left too many questions. I would have read on to learn more though, which is a good thing.

A World of Men - Mike M: I really liked the writing and the story was well thought through. Would be interesting to read further. Will the king succeed in his venture, what will the world look like without fairy influence? Really interesting concept.

Of Princes and Orphans - John Dunbar: Nice idea and a surprising ending.

The Comfort Zone of Walter Reed the Seed - Tangent: Very cute. I really enjoyed to imagine all those little seeds sitting around eating candy and reading comic books. The dramatic part of Squirmy drowning (why :'( ) could have been a bit more... well dramatic. I had to read it twice to realize, damn that cute worm really just drowned.

Season 29 - FairyD: The concept and the idea were interesting but I would have liked it more if the ending had been more grounded instead of getting so extreme. It just seemed out of place even with the way you had established the characters thus far.

Together forever - Azih: Definitly the most cynical and dark approach of the bunch. I think you should have described the two lawyers a bit more. The way they were introduced was a bit vague.

Snowmageddon - Ashes1396: Why? Why would you write a story, that is so much focused on dialogue, without any quotation marks. This made it almost unbearable to read. I think that I read some passages three times to understand who was talking at the moment. If you wanted the reader to feel lost in your words like in the snowstorm of your story, well I guess you succeeded. Apart from that, your story was really beautiful and had a nice melancholy to it.

Veni Creator Spiritus - DumbNameD: That one didn't really click with me. I thought it had too much build up and in the end kind of left me wondering what had actually happened. The dialogue was really well written though.

Adventurelust - Sober: Good idea. I would have liked to hear a bit more about there adventures in the fantasy land so I could understand better why Noah wants to get back and Leslie doesn't.

Mess With the Rose, Get the Thorns - Cyan: I somehow really love the title of your story and how well it fits :) The story itself is good as well, though I would have wished for a more twisted twist (does that even make sense?) at the end.

The Bureau of Arcane Affairs - Bootaaay: I think this is the second of your stories where I got the feeling that I just read the prologue to a book that I would very much enjoy. But that is the problem, there will be no first chapter and so forth which really itches me.

Votes:


  1. Mike M - A World of Men
  2. John Dunbar - Of Princes and Orphans
  3. Tangent - The Confort Zone of Walter Reed the Seed
HM: Bootay and Ashes 1396
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Just got an email from old school Writing-Ager ZephyrFate. Thought this might be a good place to note that he's got a few things on Amazon, including a short story in a collection that includes Harlan Ellison, Alan Dean Foster, and some other cool peeps.
 
A

Azih

Member
1. A world of Men
2. Of Princes and Orphans
3. I felt awkward.

Thanks for the comments. I'm a new father myself and I figured if I wanted to stretch as a writer I shouldn't shy away from my darker compulsive fears.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
1. Mike M - "A World of Men"
2. DumbNameD - "Veni Creator Spiritus"
3. Ashes1396 - "Snowmageddon"

HM: Azih, BananaBomb, also a lot of others goddamn
 
T

Tangent

Member
I felt awkward - toddhunter: This was a very creative story and you did well in the shift of voice in the middle. I have tried to work with inanimate objects as MCs but to no avail so I really liked how well you did. The concepts at the end were great food for thought. If I were to suggest any changes, then maybe a more dynamic or multidimensional aspect to the shrink.

ihavenoideawhatimdoing.jpg - BananaBomb: It was fun reading the prince’s voice in a monotone voice. Great story; though I wonder if it would have been interesting to explore this unfettered happiness even more. For e.g., is it dependent on the happiness of many? Well, as far the prince goes, apparently not, but in general, that seems less likely and it might make for an interesting internal conflict.

The Fire Wielder - Aaron: I really liked the world you were creating, but I felt like I was reading something that was moving at warp speed. However, that could just totally be me. I tried to slow down, but still felt like I was reading something that was meant to be much longer.

Goat Herder - Bombadil – You had me hooked from the get-go and this was so fun to read. I thought the British culture addiction was also pretty hilarious. However, I felt like I was just hanging at the end! I was hoping for something more at the end, and I didn’t think it would be just “superstition” since superstition was put down a bit by the narrator during the “birth” scene and elsewhere. But the world you created was rich. This story was a great example of how detail of the setting adds so much.

A World of Men - Mike M: This was a fantastic idea and fun to read, however, at times, I felt like I was only following certain chunks of it at a time and it didn’t feel as smooth as I would have hoped. However, this could just be me being unfamiliar with this style.

Of Princes and Orphans - John Dunbar – This was such a smooth read and I had to read the part about the snot bubble twice since it was so good and easy to visualize. I loved Liliana’s/Liliane’s character and the twist at the end.

Season 29 - FairyD – This was a fun short & sweet story. I liked the entire concept but two things: I wish there was more of a grabber in the opening, like maybe the end scene of the last season of the show or something, and I wish there was more of a dark twist to their new choice to save their marriage – so that it would be even more uncomfortable to read. Otherwise, I liked the characters and I very much liked reading about the MC’s experience and thought process while on the show and while in therapy, and how Adam responded.

Together forever - Azih – For the most part, I liked the jump around’s in the chronology. It’s just how my brain works I think. But after a while, it got harder to follow. Still, I liked the darkness to this story. Amazing that you could write this since you said you’re a new father. That just sounds like you’re tripping yourself out!

Snowmageddon - Ashes1396 – Fun, smooth read. I liked how the father’s character changed and was more open. Just out of curiosity, when do you use quotes and when do you choose not to?

Veni Creator Spiritus - DumbNameD: Smooth writing and great story. The way you conveyed the characters was great.

Adventureleust - Sober: I really liked the idea of your story. (It vaguely reminded me of the “Incredibles” in a weird way – stuck in a somewhat mundane world after a pretty amazing world.) I think what would have helped me was a deep and rich flashback of their lives in the fantasy land. That way, their choices and reactions would have been a little more relatable. The characters were awesome and fun to follow. The dialog was great too.

Days long past - Nezumi: What I liked most about your story was the twist of the more common afterlife stories where people are surrounded by their loved ones. I also liked the description of the 2 rulers; sometimes physical detail is hard to follow but you wrote it out in a lively way.

Mess With the Rose, Get the Thorns - Cyan: too sleepy to respond, but I coudl send you a crit later. :eek:)

The Bureau of Arcane Affairs - Bootaaay: too sleepy to respond, but I could send you a crit later. :eek:)

Votes:
1. John Dunbar
2. Bombadil
3. toddhunter
HM: DumbNameD

Mike M said:
Tangent - The Comfort Zone of Walter Reed the Seed: Flipping adorable. Though I'd have gone with a different name than Walter Reed. If you ever intend to do anything with this one, I’d change it to something like Wally Beed or something.
Click to expand...

I was thinking of understanding how yellow fever is caused by mosquitoes rather than direct contact, when I chose the name Walter Reed. Somehow, it seemed fitting. Mosquitoes, rain... and I thought a serious name would be ironic. But I also really like Wally Beed. :) Thanks for the tip.

Nezumi said:
The Comfort Zone of Walter Reed the Seed - Tangent: Very cute. I really enjoyed to imagine all those little seeds sitting around eating candy and reading comic books. The dramatic part of Squirmy drowning (why :'( ) could have been a bit more... well dramatic. I had to read it twice to realize, damn that cute worm really just drowned.
Click to expand...

:) Thanks for the great feedback. Very good point about making that part more dramatic. If it’s of any consolation though, I meant to make the fate of the worm up to the interpretation of the reader and wrote it ambiguously. Maybe Squirmy lived a great life out on the sidewalk (but lost his friend Walter) until he croaked.
 
S

Sober

Member
toddhunter - I liked it, though I felt like either half of the stories could've gotten a full treatment as they could've stood on their own.

BananaBomb - Wow, that went dark but I liked the premise. Maybe it could've gone in a different direction or have them shoot down other ideas that didn't make them seem like a bunch of sex addicts (though I guess that was the point)

Aaron - The end is a little vague in regards to what John was doing in that year gap but I guess he played them in the end.

Bombadil - I think you could've used an extra couple hundred words or something to get that ending in. I think the signs were there but the father still had to explain to the son (and by extension, us) what the devil (pun somewhat intended) was going on.

Mike M - I liked this quite a lot, though you just had to tease us by the end, didn't you?

John Dunbar - Did not see that twist coming. Was definitely a fun read.

Tangent - Cute and adorable as hell. Makes me wonder what happened to the original Squirmy ...

FairyD - That felt like it came out of nowhere and then it was just handled in a really nonchalant way ... interesting turn of events. So I guess they were made for each other after all? Maybe would've liked to see them a bit down the line after that revelation, for the lack of a better word.

Azih - Felt like the wedding scene at the start was underutilized as it felt fairly standard. The reveal about the ring at the end felt like it would've been plenty to summarize that. But otherwise I thought it was well-written, if a bit cynical like others have said. Well, extra cynical, I think.

Ashes - Nice imagery, though from the dialogue it seemed like a really sad story for all parties involved.

DumbNameD - Really liked it but wasn't too much a fan of the twist, or maybe I was just expecting more behind it.

Nezumi - Bit of a sucker for ghost stories, though I think you got a plot hole or two about not being able to move things and then playing chess. I thought maybe something about that chessboard being ignored by grave robbers might've been a bit appropriate with the scene you were painting (if that was the case).

(I think I missed a few, more in the morning)

Votes:
1. Tangent
2. Mike M
3. John Dunbar
HMs: Everyone else, pretty much. All the stories were fun reads. Interesting to see what everyone's very of "happy" is/was and what they want to happen next :)
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Bombadil said:
15 year old girls talk like that with their fathers? Really? ;)
Click to expand...

Yes. She's not meant to be typical, nor redundant. Regardless, that is a matter for personality difference, where differences are debatable.

Accurately portraying a culture is a bug bear of mine. I'd be more than happy to be corrected.

On that note, I liked your story, and thought the prose was refreshingly formal, before I read the James Bond part. The prose, to me, is antithetical to post war literature. It was jarring and thus dropped down to an honourable mention.

The Muslims hunting pigs bit, an animal they consider haram to eat, in such a nonchalant way, is in my eyes, a silly mistake. I'd be perfectly happy to apologise if you can source this.
 
B

Bombadil

Banned
Ashes1396 said:
Yes. She's not meant to be typical, nor redundant. Regardless, that is a matter for personality difference, where differences are debatable.

Accurately portraying a culture is a bug bear of mine. I'd be more than happy to be corrected.

On that note, I liked your story, and thought the prose was refreshingly formal, before I read the James Bond part. The prose, to me, is antithetical to post war literature. It was jarring and thus dropped down to an honourable mention.

The Muslims hunting pigs bit, an animal they consider haram to eat, in such a nonchalant way, is in my eyes, a silly mistake. I'd be perfectly happy to apologise if you can source this.
Click to expand...

They don't hunt them to eat them. They hunt them because wild boars attack the goats.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Edit: congrats Tangent. Girl done good.*


Bombadil said:
They don't hunt them to eat them. They hunt them because wild boars attack the goats.
Click to expand...

Muslims don't hunt either. Or not supposed to. But whatever. I concede.


* can't think of a female children's author. And don't want to say Miss Potter... Familiar though the style is to hers... A modern take... Well done. The turning point was brilliantly done.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Ashes1396 said:
Accurately portraying a culture is a bug bear of mine.
Click to expand...

Having been the target of your ire once or twice, I've noticed. :p And it's definitely important to get the details right. Buuuuut I think you could perhaps couch your corrections more diplomatically.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Cyan said:
Having been the target of your ire once or twice, I've noticed. :p And it's important to get these things right. Buuuuut I think you could perhaps couch your corrections more diplomatically.
Click to expand...

I conceded already. Though bombadil, being new, should note, that the better I think of you, as a writer, the harsher I allow myself to be.
 
B

Bombadil

Banned
Ashes1396 said:
Muslims don't hunt either. Or not supposed to. But whatever. I concede.
Click to expand...

That's not true.

http://www.al-islam.org/laws/hunting.html

It is acceptable to hunt the boar but not to eat it.

It doesn't really matter because the practices of Muslims vary by their culture and geography.

I hope the next writing challenge has a larger word limit. I found that most of the submissions would have been better if the writers had more words to work with.
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
Cyan said:
The Results:
1st Place: Tangent - "The Comfort Zone of Walter Reed the Seed"
2nd Place (tie): Mike M - "A World of Men"
2nd Place (tie): DumbNameD - "Veni Creator Spiritus"
2nd Place (tie): John Dunbar - "Of Princes and Orphans"

Vote Count:
Tangent - 22 (7)
Mike M - 14 (3)
DumbNameD - 14 (2)
John Dunbar - 14 (1)
Ashes - 5
toddhunter - 4
Bombadil - 3
BananaBomb - 2

Congrats, Tangent, on another victory! In fact, something of a landslide. (also, cute story! :p)
Click to expand...

Certainly improvement over the one honorable mention I scooped up last time.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Congrats Tangent, looking forward to the next challenge :)

Bombadil said:
I hope the next writing challenge has a larger word limit. I found that most of the submissions would have been better if the writers had more words to work with.
Click to expand...

If I ever win one of these again, I'm going to set a word limit of 5000 :p
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Congratulation Tangent! Now hurry and put up the next thread :)

Bombadil said:
I hope the next writing challenge has a larger word limit. I found that most of the submissions would have been better if the writers had more words to work with.
Click to expand...

Well I have to agree to some degree, but you have to consider that everyone has to read all the stories. At the moment we have around 12-15 entries per thread. If the stories get much longer that would equal to reading a short novel in 3 days. I'm not saying that that is such an impossible thing, but it sure does take some time to read all the stories as it is and I fear that if they get longer people might be more inclined to just skim over them, which wouldn't do the effort the writers have put into them any justice.
Besides I think that writing a story that is complete and coherent while keeping the word count is actually part of the challenge.
 
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