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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #116 - "The Game"
- Thread starter GRW810
- Start date
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http://pastebin.com/4b7wCc3J
edit: didn't realize we could be a bit tardy, but still, I wanted to get it in before the time was up... not going to fix it up or anything, just wanted to give it a quick go...
edit: didn't realize we could be a bit tardy, but still, I wanted to get it in before the time was up... not going to fix it up or anything, just wanted to give it a quick go...
British Monsoon
Member
Ulver trudged wearily down the dungeon steps, torch in hand. He had lost all track of time, walking through these halls of misery, back and forth between his quarters and the deep, dark cell in which his prisoner dwelt. What had been an exciting, joyous occasion had turned so very sour. This was to have been his defining moment! The answer to all their questions. Instead, it was a humiliation. He motioned to the guard to open the cell door, wrinkling his nose in distaste at the smell of the place. Inside, the angel remained as he'd left him. Lying on the cold, stone floor, motionless, eyes staring into nothing. He didn't even know the man's name, though he was no man, that was certain.
It had been weeks since they'd captured him, crawling from a burning crater of blinding fire, naked as the day he was born, if his kind were born. By looking at him, you would never guess he wasn't an angel, so similar was he in form. He burned with a powerful intensity and, under firelight, he seemed to almost glow. They had questioned him of course, but he had no words for anyone. If he understood them at all, he gave no sign. They had doctors brought to examine him, but he seemed perfectly human, right up to the point that one doctor had tried to drain some of his blood. The light that poured from the incision could only be described as holy. A blinding, brilliant white light that sparked like fire from the wound. The angel had screamed then, a deafening roar that seemed to pierce through the skull, right into some primal hindquarter of the brain. That had scared his superiors, so the angel was brought here, to their most secure facility.
He greeted the angel but, as usual, got no response. With a sigh, Ulver proceded once more through the laundry list of questions he now knew by rote. Where are you from? How did you get here? Are you aware of the prophecies? Do you know of the One True Lord? What of Alaem and Alaer? When will they return? Are you their herald? And so on and so on and so on. Still the angel ignored him. The whole situation was maddening. He wondered if he should have been so bullish in his report to his superiors, so confident of his great discovery and the wonders it would bring. But even if he had wanted to deny what he knew to be true, his men had already made up their minds and word had spread.
Rumour ran rife, even moreso now as the Order tried to deny all existence of such a being in their custody. Tongues wagged from temples to ale houses, all across the kingdom and, probably, beyond. Pressure was mounting and Ulver knew he needed answers, or it would be his head for the chopping block and likely the angel's too. He'd tried imploring with the man, tried screaming and shouting. Tried bribery, tried kindness, tried cruelty. Nothing worked. Oh, he screamed under the blade's touch alright, that awful, skull shattering scream, but his scars healed, the light faded and back he went to this state of impassive silence. Perhaps they weren't worthy, he thought. Perhaps they weren't meant to meet the agents of their creator, to know his will. With a frustrated sob, his head sank to his hands and he wept.
.Stop that.
"What?" Ulver stammered in surprise, raising his head.
.I said, stop that. You're embarassing yourself.
Ulver's jaw hung slack as he gawped in shock at the angel, now sitting upright and staring directly into his eyes.
.Yes, yes. You're very confused. That's fine. Look, I'm talking to you with my mind, alright? My kind rarely communicate by voice.
"Can you read my mind?"
.What? No. You have to think the words you want to say. Go on, try it.
.Hello?.
.Hello Ulver. Would you mind letting me go?.
.I...uh, I need answers.
.You aren't ready for answers.
.But if I don't get them, it will mean trouble for me and for you. We will likely be executed.
The angel sighed audibly, or did he think it? Ulver couldn't quite tell.
.I can give you answers, but I can guarantee that you or your Order won't appreciate them very much.
.I'd like them all the same.
.Very well. I am Auirin. I come the planet Sirlev VI, the second seat of power of the Arcurian Hegemony. I got here on a ship that travels between the stars. I am aware of no prophecies written by your kind. I know not of any deity of which you speak. I do know Alaem and Alaer, but only through tales and that is also how I found myself here. Does that cover everything?.
.Um...are you a herald of their return?.
.A herald?. and at that the angel audibly laughed, a dry, coarse laugh like rustling parchment.
.No, I'm a criminal. On the run, you see. I made for the remotest system I could think of and where better to hide than in a fable?.
.A fable?. Ulver asked, thoroughly confused.
.Well, legend perhaps. You see, no one knows you actually exist. The story goes that Alaem and Alaer were brothers, sons to a wealthy and powerful lord in the Hegemony. They despised one another but, as everyone knows, it's the worst kind of luck to kill your kin. So they competed constantly, making wagers and challenges to fuel their hatred and keep themselves amused. Their grandest wager took place on a planetary scale and, with the aid of some outrageously expensive terraforming, the greatest geneticists of their time were paid to create new life on a lifeless planet. That is how your people came to be.
"You have got to be joking" Ulver said out loud, almost angry at the ridiculousness of the angel's claims.
.I knew you'd never understand. Oh well. Anyway, this whole planet was used as their battleground. But it wasn't they who did the fighting, it was you. They ruled here, lorded it over your ancestors and bent them to their will. They must have seemed like gods and I guess that's what Alaem & Alaer were posing as. Eventually, after they grew tired of their endless war, they left in search of new playthings, went back to the Hegemony and told tall tales about the planet they had spawned where they were worshipped as gods. That was countless cycles ago and, as I said, no one knew if this place even existed. But I found the location and kept it secret in case I were ever in need of a good hiding spot.
.No one will ever believe this.
.I know, right? You can see why I didn't say anything. I've been half expecting a Spectre cruiser to show up in orbit and take me back in chains, but I guess this place really is a good hiding spot.
.A Spectre?.
.You know, Law bringers? Thief catchers?. Anyway, what happened around here since your gods left?.
.Not gods, angels. The two sides that worshipped them fought bitterly for centuries, but eventually peace was brought to the land by the Grand Order, of which I count myself as a member. We believed that neither Alaem or Alaer were gods, but that they were only tools of the One True God's creation. The scriptures say that God found them wanting for the way they had pitted brother against brother and recalled them to the heavens. Prophecy says that, one day, an angel will arrive on wings of fire, heralding Alaem & Alaer's return to rule the land side by side.
.Ah. Well, it seems my explanation of events are going to leave your Order rather displeased.
.Quite. Well, what do we do now?.
.Seeing as it doesn't look like I'm going anywhere and that you'll be in just as much trouble if the right answers aren't forthcoming, I suggest...we lie.
.Lie?.
.Yes, you know, deception, fiction, intrigue. Tell me, what else do these prophecies prophecise?.
It had been weeks since they'd captured him, crawling from a burning crater of blinding fire, naked as the day he was born, if his kind were born. By looking at him, you would never guess he wasn't an angel, so similar was he in form. He burned with a powerful intensity and, under firelight, he seemed to almost glow. They had questioned him of course, but he had no words for anyone. If he understood them at all, he gave no sign. They had doctors brought to examine him, but he seemed perfectly human, right up to the point that one doctor had tried to drain some of his blood. The light that poured from the incision could only be described as holy. A blinding, brilliant white light that sparked like fire from the wound. The angel had screamed then, a deafening roar that seemed to pierce through the skull, right into some primal hindquarter of the brain. That had scared his superiors, so the angel was brought here, to their most secure facility.
He greeted the angel but, as usual, got no response. With a sigh, Ulver proceded once more through the laundry list of questions he now knew by rote. Where are you from? How did you get here? Are you aware of the prophecies? Do you know of the One True Lord? What of Alaem and Alaer? When will they return? Are you their herald? And so on and so on and so on. Still the angel ignored him. The whole situation was maddening. He wondered if he should have been so bullish in his report to his superiors, so confident of his great discovery and the wonders it would bring. But even if he had wanted to deny what he knew to be true, his men had already made up their minds and word had spread.
Rumour ran rife, even moreso now as the Order tried to deny all existence of such a being in their custody. Tongues wagged from temples to ale houses, all across the kingdom and, probably, beyond. Pressure was mounting and Ulver knew he needed answers, or it would be his head for the chopping block and likely the angel's too. He'd tried imploring with the man, tried screaming and shouting. Tried bribery, tried kindness, tried cruelty. Nothing worked. Oh, he screamed under the blade's touch alright, that awful, skull shattering scream, but his scars healed, the light faded and back he went to this state of impassive silence. Perhaps they weren't worthy, he thought. Perhaps they weren't meant to meet the agents of their creator, to know his will. With a frustrated sob, his head sank to his hands and he wept.
.Stop that.
"What?" Ulver stammered in surprise, raising his head.
.I said, stop that. You're embarassing yourself.
Ulver's jaw hung slack as he gawped in shock at the angel, now sitting upright and staring directly into his eyes.
.Yes, yes. You're very confused. That's fine. Look, I'm talking to you with my mind, alright? My kind rarely communicate by voice.
"Can you read my mind?"
.What? No. You have to think the words you want to say. Go on, try it.
.Hello?.
.Hello Ulver. Would you mind letting me go?.
.I...uh, I need answers.
.You aren't ready for answers.
.But if I don't get them, it will mean trouble for me and for you. We will likely be executed.
The angel sighed audibly, or did he think it? Ulver couldn't quite tell.
.I can give you answers, but I can guarantee that you or your Order won't appreciate them very much.
.I'd like them all the same.
.Very well. I am Auirin. I come the planet Sirlev VI, the second seat of power of the Arcurian Hegemony. I got here on a ship that travels between the stars. I am aware of no prophecies written by your kind. I know not of any deity of which you speak. I do know Alaem and Alaer, but only through tales and that is also how I found myself here. Does that cover everything?.
.Um...are you a herald of their return?.
.A herald?. and at that the angel audibly laughed, a dry, coarse laugh like rustling parchment.
.No, I'm a criminal. On the run, you see. I made for the remotest system I could think of and where better to hide than in a fable?.
.A fable?. Ulver asked, thoroughly confused.
.Well, legend perhaps. You see, no one knows you actually exist. The story goes that Alaem and Alaer were brothers, sons to a wealthy and powerful lord in the Hegemony. They despised one another but, as everyone knows, it's the worst kind of luck to kill your kin. So they competed constantly, making wagers and challenges to fuel their hatred and keep themselves amused. Their grandest wager took place on a planetary scale and, with the aid of some outrageously expensive terraforming, the greatest geneticists of their time were paid to create new life on a lifeless planet. That is how your people came to be.
"You have got to be joking" Ulver said out loud, almost angry at the ridiculousness of the angel's claims.
.I knew you'd never understand. Oh well. Anyway, this whole planet was used as their battleground. But it wasn't they who did the fighting, it was you. They ruled here, lorded it over your ancestors and bent them to their will. They must have seemed like gods and I guess that's what Alaem & Alaer were posing as. Eventually, after they grew tired of their endless war, they left in search of new playthings, went back to the Hegemony and told tall tales about the planet they had spawned where they were worshipped as gods. That was countless cycles ago and, as I said, no one knew if this place even existed. But I found the location and kept it secret in case I were ever in need of a good hiding spot.
.No one will ever believe this.
.I know, right? You can see why I didn't say anything. I've been half expecting a Spectre cruiser to show up in orbit and take me back in chains, but I guess this place really is a good hiding spot.
.A Spectre?.
.You know, Law bringers? Thief catchers?. Anyway, what happened around here since your gods left?.
.Not gods, angels. The two sides that worshipped them fought bitterly for centuries, but eventually peace was brought to the land by the Grand Order, of which I count myself as a member. We believed that neither Alaem or Alaer were gods, but that they were only tools of the One True God's creation. The scriptures say that God found them wanting for the way they had pitted brother against brother and recalled them to the heavens. Prophecy says that, one day, an angel will arrive on wings of fire, heralding Alaem & Alaer's return to rule the land side by side.
.Ah. Well, it seems my explanation of events are going to leave your Order rather displeased.
.Quite. Well, what do we do now?.
.Seeing as it doesn't look like I'm going anywhere and that you'll be in just as much trouble if the right answers aren't forthcoming, I suggest...we lie.
.Lie?.
.Yes, you know, deception, fiction, intrigue. Tell me, what else do these prophecies prophecise?.
The War Party (2000)
I'm working on mine too. please don't close it op. the final decision is yours.
Cat and Mouse - 2000 words
Steriletom
Member
Some crits. It's time to go out and work on my hangover so I'll finish the rest and post my voting tomorrow:
Tangent-For Ice Cream
Too much description of jumping. Keep pace in mind. The boring stuff like going home from shopping you want to describe very briefly. Save your word count for the bits important to the story. It really succeeded in getting me to want to keep reading to unravel the mystery of the games consequences and I was satisfied with where the story ended up. Some awkward phrasing(Id cut and paste but cant seem to do it from the link but the whole father of four years sentence would be a prime example) here and there but the writing overall is solid. Biggest gripe I have with the story is that I dont buy the fathers reasoning for giving in and buying the game. You need something stronger than, well, it was going to happen eventually. Solid entry.
Mike M-Niseag
Phrenic? Nothing seems to happen until almost the end of the first page. You need to start your story with something that kicks events into motion and makes the reader want to continue then you can describe to your hearts content; although, you are doing too much of that too in my opinion. Well written descriptions, at least. Stop using adverbs so much. My personal rule is to only use them when the action being done by the character is being done in a manner that is very different from what the reader would picture i.e. he ran slowly, he petted the dog violently. Something like examine, who did so meticulously does not need the meticulous part because examine already implies that. Also, the description you give immediately after makes it clear that he did a thorough job. Now, if you had written examined quickly/carelessly/negligently youd be okay but then youre better off putting something like scanned/skimmed instead anyway. Monsters and Loch Ness, now were talking but I wish this came up sooner. Well written prose. Good descriptions. A few typos, here and there. Another solid entry.
Scribble-Sonic The Hedgehog: A Fans Fiction
Im not going to lie: After Act One I skimmed through and would skip entire paragraphs. Im guessing you were intentionally trying to mock bad fan fiction? Why? Fan fiction already exists to be mocked so I dont see the point. Poor effort.
tirminyl-Melody of Suprise
Holy melodrama with those poorly written descriptions. Real people dont talk like this. Its continuing and getting worse so Im guessing its intentional? Why are you quoting her thoughts and then ambiguously following with dialogue immediately after? Im getting hella confused about whats internal monologue and whats awkward conversation. Hell, Im just hella confused in general here. Poor effort.
Zeroray, I can follow up with you if you finish.
joshcryer-Couldnt bother to title it
You do this a lot: start main point, aside, finish main point. Use this device sparingly. You
want your main point to be front and centre rather than constantly interrupted. The entire piece is mostly telling instead of showing. Bad. Also, I think you misinterpreted the secondary objective as the main prompt(dont worry, so did I). Mediocre effort(to avoid ambiguity, thats better than poor)
Bootay-The Grandest Wager
Needs a stronger opening. I dont like the fact that you point out that the angel is so similar in form and then go straight on to describing how the Angel is more than human. Gawped or gaped? Not sure if the angels tone is irreverent/common on purpose, but I dont like it(came back to this after reading and I get it and like it now as foreshadowing of future revelations). I said last time that I dont like fantasy(and most sci-fi) in short story form last time and the reason for that is because they require too much of the word count to be used for world building. This is a prime example. If youre doing these contests to practice and get feedback on your writing for a longer fantasy project, I would suggest dropping the fantasy aspect and just doing non-genre fiction and saving your ideas for your real work. Youll still improve your writing and youll actually be able to spend more of your time/word count on the actual craft. All that being said, your prose is good and I really like the premise. I would read a novel based on this idea. Solid entry but just barely.
Tangent-For Ice Cream
Too much description of jumping. Keep pace in mind. The boring stuff like going home from shopping you want to describe very briefly. Save your word count for the bits important to the story. It really succeeded in getting me to want to keep reading to unravel the mystery of the games consequences and I was satisfied with where the story ended up. Some awkward phrasing(Id cut and paste but cant seem to do it from the link but the whole father of four years sentence would be a prime example) here and there but the writing overall is solid. Biggest gripe I have with the story is that I dont buy the fathers reasoning for giving in and buying the game. You need something stronger than, well, it was going to happen eventually. Solid entry.
Mike M-Niseag
Phrenic? Nothing seems to happen until almost the end of the first page. You need to start your story with something that kicks events into motion and makes the reader want to continue then you can describe to your hearts content; although, you are doing too much of that too in my opinion. Well written descriptions, at least. Stop using adverbs so much. My personal rule is to only use them when the action being done by the character is being done in a manner that is very different from what the reader would picture i.e. he ran slowly, he petted the dog violently. Something like examine, who did so meticulously does not need the meticulous part because examine already implies that. Also, the description you give immediately after makes it clear that he did a thorough job. Now, if you had written examined quickly/carelessly/negligently youd be okay but then youre better off putting something like scanned/skimmed instead anyway. Monsters and Loch Ness, now were talking but I wish this came up sooner. Well written prose. Good descriptions. A few typos, here and there. Another solid entry.
Scribble-Sonic The Hedgehog: A Fans Fiction
Im not going to lie: After Act One I skimmed through and would skip entire paragraphs. Im guessing you were intentionally trying to mock bad fan fiction? Why? Fan fiction already exists to be mocked so I dont see the point. Poor effort.
tirminyl-Melody of Suprise
Holy melodrama with those poorly written descriptions. Real people dont talk like this. Its continuing and getting worse so Im guessing its intentional? Why are you quoting her thoughts and then ambiguously following with dialogue immediately after? Im getting hella confused about whats internal monologue and whats awkward conversation. Hell, Im just hella confused in general here. Poor effort.
Zeroray, I can follow up with you if you finish.
joshcryer-Couldnt bother to title it
You do this a lot: start main point, aside, finish main point. Use this device sparingly. You
want your main point to be front and centre rather than constantly interrupted. The entire piece is mostly telling instead of showing. Bad. Also, I think you misinterpreted the secondary objective as the main prompt(dont worry, so did I). Mediocre effort(to avoid ambiguity, thats better than poor)
Bootay-The Grandest Wager
Needs a stronger opening. I dont like the fact that you point out that the angel is so similar in form and then go straight on to describing how the Angel is more than human. Gawped or gaped? Not sure if the angels tone is irreverent/common on purpose, but I dont like it(came back to this after reading and I get it and like it now as foreshadowing of future revelations). I said last time that I dont like fantasy(and most sci-fi) in short story form last time and the reason for that is because they require too much of the word count to be used for world building. This is a prime example. If youre doing these contests to practice and get feedback on your writing for a longer fantasy project, I would suggest dropping the fantasy aspect and just doing non-genre fiction and saving your ideas for your real work. Youll still improve your writing and youll actually be able to spend more of your time/word count on the actual craft. All that being said, your prose is good and I really like the premise. I would read a novel based on this idea. Solid entry but just barely.
Since people are already providing feedback, guess we need a list of entries:
Steriletom - Blow
Tangent - "For Ice Cream"
Mike M - Niseag
Scribble - Sonic the Hedgehog: A Fan's Fiction
tirminyl - Melody of Surprise
joshcryer - What does God do?
Bootaaay - The Grandest Wager
Cyan - The War Party
Ashes1396 - the trees that god built.
GRW810 - Cat and Mouse
If ZeroRay comes back with something, I'm willing to consider it too, even though it's waaaaaay past the deadline : )
Steriletom - Blow
Tangent - "For Ice Cream"
Mike M - Niseag
Scribble - Sonic the Hedgehog: A Fan's Fiction
tirminyl - Melody of Surprise
joshcryer - What does God do?
Bootaaay - The Grandest Wager
Cyan - The War Party
Ashes1396 - the trees that god built.
GRW810 - Cat and Mouse
If ZeroRay comes back with something, I'm willing to consider it too, even though it's waaaaaay past the deadline : )
Of or relating to the mind or mental activity.
British Monsoon
Member
Yeah, I had intended for the irreverent tone of the dialogue to help with the fact that I was spewing a lot of information in a relatively short amount of space, which, as you point out, is a drawback of doing a genre piece in short story form.
Steriletom said:
I honestly find it tough to write non-genre stuff, a generic fantasy world is always my go to setting, especially when I find myself stuck for an idea. I really should try to get out of my comfort zone more often in these challenges, but I typically leave everything to the last minute and fall back on fantasy. Thanks for the comments, much appreciated
no1curr. Seriously, don't even worry about it.
Huh, getting a 403 error on this one. Sure it's in your Public folder?
It said it was in the folder and being the n00b I am I always check on my wife's laptop that I can open it. I'll investigate but I'm not great at troubleshooting so I'll try to sort something out.
EDIT: I'm getting the error message to now, no idea what the problem is. I'll investigate.
Had a problem with my link before, so here is my story again. Hope it works this time:
Cat and Mouse - 2000 words
Mike M, could you edit that link into your list? Just in case anyone tries to access from there. Cheers.
Cat and Mouse - 2000 words
Mike M, could you edit that link into your list? Just in case anyone tries to access from there. Cheers.
Done and done.
I think its interesting how the examples given in the OP for the secondary objective were essentially making up new brand names that dont exist in the real world, but almost everyone went waaaaaay beyond that.
Steriletom -- Blow: Heh, you got me on this one. Nice bit of redirection and playing with expectations. One thing that stuck out at me was the mention of the "riplock" which I assume is either what the fictional world you devised calls a zipper or is somehow analogous to them. If it was somehow different, I'd have invested at least part of a sentence explaining it. If it was the same, I'd have just called it a zipper : ) Most everything else had enough for the reader to pick up on their own without belaboring explanations, which kept things moving along. Though if Reynold was hung up on the brand name issue, you'd think it'd be capitalized in his dialog. Just a small detail I think would have helped sell it.
tangent -- For Ice Cream: Well that was dark... While you fulfilled the objectives admirably, I think the one weak point is that ultimately Henry is reluctant and questions the purpose of the ritual, yet hes the one that caved and bought the game for the kids in the first place. When viewed through the knowledge of whats to come, the decision that he would ever purchase the game at all is a tough sell. Also, presumably Henry and Sarah underwent the same thing when they were children, Id like to have seen something bridging between their attitudes on the matter between then and now, i.e. at what point did they start to question whether this was a wise practice?
Mike M -- Niseag: Went with the fourth definition of game in an attempt to be clever : P I was really chafing under the word limit on this one, I actually have a pretty detailed biology in my mind that I didnt really get to explore. Ultimately its not really relevant to the story, so its not really of any consequence, but theyre aquatic giraffids. I kind of like the world that popped into my head when I thought this concept up, but I dont know how much there is to explore. I did some cursory research on the subject, but McElroy being a Canadian transplant is borne solely out of the fact that I have no idea how a Scotsman would talk. Really wish I had more words to spare on the encounter towards the end, as I feel that was super rushed.
Scribble -- Sonic the Hedgehog: A Fan's Fiction: A chilling glimpse into the inner workings of the minds of Sonic fans! Heh heh. A mix of things going on in this one, but I felt like it was perhaps a bit too scattershot. The notion that Sonic has been entrapped in a Badnik the entire time and that the games were just simulations to keep him occupied was a good one, that the Badnik is the TV you're playing it on is a logical extension. The trip back through the vacant level almost seemed like you were going in a "cursed game" creepypasta, right up to the Samara-esque exit from the TV screen. But then it was just average 3rd grade wish-fulfillment creative writing assignment that seemed largely unrelated with what had previously transpired. Seems like it's missing something to just tie it all together.
tirminyl -- Melody of Surprise: Wow, the Audiobook rendition was a decidedly unexpected surprise. Kudos on the experimentation, I think it paid out pretty well. Its short, but I would imagine itd be difficult to keep it up for prolonged period. I may have to think about shamelessly copy the audiobook thing and do a dramatic reading myself someday.
joshcryer -- Untitled: I would recommend something other than Pastebin going forward, it was a little difficult to read from the way it was formatted. I also saw a bunch of homophones and incorrect possessive vs. plural words (shown instead of shone, cities instead of the possessive case, low instead of lo, etc.). Honestly I think this one could use a bit of work, as Im not quite even sure I understood what happened here. It seems like you were insinuating that there was some sort of inherent distrust between the throne and the church, but the whole thing is prefaced with an explanation that the Church doesnt really seem to care that the King will on occasion have some sort of lingerie parade. I was also thrown off by your usage of the term shepard in such close juxtaposition with the mention of God and affairs of the church, as my mind kept coming back to thinking in terms of shepherds of men as associated with leaders of religion, but in this case they werent working for the church at all. State vs. religion is always fertile ground for conflict, I wish we could have gotten more mileage out of it.
Bootaaay -- The Grandest Wager: I think the focus was misplaced on this one. If the hook of the story was that the captive angel and Ulver were forced into falsifying the fulfillment of prophecy to save their mutual hides, you could have been onto something. You may yet be onto something, if this were the start of a longer story. As a stand-alone piece, however, I think it ends too abruptly, and just when its starting to get interesting too. Maybe trim down the exposition and draw it out further as the two concoct a way to bamboozle Ulvers civilization. Just spitballing here.
Cyan -- The War Party: Is the like our world but slightly different part in your world where Hasbro doesnt own Milton Bradley? Well that and the literal manifestation of corporate warfare as viking raiding parties. The descriptions of the tactics and actions of combat were done very well, but the whole time my brain was wanting to envision this as something out of Gangs of New York so the occasional reference to something decidedly contemporary and modern would briefly throw me. This is a world in which the internal combustion engine exists, yet no one is using anything that doesnt predate gunpowder by centuries. MY MIND!
Ashes1396 -- the trees that god built: I think this would have been an easier read if the order of events were structured differently. We start off and end in the kitchen, but in the interim were doing a flashback within a flashback, and then maybe another unrelated flashback, or perhaps yet another nested flashback. Its all in chronological order outside the bookends at least, but you probably could have taken the opening before the first flashback and worked it in towards the end. The main character seemed weirdly emotionless outside his perception of summer weather, and Im not sure I understand his fathers motivations. He seems pretty broken up about the death of his wife, yet at the same time apparently doesnt care for her that much. Good stuff, but could use some tuning.
GRW810 -- Cat and Mouse: Really reminiscent of the premise for Mad World. This story was really crippled by the word count, as there were a bajillion questions that remained unanswered. What was the background between Harriet, Jared, and Tyler that set this whole thing up? What possible arrangement could Tyler have made with Brad (and for that matter, the team of brothers mentioned) that would have compelled him to enter a fight to death with him? Why did Ava betray Tyler? Presumably the Mahoney Act is what allows for the Purge? What was the impetus for banning seemingly all other forms of entertainment? Theres nothing wrong with some things being left to the imagination or allowing the reader to fill in the gaps on their own, I just found that the gaps were too large with not enough information to do so. The actual writing was solid, with some natural-sounding dialog and good quips. Nice work.
My votes:
1. Cyan
2. tangent
3. GRW810
HM: tirminyl
Steriletom
Member
Cyan-The War Party
This was great. Nothing I would personally change. Well written, great concept, and kept me wanting to continue reading until the end. Solid entry.
Ashes1396-The trees that god built.
I like the style you employed. The time and setting jumps are a bit too ambitious, though, leaving to confusion at times and disinterest at other points. Some of the dialogue is very unnatural. Mediocre effort.
GRW810-Cat and Mouse
Same issue as Bootaytoo many words used up on world building. Youre also telling instead of showing a lot before you get to the point where its all action going forward. I would like to have seen the nature of the familys poisonous relationship explained a little more. Well written, though. Solid entry.
1. Cyan
2. Tangent
3. Mike M
This was great. Nothing I would personally change. Well written, great concept, and kept me wanting to continue reading until the end. Solid entry.
Ashes1396-The trees that god built.
I like the style you employed. The time and setting jumps are a bit too ambitious, though, leaving to confusion at times and disinterest at other points. Some of the dialogue is very unnatural. Mediocre effort.
GRW810-Cat and Mouse
Same issue as Bootaytoo many words used up on world building. Youre also telling instead of showing a lot before you get to the point where its all action going forward. I would like to have seen the nature of the familys poisonous relationship explained a little more. Well written, though. Solid entry.
1. Cyan
2. Tangent
3. Mike M
British Monsoon
Member
1. Mike M - very well written, I really liked how you call back to painting the boat with the last line, emphasising that what was a remarkable event was merely routine to the Captain. I felt you could have perhaps spent a bit more time with the hunter character, especially after his encounter with the monster.
2. Cyan - I absolutely adore this concept and it's a great read, too. The action scenes were enjoyable and very tightly written, but I felt that the whole blood feud with the gangster was a bit of an unnecessary twist to the story. The same 'hopeless battle, glorious fate' ending could have been achieved in the raid upon Hasbro itself.
3. GRW810 - I really enjoyed this, but the word count wasn't your friend here. I would have definitely liked to see more time spent on Tyler's family problems and, while I very much like the concept of the story and the world you portray, because of it the action towards the end feels rushed. Also, neither Ava's introduction or betrayal felt entirely natural, as if she was there only as a means to an end.
HM; Ashes - well written with a really strong tone, my only real complaints with this were that we didn't get more detail into the father's feelings towards his wife and that the narrative felt somewhat jumpy in places. Great stuff, nonetheless.
2. Cyan - I absolutely adore this concept and it's a great read, too. The action scenes were enjoyable and very tightly written, but I felt that the whole blood feud with the gangster was a bit of an unnecessary twist to the story. The same 'hopeless battle, glorious fate' ending could have been achieved in the raid upon Hasbro itself.
3. GRW810 - I really enjoyed this, but the word count wasn't your friend here. I would have definitely liked to see more time spent on Tyler's family problems and, while I very much like the concept of the story and the world you portray, because of it the action towards the end feels rushed. Also, neither Ava's introduction or betrayal felt entirely natural, as if she was there only as a means to an end.
HM; Ashes - well written with a really strong tone, my only real complaints with this were that we didn't get more detail into the father's feelings towards his wife and that the narrative felt somewhat jumpy in places. Great stuff, nonetheless.
Steriletom - "Blow" - I lol'd. Clever use of the secondary there, I thought for sure the difference was something else. You could've made it even a little crazier if there'd been a policeman or something, but you did keep it going nicely.
Tangent - "For Ice Cream" - Well, that was... definitely not cute! I liked the way you raised the tension and weirdness over the course of the story--it started off weird, elevated to really weird, went to awful, and then to terrifying. I think the exposition about turn-taking probably wasn't needed--at least, it didn't help me understand what was going on.
Mike M - "Niseag" - Great opening. In fact, about halfway or a little more through the story, I had the odd sensation of being at the very start of a much longer story. I don't know why, but I feel like this is a great candidate for expanding, maybe twofold, for some further trials and tribulations and explorations of the setting and characters.
Scribble - "Sonic the Hedgehog: A Fan's Fiction" - I don't even understand what's going ooooooooonnnnnnn. So it was funny, and I like the whole "zomg inside a simulation" thing (I've done that one in my own stories!), but I'm not sure it really had a clear throughline. Like, what was the point of the last bit? Or was the whole thing just pure parody, and that was to make it explicit?
tirminyl - "Melody of Surprise" - Short but sweet! I do like a nice brief piece once in a while. This one is good at conveying a story in very few words. I get that the rhymes were for the secondary, but I'm not sure how much they helped the story--I think they were a bit too distracting. I did kind of wonder how using rhymes all the time would affect the world, like do people speak less because it's hard to think of rhymes, or is it so instinctive they just spit flow like there's no tomorrow.
joshcryer - "What does God do?" - Ha! Nifty. I like the world you've started to put together here--it feels somewhat modern, with the attitude of the shepherd, but involves kings and beggars and bishops and so on. I think it could've done with a little bit of cleanup; the prose is a bit raw. And the ending felt abrupt. But it was fun!
You could've made it even a little crazier if there'd been a policeman or something, but you did keep it going nicely.Tangent - "For Ice Cream" - Well, that was... definitely not cute! I liked the way you raised the tension and weirdness over the course of the story--it started off weird, elevated to really weird, went to awful, and then to terrifying. I think the exposition about turn-taking probably wasn't needed--at least, it didn't help me understand what was going on.
Mike M - "Niseag" - Great opening. In fact, about halfway or a little more through the story, I had the odd sensation of being at the very start of a much longer story. I don't know why, but I feel like this is a great candidate for expanding, maybe twofold, for some further trials and tribulations and explorations of the setting and characters.
Scribble - "Sonic the Hedgehog: A Fan's Fiction" - I don't even understand what's going ooooooooonnnnnnn. So it was funny, and I like the whole "zomg inside a simulation" thing (I've done that one in my own stories!), but I'm not sure it really had a clear throughline. Like, what was the point of the last bit? Or was the whole thing just pure parody, and that was to make it explicit?
tirminyl - "Melody of Surprise" - Short but sweet! I do like a nice brief piece once in a while. This one is good at conveying a story in very few words. I get that the rhymes were for the secondary, but I'm not sure how much they helped the story--I think they were a bit too distracting. I did kind of wonder how using rhymes all the time would affect the world, like do people speak less because it's hard to think of rhymes, or is it so instinctive they just spit flow like there's no tomorrow.
joshcryer - "What does God do?" - Ha! Nifty. I like the world you've started to put together here--it feels somewhat modern, with the attitude of the shepherd, but involves kings and beggars and bishops and so on. I think it could've done with a little bit of cleanup; the prose is a bit raw. And the ending felt abrupt. But it was fun!
1. Tangent: For Ice Cream - This turned from something cute to something dark. Were you inspired by Hunger Games? I only asked because of the teachers name pronounciation and a few other things. Oh gosh, how depressing. What if the kids piece went down the chute? What are the game rules? Was this required? Why would they buy a game knowing the consequences? My only problem was the fathers attitude towards it didn't really have a great explanation besides "gonna happen anyway." Great story.
2. Cyan: Cold War Party - I thought it was a great sense of imagery and world that was built. I would definitely like to read more of it. The concept of corporate warfare in a literal sense is fantastic.
3. Mike M: Niseag - I would have loved to read more if it were not for the word count. I really enjoyed this little tale but I must say, the imagery I had of the monster looking at Dunbario made me hoped that Dunbario would not shoot it. I think this was very well written and flushed out the characters and environment to where it needed to be.
I will update this post with the other comments tomorrow.
2. Cyan: Cold War Party - I thought it was a great sense of imagery and world that was built. I would definitely like to read more of it. The concept of corporate warfare in a literal sense is fantastic.
3. Mike M: Niseag - I would have loved to read more if it were not for the word count. I really enjoyed this little tale but I must say, the imagery I had of the monster looking at Dunbario made me hoped that Dunbario would not shoot it. I think this was very well written and flushed out the characters and environment to where it needed to be.
I will update this post with the other comments tomorrow.
Bootaaay - "The Grandest Wager" - Great setup, and an interesting mingling of scifi and fantasy. I guess my main complaint here is that there's no "now" story. The criminal's story is in the past, of an escape. Ulver's story is mostly in the past, as he found the man and tried all kinds of things to get him to talk. And then... he just talks. We don't get the triumph of success, because Ulver didn't do anything to earn it. The guy just started talking out of the blue. Add some way that Ulver can do something and it'd work.
Ashes1396 - "the trees that god built." - You always get me with your damn mood pieces. Love the theme here, the sort of thread that carries it through. Wish I could capture the simple moments like you can. One possible change would be to make it a bit more clear when you're transitioning from mother to sweetheart to daughter... though that lack of clarity might itself be thematic.
GRW810 - "Cat and Mouse" - A cool setting and plot. I enjoyed the action sequences and the main dude's POV. I found the introduction of the thing with his daughter a bit abrupt, but I suppose it's hard to introduce everything you need to so quickly. The ending slightly confused me--why did no one shoot the guy? There was no real reason for them to wait, except to set up the situation at the end where the guy got away and named Tyler.
Votes:
1. Ashes1396 - "the trees that god built."
2. Mike M - "Niseag"
3. Bootaaay - "The Grandest Wager"
HM: GRW810
Ashes1396 - "the trees that god built." - You always get me with your damn mood pieces. Love the theme here, the sort of thread that carries it through. Wish I could capture the simple moments like you can.
One possible change would be to make it a bit more clear when you're transitioning from mother to sweetheart to daughter... though that lack of clarity might itself be thematic.GRW810 - "Cat and Mouse" - A cool setting and plot. I enjoyed the action sequences and the main dude's POV. I found the introduction of the thing with his daughter a bit abrupt, but I suppose it's hard to introduce everything you need to so quickly. The ending slightly confused me--why did no one shoot the guy? There was no real reason for them to wait, except to set up the situation at the end where the guy got away and named Tyler.
Votes:
1. Ashes1396 - "the trees that god built."
2. Mike M - "Niseag"
3. Bootaaay - "The Grandest Wager"
HM: GRW810
Votes:
1. GRW810
2. MikeM
3. Cyan
HM: Ashes, Bootaaaaaaay
Sorry for the lack of actual feedback. Gotta get to bed! Happy Passover to anyone who celebrates.
Hey Toddhunter, thanks for the heads up. I thought it'd be good to practice what I thought might be a very important step in learning about writing: editing! Though you have a very good point - maybe it's best to find someone outside of the writing challenge to help in editing, or just edit my own stuff. But really, I think I just got lucky that one time before where I hadn't procrastinated until minutes before our stories were due to actually exchange stories before the deadline. Like MikeM said, it wouldn't happen again. Thanks for pointing out your thoughts on this.
1. GRW810
2. MikeM
3. Cyan
HM: Ashes, Bootaaaaaaay
Sorry for the lack of actual feedback. Gotta get to bed! Happy Passover to anyone who celebrates.
Hey Toddhunter, thanks for the heads up. I thought it'd be good to practice what I thought might be a very important step in learning about writing: editing! Though you have a very good point - maybe it's best to find someone outside of the writing challenge to help in editing, or just edit my own stuff. But really, I think I just got lucky that one time before where I hadn't procrastinated until minutes before our stories were due to actually exchange stories before the deadline. Like MikeM said, it wouldn't happen again. Thanks for pointing out your thoughts on this.
Steriletom
Member
Congrats, Cyan. Well deserved.
Congratulations Cyan. Fantastic story, well deserved.
In hindsight I feel like I let you guys down with the objectives. I spent so long trying to think of something and now I feel like I could have come up with something better. Looking forward to getting cracking on the next story.
I've got feedback coming for everyone, hopefully today.
In hindsight I feel like I let you guys down with the objectives. I spent so long trying to think of something and now I feel like I could have come up with something better. Looking forward to getting cracking on the next story.
I've got feedback coming for everyone, hopefully today.
Haha, what the hell are you talking about, dude? I've spent ages trying to think up objectives as good as these. The secondary especially.
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