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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #119 - "Challenge"
- Thread starter Cyan
- Start date
- Status
CoffeeExpress
Member
Okay, my second time to enter this! 
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Never let go - 2214 words
"Daddy wake up!" screamed a familiar voice, what happened? A middle aged man thought to himself unsure of his surroundings, where am I? His vision started to return, "Ohhhh..." he moaned as his body woke, "what happened?" he asked while attempting to move his body, which felt tight and restricted. As he moved his hand a bolt of pain traveled up his spine, he gasped and clenched his fist, forcing himself to swallow the pain. What the hell? He moved his head up towards the passenger, "Alice… wha - ". Then he remembered. The car. The road. The cliff. "It hurts, please make it stop, please " she said crying, "…Darling, I love you, I love you, don't give up", "My chest hurts and It's getting hard to breath. I can't feel my legs Daddy, I can't feel them!" the man looked down towards his daughters legs, they were covered in blood from the crash. Oh god what will I do? , Oh god oh god fuck fuck fuck fuck, "Baby please, don't look down" he said with half a cry, "Look at me baby, look at me. Are you hurt anywhere else?" he asked her, "no, I don't…. I don't think so. I'm stuck here daddy, I can't move I...,” she cried out in pain as she attempted to move her leg, "Everything is going to be fine baby, try not to move, help will be here soon". They won't find us for hours, I need to get this seatbelt off and call for help. He looked around him, looking for his phone, the impact of the crash knocked everything out of place and a lot of things fell out the car as the roof and windshield were partly ripped open above them like a tin can. Ice, I was warned about the ice, maybe I was going too fast, I don't know... I can't think about this now, I need to get Alice out of here. She's hurt bad, I need to get her out of here. Oh god she's the only thing I care about, please please please don't take her. He managed to open the glove department with his good left hand, everything fell out as he opened it, nothing. Why would it be there anyway? Christ, what am I doing? Am I in shock? I need to breathe. As he sat hanging there, he closed his eyes. Maybe it was all a bad dream, maybe when he opened them again it will be over. But it wasn't, all he could see when he opened his eyes was the misty ocean and a steep rock edge, He looked over to his injured daughter, I cannot let her down. His head was sore but it didn't matter, I'm fine. Then he saw it. Jammed on the far side of the car in the door handle. He attempted to reach for it but he too was stuck, his seatbelt felt like it was wrapped around him six times. I have no other choice. "Baby, I need you to do something for me".
"Just a little father sweetheart, your doing great, keep going" he said to her as she slowly moved her arm over to the phone, he could see her wound bleeding heavier now that she was moving. My poor girl. She latched onto the phone, breathing heavily as she done so; he could see sweat pouring out of her. I did this. "Okay baby, just push the phone out, easy, easy,” he instructed her, the phone wobbled, it jerked, it moved slightly but did not give. "Harder baby, just a little harder", the phone popped out of it's prison "NO!" shouted the father as it fell, stretching out his arm to catch the phone, he missed and it plopped above them on the roof of the car that still remained, only inches away from falling into the ocean. Alice started to cry again from the pain, her wound turning a deep dark violet red - Her father let out a sigh of relief as he saw the phone above them. He stroked her hair, "It’s going to be okay. I just need to reach for this phone and call for help. OK? I'm going to move now, let me know when your ready", tears streamed down her face, she turned her head slowly and looked him in the eye and gave a weak nod. As the man attempted to reach up for the phone the car shook from side to side, intensifying the girl’s injury, her crying made her father hesitate but he persisted. We have no other choice; I have to get this phone. It brushed his fingertips, moving slightly from his touch, goddamn it, he stretched further and still it escaped his grasp, edging ever closely to the water below. "Almost baby, I almost got it", one final lurch forward, one final scream of agony and the phone was his. The car swayed gently from side to side, an eerie silence fell on them as he clicked the wake up button on the phone, the screen was broken but it still responded to his touch. "Thank god" he said as he dialed 911. "Emergency services, how may I assist you?" a pleasant female voice echoed down the line, "Yes hello! Please send help, we have been in a car crash!".
"Yes it's keeping the car upright. No, I don't know how it happened, it just all went so fast… when will help be here?" he quizzed the operator - "my daughter, she is slipping in and out of consciousness... I don't know how long she can last, please I'm scared and I don't know what to do... send help quickly" he said without waiting for a reply. Alice was out for the past five minutes, blood running down the long steel rod that had struck her, somehow the car bent and twisted with the road barriers and forced it's way through the windshield, through the passenger and through Alice. She was pinned down, impaled by this barrier. It ironically was saving their lives too; it was the only thing keeping the car from falling into the river. How will they remove it? My sweet girl, I did this, I didn't listen. I do wrong and other people pay the price. I'm so sorry. Forgive me. He lowered his head, ignoring the distant voice on the other end of the line, and he began to cry. I cannot cry. I must not. Alice must be strong and I have to be strong for her, I cannot show her how scared I am. "Alice?" he paused, wondering if she can hear him, "they will be here soon. You are strong. I know you can do this.” she sat silently... a soft breeze blowing in her long brown hair. He didn't know what to do. I must talk to her; I must keep her going until they get here. "Baby, remember that time when we lost you? Do you remember? When we had everybody out searching for you and your mother was so worried. You were only five or six at the time and we only left you for five minutes... when we returned you had ran off. I searched for hours, knocking on neighbors doors getting everybody involved… you mother sent for help." Alice sat silently, her father unsure if any of this was going in, but he had to do something, he had to try. "I was so upset, I must have walked miles... shouting, looking running… eventually I turned around back to our car... only find you asleep in the back seat, holding a flower that you found. I never understood why you did that. But I didn't care, you were safe." he said as he reached out for her hand. In the distance the father could hear the sirens approaching. I hope it's not too late. "…Daddy" she said coughing blood, "I didn't… I didn't get lost…It was an adventure… I... I ", she fell into another sleep. She hasn't much time left.
"Ahhhhh!" screamed Alice as the saw was cutting it's way into the barrier, the fireman was working at a safe distance but there was nothing they could do to help the vibrations. "Not long now honey, it's almost over,” said the father, who at this stage was feeling lightheaded. Maybe it was the adrenaline or the need of his daughter, but he was injured and never even noticed it until now. His head was pounding. His vision becoming blurry... he put his hand up to the source of his pain - and returned with a fist full of hair and blood. A paramedic was saying something to him but he couldn't focus, when did she get here? Grey and orange blobs moved to his right, tugging and pulling and securing the car. The only thing that mattered was Alice. She was still in agony. Somebody please, make it stop, please. Help her. Help me. "Alice" he wanted to say but it came out a whisper, "Alice, I love you", this time his lips barely even moved. I'm dying. Alice turned to him, in a brief moment of time they made eye contact and in that moment they said all that needed to be said. He closed his eyes and let the gentle swaying of the car take him.
No. Not like this. Not here, not now. I cannot let her down. I cannot let her mother down. Time had slowed down; there was no crash, no ice, no car, no pain, no injury, just Alice. "Baby" he said almost inaudibly, "baby… take my hand", he reached out with all of his remaining strength to her, as he wrapped his hand around hers, their fingers intertwined. He whispered "never let me go baby", with every jerk of the car towards safety he repeated: "never let go", her head bobbing with every advance, "never let go" another jerk. All the nerves in his body were screaming in agony. "never let go, never let go" as the world slowly darkened all around him. Soon only a lonely grey shadow of the car remained, "never... let… me… go" he whispered.
The rest was a blur. A rush of sirens, lights, people looking over him, peering into him. Every time he tried to focus on someones face it would change and morph into something else. Where am I? Bright white lights zoomed over him, dancing in circles for what seemed a lifetime, "Count to five" he heard a deep voice echo down deep into his core, bouncing off the blackness, consuming his every thought. I have to be strong. He felt a surge of pain, suddenly the blackness turned to a bright red, he felt a burning sensation throughout his body, every pour, every nerve, every molecule was screaming out in pain. My Alice. They will be here soon. Please hurry. The next thing he heard was a voice, "I'm here daddy, I'm okay, wake up, Please wake up. I'm here for you". My daughter. My Alice. Where am I? What am I doing? I must get up. I haven't moved in a long time… but I need to sleep, I am so tired. "I'm sorry miss Callaghan but you have to leave, Mr. Callaghan is going to be moved into the IRC unit and we must take safety precautions before we move him. You cannot be here while the tests are being conducted as it may interfere with the results. Don't worry, you can visit him in the morning, but for now, I must have to ask you to go", "Don't go" wheezed her father, his eyes still shut refusing to open… Trapped in his bed, his prison. He tried to move his arm but it felt like it weighed a ton. "Never let go", he cried, but he could not make a sound. As Alice went over to say goodbye he tried one last time, one last push. "Water", he sighed as he moved his fingers an inch, "Water..." he repeated as Alice bent over him to kiss him goodnight. His fingers moved two inches. As she turned to leave, she lingered at the door a small while, "Don't go baby, please, never let go". His hand moved. His arm moved. His fingers moved. "Daddy!?…” She ran out of the room to chase the doctor. "I need help! He's awake!"
His vision was blurry, his joints ached, he couldn't eat and he couldn't get up. But he was alive. Alice entered the room, the morning was bright and sunlight beamed into his hospital room. She left her crutches at the door and hopped over to him, "How are you feeling today daddy?" she asked. He looked her in the eyes and held her hand. "You never left me" he replied, I needed to be strong for her and she needed to be strong for me. "I could have never done it without you" she smiled bitter sweetly. "Like you said..." she paused squeezing his hand, "I never let go, Daddy…" with tears in her eyes, "…I could never go. I love you". She hugged and kissed him. He smiled knowing all was well, and he let go.
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Never let go - 2214 words
"Daddy wake up!" screamed a familiar voice, what happened? A middle aged man thought to himself unsure of his surroundings, where am I? His vision started to return, "Ohhhh..." he moaned as his body woke, "what happened?" he asked while attempting to move his body, which felt tight and restricted. As he moved his hand a bolt of pain traveled up his spine, he gasped and clenched his fist, forcing himself to swallow the pain. What the hell? He moved his head up towards the passenger, "Alice… wha - ". Then he remembered. The car. The road. The cliff. "It hurts, please make it stop, please " she said crying, "…Darling, I love you, I love you, don't give up", "My chest hurts and It's getting hard to breath. I can't feel my legs Daddy, I can't feel them!" the man looked down towards his daughters legs, they were covered in blood from the crash. Oh god what will I do? , Oh god oh god fuck fuck fuck fuck, "Baby please, don't look down" he said with half a cry, "Look at me baby, look at me. Are you hurt anywhere else?" he asked her, "no, I don't…. I don't think so. I'm stuck here daddy, I can't move I...,” she cried out in pain as she attempted to move her leg, "Everything is going to be fine baby, try not to move, help will be here soon". They won't find us for hours, I need to get this seatbelt off and call for help. He looked around him, looking for his phone, the impact of the crash knocked everything out of place and a lot of things fell out the car as the roof and windshield were partly ripped open above them like a tin can. Ice, I was warned about the ice, maybe I was going too fast, I don't know... I can't think about this now, I need to get Alice out of here. She's hurt bad, I need to get her out of here. Oh god she's the only thing I care about, please please please don't take her. He managed to open the glove department with his good left hand, everything fell out as he opened it, nothing. Why would it be there anyway? Christ, what am I doing? Am I in shock? I need to breathe. As he sat hanging there, he closed his eyes. Maybe it was all a bad dream, maybe when he opened them again it will be over. But it wasn't, all he could see when he opened his eyes was the misty ocean and a steep rock edge, He looked over to his injured daughter, I cannot let her down. His head was sore but it didn't matter, I'm fine. Then he saw it. Jammed on the far side of the car in the door handle. He attempted to reach for it but he too was stuck, his seatbelt felt like it was wrapped around him six times. I have no other choice. "Baby, I need you to do something for me".
"Just a little father sweetheart, your doing great, keep going" he said to her as she slowly moved her arm over to the phone, he could see her wound bleeding heavier now that she was moving. My poor girl. She latched onto the phone, breathing heavily as she done so; he could see sweat pouring out of her. I did this. "Okay baby, just push the phone out, easy, easy,” he instructed her, the phone wobbled, it jerked, it moved slightly but did not give. "Harder baby, just a little harder", the phone popped out of it's prison "NO!" shouted the father as it fell, stretching out his arm to catch the phone, he missed and it plopped above them on the roof of the car that still remained, only inches away from falling into the ocean. Alice started to cry again from the pain, her wound turning a deep dark violet red - Her father let out a sigh of relief as he saw the phone above them. He stroked her hair, "It’s going to be okay. I just need to reach for this phone and call for help. OK? I'm going to move now, let me know when your ready", tears streamed down her face, she turned her head slowly and looked him in the eye and gave a weak nod. As the man attempted to reach up for the phone the car shook from side to side, intensifying the girl’s injury, her crying made her father hesitate but he persisted. We have no other choice; I have to get this phone. It brushed his fingertips, moving slightly from his touch, goddamn it, he stretched further and still it escaped his grasp, edging ever closely to the water below. "Almost baby, I almost got it", one final lurch forward, one final scream of agony and the phone was his. The car swayed gently from side to side, an eerie silence fell on them as he clicked the wake up button on the phone, the screen was broken but it still responded to his touch. "Thank god" he said as he dialed 911. "Emergency services, how may I assist you?" a pleasant female voice echoed down the line, "Yes hello! Please send help, we have been in a car crash!".
"Yes it's keeping the car upright. No, I don't know how it happened, it just all went so fast… when will help be here?" he quizzed the operator - "my daughter, she is slipping in and out of consciousness... I don't know how long she can last, please I'm scared and I don't know what to do... send help quickly" he said without waiting for a reply. Alice was out for the past five minutes, blood running down the long steel rod that had struck her, somehow the car bent and twisted with the road barriers and forced it's way through the windshield, through the passenger and through Alice. She was pinned down, impaled by this barrier. It ironically was saving their lives too; it was the only thing keeping the car from falling into the river. How will they remove it? My sweet girl, I did this, I didn't listen. I do wrong and other people pay the price. I'm so sorry. Forgive me. He lowered his head, ignoring the distant voice on the other end of the line, and he began to cry. I cannot cry. I must not. Alice must be strong and I have to be strong for her, I cannot show her how scared I am. "Alice?" he paused, wondering if she can hear him, "they will be here soon. You are strong. I know you can do this.” she sat silently... a soft breeze blowing in her long brown hair. He didn't know what to do. I must talk to her; I must keep her going until they get here. "Baby, remember that time when we lost you? Do you remember? When we had everybody out searching for you and your mother was so worried. You were only five or six at the time and we only left you for five minutes... when we returned you had ran off. I searched for hours, knocking on neighbors doors getting everybody involved… you mother sent for help." Alice sat silently, her father unsure if any of this was going in, but he had to do something, he had to try. "I was so upset, I must have walked miles... shouting, looking running… eventually I turned around back to our car... only find you asleep in the back seat, holding a flower that you found. I never understood why you did that. But I didn't care, you were safe." he said as he reached out for her hand. In the distance the father could hear the sirens approaching. I hope it's not too late. "…Daddy" she said coughing blood, "I didn't… I didn't get lost…It was an adventure… I... I ", she fell into another sleep. She hasn't much time left.
"Ahhhhh!" screamed Alice as the saw was cutting it's way into the barrier, the fireman was working at a safe distance but there was nothing they could do to help the vibrations. "Not long now honey, it's almost over,” said the father, who at this stage was feeling lightheaded. Maybe it was the adrenaline or the need of his daughter, but he was injured and never even noticed it until now. His head was pounding. His vision becoming blurry... he put his hand up to the source of his pain - and returned with a fist full of hair and blood. A paramedic was saying something to him but he couldn't focus, when did she get here? Grey and orange blobs moved to his right, tugging and pulling and securing the car. The only thing that mattered was Alice. She was still in agony. Somebody please, make it stop, please. Help her. Help me. "Alice" he wanted to say but it came out a whisper, "Alice, I love you", this time his lips barely even moved. I'm dying. Alice turned to him, in a brief moment of time they made eye contact and in that moment they said all that needed to be said. He closed his eyes and let the gentle swaying of the car take him.
No. Not like this. Not here, not now. I cannot let her down. I cannot let her mother down. Time had slowed down; there was no crash, no ice, no car, no pain, no injury, just Alice. "Baby" he said almost inaudibly, "baby… take my hand", he reached out with all of his remaining strength to her, as he wrapped his hand around hers, their fingers intertwined. He whispered "never let me go baby", with every jerk of the car towards safety he repeated: "never let go", her head bobbing with every advance, "never let go" another jerk. All the nerves in his body were screaming in agony. "never let go, never let go" as the world slowly darkened all around him. Soon only a lonely grey shadow of the car remained, "never... let… me… go" he whispered.
The rest was a blur. A rush of sirens, lights, people looking over him, peering into him. Every time he tried to focus on someones face it would change and morph into something else. Where am I? Bright white lights zoomed over him, dancing in circles for what seemed a lifetime, "Count to five" he heard a deep voice echo down deep into his core, bouncing off the blackness, consuming his every thought. I have to be strong. He felt a surge of pain, suddenly the blackness turned to a bright red, he felt a burning sensation throughout his body, every pour, every nerve, every molecule was screaming out in pain. My Alice. They will be here soon. Please hurry. The next thing he heard was a voice, "I'm here daddy, I'm okay, wake up, Please wake up. I'm here for you". My daughter. My Alice. Where am I? What am I doing? I must get up. I haven't moved in a long time… but I need to sleep, I am so tired. "I'm sorry miss Callaghan but you have to leave, Mr. Callaghan is going to be moved into the IRC unit and we must take safety precautions before we move him. You cannot be here while the tests are being conducted as it may interfere with the results. Don't worry, you can visit him in the morning, but for now, I must have to ask you to go", "Don't go" wheezed her father, his eyes still shut refusing to open… Trapped in his bed, his prison. He tried to move his arm but it felt like it weighed a ton. "Never let go", he cried, but he could not make a sound. As Alice went over to say goodbye he tried one last time, one last push. "Water", he sighed as he moved his fingers an inch, "Water..." he repeated as Alice bent over him to kiss him goodnight. His fingers moved two inches. As she turned to leave, she lingered at the door a small while, "Don't go baby, please, never let go". His hand moved. His arm moved. His fingers moved. "Daddy!?…” She ran out of the room to chase the doctor. "I need help! He's awake!"
His vision was blurry, his joints ached, he couldn't eat and he couldn't get up. But he was alive. Alice entered the room, the morning was bright and sunlight beamed into his hospital room. She left her crutches at the door and hopped over to him, "How are you feeling today daddy?" she asked. He looked her in the eyes and held her hand. "You never left me" he replied, I needed to be strong for her and she needed to be strong for me. "I could have never done it without you" she smiled bitter sweetly. "Like you said..." she paused squeezing his hand, "I never let go, Daddy…" with tears in her eyes, "…I could never go. I love you". She hugged and kissed him. He smiled knowing all was well, and he let go.
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You'll be fine. I tend not to do critiques anymore.
Elfforkusu
Member
So there is about a 50% chance I will have something decent by tomorrow night.
I just need a song title to name the story after...
I just need a song title to name the story after...
Lazy bum.
The Light of Day
I dreamt last night, a dream where I was living out an alternate life. In this life I was Omar, a poor Iraqi youth hocking DVDs in the streets of Baghdad since the age of ten. I was intelligent, joyous and eternally optimistic, and I could have grown into a great venture capitalist had I been born in the land of the free. But at the age of 13, after diversifying my business to sell mobile phones in 2009, I inadvertently hustled one cell phone to a bomb maker and found myself locked away in Guantanamo Bay for the next four years.
By my seventeenth birthday I would rattle my metallic cup against the prison bars in despair; begging for a trial to whomever passed.
Hey buddy, Ill do your taxes! I would yell out, but they never listened. They were trained not to listen. To find solace I would often talk wistfully to my cellmate and only friend, a Somalian pirate nicknamed Arab Jim by the guards.
Me: Just think Arab Jim, not 100 yards outside these Gitmo fences lay the land of peace and opportunity. Its all out there waiting for me you know; more rice and beans than I could ever hope to eat. I could peddle those new blue DVDs they have now in Havana, feel the frenzy of the marketplace once more, and maybe get to see all those pretty Spanish speaking girls I always hear the guards talking about. Hell, I bet I could even marry a kind-hearted waitress one day! I could do it Jim; all you have to do is be able to see it in your mind first and you can do it. Its out there for us, not 100 yards away! A place of freedom and liberty for me and you.
Arab Jim: You talkin about Communist Cuba?
Me: Yeah.
Arab Jim: You best be forgettin about all that. You find freedom deep down inside, a place where Uncle Sam cant find to take. Cause you aint never gettin outta here!
I knew well enough to listen to the voice of longevity and experience, but Jim was an older man whose best days would always be behind him, and I was not one for the cage plus the perimeter fences appeared so weak, so ill-guarded. Only two gangly strands of barbed wire topped off 20 vertical feet of chain-link fence, hardly a formidable barrier. A few cuts would be nothing to endure to smell that ocean-sprayed air, and feel that warm Caribbean soil that was within running distance before the guards could tackle me.
The following week, during our first recreation following months of lockdown, I ran at the fence blindly and rabidly, and gave to the fence the biggest leap of faith I had ever jumped, not knowing for sure which fate soon awaited me. As 10,000 volts drained the life out of me, I couldnt let go; neither of the fence nor my lust for freedoms many chances. I clung to the fence even in death, one final fly on the swatter.
I dreamt last night, a dream where I was living out an alternate life. In this life I was Omar, a poor Iraqi youth hocking DVDs in the streets of Baghdad since the age of ten. I was intelligent, joyous and eternally optimistic, and I could have grown into a great venture capitalist had I been born in the land of the free. But at the age of 13, after diversifying my business to sell mobile phones in 2009, I inadvertently hustled one cell phone to a bomb maker and found myself locked away in Guantanamo Bay for the next four years.
By my seventeenth birthday I would rattle my metallic cup against the prison bars in despair; begging for a trial to whomever passed.
Hey buddy, Ill do your taxes! I would yell out, but they never listened. They were trained not to listen. To find solace I would often talk wistfully to my cellmate and only friend, a Somalian pirate nicknamed Arab Jim by the guards.
Me: Just think Arab Jim, not 100 yards outside these Gitmo fences lay the land of peace and opportunity. Its all out there waiting for me you know; more rice and beans than I could ever hope to eat. I could peddle those new blue DVDs they have now in Havana, feel the frenzy of the marketplace once more, and maybe get to see all those pretty Spanish speaking girls I always hear the guards talking about. Hell, I bet I could even marry a kind-hearted waitress one day! I could do it Jim; all you have to do is be able to see it in your mind first and you can do it. Its out there for us, not 100 yards away! A place of freedom and liberty for me and you.
Arab Jim: You talkin about Communist Cuba?
Me: Yeah.
Arab Jim: You best be forgettin about all that. You find freedom deep down inside, a place where Uncle Sam cant find to take. Cause you aint never gettin outta here!
I knew well enough to listen to the voice of longevity and experience, but Jim was an older man whose best days would always be behind him, and I was not one for the cage plus the perimeter fences appeared so weak, so ill-guarded. Only two gangly strands of barbed wire topped off 20 vertical feet of chain-link fence, hardly a formidable barrier. A few cuts would be nothing to endure to smell that ocean-sprayed air, and feel that warm Caribbean soil that was within running distance before the guards could tackle me.
The following week, during our first recreation following months of lockdown, I ran at the fence blindly and rabidly, and gave to the fence the biggest leap of faith I had ever jumped, not knowing for sure which fate soon awaited me. As 10,000 volts drained the life out of me, I couldnt let go; neither of the fence nor my lust for freedoms many chances. I clung to the fence even in death, one final fly on the swatter.
And proud.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Friday already D:
I hope you guys don't mind an 18+ rating (the fun kind of 18+). Figured I could do with some practice when it comes to that stuff.
I hope you guys don't mind an 18+ rating (the fun kind of 18+). Figured I could do with some practice when it comes to that stuff.
18+ rating stuff? In the writing challenges? Why, it's never been done!
Get out.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
It will be classy enough, not the 50-shades kind of 18+!
Get out.
:O
Please keep in mind our delicate sensibilities. As ronito said, it has never been done. Certainly not in the very first entry of the very first challenge!
Shoot, now I have to scrap this draft that's just George Carlin's seven dirty words repeated 350 times...
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Brothel Brother
1200ish words
Rated M+
Read at your own discretion, quote to see document:
Document link
1200ish words
Rated M+
Read at your own discretion, quote to see document:
Document link
SquiddyCracker
Banned
I always end up with the opposite problem.
Maybe I'm just more interested in ideas rather than stories.
Maybe I should Asimov.
Maybe I'm just more interested in ideas rather than stories.
Maybe I should Asimov.
The stupid thing is that as long as I'm under a 1000 words I always think that my stories will end up being too short and how much a 1000 words are. And every time I cross the 1000 words I get the feeling that with every sentence I write the word count draws nearer faster and faster (Which of course it does, duh). And then I end up with too much story.
I do this too. I'll start, and think it's going to be short and I won't even use most of the words and maybe I should think about expanding it because this is ridiculously short and... BAM, word limit hit.
Only way to fly.
Elfforkusu
Member
Welp, going to end up waaay over the world limit. This is why I don't usually do these!
Fake edit where I actually decide to hit the post button:
Actually, though, this may be salvageable. Though it'll be the abridged version.
Fake edit where I actually decide to hit the post button:
Actually, though, this may be salvageable. Though it'll be the abridged version.
God daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn it, I opened it up in Word and got a completely different word count than I did in LibreOffice, now I'm way over the limit. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu... No idea how this happened, probably something with switching back and forth between the two with track changes on...
I am throwing in the towel.
I share the same sentiment as others, I think it will be under the limit but find I need more to flesh things out. I can never get it right.
Here is my entry:
Nasty Business
2435 or 2445 words (depends on the editor...weird)
I share the same sentiment as others, I think it will be under the limit but find I need more to flesh things out. I can never get it right.
Here is my entry:
Nasty Business
2435 or 2445 words (depends on the editor...weird)
Figments
Alright, I've pared it down to 2,495 words. I got a smidgen fancy with the presentation as a last minute lark, let me know if you have trouble reading it and I can provide an unfancy version.
Usual password.
EDIT: Version without the background image
Alright, I've pared it down to 2,495 words. I got a smidgen fancy with the presentation as a last minute lark, let me know if you have trouble reading it and I can provide an unfancy version.
Usual password.
EDIT: Version without the background image
Funny, considering how Word is normally lower for me, but as long as it's fine in libre, I don't see what the problem is.
It was something like 700 words off. It's bizarre, I've never had that large of a discrepancy.
I'm still here with you! WRITE!
Guys, I need a good font for this PDF, what do you say?
Elfforkusu
Member
It's... not happening. Sorry duders.
good practice nonetheless!
good practice nonetheless!
What better time than now?
Finished writing. Link will come in a few minutes when I'm done spell-checking.
Edit: Here it is: "A night at Kat's" ~2460 words
Password:
Edit: Here it is: "A night at Kat's" ~2460 words
Password:
Long Live the King (2497)
Chainsawkitten - Ramblings, or On the Impossibility of Coming Out
ronito - Jack
CoffeeExpress - Never let go
Ecotic - The Light of Day
Aaron - Mosaic
Ward - CLYMBN [Up the Ladder]
SquiddyCracker - Brothel Brother
tirminyl - Nasty Business
Mike M - Figments
multivac - I Dare You
Ashes1396 - solemnity in disgrace
Tangent - The Ad Deal
Nezumi - A night at Kat's
Cyan - Long Live the King
Old and new alike, enjoy...
ronito - Jack
CoffeeExpress - Never let go
Ecotic - The Light of Day
Aaron - Mosaic
Ward - CLYMBN [Up the Ladder]
SquiddyCracker - Brothel Brother
tirminyl - Nasty Business
Mike M - Figments
multivac - I Dare You
Ashes1396 - solemnity in disgrace
Tangent - The Ad Deal
Nezumi - A night at Kat's
Cyan - Long Live the King
Old and new alike, enjoy...
Votes:
1- multivac
2- ronito
3- Nezumi
Comments:
Chainsaw - Even in an essay like this, I think it would be better to start with a concrete and personal experience rather than the abstract, since that gives you something to abstract on later, and gives the reader an anchor for your piece.
ronito - This is a great story except for the solid chunk of exposition that weighs down the end like a hippo on a life raft. It would have been better if you chopped up this exposition, and found other ways to express it as much as possible. Lynn could mention Jack and hint at him being different from the others at the start, and the narrator learn about him through the story instead of the knowledge dump at the end.
Coffee - The formatting made this really hard to read. While the story was good, I think it could have been more effective in less words. With the narrator in pain and rushed to act, it would feel more immediate if he were more focused.
Ecotic - It's interesting, but I wanted more of it. I wanted more build up to his escape attempt.
Ward - Starts out neat, but gets a little too convoluted near the end with the crossovers. You also say the character's names a little too much, to the point it's distracting. There has to be another way of referring to them.
Squiddy - Try to read your first paragraph out loud without taking a breath. That's how hard it is to read for other people. I think the story gets washed away in the tide of description and over complication. It needs a skeleton to shore it up.
tirminyl - Reads like a first draft. Could really use a revision to help focus the paragraphs and tune the sentences. It shifts wildly from summary to narration and back again, and the story is getting lost in the process.
Mike M - Sorry, but did not read. The background is like nails in my eyes.
multivac - It's a fine portrayal of a creeping old man. The ending comes off a little flat, but not sure what it could be without upping the stakes to an absurd level.
Ashes1396 - Starts well, but gets bogged down in conversation that doesn't go anywhere, and doesn't explain what had just happened. I simply don't know enough about the characters to be included in their conversation, and I don't learn enough about them through that conversation.
Nezumi - It's a cute little story, but you have a tendency to overexplain things, like that early part entirely devoted to explaining Kat. It isn't really needed and something better expressed within the actual narration.
Tangent - While it captured the spirit of the characters, I feel like Wallace and Grommit need a dash of adventure. I would have cast them in the latest Fast and Furious.
Cyan - I don't like how the very first sentence is a generic phrase. It would be better to start with the third paragraph to give that strong starting image and explain it later. You're giving a detailed answer before the question can even exist. This happens throughout the story, and hurts any build up of surprise or suspense.
1- multivac
2- ronito
3- Nezumi
Comments:
Chainsaw - Even in an essay like this, I think it would be better to start with a concrete and personal experience rather than the abstract, since that gives you something to abstract on later, and gives the reader an anchor for your piece.
ronito - This is a great story except for the solid chunk of exposition that weighs down the end like a hippo on a life raft. It would have been better if you chopped up this exposition, and found other ways to express it as much as possible. Lynn could mention Jack and hint at him being different from the others at the start, and the narrator learn about him through the story instead of the knowledge dump at the end.
Coffee - The formatting made this really hard to read. While the story was good, I think it could have been more effective in less words. With the narrator in pain and rushed to act, it would feel more immediate if he were more focused.
Ecotic - It's interesting, but I wanted more of it. I wanted more build up to his escape attempt.
Ward - Starts out neat, but gets a little too convoluted near the end with the crossovers. You also say the character's names a little too much, to the point it's distracting. There has to be another way of referring to them.
Squiddy - Try to read your first paragraph out loud without taking a breath. That's how hard it is to read for other people. I think the story gets washed away in the tide of description and over complication. It needs a skeleton to shore it up.
tirminyl - Reads like a first draft. Could really use a revision to help focus the paragraphs and tune the sentences. It shifts wildly from summary to narration and back again, and the story is getting lost in the process.
Mike M - Sorry, but did not read. The background is like nails in my eyes.
multivac - It's a fine portrayal of a creeping old man. The ending comes off a little flat, but not sure what it could be without upping the stakes to an absurd level.
Ashes1396 - Starts well, but gets bogged down in conversation that doesn't go anywhere, and doesn't explain what had just happened. I simply don't know enough about the characters to be included in their conversation, and I don't learn enough about them through that conversation.
Nezumi - It's a cute little story, but you have a tendency to overexplain things, like that early part entirely devoted to explaining Kat. It isn't really needed and something better expressed within the actual narration.
Tangent - While it captured the spirit of the characters, I feel like Wallace and Grommit need a dash of adventure. I would have cast them in the latest Fast and Furious.
Cyan - I don't like how the very first sentence is a generic phrase. It would be better to start with the third paragraph to give that strong starting image and explain it later. You're giving a detailed answer before the question can even exist. This happens throughout the story, and hurts any build up of surprise or suspense.
CoffeeExpress
Member
1. Aaron
2. multivac
3. Mike M
Okay, so here`are some of my impressions. I'm still new enough to writing so I cant really comment on writing styles.
Chainsawkitten - Ramblings, or On the Impossibility of Coming Out
I liked it, felt like a more of an essay / breaking down of sexuaility rather than a story. I think it could have related to the reader a bit more, for example the passage about actually asking yourself why are you attracted to the other / same sex was very interesting. I would have liked to draw more comparisons between 'them' and 'us'.
ronito - Jack
This one was very easy to read and the pace was enjoyable, moving at a constant clip without getting to bogged down. I'm not sure of the aim of the piece - to make us feel sorry for Jack? he's obviously not happy with himself.
Ecotic - The Light of Day
You established a interesting premise but you just ended it, I think it's clear you were not sure where to take the story and decided to hand up as is. A shame, because I did like the setting and characters.
Aaron - Mosaic
Wow great story, which took a surprising turn that I didn't expect. I did find the protagonist's (if you call her that) motives a little unclear, but the whole streaming live over the internet live was a neat touch. Cant really fault it otherwise! good work.
Ward - CLYMBN [Up the Ladder]
I know referring to established characters was the secondary theme this week, but in this case I felt to detracted from the story. I felt like I was reading a fan-fiction mashup of Breaking bad, the Wire and Arrested Development. Including jokes from AR in my opinion made your story a little less unique. The linking to the wiki entries was very clever though.
SquiddyCracker - Brothel Brother
I had no idea what was happening in the first paragraph, I had to re-read it twice but I was still unsure what's goin on. Also I know this minor, but a small spelling mistake in the first or second line threw me off. Otherwise it's a pleasant tale, I liked the way they have some sort of otherworld slang. However the plot between the characters was a bit thin, with no real confrontation between the two male 'workers'.
tirminyl - Nasty Business
I felt this was taken from a novel, it certainly does not read like the others. The change of perspective was nice, although with each persecutive taking part in the same time / before / after, it gets a little confusing. I can see what your going for and it works, however the end reveal did feel a bit out of place within the world you established.
Mike M - Figments
I can tell you enjoyed writing this. The story is not as smart as it thinks it is, in my opinion - it starts off good but gets bogged down by the gentlemen walking around commenting about old roads and houses, which is a bit boring. Once the boy wizard is introduced the story takes a much more interesting direction.
multivac - I Dare You
A good read and kept interesting throughout.
Ashes1396 - solemnity in disgrace
I dont know what was going on here, Lino attempts to murder his wife - then she wakes up and they make coffee talking over it ? I don't think this is how normal characters should act. The story jumps here and there without any real goal or aim.
Tangent - The Ad Deal
You nailed the characters, I could see the whole thing play out in my head just like the tv show and movies, so good job on nailing the atmosphere. The story, I'm not sure what I was reading Wallace and Grommit working with web ads ? it's definitely a new take but I felt the whole story did not go anywhere.
Nezumi - A night at Kat's
The whole fairy thing isn't really for me, so this story generally didn't click with me. I can see the fun and adventure in the story, kind of like a kids tv show.
Cyan - Long Live the King
Felt alot like Game of Thrones, although entirely focused on the arena and fighting. I find the King tourment hard to believe, why couldn't he just ban it? he's the king! no matter what some people may think.
2. multivac
3. Mike M
Okay, so here`are some of my impressions. I'm still new enough to writing so I cant really comment on writing styles.
Chainsawkitten - Ramblings, or On the Impossibility of Coming Out
I liked it, felt like a more of an essay / breaking down of sexuaility rather than a story. I think it could have related to the reader a bit more, for example the passage about actually asking yourself why are you attracted to the other / same sex was very interesting. I would have liked to draw more comparisons between 'them' and 'us'.
ronito - Jack
This one was very easy to read and the pace was enjoyable, moving at a constant clip without getting to bogged down. I'm not sure of the aim of the piece - to make us feel sorry for Jack? he's obviously not happy with himself.
Ecotic - The Light of Day
You established a interesting premise but you just ended it, I think it's clear you were not sure where to take the story and decided to hand up as is. A shame, because I did like the setting and characters.
Aaron - Mosaic
Wow great story, which took a surprising turn that I didn't expect. I did find the protagonist's (if you call her that) motives a little unclear, but the whole streaming live over the internet live was a neat touch. Cant really fault it otherwise! good work.
Ward - CLYMBN [Up the Ladder]
I know referring to established characters was the secondary theme this week, but in this case I felt to detracted from the story. I felt like I was reading a fan-fiction mashup of Breaking bad, the Wire and Arrested Development. Including jokes from AR in my opinion made your story a little less unique. The linking to the wiki entries was very clever though.
SquiddyCracker - Brothel Brother
I had no idea what was happening in the first paragraph, I had to re-read it twice but I was still unsure what's goin on. Also I know this minor, but a small spelling mistake in the first or second line threw me off. Otherwise it's a pleasant tale, I liked the way they have some sort of otherworld slang. However the plot between the characters was a bit thin, with no real confrontation between the two male 'workers'.
tirminyl - Nasty Business
I felt this was taken from a novel, it certainly does not read like the others. The change of perspective was nice, although with each persecutive taking part in the same time / before / after, it gets a little confusing. I can see what your going for and it works, however the end reveal did feel a bit out of place within the world you established.
Mike M - Figments
I can tell you enjoyed writing this. The story is not as smart as it thinks it is, in my opinion - it starts off good but gets bogged down by the gentlemen walking around commenting about old roads and houses, which is a bit boring. Once the boy wizard is introduced the story takes a much more interesting direction.
multivac - I Dare You
A good read and kept interesting throughout.
Ashes1396 - solemnity in disgrace
I dont know what was going on here, Lino attempts to murder his wife - then she wakes up and they make coffee talking over it ? I don't think this is how normal characters should act. The story jumps here and there without any real goal or aim.
Tangent - The Ad Deal
You nailed the characters, I could see the whole thing play out in my head just like the tv show and movies, so good job on nailing the atmosphere. The story, I'm not sure what I was reading Wallace and Grommit working with web ads ? it's definitely a new take but I felt the whole story did not go anywhere.
Nezumi - A night at Kat's
The whole fairy thing isn't really for me, so this story generally didn't click with me. I can see the fun and adventure in the story, kind of like a kids tv show.
Cyan - Long Live the King
Felt alot like Game of Thrones, although entirely focused on the arena and fighting. I find the King tourment hard to believe, why couldn't he just ban it? he's the king! no matter what some people may think.
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