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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #130 - "Song and Dance"
- Thread starter Aaron
- Start date
- Status
hey_monkey
Banned
Better get my shit posted before I rage out in the WoGAF thread and earn my first ban. 
I'm having problems passwording.
eta: also I think the best I can do on secondary is slant-reference polka. story is what it is, man, and did not go as planned. ended up being real weird.
I'm having problems passwording.eta: also I think the best I can do on secondary is slant-reference polka. story is what it is, man, and did not go as planned. ended up being real weird.
"First-Hand Account of the Mysterious Events that Occurred on Rokeh Island" (1500 words) (Just made the word limit!)
hey_monkey
Banned
Perambulation (1432)
Gotcha. Thanks!
Well...I got something done. Coming up with something for this was very, very hard. Went back to a more literal interpretation of my original idea after everything fell through. Be as harsh as possible guys and gals.
Dramatization for a Film (661)
Password: Quote
Dramatization for a Film (661)
Password: Quote
BLOOD PACT COMPLETE
Here are the entrails:
A Diet Of Rhythm
The Love Letter
"Mirrored"
"Spinner"
"Lift Up"
Locket
The Lord High Executioner's Lament
People with Music in Their Lives
Ecomotors
"First-Hand Account of the Mysterious Events that Occurred on Rokeh Island"
Shitty's Bait Shop
A Harmony in the Mountain Air
Perambulation
Dramatization for a Film
Click
A Diet Of Rhythm
The Love Letter
"Mirrored"
"Spinner"
"Lift Up"
Locket
The Lord High Executioner's Lament
People with Music in Their Lives
Ecomotors
"First-Hand Account of the Mysterious Events that Occurred on Rokeh Island"
Shitty's Bait Shop
A Harmony in the Mountain Air
Perambulation
Dramatization for a Film
Click
toddhunter
Member
Times are tough if you have to burn yourself.
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Eh, uh, my submission is... imaginary!
Chainsawkitten
Member
Yeah, I also picked a lost film as inspiration for the secondary, just like you.
HORRORSHØW
Member
If only I could write compelling prose.
Apologies in advance if Im coming off a bit rough tonight, its totally not my intent. But rereading some of these comments, I sound a bit like a jerk to my ears : / I chalk it up to my innate distaste for musical numbers, this theme was stacked against me from the start : P
mikeroth -- A Diet of Rhythm: Probably could have used another proofreading pass. Couple missing punctuation marks and words, some sentences dont flow as smoothly as they might if they were worded slightly differently. You had some excellent use of imagery going on, but I felt it could afford some tightening up. It was kind of anticlimactic though, we spent most of it building up to the dance, which consists only of the last paragraph and ends abruptly without any sort of draw down. Such is the peril of true stories though, things just end abruptly in real life.
toddhunter -- The Love Letter: I like the peppering of weird little details like the cage dancing android considering disobeying its programming after just one more song, and the detective wondering if the womans tail literally had a mind of its own. Things like that go a long way towards adding flavor. But then theres a line like her laugh echoed in their ears like a crystal duckling jumping into a pool of marshmallows. I have no clue what that is trying to convey. A gun is referred to as a laser pistol, up until the following sentence calls it a phazer. The motivations of the two investigators are never clear; theyre looking for this scalenvariator thing, but we have no idea what it is, what it does, and what the stakes are. Apparently theyre pretty dire, since theyre willing to let a murder suspect go in pursuit of it, and their failure apparently brings about the end of the world, but none of this is explained so its just confusing.
ThLunarian -- Mirrored: I love this premise, Ive long since toyed with writing a story around stuff similar to this. Ever see Sliding Doors? Insufferable movie, but I dig it anyway purely because of the hook. This seemed less of a story in and of itself and more a scene and accompanying thumbnail sketch of a longer, more intricate story. To try and tamp such a concept down into 850 words necessitates too much rushed exposition and lack of exploration of the effects such a predicament would incur on Will/Bills life. Its just too rich of a vein for me to be satisfied with knicking off a few chunks of raw ore.
Bagels -- Spinner: Best username and password combination ever. Story was masterfully done as well, I didnt see any structural flaws in my read through, and the usage of metaphor was spot on.
Nezumi -- Lift Up: Im with Cookie, I dont understand. I guess I kind of get that the vision was supposed to be a preview of heaven? Or something? And that Cookie has a preview coming on at the end there? What I dont get is why either of these two people rank something like that, its not as though their grief and suffering was portrayed as being particularly profound or of unparalleled depth. I also didnt get who the elevator operator was supposed to be. Angel of death? Some other angel? God? Magical negro? Idunno, I thought we were being set up for some Gilded Age rendition of a Magical Helper fairy tale, but then it just seemed to dead end in a cul de sac of ambiguity.
Aguila -- Locket: A store named Passions does not evoke thought of an establishment that retails dresses of mode est nature approved by grandmothers : ). I thought this one was structurally sound enough, but ultimately it was a story about a bunch of fairly responsible teenagers who did not have sex and were home by curfew. While the significance of the locket loaned by the grandmother was easy enough to deduce, there wasnt any heft to it to lend it impact. Im not going to tell you that it was a boring read, but Im going to tell you that I didnt exactly stoke the fires of my interest.
Aaron -- The Lord High Executioners Lament: Nice work on the rhyming scheme, thats not an easy feat. Well, its not for me at any rate, but Im not the poetic type. Id actually enjoy seeing a performance of this, and I hate musical numbers with a furious burning passion as I do not have a lyrical bone in my body (but I find they lose something when read and not sung, since I have no idea what cadance is intended for them.). Cute.
John Dunbar -- People With Music in Their Lives: Musical reality show judges getting their comeuppance is a revenge fantasy that dwells within us all, but its hard to bring a new take to the table since its a relatively straight forward scenario. Turning the tables so that the pastiche of Simon Cowell had it planned all along was indeed a new take, but I felt like it was playing it a bit too straight when I was jonesing for something with a lot more satire.
Mike M -- Ecomotors: My something old was the fact that I had originally envisioned this conversation in the form of a script for a sketch, but decided to write it out as a self contained story. Im not sure as to the success of the results. I like to think I have pretty good comedic timing in something being performed, but Im far less confident of how it comes across in a written form such as this. This sort of thing lives and dies by its punchiness and pacing, and Im not sure it translated well to this. Plus, theres the absurdism element to it, something that I really think is best sold by live performance. Oh well, its out there now. Actually kind of surprised that more people didnt join me in going with a non-literal invocation of song and dance as the theme. There is one gag here that someone might call foul on, so Im just gonna leave this here just in case and come back to it if I need to
Tangent -- First-Hand Account of the Mysterious Events that Occurred on Rokeh Island: Well, saw where that was going relatively quickly The folkloric myth that the story hinges upon is nice and authentic sounding, very much in keeping with the style of creation myths as Ive read them around the world. I found the claim that the Rokehi were a constantly gleeful people at odds with the actual descriptions in the story, however. They came across as less that they were constantly happy and cheerful from all the skipping and whistling and more like they were doing it because they were terrified of the consequences. Kind of reminded me of the opening to Bart the Monster in Treehouse of Horror II where everyone was going around thinking happy thoughts not because they were happy, but because they feared repercussions. The final paragraph about the bat was kind out of left field and confusing to me, Im not sure I understand the purpose of its inclusion. Was the blacking out supposed to be the fulfillment of the prophecy that everything would be black again? Youd think one would be more likely to be knocked out from the impact with the tree than for a random vampire bat to stop for a snack in the middle of a volcanic eruption that wipes out all life on the island.
hey_monkey -- Shittys Bait Shop: Wondrous amount of characterization crammed into a relatively short piece, bonus points for the colloquial vernacular style as well.
Pau -- A Harmony in the Mountain Air: I got kind of got hung up on the brief mention of surgery. It just seemed so out of place in a tale about some agrarian pre-industrial village. Not that they wouldnt have the means or knowledge of castration, but more that they would refer to it as a surgery. It seemed to come to naught anyway, as it seemed to work out at the end for the protagonist, which deflated the whole conflict without satisfactory resolution. I want to be a singer! You cant be a singer, its sacrilege. Well now Im a singer! Oh. Okay then. Surely it would not have gone that smoothly for him. Granted, there was implication that it was a short lived acceptance, but given the revulsion expressed at the notion of a man singing, Im surprised that they even lasted the completion of one song.
Cyan -- Perambulation: I liked this one a lot, how you walked the main character down the path towards enlightenment about how his behavior appeared to others. What I didnt understand was who the smooth-gaited man was supposed to be, or what exactly it was that he was offering. The narrative went out of the way to expressly point out that the man did not belong there, yet we never found out what he was doing there. This was kind of problematic, because he was the catalyst that set off the self-realization that resolved the conflict, but seemingly existed in contrast to everyone else present at the party.
ZeroRay -- Dramatization for a Film: Check your PMs : ) Overall, I think you might have gone a bit overboard on the imagery, but the story suffered for it. I have absolutely zero conception of what was going on here. Syd had a bad trip and thinks hes someone named Marty?
DumbNameD -- Click: The concept of a deaf woman caught in an apocalyptic song and dance number caused by a magic music box is a fantastic one, but my problem is how on earth did she know where to go to find the music box? I feel like Im missing a crucial thread that ties everything together in a neat package.
Votes:
1.) hey_monkey
2.) Bagels
3.) Aaron
---
Response Corner
I was rolling with a definition a couple of entries down the list from literal song and dance : )
mikeroth -- A Diet of Rhythm: Probably could have used another proofreading pass. Couple missing punctuation marks and words, some sentences dont flow as smoothly as they might if they were worded slightly differently. You had some excellent use of imagery going on, but I felt it could afford some tightening up. It was kind of anticlimactic though, we spent most of it building up to the dance, which consists only of the last paragraph and ends abruptly without any sort of draw down. Such is the peril of true stories though, things just end abruptly in real life.
toddhunter -- The Love Letter: I like the peppering of weird little details like the cage dancing android considering disobeying its programming after just one more song, and the detective wondering if the womans tail literally had a mind of its own. Things like that go a long way towards adding flavor. But then theres a line like her laugh echoed in their ears like a crystal duckling jumping into a pool of marshmallows. I have no clue what that is trying to convey. A gun is referred to as a laser pistol, up until the following sentence calls it a phazer. The motivations of the two investigators are never clear; theyre looking for this scalenvariator thing, but we have no idea what it is, what it does, and what the stakes are. Apparently theyre pretty dire, since theyre willing to let a murder suspect go in pursuit of it, and their failure apparently brings about the end of the world, but none of this is explained so its just confusing.
ThLunarian -- Mirrored: I love this premise, Ive long since toyed with writing a story around stuff similar to this. Ever see Sliding Doors? Insufferable movie, but I dig it anyway purely because of the hook. This seemed less of a story in and of itself and more a scene and accompanying thumbnail sketch of a longer, more intricate story. To try and tamp such a concept down into 850 words necessitates too much rushed exposition and lack of exploration of the effects such a predicament would incur on Will/Bills life. Its just too rich of a vein for me to be satisfied with knicking off a few chunks of raw ore.
Bagels -- Spinner: Best username and password combination ever. Story was masterfully done as well, I didnt see any structural flaws in my read through, and the usage of metaphor was spot on.
Nezumi -- Lift Up: Im with Cookie, I dont understand. I guess I kind of get that the vision was supposed to be a preview of heaven? Or something? And that Cookie has a preview coming on at the end there? What I dont get is why either of these two people rank something like that, its not as though their grief and suffering was portrayed as being particularly profound or of unparalleled depth. I also didnt get who the elevator operator was supposed to be. Angel of death? Some other angel? God? Magical negro? Idunno, I thought we were being set up for some Gilded Age rendition of a Magical Helper fairy tale, but then it just seemed to dead end in a cul de sac of ambiguity.
Aguila -- Locket: A store named Passions does not evoke thought of an establishment that retails dresses of mode est nature approved by grandmothers : ). I thought this one was structurally sound enough, but ultimately it was a story about a bunch of fairly responsible teenagers who did not have sex and were home by curfew. While the significance of the locket loaned by the grandmother was easy enough to deduce, there wasnt any heft to it to lend it impact. Im not going to tell you that it was a boring read, but Im going to tell you that I didnt exactly stoke the fires of my interest.
Aaron -- The Lord High Executioners Lament: Nice work on the rhyming scheme, thats not an easy feat. Well, its not for me at any rate, but Im not the poetic type. Id actually enjoy seeing a performance of this, and I hate musical numbers with a furious burning passion as I do not have a lyrical bone in my body (but I find they lose something when read and not sung, since I have no idea what cadance is intended for them.). Cute.
John Dunbar -- People With Music in Their Lives: Musical reality show judges getting their comeuppance is a revenge fantasy that dwells within us all, but its hard to bring a new take to the table since its a relatively straight forward scenario. Turning the tables so that the pastiche of Simon Cowell had it planned all along was indeed a new take, but I felt like it was playing it a bit too straight when I was jonesing for something with a lot more satire.
Mike M -- Ecomotors: My something old was the fact that I had originally envisioned this conversation in the form of a script for a sketch, but decided to write it out as a self contained story. Im not sure as to the success of the results. I like to think I have pretty good comedic timing in something being performed, but Im far less confident of how it comes across in a written form such as this. This sort of thing lives and dies by its punchiness and pacing, and Im not sure it translated well to this. Plus, theres the absurdism element to it, something that I really think is best sold by live performance. Oh well, its out there now. Actually kind of surprised that more people didnt join me in going with a non-literal invocation of song and dance as the theme. There is one gag here that someone might call foul on, so Im just gonna leave this here just in case and come back to it if I need to
Tangent -- First-Hand Account of the Mysterious Events that Occurred on Rokeh Island: Well, saw where that was going relatively quickly The folkloric myth that the story hinges upon is nice and authentic sounding, very much in keeping with the style of creation myths as Ive read them around the world. I found the claim that the Rokehi were a constantly gleeful people at odds with the actual descriptions in the story, however. They came across as less that they were constantly happy and cheerful from all the skipping and whistling and more like they were doing it because they were terrified of the consequences. Kind of reminded me of the opening to Bart the Monster in Treehouse of Horror II where everyone was going around thinking happy thoughts not because they were happy, but because they feared repercussions. The final paragraph about the bat was kind out of left field and confusing to me, Im not sure I understand the purpose of its inclusion. Was the blacking out supposed to be the fulfillment of the prophecy that everything would be black again? Youd think one would be more likely to be knocked out from the impact with the tree than for a random vampire bat to stop for a snack in the middle of a volcanic eruption that wipes out all life on the island.
hey_monkey -- Shittys Bait Shop: Wondrous amount of characterization crammed into a relatively short piece, bonus points for the colloquial vernacular style as well.
Pau -- A Harmony in the Mountain Air: I got kind of got hung up on the brief mention of surgery. It just seemed so out of place in a tale about some agrarian pre-industrial village. Not that they wouldnt have the means or knowledge of castration, but more that they would refer to it as a surgery. It seemed to come to naught anyway, as it seemed to work out at the end for the protagonist, which deflated the whole conflict without satisfactory resolution. I want to be a singer! You cant be a singer, its sacrilege. Well now Im a singer! Oh. Okay then. Surely it would not have gone that smoothly for him. Granted, there was implication that it was a short lived acceptance, but given the revulsion expressed at the notion of a man singing, Im surprised that they even lasted the completion of one song.
Cyan -- Perambulation: I liked this one a lot, how you walked the main character down the path towards enlightenment about how his behavior appeared to others. What I didnt understand was who the smooth-gaited man was supposed to be, or what exactly it was that he was offering. The narrative went out of the way to expressly point out that the man did not belong there, yet we never found out what he was doing there. This was kind of problematic, because he was the catalyst that set off the self-realization that resolved the conflict, but seemingly existed in contrast to everyone else present at the party.
ZeroRay -- Dramatization for a Film: Check your PMs : ) Overall, I think you might have gone a bit overboard on the imagery, but the story suffered for it. I have absolutely zero conception of what was going on here. Syd had a bad trip and thinks hes someone named Marty?
DumbNameD -- Click: The concept of a deaf woman caught in an apocalyptic song and dance number caused by a magic music box is a fantastic one, but my problem is how on earth did she know where to go to find the music box? I feel like Im missing a crucial thread that ties everything together in a neat package.
Votes:
1.) hey_monkey
2.) Bagels
3.) Aaron
---
Response Corner
I was rolling with a definition a couple of entries down the list from literal song and dance : )
Archibald is the avatar of the post-singularity collective hive mind of super-intelligent robot cars on the lot. I may have been too abstruse with that subtext, in retrospect it's easy to miss.
: P
I'm pretty sure this is the first time you voted me top spot for anything. I knew if I just tried hard enough long enough, I'd make you love me eventually! *sob*
Yeah, I wasn't sure what word to use for it that wouldn't sound too out of place. Procedure might work better? Surgery did exist in pre-industrial societies though, so I decided that it existed even in a small form in this one.
And yeah, the implication was that the harmony lasted only a few notes, not a whole song. That should have been clearer.
hey_monkey
Banned
This really makes my day. I had so many doubts about this story. Sometimes when you're inside it, it's hard to see if it's actually coming together. Thank you.
I'm working on writing up my comments. In the meantime, there's a postscript to my story that I wanted to share:
Please dont read before reading my story!
Please dont read before reading my story!
"Spinner" is a very personal story, based on recent events concerning a friend of mine. I was super aware of what it sounded like, and how it could be interpreted, so I specifically tried to write AGAINST a romantic interpretation. As a result, the SMOLDERING PASSION is like 10x worse! So...great, I cant share this with my wife now, because it REALLY sounds like I had an affair.
I kept going between laughter and embarrassment, with a sprinkling of pride that I had written something that could be taken in this totally different way.
Im actually really proud of this. It helped me work through some things and put them into words. I havent attempted fiction in over a decade, and I honestly didnt think I had it in me.
I wanted to share it with the person its about, to tell her I understand why we wont be talking, why she needs to go away and get help. And at the same time, it makes me so sad, because her friendship has been so special and meant so much to me. I knew she would understand it, and it would mean the same things to her that it does to me. But...yeah, it does sound a little...err...passionate? Smoldering with barely contained sexual tension?
She unexpectedly appeared online again and I thought, Fuck it. Ill show her. So I gave her this Oh God please dont think I want us to run away together! intro and sent it to her.
And she loved it. She knew EXACTLY what I meant, and was so moved that I understood her, and understood the situation, and she felt so bad that she had kept me at arms length. Friendship means so much to me, and I was so glad that we shared this moment. So were having this long talk, and heres what she said, and why she is one of my favorite people on Earth:
and now I'm crying again
Its beautiful, Pete
but no, I won't fuck you
I kept going between laughter and embarrassment, with a sprinkling of pride that I had written something that could be taken in this totally different way.
Im actually really proud of this. It helped me work through some things and put them into words. I havent attempted fiction in over a decade, and I honestly didnt think I had it in me.
I wanted to share it with the person its about, to tell her I understand why we wont be talking, why she needs to go away and get help. And at the same time, it makes me so sad, because her friendship has been so special and meant so much to me. I knew she would understand it, and it would mean the same things to her that it does to me. But...yeah, it does sound a little...err...passionate? Smoldering with barely contained sexual tension?
She unexpectedly appeared online again and I thought, Fuck it. Ill show her. So I gave her this Oh God please dont think I want us to run away together! intro and sent it to her.
And she loved it. She knew EXACTLY what I meant, and was so moved that I understood her, and understood the situation, and she felt so bad that she had kept me at arms length. Friendship means so much to me, and I was so glad that we shared this moment. So were having this long talk, and heres what she said, and why she is one of my favorite people on Earth:
and now I'm crying again
Its beautiful, Pete
but no, I won't fuck you
WIP
1. Mikeroth - A Diet of Rhythm
I loved the languorous mood you created in the first part of the story. I really identify with that feeling of being trapped in your own head, of pulling your world inward. The emphasis on details like the mud on your feet collapses the world down so nicely.
A few specific lines:
“The juxtaposition of the lively concerts just down the hill and the quiet gym made for a surreal effect on the night” - I think this is a good example of show, don’t tell. The contrast was already there. Trust the reader to get that feeling.
“It seemed as if all the attendees along with myself had suddenly materialized there and had somehow been cut off from the rest of the planet to fend for ourselves, only I was the sole outcast, quiet and confused, not really having any idea what I was doing or why I was there, while all the others began to band together.” - I really like this passage. I’d cut “along with myself,” full stop between “ourselves, only I”?
“The water was overwhelming, so vast and expansive.” Vast and expansive?
“I tapped along quietly before noticing a barefoot young girl enter through the doors at the far end of the gym, maybe two or three years older than myself.” This struck me as very odd. I would never call someone older than myself young, even if we both were young.
“All of the light particles in the gym vanished but the ones that reached her feet and she began to spin a glowing ball of yarn that the greatest poets on Earth could only dream of using to weave their lyrical quilts together.” You lost me here. Honestly, this is where I fail as a writer. It is so damn hard to describe these kind of feelings. I like the contrast you’re going for - the first part of the story is more matter of fact, more direct. Then, in the end , you try to spin off to these wild metaphorical heights. It just did not succeed for me.
“The credits rolled and I was happily buried.” Nice ending!
2. Toddhunter - The Love Letter
I think this suffers from a lack of direction. Is it a parody of sci-fi/police procedurals? Is it supposed to be read as straight noir/hardboiled fiction? Is it a send up of the subject matter or is it trying to say something profound? It seems to start as one thing, then end as another.
Three ”fucks” in the first two sentences? Much as my own speech is filled with casual profanity, it often rings false to me in written dialogue. It’s really off-putting here, although it seems to fit better in the rest of the story.
“World weary pair” - once again, show, don’t tell. The dialogue makes this clear. Saying it directly feels like a shortcut for writers without the skill to bring it out. You see this in bad writing all the time. You have the skill to make it clear - trust yourself, and trust your readers.
You use the word “rickety” to describe both the car and the android’s cage, and it was jarring both times. That could just be me.
“whilst the song it blared...,” “whilst also” - I know whilst is more of a UK thing, but it always sounds pretentious to my ears. Why not use while? I guess there is a subtle distinction that you can make use of, but I rarely see it employed for effect. “Whilst also” is a strange construction, too. Ditch the extra “also.”
“You couldn’t have missed her sitting there in one of the many red leather booths. She was a stunning girl, long blonde hair, perky breasts and the kind of eyes that a guy could lose himself in to quickly end up going mad.” - why have we slipped into noir? There’s a disconnect in tone from the rest of the story. The girls having a tail struck me as a completely unnecessary detail, too.
I really like the ending, but it doesn’t fit the rest of the story. Here, I’m left scratching my head. It makes me think that there has been some bigger message here, but it honestly feels more like an exercise in aping a particular style. Me being too dumb to pick it up is also a very real possibility.
3. ThLunarian - Mirrored
I love the core of the story - being trapped in this strange double life and this question of how aware each side is of the doubling.
“What am I doing here?” - I love the opening. You’ve got the tone down from the first line.
Is there a reason they are dancing to Lady GaGa? I don’t know her music to know if the song choice means something here. Unless the song title is super meaningful (and “Bad Romance” is a suggestive title, but does it really tell us more about the Will/Bill-Olivia relationship than we already know?), we’ll need some lyrics to know what you’re talking about. Unless it really, really matters, I’d ditch it and let your story exist in some indeterminate time and place.
I was a bit confused by the setting. You call it both a ballroom and a dance studio. Unless this is Versailles, the ballroom presumably will not have a big wall of mirrors, like a dance studio. But I don’t think of performing for a crowd in a dance studio, so I couldn’t decide which one it was.
Nitpicks aside, I enjoyed this a lot, and really liked the ending (have I said that in every critique? I don’t always like how things end, I promise). It’s all the better for fitting into about half the word limit.
4. Bagels - Spinner
Bagels, that was shit.
5. Nezumi - Lift Up
This all felt too clichéd to me. Grannie imparting some deathbed wisdom, elevator as metaphor, music as heaven/communication from beyond this world.
I’d like that last one if it were developed a bit more here. It just did not feel genuine to me.
This could be entirely my hangup, so take it for what it’s worth, but I found this jarring as a deathbed scene. Granny is “frail,” and “weak,” and then she just kind of launches into this long soliloquy. I honestly thought, “Isn’t Grannie supposed to be dying?” I don’t know how to approach it without popping out of the dialogue for Grannie to cough or whatever which, again, has been done. So...I’m not helping.
The phrase “tears of sadness” is usually going to feel unnecessary. I get what you’re going for, but I’d set that up in a single line - “they were tears of both sadness and anger; sadness at x, but also anger at y...” but, you know, better.
It’s a sweet little story but wasn’t for me. It would be interesting to hear what happens to Cookie now, though.
6. Aguila - Locket
Look at the number of adjectives you use. The prose comes off as stilted because every noun is getting modified two or three times. “They passed clean, orderly, award-winning gardens” - An award-winning garden will presumably be clean and orderly. The first part of this is way overwritten. Some things need to be described in detail (e.g. the dress) to paint a particular scene, but some of the detail seemed excessive in a short piece like this.
This feels like a chapter from a larger work, rather than a short story. As a self-contained work, I’m not sure what the point is, if any, other than to tell a nice story. I was waiting for a big reveal when she gave the locket back, and...nothing?! Was it cut? I expected someone to turn into something else.
It’s written with a great deal of skill. Even the make-out scene is handled well, which is beyond anything I can pull off. I was just waiting for a payoff that never came!
7. Aaron - The Lord High Executioner's Lament (An Opera)
I struggle with this one. I really like the overall “feel” - it’s very much like an adapted fairy tale or folk tale. The rhymes are playful and unexpected. You have to love the executioner’s trick and the final reveal.
Despite all that, this annoyed the crap out of me to read. Maybe this is me being stupid and not knowing anything about opera (I asked my composer friend if this is just me being an idiot and not knowing the conventions of the form. I guess if you sing the whole thing, it’s an opera. Simple as that); maybe this works as lyrics set to music. But, as written, the rhythm is all over the place, and it’s totally off-putting. I can’t hear the music in your head (or can I...?) so I can’t make it work!
You have lines like
“The axe is heavy, lord, when wielded every hour. I
ask only for assistants. It is within your power!” (syllables: 12/13 (ev-ry/ev-er-y), 15)
which totally works for me, and I pick up the cadence in my head. But then there are passages like
“Working day and night, I have ended all your
enemies. Now I come before you to plead for your clemency. Do
not think me soft, but I need the week off!” (syllables: 14, 13, 5, 6)
The first two lines tend to be a long pair, but the next pair break the rhythm. I’d think that was a deliberate choice, but it’s not totally consistent throughout.
And a line like
“King: This guy must die!”
Is going to be Don King/Roadblock from GI Joe in my head. I imagine the choices are very deliberate here, but unless you play me the music, I just cannot get this to read in my head. It totally pisses me off, because when I did find the cadence, I was totally digging it and smiling at the rhymes.
8. John Dunbar - People With Music in their Lives
It’s a tad on the nose, innit? I smiled, but I have a lot of sympathy for a story about a conspiracy to keep our pop culture completely mediocre. Recast the judges as forces of truth and beauty and you’ll sell a zillion more copies of this thing, though.
9. Mike M - Ecomotors
You and John Dunbar make a good pair here with your slightly more...er...pointed takes on contemporary topics. This was a lot of fun to read.
“Another moth drawn to the flames of wisdom” got me. That was just a nice move from the opening into the tone for the rest of the piece.
“Immaculate and shining, they were a beacon of enlightenment in a sea of unending ignorance, the only dealer on auto row with the presence of mind to look forward to the future” needs a “he was” or something, or else the cars, collectively, are somehow the dealer.
1. Mikeroth - A Diet of Rhythm
I loved the languorous mood you created in the first part of the story. I really identify with that feeling of being trapped in your own head, of pulling your world inward. The emphasis on details like the mud on your feet collapses the world down so nicely.
A few specific lines:
“The juxtaposition of the lively concerts just down the hill and the quiet gym made for a surreal effect on the night” - I think this is a good example of show, don’t tell. The contrast was already there. Trust the reader to get that feeling.
“It seemed as if all the attendees along with myself had suddenly materialized there and had somehow been cut off from the rest of the planet to fend for ourselves, only I was the sole outcast, quiet and confused, not really having any idea what I was doing or why I was there, while all the others began to band together.” - I really like this passage. I’d cut “along with myself,” full stop between “ourselves, only I”?
“The water was overwhelming, so vast and expansive.” Vast and expansive?
“I tapped along quietly before noticing a barefoot young girl enter through the doors at the far end of the gym, maybe two or three years older than myself.” This struck me as very odd. I would never call someone older than myself young, even if we both were young.
“All of the light particles in the gym vanished but the ones that reached her feet and she began to spin a glowing ball of yarn that the greatest poets on Earth could only dream of using to weave their lyrical quilts together.” You lost me here. Honestly, this is where I fail as a writer. It is so damn hard to describe these kind of feelings. I like the contrast you’re going for - the first part of the story is more matter of fact, more direct. Then, in the end , you try to spin off to these wild metaphorical heights. It just did not succeed for me.
“The credits rolled and I was happily buried.” Nice ending!
2. Toddhunter - The Love Letter
I think this suffers from a lack of direction. Is it a parody of sci-fi/police procedurals? Is it supposed to be read as straight noir/hardboiled fiction? Is it a send up of the subject matter or is it trying to say something profound? It seems to start as one thing, then end as another.
Three ”fucks” in the first two sentences? Much as my own speech is filled with casual profanity, it often rings false to me in written dialogue. It’s really off-putting here, although it seems to fit better in the rest of the story.
“World weary pair” - once again, show, don’t tell. The dialogue makes this clear. Saying it directly feels like a shortcut for writers without the skill to bring it out. You see this in bad writing all the time. You have the skill to make it clear - trust yourself, and trust your readers.
You use the word “rickety” to describe both the car and the android’s cage, and it was jarring both times. That could just be me.
“whilst the song it blared...,” “whilst also” - I know whilst is more of a UK thing, but it always sounds pretentious to my ears. Why not use while? I guess there is a subtle distinction that you can make use of, but I rarely see it employed for effect. “Whilst also” is a strange construction, too. Ditch the extra “also.”
“You couldn’t have missed her sitting there in one of the many red leather booths. She was a stunning girl, long blonde hair, perky breasts and the kind of eyes that a guy could lose himself in to quickly end up going mad.” - why have we slipped into noir? There’s a disconnect in tone from the rest of the story. The girls having a tail struck me as a completely unnecessary detail, too.
I really like the ending, but it doesn’t fit the rest of the story. Here, I’m left scratching my head. It makes me think that there has been some bigger message here, but it honestly feels more like an exercise in aping a particular style. Me being too dumb to pick it up is also a very real possibility.
3. ThLunarian - Mirrored
I love the core of the story - being trapped in this strange double life and this question of how aware each side is of the doubling.
“What am I doing here?” - I love the opening. You’ve got the tone down from the first line.
Is there a reason they are dancing to Lady GaGa? I don’t know her music to know if the song choice means something here. Unless the song title is super meaningful (and “Bad Romance” is a suggestive title, but does it really tell us more about the Will/Bill-Olivia relationship than we already know?), we’ll need some lyrics to know what you’re talking about. Unless it really, really matters, I’d ditch it and let your story exist in some indeterminate time and place.
I was a bit confused by the setting. You call it both a ballroom and a dance studio. Unless this is Versailles, the ballroom presumably will not have a big wall of mirrors, like a dance studio. But I don’t think of performing for a crowd in a dance studio, so I couldn’t decide which one it was.
Nitpicks aside, I enjoyed this a lot, and really liked the ending (have I said that in every critique? I don’t always like how things end, I promise). It’s all the better for fitting into about half the word limit.
4. Bagels - Spinner
Bagels, that was shit.
5. Nezumi - Lift Up
This all felt too clichéd to me. Grannie imparting some deathbed wisdom, elevator as metaphor, music as heaven/communication from beyond this world.
I’d like that last one if it were developed a bit more here. It just did not feel genuine to me.
This could be entirely my hangup, so take it for what it’s worth, but I found this jarring as a deathbed scene. Granny is “frail,” and “weak,” and then she just kind of launches into this long soliloquy. I honestly thought, “Isn’t Grannie supposed to be dying?” I don’t know how to approach it without popping out of the dialogue for Grannie to cough or whatever which, again, has been done. So...I’m not helping.
The phrase “tears of sadness” is usually going to feel unnecessary. I get what you’re going for, but I’d set that up in a single line - “they were tears of both sadness and anger; sadness at x, but also anger at y...” but, you know, better.
It’s a sweet little story but wasn’t for me. It would be interesting to hear what happens to Cookie now, though.
6. Aguila - Locket
Look at the number of adjectives you use. The prose comes off as stilted because every noun is getting modified two or three times. “They passed clean, orderly, award-winning gardens” - An award-winning garden will presumably be clean and orderly. The first part of this is way overwritten. Some things need to be described in detail (e.g. the dress) to paint a particular scene, but some of the detail seemed excessive in a short piece like this.
This feels like a chapter from a larger work, rather than a short story. As a self-contained work, I’m not sure what the point is, if any, other than to tell a nice story. I was waiting for a big reveal when she gave the locket back, and...nothing?! Was it cut? I expected someone to turn into something else.
It’s written with a great deal of skill. Even the make-out scene is handled well, which is beyond anything I can pull off. I was just waiting for a payoff that never came!
7. Aaron - The Lord High Executioner's Lament (An Opera)
I struggle with this one. I really like the overall “feel” - it’s very much like an adapted fairy tale or folk tale. The rhymes are playful and unexpected. You have to love the executioner’s trick and the final reveal.
Despite all that, this annoyed the crap out of me to read. Maybe this is me being stupid and not knowing anything about opera (I asked my composer friend if this is just me being an idiot and not knowing the conventions of the form. I guess if you sing the whole thing, it’s an opera. Simple as that); maybe this works as lyrics set to music. But, as written, the rhythm is all over the place, and it’s totally off-putting. I can’t hear the music in your head (or can I...?
) so I can’t make it work!You have lines like
“The axe is heavy, lord, when wielded every hour. I
ask only for assistants. It is within your power!” (syllables: 12/13 (ev-ry/ev-er-y), 15)
which totally works for me, and I pick up the cadence in my head. But then there are passages like
“Working day and night, I have ended all your
enemies. Now I come before you to plead for your clemency. Do
not think me soft, but I need the week off!” (syllables: 14, 13, 5, 6)
The first two lines tend to be a long pair, but the next pair break the rhythm. I’d think that was a deliberate choice, but it’s not totally consistent throughout.
And a line like
“King: This guy must die!”
Is going to be Don King/Roadblock from GI Joe in my head. I imagine the choices are very deliberate here, but unless you play me the music, I just cannot get this to read in my head. It totally pisses me off, because when I did find the cadence, I was totally digging it and smiling at the rhymes.
8. John Dunbar - People With Music in their Lives
It’s a tad on the nose, innit? I smiled, but I have a lot of sympathy for a story about a conspiracy to keep our pop culture completely mediocre. Recast the judges as forces of truth and beauty and you’ll sell a zillion more copies of this thing, though.
9. Mike M - Ecomotors
You and John Dunbar make a good pair here with your slightly more...er...pointed takes on contemporary topics. This was a lot of fun to read.
“Another moth drawn to the flames of wisdom” got me. That was just a nice move from the opening into the tone for the rest of the piece.
“Immaculate and shining, they were a beacon of enlightenment in a sea of unending ignorance, the only dealer on auto row with the presence of mind to look forward to the future” needs a “he was” or something, or else the cars, collectively, are somehow the dealer.
I want to say that man this was a strong batch of stories, and the hardest time I've had to vote. The ones I finally gave the votes to are based on my personal tastes, since judging by quality the list would have to be much longer.
Votes:
1- Mike M
2- hey_monkey
3- DumbNameD
Comments:
mikeroth - You have a nice moment at the end, but the story doesn't build to it because there are too many details. The ones that matter are lost in the noise.
toddhunter - While you throw in a load of different elements and sort of make them work, trimming a few back would have made it a solid story. The swearing especially seemed out of place.
ThLunarian - Am I missing something or is this unfinished? It's a solid start, though you could have withheld the mind swapping a little to make it more mysterious.
Bagels - While this is a fantastic story, it teases too much by consistently being vague. It would have been better if there were little hints that developed into more concrete details that would flesh it out more instead of remaining mostly vague. As a personal story, it ends up just a little too personal for an outside reader.
Nezumi - It's a somber and sweet story, though the beginning is a bit awkward and overburdened by exposition, while I wanted a little more from the ending.
Aguila - While it's a nice story, I don't understand the significance she places on the locket. Also the shift in perspective at the beginning is a little confusing.
John Dunbar - I feel like I'm missing something obvious here. Probably because I'm tone deaf to pop culture. Blood and savagery would be fine if it grounded me in what was going on. Instead it's a nice build up to a conversation too vague for me to know what's going on.
Mike M - What I particularly like about this story is the twist comes at exactly the right moment to give it enough build, but without feeling like you were dragging it out. Then you expand on it by raising the stakes without stretching that out either, while the stinger on the end is icing.
Tangent - The beginning takes a while to get started and the end is a bit abrupt, but most of the story grabbed me and kept me reading. The end is very telegraphed but I didn't mind it from all the details you include to give this mad island a sense of reality.
hey_monkey - It's a well written and bittersweet slice of life story that leaves me wanting just a little more of the characters involved. It's over too soon. I wanted it to linger a little longer.
Pau - It has a pleasant build up with this young boy's problems, and then hits an odd swerve with the suggestion of gender surgery, and then just ends. I feel like the surgery thing needs to be addressed, as well as the consequences of him joining with the song at the end.
Cyan - It's subtle and the judging people by how they move is great, but I don't know enough about the character for his introspection to work. Also main character being creepy or not, the boyfriend comes off as just an asshole. You would have to temper him some for that introspection to work.
ZeroRay - It's right on the cusp of coming together. It's like a man without bones. Lack of a support structure makes it flop around a bit. First person POV would probably help.
DumbNameD - It took me a little to catch on. There's something oddly rough about your writing this time out when you're usually smooth. The images though and the sense of movement are pretty amazing. I had no trouble picturing each movement of the story as it went on. It builds to a crescendo and ends softly just like it should.
Votes:
1- Mike M
2- hey_monkey
3- DumbNameD
Comments:
mikeroth - You have a nice moment at the end, but the story doesn't build to it because there are too many details. The ones that matter are lost in the noise.
toddhunter - While you throw in a load of different elements and sort of make them work, trimming a few back would have made it a solid story. The swearing especially seemed out of place.
ThLunarian - Am I missing something or is this unfinished? It's a solid start, though you could have withheld the mind swapping a little to make it more mysterious.
Bagels - While this is a fantastic story, it teases too much by consistently being vague. It would have been better if there were little hints that developed into more concrete details that would flesh it out more instead of remaining mostly vague. As a personal story, it ends up just a little too personal for an outside reader.
Nezumi - It's a somber and sweet story, though the beginning is a bit awkward and overburdened by exposition, while I wanted a little more from the ending.
Aguila - While it's a nice story, I don't understand the significance she places on the locket. Also the shift in perspective at the beginning is a little confusing.
John Dunbar - I feel like I'm missing something obvious here. Probably because I'm tone deaf to pop culture. Blood and savagery would be fine if it grounded me in what was going on. Instead it's a nice build up to a conversation too vague for me to know what's going on.
Mike M - What I particularly like about this story is the twist comes at exactly the right moment to give it enough build, but without feeling like you were dragging it out. Then you expand on it by raising the stakes without stretching that out either, while the stinger on the end is icing.
Tangent - The beginning takes a while to get started and the end is a bit abrupt, but most of the story grabbed me and kept me reading. The end is very telegraphed but I didn't mind it from all the details you include to give this mad island a sense of reality.
hey_monkey - It's a well written and bittersweet slice of life story that leaves me wanting just a little more of the characters involved. It's over too soon. I wanted it to linger a little longer.
Pau - It has a pleasant build up with this young boy's problems, and then hits an odd swerve with the suggestion of gender surgery, and then just ends. I feel like the surgery thing needs to be addressed, as well as the consequences of him joining with the song at the end.
Cyan - It's subtle and the judging people by how they move is great, but I don't know enough about the character for his introspection to work. Also main character being creepy or not, the boyfriend comes off as just an asshole. You would have to temper him some for that introspection to work.
ZeroRay - It's right on the cusp of coming together. It's like a man without bones. Lack of a support structure makes it flop around a bit. First person POV would probably help.
DumbNameD - It took me a little to catch on. There's something oddly rough about your writing this time out when you're usually smooth. The images though and the sense of movement are pretty amazing. I had no trouble picturing each movement of the story as it went on. It builds to a crescendo and ends softly just like it should.
toddhunter
Member
Apologies for the lack of feedback this time.
1. Mike M
2. Nezumi
3. hey_monkey
HM. Cyan
For my story,
1. Mike M
2. Nezumi
3. hey_monkey
HM. Cyan
For my story,
it was an attempt to meld the styles and eccentricities of a lot of the frequent contributors to the writing challenges. Seems I didn't pull it off, but it was fun to write and I hope at least somebody spotted themselves.
It would be really interesting if you would elaborate on this. Would love to read that story again, with knowing this in the back of my head.
Yeah, you don't get to drop something like that without spilling the beans!
toddhunter
Member
The negative feedback exposes the grand flaw in my plan. I'll just say the bad bits are me and all the good bits are somebody else
OK, will try to give some comments tomorrow but in case I don't manage here are my votes:
1.) Aaron
2.) Pau
3.) Tangent
hm: Mike M, John Dunbar
Nooo! You're such a tease. Well at least tell me if you even used something from me, so I can look and see if I can find it and what it might possibly be...
1.) Aaron
2.) Pau
3.) Tangent
hm: Mike M, John Dunbar
The negative feedback exposes the grand flaw in my plan. I'll just say the bad bits are me and all the good bits are somebody else
Nooo! You're such a tease. Well at least tell me if you even used something from me, so I can look and see if I can find it and what it might possibly be...
SquiddyCracker
Banned
I enjoyed Todds story, so do try that technique in the future.
Maybe one day I will be able to properly contribute with feedback (to everybody), but today is not the day lol
1. TheLunarian
Though it doesn't look complete, I was totally engrossed in the story, the descriptions were great, and I thought the pacing was good (for a beginning chapter/prologue).
2. Aaron
I loved the act structure and rhyming scheme. The Executioner's struggle to change death weapons was an interesting dilemma.
3. Mike M
The setting was very interesting and the story itself was fun to read. The ending wasn't as surprising as I thought it was going to be, though it was kind of funny.
On my story:
1. TheLunarian
Though it doesn't look complete, I was totally engrossed in the story, the descriptions were great, and I thought the pacing was good (for a beginning chapter/prologue).
2. Aaron
I loved the act structure and rhyming scheme. The Executioner's struggle to change death weapons was an interesting dilemma.
3. Mike M
The setting was very interesting and the story itself was fun to read. The ending wasn't as surprising as I thought it was going to be, though it was kind of funny.
On my story:
Locket is supposed to be about an ordinary high school dance which is probably not an exciting topic to write about, but I wanted to focus on the character of Joanna more than the setting. I created her thinking of a girl who is struggling with her id and supergo. The locket and her grandmother are what keep her id in check. She clearly wants to break out and do bad things but the locket holds her back. Though, she tries to "lock" the thought of her grandmother away when the locket is touched/mentioned, in the end, she decides to act right. At the end she enters her house and "locks" the door from the outside, this time representing the separation of id from supergo.
Work is slow REALLY so I decided to check up on here.
Bagels, thank you for such lengthy criticism. It is very appreciated.
As for the first line you pointed out, You're probably right. I was trying to keep that idea in my head throughout and by the time I was done I felt like I did an alright job seeing as how this is honestly my first real attempt at writing something that isn't just bizarre, imagery-based poetry. But that specific line I just had to throw in there because of the word juxtaposition. I finally found a place to use that word correctly and I had to take it. That word has confused me since I first heard it. I just had to use it.
That second line you pointed out was a bit of a headache. I revised it several times but never really felt completely happy with it. I knew what I was trying to say but didn't know how exactly to get it on paper and that was the closest I could get. I just really wanted to emphasize how little I wanted to be there and how often I feel like I really don't want to be anywhere because I feel like an outcast. <I can't even figure out how to word it when I 'm not writing a story.
Vast and expansive... Ehhh yeah I didn't think about that one till you pointed it out. Now it sounds really bad.
Hahaha, you're pointing out every single line that gave me trouble. The one about the girl being young but also being older than me I feel was necessary. I don't think I could have done that one differently. I wanted to point out that she wasn't some weird old hippie chick with wrinkled skin who'd done to much acid. She was young and beautiful. I also wanted to point out that she was older than me (I was 19 at the time), or at least I assumed she was, and that in some way or another that made me look up to her and feel like she had more worldly wisdom than I and knew something about life that I didn't because she appeared to live freely. I knew it would sound weird. I just couldn't find any other way.
Yeah, about that that frilly stuff at the end... I wanted this entire story to kind of reflect what my entire life feels like most of the time. It's this constant numb where I'm just floating along just kind of existing and then there will be these unexpected moments of bliss where everything has meaning and I get all teared up because it's all so beautiful. Serendipity I guess. I don't know if I made that clear, but that moment with the girl was the entire basis of the story. If that hadn't have happened, that entire weekend would have been infinitely less meaningful. I was levitating when she started to dance. Do you know what I mean? That feeling where you really aren't sure if the laws of physics apply to you for a moment but you are too overwhelmed with awe to move. I think I had to get a little crazy there at the end. Because if an outsider saw that moment it wouldn't have seemed like anything. It was all happening inside me. And how do you put that into words without sounding over-the-top? I don't think there is really a way to describe that feeling simply because it's not tangible and it's constantly changing and blooming so fast that you really can't examine it closely. I hope that makes sense. For that line specifically though I was trying to convey the idea that while she was spinning and dancing, her clothes were... flowing about, like long ribbons coming off of her. Or yarn... And in my head she seemed to be glowing all this life that I referred to as a sort of light. So I was trying to say that those moments are what good writers try to write about and was saying that she was spinning the yarn of life (light) and that no one else would experience her doing it but me so the greatest writers could only dream of experiencing it because... oh fuck. It's hard to explain. Sorry if it was too much.
Thank you so much for the criticism though. Sorry for such a long response also.
ThLunarian
Member
No time for critiques. Votes:
1. hey_monkey
2. Mike M
3. Cyan
My story was really half-assed and I probably shouldn't have submitted it. It's actually an upcoming scene in a novel I'm writing, but I haven't gotten to that scene in the novel yet and only had it in my head until this challenge got posted. That's why it's stupidly incomplete. I also just kind of vomited it onto the page in like 10 minutes so it's pretty unpolished.
To answer the question about dance studio vs ballroom: in ballroom dance places like Arthur Murray, the terms are interchangeable (I used to work at one). You wouldn't know that that's where it was happening though because I did a poor job establishing the setting.
Thanks for the feedback, guys.
1. hey_monkey
2. Mike M
3. Cyan
My story was really half-assed and I probably shouldn't have submitted it. It's actually an upcoming scene in a novel I'm writing, but I haven't gotten to that scene in the novel yet and only had it in my head until this challenge got posted. That's why it's stupidly incomplete. I also just kind of vomited it onto the page in like 10 minutes so it's pretty unpolished.
To answer the question about dance studio vs ballroom: in ballroom dance places like Arthur Murray, the terms are interchangeable (I used to work at one). You wouldn't know that that's where it was happening though because I did a poor job establishing the setting.
Thanks for the feedback, guys.
hey_monkey
Banned
1. Bagels
2. Aaron
3. Cyan
HM: Mike M
Entries felt really different to me this time around and I enjoyed this go-round a lot! Not that I don't usually, it was just a nice shift, I felt. I'd hoped to get comments in, but doesn't look like it's going to happen. :/
2. Aaron
3. Cyan
HM: Mike M
Entries felt really different to me this time around and I enjoyed this go-round a lot! Not that I don't usually, it was just a nice shift, I felt. I'd hoped to get comments in, but doesn't look like it's going to happen. :/
Still doing some stuff for work, will post as soon as I can, maybe in 2 or 3 hrs or so...
Hey thanks all for the valuable feedback once again. I think the idea I had in mind didn't come out. I wanted to speak a bit to a mystery between faith and reality a bit but I don't think that came out. I see how it'd be unlikely that the islanders were always happy rather than petrified with fear. And apologies for using a different island name by accident! I meant to say "Rokeh" throughout. I didn't realize I used another name. But when I said "kapok," I was referring to the type of tree. (They're awesome!) I see how the bat came out of left field. I just wanted to refer to something that would cause unconsciousness, so as to refer to the myth of things turning to black, before the narrator was swept safely to Australia. Interesting about the reference to that movie... I'll have to check it out, where everyone had to be happy because the alternative provided horrible consequences.
Here are some crits, but apologies... I didn't read all the entries so I can't vote.
A Diet of Rhythm: I like how the pace picked up in the second half and how you described the main character lying back and looking up at the ceiling. The whole story was fun to read but it felt more like a journal entry. Parts of it felt difficult to read in that it was hard to know the plot's direction. I liked how easy it was to visualize this story. And awesome that this was a true story!!!
The Lord High Executioner's Lament (An Opera): Omg. This was !#@$@#%ing amazing. It's stuff like this that makes me wonder why I even bother writing so I can just leave it to the pros... like you! How long did you spend on this? I savored each word and enjoyed every minute of it. I loved the characters, the style, the rhythm, the humor, the writing, and the whole concept. Quit your day job and go into screenwriting already, and don't forget us!
Perambulation: Great title! This was super fun to read. I find that most of your stories are very plot-driven and I get hooked and they're awesome, but sometimes I have difficulty relating to the characters. This time, it was fun to read about the character. I practically felt like I could picture him. (And at times pictured something from 'Back to the Future!') I also liked how you really varied your sentence styles and length. That doesn't seem like a big deal but it really added a lot to the flow, in a good way. The one thing is that I felt like the MC was overly thoughtful about what could be considered a more lucid revelation. But I guess if you're in the midst of that, it can take a long time to see! But I really liked the pace, the flow, and how visual your story was. I wonder if "song and dance" evokes a lot of visual writing.
Ecomotors: This was a fun read and it vaguely reminded me of "A Modest Proposal." I like hilarious commentary that make fun of faux conscientious progressives, even though it's unsettling! I liked how you described the characters, so well chosen and easy to visualize. The ending was fantastic.
I REALLY REALLY wish I had read the others. I was looking forward to it and it's always a treat.
Hey thanks all for the valuable feedback once again. I think the idea I had in mind didn't come out. I wanted to speak a bit to a mystery between faith and reality a bit but I don't think that came out. I see how it'd be unlikely that the islanders were always happy rather than petrified with fear. And apologies for using a different island name by accident! I meant to say "Rokeh" throughout. I didn't realize I used another name. But when I said "kapok," I was referring to the type of tree. (They're awesome!) I see how the bat came out of left field. I just wanted to refer to something that would cause unconsciousness, so as to refer to the myth of things turning to black, before the narrator was swept safely to Australia. Interesting about the reference to that movie... I'll have to check it out, where everyone had to be happy because the alternative provided horrible consequences.
Here are some crits, but apologies... I didn't read all the entries so I can't vote.
A Diet of Rhythm: I like how the pace picked up in the second half and how you described the main character lying back and looking up at the ceiling. The whole story was fun to read but it felt more like a journal entry. Parts of it felt difficult to read in that it was hard to know the plot's direction. I liked how easy it was to visualize this story. And awesome that this was a true story!!!
The Lord High Executioner's Lament (An Opera): Omg. This was !#@$@#%ing amazing. It's stuff like this that makes me wonder why I even bother writing so I can just leave it to the pros... like you! How long did you spend on this? I savored each word and enjoyed every minute of it. I loved the characters, the style, the rhythm, the humor, the writing, and the whole concept. Quit your day job and go into screenwriting already, and don't forget us!
Perambulation: Great title! This was super fun to read. I find that most of your stories are very plot-driven and I get hooked and they're awesome, but sometimes I have difficulty relating to the characters. This time, it was fun to read about the character. I practically felt like I could picture him. (And at times pictured something from 'Back to the Future!') I also liked how you really varied your sentence styles and length. That doesn't seem like a big deal but it really added a lot to the flow, in a good way. The one thing is that I felt like the MC was overly thoughtful about what could be considered a more lucid revelation. But I guess if you're in the midst of that, it can take a long time to see! But I really liked the pace, the flow, and how visual your story was. I wonder if "song and dance" evokes a lot of visual writing.
Ecomotors: This was a fun read and it vaguely reminded me of "A Modest Proposal." I like hilarious commentary that make fun of faux conscientious progressives, even though it's unsettling! I liked how you described the characters, so well chosen and easy to visualize. The ending was fantastic.
I REALLY REALLY wish I had read the others. I was looking forward to it and it's always a treat.
Haha that was my reaction too.
As I learned in art school, the highest form of praise someone can give you is saying things like this.^Yes, indeed.
1. bagels
2. hey_monkey
3. Mike M
HM: Cyan
Thanks for the feedback everyone. This is what I wrote after 3 or 4 false starts 30 mins before the deadline in order to save my mortal soul. Gonna start writing the moment the next thread is open so announce a winner already.
1. bagels
2. hey_monkey
3. Mike M
HM: Cyan
Thanks for the feedback everyone. This is what I wrote after 3 or 4 false starts 30 mins before the deadline in order to save my mortal soul. Gonna start writing the moment the next thread is open so announce a winner already.
hey_monkey
Banned
All votes matter!
Here are the votes:
hey_monkey -- 19 (4)
Bagels -- 12 (2)
Mike M -- 10 (2)
Aaron -- 9 (1)
Cyan -- 5 (1)
Pau -- 4
TheLunarian -- 3 (1)
Nezumi -- 2
DumbNameD -- 1
Tangent -- 1
Congrats to hey_monkey. It was pretty neck and neck at the start, but her emotionally manipulative small town tale pulled away in the final stretch.
hey_monkey -- 19 (4)
Bagels -- 12 (2)
Mike M -- 10 (2)
Aaron -- 9 (1)
Cyan -- 5 (1)
Pau -- 4
TheLunarian -- 3 (1)
Nezumi -- 2
DumbNameD -- 1
Tangent -- 1
Congrats to hey_monkey. It was pretty neck and neck at the start, but her emotionally manipulative small town tale pulled away in the final stretch.
[Congrats, hey_monkey! You deserve it! Amazing piece!]
10. Tangent - First Hand Account of the Mysterious Events That Occurred on Rokeh Island
You did a excellent job with the creation myth - it’s tough to come up with something that feels authentic.
This made me think of a conversation I just had with some folks from the mental health thread - about how people use social media to display this carefully crafted best version of themselves. You see them whistling and skipping and you wonder why you don’t feel like that, why you can’t do it. But there’s a certain menace beneath the surface. It’s quite literal in your story, but there’s the same sense that if these people stopped and examined their lives, the whole thing would come crashing down.
But then the bat came along and I thought, “did I misread the whole thing?” I do not understand the ending.
Really well written, but it feels cramped in 1500 words. And what the crap is that bat doing there?!
11. hey_monkey Shitty’s Bait Shop
“Only Shitty’s has everything in one convenient, shitty spot.“ Haha!
Absolutely nothing to add. That was fantastic.
12. Pau - A Harmony in the Mountain Air
Interesting to have been talking to you and reflect on the threads you were in while this was being written. A really nice reflection on some current topics of discussion on the forum. I like the rejection of the choice the dancer presents.
“If such foreign treasures existed elsewhere, maybe foreign thoughts did as well“ - I loved that!
13. Cyan - Perambulation
The focus on people’s feet and gait gives this an extra dance feel. And instead of telling us that the main character is walking with his head down, we naturally pick up on it.
I really loved the final conversation with the smooth-gaited man.
A fantastic effort. Every detail feels significant. Like
“A new song starts, the dancers gyrate, the party moves on. I clamber slowly to my feet with the help of a table leg.”
and later
“The smile disappears altogether. "Well excuse me for trying to help a fellow out. Thought you might appreciate some advice, and maybe a hand, was all.”
It’s significant that the smooth-gaited man appears the first time only after the main character has pulled himself back up. One of a score of nice touches throughout.
14. ZeroRay - Dramatization for a Film
Skillfully written, but I’m not sure there’s any there, there. Another piece that seems like a fragment of a larger work, rather than a self-contained whole.
15. DumbNameD - Click
Nice change-up right off the bat. It’s literally a towel!
I really enjoyed this! There is a wonderful sense of motion - I was listening to music while I read this and I was hyperaware of my need to tap my foot or bob my head. It gave me a wonderful sense of being part of the story.
This would actually make a killer music video - and I by no means mean that dismissively. It just has this perfectly darkly comic tone - death by disco dancing?!
A Note
This was my first time reading one of these threads and, man, was it a good time! I took something from every piece I read. There is a crazy amount of talent on display here. And, if nothing else, reading 14 other pieces, I feel inspired to write even more.
My professional writing has all been for the sciences, and I’ve written exclusively nonfiction - for school, fun, and work - for well over a decade. I honestly didn’t think I could do fiction. Then, because of a suggestion that I try out this competition, and some support and encouragement from GAF friends, I ended up producing 2 finished pieces (you can read my other piece, “I Wished I was The Moon,” a reflection on death, suicide, and depression, here), both of which I’m very happy with. I’m hypercritical of everything I do, but especially my writing. It was a very hard week, and writing these things really helped me to work through what I was feeling.
This was just a wonderful experience. I’m so happy that people seemed to like “Spinner.” I actually liked it, which is more than I could have hoped for. But then the person I wrote it about loved it, too, which actually kinda fucked the whole thing up, because it helped us close some of the distance that is so key to the story. On top of that, for other people to find meaning in my story - I’m ecstatic.
Again! Let’s do it again!
10. Tangent - First Hand Account of the Mysterious Events That Occurred on Rokeh Island
You did a excellent job with the creation myth - it’s tough to come up with something that feels authentic.
This made me think of a conversation I just had with some folks from the mental health thread - about how people use social media to display this carefully crafted best version of themselves. You see them whistling and skipping and you wonder why you don’t feel like that, why you can’t do it. But there’s a certain menace beneath the surface. It’s quite literal in your story, but there’s the same sense that if these people stopped and examined their lives, the whole thing would come crashing down.
But then the bat came along and I thought, “did I misread the whole thing?” I do not understand the ending.
Really well written, but it feels cramped in 1500 words. And what the crap is that bat doing there?!
11. hey_monkey Shitty’s Bait Shop
“Only Shitty’s has everything in one convenient, shitty spot.“ Haha!
Absolutely nothing to add. That was fantastic.
12. Pau - A Harmony in the Mountain Air
Interesting to have been talking to you and reflect on the threads you were in while this was being written. A really nice reflection on some current topics of discussion on the forum. I like the rejection of the choice the dancer presents.
“If such foreign treasures existed elsewhere, maybe foreign thoughts did as well“ - I loved that!
13. Cyan - Perambulation
The focus on people’s feet and gait gives this an extra dance feel. And instead of telling us that the main character is walking with his head down, we naturally pick up on it.
I really loved the final conversation with the smooth-gaited man.
A fantastic effort. Every detail feels significant. Like
“A new song starts, the dancers gyrate, the party moves on. I clamber slowly to my feet with the help of a table leg.”
and later
“The smile disappears altogether. "Well excuse me for trying to help a fellow out. Thought you might appreciate some advice, and maybe a hand, was all.”
It’s significant that the smooth-gaited man appears the first time only after the main character has pulled himself back up. One of a score of nice touches throughout.
14. ZeroRay - Dramatization for a Film
Skillfully written, but I’m not sure there’s any there, there. Another piece that seems like a fragment of a larger work, rather than a self-contained whole.
15. DumbNameD - Click
Nice change-up right off the bat. It’s literally a towel!
I really enjoyed this! There is a wonderful sense of motion - I was listening to music while I read this and I was hyperaware of my need to tap my foot or bob my head. It gave me a wonderful sense of being part of the story.
This would actually make a killer music video - and I by no means mean that dismissively. It just has this perfectly darkly comic tone - death by disco dancing?!
A Note
This was my first time reading one of these threads and, man, was it a good time! I took something from every piece I read. There is a crazy amount of talent on display here. And, if nothing else, reading 14 other pieces, I feel inspired to write even more.
My professional writing has all been for the sciences, and I’ve written exclusively nonfiction - for school, fun, and work - for well over a decade. I honestly didn’t think I could do fiction. Then, because of a suggestion that I try out this competition, and some support and encouragement from GAF friends, I ended up producing 2 finished pieces (you can read my other piece, “I Wished I was The Moon,” a reflection on death, suicide, and depression, here), both of which I’m very happy with. I’m hypercritical of everything I do, but especially my writing. It was a very hard week, and writing these things really helped me to work through what I was feeling.
This was just a wonderful experience. I’m so happy that people seemed to like “Spinner.” I actually liked it, which is more than I could have hoped for. But then the person I wrote it about loved it, too, which actually kinda fucked the whole thing up, because it helped us close some of the distance that is so key to the story. On top of that, for other people to find meaning in my story - I’m ecstatic.
Again! Let’s do it again!
- Status