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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #135 - "Cryptic"

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K

kehs

Banned
Cryptic - A Night to Remember

---------

My vision blurred, my head heavy, the last thing I can see is her pulling it out of my rock hard
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Whoops. Wrong thread.

edit: I suppose, to make better use of this post, I'll talk about my story. I wanted to write something I've been meaning to write for a while. But it's difficult. I want to write it for my self as much as anything. Write it accurately. All I see are the little things. But I wonder whether it fails on a holistic level. At such times, I wish I were a better author. Alas, I have to do with what little talent I'm graced with. It's a dam shame.
 
F

FillerB

Member
Thought about having the second part of a story encoded with hints dropped in the first part to how to get to it. Felt to gimmick-y. Maybe next time.
 
N

Nezumi

Member
GRW810 said:
Sounds like you're going through the same thing I did with my idea. Hope you have better luck!
Click to expand...

Sadly no. I tried the whole evening but after starting and discarding four different ideas I'm giving up. Which doesn't help with my overall level of frustration at all.
 
K

Kevtones

Member
18

Lately I’ve been eating lots of burritos. Mostly of the dollar sort; some breakfast, usually processed. I’m not really a connoisseur, although I do notice things such as certain spices and/or ingredients that give a difference in flavor.

That said, I don’t really care, and I’m nearly certain I’d rather eat a burrito that tasted like the burrito I had in mind more than anything else. However, I’m not sure I’ve really pictured that burrito but rather the ingredients. But then I think of the ingredients directly and all I picture are their colors. They look like greasy paste, shiny shit with sweat - but also, somehow, delectable without so much as a bite.

I guess my question to burritos everywhere is what defines your perfection? Is it a goal to become burrito models being shoved down the runway at Taco Bell, or are you all striving to exist in some dug upon in a-hole-in-the-wall beyond the threshold of yelp?

Maybe the burrito perfection exceeds or misinterprets things though; and really I’m not looking for perfection. I need the flawed burrito, the one with a little much of this, a little too salty that. There are deal breakers such as structural integrity – but really, I need flavor itself. Salsa too.

That’s it. Every day, new day, I find a new burrito and find myself looking for the next. I need one burrito. Perfect beans, imperfect rice – the right mix.
 
T

Tangent

Member
Is it too late to submit? If not, here's my story: "Forced Into Existence" (1551 words) (ooh! a palindrome!)

I might be the last one submitting. Hmm.... if you don't mind, I'll try to figure out how to list the stories tomorrow morning. And then I'll remember that I'm supposed to be spending the rest of the weekend reading novel-length stories. *smack forehead* (No word count?! I still can't get over it! But hopefully the rich history of discipline kicked in for all. :) And btw, Cyan, I kid. I really like the prompt! Well, perhaps, other than that no-word-count bit. Hee hee.)
 
E

Elfforkusu

Member
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My apologies for the formatting. But it is how I write my rough drafts.
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=98441981&postcount=95
 
F

FillerB

Member
Elfforkusu said:
My apologies for the formatting. But it is how I write my rough drafts.
Click to expand...

Hmmm Base64 I think? Except the decoder I'm using spits out gobblygook.

EDIT: Because it has another layer of encryption (openssl with what?) given that the header contains SALTED__.
 
A

ab.aeterno

Member
Well, I managed to finish the one-page teaser, anyways. It came out nothing like I hoped. I just can't seem to describe the scene I see in my mind, nor convey the emotions in it.

Quote for the link.

The Third Law


I'd still appreciate any feedback on it, especially if it seems interesting enough that you'd want to read the rest of it (if it existed.)
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
Cyan said:
Bourbon Sour

Incomplete story, sorry. Included just the opening scene.
Click to expand...
Cyan said:
Unless you're planning to fail to hook the reader's attention, I'd suggest finishing it. :p
Click to expand...

46503d1340350842-custom-engraved-toilet-seat-t219721_fry_i_see_what_you_did_there.jpg
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
Okay, ten and a half hours post deadline, I think it's safe to call this thing.

Entrants:

Ourobolus -- The Village on the Plain
kaepernickehs -- A Night to Remember
Aaron -- Epicenter
Chainsawkitten -- The Scents of Life's Decay
Mike M -- Harold Ehrich Enlists the Help of Walter Geist in the Matter Regarding His Missing Property
Sober -- Curiosity Sometimes Gets Others Killed Instead
Kevtones -- 18
Ashes1396 -- echoes
Cyan -- Bourbon Sour
Tangent -- Forced Into Existence
Elfforkusu -- Untitled
 
E

Elfforkusu

Member
FillerB said:
Hmmm Base64 I think? Except the decoder I'm using spits out gobblygook.

EDIT: Because it has another layer of encryption (openssl with what?) given that the header contains SALTED__.
Click to expand...
It's base64-encoded AES128. Password is
neogaf
. I took password protecting submissions to the logical and thrilling conclusion!

Anyway, this makes decrypting it easy: http://www.everpassword.com/aes-encryptor

1) you'll have to copy and paste the decrypted text elsewhere because there's no word wrap. Welp. Sorry.
2) as per my cryptic comment above, the story is in a quasi-script form because that's how I write rough drafts. But it's short, so it shouldn't be too hard to endure.
3) like Cyan claims about his submission, mine is a snippet of a story. Specifically, my increasingly less unfinished NaNo story! I wasn't going to submit anything for this thread, actually... but I wrote about 2000 words last night, and then I had a wacky joke idea. And I always follow up on my wacky joke ideas.
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
Gonna try something different this time around, even if it means I end up writing twice as much feedback:

First Pages
Ourobolus: I’m afraid the first page didn’t hook me. Opening with Sam being moments away from death doesn’t have much impact when this is our first introduction to the character (and even then, we didn’t learn that much about him other than he apparently had victims). There’s no emotional investment, I have no reason to care that he’s about to die. Should I be caring about the nature of his crimes for which he has been condemned? Was there anything particularly interesting about these crimes, or is it just that he’s a terrible man who did terrible things? I suppose there was the possibility that he was innocent, but there was no ambiguity in the opening paragraph to make me think that was a possibility. And then after that, we’re thrown into a rather pastoral depiction of bad weather in a village that is situated on a mountain. In a story called The Village on the Plain.

kaepernickehs: Well… it certainly is cryptic…

Aaron: First page did an excellent job of catching my interest. Hints of a supernatural twist dropped early, details using the ability comes at a cost, setting up a “doing the wrong things for the right reasons” scenario. All the sort of things that tend to catch my interest in particular right out of the starting gate. After the first section, I’m kind of hoping that it goes even further than “just” being that this guy can time travel to a post-nuclear apocalyptic wasteland and and back and is attempting to change the future, as that seems like kind of a waste. Your central premise is already deep into the sci-fi end of speculative fiction, might as well go out a little further. But you might yet, I’m only on the first day here.

Chainsawkitten: On the balance, I’d say this one hooked me. The first poem is dark and morbid, but I can imagine a remote little seaside village in some bygone era where they might indulge in some cruel ritual such as this. It honestly stirs some deep-seated memory in my mind that I can’t place, but it reminds me of something out of a horror anthology I once read but can’t place. But then you get to the second poem and there’s a fucking vampire. *Sigh.* Alright, fine, I won’t hold the fact that vampires have been completely overplayed in popular fiction for years now against you. Plus your illustrations (did you do those) are suitably creepy. Especially the horribly malformed skull with the jawbone that goes so far back, it calls to mind a vampire that could open it’s mouth wide enough to swallow someone’s entire head.

Mike M: I attempted to spring my hook on the reader near the very end of the first page, banking on piquing the reader’s interest enough to keep reading as I unspooled more line from that point on. Did it work? Idunno. I didn’t hate it, and I’m usually completely disatisfied with everything I write.

Sober: Doctor Demise seems kind of a soft touch for a supervillain. Leading into his dialogue with him boasting about another diabolical plot would imply that in the past he’s either gotten what he wanted (in which case, you’d think he’d have moved beyond it being necessary for doing diabolical plots to get what he wants), or has been foiled in the past by forces yet unknown. And giving away the location of the hospital he plans to blow up further undermines his position. But I’m reasonably sure what he wants is silence, so maybe he’s not a terrible person after all? You’ve got me hooked on the first page because you got all cheap and exploitative and posed a riddle : P (But I’m pretty sure the answer is silence).

Kevtones: I have no idea if this is supposed to be some metaphor about something else in life or if it should be taken at face value as a short screed declaring one’s love for burritos, but I really want Mexican food now.

Ashes1396: Okay, an MI5 officer picking up a prostitute for mysterious purposes unknown. You’ve got my interest.

Cyan: Hmmmm… Don’t think you succeeded in capturing my interest by the end of the first page. The disheveled, self-destructive (presumably alcoholic) private eye is so cliche and run into the ground, I’m a little surprised that you even attempted it. Sure, you did a gender swap, but it doesn’t go far enough in distinguishing itself from the myriad examples of the trope to really engage me. Then the client comes in and says she knows something about Meryl’s father. Okay, great, but this is the first I’ve heard of her father. Someone comes to me and says they want to talk to me about a mystery that I don’t even know is a mystery, they’re likely to be met with a blank stare and confusion rather than interest. Obviously that’s not the perspective of the characters who know it’s a mystery, but I hope you know what I’m getting at.

Tangent: Wait, you’re not SquiddyCracker… I think your opening paragraph undid the entire secondary objective, because instead of wondering what was going on and wanting to read more to find out, you just laid it all out in front of me. So I’m left with an exposition about human slave labor being used by machines (presumably to manufacture stuff), and a depiction of a member of that slave labor force manufacturing things. There’s no hint of where else this is going to go, or how things will presumably be shaken up beyond what has already been explained at the top of the page.

Elfforkusu: Thanks god you posted a way to decrypt that, because I sure as heck wasn’t going to figure it out on my own. The first page did manage to hook me. I wanted to know what the experiment was. I wanted to know why cadets were shooting each other. I intuited that it was taking place on a ring-shaped space station. Solid mix of balancing between an exposition dump and holding back so many details that the whole thing becomes too vague to be interesting. But while your rough draft process might work for you, it’s a small hassle for those of us that don’t live in your head. I felt like I was having to run everything through a translator after I already ran it through a decryption.
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
Whole Stories
Ourobolus: Where on earth do you live where you hear thunder before you see the lightning? I was kind of thrown by the setting, as bits like the village having a gate manned with guards, and Sam apparently having walked to the village from wherever had come from (though to be fair, it was a hallucination/dream sequence, so lapses in logic like “how did he get there?” are forgivable if not required) kind of gave a pre-industrial revolution vibe, but they they have ice cream and execute people by electric chair. I’m still in the dark as what would compel Sam to have killed the girls. You kind of get the impression that it was somehow an accident, but it’s difficult to imagine a situation where you accidentally kill three girls with a knife. For this to have really worked, we needed to know more about Sam and what made him tick outside of wanting to visit his grandmother and eat food. Seemingly everyone’s motivation was to eat food, it was a little strange : )

kaepernickehs: Okay, so it turns out this format for feedback doesn’t work so great when your entry is only one line.

Aaron: Oh good, it turns out it’s not just a post-nuclear apocalypse after all. Way to follow through. It does end rather abruptly though, but I suppose that only makes sense since the guy is writing it down before he commits the act and probably would be a little preoccupied afterwards. The one fly in the ointment to me was that the narrator was pulled into the future/alternate reality by a dying version of himself, who told him to bring a gun. So, from that we can infer that his future alternate self had attempted the stop it too. Which would imply that he had the same abilities. Which would mean that he too was probably pulled into an alternate future by his alternate future self. But if the experience of that had rendered the narrator deaf and mute, why didn’t it do so for his alternate future self, i.e. how would he have been able to tell him to bring a gun?

Chainsawkitten: Dat last page.
dark_souls__injured_solaire_by_menaslg-d69n3tj.png


Mike M: This story actually takes place in a fairly well-developed cosmology and mythos that has been rattling around in my head for more than a decade, but this is the first time I actually wrote about the characters (though technically the first thing I ever wrote that took place in it was the one about contracting the angel of death from many challenges ago. It’s the same diner.) I had in my head. Ironically, between Walter and Harold, Walter is the far, far, faaaaaar more developed one in my head. But in this, he was mostly just a foil for Harold’s drama queen hysterics, which is ironic, because Walter is arguably the most important person in the world. But none of that really made it to the page, because it kind of metamorphosed into a buddy comedy about looking for a cat.

Sober: Ehhhhhhhhhhh… Ben was obviously a plant from the start, and I the repeated mentions to how James was so smart and would have solved the riddle instantly is undermined by the fact that it was literally from a joke book. And Doctor Demise was always going to blow up the hospital anyway. I love (LOVE) the concept of the day-in-the-life-of-a-henchman type stuff, but in a world in which the Tick and the Venture Brothers exist, you’ve really got to bring your AAA+ game to even compete. I’m not sure it’s a premise that can even exist outside of comedy, but this didn’t really tickle my funny bone that much outside of smirking at the repartee between the doctor and the henchmen after the call to the president.

Kevtones: See my note for kaepernickehs : P

Ashes1396: “Stop the car.” “No.” *Car stops.* “Ask a different question, but I won’t answer it either and tell you ask a different question.” If the intent was to make the reader feel as frustrated as Zubeida, then well played. You certainly nailed the “cryptic” theme in this one : ) Wanting to know why on earth an MI5 agent had bought all the houses in the neighborhood and launched an exhaustive search to find a replacement mother for a mysterious girl he adopted, only to decide on a prostitute is a waaaaaay bigger hook than the act of him picking her up in his car. You spelled heroin as “heroine” multiple times. Plus it shouldn’t be capitalized, but whatevs.

Cyan: Okay, so now we know Meryl’s father was convicted of something, but now we’ll never know if he was innocent or not. Of what? We don’t know. AND WE NEVER WILL. : P

Tangent: So they were assembling frog replicas for dissection? What a peculiar expenditure of resources, you’d think it’d almost certainly be cheaper and more efficient to just breed and raise real frogs than to Cylons. Or maybe grow them in a vat, if we’re going to continue the sci-fi angle. I never really got the impression that KQ-371 had the means, time, or artistic ability to ever create anything sophisticated with the art that she was producing, so that she would draw something described like those eyes seemed odd. Not as odd as the instructor reading aloud from the Little Prince while the class was dissecting a frog, though. That was… Quite odd. The whole thing was just a set up to make the last line sound more profound, but it was kind of an awkward way of getting there.

Elfforkusu: The fact that this was only a snippet of a larger story left me with a handful of loose threads in my hand. I have no idea what the experiment was, I have no idea what the point of the air tank is if Ike can take it off and suffer no ill effects, I have no idea why taking of the suit gave Darin a sense of invincibility. I get the impression that was heavily influenced by Ender’s Game, and that the suits would lock up when shot, so by not wearing a suit Darin couldn’t be stopped? There are a few crucial details that were missing for me to tie everything together neatly.

Picks:
1.) Aaron
2.) Ashes1396
3.) Chainsawkitten
 
O

Ourobolus

Banned
Mike M said:
Whole Stories
Ourobolus: Where on earth do you live where you hear thunder before you see the lightning? I was kind of thrown by the setting, as bits like the village having a gate manned with guards, and Sam apparently having walked to the village from wherever had come from (though to be fair, it was a hallucination/dream sequence, so lapses in logic like “how did he get there?” are forgivable if not required) kind of gave a pre-industrial revolution vibe, but they they have ice cream and execute people by electric chair. I’m still in the dark as what would compel Sam to have killed the girls. You kind of get the impression that it was somehow an accident, but it’s difficult to imagine a situation where you accidentally kill three girls with a knife. For this to have really worked, we needed to know more about Sam and what made him tick outside of wanting to visit his grandmother and eat food. Seemingly everyone’s motivation was to eat food, it was a little strange : )
.
Click to expand...
Goddammit. I knew something was off when I wrote that. I sat there and stared at it thinking "light travels faster, so...wait."
Just a brain fart on my part I suppose. :p
The town was basically Sam's delusion while coming into the prison after his final time outside. The guards escort him to his cell, where he gets his final meal, escorted to the chair, etc. I left it intentionally vague as to whether or not he was in the right frame of mind to commit the crime, though.
 
S

Sober

Member
Mike M said:
Sober: Ehhhhhhhhhhh… Ben was obviously a plant from the start, and I the repeated mentions to how James was so smart and would have solved the riddle instantly is undermined by the fact that it was literally from a joke book. And Doctor Demise was always going to blow up the hospital anyway. I love (LOVE) the concept of the day-in-the-life-of-a-henchman type stuff, but in a world in which the Tick and the Venture Brothers exist, you’ve really got to bring your AAA+ game to even compete. I’m not sure it’s a premise that can even exist outside of comedy, but this didn’t really tickle my funny bone that much outside of smirking at the repartee between the doctor and the henchmen after the call to the president.
Click to expand...
Yeah, when I was thinking about it after putting it out there, I thought it would make more sense if Ben was just a young kid who lost his nerve or something instead. Comedy is hard to write, but I was just mostly trying to make it absurd as I could without going completely overboard (I think). I guess some comedic chops would help either way. I've never really written past maybe a page of "comedy" but hey, the challenge was to frontload it all, right? :p
 
E

Elfforkusu

Member
Mike M said:
Elfforkusu:
Click to expand...
Thanks. Yeah, my continued and unending apologies about the formatting and typographic errors. I doubt I'll fire off something this unpolished again, but it felt like it might be a fun thing to try. (and my decisionmaking ability at the time of submission may not have been entirely... optimal...)

I like your first page vs overall breakdown idea.
 
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