Votes:
1- Tangent
2- Mike M
3- Chainsawkitten
Ourobolus - It didn't grab me. I think it's because instead of teasing something in the first page you lay it out pretty blatantly, and though I read the whole story I didn't feel the incident this turns around become all that much clearer. I don't understand why the people are acting the way they do at the start, and all of the sudden turn. While there isn't enough of a hook for the main character for me to care about his fate.
Chainsawkitten - I could have done without the pictures. They come across as tacky and undercut the poems. While the poems themselves were good, I wish they had been rolled into one piece instead of left separate.
Mike M - I am the last person who should be saying this, but this reads too verbose. I think paring it down and removing phrases that don't add a lot of weight, like 'it was as though' would give it more immediacy. More punch. Not that you should cut it to the bone, or pull back all the time. Like where you state definitively that he's dead. That's great. Keep that, but it would be stronger if the section before and after had been leaner. I did read the whole thing because the premise is strong and you build on that nicely, though I might have speed read in spots. I enjoyed the flow of the story, the world, and the chatter between characters. The ending was simple and perfect, but I think the lack of a word restriction really worked against you. I think it would have been twice the story it is at about two thirds the length.
Sober - It's a pretty cliched opener, and there isn't a strong hook to separate it from say the Venture Brothers. I read a little further, and the dialogue reads almost as if there are lines missing. I don't feel like the characters are properly responding to each other, or providing enough background for themselves. It really needed to show me something, like the way a stage magician shows off the dove before making it disappear.
Ashes1396 - I just don't care about these people. I kept reading and it kept going, but it's too much people talking about themselves and not enough being themselves. There's also an odd stiltedness to the dialogue in the way they talk about important things and issues, with things like the man saying he's not important enough for a name more than John, and the woman talking about men masturbating into her vagina that exists too outside natural speech for me to really buy it. Though I've only known one prostitute in my life, and she wasn't much of a talker.
Cyan - It feels unfinished so its hard to judge. All the dialogue and action feels rushed from the start. If you come back to this, I would slow the pace down, let the characters settle in a little more, have a more of a back and forth conversation, and that would make the shot more of a surprise. It certainly has potential, but I can also see why you might have been writing up against a brick wall.
Tangent - You are a terrible person to make your character suffer so. Shame on you. I thought it was wonderful, and left me wanting more of this world and these characters deconstructed with child like complexity, but I don't know. Maybe I'm better off left wanting.
Elfforkusu - Setting would go a long way to bring this into focus. It never really explains itself, and doesn't really grow beyond a quick training exercise. I wanted something unique to happen, something to give it its own flavor, but it never really clicked. The action was good. It was well paced and very visual, but it needed more character.
