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Infidelity - what is worse?

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Alyssa Hu$tle

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What situation do you think is worse, and why?

1) Having a partner have a one night stand, where it means nothing at all to them emotionally. It could be with a stranger, or a drunken indiscretion at a party or something like that, but no less it means nothing to the person on an emotional level. For the sake of this argument, let’s assume safe-sex practises were followed, thus STDs and pregnancy are not an issue.

2) Having a partner remain completely faithful to you physically, but they develop a serious emotional attachment to another person, an “affair of the heart” if you will.

Now let’s establish up-front that either situation is not ideal and I am not looking for moral judgements that highlight this fact. What I am looking for is people’s opinions on which of the two are worse, and why?
 
This is certainly the topic of the month on this board.

If you are just honest with both yourself and your partner, questions like this are pretty much moot. Of course, that's does not make for exciting debate.
 
Tough question. Does this 'affair of the heart' represent a lessening of your partner's feelings towards you? I'm speaking in 'general you' not 'specific you', btw. Because if it was just an emotional bonding, but not one that's as a result of a failing within the primary relationship, and thus, doesn't negatively impact it, I don't see what's the harm. Isn't that the very definition of a deep, life-long friendship? *shrugs*
 
Option 2 is way, way worse than 1. A one-off physical fling can be easily reconciled and there is no lasting bond between the two people that would strain the relationship past the initial "OMG WTF Did You Just Say You Did?" moment.

An emotional bond is extremely hard to walk away from and the drawn out process of separation and reconciliation with the SO in this situation will result in lasting mistrust that could last for years.

When it comes to infidelity in a long-term relationship, emotions will get you into 1000x more trouble than emissions will, assuming a steady, healthy relationship.
 
Yeah, I need to know more about what this affair of the heart entails.

See, while I've never been in love, I've cared deeply about some of my girlfriends, but quite frankly I'd push them over a cliff if that would somehow save my best friend (also a girl) from having to lose a leg. Does that count as an affair of the heart?
 
Mama Smurf said:
Yeah, I need to know more about what this affair of the heart entails.

See, while I've never been in love, I've cared deeply about some of my girlfriends, but quite frankly I'd push them over a cliff if that would somehow save my best friend (also a girl) from having to lose a leg. Does that count as an affair of the heart?
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HA! Well I guess it comes pretty close! But are you in love with your best friend? I guess that is what I mean, they fall in love with someone else.
For the sake of this argument, let's say that person still has feelings for their partner as well.
 
#1 is definitely worse.

No matter what, guys are always going to experience #2. I've seen numerous times where a friend's girl would meet a new female and spend all her time with her new girl-friend. I mean it sucks, but what can you do about it.

Whatever the case, a new interesting person in anyone's life is always going to be met with mental infatuation. Just ride it out.
 
Willco said:
We wouldn't have this dumb thread if Alyssa DeJour wasn't cheating.
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Honey - you weren't meant to tell them, you were meant to keep our affair strictly between us!
I don't know if I can go on seeing you now.
 
Wellington said:
I've seen numerous times where a friend's girl would meet a new female and spend all her time with her new girl-friend. I mean it sucks, but what can you do about it.
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Umm, I don't think he meant same-sex/platonic friend infatuations.
 
The way I see it, the first one is a choice. Even if you're pissed, some part of you has to consciously choose to let something happen, or even make something happen.

The second on the other hand would just happen. You can't choose to fall for someone else, over time you simply find yourslef liking them more and more.

So the first is infinitely worst. The first isn't going to happen if you don't want it to (as it'd be rape and not cheating if anything did), the second could happen even if you desperately try to get away from it.
 
Mama Smurf said:
The way I see it, the first one is a choice. Even if you're pissed, some part of you has to consciously choose to let something happen, or even make something happen.

The second on the other hand would just happen. You can't choose to fall for someone else, over time you simply find yourslef liking them more and more.

So the first is infinitely worst. The first isn't going to happen if you don't want it to (as it'd be rape and not cheating if anything did), the second could happen even if you desperately try to get away from it.
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I disagree that the second one just 'happens'. It is little different than physical infidelity, in that it takes control and restraint. It is simily a matter of deciding early on how comitted you are to the person you are with. I refuse to entertain thoughts of love - physical or otherwise - with another woman because I am happily married. I just don't go there. It's not hard.

A friend of mine once said, if you are spoken for and see a beautiful worman on the street and you look, that's natural. Refusing to look a second time is called restraint.

What bugs me about this topic is that people seem more willing not to take accountability for their emotions. Relationships do end because of differences - that will never change. But to say that you can't control becoming attached to another person is just a weak excuse for not having a good grip on yourself; it's easier to justify when you are blameless.
 
GhaleonEB said:
I disagree that the second one just 'happens'. It is little different than physical infidelity, in that it takes control and restraint. It is simily a matter of deciding early on how comitted you are to the person you are with. I refuse to entertain thoughts of love - physical or otherwise - with another woman because I am happily married. I just don't go there. It's not hard.

A friend of mine once said, if you are spoken for and see a beautiful worman on the street and you look, that's natural. Refusing to look a second time is called restraint.

What bugs me about this topic is that people seem more willing not to take accountability for their emotions. Relationships do end because of differences - that will never change. But to say that you can't control becoming attached to another person is just a weak excuse for not having a good grip on yourself; it's easier to justify when you are blameless.
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Well like I say, I've never been in love. I really can't speak from that position.

I've been in a situation though when I've been with a girlfriend I really like, and at work there's a new girl who I start to get on with. Nothing wrong with that, you're just being friends. Then I find I'm becoming really great friends and that's fantastic, who doesn't want great friends? Then one day I realised...and it was pretty much out of nowhere...I actually get on better with this girl emotionally than I do with my girlfriend. It totally snuck up on me, at no point did I think "Oooh, better not make better friends with her, don't want this potential to be filled and find myself liking her more than my girl."

If it had occured to me that it was going that way though, rather than trying to stop it I'd probably just let it go where it's possibly going anyway. Because honestly, if I can get a closer emotional attachment to someone than to my girlfriend, it's not a relationship that's going to last.

Having said all that, I'll reiterate. Not been in love, certainly not been married. Perhaps the commitment involved in both of them would cause a much different reaction from me.

EDIT: I don't agree that you can just turn away from your emotions. Maybe you can, maybe lots of people can, but I can't. There are too many situations I can think of where I didn't want to feel something, would have pretty much done anything not to (and I tried), but it was a losing battle. Perhaps I'm weak, I dunno, but I can't close my eyes and stick my fingers in my ears until whatever it is goes away, as it were.
 
I've had both happen to me.

Number 2 is so much worse. You really feel pathetic when you're in a relationship and there is nothing you can do and you see them slowly slipping away.
 
I could imagine the latter is worse, because it didn't just happen, it's happening gradually. Plus it'll probably end in her suckin his sausage anyway, I mean am i rite?
 
I vote for #1 being worse. If she falls in love with another guy than it's alot painless to just end it instead of hearing the whole "IM SO SORRRRRRRY!!!! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!!" all in tears and mascara when you find out she fucked some guy at a party and she's telling you some bullshit so u dont dump her. When she goes ahead and fucks some guy at a party, it can't just be blamed on drunkiness. If she does it with some other guy, it means she isn't content with you physically and the alcohol brought it out of her. Picture her blowing off some random guy. How can you even look at her after that?

On the other hand, I wouldn't feel insulted if she told me she connected emotionally with another guy, I'd say that's probably normal. If she found someone that she thinks she has a special "bond" with (even if they did it), than I'd honestly be happy for her and I'd understand and respect her more than the other variant.
 
The Faceless Master said:
#1 because at least you can see #2 coming
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Not in my situation.

My ex went on a study abroad and coming home she went to London. While in London, she pretty much fell in love with a guy there, but still came back for me. We kept our relationship going for another 6 weeks, but it was horrible. I felt like I had been replaced and didn't cut it anymore.
 
Mama Smurf said:
EDIT: I don't agree that you can just turn away from your emotions. Maybe you can, maybe lots of people can, but I can't. There are too many situations I can think of where I didn't want to feel something, would have pretty much done anything not to (and I tried), but it was a losing battle. Perhaps I'm weak, I dunno, but I can't close my eyes and stick my fingers in my ears until whatever it is goes away, as it were.
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Perhaps I wasn't clear. I don't mean turn away from your emotions, but you can control what you do about them. Just because you are attracted to someone does not mean to have to pursue them or entertain thoughts of you with them, when you are spoken for. Just having the emotion does not mean you have to respond to it. I've been attracted to other women in my six years of marriage, some of whom expressed interest in me despite my wife. But I blew them off, and chose not to become attached. It's just restraint.

To put it more bluntly - just because some woman gives you a boner does not mean you have to screw her.

Just because some woman makes you heart to pitter-pat does not mean you have to fall in love (or lust) with her.
 
Number 2 is the worse. And even more so its worse when there isnt a guy even there. (and no i'm not insinuating women either) Worse of all is that you know when its happening. And some stupid guys (like myself) dont realize what were doing so wrong to make them go to something/someone else.
 
Definitely the second. For the most part, i'd imagine that a woman cheating on me would be for a reason that could be changeable, whether it be a crime of opportunity, lack of providing on my part or whatever. Simply falling in love with someone else is another matter. But there's nothing that you can do to change the way someone feels about someone else. i haven't been in the situation myself, but i could see myself feeling completely powerless to change the situation.

Just thinking about this topic makes me glad that i don't commit to "serious" relationships, but looking ay my past relations with women makes me really want a girlfriend. ;(
 
GhaleonEB said:
Perhaps I wasn't clear. I don't mean turn away from your emotions, but you can control what you do about them. Just because you are attracted to someone does not mean to have to pursue them or entertain thoughts of you with them, when you are spoken for. Just having the emotion does not mean you have to respond to it. I've been attracted to other women in my six years of marriage, some of whom expressed interest in me despite my wife. But I blew them off, and chose not to become attached. It's just restraint.

To put it more bluntly - just because some woman gives you a boner does not mean you have to screw her.

Just because some woman makes you heart to pitter-pat does not mean you have to fall in love (or lust) with her.
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Damn this love thing. In 5 years time, maybe someone will make another topic like this and I'll actually be able to answer stuff. Hopefully.
 
number 2 just sounds like the precurser to being dumped. I'd rather be dumped than have a cheating girlfriend. A cheating girlfriend could also give you the AIDS virus, screw that.
 
for me, number 2 is worse.

Although number 1 would be really bad if it was a hot passionate one night stand - because I'm not getting that!
 
Ya know, I have thought and thought about this, and I have at one point been on either side of the argument...

...but really I am not sure which is the worse, I can't make up my mind.

I guess if I truly think about it, #2 is worse.
 
For me, a lapse in physical control with some guy she hardly knows, versus a long term investment in another person is a hard choice. On the one hand I would have serious trust issues leaving her alone with other men ever again. On the other, she has taken time away from developing our relationship to start a new one, which sounds like she's already made her choice.
Sex is a trust issue, I don't know if I could trust someone if they cheated on me. But if she's fallen for someone (and that asshole knows this) then they both need to be confronted and the attachment ended.
However, that's from a marriage perspective. If we were just dating and this happened, she would be soooo dumped. I don't need a flakey GF; there are too many good girls out there to stay with someone I don't trust.
 
I'd rather option 2.


If my wife sleeps around on me with random flings, what does that say about her character, or her love and commitment to me?


If my wife develops a deep attachment to someone else but doesn't act on it, then it says a great deal about her strength of character and her level of commitment to me and our relationship.
 
I agree with others that it really depends on a situation ended.

If it's still in the dating phase, in most cases, I would say the first is definitely worse. When things start to move into a long term relationship, #2 starts to get worse as the damage is much much harder to fix. We've al had lapses in judgement before, maybe it wasn't sexual, maybe it was as simple as knowing you shouldn't get that quintuple cheeseburg and super fries from McDonalds, but you did it anyway. Humans are, by nature, imperfect. Granted I'm not saying that cheating is okay in any way, but it represents a lapse in judgement more than an invested emotion. #2 presents a far larger problem as the signifigant other has developed an invested emotion in another person. This can't really be seen as a lapse in judgement I don't think. Also, I beleive the emotional damage to the faithful person would be a bit deeper knowing that they don't have their significant other's love all to themselves.
 
callous said:
I'd prefer #1. They both mean the end of the relationship, but #1 is much faster and easier.
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This really. Both choices mean that the relationship is over, imo. But the #1 spares us from days/weeks/months/years of torture.
 
Binabik15 said:
Nice bump. But why?
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Someone linked it in her wedding announcement thread for some reason.

Edit: No clue why it was actually bumped, though.
 
nice bump but the OP is probably dead by now so its not like they can take your advice. Interesting side note, since my original post in this thread i've actually HAD vd, like 3 times in fact. Oh when we were young...
 
Number 1 is worse.

People can and often have serious emotional attachment to people other than their spouse. Thats not cheating.
 
#1 is worse.

#2 is only frightening, because it might lead to the physical manifestation that already happens in #1. That's when it goes from just thinking of a betrayal to proving it.

#2 just shows they still do care about you, no matter how much affection and tempation they hold for the other. #1 shows they really don't care about you, not even enough to resist someone they have zero affection for.
 
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