Submission Deadline: October 23rd 11:59 pacific time.
Voting Deadline: October 26th 11:59 pacific time.
Grace Periods: Each of the above deadlines will be followed by a 6-hour grace period. Submissions made after the end of the grace period will be ineligible, and votes cast after the end of the grace period will not be counted. Remember that these are grace periods, not extensions of the deadline--you should still submit your work or cast your vote by the deadline set above.
Secondary Objective: Keep a secret from the readers. They don't have to know everything for your story to work, so don't tell them everything. Tarantino never showed people what's in the briefcase, so keep one core element of your story either unaddressed, unexplained, or hidden from view.
Writing Hangout: The first sunday of every challenge we have a two hour google hangout to give people a chance to write and talk shop. It happens Sunday 2pm pacific time and lasts till 4pm. While at least a mic is recommended, you DON'T need that nor a webcam to participate. We have a text chat too. The way they're laid out, is 10 minutes of chatting, then everyone turns off their mic and hunkers down to write for half an hour. Rinse and repeat. Anyone is welcome to join, newcomers and vets alike.
Submission Guidelines:
- One entry per poster.
- All submissions must be written during the time of the challenge.
- Using the topic as the title of your piece is discouraged.
- Keep to the word count!
Voting Guidelines:
- Three votes per voter. Please denote in your voting your 1st (3 pts), 2nd (2 pts), and 3rd (1 pt) place votes.
- Please read all submissions before voting.
- You must vote in order to be eligible to win the challenge.
- When voting ends, the winner gets a collective pat on the back, and starts the new challenge.
-Critiques are NOT required. They're simply a thing some posters do. That said, if you like feedback, people would probably like to hear your feedback.
And thanks for the feedback from folks for the "spooky" story. I was hoping to elicit a little chill but not all out panic attacks.
Flowers, I'm glad you were glad vs. annoyed that I took the "Tulpa" bait but didn't really use it. Oh and "Rani Beta" is a term of endearment in that family's language/culture.
I got conflicting comments regarding the dialog of the kid's speech. Interesting!
Mike M, the "yellow" as "lellow" is a classic phonological process of assimilation! Cool!!
I have no idea. It's kind of eerie that for the third or fourth time in a row a story from the idea I'm developing for my nano novel would fit the theme. It's like something is telling me to finally get off my butt and bring those characters on paper...
Regular Sunday hangout starts in about twenty minutes. For anyone not familiar, this is where we get together and have a write-in on Google Hangouts. We have ten minutes of chat, then thirty minutes of writing with mics turned off. Repeat three times, giving a total of two hours.
Anyone is free to join in and get some writing or revision done. If you join in during one of the writing periods we will all be quietly writing, but we will say hello to you once the writing period is over.
No webcam is required, and while mics are preferred they're not required either, since there's also text chat. Hope to see some folks there! (I might be a minute or two late.)
Awww. Next time! (Actually, since this is the last challenge before NaNo, it might be a while before the next standard hangout. We'll probably still do them for NaNo though! (Also we need to hang out in real life!))
I actually really like doing that, going through something with only cursory knowledge, taking guess of what the story would be, how it would play out. Might make for a good secondary objective one day?
Awww. Next time! (Actually, since this is the last challenge before NaNo, it might be a while before the next standard hangout. We'll probably still do them for NaNo though! (Also we need to hang out in real life!))
Aaron: Im not sure how much of it to attribute to the fact that this is a first person narrative and people dont always speak with perfect syntax and how much of it was editorial oversights, but there were lots of tense changes as we jumped back and forth between present and past tense. Sentences like That was three up and down days of changing temperatures ago are clunky, to say the least. I think the most disappointing thing about this is that you laid down the sense of dread and foreboding with the last paragraph of the first scene, and I dont think it was ever really capitalized on. She arrives after everything has already happened, and her involvement is relatively minimal. Whatever conflict the reader has imagined lying down the text is instantly deflated. Its true to life in the sense that reality doesnt obey narrative structure about conflict and resolutions, but in a piece this short where we dont have time to get emotionally invested in anyone and everyone is rendered in broad strokes with summaries of their personalities and struggles rather than experiencing them for ourselves, its falls on the side of dull.
Cathy: Things are definitely patched up, I think the one remaining thing that wasnt clear to me (and I had neglected to mention it the first time around) was why Edmond would be so happy to see Malcom/Malcor and ask him to come home. It should be obvious to Edmond he just interrupted an assassination attempt (because what other reason is there to jump off an elevated position and launch themselves at a noble?), so that came across as a bit of a non-sequitur response. Swaths of sparse sentences came across as a list of a sequence of events rather than a descriptive narrative. You had a lot of words left in your budget, so it seemed like a needless pursuit of word economy.
Shannon: You addressed all of the things we talked about when we went over your story at the meeting, which is great. I think theres one spot where the perspective switches to that of the guards for a single sentence, but every other comment looks to have been addressed. The logic for the events, reactions, et. al. is now on more solid footing and it reads better for it at the macro level. I actually have a ton of notes on your draft (ellipses!) if you want a copy, though at that point Im more looking at the fine detail stuff. It seemed obvious that you were badly constrained by the word count, there are some words that, while the sentence is still understandable from context without them, would have imparted more clarity. I would also quibble with the tenses of some verbs, as they read as though they were a sequence of events when really I would expect/imagine that theyd actually be occurring simultaneously. You should definitely stitch these all together and go back over them without worrying about word counts and see what it gets you.
Mike M: For those wondering just what exactly is the nature of Ross, Hubert, and the rest of their posse:
I have no idea, Im making it up as I go along. Ross is some kind of personification/avatar of Wrath, I guess? I have kind of a deserters of the Confederate army as allegory for deserters of Satans rebellion in heaven thing going, maybe?
This one is probably withholding too much from the reader if they arent familiar with the previous outings of the Matthias, Boyd, and the Seven Deadly Sons. This is a story concept Id been waiting to write to tie together the events of Revenant Sins and Know When to Run and establish the Seven Deadly Sons as some sort of supernatural element (which I had always intended them to be, but there was never really any occasion for them to act on it). Without the other stories, this probably doesnt work as a standalone piece.
Flowersisnotbritish: I think perhaps this may have been hiding too much from the reader? Best I can figure is that the person in Scenario A killed the person in Scenario B and C because he was responsible for the death of the girl in Scenario D. I initially thought that the missing letters in the alphabetical listing of synonyms might be some sort of clue, but Im no good at alphagrams to rearrange the letters into something sensical. I thought it might have something to do with the gibberish in Scenario D, but I couldnt figure out a link there, either. I can accept that as the reader Im not meant to understand everything, but I cant help but feel like theres a puzzle to this that Im just not clever enough to solve. This sort of thing can work (see House of Leaves), but damn is it hard to do well and the end result just ends up being a literary novelty toy rather than a compelling read (see House of Leaves).
Tangent: Oh weird, my friend uses that picture as his Facebook avatar The trouble with epistolary is that it can be hard to strike that balance between imparting the beats of a story in a found document sort of format while retaining a believable voice for the writer. In this case, it rang hollow to me because in my experience people just dont talk this way with summarizing events to people who were already there. Allowances can be made that the writer of the letter perhaps just has a flair for literary excess, but I would need to see some material from someone else (a reciprocal letter, for instance) that was more grounded to establish that the first writer is just being melodramatic. I kind of keyed in early on that this was a letter to some sort of substance abuse than a person, so I guess the above critique is not 100% applicable. I felt that some of the personification talk like You and I ate In-N-Out burgers, was a bit of a cheat to further misdirect, it would more truthfully be written as I ate In-N-Out burgers with you since the Oreos are not actually eating. Also, I have never eaten so many Oreos that it gave me a headache, goddamn thats a lot of cookies.
Ward: For having so little aptitude for super powers, Randall seems to have an inordinate amount of success in harrying Dennis with varying degrees of minor annoyances (a branch through the window is probably another couple levels above sour milk or someone throwing litter into the lawn), even if in the end Dennis didnt seem to acknowledge any of it. I liked that there was kind of an absurdist bent to this where a guy gets upset over getting aced out of his dream car, and spends decades studying telekinesis and the like to get one over on his unwitting rival. I found myself wishing that there was more to Randalls spite other than Dennis buying the car out from under him decades previously, a history of unknowing slights that Randall always took personally or something. I like his animosity and dedication, I just wish it was better founded than only wanting this car for 40 years. Its okay that hes petty about it and other things, but that might be just a little bit too petty to hold everything up.
Cyan: It was about page three where I saw how the secondary objective was going to come into play on this one. Turning the anonymity into a battle tactic took the edge off of never knowing who the Crimson Knight was going to be, because in the end it was never going to matter that the reader didnt know. It was just a means by which this one dude got the upper hand on his opponents, seemingly without fail. Deftly done.
Ashes: Granted my sample size is not the most expansive, but it seems that theres a fair amount of space opera sci-fi where Catholicism is the dominant religion across the stars (Everything after Enders Game, the Hyperion series, etc.). It was an interesting to see the opposite side of the coin of a religion that hasnt fared nearly so well and what that means for its adherents.
Nezumi: Kinda wish I hadnt read that spoiler first, as it robbed me of figuring it out on my own. Im pretty sure I would have, though. Hunting the Great [Adjective] [Animal] is a hard story archetype to miss, after all. I mostly liked the world building; the navigating-the-atmosphere-of-gas-giants-as-sailing-the-seas bit has been done time and time again (Thats not the case in this instance, but its close enough so as to not matter), but its a concept I almost always love without fail. I may be colored by my preconceptions of the concept, but for me this tipped well into the territory of sci-fi enough that the magical elements of it seemed almost out of place and discordant with everything else. Which of course it shouldnt because it starts out on a wooden pier of all things. So thats on me.
I'm gonna mix these up a bit and do them in ascending order
Nezumi- From the descriptions to the dialogue to the fantastic elements, this was really great. I love cloud surfing stuff, and the idea of the gliders and using the kite as bait was really cool. There was just so many elements in this that gelled perfectly for me. What really hit me the most was the end where Marie was the only survivor, and the moral of the story became "don't accept Jobs in bars."
Ashes- This was lovely. The scenes were so quick and got their point and emotions across so well. Though I am curious about the reasoning for that style of chapter headers? Honestly, reading this made me pretty jealous. I wanted to try for something kind of like this in my last story(in a few regards, obviously two very different stories) and the stuff I felt were weak you seemed to just do them perfectly. Though, why is the son not Muslim? Kids don't have to join their parents religion, but I feel when the only Muslim you know is your mom, that makes for a special exception.
Cyan- Really well done in every regard, though I want to give special mention to the pacing and your realistic sword play. Though, you set up such a great mystery with the crimson fellow, makes the ending kind of sting. Which is fine, but I wished you played up that sting a little more in your end.
Ward- Petty revenge is the best revenge. This was just a lot of fun to read. I did have a complaint, when we started the car subplot. My first reaction was "get back to the superpowers" but the car plot quickly overtook the powers plot as it became the characters entire driving motivation. The idea of someone spending years learning mind powers just because one dude stole his dream car is amazing to me.
Tangent- I always found it kind of weird how people go over their life histories in these style of letters. i want to chalk it up to, "fiction, gotta get some plot in there somehow." but I've written letters like this and was just as heavy into my past. Anyway, even before that great reveal, I was thinking this was a pretty interesting life being lived. Kept me curious, and the reveal about Oreos retroactively gave an absurdist humor to the entire letter. Was really fun on a second read, which I don't do many of.
Flowers- Eh I tried some stuff, probably should have left more clues. Still, I'm curious what people think is happening.
It's the same character for all scenarios. I was just fucking around with narration styles. The actual story is the girl(who's the MC friend) was raped, how can he help? A Revenge B talking C Nothing or D just kind of being there. I wanted to try and capture a bit of the emotions and cons.
Mike M- So I really like the revenant system you laid out here. It's interesting, which is the thing I value most in all magic systems. The idea of the emptiness in his gut, and using that like a compass, and also how there is no reward, just the knowledge he's getting it worst, those combined make for an incredibly interesting journey. I do recall the stories your giving context to, but I don't necessarily think they're "required" reading. You get the general themes well enough.
Shannon- Now that I've seen a bit more of the magic here, I'm a little more interested in the world. Though, I stand by my comments for the first two parts. Glad to see there is a payoff of the kid releasing his terrible powers for revenge, but I really wished I could see that revenge in all its world destroying glory.
Cathy- Great scene building, through some solid descriptions. You really made me curious about Malcom, why he wanted this guy dead, what caused the nightmares. Really wished we saw more of that part though, you teased and now I really want to follow to see the after of all this. Similarly, wished I knew more about the why for the murder plot.
Aaron- Upon hearing "shooter" I feel like she just skipped through a bunch of things straight to "fuck that guy, what an asshole." There's no "Is everyone okay?" or even "What happened?" just "Asshole." This wouldn't be such a problem, because you do play a little loose with time here, but there is that focus on her coworkers. You show a bit about their lives, their problems, and it seems inappropriate that the big focus is on the killer, not the loss of her friends.
Really sorry about no comments this time around, but this week has left me drained, and anything would have been even less useful than usual.
Votes:
1- Ashes - Your story is too good for this challenge.
2- Shannon - It's vivid and descriptive even without the other parts.
3- Cyan - Amazing ending but the lead up is a little long.
Tangent: Oh weird, my friend uses that picture as his Facebook avatar The trouble with epistolary is that it can be hard to strike that balance between imparting the beats of a story in a found document sort of format while retaining a believable voice for the writer.
Wow that is weird about your friend's FB avatar. Yeah, good point. Not sure how to work on that. Also, the MC was writing to a personified version of addiction vs. to OREOs specifically.
Wow, you read it twice?! That's a huge compliment. About the OREOs, I had recently read an article that said that OREOs are as addictive as cocaine, in rats. Also, I heard a podcast about someone who sort of had this story: addicted to all sorts of recreational drugs, went clean, but now clings more dearly to OREOs than ever before. Anyway, I'll have to think over how to do this whole epistolary thing. Or why think when I can be lazy? Maybe I just won't do epistolary. Haha!
Voting is soooo hard time this around! Well done!
1. Ashes
2. Cathy
3. Cyan
hm. Nezumi
I have lots of comments I'd like to share, but also a fever -- which I shouldn't share. I bid you g'night!
No time for fleshed out comments but everyone did a really good job this time around.
1.) Ashes - Simply incredible. Maybe some of the scene transitions could be smoothened out a bit but that's just me looking for stuff to nitpick.
2.) Tangent - Really accurate description of addiction and I loved how you gave it your own little twist with the picture of a deranged cookie monster I also hope you'll feel better soon.
3.) Cyan - Even though I saw it coming from miles away that ending is still evil But this was simply too well written not to get any points.
HM: FlowersisBritish - I had no idea what this was supposed to be about but I loved that gameshow section.
And a final word to Mike. Apostrophes! Apostrophes everywhere. Conveying a setting through the use of dialect is a great idea but man did you overdo it here. The whole thing is basically unreadable which is a shame because that is a really interesting universe you are creating there. T'was t'much.
Don't worry it has happened to everyone at some point I think. I'm also really glad that i don't have to come up with a new challenge right now because like every year before Nano my brain is a creative wasteland.
