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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #182 - "Lies and Damned Lies"

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Mike M

Nick N
Theme - "Lies and Damned Lies"

Word Limit: 2500

Submission Deadline: Friday, Feb 12th by 11:59 PM Pacific.

Voting begins Saturday, Feb 13th, and goes until Monday, Feb 15th at 11:59 PM Pacific.

Optional Secondary Objective: Antiheroics
People doing the wrong stuff for the right reasons, the right stuff for the wrong reasons.

Submission Guidelines:

- One entry per poster.
- All submissions must be written during the time of the challenge.
- Using the topic as the title of your piece is discouraged.
- Keep to the word count!

Voting Guidelines:

- Three votes per voter. Please denote in your voting your 1st (3 pts), 2nd (2 pts), and 3rd (1 pt) place votes.
- Please read all submissions before voting.
- You must vote in order to be eligible to win the challenge.
- When voting ends, the winner gets a collective pat on the back, and starts the new challenge.

NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge FAQ
Previous Challenge Threads and Themes
 
A couple days ago I stumbled upon some of my really old (4 years) entries in Google Drive. One, unfortunately, was incomplete. I may just use it to start.

It's always interesting going back and reading your older writing. My style hasn't changed much over the years, which may not be a good thing...
 
"Keranos" - 1364 words

The sun painted a hot pink sky as it poked its head over the mountain range to the east. Marcus wiped the sleep from his eyes and touched the grip of his blade. This time, it didn’t do much to calm his nerves.

Corwin put his scope away and scurried down the slope to make his report. “Defenseless,” said the Halfling. There was excitement oozing from his voice. “Completely defenseless. Should be easy pickings.” He tittered.

“Not a single weapon?” Davis said skeptically. He was the leader for this operation, and shared Marcus’s keen attention to detail. Marcus admired that; they could have been friends, if not for Davis’s unabashed heartlessness.

“Excepting farming tools – and shoddy ones, at that,” Corwin said dismissively, plucking the crossbow from his back and preparing a handful of bolts. “They won’t stand a chance.”

Davis nodded. “Flarg,” he said, “Tactical assessment?”

Flarg was a part orc and part human. The common term for such creatures was ‘half orc,’ and Marcus supposed that was usually accurate enough, but Flarg seemed more like a three-quarter orc to him. His skin was dark gray, and he was always dressed like he was going to war, even when he slept. His eyes were solid yellow, and he was eerily quiet all the time, unless directly addressed. Marcus found him unnerving, perhaps even more so than he found Davis.

“No need for stealth,” Flarg announced. “Direct approach. Most will run. Any that get in our way, we kill.”

“Kill?” Marcus couldn’t help but blurt out. “Do we really need to kill them? We’re just here to loot. I didn’t sign up to be a murderer!”

“Oh, what’s this, then?” said Davis. “Did you lose your nerve, Family Man? You’re more than welcome to sit this one out if you’re not comfortable. Pity about your boy, of course. I don’t envy you for having to tell him you can’t afford the medicine that’ll save his life because you couldn’t muster the stomach to do a real man’s work.” There were snickers from the rest of the crew.

Marcus had no retort. Another difference between the two men that Marcus disliked was that Davis had a much sharper tongue and a quicker wit. His crew’s eyes burned into him, and he grew more and more aware of his heart pounding in his chest. “N-no,” he finally mustered. “I’m still in.”

“Good!” Davis slapped his thigh and stood up, drawing two blood-stained scimitars. “Then let’s get this show on the road.”

The ten men marched around the slope that they’d been using for concealment and took to the dirt road that led into the heart of Almsville. Davis had picked this community specifically because it was so small and remote; it was barely twenty houses, a handful of farms, and a tiny general store. When they came within a quarter mile, people began to spot them and flee – though they weren’t fleeing town immediately; they seemed to be alerting each other. They seemed to be coalescing near the entrance to town, which Marcus didn’t think had been anticipated.

Davis and Flarg showed no hesitation, though, and so Marcus soldiered on, longsword in hand.

The marauders stopped within a stone’s throw of the villagers. All were men; the women were no doubt hiding somewhere, or perhaps had fled town discretely. Thank the gods for small favors. A squat man in what appeared to be weathered nobles’ clothes stood at the front of the group of villagers.

“What do you want?” he asked – not in defiance, but in defeat. A wave of relief washed over Marcus.

“Oh, piss,” said Davis. “You’re gonna cooperate?! A shame. I was lookin’ forward to crushing some skulls. I suppose the loot will have to do. I’ll make this simple: We’re gonna go through each and every one of your houses, and whatever we want, we take. Since you’re being so accommodating, we’re like to leave most of your women alone, but if you’ve got a pretty wife or daughter then you might want to run on home and say goodbye to her. When we’re done, we leave, and you get to keep you worthless lives and your houses. We got a deal?”

“No,” said a new voice – a voice so powerful, and sudden that Marcus nearly dropped his blade. He peered ahead to discern its source; it was someone in the crowd of villagers, but who?

A boy emerged from the crowd. Well, not quite a boy, but not a man, either. Couldn’t have been more than fifteen, scrawny as they come, and wearing some armor or other that was quite obviously too big for him.

“No?” Davis repeated, laughing; the rest of the marauders, save for Marcus, echoed the sound. “And what do you propose then, Boy? Perhaps we’ll kill the whole sorry lot of you, take ALL your wives and daughters, and burn this sodding pisspot to the ground. Is that more agreeable to you?”

The mayor took a step forward, panic plain on his face. “Please, sirs, pay no mind to Ronald, he’s out of his mind. If you just—“

A crack of thunder boomed nearby – to close for comfort. Everyone flinched, save for the boy, who approached past the mayor. “This is your one and only chance to leave here, and never return. This village is under the protection of Keranos, the God of Storms reborn, and be advised – Keranos is a terrible and vengeful god. He would like nothing more than to smite those who would cross him.”

Davis looked at the boy sideways. “I can’t tell if you’re a liar, or you’re bloody crazy. If the former, some advice, boy – you’ve got the proper attitude to get people to believe you, but you forgot to have something to back it up. Corwin, put a bolt in his throat.”

The halfling took aim with his crossbow and fired; the bolt stopped its trajectory inches from the boy and began to float in circles around him. He fired again, and again, and again; the result was the same.

“So be it,” said the boy solemnly. The wind swirling around the boy changed, and the bolts were hurled back at the Halfling, plugging both of his nostrils and lodging themselves in his throat.

The sky darkened abruptly. A torrential downpour paired with gale force winds, and suddenly Marcus could scarcely see in front of him. Multiple lightning bolts struck nearby, and just like that, half his crew was dead, including Davis.

Three of the remaining men dropped their weapons and ran away. Only Marcus, who was paralyzed with fear, and Flarg remained. The towering half-orc snarled and raised his two handed battle axe. There was a pregnant pause as the two figures stared unwaveringly at each other.

Then Flarg charged, bellowing a fearsome battlecry, through the storm, heedless of the rapidly deteriorating weather conditions.

Before he could reach the boy, a tornado spontaneously formed and lifted the half-orc off the ground, and the battlecry quickly transformed into a cry of terror. He was hurled a hundred feet in the air, and then the tornado disappeared. Flarg fell straight to the ground, landing head first, breaking his neck instantly.

Marcus dropped his weapon and stared open-mouthed at the boy. The rain stopped and the clouds disappeared just as quickly as they’d come. The sun shined once more.

“You do not belong here,”
said the boy, not unkindly, and then Marcus realized that his lips were not moving – he was speaking directly into Marcus’s mind. “Go home to your young one. I am not yet at full strength, but I will do what I can to help him.”

Marcus did not have to be told twice. He ran, and ran, and ran, until the town of Almsville was a distant memory.

When Marcus returned home, he was stunned to find that his son was well on his way to recovery, where a week ago he had been at death’s door. Marcus himself lived to a ripe old age, and enjoyed many happy years with his family before peacefully passing away in his sleep one night.

In all that time, for his entire life, he never dared set foot anywhere near Almsville, ever again.
 

Mike M

Nick N
"Keranos" - 1364 words

giphy.gif
 

Mully

Member
Winter Storm John - 664 words.

Came up with this story, this afternoon. I'd rather post it raw like this, than promise myself to look at it over the next few days and question myself about posting it.

The story might be a bit heavy handed, but I think it's a good mix of my fascination with weather forecasting, and my very loud breakdown that occurred after work last winter. Also, I had to shoehorn in the theme since the initial story was about my rage rather than the righteousness that I felt at the time for lashing out.
 

FlowersisBritish

fleurs n'est pas britannique
God, I've been in such a dark depressing mood lately, and all I can think of for this challenge are dumb light hearted adventures. Why'd you do this to me Mike?
 

Mike M

Nick N
God, I've been in such a dark depressing mood lately, and all I can think of for this challenge are dumb light hearted adventures. Why'd you do this to me Mike?
Heh, I went some place similar with mine. I kinda like the characters an inordinate amount for having only come up with them yesterday, I may have to do more with them.
 

Red

Member
every time I sit down to write, my son cries. He's giving me a hell of a time. Managed to scribble some lines down at work, hope I can pull it together this week.
 

Red

Member
I have one day off between now and the deadline and I hope I'm able to get wring something out during that time.
 

Red

Member
I think I've had a total, maybe six hours sleep the past three days. I'm writing down delusions. I'm dreaming awake. None of it makes sense. This is a bad week for me.
 

Mike M

Nick N
Gonna post the usual Hangout link. Apparently there's some kind of sportsball thing about Lady Gaga playing against a panther or something, so I don't know what kind of turnout we can expect.

The hangout link is (quote to see):

Hangout starts at 2pm PST. Standard quick recap plagiarized from Cyan last thread: it's on Google Hangouts, and the format is ten minutes of chat, then thirty minutes of writing with mics muted, repeated until we've gone for two hours. Webcams aren't required, though several of us will have them. Mics are recommended but also not required, as you can use the text chat.

Note that Google Hangouts recently moved to a new format, which doesn't include the text chat. If you want to switch back, hit the three dots in the upper right corner and choose the option to switch to the old version.
 

Mike M

Nick N
Honestly don't know yet. Since the local municipal hand egg troupe of seabirds isn't getting bowls of soup this year, my wife is likely to get cabin fever and insist we head out of the house this afternoon.

Sports are weird.
 

Cyan

Banned
The game is happening in my neck of the woods so I probably won't be venturing out of the house much. Hope to see you at the hangout, Mike!
 

MilkBeard

Member
gonna give this a try. I have an idea I can use. Having the story be short makes it a little bit easier for me. I usually get bogged down when stories get too long.
 

Tangent

Member
I like how you described the super bowl, Mike M. I want to join the hangout just briefly to say hi even though I will probably run my usual routine of narrowing down my ideas on Friday. Blaaaaah. Plus, I only have a few minutes before a "guac off." Have fun writing!

Also, big thanks to all for all the feedback last week. I didn't want to take people's time in reading my story when I DNQ'd myself, but thanks anyway for the feedback.

Crunched, I was impressed that you not only gave me feedback, but read Mike M's feedback for me, and responded to that! That's dedication, man.
 

Red

Member
I look at these challenges as an opportunity to improve not only writing but reading and responding to the submitted stories. I read all the feedback, to see if I may have missed something, or if I hadn't considered a point, and to prevent myself from repeating what has already been said. Everyone who takes the time to submit deserves those courtesies.

Would have loved to join the meet up but I was dog tired after work. Came home and slept for two hours. Want to make a habit of them in the future—but maybe not next time, I'm scheduled 12:30-9pm :(
 

MilkBeard

Member
Winter Storm John - 664 words.

Came up with this story, this afternoon. I'd rather post it raw like this, than promise myself to look at it over the next few days and question myself about posting it.

The story might be a bit heavy handed, but I think it's a good mix of my fascination with weather forecasting, and my very loud breakdown that occurred after work last winter. Also, I had to shoehorn in the theme since the initial story was about my rage rather than the righteousness that I felt at the time for lashing out.

Gave it a read. Not sure if it's allowed to post critiques on here, so I will edit this in case it is meant for somewhere else.

I liked the idea behind the story. I felt it was unique, and when I started to realize where you were going, it definitely felt like there is potential.
As it stands, I feel the sentences are a bit complicated and overly descriptive. You are well under the limit, so you could spend some extra words to spread out sentences that are simpler but to the point. I still understood what was happening, though.

As for buildup and resolution, I think that it got lost somewhere in the middle. Perhaps you could hold back some more details until the end of the story, just so that there is a bigger payoff. Or think of more that you could reveal near the end. Just an idea. I feel that there is a conflict of sorts, but not much clear direction of where the story is going or resolving to. I feel that this is partly because the main premise behind the story is revealed somewhat early in the story, and there isn't much left to help build tension or find a resolution after that fact. The premise of John as a storm is great, though.

As it stands, that was a good draft. I would recommend making some edits, and/or building upon the story as you have plenty of time to perfect it.
 

Tangent

Member
I look at these challenges as an opportunity to improve not only writing but reading and responding to the submitted stories. I read all the feedback, to see if I may have missed something, or if I hadn't considered a point, and to prevent myself from repeating what has already been said. Everyone who takes the time to submit deserves those courtesies.
Thanks, Crunched! I, too, want to get better at reading, responding, and providing feedback. But, I'm not sure if I count as someone who deserves these courtesies if I volunteer to revoke my entry if I know I can't read all of them one weekend! Hmm, maybe this a larger question: if it's OK to submit a half-baked story when you know you can't participate in voting. I submitted last week just for stubborn consistency. I worry that if I sit a single one out, it'll be a very slipper slope.

Would have loved to join the meet up but I was dog tired after work. Came home and slept for two hours. Want to make a habit of them in the future—but maybe not next time, I'm scheduled 12:30-9pm :(
And you're a new parent. And you have a crazy schedule and you don't sleep. I wonder if you get cranky. How do you even manage to have the motivation to write, PERIOD?!
 

MilkBeard

Member
My story is coming along quite nicely. I'm sitting at 1,000 words. Looks like I'll be riding close to the 2500 word limit when the story is finished.

I've been wanting to do one of these for a while now, and I liked the theme here, so I did a thing. I hope it isn't too sloppy :p.

Barnes, Gaines, & Mercer, LLP - 1,931 words

I read your story. I'll post my impressions in a little bit, mostly likely sometime tonight.
 

Ashes

Banned
Probably best if we keep crits till after the voting period begins.

BUT WHAT IF I AM LYING? Dun dun dun!!!
 

MilkBeard

Member
Probably best if we keep crits till after the voting period begins.

BUT WHAT IF I AM LYING? Dun dun dun!!!

I thought it might be good to do it before, so that people get a chance to get advice before it closes so they can apply any changes to help their stories. I suppose it might make sense to hold off, because it could get confusing and we'd have to read stories multiple times.

I guess the suggestion in the FAQ that it's best to put them out as complete as possible to avoid confusion still stands. I'll adjust my methods.
 

Ashes

Banned
Well... I hope you have thick skin, because I intend to provide crits of how listening to the changes and revising accordingly made the story worse.

OR AM I JUST PLAYING THE ANTIHERO!!! Dun, Dun, Dun!!!
 
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