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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #182 - "Lies and Damned Lies"
- Thread starter Mike M
- Start date
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What a fantastic bunch of stories. I agree with Ashes, it's like reading a good short story book.
Annoyingly, I just read over my story for the first time. I left out a pretty important bit of information. It's basically wtf is happening without it. I put the info in my original post.
Annoyingly, I just read over my story for the first time. I left out a pretty important bit of information. It's basically wtf is happening without it. I put the info in my original post.
I've actively wondered what it would take to get such an endeavor off the ground. Or an annual anthology or something.
I gave that similar idea once before, no one seemed to go for it.
I also made a small mistake or two in mine. Lol, I suppose that's what happens when you write a lot, and then aren't able to give yourself extra time to edit and make the necessary changes.
For me, it's mandatory to take a few days away after completion so that the impression of the story is wiped completely from my mind. I noticed that sometimes the image I have of the story is very vivid. It blocks me from being able to just look at the words and see what they describe. After a few days I can come down from that high and take a keener look at what I actually wrote instead of what I envisioned.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
In theory, I like the idea of end of year Neogaf best of (maybe done in November, since we all take a break then), but I'm in the same boat as Ashes where I send most of my good stuff out. If a story wins a challenge, it's pretty much getting into my submission rotation. Though, there is some stuff that didn't win I'm still pretty fond of. I don't know, it's a tricky topic, because I do love these challenges and would want some of my best in a neogaf collection.
Still, fun to dream. Question, if we did, should we use the original entries, or allow for revisited versions based on feedback? I think it would be cool to have them stand side by side, the challenge version and the final version.
Still, fun to dream. Question, if we did, should we use the original entries, or allow for revisited versions based on feedback? I think it would be cool to have them stand side by side, the challenge version and the final version.
Yeah that is an issue. Ideally, if I feel a story has enough potential I will want to send it in to journals as well. I've been bugging my old community college journal with some of the stories I wrote in the past.
I suppose if we were to actually do something like that, perhaps it would be more of a selection of stories written throughout the year, instead of the Writing Challenge winners. And of course, with the permission of the writers of each story.
Either a yearly or quarterly could contain wins that the author isn't sending out, with 2nds likewise. But it would take a fair bit of organising.
Yes, it's definitely best to take a break so you can look at it afresh
Getting what I write into alignment with what I envision would be nice as well!
Yes, it's definitely best to take a break so you can look at it afresh
but we can't all be as together as Mike M
The rules might be different per publication.
My old college has an art and literary journal run by students. They take art, short story and poetry submissions every year, and their word limit is 3500. Their process is different, though: they have a panel choose art pieces to feature for the journal, and then they choose writing pieces that relate to them. They publish in pairs like that, and there is no way to know if your writing is going to be relevant.
My old college has an art and literary journal run by students. They take art, short story and poetry submissions every year, and their word limit is 3500. Their process is different, though: they have a panel choose art pieces to feature for the journal, and then they choose writing pieces that relate to them. They publish in pairs like that, and there is no way to know if your writing is going to be relevant.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
For me, sending things out means spending atleast an hour through submission grinder till I find a place that I don't feel too outclassed submitting to. Sometimes I go crazy and submit to places I have no place being, trying to get more in the habit of that. Then i wait varying amounts of time for a rejection; sometimes formal, sometimes encouraging, sometimes with advice.
On the flipside, when a place buys your story, that usually means they get first time electronic publishing rights, and sometimes timed exclusivity. Depends on the place. A lot of us get away with having stuff here because of the password protection. That's why we use it, so it's not published property of whatever place owns this forum. When exclusivity is up, rights revert back to the author, and you can do whatever you want with your story, like include it in a big neogaf anthology.
Anyway read through them all, gonna do critiques later.
Here's some spoilered votes
On the flipside, when a place buys your story, that usually means they get first time electronic publishing rights, and sometimes timed exclusivity. Depends on the place. A lot of us get away with having stuff here because of the password protection. That's why we use it, so it's not published property of whatever place owns this forum. When exclusivity is up, rights revert back to the author, and you can do whatever you want with your story, like include it in a big neogaf anthology.
Anyway read through them all, gonna do critiques later.
Here's some spoilered votes
1.___Crucnhced
2. **Cyan**********
3. Tangent++++++
2. **Cyan**********
3. Tangent++++++
ThLunarian: Looking forward to seeing you play this character. Ive already got a way to weave the question of whether or not he really is the embodiment of a forgotten god into the mythos, so I think thats going to tie everything together when we get the next campaign up and running.
Mully: You got a lot of mileage out of the metaphor and looked to have taken it every which way I can possibly think of to take it. As something broken up and spread through a larger work, I think it could be effective. Taken in isolation and comprising the entirety of the submission, however, it got a bit tiresome to read. Like not too much was actually happening, but the depth and breadth of the metaphorical description dragged everything out and slowed the pace to a crawl.
Axelhortsemchi: Well look who else has crossed the tracks from PbP GAF : P Ill tell you straight up, comedy is damned hard to write, in large part because so much humor depends on visual components, inflection, delivery, etc. Converting that to the written form is a tall order. The absurdism worked in fits and spurts (the part about the priest leading children to make risky investments was great), but not every gag was a direct hit. It needs some polish on the voice and delivery, particularly the bits that would be a sight gag in any sort of visual adaptation. Imagery like bars slamming shut over the windows would be delivered in a fraction of the time it would take to read a sentence describing the action, so it understandably impacts the pacing and flow of the jokes. Lunarians had me look over stuff hes written before, Im always there to bounce stuff off of.
MilkBeard: I think the build up to what ultimately proved to be the conflict of this one went on for too long, since it essentially consisted of the characters just getting together at a coffeeshop without anything revelatory or poignant about the characters to make it worth the wait. When the guessing game stuff began in earnest, it mostly just painted the whole lot of them as petty assholes who I found to be intensely unlikeable and impossible to sympathize with.
Sethista: This line at the end really stood out for me:
Crunched: Overall, this was a well done example of showing instead of telling, though not without a few hiccups. For me, beans coming in a jar was a strange thing. A quick Google search showed that yes, beans can come in jars, but I wonder if its a regional thing. I certainly have never seen them, and didnt find them when I was at the grocery store yesterday and thinking about it. Stanza/item/whatever we should label these #14 mentions the tire flipping up like a tombstone. Again, strange imagery, because Im not really familiar of any situation in which tombstones do much or any flipping. Those two (really one, since I will concede the beans thing was my own lack of knowledge) things aside, I think the other minor problem you had was the consistency in the characters voice. #20, in particular, stood out to me as being notably less sophisticated than the other parts, and none of them struck me as coming from the kind of person who would use the word embolism.
dangerbyrnes: Unfinished and unedited arent necessarily the same thing : ) The story at work here was serviceable enough, and I wish it had seen its way through to the conclusion. But even for an unedited draft, the number of errors was through the roof. It didnt render it unreadable, but it certainly took me out of the experience to keep tripping over it.
mu cephi: I get the impression that we were supposed to consider Beck the villain of this story (the bit about her sleeping with a sixteen year old kind of bends my thinking in that direction), or at least put her and her sister on relatively equal moral standing as both being imperfect people. But Moll, in the end, was unequivocally in the wrong, and Beck was right. Moll got sloppy, left her teammate behind to get captured and tortured, and now as a result their entire colony is going to be wiped out. Whether or not the settlement should remain in isolation and hiding or not is a legitimate debate to be had, but it wasnt Molls call to make, and now people are going to die.
FlowersisBritish: Modern world where magic is common hijinks, smartass remarks, morally dubious protagonist, it really had a lot going for it. At the core of this is a story that hits all the right buttons for me, but it needs some polish to really bring out the lustre. Grammar and punctuation errors aside, some of the dialogue could have been tightened up, and some of the descriptions were pretty boring and straightforward. Give it a go without worrying about the wordcount and see what it yields.
Mike M: Its not the greatest story ever written, but it turned out more or less exactly as I had intended. The notion of a prince on a journey with a princess after accidentally slaying a harmless dragon was something Id had in mind since challenge #112, but I always got jammed up on the interaction between the prince and the princess resulting in anything but them just standing around screaming at one another. Then I had the idea for a stupid owl, and everything else came together for me. I like these three enough that I may revisit them down the line in some other pisstake on fairy tales and fantasy quests. Sidenote: I am entirely too amused at the notion of a vocal sword that just keeps shouting, Hey!
Tangent: Not sure if Plane is a typo, or if theres some sort of reference to the fact that shes a duck and she flies in there. A cute enough story, I actually weirdly really appreciated the epilogue at the end that shows that the good-looking ducks were full of shit and their lives were shit because they are shit. But they look gorgeous doing it.
Tim the Wiz: This was too disproportionately weighted toward the first aspect of the story regarding the grandfather for me to fully appreciate. The human smuggling portion is the part that has the action and conflict, but it almost seems a footnote that could have been expanded. The key thing tying the two stories together was the needing to believe your lies, which seems like it could have probably been conveyed with nothing more but the final paragraph and lines of dialogue from the first part.
Ashes: Why, there are no astronauts in this story at all! Also, Im immensely confused as to who the narrator was supposed to be. Other than that, I thought it did an admirable job of jumping from people and time willy nilly to weave them all together into a coherent story at the end regardless. I dont usually go for such things, but I really liked this one.
Cyan: Full of decent world building and descriptions, all the same I couldnt help but feel underwhelmed at the end. Everyone but the protagonist was interesting enough, but he seemed to have the charisma of a bowl of oatmeal with no particularly clear morals or principles that we should be shocked to see him violate by seeking the necromancers buried works.
Ward: Everything seems rather obvious from the start. There are only so many scenarios in which case people are going to buying a bunch of stuff for disposing of a body, limited almost entirely to disposing of a body. The final line stating that it was the first truthful thing Clyde had said that day seemed odd and out of place as a narrative aside in a screenplay. Ive never read a screenplay to completion, so I dont know how common an occurrence that is, but it seemed at odds (and in a different verb tense) than everything else that came before which was strictly simplistic descriptions.
Nezumi: If only we had Azih this week, wed have had almost all of PbP GAF in attendance this week : ) The idea that insects who look like other things by way of camouflage would be upset for being mistaken for the things they look like seems a bit out of sorts, since thats like the entire point of them looking like other things. Loved the payoff, though.
Votes:
1.) Ashes
2.) Crunched
3.) Cyan
Mully: You got a lot of mileage out of the metaphor and looked to have taken it every which way I can possibly think of to take it. As something broken up and spread through a larger work, I think it could be effective. Taken in isolation and comprising the entirety of the submission, however, it got a bit tiresome to read. Like not too much was actually happening, but the depth and breadth of the metaphorical description dragged everything out and slowed the pace to a crawl.
Axelhortsemchi: Well look who else has crossed the tracks from PbP GAF : P Ill tell you straight up, comedy is damned hard to write, in large part because so much humor depends on visual components, inflection, delivery, etc. Converting that to the written form is a tall order. The absurdism worked in fits and spurts (the part about the priest leading children to make risky investments was great), but not every gag was a direct hit. It needs some polish on the voice and delivery, particularly the bits that would be a sight gag in any sort of visual adaptation. Imagery like bars slamming shut over the windows would be delivered in a fraction of the time it would take to read a sentence describing the action, so it understandably impacts the pacing and flow of the jokes. Lunarians had me look over stuff hes written before, Im always there to bounce stuff off of.
MilkBeard: I think the build up to what ultimately proved to be the conflict of this one went on for too long, since it essentially consisted of the characters just getting together at a coffeeshop without anything revelatory or poignant about the characters to make it worth the wait. When the guessing game stuff began in earnest, it mostly just painted the whole lot of them as petty assholes who I found to be intensely unlikeable and impossible to sympathize with.
Sethista: This line at the end really stood out for me:
An abuser telling their victim that they dont deserve it is something that kind of flies in the face of the conventional understanding of the psychology of such scenarios. Not that it couldnt ever happen, but--and I really fucking hate myself that Im about to invoke this, because this is not something I worry about--it lacks emotional truth to me. The mantra that she doesnt deserve it, that she does nothing to deserve it, has for so long been the lines that come out of the supportive friend who is trying to convince the victim to leave/get help that it rings false to come out of the mouth of the one doing the abusing. Again, not that it couldnt ever happen, but having to go up against the readers expectations is always going to be difficult. Also, the story didnt end so much as stop. Theres no resolution, it just cut to black at the climax : P
Crunched: Overall, this was a well done example of showing instead of telling, though not without a few hiccups. For me, beans coming in a jar was a strange thing. A quick Google search showed that yes, beans can come in jars, but I wonder if its a regional thing. I certainly have never seen them, and didnt find them when I was at the grocery store yesterday and thinking about it. Stanza/item/whatever we should label these #14 mentions the tire flipping up like a tombstone. Again, strange imagery, because Im not really familiar of any situation in which tombstones do much or any flipping. Those two (really one, since I will concede the beans thing was my own lack of knowledge) things aside, I think the other minor problem you had was the consistency in the characters voice. #20, in particular, stood out to me as being notably less sophisticated than the other parts, and none of them struck me as coming from the kind of person who would use the word embolism.
dangerbyrnes: Unfinished and unedited arent necessarily the same thing : ) The story at work here was serviceable enough, and I wish it had seen its way through to the conclusion. But even for an unedited draft, the number of errors was through the roof. It didnt render it unreadable, but it certainly took me out of the experience to keep tripping over it.
mu cephi: I get the impression that we were supposed to consider Beck the villain of this story (the bit about her sleeping with a sixteen year old kind of bends my thinking in that direction), or at least put her and her sister on relatively equal moral standing as both being imperfect people. But Moll, in the end, was unequivocally in the wrong, and Beck was right. Moll got sloppy, left her teammate behind to get captured and tortured, and now as a result their entire colony is going to be wiped out. Whether or not the settlement should remain in isolation and hiding or not is a legitimate debate to be had, but it wasnt Molls call to make, and now people are going to die.
FlowersisBritish: Modern world where magic is common hijinks, smartass remarks, morally dubious protagonist, it really had a lot going for it. At the core of this is a story that hits all the right buttons for me, but it needs some polish to really bring out the lustre. Grammar and punctuation errors aside, some of the dialogue could have been tightened up, and some of the descriptions were pretty boring and straightforward. Give it a go without worrying about the wordcount and see what it yields.
Mike M: Its not the greatest story ever written, but it turned out more or less exactly as I had intended. The notion of a prince on a journey with a princess after accidentally slaying a harmless dragon was something Id had in mind since challenge #112, but I always got jammed up on the interaction between the prince and the princess resulting in anything but them just standing around screaming at one another. Then I had the idea for a stupid owl, and everything else came together for me. I like these three enough that I may revisit them down the line in some other pisstake on fairy tales and fantasy quests. Sidenote: I am entirely too amused at the notion of a vocal sword that just keeps shouting, Hey!
Tangent: Not sure if Plane is a typo, or if theres some sort of reference to the fact that shes a duck and she flies in there. A cute enough story, I actually weirdly really appreciated the epilogue at the end that shows that the good-looking ducks were full of shit and their lives were shit because they are shit. But they look gorgeous doing it.
Tim the Wiz: This was too disproportionately weighted toward the first aspect of the story regarding the grandfather for me to fully appreciate. The human smuggling portion is the part that has the action and conflict, but it almost seems a footnote that could have been expanded. The key thing tying the two stories together was the needing to believe your lies, which seems like it could have probably been conveyed with nothing more but the final paragraph and lines of dialogue from the first part.
Ashes: Why, there are no astronauts in this story at all! Also, Im immensely confused as to who the narrator was supposed to be. Other than that, I thought it did an admirable job of jumping from people and time willy nilly to weave them all together into a coherent story at the end regardless. I dont usually go for such things, but I really liked this one.
Cyan: Full of decent world building and descriptions, all the same I couldnt help but feel underwhelmed at the end. Everyone but the protagonist was interesting enough, but he seemed to have the charisma of a bowl of oatmeal with no particularly clear morals or principles that we should be shocked to see him violate by seeking the necromancers buried works.
Ward: Everything seems rather obvious from the start. There are only so many scenarios in which case people are going to buying a bunch of stuff for disposing of a body, limited almost entirely to disposing of a body. The final line stating that it was the first truthful thing Clyde had said that day seemed odd and out of place as a narrative aside in a screenplay. Ive never read a screenplay to completion, so I dont know how common an occurrence that is, but it seemed at odds (and in a different verb tense) than everything else that came before which was strictly simplistic descriptions.
Nezumi: If only we had Azih this week, wed have had almost all of PbP GAF in attendance this week : ) The idea that insects who look like other things by way of camouflage would be upset for being mistaken for the things they look like seems a bit out of sorts, since thats like the entire point of them looking like other things. Loved the payoff, though.
Votes:
1.) Ashes
2.) Crunched
3.) Cyan
I think, for my first round, I will sit out on doing critiques for all the stories. Instead, I'll just list my choices and why I chose them. If anyone wants an extra opinion on their story, feel free to pm me.
1st choice: Marrakech Nador Sea, by Tim the Wiz-
I enjoyed the setting quite a bit, and the natural flow to the story. All or most of the characters felt real to me, like they had an important place in the story.
Upon a second reading, I picked up something I didn't notice before-- the theme of stories, and how the main characters must have conviction in what they do-- even if that means lying, to themselves or others.
I enjoyed those little snippets, like snapshots, of people's lives. You get a sense of the Englishman, and his struggle in his changing workplace. A sense for the grandfather, and why he tells his stories. And then by the end, how the main character's motivation for his actions, and how it ties in with the earlier parts of the story.
2nd Choice: The Necromancer, by Cyan-
This is just an all-around, well written story. The descriptions, and the flow of the story. The world and character building drew me in. It took me a while to understand what happened, or was happening, which caused me to re-read and look at everything carefully. I started to feel that the necromancer was secretly manipulating the main character. The necromancer was a powerful person, and commanded awe of those around him. I liked this theme, and how people were simply afraid of his legend--in fact, the story didn't really go into the magic very much, the whole thing was simply something used to create fear in people so that he could control them. That, in person, he was much different than his legend. He was a rather normal individual, albeit of higher intelligence, and calculating.
It's hard for me to say how far his plan went. My guess is that he wanted to pass his dogma on to a spiritual successor. In a way, he'd be living on like that. But it wasn't explicitly stated. I enjoy a bit of mystery in stories, and being able to try to read between the lines and interpret characters' motives.
3rd choice: Will Do Occult Stuff For Money, by FlowersisBritish-
This story, despite being a bit rough around the edges, was pretty entertaining. I liked the hilarious pairing of mundane life (craigslist ads, running a business off the internet) with fantastical elements (magic, vampires, etc.).
The real reason this story is one of my choices is because of the twist that started two-thirds of the way through the story. I thought it quite amusing and it took me by surprise. I am a sucker for unexpected twists. And how it played on the cliche of vampires at the end.
It's sometimes nice to read a witty, almost nonsensical story, and this one hit that note.
1st choice: Marrakech Nador Sea, by Tim the Wiz-
I enjoyed the setting quite a bit, and the natural flow to the story. All or most of the characters felt real to me, like they had an important place in the story.
Upon a second reading, I picked up something I didn't notice before-- the theme of stories, and how the main characters must have conviction in what they do-- even if that means lying, to themselves or others.
I enjoyed those little snippets, like snapshots, of people's lives. You get a sense of the Englishman, and his struggle in his changing workplace. A sense for the grandfather, and why he tells his stories. And then by the end, how the main character's motivation for his actions, and how it ties in with the earlier parts of the story.
2nd Choice: The Necromancer, by Cyan-
This is just an all-around, well written story. The descriptions, and the flow of the story. The world and character building drew me in. It took me a while to understand what happened, or was happening, which caused me to re-read and look at everything carefully. I started to feel that the necromancer was secretly manipulating the main character. The necromancer was a powerful person, and commanded awe of those around him. I liked this theme, and how people were simply afraid of his legend--in fact, the story didn't really go into the magic very much, the whole thing was simply something used to create fear in people so that he could control them. That, in person, he was much different than his legend. He was a rather normal individual, albeit of higher intelligence, and calculating.
It's hard for me to say how far his plan went. My guess is that he wanted to pass his dogma on to a spiritual successor. In a way, he'd be living on like that. But it wasn't explicitly stated. I enjoy a bit of mystery in stories, and being able to try to read between the lines and interpret characters' motives.
3rd choice: Will Do Occult Stuff For Money, by FlowersisBritish-
This story, despite being a bit rough around the edges, was pretty entertaining. I liked the hilarious pairing of mundane life (craigslist ads, running a business off the internet) with fantastical elements (magic, vampires, etc.).
The real reason this story is one of my choices is because of the twist that started two-thirds of the way through the story. I thought it quite amusing and it took me by surprise. I am a sucker for unexpected twists. And how it played on the cliche of vampires at the end.
It's sometimes nice to read a witty, almost nonsensical story, and this one hit that note.
And since Mike M talked about his own piece, and there's only a day left for voting and everyone has most assuredly chosen their favorites (if not, then wait to read this post until afterward), I will talk a little bit about my own story. What I meant to say with Meetup at Kaldi's anyway, and why I wrote it.
It was a bit crammed into the 2500 word limit. Shortly after I made an edit that had about 200 extra words, to give a little more more breathing room to the conversation (there is a ton of dialogue and not much description in the submitted version).
Basically, it was just a kind of lens into the broken relationship of a group of people. I didn't explicitly state how each person related to each other. It was a context to the story and was meant to be pondered. It was also based on how people act in Seattle, or, well, the Pacific Northwest in general. People are said to be a bit cold, distant...and it's hard to get into people's circles if you don't really have a good way.
James is holding up an image to appear successful. He's not truthful about his background. He has feelings for Aly, but he doesn't really want to admit it. His interest in her is just kind of a misplaced interest that never panned out. In fact, he only agreed to meetup with them in the first place to try to appear nice, agreeable. This is something that might be lost out of cultural context. I may need to place something that signifies this, or not.
Sam kind of has an ability to see other people's lies. He gets bored with them, actually. And when he has a chance, he finds excitement in playing with people and revealing what they are hiding, even if it holds disastrous consequences. He's more straightforward and is not trying to put up an air to impress anyone.
Aly is kind of similar to James, in that she has feelings for James but doesn't want to admit or open up to it. Her and Colin are faking a relationship so she can hold up her image of success, like she's moved on.
Colin likes Aly, and he's playing along with her lie because, simply, he wants to be with her. He obviously doesn't like James very much.
Brit is just kind of like the person you see everyday at the store, or the coffee house, or wherever that rings your groceries, that you make small talk with. She likes James and has seen him for who he really is, but is hiding it because she's too shy to talk about it. Once that is revealed from Sam, James kind of sees her for the first time.
And with Sam, being the wildcard that he is, stirs up the pot. The whole gathering is like a group of people put together who are hiding things and don't want to get to the core of the matter, and would rather hide from the reality. Sam is like a bull in a china shop, and just tips everything over. James, being a somewhat closer friend, is the only one who could really handle it even though he's still caught up in a swirl of lies.
I intend to work on it a bit, add more depth to the movements and surroundings, and perhaps try to bring out these different threads of the characters and their relationships with each other to make them a somewhat more palpable.
It was a bit crammed into the 2500 word limit. Shortly after I made an edit that had about 200 extra words, to give a little more more breathing room to the conversation (there is a ton of dialogue and not much description in the submitted version).
Basically, it was just a kind of lens into the broken relationship of a group of people. I didn't explicitly state how each person related to each other. It was a context to the story and was meant to be pondered. It was also based on how people act in Seattle, or, well, the Pacific Northwest in general. People are said to be a bit cold, distant...and it's hard to get into people's circles if you don't really have a good way.
James is holding up an image to appear successful. He's not truthful about his background. He has feelings for Aly, but he doesn't really want to admit it. His interest in her is just kind of a misplaced interest that never panned out. In fact, he only agreed to meetup with them in the first place to try to appear nice, agreeable. This is something that might be lost out of cultural context. I may need to place something that signifies this, or not.
Sam kind of has an ability to see other people's lies. He gets bored with them, actually. And when he has a chance, he finds excitement in playing with people and revealing what they are hiding, even if it holds disastrous consequences. He's more straightforward and is not trying to put up an air to impress anyone.
Aly is kind of similar to James, in that she has feelings for James but doesn't want to admit or open up to it. Her and Colin are faking a relationship so she can hold up her image of success, like she's moved on.
Colin likes Aly, and he's playing along with her lie because, simply, he wants to be with her. He obviously doesn't like James very much.
Brit is just kind of like the person you see everyday at the store, or the coffee house, or wherever that rings your groceries, that you make small talk with. She likes James and has seen him for who he really is, but is hiding it because she's too shy to talk about it. Once that is revealed from Sam, James kind of sees her for the first time.
And with Sam, being the wildcard that he is, stirs up the pot. The whole gathering is like a group of people put together who are hiding things and don't want to get to the core of the matter, and would rather hide from the reality. Sam is like a bull in a china shop, and just tips everything over. James, being a somewhat closer friend, is the only one who could really handle it even though he's still caught up in a swirl of lies.
I intend to work on it a bit, add more depth to the movements and surroundings, and perhaps try to bring out these different threads of the characters and their relationships with each other to make them a somewhat more palpable.
A few very brief comments:
Keranos, by ThLunarian Very enjoyable. Great, concise setup. I wanted to know what happened. I thought it was let down slightly by the ending.
Winter Storm John, by Mully I really liked the imagery, the piece was short enough to just about hold it all the way through. I thought the sentence structure was rather awkward at times.
Barns, Gaines, & Mercer LLP, by Axelhortsemchi I really enjoyed this. There were some hilarious lines. I thought it didnt quite hold it together to the end.
Meetup at Kaldis, by MilkBeard The scene was set with quite a lot of detail at the beginning, but after that the character dynamics were difficult to follow (I think half the stuff you put in your explanation post should have gone in the story).
Something has to be done, by Sethista The paranoia and justification were really well done. The ending was abrupt.
Things I Done, by Crunched This was wonderful, really evocative. I did think the language he used occasionally seemed out of place. Also the specificity of the trade partnership was a little jarring, when the rest seemed deliberately timeless.
Necessary Casualties, by dangerbyrnes Decent set-up, that things arent quite right. The sentence structure and lack of editing were an issue. But you created a good sense of unease and things about to go wrong.
Will Do Occult Stuff for Money, by FlowersisBritish I thought this was very entertaining. But the editing!
Litany of Lamentation, by Mike M Thoroughly enjoyable. It had some very amusing bits.
Plain Jane, by Tangent This was cute. I liked the slightly bittersweet ending.
Marrakech Nador Sea, by Tim the Wiz Great place setting, a lot of nice detail.
The Astronaut, by Ashes I really enjoyed this. I mostly liked the style, though the time jumping got a bit much occasionally. I didn't think it was as emotionally real as some of your other stuff.
The Necromancer, by Cyan Great set-up and scene-setting, and nicely built up. This was very enjoyable. The only thing against it really is it was predictable.
Snowball Plight, by Ward This was great. I thought he was maybe making a bomb/ having an affair, I don't watch much horror... I'm not sure it needed the flashback scenes.
Carl the Bug, by Nezumi Fun idea. Poor Carl!
Votes:
1. Crunched
2. Cyan
3. Mike M
Keranos, by ThLunarian Very enjoyable. Great, concise setup. I wanted to know what happened. I thought it was let down slightly by the ending.
Winter Storm John, by Mully I really liked the imagery, the piece was short enough to just about hold it all the way through. I thought the sentence structure was rather awkward at times.
Barns, Gaines, & Mercer LLP, by Axelhortsemchi I really enjoyed this. There were some hilarious lines. I thought it didnt quite hold it together to the end.
Meetup at Kaldis, by MilkBeard The scene was set with quite a lot of detail at the beginning, but after that the character dynamics were difficult to follow (I think half the stuff you put in your explanation post should have gone in the story).
Something has to be done, by Sethista The paranoia and justification were really well done. The ending was abrupt.
Things I Done, by Crunched This was wonderful, really evocative. I did think the language he used occasionally seemed out of place. Also the specificity of the trade partnership was a little jarring, when the rest seemed deliberately timeless.
Necessary Casualties, by dangerbyrnes Decent set-up, that things arent quite right. The sentence structure and lack of editing were an issue. But you created a good sense of unease and things about to go wrong.
Will Do Occult Stuff for Money, by FlowersisBritish I thought this was very entertaining. But the editing!
Litany of Lamentation, by Mike M Thoroughly enjoyable. It had some very amusing bits.
Plain Jane, by Tangent This was cute. I liked the slightly bittersweet ending.
Marrakech Nador Sea, by Tim the Wiz Great place setting, a lot of nice detail.
The Astronaut, by Ashes I really enjoyed this. I mostly liked the style, though the time jumping got a bit much occasionally. I didn't think it was as emotionally real as some of your other stuff.
The Necromancer, by Cyan Great set-up and scene-setting, and nicely built up. This was very enjoyable. The only thing against it really is it was predictable.
Snowball Plight, by Ward This was great. I thought he was maybe making a bomb/ having an affair, I don't watch much horror... I'm not sure it needed the flashback scenes.
Carl the Bug, by Nezumi Fun idea. Poor Carl!
Votes:
1. Crunched
2. Cyan
3. Mike M
It's funny you say this, because for me you needed to edit this down to 1000 words. Preferably less.
I'm sorry if I've scared you off from providing critiques. My intention wasn't this. I like your enthusiasm. And I have a feeling you'll go far if you make writing & entering a habit. Good luck.
dangerbyrnes
Member
1. FlowersIsBritish
I think comedy in writing is probably the hardest thing to do. so I liked that you were able to make me laugh at some parts of this. I especially liked what amounts to a smash cut to a scene later on. there are a few typos though.
2. Cyan
It's hard to say what i like about this, i guess its just the interesting dialogue between the two characters, each with very different viewpoints on how to rule. i didn't feel the need to know more, so i guess that's a mark of a good self contained story.
3. Ashes
The writing was a little odd at first, like the guy was a mobster or something, but it was an interesting way to tell a story, and i liked the message it conveyed at the end.
i did word that a little weird, it's technically both unfinished and unedited. that's how i write, i just spill the story on the page, then make it look nice after, otherwise the story would never come out. lol.
it's nice that you wanted to see the rest, makes me feel less bad about it. i just had no time to finish it.
I think comedy in writing is probably the hardest thing to do. so I liked that you were able to make me laugh at some parts of this. I especially liked what amounts to a smash cut to a scene later on. there are a few typos though.
2. Cyan
It's hard to say what i like about this, i guess its just the interesting dialogue between the two characters, each with very different viewpoints on how to rule. i didn't feel the need to know more, so i guess that's a mark of a good self contained story.
3. Ashes
The writing was a little odd at first, like the guy was a mobster or something, but it was an interesting way to tell a story, and i liked the message it conveyed at the end.
i did word that a little weird, it's technically both unfinished and unedited. that's how i write, i just spill the story on the page, then make it look nice after, otherwise the story would never come out. lol.
it's nice that you wanted to see the rest, makes me feel less bad about it. i just had no time to finish it.
It's more that I was writing lengthy bits about each story and it would take a long time going at that rate. I also need to read each story at least twice to get a proper understanding to give a critique. Maybe it's just my ADD or whatever.
By the way, I liked your story quite a bit. The only reason it didn't make my list, I would say, is because I was struggling to find how it fit the topic.
As for the 1000 word cut suggestion, well I'm trying to play around with showing more with less, so that would actually be ideal. I have no idea how I would cut it down that much and still insinuate each character's connection. Perhaps some of the dialogue can be shortened. There is a bit of repeating going on. The intro goes on for some time, and probably could be limited as well.
I am trying to play around with showing more with less description. So ideally, I would be trying to imply these connections without saying them outright. I have a fascination with Hemingway's theory of having intelligent reductions in your story, which in the end, if done correctly, make the reader ponder about it. The truth is though, is that it can be challenging to pull off depending on what the story is and how you go about it. It's also probably true that you need at least some kind of backbone of the story that is easy to understand. In my story almost everything is vague.
I'll be making a pass to cut out unnecessary stuff and try to get to the point quicker for sure.
---
As for other people's stories, I'd be glad to discuss points, like what you wanted readers to see, characters, and any and all hidden details to the story.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
What's that? Hoping for some votes? Too bad! Here's some feedback!
ThLunarian- Seems like an interesting band of marauders. It was neat seeing it from their perspective, of them strolling up and about to do all the looting. When guardian showed up, lost some momentum for me, mostly because the villagers thought he was full of shit, yet there didn't feel like much surprise when he turned legit.
Mully- Yeah, little heavy handed, but I like heavy handiness personally. I liked how the metaphor evolved and the weather based aspects of it. I wished you lingered on moving on a bit more. Also, being a struggling writer is as cliche as it comes. Can't he be a struggling carpenter? Or professional ballet dancer?
Axelhortsemchi- This was fun. Good gags here and there but no killer joke that carried it. I did like the bars slamming down, and cocaine drawer. You did well to establish some visual gags in a words based medium. Of the evil overlords, I enjoyed black cloak guy the most, and I kind of wish he was the one to come down. Mercer lacked the dramatic stereotype of the other two, making him tame despite his violence.
Milkbeard- Dialogue felt believable, like me hanging out with my friends(though from your notes, maybe that's not such a good thing...). The big thing is obviously the game, but it takes too long to really get to it, and it goes by too quick. As soon as it starts, all we see is them being huge assholes, and Brit was clearly bothered by it. There was no fun to be had, unless you were huge assholes. I get that's the point, but there is the delusionment of them not being the worst, and I feel a couple rounds of fun teasing would have helped ease into the assholishness.
Sethista- You did a really great job putting us into the headspace of someone who is in an abusive relationship.Don't listen to Mike Mike has some valid points maybe, blaming the victim is a huge part of these things. They stay with the person because it's always their fault and if they're better than the won't get hit. Though the line he pointed too was a little blunt, for my liking. You did such a good job putting us in the headspace, your ending didn't work. Felt sudden, we get all these justifications and then a sudden shift to "something has to be done?" Sure, he pulled out a knife, but a lot of times escalation is not what ends these things.
Crunched- Really good, a lot of your descriptions especially resonated with me. Couple things still, Sally Mae is in the beginning for the sex, then just disappears with no real explanation. It feels like she should be important, but isn't? And we don't really get a reason for it either? (is it because the dad dislikes her? Also was the dad sleeping with her mom? I guess that would be grounds for not wanting his kid to hang around her). Also, I didn't like your ending. At first, i loved it, but then I thought about it more(a good quality for a story to inspire) and while I liked the possibility of the dog being okay, the lying bit was barely explored, so the a lot of emotional impact was left on the table. Ultimately, felt more like a way to tie into the theme, than anything significant.
DangerBrynes- Don't usually read espionage thriller, so I might be about to talk out my ass. I think this is too focused on the dialogue, and that it needed some action to keep it going. There was too much chatter for a supposed stealth op. Though, seemed like that problem would resolve itself by the sounds of it. Anyway, the maguffin they were after, it shouldn't be a mystery. From the sounds of it, the mystery of it isn't important. Only mention this, because a big part of thrillers like these(from what I understand) is apocalyptic scenarios that usually end in WWIII. There is a somewhat known danger to the world, and that's why our heroes must succeed. Without it here, I didn't really care for what this band of dudes were doing. Though again, might be more because I don't usually read espionage thrillers.
Mu Cephei- Always have mixed feelings about opening exposition. ON one hand, in show don't tell, it is always telling, and that's not good, on the other hand, it's an easy way to catch us up on the world, and with such tight word counts as ours, sometimes we need that luxury. Which is weird to talk about, because I don't think you need it. Upon reflection, all the information in that opening bit could have been gleamed from the story itself. Anyway, for a woman who only wants to save people, Moll is dooming awhile lot to save just 'one' life. I get it's the good thing to do, but she is destroying an entire place doing so.
Flowersisbritish: Hey, since we're doing some self reflection, I might as well join in. So I started this story at the beginning of the challenge, and then some crazy shinanegans took up a few days, and I just kind of left it on the block till a few days before the challenge. Though, I am getting a little bothered by my poor ability as an editor. I just can't really spot grammar/spelling mistakes. Even in other's stories, I just don't have the eyes for it. Side note, I grinded against that 2,500 limit like a stripper who has to pay rent tomorrow. It's been so long since I had to cut so much content. Not necessarily words, but characters and ideas. Still, it was fun writing Babel into something again.
Mike M. Love the shit out of this trainwreck of a duo. And I'm with you, the concept of a vocal sword slays me hue hue hue hue. While I get the ending, it doesn' so much fill me with resolution as much as a desire to see what's next, so this universe already has that going for it. Great introduction to a fun something bigger I hope.
Tangent- This was pretty adorable. The conflict to me felt like a "glamorous life v. quaint" and Jane chose quaint, which I appreciate. City life is so god damn overratted, and I'm with Mike in that there was a real satisfaction knowing those glamorous birds' life was shit. There was just something really nice about the tone too, something where I would want to read it to kids if I have any.
Tim the Wiz- I found myself much more interested in the story of the story teller than of the smuggling plot. Just the notion of someone who only tells stories and would never bother writing them down is really interesting to me. It's like in Africa, a lot of stories are still told via word of mouth.
Ashes- I loved your narration style in this, though I kind of wish they didn't show their -ahem- hand. I liked the idea of just a narrator style much more than an actual person. Mostly because since it's an actual person, all the various bits of omnipotence don't make too much sense? How did they 'see' joe cycling, or know what Di was wearing?
Cyan- well rounded (what a shock) great use of voice here though. The shift towards the book, with little bits of curiosity and questions, made the eventually 'fall' as he went in search of it feel very natural. Though, I have a tough time believing the Necromancer was ever good, or ever tried to be good. You made him out to be so cartoonishly evil, that I can't possibly believe he was ever anything but.
Ward- Bad liars frustrate me. So much. It's probably because I'm so good at it, that whenever someone stammers and says a bad lie I just get all flustered. I really liked the screenplay format in this, though I do think you had too much description for it. The strongest bits were easily when you made use of the format, like the voice over and shots of him doing odd things.
Nezumi- What a delightful story, it was cute, felt a bit like a slow crawl in a children's book, and was overall- oh... oh god. That was dark. Again, the world's irrational fear of spiders proves to be justified.
ThLunarian- Seems like an interesting band of marauders. It was neat seeing it from their perspective, of them strolling up and about to do all the looting. When guardian showed up, lost some momentum for me, mostly because the villagers thought he was full of shit, yet there didn't feel like much surprise when he turned legit.
Mully- Yeah, little heavy handed, but I like heavy handiness personally. I liked how the metaphor evolved and the weather based aspects of it. I wished you lingered on moving on a bit more. Also, being a struggling writer is as cliche as it comes. Can't he be a struggling carpenter? Or professional ballet dancer?
Axelhortsemchi- This was fun. Good gags here and there but no killer joke that carried it. I did like the bars slamming down, and cocaine drawer. You did well to establish some visual gags in a words based medium. Of the evil overlords, I enjoyed black cloak guy the most, and I kind of wish he was the one to come down. Mercer lacked the dramatic stereotype of the other two, making him tame despite his violence.
Milkbeard- Dialogue felt believable, like me hanging out with my friends(though from your notes, maybe that's not such a good thing...). The big thing is obviously the game, but it takes too long to really get to it, and it goes by too quick. As soon as it starts, all we see is them being huge assholes, and Brit was clearly bothered by it. There was no fun to be had, unless you were huge assholes. I get that's the point, but there is the delusionment of them not being the worst, and I feel a couple rounds of fun teasing would have helped ease into the assholishness.
Sethista- You did a really great job putting us into the headspace of someone who is in an abusive relationship.
Crunched- Really good, a lot of your descriptions especially resonated with me. Couple things still, Sally Mae is in the beginning for the sex, then just disappears with no real explanation. It feels like she should be important, but isn't? And we don't really get a reason for it either? (is it because the dad dislikes her? Also was the dad sleeping with her mom? I guess that would be grounds for not wanting his kid to hang around her). Also, I didn't like your ending. At first, i loved it, but then I thought about it more(a good quality for a story to inspire) and while I liked the possibility of the dog being okay, the lying bit was barely explored, so the a lot of emotional impact was left on the table. Ultimately, felt more like a way to tie into the theme, than anything significant.
DangerBrynes- Don't usually read espionage thriller, so I might be about to talk out my ass. I think this is too focused on the dialogue, and that it needed some action to keep it going. There was too much chatter for a supposed stealth op. Though, seemed like that problem would resolve itself by the sounds of it. Anyway, the maguffin they were after, it shouldn't be a mystery. From the sounds of it, the mystery of it isn't important. Only mention this, because a big part of thrillers like these(from what I understand) is apocalyptic scenarios that usually end in WWIII. There is a somewhat known danger to the world, and that's why our heroes must succeed. Without it here, I didn't really care for what this band of dudes were doing. Though again, might be more because I don't usually read espionage thrillers.
Mu Cephei- Always have mixed feelings about opening exposition. ON one hand, in show don't tell, it is always telling, and that's not good, on the other hand, it's an easy way to catch us up on the world, and with such tight word counts as ours, sometimes we need that luxury. Which is weird to talk about, because I don't think you need it. Upon reflection, all the information in that opening bit could have been gleamed from the story itself. Anyway, for a woman who only wants to save people, Moll is dooming awhile lot to save just 'one' life. I get it's the good thing to do, but she is destroying an entire place doing so.
Flowersisbritish: Hey, since we're doing some self reflection, I might as well join in. So I started this story at the beginning of the challenge, and then some crazy shinanegans took up a few days, and I just kind of left it on the block till a few days before the challenge. Though, I am getting a little bothered by my poor ability as an editor. I just can't really spot grammar/spelling mistakes. Even in other's stories, I just don't have the eyes for it. Side note, I grinded against that 2,500 limit like a stripper who has to pay rent tomorrow. It's been so long since I had to cut so much content. Not necessarily words, but characters and ideas. Still, it was fun writing Babel into something again.
Mike M. Love the shit out of this trainwreck of a duo. And I'm with you, the concept of a vocal sword slays me hue hue hue hue. While I get the ending, it doesn' so much fill me with resolution as much as a desire to see what's next, so this universe already has that going for it. Great introduction to a fun something bigger I hope.
Tangent- This was pretty adorable. The conflict to me felt like a "glamorous life v. quaint" and Jane chose quaint, which I appreciate. City life is so god damn overratted, and I'm with Mike in that there was a real satisfaction knowing those glamorous birds' life was shit. There was just something really nice about the tone too, something where I would want to read it to kids if I have any.
Tim the Wiz- I found myself much more interested in the story of the story teller than of the smuggling plot. Just the notion of someone who only tells stories and would never bother writing them down is really interesting to me. It's like in Africa, a lot of stories are still told via word of mouth.
Ashes- I loved your narration style in this, though I kind of wish they didn't show their -ahem- hand. I liked the idea of just a narrator style much more than an actual person. Mostly because since it's an actual person, all the various bits of omnipotence don't make too much sense? How did they 'see' joe cycling, or know what Di was wearing?
Cyan- well rounded (what a shock) great use of voice here though. The shift towards the book, with little bits of curiosity and questions, made the eventually 'fall' as he went in search of it feel very natural. Though, I have a tough time believing the Necromancer was ever good, or ever tried to be good. You made him out to be so cartoonishly evil, that I can't possibly believe he was ever anything but.
Ward- Bad liars frustrate me. So much. It's probably because I'm so good at it, that whenever someone stammers and says a bad lie I just get all flustered. I really liked the screenplay format in this, though I do think you had too much description for it. The strongest bits were easily when you made use of the format, like the voice over and shots of him doing odd things.
Nezumi- What a delightful story, it was cute, felt a bit like a slow crawl in a children's book, and was overall- oh... oh god. That was dark. Again, the world's irrational fear of spiders proves to be justified.
Thanks for this, that is exactly what my objective was, trying to put the reader in the mindset of the day to day of someone who is being abused. Its not the big things, bt the little things like the paranoia and constant berating that gets to the abused person in the end.
And I guess no one here liked the sopranos ending huh? hahaha
I made the ending like this because I wanted to show that during the story she had various opportunities to speak out, and now she was in a situation that was spiraling out of control, and she had no idea what to do. Again, I wanted to put the reader in her mindset. and she had no idea what was going to happen.
Thanks for the feedback everyone. Really appreciate it.
Dude, that's like the opposite of what I was getting at. I agree that the guilt is a factor in remaining with their abuser, it's the fact that the guy telling her that she doesn't deserve it and has done nothing to deserve it is the abuser absolving the victim of guilt, not placing the burden of guilt upon her. Though the fact he prefaced it with "you made me do this" muddies things considerably.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Oh, fuck, I misread the line you quoted. Now your thing makes more sense.
I don't think that's what's happening. I think it's just awkward phrasing. I read it as "I love you and you don't deserve [my love]."
Hm. I guess.
1. Cyan
2. Ashes
3. Mike M
hm: Flowers
ThLunarian - good, active words. "hot pink"makes me immediately think "80s," maybe it's just me. you use "halfling" early on. this can leave unfamiliar readers lost. you explain orcs and half-orcs in strong, vivid detail, but we aren't told anything about halflings. "N-no"the stammer comes through without resorting to phonetic spelling. ditto "?!"these things do not to be made so obvious. they present themselves more naturally through your presentation of character+through context.
why should we care about these characters? what redeeming features do the marauders have? they are currently broad tropes. the boy who channels keranos is the only character who seems alive and distinct.
why is marcus rewarded for being party to the attack? he was hesitant, but he remained committed to the plan... what does he do not only to redeem himself, but to deserve a divine gift? other marauders also randid they too hear offers of grace?
the image of a storm god is done effectively and i think keranos (or the boy, whichever) is a great character.
Mully - perhaps italicize the clichés at the start to set them apartor remove them completely. they do not add much. conceptually, this is a very strong piece. it's maybe my favorite idea this round. why does john consider these storm metaphors? does he want to be a meteorologist? is he a hobbyist storm chaser? is he watching a TV forecastor does he overhear his family watching one? the whole story seems to live between an abstract and concrete reality. it is a sort of impressionist image of the world. try to escape that liminal space. let the story be more easily understandable, let us know exactly what is happening instead of relying so much on the metaphor. perhaps describe the story as an unfolding weather report, so we are more grounded within the syntax and convention of something real.
you mentioned posting this raw, and i feel that. it is a good springboard toward a special, more polished product. the emotions as storm metaphor might be cliché, but i've not before seen it taken to this extent, or in quite this direction.
perhaps more on the history, impact, and context of the prior storms mentioned.
Axelhortsemchi - "gazed at the clock"not gripping. "eye," "gaze," "stare," "look," "watch"these words should be used sparingly, especially in opening paragraphs. unless they are used in a nuanced or provocative way, they offer nothing compelling.
"already mentally checked out"telling (and an inactive state of being). demonstrate this through behavior. the solitaire is an excellent detail, and can handle the full weight of what you are conveying.
front-loaded exposition. much of this is not needed. we don't need the history of the company. we don't need to know much about mercer. the interactions and behaviors of your characters tell us what we need to know. you get the point across without needing to drop a bucket of text.
"ordained men luring children..." great wit, timing. maybe my favorite joke in the piece.
"... overlapping versions of Push it to the Limit..." very funny.
ditto "blood feud between hobos and statisticians."
last paragraph probably not necessary.
pretty dang funny. try to stay active + always illustrate behavior. allow characters to do more. less sitting, thinking, waiting, watching, unless these are done to an end, or in an active way.
we get death + the devil at the end, but why isn't mercer also a mythical figure?
Milkbeard - opening could be more active. "the glass door swung open," but more accurately, "the man swung open the glass door." let your characters be the force that alters their environment. this not only gives them agency but diminishes the sense that the setting is somehow acting on its own.
why not begin the story with everyone seated?
"his face was barren of..."
"james was not surprised..."
these things do not tell us anything. they reveal very little about character or relationship. you clearly have a strong sense of how your characters are related, and what they mean to one another, but it seems you are taking this information for granted. we need more to approach your understanding, not having access to the privileged knowledge of the author.
"james turned his head"
"aly stood, conflicted"
"brit eyes her"
"the moment seemed to drag on"
"brushed his hair back once more"
"sam looked at james for a moment in complete silence"
"there was a long pause, and no one could think of what to say"
these repeated halts do nothing to explore character or further the plot. start, stop, start, stop. they hurt the flow. they are authorial signage: now it's awkward time
there are a lot of pauses and chuckles, titters, laughs.
"aly glanced at colin, then back at sam"these are incidental details that don't tell us anything we can't gather from context. pay attention to what motions, gestures, images can be assumed by your audience. we do not need the small stuff, unless it thrusts the story forward.
does james have past anger issues? why does colin leave? the climax happens suddenly and is only loosely justified.
edited well, and technically proficient.
focus on characterwhat sets these people apart from one another? separate their worldview, personalities. what goal does each person have? the game is ambiguous. even its outcome is ambiguous. also pin down your setting. give us more to bring this place to life... smells, sounds, things on the walls, that might give us more to build the structure in our minds.
i don't think your characters necessarily must be likable... they can still be cruel to each other. but motivations are unclear in this draft. it will benefit the story to explore why everyone acts the way they do.
Sethista - what sets these characters apart from domestic abuse tropes? allow the narrator to be more understanding and receptive to uniquenessfor all characters.
caps aren't necessary to give your dialogue impact. it's there, in the words, and the heat of the situation.
the ending comes quick and is nonspecific... what needs to be done? as is, we are given "a decision needs to be made"but what is the decision? this can be a powerful moment, a realization that changes this woman's life. we are on the edge of that, but not quite looking over.
dangerbyrnes - watch tense
"it's... had yet."
give lots of up-front info. necessary? let your story happen, reveal character through behavior, not recaps. we see them as they travel the plot.
"low hanging fog billowing around his long jacket"good detail. try "billowed." this is more active. avoid gerunds when possible.
info overflow in those exposition blocks ("the digital screen showed..."). we do not need all of this. we are interested entirely in the action and momentum of the plot. exposition works against the inertia you want to maintain, and should be dealt with as quickly and succinctly as possible.
"decent distance"fuzzy; be more specific. stick with military jargon.
"something about the mission made carter uneasy"show this more
"i don't like secrets as much as your sergeant"check your phrasing. this sounds like the sergeant likes secrets, though the russian likes them less.
try to avoid genre tropes, both in character and interaction. does it have to be a missile?
ends without resolution... no questions are answered.
you clearly present important aspects of your characters. we can recognize when characters are being inquisitive, mistrustful, sly... hone in on these facets of character and try to present them in unique ways. character will carry you.
mu cephei - the exposition up front is probably unnecessary. the first section can be cut without losing essential info.
try to cut dialogue to necessities. there is a lot of back and forth right now: "it's your fault," "no, it's your fault." this doesn't need to be repeated. we understand the conflict almost immediately.
i liked your characters and would like to see them become even more pronounced.
Flowers - "an arrival"can this be made more specific. the arrival is specialthat's why you wrote a story about it.
why is it important + obvious that babel be of irish descent? how does he reveal this?
"per say" is "per se," although this may be intentional, to show an affectation of character.
very fun to read, a little quick to end. i do like the transition that takes place before the ending, that's a great comedic beat.
Mike - arcismeschanneling an inner C-3PO?
really liked this. definitely been a good week for you if the rest of your output is up to this standard.
story's not resolved and doesn't really stand on its own as a short. despite this, the characters were fully realized and could easily sustain a much longer piece. focus on them, their personalities, histories, desires, the way these things clash. each one of these people is propulsive. find more to make them unique, tics and charms.
how does their journey resolve? how do they change? what do they learn, lose, gain, reveal to each other?
tbh, if i read this snippet in a bookstore i'd be itching to bring the full book home.
Tangent - cute fable. i'd like some larger recognition from jane about what her lifestyle + family mean to her, when she decides not to go with the pretty ducks. consider having her run into them again, so she can see how the city has damaged them. right now the narrator is forced to switch from limited third person to omniscient in order to give us info. we could be given this in a more natural way, that also allows for more interaction + display of character.
Tim - well-written. good, expressive behavior and dialogue. not sure what's up with the middle section or how it fits into the big picture. we don't get going until we return to the smuggling frame. though the middle is enjoyable, it functions as set dressing and does not obviously connect to a greater theme. i enjoyed reading it, and actually prefer the middle part to the more dramatic action of the frame.
Ashes - strong beginning, great voice. a bit difficult to follow the criss-crossing relationships and times. the most touching entry this round. really nice exploration of love in a long term relationship. this is one of my favorites from you. in the words of donald trump, "just terrific."
Cyan - strong character, dialogue, intrigue. personalities distinct and charming. doesn't resolve nicelyseems to signify something bigger. to improve it as a short, consider revealing something more about the narrator, what he discovers about the world, himself. what does hashur mean for him?
clear throughout, with reasoned action and a strong sense of place.
Ward - "what does it matter he thinks to himself"how does this translate to screen?
tense, but relies a little much on a twist to color what we've seen. if you give us that info up front we are put in an even more uncomfortable position, which would be great for hooking us even more.
Nezumi - charming. nice and light. wish it would have ended differently. i want carl to make it. until the sour ending i imagined this as an eric carle board book (pitch it, maybe).
2. Ashes
3. Mike M
hm: Flowers
ThLunarian - good, active words. "hot pink"makes me immediately think "80s," maybe it's just me. you use "halfling" early on. this can leave unfamiliar readers lost. you explain orcs and half-orcs in strong, vivid detail, but we aren't told anything about halflings. "N-no"the stammer comes through without resorting to phonetic spelling. ditto "?!"these things do not to be made so obvious. they present themselves more naturally through your presentation of character+through context.
why should we care about these characters? what redeeming features do the marauders have? they are currently broad tropes. the boy who channels keranos is the only character who seems alive and distinct.
why is marcus rewarded for being party to the attack? he was hesitant, but he remained committed to the plan... what does he do not only to redeem himself, but to deserve a divine gift? other marauders also randid they too hear offers of grace?
the image of a storm god is done effectively and i think keranos (or the boy, whichever) is a great character.
Mully - perhaps italicize the clichés at the start to set them apartor remove them completely. they do not add much. conceptually, this is a very strong piece. it's maybe my favorite idea this round. why does john consider these storm metaphors? does he want to be a meteorologist? is he a hobbyist storm chaser? is he watching a TV forecastor does he overhear his family watching one? the whole story seems to live between an abstract and concrete reality. it is a sort of impressionist image of the world. try to escape that liminal space. let the story be more easily understandable, let us know exactly what is happening instead of relying so much on the metaphor. perhaps describe the story as an unfolding weather report, so we are more grounded within the syntax and convention of something real.
you mentioned posting this raw, and i feel that. it is a good springboard toward a special, more polished product. the emotions as storm metaphor might be cliché, but i've not before seen it taken to this extent, or in quite this direction.
perhaps more on the history, impact, and context of the prior storms mentioned.
Axelhortsemchi - "gazed at the clock"not gripping. "eye," "gaze," "stare," "look," "watch"these words should be used sparingly, especially in opening paragraphs. unless they are used in a nuanced or provocative way, they offer nothing compelling.
"already mentally checked out"telling (and an inactive state of being). demonstrate this through behavior. the solitaire is an excellent detail, and can handle the full weight of what you are conveying.
front-loaded exposition. much of this is not needed. we don't need the history of the company. we don't need to know much about mercer. the interactions and behaviors of your characters tell us what we need to know. you get the point across without needing to drop a bucket of text.
"ordained men luring children..." great wit, timing. maybe my favorite joke in the piece.
"... overlapping versions of Push it to the Limit..." very funny.
ditto "blood feud between hobos and statisticians."
last paragraph probably not necessary.
pretty dang funny. try to stay active + always illustrate behavior. allow characters to do more. less sitting, thinking, waiting, watching, unless these are done to an end, or in an active way.
we get death + the devil at the end, but why isn't mercer also a mythical figure?
Milkbeard - opening could be more active. "the glass door swung open," but more accurately, "the man swung open the glass door." let your characters be the force that alters their environment. this not only gives them agency but diminishes the sense that the setting is somehow acting on its own.
why not begin the story with everyone seated?
"his face was barren of..."
"james was not surprised..."
these things do not tell us anything. they reveal very little about character or relationship. you clearly have a strong sense of how your characters are related, and what they mean to one another, but it seems you are taking this information for granted. we need more to approach your understanding, not having access to the privileged knowledge of the author.
"james turned his head"
"aly stood, conflicted"
"brit eyes her"
"the moment seemed to drag on"
"brushed his hair back once more"
"sam looked at james for a moment in complete silence"
"there was a long pause, and no one could think of what to say"
these repeated halts do nothing to explore character or further the plot. start, stop, start, stop. they hurt the flow. they are authorial signage: now it's awkward time
there are a lot of pauses and chuckles, titters, laughs.
"aly glanced at colin, then back at sam"these are incidental details that don't tell us anything we can't gather from context. pay attention to what motions, gestures, images can be assumed by your audience. we do not need the small stuff, unless it thrusts the story forward.
does james have past anger issues? why does colin leave? the climax happens suddenly and is only loosely justified.
edited well, and technically proficient.
focus on characterwhat sets these people apart from one another? separate their worldview, personalities. what goal does each person have? the game is ambiguous. even its outcome is ambiguous. also pin down your setting. give us more to bring this place to life... smells, sounds, things on the walls, that might give us more to build the structure in our minds.
i don't think your characters necessarily must be likable... they can still be cruel to each other. but motivations are unclear in this draft. it will benefit the story to explore why everyone acts the way they do.
Sethista - what sets these characters apart from domestic abuse tropes? allow the narrator to be more understanding and receptive to uniquenessfor all characters.
caps aren't necessary to give your dialogue impact. it's there, in the words, and the heat of the situation.
the ending comes quick and is nonspecific... what needs to be done? as is, we are given "a decision needs to be made"but what is the decision? this can be a powerful moment, a realization that changes this woman's life. we are on the edge of that, but not quite looking over.
dangerbyrnes - watch tense
"it's... had yet."
give lots of up-front info. necessary? let your story happen, reveal character through behavior, not recaps. we see them as they travel the plot.
"low hanging fog billowing around his long jacket"good detail. try "billowed." this is more active. avoid gerunds when possible.
info overflow in those exposition blocks ("the digital screen showed..."). we do not need all of this. we are interested entirely in the action and momentum of the plot. exposition works against the inertia you want to maintain, and should be dealt with as quickly and succinctly as possible.
"decent distance"fuzzy; be more specific. stick with military jargon.
"something about the mission made carter uneasy"show this more
"i don't like secrets as much as your sergeant"check your phrasing. this sounds like the sergeant likes secrets, though the russian likes them less.
try to avoid genre tropes, both in character and interaction. does it have to be a missile?
ends without resolution... no questions are answered.
you clearly present important aspects of your characters. we can recognize when characters are being inquisitive, mistrustful, sly... hone in on these facets of character and try to present them in unique ways. character will carry you.
mu cephei - the exposition up front is probably unnecessary. the first section can be cut without losing essential info.
try to cut dialogue to necessities. there is a lot of back and forth right now: "it's your fault," "no, it's your fault." this doesn't need to be repeated. we understand the conflict almost immediately.
i liked your characters and would like to see them become even more pronounced.
Flowers - "an arrival"can this be made more specific. the arrival is specialthat's why you wrote a story about it.
why is it important + obvious that babel be of irish descent? how does he reveal this?
"per say" is "per se," although this may be intentional, to show an affectation of character.
very fun to read, a little quick to end. i do like the transition that takes place before the ending, that's a great comedic beat.
Mike - arcismeschanneling an inner C-3PO?
really liked this. definitely been a good week for you if the rest of your output is up to this standard.
story's not resolved and doesn't really stand on its own as a short. despite this, the characters were fully realized and could easily sustain a much longer piece. focus on them, their personalities, histories, desires, the way these things clash. each one of these people is propulsive. find more to make them unique, tics and charms.
how does their journey resolve? how do they change? what do they learn, lose, gain, reveal to each other?
tbh, if i read this snippet in a bookstore i'd be itching to bring the full book home.
Tangent - cute fable. i'd like some larger recognition from jane about what her lifestyle + family mean to her, when she decides not to go with the pretty ducks. consider having her run into them again, so she can see how the city has damaged them. right now the narrator is forced to switch from limited third person to omniscient in order to give us info. we could be given this in a more natural way, that also allows for more interaction + display of character.
Tim - well-written. good, expressive behavior and dialogue. not sure what's up with the middle section or how it fits into the big picture. we don't get going until we return to the smuggling frame. though the middle is enjoyable, it functions as set dressing and does not obviously connect to a greater theme. i enjoyed reading it, and actually prefer the middle part to the more dramatic action of the frame.
Ashes - strong beginning, great voice. a bit difficult to follow the criss-crossing relationships and times. the most touching entry this round. really nice exploration of love in a long term relationship. this is one of my favorites from you. in the words of donald trump, "just terrific."
Cyan - strong character, dialogue, intrigue. personalities distinct and charming. doesn't resolve nicelyseems to signify something bigger. to improve it as a short, consider revealing something more about the narrator, what he discovers about the world, himself. what does hashur mean for him?
clear throughout, with reasoned action and a strong sense of place.
Ward - "what does it matter he thinks to himself"how does this translate to screen?
tense, but relies a little much on a twist to color what we've seen. if you give us that info up front we are put in an even more uncomfortable position, which would be great for hooking us even more.
Nezumi - charming. nice and light. wish it would have ended differently. i want carl to make it. until the sour ending i imagined this as an eric carle board book (pitch it, maybe).
Tim the Wiz
Banned
1. Cyan
2. Crunched
3. Tangent
HM: Ashes
I'll add my critiques later. There's some really promising drafts and ideas amongst these entries.
2. Crunched
3. Tangent
HM: Ashes
I'll add my critiques later. There's some really promising drafts and ideas amongst these entries.
Heh, actually the etymology of the names were stupid inside jokes that only I get.
Tristan was a knight of legend that slew a dragon. Tristan became Tri-Stan became Tri-Steve, became Tristeve.
Archimedes is Merlin's owl in he Sword and the Stone. Arch became Arc, and med became sm, as in abbreviations for clothing sizes.
Archimedes is Merlin's owl in he Sword and the Stone. Arch became Arc, and med became sm, as in abbreviations for clothing sizes.
Ahaha, that's awesome! I assumed it was an Archimedes reference, but I definitely didn't catch that transformation.
Your owl made me think of Bubou from the older, 1980's version of Clash of Titans.
Ashes, so cool that you're putting your work out there. Keep it up!
The rest: I really like the idea of having a GAF for some sort of literary collection. I've wondered about this for a long time. A lot of your guys' stuff is really polished already. I wonder if there could be "themes" or something too.
Wow some great entries. I read most of these in the car, which makes me carsick, my focus wasn't the best.
Here are my votes nevertheless:
1. Tim the Wiz (Such a great entry, but I'm also just excited to see Tim the Wiz back!)
2. Nezumi
3. Cyan
hm. Crunched, Flowers, Ashes, MikeM.... hell, all of these were so good. I wish I could put 3 entries in each 1st and 2nd and 3rd place votes. Really. Wanted to list everyone. Voting is HARD!
So...... I'm just happy that I actually got through all the entries this time since I wasn't doing that. I'll get back to actually providing quality feedback like y'all do soon.
The rest: I really like the idea of having a GAF for some sort of literary collection. I've wondered about this for a long time. A lot of your guys' stuff is really polished already. I wonder if there could be "themes" or something too.
I hear you.... I think my main line of interest has deviated from short story writing a bit, but I like to stick to these challenges because I feel like it forces me to learn a bit of discipline. And I hope it generalizes to the areas that I'm trying to focus on now.
Yeah IDK I was trying to get at "flight" in some sort, and maybe "flight" metaphorically too. I really dislike the title. I was also thinking of "Where the Grass is Greener." In actuality, I would have liked to see Jane be a bit more conflicted. I'm such a conflicted person myself, and I'm very easily wooed by places where the grass may be greener, so I would have appreciated seeing Jane struggle in the same way, and see her not feeling grounded at all. That damn Jane, so sure of herself! Yeah haha I like the idea of people being glamorous in their shitty lives, too.
Wow thanks for the feedback, some really good points. I wonder how I could have made the narration expose the bigger picture a bit more. I also wondered if I should have had one of the pretty and petty ducks wonder what the hell he's doing in his flock, and he leaves his flock to join the plain (plus Jane) ducks in the cold Midwest. I was especially wedded to adopting that quote from Romans in the New Testament, where Paul says something like "I do what I don't want to do and I do what I hate." I just didn't know how. But I can certainly relate to Paul.
Wow some great entries. I read most of these in the car, which makes me carsick, my focus wasn't the best.
Here are my votes nevertheless:
1. Tim the Wiz (Such a great entry, but I'm also just excited to see Tim the Wiz back!)
2. Nezumi
3. Cyan
hm. Crunched, Flowers, Ashes, MikeM.... hell, all of these were so good. I wish I could put 3 entries in each 1st and 2nd and 3rd place votes. Really. Wanted to list everyone. Voting is HARD!
So...... I'm just happy that I actually got through all the entries this time since I wasn't doing that. I'll get back to actually providing quality feedback like y'all do soon.
I don't think I've ever seen the movie all the way through, but I'd be lying if it weren't at least a partial inspiration.
Axelhortsemchi
Member
Thanks for the reviews and comments. Yeah, I can already tell that writing sillier pieces is going to be rough. Since that's what I'm in the mood to write 90% of the time, I've got my work cut out for me . You guys who talked about visual gags being hard in text form are spot on. When I got near the end, I was struggling to think of what to make the other two associates look like, so to carry on with the crowd being oblivious to how blatantly evil they are, I went with what was essentially Emperor Palpatine and the Devil. In hindsight, that does lead to a bit of inconsistency for Mercer without further elaboration, doesn't it?
Anyway, votes:
1. Flowers
2. Mike M
3. Cyan
. You guys who talked about visual gags being hard in text form are spot on. When I got near the end, I was struggling to think of what to make the other two associates look like, so to carry on with the crowd being oblivious to how blatantly evil they are, I went with what was essentially Emperor Palpatine and the Devil. In hindsight, that does lead to a bit of inconsistency for Mercer without further elaboration, doesn't it?Anyway, votes:
1. Flowers
2. Mike M
3. Cyan
The thing is, you were quite close in other parts of your story. I really liked the scene where you were describing employees doing lines of coke and listening to music, getting pumped up. If you could translate that kind of imagery to the final scene, then you would have had something. It is hard to translate an image from the tv to words and make it exciting, when you are just quoting verbatim what was said.Thanks for the reviews and comments. Yeah, I can already tell that writing sillier pieces is going to be rough. Since that's what I'm in the mood to write 90% of the time, I've got my work cut out for me
Votes:
1, Crunched - "Things I Done" - Nailed it. Great structure, great character, great use of the theme. The initial scene sort of misled me into thinking this story was about the MC and the girl he was with. Might've helped to have something else involving the dog but not the girl before that scene to set expectations properly.
2. Tim the Wiz - "Marrakech Nador Sea" - That last line sealed it. Nice work. Something about the way the flashback starts up was slightly jarring for me.
3. Ashes - "The Astronaut" - The central idea, and the expression of it, is really lovely. Lot of great characters as always. Sometimes the voice of the piece clashed with the word choices.
1, Crunched - "Things I Done" - Nailed it. Great structure, great character, great use of the theme. The initial scene sort of misled me into thinking this story was about the MC and the girl he was with. Might've helped to have something else involving the dog but not the girl before that scene to set expectations properly.
2. Tim the Wiz - "Marrakech Nador Sea" - That last line sealed it. Nice work. Something about the way the flashback starts up was slightly jarring for me.
3. Ashes - "The Astronaut" - The central idea, and the expression of it, is really lovely. Lot of great characters as always. Sometimes the voice of the piece clashed with the word choices.
You'd get your story published in a physical or (more usually) online magazine or periodical. People send in stories, they pick their favorites from the slush pile, agree to a contract, and then publish.
There are tons of such markets for short stories. For genre fiction there are several tiers based on how much they pay: pro, semi-pro, and non-paying. Though these tiers aren't everything; some magazines have more prestige than better-paying ones based on respect for the editor or awards etc.
When I'm sending stuff out, my process sort of goes like this:
-edit the story based on gaf critiques and any additional thoughts I might've had
-send through my critique group and get their comments
-edit again based on those comments
-possibly sit on for further editing if I'm not satisfied
-go to the top of my list of markets, make sure the story fits any word length or content criteria, send it to them
-wait
-wait a while longer
-get back a polite note that they don't want to buy my story
-go the next market on my list, do it all again
-repeat until the story sells or I run out of markets that I'm willing to submit to (I'm picky, I pretty much just want to publish in pro markets)
I'm not doing it at the moment because I've gotten lazy, but it's not hard once you've got a process down. It can be a little draining to get rejection notes though. Note that there isn't an additional editing step in there between getting a rejection note and sending the story out again. The idea is that when you start sending it out, you're done with all that. If you notice something totally wrong that desperately needs to be changed, ok. But if you just want to fiddle with word choices... nah, don't.
You should consider it.
Ok, guess we're all wrapped up.
The Results:
1st Place: Cyan - "The Necromancer"
2nd Place: Crunched - "Things I Done"
3rd Place: Tim the Wiz - "Marrakech Nador Sea"
Vote Count:
Cyan - 17 (2)
Crunched - 16 (4)
Tim the Wiz - 8 (2)
FlowersisBritish - 7 (2)
Ashes - 7 (1)
Mike M - 5
Tangent - 4
Nezumi - 2
Doesn't get much closer than that!
The Results:
1st Place: Cyan - "The Necromancer"
2nd Place: Crunched - "Things I Done"
3rd Place: Tim the Wiz - "Marrakech Nador Sea"
Vote Count:
Cyan - 17 (2)
Crunched - 16 (4)
Tim the Wiz - 8 (2)
FlowersisBritish - 7 (2)
Ashes - 7 (1)
Mike M - 5
Tangent - 4
Nezumi - 2
Doesn't get much closer than that!
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Cyan, you're bad at counting, Tim the Wiz got more than me. Can we really trust this kind of shoddy calculator? I call for a revote!
Ah, also before I forget again, I just want to propose a hard counter in philosophy from Cyan.
Not saying he's wrong, but it just fills me with a need to elaborate as to why I fiddle with my little word choices. With each of my many edit passthroughs of some stories, I change a little something. Usually something small. sometimes I change something back. Sometimes it's just a well hidden typo(as I am prone to many). I really believe each time, it makes it a little better, even if it's by inches. Art is inherently imperfect, perfection is something that can never be reached. I disagree, I think I can make something perfect, even if it's just to me. Then again, I'm kind of crazy, and hold onto a lot of things that are probably better let go. Still, I've never really thought of that as an inherently bad quality either. Again, not saying I'm amazing, or Cyan is offering bad advice. Just felt the need to talk a little in the opposite direction.
Congratulations... again. On a pretty good streak here, eh?
Ah, also before I forget again, I just want to propose a hard counter in philosophy from Cyan.
Not saying he's wrong, but it just fills me with a need to elaborate as to why I fiddle with my little word choices. With each of my many edit passthroughs of some stories, I change a little something. Usually something small. sometimes I change something back. Sometimes it's just a well hidden typo(as I am prone to many). I really believe each time, it makes it a little better, even if it's by inches. Art is inherently imperfect, perfection is something that can never be reached. I disagree, I think I can make something perfect, even if it's just to me. Then again, I'm kind of crazy, and hold onto a lot of things that are probably better let go. Still, I've never really thought of that as an inherently bad quality either. Again, not saying I'm amazing, or Cyan is offering bad advice. Just felt the need to talk a little in the opposite direction.
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