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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #15 - "Prescient"

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I

Iceman

Member
Theme - "Prescient"

Literal? Metaphorical? This can mean whatever you want it to mean. Have fun! [also, see next post for an Optional Secondary Objective]

Word Limit: 1400.

Submission Deadline: Wednesday, 10/01 by 11:59 PM Pacific.

Voting begins Thursday, 10/02, and goes until Saturday, 10/04 at 11:59 PM Pacific

Submission Guidelines:

- All submissions must be written during the time of the challenge. We don't want a snippet of your doctoral thesis from 1996 being used here.
- One entry per poster. You can submit and then edit if you'd like, but finalizing before submitting is encouraged.
- Spelling and Grammatical errors can be used to great effect when the story, characters, and setting demand it. However, proofreading and spell-checking your writing will probably result in a more positive attitude towards it when people are voting.
- Using the topic as the title of your piece is discouraged. These challenges get a large number of submissions and if entries share the same title, it's difficult for the readers to separate them out come voting time.
- Any writing style is welcome, but remember that most people are probably going to vote for the well written short story over an elementary acrostic poem.
- There are many ways to interpret the theme for this assignment, we are all writers or wannabe writers, so keep that in mind when writing and critiquing others' works.
- Thousands of people read GAF, so if you don't want some masterpiece of yours to be stolen and seen in Hollywood a year from now, don't post it on here.
- Finally, there is a handy word count checker at www.wordcounttool.com. Nobody wants to be a word count nazi, but please keep your submission under the limit.

Voting Guidelines:

- Anyone can vote, even those that do not submit a piece during the thread.
- Three votes per voter. Please denote in your voting your 1st (3 pts), 2nd (2 pts), and 3rd (1 pt) place votes.
- Please read all submissions before voting, it is only fair to those who put in the effort.
- You must vote in order to be eligible to win the challenge. Critiques/comments are encouraged but not required.
- When the voting period ends, votes will be tallied and the winner will get a collective pat on the back and will be in charge of picking a new topic to write about and pick the word length.
- In the event of a tie, the story with the highest number of first place votes will be declared the winner. If they are still tied after this first tiebreaker, the previous challenge winner will decide any further tie-breaking measures (2nd Place votes, Joint Topic Choice, etc.)

Previous Challenges:

#1 - "The Things Unseen" (Winner: beelzebozo)
#2 - "An Unlikely Pair" (Winner: Aaron)
#3 - "weightless, breathless" (Winner: Azih)
#4 - "On the way" (Winner: DumbNameD)
#5 - "The End" (Winner: Cyan)
#6 - "Playing with Fire" (Winner: Aaron)
#7 - "Something Brutal" (Winner: Ronito)
#8 - "Parasite and Host" (Winner: Aaron)
#9 - "The Seasons" (Winner: ivysaur12)
#10 - "Anniversary" (Winner: Memles
#11 - "Comedy" (Winner: Scribble)
#12 - "The Trilogy" (Winner: Aaron)
#13 - "Impossible Thing" (Winner: Cyan)
#14 - "Lost and Found" (Winner: Iceman)

Entries (Reminder, voting ends Saturday, 10/04 at midnight PST)

Motion Picture Soundtrack - The Fall of Foresight Corp.
Cryptozoologist - I Deserved It
ronito - The Teller of Fortunes
Timedog - The Importance of Inanimate Objects
nitewulf - The Human Element
Aaron - Future Proof
RumpledForeskin - It's Abstract
bbsting120 - Fear of Falling
fulsome - The Mighty Counter
Cyan - Snow
crowphoenix - Listen
DumbNameD - A Day in the Life of Natalie, Precognitive Demonspawn
Iceman - The number 10
 
I

Iceman

Member
Optional secondary objective: maximizing modifier effectiveness (by minimizing their use).

From fictionwriting at about.com:

While modifiers -- adjectives and adverbs -- can add to a story, too many, or the wrong ones, can bog down your prose and lead to weaker nouns and verbs.

'Beware of reliance on common modifiers such as "pretty," "little," and "very." Strunk and White in "The Elements of Style" are particularly ruthless when it comes to these types of overused qualifiers, referring to them as "The leeches that infest the pond of prose, sucking the blood of words."'

'Mark Twain once said (about modifiers) "When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them -- then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice."'

So for this challenge, try to minimize your use of modifiers. It will strengthen the few you do choose to keep and it should help keep your story zipping along.
 
C

crowphoenix

Banned
4 dictionary results for: Prescient
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source - Share This
pre·science /ˈprɛʃəns, -iəns, ˈpriʃəns, -ʃiəns/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[presh-uhns, -ee-uhns, pree-shuhns, -shee-uhns] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
knowledge of things before they exist or happen; foreknowledge; foresight.
Click to expand...

Because I'm an idiot.

And, I like it!

Edit: and that secondary objective is going to kill me. :lol
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Dictionary.com? Psssh. I Bad Religion'd:

Its a matter of prescience--no, not the science fiction kind
Its all about ignorance, and greed, and miracles for the blind
The media parading, disjointed politics
Founded on petrochemical plunder, and we're its hostages
Click to expand...
Interesting. I wonder what kind of stories we'll get for this one?

Love the secondary objective. I'm a huge Strunk & White fan. "Omit needless words!"
 
C

crowphoenix

Banned
I have never even heard of Bad Religion. Well, I've heard of the band, but not the site. I'll have to check it out when I get off work.
 
M

Motion Picture Soundtrack

Member
As I've tended to write serious first person stories most of my life I decided to do the opposite here. Not sure how I feel about the actual story, but I'm glad I had a chance to get some practice in.

The Fall of Foresight Corp.

Norman knew he was not supposed to have entered the building, and as he approached the desk, the alarmed look of the lady behind it confirmed his suspicions. Without taking her eyes off him, she leaned forward, tapped a button on her computer, and spoke into a microphone resting by her arm.

“Uh, we’ve got a problem here Ted.”

Truth be told Norman hadn’t the faintest idea how this was going to pan out, but then again, if he did, he wouldn’t have to be there in the first place. This was a concept he was struggling to wrap his head around, and he didn’t have higher hopes about understanding what was about to happen either.

Foresight Corp. had been supplying every citizen in the country with their patented Monthly Foresight Translator at a low cost for a few years now – a device that, when used on a person, would take into consideration their personality, age, health, tastes and many other factors, afterwards juxtaposing that data with everyone else’s to determine exactly what was going to happen in their life that month. Various studies had been conducted, and all of them confirmed the device to be completely accurate 100% of the time.. Luckily for Foresight Corp, the MFT would predict that their customers would purchase another of their devices at the end of each month, and luckily for the customers, their MFTs predicted that Foresight Corp. would soon be introducing an easy to pay annual subscription for their product. Who were they to contradict their own destiny?

“Yes, erm, hello there, my name is Norman Walker. This is – I,”

Norman stuttered for a moment while the lady continued to stare blankly at him. He wasn’t used to not knowing what to say.

“My Foresight machine is broken,” he finally managed to verbalise.

The woman tapped swiftly on her keyboard, but didn’t bother to look at the screen.

“You don’t have an appointment,” the woman responded after a slight hesitation.

“No, no you’re right. I’d like to make an appointment please.”

“Our system has no record of you wanting to make an appointment today. I'm afraid you can't make an appointment unless you planned to make one today.”

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"Look, whatever you planned to do today would have been entered into our records, and we don't have any record of you planning to make an appointment with us today, so I'm afraid we don't have the time to see you."

“No, I know, that’s because my machine is broken. I got my new one delivered today, but when I started it up it was just completely blank, so I didn't know what my plans for today were.”

Finally, the woman broke her gaze from Norman and switched it to the computer.

“It says here you were supposed to play tennis today.”

Norman considered this for a moment, stroking his chin.

“Hmm, yes, now that you mention it, I did feel like playing tennis today.”

“But you didn’t.”

“But I didn’t, yes. And I’m here instead.”

“How odd,” the woman said, raising an eyebrow.

At that moment, Norman noticed the open slit in the doorway behind the desk, and consequently, the beady pair of eyes glaring at him nervously from within. Realising he had been noticed, the owner of the eyes quickly slammed the door, and then a second later opened it again, this time wearing a pair of large sunglasses to hide his gaze.

“Hello?” Norman exclaimed in the man’s direction.

Realising his disguise had been foiled, the man emerged from the doorway, revealing himself to be dressed in overalls and covered in what Norman hoped to be red paint.

“This is Ted,” the lady told Norman. “He’s the manager of this department.”

The short, stout man was quick to refuse Norman’s handshake.

“You’re not supposed to be here,” he said, racing the words out of his mouth.

“Well no, but –“

“I’m not supposed to be here either,” Ted interrupted. “I’m painting now.”

”I understand that you’re busy, but –“

“No. Not busy. I’m talking with you. I’m not supposed to be.”

“Yes, this is rather strange, I know, I’ve never heard of an MFT malfunctioning before“

“Impossible.”

“Sorry?”

“The computers didn’t foresee any products malfunctioning in this month. Not possible.”

“I don’t think we’re getting anywhere with this.”

“Are you sure you’re not dreaming?” the woman at the desk asked out of nowhere. “We’ve yet to produce technology that accurately predicts the entire content of a dream.”

“I’m quite sure, ye-OW.”

Ted stood back and surveyed the area as Norman clutched his arm tightly.

“Hmm, no, not a dream.”

Irked by the way he had been treated so far, Norman decided to leave.

“Perhaps I should bring my MFT device here for you to take a look at. I don’t live too far away, I shouldn’t be long.”

Stepping out of the building, the sound of Ted faintly muttering incomprehensibly in the background, Norman tried to consider the consequences this fiasco could have on his life as he walked down the street, but wasn’t sure in what way to go about doing so.

Norman passed many people on his walk, and every single one of them instantly froze as they saw him and then exploded into a panic, creating a chain reaction of hysteria as others saw them acting out of their MFT’s calculations. Attempting to distract himself from the madness around him, Norman looked to the tennis courts in the distance, where everyone would be too busy playing to notice him. As he gradually moved closer, he noticed one man standing alone on a court looking rather confused and scratching his head with his racquet.

It was rather funny, he thought, that the only person who didn’t know their future was the only one who could change it.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Scribble said:
I think that's the reason that the last thread did so well. Cyan worked (extremely =P) hard.
:D
Click to expand...
You have no idea. ;)

And hey, we've already got a story submitted! That was quick.

dragonlife29 said:
All right, I'm in.
Click to expand...
Yes, I thought you might be. In fact, you might say... I saw it coming. :)
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Motion Picture Soundtrack said:
The Fall of Foresight Corp.
Click to expand...
I like it. It's a clever idea, and it's fairly well written. But then the last line hits us over the head with the point of the story, which really we should be able to figure out on our own. Aside from that though, nice.
 
I

Iceman

Member
Help me decide, GAF: I could fall back on an old idea I had that's set more in the modern, real world or I could go with a futuristic sci-fi premise that I'm still trying to develop.

The sci-fi story would be unfamiliar territory for me and the modern tale would be more something that's been brewing in my brain pan for over a decade. Neither are terribly original ideas but I could have fun writing either one.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Well, this theme sort of lends itself to sci-fi, so we might see a lot of those stories. In light of that, you might want to do something slightly different. Or... you might not. :)

crowphoenix said:
I think I have an idea, but I'm at work. Any bets on how long it takes me to forget the idea?
Click to expand...
Heh, this is why I bring a pocket notebook to work now.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Heh, looks like doomed1 is banned again. Unless he's one of those magic people with a "banned" tag.

Seems like a lot of our regulars miss challenges due to banning... this is why you never go to the Dark Side of the forum, guys! At least, I'm assuming that's how he got banned.
 
A

Aaron

Member
Okay, I've got an idea... after many, many false starts. And no it's not about predicting Mike Works will the next to be banned. That'd be too easy!
 
R

ronito

Member
Cyan said:
Well, this theme sort of lends itself to sci-fi, so we might see a lot of those stories. In light of that, you might want to do something slightly different. Or... you might not. :)
Click to expand...
I had this really great idea for a sci-fi story but this post has made me rethink.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
ronito said:
I had this really great idea for a sci-fi story but this post has made me rethink.
Click to expand...
Hey, if your idea is good, stick with it. I wouldn't worry that much about what others are doing.
 
A

Aaron

Member
Mine isn't really sci-fi. At most, it's in the Phillip K. Dick style of minor futuristic element in a otherwise normal world.
 
C

crowphoenix

Banned
In order to bump the thread, I'll ramble more about uselessl stuff.

I think I've found the setting, and set up for my story. Now I've just got to find the voice and the point, but that will come to me later. I imagine this one will be a bit tricky to write as I haven't really dealt with this kind of setting and some people in this thread would do it better, but it'll be fun to try.
 
R

ronito

Member
Cyan said:
Hey, if your idea is good, stick with it. I wouldn't worry that much about what others are doing.
Click to expand...
Ah, but my whole motto in life is if you're going to bother to do something, do it better than everyone else or do it in a new way. I know I can't write better than everyone here, besides I like the new.
 
I

Iceman

Member
I'm finding my story, at least the short story form of it, is better suited to a screenplay style format. The method of storytelling that I think best suits the combination of density of background and the here-and-now action is intercutting between two different scenes separated by time. (i.e., scene 1 is in the past, talking about the nature of the premonition and scene 2 is in the present as the action in that premonition is taking place.)

Does anyone have any suggestions on good examples of how this can be written in a short story/novel format?
 
W

Wanace

Member
I just wrote this over the course of the past couple of hours. Not sure how good it is, but I really wanted to participate in the Creative Writing Challenge for a while now and since my girlfriend and I are about to break up it seemed to be as good a time as any.

I Deserved It

“You’re going to die today.”

I sit straight up in bed. My wife turns over, her back gleaming golden under late-morning sunlight. The voice isn’t hers. There is no one else in our studio apartment. I hear an elevated train screeching to a halt in the distance, traffic sounds constant on the street below. My heart pounds, stomach floats, head spins. I have to get a grip. I stand up. I feel the carpet beneath my toes, the ground is solid, and my mind steadies.

It was only a dream.

I shower quickly, steam rising and replacing the fog of sleep. Towel goes around my waist. I step out of the bathroom, and she’s turned over again. She’s on her back now, the crest of her breasts barely hidden beneath the sheets. Fucking cow. I want her to leave me, but she won’t, and I can’t afford to live in the city without her. We sleep together in this rat’s nest and then we venture outside, spending nearly every waking minute apart.

I crack two eggs into a frying pan and turn on the burner. Wheat bread in the toaster, golden, the way I like it, with real butter, not that soy trickery that she uses. She stirs at the smell and sound of kitchen activity, just as she has every morning for the past two years. God forbid she drags her carcass out of bed to cook for herself. I’m sick of it all.

“What are you making?” She acts as if she doesn’t know. I’ve eaten the same thing practically every day since we moved in together. I decide to be an asshole. I’m bold.

“What does it look like?” I don’t take my eyes off the eggs. I don’t even look at her. Now she’ll ask me if she can have some.

“Mind making me a couple of eggs?” She yawns. It’s an exaggerated yawn. It’s supposed to melt my granite heart. What a ridiculous way to score some eggs.

“I’m in a bit of a rush. I’ve got a lot to do today.” I’m lying. I’ll go to the café and buy a small coffee. Then I’ll sit there all day and refill it from my thermos. I’ll position the receipt on the table next to my laptop so they don’t ask me to leave. Instead of writing I’ll post on the several message boards I frequent. The local dating ads will catch my eye and I’ll browse but never contact anyone. I might grab a bite to eat and have a few drinks at the tavern before returning home, late.

“Oh, alright. I guess I’ll just grab a bagel on the way to the gym.” She pecks me on the cheek and heads into the bathroom. I want to be gone by the time she’s done in there. The toast pops up and I skip the butter. I put the eggs between the slices and take a bite. Ten minutes later and I’m gone.

I head to the café and as predicted, I spend the morning and early afternoon rambling through Internet backwaters, accomplishing nothing. I pop out and have a hot dog from a street vendor before walking down to the lakeshore and staring out across the blue. Gulls swoop down and eat the chaff left behind by the tourists before scattering on the approach of some joggers. I watch from my bench as the sun sets behind me, scattering orange rays over the shivering swells of the lake. Darkness falls and the tavern calls.

So I go. I sit at the bar eating peanuts and watching my team play on the television. I start with a beer but quickly switch to Jack and Coke. I start thinking of the dream again. It was a voice. It was still ringing in my ears when I sat up in bed. I drown the thoughts with another glass of booze. The game’s over. It’s late. She should be in bed by now. Less confrontation that way. I pay my tab and head out the door.

I put the key in the door and enter. The lights are off. She must be asleep. I kick off my shoes and head for the bathroom.

A sudden sharp pain hits me in the back, followed by another. I cry out in shock. I spin around. She’s got a knife in her hand.

“What the fuck?” That’s all I can manage. A feeble exclamation. I barely notice the tears streaming down her cheeks. She’s sobbing.

“Baby, why?” I’m crying myself now. I sound pathetic. I tell myself to get it together, but I’m feeling weak. Something’s wrong. I drop to my knees; I roll to the floor. I look at her again. She’s moaning like a banshee, sitting on the bed. She drops the knife. The blade has a dull shine; I realize it’s slick with my blood. I don’t know what to do. I stay as still as possible, counting my breaths. She’ll dial 911 and help will come. The carpet is wet. My hands are warm and sticky. I glance up again and she’s still there shaking on the bed. I want to shout at her but my breaths are quick, short. I can’t summon the energy to speak.

I shake my head but my vision tunnels. The room is dark but I can still see something even blacker closing in. I close my eyes.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
Iceman said:
I'm finding my story, at least the short story form of it, is better suited to a screenplay style format. The method of storytelling that I think best suits the combination of density of background and the here-and-now action is intercutting between two different scenes separated by time. (i.e., scene 1 is in the past, talking about the nature of the premonition and scene 2 is in the present as the action in that premonition is taking place.)

Does anyone have any suggestions on good examples of how this can be written in a short story/novel format?
Click to expand...
How about italics for the portions set in the past? I vaguely remember seeing something done that way before, and it seemed effective.

You know something like this:


Iceman looked down at his iPhone and wondered whether or not he should answer the call. Or perhaps listen to music or browse the web or some other iPhoney thing.

*

Iceman's dad looked down at the telephone, sitting in its cradle, and wondered whether or not he should answer the call. Or perhaps wander out to the living room and turn on his brand new color television set.

*

Iceman picked up the phone. "Dad?"
 
I

Iceman

Member
Cyan said:
How about italics for the portions set in the past? I vaguely remember seeing something done that way before, and it seemed effective.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the tip. I'll try it out.
 
S

Scribble

Member
I've got my idea, and I've actually written most of it (honest!). I've been trying to do the 'write three pages of whatever the heck you want every morning' thing, in order to improve my writing stamina and it's kinda paying off.
 
I

Iceman

Member
Woah. Writing stamina exercises? I never woulda thought of doing that.

Although I have heard Paul Haggis, my favorite screenplay writer (I know, hiss, boo, crash sucks), say that he forces himself to write at least 5 pages of script per day, no matter what.

That's intense. I know it sounds doable, but I tried it during NanoWrimo and that was a hell of a commitment, especially when absolutely nothing inspired is forming in your brain.

I do have to start treating writing like more of a craft, and less of a sporadic hobby. That's why I like these challenges so much. It keeps my mind on writing every day at the least and it's a rare day that I'm not writing notes into my sketch pad about a story idea.
 
S

Scribble

Member
I got it from this book called The Artist's Way, which advises you to write three pages EVERY morning, and go on an "Artist's Date" (Do something recreational that's supposed to help cultivate your inner artist...or something spiritual like that) once a week. A lot of it self-help kind of stuff, and a lot of it doesn't apply to me, but I still (try to) follow the three pages advice =)

How far did you get during NanoWrimo last year? I started out well but fizzled out after about a week because I found that my story was lacking to the point where it didn't feel like a piece of fiction, but a void with the occasional word floating around here and there (I even tried to pad it out using made-up creation myths! =X).
 
C

crowphoenix

Banned
Iceman said:
Woah. Writing stamina exercises? I never woulda thought of doing that.

Although I have heard Paul Haggis, my favorite screenplay writer (I know, hiss, boo, crash sucks), say that he forces himself to write at least 5 pages of script per day, no matter what.

That's intense. I know it sounds doable, but I tried it during NanoWrimo and that was a hell of a commitment, especially when absolutely nothing inspired is forming in your brain.

I do have to start treating writing like more of a craft, and less of a sporadic hobby. That's why I like these challenges so much. It keeps my mind on writing every day at the least and it's a rare day that I'm not writing notes into my sketch pad about a story idea.
Click to expand...

I just to do two single spaced typed pages a day. It wasn't too hard. Took about an hour and then I was done. Later I'd come back and see if it was of any worth at all. I really miss those days. I need to get back to that. Of course, there were the bad days, but hey.

I'm fleshing out my idea more and more. And liking it more and more. I might think about turning it into something greater later one.
 
R

ronito

Member
Scribble said:
I got it from this book called The Artist's Way, which advises you to write three pages EVERY morning, and go on an "Artist's Date" (Do something recreational that's supposed to help cultivate your inner artist...or something spiritual like that) once a week. A lot of it self-help kind of stuff, and a lot of it doesn't apply to me, but I still (try to) follow the three pages advice =)

How far did you get during NanoWrimo last year? I started out well but fizzled out after about a week because I found that my story was lacking to the point where it didn't feel like a piece of fiction, but a void with the occasional word floating around here and there (I even tried to pad it out using made-up creation myths! =X).
Click to expand...
I remember when I was in high school I took the advanced English class. The teacher walked in 5 minutes late and said, "Write me a six page paper due at the end of the hour as to what you think the biggest problem in the US is. If you don't finish you'll be kicked out of the class." Man I barely made it, but I was glad that was over. Next class he came in late again and said, "Now write me a 5 page paper about why you were wrong. Due at the end of the hour. If you can't finish or you can't convince me, you're out." That kind of stuff went on for about 3 weeks. The class that started with nearly 60 students was pared down to about a dozen. I hated that man. It wasn't until college that I found out I should've thanked him. Taught me an awful lot.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
I've never been a big fan of stream-of-consciousness writing, although the three-page idea sounds interesting.

When it comes to that sort of thing, I love Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird, though. Her chapter on shitty first drafts enabled me to actually write without constant second-guessing.

Oh, and NaNoWriMo may be a big commitment, but it's totally worth it.

P.S. I've never heard of writing stamina. It makes us sound so much more manly.
 
C

crowphoenix

Banned
I think I need to read that book. I have a pretty tough time dealing when my rough drafts suck (Hello there OCD. Now back in the trunk). So much so that I have paniced and trashed huge sections of work. I regret that, but then hey. I'd like to try NaNoWriMo this year, and think I may try to extend the character I'm about to write on into it- might be fun.
 
S

Scribble

Member
ronito said:
demonic teacher
Click to expand...
Wow, so he actually went through with kicking students out? Is that even allowed?

crowphoenix said:
. I'd like to try NaNoWriMo this year, and think I may try to extend the character I'm about to write on into it- might be fun.
Click to expand...

My NanoWrimo '08 attempt will be a giant crossover story, starring characters from all of my short stories (Including GAF challenge ones). Sort of like a Dark Tower, or Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicles thing.

I'm going to order that Bird by Bird book, btw.
 
R

ronito

Member
Scribble said:
Wow, so he actually went through with kicking students out? Is that even allowed?
Click to expand...
He called them pre-requisites. Since it was an advanced class he held onto his right to accept only the most advanced students the other students went to other classes, just not his. I think it actually worked well.
 
C

crowphoenix

Banned
Teachers that hard are so frustrating and difficult that it takes a long time to figure out how much they helped you. I had a couple teachers like that, but no where near that level.
 
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