• Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.

NeoGAF's Poetry Corner - #54: Beneath the Surface

Status
Not open for further replies.
E

Esiquio

Member
NeoGAF's Poetry Corner - #54: Beneath the Surface

y7yeD.jpg


Theme: "Beneath the Surface"

“All art is at once surface and symbol. Those who go beneath the surface do so at their peril.” - Oscar Wilde

“Character is like the foundation of a house - it is below the surface.” - Unknown

“Truth is a gem that is found at a great depth; whilst on the surface of this world, all things are weighed by the false scale of custom” - Lord Byron

-------

Optional Secondary Objective: "Verse fable"

"The fable is an ancient literary genre, often (though not invariably) set in verse. It is a succinct story that features anthropomorphized animals, plants, inanimate objects, or forces of nature that illustrate a moral lesson (a "moral"). Verse fables have used a variety of meter and rhyme patterns." - Wikipedia

-------

Submission Deadline (PDT):

t1342854000z4.png


Voting Deadline (PDT):

t1343026800z4.png


Note: The deadline normally runs over the course of the submission deadline weekend.

-------

* Rules
* Archives - Part 1
* Archives - Part 2
* Previous Challenges: #1 to #52
* OP Template

-------

Last thread: NeoGAF's Poetry Corner - #53: Tomorrow's World
 
R

Red

Member
Regular Whore


She will keep her secret until the day she dies:
Her deceiver's mouth and hair done in lies,
alone down at the corner red light,
safe in the blanket of the street lamp nightlight.
(soft in the halo of her moonlight)​

A handsome man comes passing by,
his hair slicked back,
his mouth awry.
He slips a smile so charming.
(like a jackal's snarling warning)​

She flirts with her skirt and motions to the door,
with a hand on her breast like a regular whore.

Her face looks back as a reflection,
the quiver in her lips avoids detection.
She sees a shadow in the glimmer of her eye:

(the father she wished once would've died
in place of her mother
in the cold blue sky

but now that he's affected
by the wish that she's erected
her heart leaks love from every side
and she'll do all she can to keep him alive)
​
Her hands are strong.
(stronger still, her will to carry on)​
She looks past that shadow in her eye:

(mother, father, smiling on a hill
one little girl smiling wider still
rapt, she swears --
though their wealth is debt and bills --
in sunlight that will forever spill)​

She bundles up that light
And holds it all inside.
(but in the dark she's dripping diamonds from her eyes)​

He enters:
"You're the one I've been waiting for," she tells him,
leaned askew on the jamb of the door,
awash in strange light
like a regular whore.
 
R

Red

Member
This is a second poem just for fun. It is not intended to be an entry, just a little goof.


Schrodinger


she doesn't know what it is,
but she knows what it will never be,
that sullied little bounty of her belly:

a smiling child,
this sapless seed.
one pure thing
without want, without need.

when she called she'd said,
"we need to talk, you and i."
so happy that their love had come to life.

but he sat down in his suit and jacket,
and he told her,
"look,
dear,
i don't have time but for a second."

and the word came out,
sweet as could be,
and he stared at her in blank misery.

"look,
dear,
a kid don't work for me."
(her heart falls)
"so get rid of it,
that thing, before it grows.
you'd do it if you loved me."

she sits now with her back on the cold,
cold cushion of the hearse,
watching a masked nurse
hand a vacuum to the doctor,
a little dirt devil thing.

it's all like dust,
she thinks.
just dust
at the bottom of a box
at the bottom of a cage
at the bottom of the bottom of the bottom of a grave
within my guts,
just a little bit of rust and now
all gone,
swept up,
all gone away,
so i can show him that i love him
and hope that he'll love me someday.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
landscape,countryside,field,meadow,nature,summer-9fb32ad4b65921409514fe23b8328a73_h.jpg



Opus #34

know that I remember your first cry,
and that I saw your first bike ride,
and saw you try to fix your doll's hair,
and float that paper boat you made,
and walked to school with you the first day,
helped you up, when you grazed your knee,
didn't tell mummy how you stained your dress with green grass,
and took you to the opticians, and bought you your first glass,
took you to piano lessons, where you tried the baby flute,
and read you your first book, and sat across the table,
watched you study, and pass your first exam,
and took photographs of your first trip outdoors,
and I hope you remember the fishing lake,
when mummy almost fell in, and the shaky bridge, gigantic trees,
and the Salmon we caught, and the fire, the smoke, the Owls,
the starry night and the soft summer dawn light.
 
K

kehs

Banned
Beneath the Surface - Excremating to the top

-------

Bubbling under the organic surface
Sitting idle waiting to take the world on it's face

Poisoned virgin clean slates
The devil sitting afar awaits

Come get me, come chase me, come challenge the deity
Let me go, Run from me, accept your penance

This love I left for you
This love I left for you

Come burn me, burn me, Come burn the others
Come save you, and him, Come for him together

Under you'll soak
Under you'll sink
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Dead Marshes

In fetid mires that reflect the moons glare,
beneath the water, from hollow eyes they stare,
while through the mist pallid lights do play,
but never far from the bodies do they stray,
glowing little corpse lights, marking the dead,
who for eternity languish amid the murky depths,
sullen waters lapping about bone white brows,
rotten features contorted in dead men's scowls.
 
E

Esiquio

Member
Did I mention how much I hate moving? What a crazy day, never more than a moment here or there to give myself time to finish my poem :\ I'll edit this post in a bit with my entry and I'll compile the entries tomorrow. Thanks everyone who entered, if you haven't submitted anything yet take your time and feel free to put something up.
 
F

FelixOrion

Poet Centuriate
sneaky entry is sneaky

Sealed

Three steps down
One step to the side
The flow of cement
To seal it inside

I hide it away
I keep it immured
A face I'd rater not view
The feeling makes me disturbed.

As it seals
I feel I earned a break
but that soon turns to
terror, I hear the crack

The rock begins to splinter
and I begin to scramble
to seal again the monster
I feel my mind scramble

I look back for my material
I chill runs my spine
as I turn around
and see my monster undivine

No longer contained
Released from the dam
The immuring has failed
to conceal what I really am
 
A

Ashes

Banned
hmm. I guess not. On that note, for anyone that hasn't voted before, you should vote like this:

1,
2,
3,
hm. (honorary mention)


You can't vote for the same person twice. And it seems that Crunch's second entry is a luxury item only. Which is still better than the op, who doesn't even have a poem yet, so please bear that in mind. ;)
 
R

Red

Member
1. Ashes - Opus #34
2. Copernicus - Excremating to the top
3. Bootaaay - Dead Marshes
hm: FelixOrion - Sealed

Right down the list this time.

Ashes' poem is charming, and the included picture fits the tone nicely. I am not sure who the watcher is (nature? god?) but I nevertheless enjoyed the voice of the piece. Very good work.

Copernicus, if I am interpreting this correctly, it sounds like one lover speaking to the other about overcoming death to be together? It is a bit song-like, but I liked it. Perhaps a little unfocused.

Bootaaay, yours is as well written as always (you have a gift for that!), but I couldn't find an action here, or a moment where I thought "this is the point of the poem." It is all descriptive, which does not completely sell me. I am not sure what the dead marshes are, and can only assume they are an invented place, and as I am not sure of their purpose I do not get as much from the poem as I would like.

FelixOrion, I am not sure what the "monster" is here, or why it must be hidden. I am lacking the reason or desire to cover up whatever this thing is. Nevertheless, you give us a well-presented account of the process by which it breaks free.
 
K

kehs

Banned
1- Ashes - Opus #34
2-FelixOrion - Sealed
3- Regular Whore
hm. (honorary mention)Crunched - Schrodinger, just cause it wasn't you main entry.




Crunched- Pretty close on the interpretation, except it's not death...well not death explicitly per se. I was describing the ex, which could be construed as death itself. Overcoming the ex was the goal though, but not to be together, but to be free from th ex. The sing-song probably came from my Fiona Apple binging on Idler Wheel, haha.

It was meant to be pretty targeted, it's part of a long work that will hopefully see it's intended recipient in time.

crits:

Crunched - Regular Whore

Good structure, but I felt like it didn't' go beneath the surface enough.

Crunched - Schrodinger

I like this alot, might be for personal reasons, but it felt alot more emotional.

Ashes - Opus #34

Too happy, I like poetry to make want to crawl in a hole. That said, I like the imagery it provided, very cohesive.

Bootaaay - Dead Marshes

Very visual, but totally lost on me, over my head.

Esiquio - DID NOT ENTER A POEM - IS MOVING!

A little too subtle, and meta. The rythm is nice, but it would use a little more fleshing out, and something that speaks out "not an excuse".

FelixOrion - Sealed

It sorta feels like it ended before the conclusion, I kinda felt like some kind of two-face situation was about to occur. If the build up was intentional it worked well.
 
E

Esiquio

Member
First time I'm sitting down and able to post. Didn't stop working until 2 this morning, then had to drive an hour and a half. Thanks for taking care of this thread, Ashes. Your check is in the mail. ;)
 
E

Esiquio

Member
1. Bootaaay - Dead Marshes
2. Ashes - Opus #34
3. Copernicus - Excremating to the top
HM. Cruched - Regular Whore (would have placed if you tied in the theme)

Will give more detailed critiques later - moving continues tomorrow bright and early, no time :p
 
E

Esiquio

Member
Now that I have a moment to myself, the long-awaited vote tally has come! Great job, everybody. Second and third place was really close, could have really gone either way. You all did better than me. :)

1st - Ashes - 13 (3)
2nd - Bootaaay - 8 (1)
3rd - Crunched - 7 (2)
Copernicus - 6
FelixOrion - 2

Looking forward to seeing what theme you cook up next, Ashes!

Edit: WTF, nice timing!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

Ken Kutaragi is the Greatest 'emperor' Of All Time and remains SIE's only true visionary
Opinion 2
73
4K
consoul replied
  • Locked
NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #204 "Lure"
2 3
114
7K
Ashes replied
  • Locked
NeoGAF's Poetry Corner - #118 "Ars Poetica"
16
2K
HORRORSHØW replied
  • Locked
NeoGAF's Poetry Corner - #117: "Resist!"
24
2K
Dai Kaiju replied
  • Locked
NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #179 - "Make Sense"
2
83
7K
Cyan replied
Top Bottom