• Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.

NeoGAF's Poetry Corner - #53: Tomorrow's World

Status
Not open for further replies.
B

British Monsoon

Member
NeoGAF's Poetry Corner - #53: Tomorrow's World

f1KBq.jpg


Theme: Tomorrow's World

"FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured." - 'The Devil's Dictionary', by Ambrose Bierce 1842-1914?

http://www.online-literature.com/bierce/devilsdictionary/

Optional Secondary Objective: Internal Rhyme

Alliteration - the repetition of a particular sound in the first syllables of nearby words: "What a tale of terror, now, their turbulency tells!" (Edgar Allan Poe, The Bells)

Assonance - the repetition of vowel sounds in nearby words: "Sudden crowings of laughter, monotonous drone of song" (Robert Louis Stevenson, The Feast of Famine)

Consonance - the repetition of consonant sounds in nearby words: "Close to the sun in lonely lands" (The Eagle, Lord Alfred Tennyson)

Sibilance - the repetition of sibilant, hissing, 's' or 'sh' sounds, in nearby words: "And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain" (The Raven, Edgar Allan Poe)

Submission Deadline; (PST)

t1341644400z4.png


Voting Deadline; (PST)

t1341817200z4.png


The deadline normally runs over the course of the submission deadline weekend.



* Rules Etc
* Archives Part 1
* Archives part 2
* Previous Challenges: #1 to #52
* Op Template
 
Clear

Clear

CliffyB's Cock Holster
My first shot at this, please be kind!

(also be warned that I've been listening to/reading a lot of John Cooper-Clarke which has influenced me to take a pop at this in a radically different style to what I'd normally use)

Falling Out Of Love With The Future

I'm falling out of Love with the future
Days ahead look grey
Where are the flying cars and spaceman bars
They promised us yesterday?
I'm falling out of Love with the future
Why is good news so rare?
Is optimism unfashionable now
Or would they rather scare.

I'm falling out of Love with the future
Because the powers of nightmare rule
Have you seen what its like out there?
Get on this ship of fools.
I'm falling out of Love with the future
No difference between left and right
Both sides eyes down and snouts stuck in
the consumerist pigshite

I'm falling out of Love with the future
The economy's in a state
No job, no pension-plan
Looks like poverty awaits
I'm falling out of Love with the future
Living long sounds great
Trapped alone in the nursing home
Or by feral youth on the estate.

I'm falling out of Love with the future
You need to watch your health
When the products that shorten your life
Are everything on the shelf
I'm falling out of Love with the future
Not even a refuge in drugs
With bath-salt toking zombie face-eaters
Replacing loved-up mugs.

I'm falling out of Love with the future
Where is that brighter world?
There's enough doom-laden prophecy
To leave you foetal-curled.
I'm falling out of Love with the future
Because the media outlook's grim
Between disease, war, and terrorism
No way for us to win.

I'm falling out of Love with the future
I thought we had it sussed
Star Trek's pax humana
Universal peace and trust
I'm falling out of Love with the future
Why aren't we out in space?
Are twitter trends and internet bell-ends
The future of the human race?

I'm falling out of Love with the future
Because this information age is crass
Everybody is talking, talking,
Either from or about their ass.

(Or both, at the same time usually.)

I've fallen out of Love with the future
Tomorrow looks like shit
Yesterday wasn't all that either
Now I think of it.
But back then at least we had a dream
Of an utopian state to chase
Now we graze on fear and distractions
What a fucking waste.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Bump.

Finally got an idea to work on, took me a while as this weeks creative writing challenge instantly spawned a story I've been working on most of the week.
 
F

FelixOrion

Poet Centuriate
Who totally forgot to about this and is gonna churn a poem out of the pressure cooker real quick?

This guy.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
They dreamed autumn dreams,
that teemed with fanciful thoughts
as, beset by the shadow of impending storm
from a winter that coldly sought and grasped,
they cast their candor, not to the past,
but to an imagined future,
one not fraught with shattered hopes
and ruined lives,
marked by failure and compromise,
but one that spoke, with a sad sense of regret,
of times of wealth and plenty,
of nights they would never forget,
that both knew would never come to pass,
as, in toast, they raised a melancholy glass
to autumn dreams, that fade and then flutter
from their fragile branch,
to fall amongst the filth of the gutter,
as, broken, the dreams rot at last
hope failing fast in the face of the storm.

I kinda gave up on trying to explicitly work internal rhyme into the piece about a third of the way in - it's tough as hell, but I think I may be approaching it all wrong. I'll see if I can have another go before sleep claims me.
 
F

FelixOrion

Poet Centuriate
The Bigger Picture

The future is ours to seize
If we could climb from out knees
Kicking and biting
Screaming and hating
and look at the bigger picture

What lies before us is more than us
What lies behind is gone, just dust.
To the skies we must travel
To trade the skies we must give up the gravel
and look at the bigger picture

I think that this goes beyond me
for to venture we must use the collective 'we.'
In the sea of dark, we are a speck
that dares send brave sons on a trek
and look at the bigger picture

One day, I hope we will look back
and trace our past by our track
and laugh and cry and reminisce
about how we crossed the grand abyss
and looked at the bigger picture.
 
Z

ZeroRay

Member
My first entry. Hey WritingGAF!


Whimper

Looking at a rectangle of light
Arguing about what's wrong and right
Growing old in a future cold
Passing on to depths unknown

The worlds are stark
Replaced with orbs quite dark
Time still, a distant fog
Love being a far flung jog

What comes to man who dreams of naught
Of those whose life has not a sought
What comes to those whose past was bright
And now comes the long aching night
 
A

Ashes

Banned
I've got the entry list ready. I'll wait a little bit more. Than I'll draw the list, trolls and all.
 
E

Esiquio

Member
Mankind grew fast and spread his seed
Many were his children
Fewer were trees
Emptied the seas and flattened the land
Cities were built
And more yet were planned

Tomorrow is today, the future is now
Earn your keep
Earn the sweat of your brow

Structures of wonder
Floating beyond clouds
Cities too grand
For the mere ground

Atop of all else
Rises a tower like no other
Man stands at the point
And with a shout he proclaims
We make no mistakes
You'll not see us blunder
The Earth is beneath us
Now we are gods
There is nothing we are under

Look what we've made
Aging abeyed, death tamed
Wages of sin
A debt no longer paid

Though the tall towers shined
Gleaming and bright
They could not hide
What lurked within hearts
A darkness inside

Hate, jealousy, pride
One against another
They all wanted more
So brother killed brother

Leaders were felled
Cities had crumbled
Towers knocked down
Off the heavens they tumbled

Back down to the land
They had long left for dead

The day had come
When men would be undone
Returned to dust now
As they had begun
 
D

disappeared

Banned
"chief conductor eats the apples that grow on trees like dew"

they'll be coming for me
in their red capes and suspenders
with golden helmets and laserguns
shaped like tigers
to find me in the hours after Connor has left
and the milk went bad
fortify justification to yourself
and then the apes took over
like in that movie
and we're all fucked
I'm not even trying
 
R

Red

Member
1. Esiquio - Dust of Men
2. Clear - Falling Out of Love With the Future
3. Ashes - there she goes...

hm: FelixOrion - The Bigger Picture

This is late and not eligible for votes, but I wanted to post it anyway:



Into the Night

when the day comes that your sky's a stone,
your bones recessed,
your life dethroned,
i won't stand for you to go alone
through endless, lonely, tunneled night
i will take your hand on that final flight
into the dark
and into the light
 
A

Ashes

Banned
;)

I've been wondering why I write this week. I'm not sure I know why anymore.

There's no money in poetry, so you have to do it for something else. Liking it helps. I'm not sure why I write poems. There's a thread, and I prefer to post in it rather than not post in it.
To be honest, I don't want to waste people's time, and I'm interested in writing good stuff. They're not the grandest or greatest reasons, but at least I know they're mine. I'm beyond even being ridiculed for wanting to be known as a poet.

Who knows why we do what we do? As long you're enjoying it, I don't think it matters so much.
 
D

disappeared

Banned
There is no why.

You/we either do or you/we don't.
There is too much to it that's prim and proper. It's just trying.
Any one of us who sits and thinks, well what will I write
they don't deserve to write. It has to come out like it is
If we focus on the why too much the idea gets lost. It becomes an achievement. A personal goal. And there are no goals with writing. It's not some race we bet on. That is better left to the bars and the money and women. And like trying, you avoid those at all costs.


Ashes, you're one of the doomed ones, us all.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
It's a nice sentiment, but I feel that writing can't always be something that's fluid, something spur of the moment, something that always satisfactorily conveys the writer's ideas. It needs to be practiced and worked upon, and to some extent, forced. At least it does for me. Inspiration sparks often, but not so often am I up to the task of putting into words the ideas and emotions it gives me. I would like to be. But regardless, I continue to write. Because I enjoy it, because I like to tell stories and see my words come to life on the page, to explore new genres and forms, to set myself challenges and feel that, however misguidedly, I'm improving my craft.

Ashes1396 said:
I'm not sure why I write poems
Click to expand...

For me, I simply like to toy with words, to pick and place the pieces, and to see how others do the same.

Ashes1396 said:
Who knows why we do what we do? As long you're enjoying it, I don't think it matters so much.
Click to expand...

And this.

---

Votes;

1. Esiquio
2. Ashes1396
3. Clear

HM; FelixOrion, ZeroRay
 
E

Esiquio

Member
1. FelixOrion - The Bigger Picture
2. Bootaaay - Untitled
3. ZeroRay - Whimper
HMs. Ashes; Crunched, Clear

Very brief critiques as they come off the top of my head, I need to go to sleep right away:

Clear - Some of the best stanzas submitted, and some no-so-great ones. A very good, ambitious piece that was just jarringly uneven.
Ashes - Short but sweet. I liked it. The end made me laugh, it surprised and amused me.
FelixOrion - I liked how you used the same last line each time. The poem felt like it had a solid theme and really came together, that's why I gave it my first place vote.
Bootaaay - This piece sounded really good. I like the way it read and flowed. There was nothing that took me out of the mood you were setting. I loved the use of the phrase "autumn dreams".
ZeroRay - Although I liked it, the rhyming felt forced at points. Overall, it was a great first submission.
Crunched - You should have submitted this one, man. It's a good one with a nice dark mood with a hopeful finish.
 
H

HiResDes

Member
You guys should try and tackle Terzanelles or Villanelles sometime, it's quite fun.

1. Esiquio
2. Bootaaay
3. Clear
 
Clear

Clear

CliffyB's Cock Holster
I really don't like judging other people's work so I deferred posting my comments until after the deadline.

The two I liked the most were by Esiquio and Crunched. At a push I'd probably favour the latter because its got a lot of heft for such a short piece, although I'm a bit torn as you should give credit for the amount of work involved in sustaining a piece.

Couldn't pick a third spot between Felx and Bootaaay's entries.
 
B

British Monsoon

Member
Results;

01. Esiquio - 11 points *3
02. Clear - 7 points *1
0-. Bootaaay - 7 points *1
04. FelixOrion - 4 points *1
0-. Ashes1396 - 4 points
06. ZeroRay - 1 point

Congratulations to Esiquio and thanks to everyone who entered :)
 
E

Esiquio

Member
Bootaaay said:
Results;

01. Esiquio - 11 points *3
02. Clear - 7 points *1
0-. Bootaaay - 7 points *1
04. FelixOrion - 4 points *1
0-. Ashes1396 - 4 points
06. ZeroRay - 1 point

Congratulations to Esiquio and thanks to everyone who entered :)
Click to expand...

I...won something?! Thanks for the votes everyone. I'll have the new OP up by tonight.

Also, take a look at the Writing thread for an awesome post from Mike Works regarding critiquing. I'm sure everyone here would appreciate some specific advice on what worked in their piece and what didn't.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

  • Locked
NeoGAF's Poetry Corner - #101: "The Next Generation"
32
2K
Ashes replied
  • Locked
NeoGAF's Poetry Corner - #67: "Fraud"
2
51
3K
Grakl replied
  • Locked
NeoGAF's Poetry Corner - #70: Questions & Answers
29
3K
AnkitT replied
  • Locked
NeoGAF's Poetry Corner - #55: Peace...
35
3K
British Monsoon replied
  • Locked
Neogaf Poetry Corner #56: Take a Stand
26
3K
Ashes replied
Top Bottom