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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #107 - "Loss"

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John Dunbar

correct about everything
Theme - "Loss"

Word Limit: 2507

Submission Deadline: Friday, October 5th by 11:59 PM Pacific.

Voting begins Saturday, October 6th, and goes until Monday, October 8th at 11:59 PM Pacific.

Optional Secondary Objective: What a twist!

Everybody loves a good twist, but they're hard to pull off. Best ones have clearly been hinted in the story, but still take the reader by surprise, and make for an interesting re-read. Of course it's even more difficult with a secondary object like this since everyone will be aware of a potential twist, so maybe your twist can be that there's no twist at all! What a double twist!

Submission Guidelines:

- One entry per poster.
- All submissions must be written during the time of the challenge.
- Using the topic as the title of your piece is discouraged.
- Keep to the word count!

Voting Guidelines:

- Three votes per voter. Please denote in your voting your 1st (3 pts), 2nd (2 pts), and 3rd (1 pt) place votes.
- Please read all submissions before voting.
- You must vote in order to be eligible to win the challenge.
- When voting ends, the winner gets a collective pat on the back, and starts the new challenge.

NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge FAQ
Previous Challenge Threads and Themes
 

Fou-Lu

Member
I'm trying to get back into fiction writing after a long time of only doing academic essays and shit, so I might give this a shot. An obvious idea jumps out at me instantly, but I'd prefer something more outside the box.
 

Tangent

Member
Thought about this myself, since my grandma passed away recently (just flew back this morning from the memorial).

I dunno, might be too depressing.

Hey Cyan, sorry to hear about that... :( I hope you've had some time to be with the fam. And don't worry about being depressing. I guess honest writing is the best, no matter what emotion it evokes. Just go with feels right.
.
.
.

JD: a late congrats!
To others: thanks for the crits in our last challenge and apologies that I provided none. I'll continue to work on making dialog more realistic. I have NO idea why parents' dialog always comes out as so stiff and proper when I write it out. Blech.
 

Cyan

Banned
Asheeeees. I know you're out there. I know you can seeeeee me. Come on and post!


Thanks, alter-ego.
 

Ashes

Banned
hmm... It appears that the poetry thread is following the theme of this thread. Or maybe airing the plight of the sister thread has had some effect. I've had a pm from the winner of the last thread. They were a jnr so could not create a thread. So in a strange twist, perhaps we might indeed have a poetry thread after all.

Tragicomedy said:
the main bit:
If it hasn't been done yet, I'd like the theme to be longing. It can be longing for anything from a better job to a better love life to whatever. The secondary is to have the poem thematically tie into a quote or written line from a famous author.

Let me know if that works.

If anybody wants to post that in the poetry thread style, I'd be grateful. And Tragicomedy would be grateful. :p
Other wise I'll post it my self over the weekend.
 
So I finished that zombie story and submitted it to my workshop and damn it would be perfect for this thread
but it's just over 4000 words
.

I gotta say, I fucking love workshops though. Wish I could just do that full time as a job somehow. Gotta become an eccentric millionaire.
 

Cyan

Banned
So I finished that zombie story and submitted it to my workshop and damn it would be perfect for this thread
but it's just over 4000 words
.

I gotta say, I fucking love workshops though. Wish I could just do that full time as a job somehow. Gotta become an eccentric millionaire.

Is this for your classes?

Sounds cool. I still haven't really found a good writing group. I mean, everyone here is great obviously, but the challenges aren't really set up for critique and to help us build our portfolios. The other group I was in for a while I got fed up with, as most of the writers were pretty low-skill and just offered advice straight out of writing books. "Cyan, I think you should show not tell more." Argh!
 

Ashes

Banned
Is this for your classes?

Sounds cool. I still haven't really found a good writing group. I mean, everyone here is great obviously, but the challenges aren't really set up for critique and to help us build our portfolios. The other group I was in for a while I got fed up with, as most of the writers were pretty low-skill and just offered advice straight out of writing books. "Cyan, I think you should show not tell more." Argh!

Well if you're getting the basics wrong...


;)
 
Is this for your classes?

Sounds cool. I still haven't really found a good writing group. I mean, everyone here is great obviously, but the challenges aren't really set up for critique and to help us build our portfolios. The other group I was in for a while I got fed up with, as most of the writers were pretty low-skill and just offered advice straight out of writing books. "Cyan, I think you should show not tell more." Argh!
It was a story that I actually started writing for one of the GAF challenges (something to do with Fences I think), and I actually posted >most< of it in the thread; I just hadn't written the climax.

Turns out that my prof is totally accepting of spec fiction this semester, and considering that I'd written a zombie story, I was pretty happy that I had a reason to focus and finish it. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, even though only 2 people in the class fully understood the ending.

And I am absolutely horrified of what my post-university writing group will look like. It seems like it's going to be so hard to find a good group of people with high minds that will also strictly adhere to arbitrary deadlines.
 

Filthy Slug

Crowd screaming like hounds at the heat of the chase/ All the colors of the rainbow flood my face
Man, I've only got ~300 words of a story done as I've been writing other things most of the day. Don't think I'll have anything to submit this week but I can't wait to read your guys' stories!
 

Tangent

Member
It was a story that I actually started writing for one of the GAF challenges (something to do with Fences I think), and I actually posted >most< of it in the thread; I just hadn't written the climax.

Turns out that my prof is totally accepting of spec fiction this semester, and considering that I'd written a zombie story, I was pretty happy that I had a reason to focus and finish it. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, even though only 2 people in the class fully understood the ending.

And I am absolutely horrified of what my post-university writing group will look like. It seems like it's going to be so hard to find a good group of people with high minds that will also strictly adhere to arbitrary deadlines.

Yeah I think it's hard to find a writing group, particularly for specific genres. But hopefully you can create a group with some of the graduates from your program or something. Or alumni.



"Changing Leaves"
 

ZeroRay

Member
I said I'm gonna write something and I am damn it!

Here's my submission if I can't come up with an actual plot and finish within two hours.

Philosophical Drunk Ramblins

The shadows pulsated within the walls, flashing to white lights and a rhythm; etched black and purple photos disappear forever, to be replaced by another every 4 beats. Real life was put on hold for an illusion, immersed in a primal ether where one feels like they&#8217;re everything in the universe while being strung around like puppets. Hot air and hotter bodies collided in a mass of heavenly and hellish movements.

Christian did a pretty good job considering this is his first house party. Though putting seventy people in a 240 square foot "dance floor" wasn&#8217;t one of his brightest ideas. Still, the DJ played his hits, the people danced their dances, and the alcohol flowed freely. Nice so far, even though I&#8217;d prefer to be outside having a smoke rather than be smushed up next to two dudes who definitely don&#8217;t want to be next to me.

I decided to try my luck and slowly slither myself out of this mess. No one wanted to get out of the way of course, though people were making their way forwards, and some towards the outside door in the back. I had to cleverly time myself with the momentum of their movements if I wanted to make any progress. Being drunk makes you believe anything that requires more than four seconds of thought is clever. Making my way back, I liked feeling the nice soft curves of women, and the hard or mushy bodies of guys, though of course I didn&#8217;t look back to see if they were indeed girls or guys, instinct made me a hundred percent certain.

As I kept making my way out of the floor I could feel everyone&#8217;s emotions rub up on me: Lust, passion, mirth, jealousy, anger, loneliness and finally relief. I made it through the back door and amongst the few dozen or so who decided dancing in a cramped living room wasn&#8217;t for them.

I was surprised to see Christian be among those out.

&#8220;Tired of that furnace already, bro,&#8221; He blurted out half drunk.
&#8220;Yeah, wasn&#8217;t feeling it,&#8221; I replied
&#8220;Me neither, that&#8217;s why we&#8217;re both here I guess.&#8221;
We paused and just stared at each other. It was always awkward between us, to the point where it became one of the lynchpins in our friendship.
&#8220;So yeah,&#8221; I took out a lighter and cigarette from my shirt pocket, put the filter in my mouth and started huffing.
&#8220;Yo, you bought the booze?&#8221;
&#8220;Oh shit, I forgot&#8221;
&#8220;You always forget, you always say you&#8217;re &#8216;one-hundred percent on board&#8217; for something, but you never are motherfucker.&#8221;

He&#8217;s right I always am.
 
Deep within the maze of fog choked streets known as the Warrens, the oldest and rankest part of the Many Shadowed City of Shaual, past seedy whore houses and wine sinks, crumbling hovels, rickety lean-to's and innumerable vague and impoverished shrines to little, nameless gods, sat a tavern of ill-repute. Those who lived near its soot-coated walls never ventured inside, nor wasted a moment more than necessary outside of its doors. For the tavern in question, The Gaudy Gull, bore with it a palpable sense of danger, reflected in the menacing stares of the patrons, such as they were. And at the Gull congregated the worst Shaual had to offer, spending blood stained coin to drink their fill between quest, contract, writ or assignation.

One such man stood alone, propping up the bar, his dark mood plain for all to see. None bothered him. They all knew better. For he too bore a grave reputation, and was quick to anger.

"Piss and thunder!" Aarald roared, slamming his fist on the bar and rousing Peck, the landlord, from a lazy slumber. "Just hand it over Peck, I'm done waiting!"

"Now, now...er, Aarald. Peace, my friend" the fat landlord stammered. "I got two down for this one, and we wait 'til mid-eve before calling it, you knows the rules."

Aarald just stared, while Peck shrank from his gaze, back to absent-mindedly wiping down the bar, dirty rag clutched tight in trembling fingers. He willed the other to arrive with every fibre of his being. Anything to get Aarald gone. The man more than scared him, Peck was not afraid to admit. His wishes did not go long unanswered, as at ten to mid-eve, the door slammed open, letting in the cold night air and sending lamp flames a-gutter. Silhouetted by the night, stood a man with four legs. Peck rubbed his eyes in disbelief, Aarald just groaned.

"It had to be you, didn't it?" he muttered.

"Who else, my dear, irascible friend?" the man declaimed, stepping awkwardly into the light, hobbling with one leg cast and crutches gripped under his arms. "Who else, but I?" he gestured grandly to the assembled crowd, "The marvel of magicks most foul and arcane, the eradicator of beasts most terrible and occult, from the sunny isles of the Painted Lands to the accursed, blackened shores of Old Asahn, I have seen it all. So I ask you again. Who else, but I?"

"They say the mask is tainted with the black touch of the magae who sought to bridge the gulf between life and death." Aarald replied, his calm tone belying the irritation and anger that frothed beneath the surface.

"Pah! Mummer's tales, fit only to scare babes fresh from their mother's breast. Wood and bronze, my friend. That's all the mask is. Wood and bronze, aged and worn and largely worthless, but for lingering tales of it's otherworldly past piquing the interest of certain money-laden collectors. Thank the gods for fools and their money, eh?" and at that, the man laughed a hearty bellow of a laugh, clapping a stout hand to Aarald's shoulder.

"And then there are the guardians, of course. But, I suppose they are mere pilferings compared to the vaunted legend of Calisto, notorious magae rogue of Shaual." Aarald sneered, "Although quite how you intend to clamber up the Dead Peak on one leg is beyond me."

"Oh, my dear Aarald. Obviously, I am in no state to go a-venturing across the wastes.", he chuckled, "No, that would not do at all. I have employed a second, as is my right."

"You pisssing..." Aarald bit back the curse, forcing his anger to dispel. "Well, it matters not. There's no man in Shaual who is a match for Aarald."

"Maybe, maybe not. Care to make a wager?" and there was that sly smile Aarald despised. "Half the reward to whomever ends up with the mask." Calisto said, extending out his hand to seal the deal.

"Done." Aarald replied, as he shook the magae's hand. "So, where is he? Your second, I mean."

"Hmm? Oh, it's a 'she'. And besides, she left hours ago."

Glaring bloody murder at Calisto, Aarald fished out a handful of coppers, threw them in Peck's general direction and rushed out of the door, out into the cold, mid-eve streets of Shaual, tendrils of fog grasping about his ankles and the sound of Calisto's smug laughter ringing in his ears.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Dawn finally broke as Aarald trudged on through the swathes of fetid marshland west of Shaual. Of Calisto's second there was no sign and the land was still as far as the eye could see, save for a half-dozen hawks that circled hopefully above, keen eyes searching for prey. Far in the distance rose the Dead Peak, a grey, squat blotch of mountain that blended with the pale and dull morning sky. Aarald's thoughts turned to the mountain and what he would find there. The tales were numerous, but he doubted if more than a tenth of them were true. What he did know was that there was a monastery there. A ruin of a doomed magae sect, and within, the Necri Mask.

As if bidden by his thoughts, a foul wind rose, choking and ridden by the stale smell of death. Aarald covered his mouth and blinked tears from wind-stung eyes. A hawk screeched far above, and Aarald sensed something deathly amiss. He drew his blade and turned, just in time to catch the rusty, crumbling edge of a sword against his own. His eyes travelled down the obviously ancient blade to a set of skeletal fingers, protruding from a swirling mess of pale mist. He recoiled in terror, and with rasping, clacking whispers, the creature emerged from the haze, it's blade rearing back for another blow.

Aarald struck first, his sword tearing through the rusted blade and connecting with the skeletal form's collar bone, shattering the monster in twain. It writhed on the floor, and Aarald allowed himself a small smile of satisfaction that quickly turned into dismay as the fog grew and, all around, the clacking of bone on bone could be heard. Aarald broke into a run, foul marsh water splashing round his ankles and his eyes trained on the sun, shining dimly through the fog. After minutes that seemed like hours, he broke from the fog to find himself mere steps from the base of the Dead Peak.

Eager to leave the marsh behind him, he scrambled up the crumbling mountain, the barest hint of a path marking the route the doomed magae once took to their secluded monastery, littered here an there with shards of weathered bone. His eyes were drawn inexorably upwards as he climbed, seeking a glimpse of his destination among the desolate, rocky expanse of the slope before him. Again, hawks shrieked above, but this time no mist rose, nor any skeletal assailants freed from poorly dug graves. The rest of his climb was surprisingly uneventful, as the air thinned and the incline of the mountain grew ever steeper. Sparing a glance behind him, Aarald saw the marshes far below, covered in a blanket of silently undulating grey mist.

Within an hour he had gained the summit, and there, sitting proudly astride the mountaintop, was the ruined monastery. He had to stop himself from just running in there, so eager he was to retrieve the mask and be gone from this eerily still place, but caution was called for, lest any of the skeletal apparitions encountered upon the marshes lurked within. With silent, tentative steps, Aarald stealthily crept through the stone doors, smashed open wide by some long forgotten force. Inside, the place was a maze of low corridors, through which Aarald had to crouch. He drew his blade, even though he'd have little room to swing it in here.

Soon, he spilled from a cramped corridor into the domed hall he had noted outside, afternoon light streaming in through a hole in the ceiling and shining directly upon a pedestal of darkest obsidian. There, the mask sat. Wood, coarse and still bearing it's bark, with burnished bronzed details that exquisitely caught the light. With a furtive glance about him, Aarald gingerly stepped over to the pedestal, wary of setting off any hidden trap to skewer him, or signal that might rouse more foes from the dead. But as his fingers grasped the mask, and lifted it free; nothing. Aarald barked a laugh, before stowing the mask and making his way back outside.

Rushing out into the daylight, he pulled up short as, there, sitting before him was a hawk. It regarded him with quizzical eyes, before letting free a loud squawk and taking flight. Aarald watched it disappear into the distance, before making his way back down the Dead Peak. But as he carefully descended the slope, a sickening familiar sound arose. A clack, clack, clacking of bone on bone, as all about him skeletal frames rose and assembled. Rejoined fingers taking grasp on half-buried blades. Horrified, Aarald broke into a run, not caring if he broke his neck as he madly sought escape from this accursed peak. He hit the marsh at full pelt, tumbling head over heel and finding himself upended into the stinking, fetid waters.

He slowly rose, but found his progress strangely impeded. Looking down, he saw skeletal hands rising from the depths, clutching tight about his legs. With a cry of revulsion, he lashed out with the flat of his blade at the bony fingers, shedding them like dried mud on leather before scrambling to his feet and running, half stumbling from the marshes, sight turned firmly to the eastern horizon, the sky darkening now in the late afternoon as he hurriedly made for home, with more than a few horrors in his heart as he tried to banish memory of the Dead Peak and the skeletal minions that rose from its accursed corpse.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Peck fretted, and when he fretted, he washed down the bar, trying to avoid the utterly disarming and peculiar gaze of Calisto. He had hobbled in around lunch time, taken a seat at the bar and waited, reading from a book in some funny script Peck didn't recognise. Said he was "waiting for a delivery", and Peck could only assume he meant that mask him and Aarald were arguing about. He didn't fancy having that accursed item in his place if even one of the tales about it were true. Just thinking of it made Peck shudder. At that moment the door slammed open, startling Peck something fierce. Calisto didn't turn immediately, a wry smile plastered to his lips.

"So, it seems that even the high-and-mighty Calisto makes mistakes from time to time" Aarald laughed as he shouldered his way over to the bar. "I saw not a single sign of your second. A poor choice indeed, whoever the unfortunate lass was."

"You should pay more attention, dear friend. She saw you, on at least three occasions." Calisto smiled amiably.

"Ah, but no matter how stealthy, she failed in the end! I have the mask, I'll have the reward, and I'll be taking my winnings too, if it pleases you." Aarald was beaming from ear to ear, relishing a rare opportunity to lord it over Calisto.

"Certainly," Calisto replied, "half the reward amount, as agreed." He tossed the coin purse over, still smiling as Aarald judged it's weight. "Now, the mask please, dear friend"

"What?" Aarald replied with a laugh, "Give it to you, when I've yet to collect my reward?"

"But you already have your reward" Calisto said, his smile turning into a predatory grin. Aarald stared uncomprehending.

"Oh dear, do I have to spell it out?" laughed Calisto. "I took out the commission. I put up the reward. I bet you half that, when all is said and done, the mask will be in my hands. So it will be." and there was that grin again.

"You...arrogant...manipulative" Aarald spluttered, at a loss for words. "Piss and thunder! You conniving son of a whore!" he yelled, his face turning purple with rage, before finally breaking into laughter.

"Oh, you've played me for a fool! Peck, a drink for me and this devious bastard right here" Aarald demanded, stamping his fist on the bar for emphasis. As the drinks arrived, he slid the mask over to Calisto and the pair walked (and hobbled) from the Gull, beverages in hand, leaving a bemused Peck in their wake. For once, the streets were lit by sunlight, unobscured by layers of soot and fog, and the air smelt fresh and clean, or as clean as it gets in the Warrens

"But there's one thing I don't understand...who was this mysterious second of which I saw no sign?" Aarald asked.

"I already said, you met her on three occasions." Calisto grinned, as high above, circling the city of shadows, a hawk screeched her goodbyes.

-------------

Note; I kinda tried to emulate the descriptive prose of one of my favourite writers. I failed, unsurprisingly, but for those interested;
it was Fritz Leiber
.

hmm... It appears that the poetry thread is following the theme of this thread. Or maybe airing the plight of the sister thread has had some effect. I've had a pm from the winner of the last thread. They were a jnr so could not create a thread. So in a strange twist, perhaps we might indeed have a poetry thread after all.

Oh shit, my bad - I recall TragiComedy mentioning he'd need someone to make the thread as he's a junior, but I must have had a brain fart as it completely went out of my mind until now :(
 

Sober

Member
Shoot, I guess I better get started...

edit: I'll post it here for now, only did one pass, I'll try to fix it all up when I wake up. Will probably remove the post and post it a tidypub link when I'm done. Either way, here it is in all its glory

Taken Too Soon
 

Ashes

Banned
Oh shit, my bad - I recall TragiComedy mentioning he'd need someone to make the thread as he's a junior, but I must have had a brain fart as it completely went out of my mind until now :(

Hey booooooooootaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Long time no see.

Now that I've got that out of my system. Think I should be posting something or the other.

Quote this post, if anybody wants my email address. Even if that's to virtually stalk me about something I've written once or twice.

Being banned for mock rage being misinterpreted as real rage has taught me that when you're banned, you're banned. And two month at that! Maybe, it might had have something to do with having another ashes on the board, or maybe not. Anyways.... perhaps most mods have been lenient with me so all things may have balanced out.

.
 

Gattsu25

Banned
I started writing a non-fiction account of last year's events for this but had to stop :\ too hard for me to write directly about things that actually happened.
 

Tangent

Member
Remember, voting needs to happen today!

OK, dinner's done. *rubs palms together* time to get crackin'.

Crits
Cyan &#8211; Infiltration
I like how you set up your opening scene, and had that conversation in the car. I really liked the narration. It felt very personal even though 3rd person. While I liked Miller as a character, I didn&#8217;t know his motivations clearly and it made it harder to understand where he was coming from. Part of that mystery seemed intentional, but maybe he was more conflicted than was revealed, and I think that revelation would be OK without revealing any mystery. The dialog was superb; I could hear that old man in the car crystal clear. Linguistic, ho! In fact, one of my favorite parts was this story in the car &#8211; it wasn&#8217;t too long or anything. But I was a bit surprised that the old man spoke so frankly and then dropped the guy off so quickly, &#8220;losing&#8221; a newcomer in his life so quickly, if you will. I liked your use of adjectives and verbs. For example, I liked how you said &#8220;high-beams carved&#8221; but it lost its allure a bit the second time it was used a sentence later in: &#8220;Engine roar, blast of wind, and the high-beams were carving their way around the next bend.&#8221; I liked the short, quick sentences too &#8211; very appropriate in setting in the mood. I liked the use of repeated lines: &#8220;roar, moan, shudder&#8221; (though those specific words didn&#8217;t seem to describe what I was picturing in my head but I guess that doesn&#8217;t matter if it&#8217;s not what you&#8217;re describing) and &#8220;focus&#8221; (this latter one being very appropriate for me!). Overall, well done!

ZeroRay &#8211; Philosophical Drunk Ramblins
In the first sentence or so, I wasn&#8217;t quite sure where the setting was but then it became crystal clear a moment later and I was amused by how deep the MC was about his observations of a house party. I actually thought there might be more happening with that, but it was also amusing how it ended so suddenly with the dialog outside of the packed dance floor &#8211; it seemed like an appropriate way to change the scene. I wish there more said about the characters and their motivations but I guess that&#8217;s hard to do in a shorter piece. I liked the dialog and I think what I was most impressed by was how much depth there can be to a house party. I always thought they were blurs, especially when drunk. So well done!

Bootaaay &#8211; The Mask
I liked how you started that opening scene, and then went back to it. However, it did feel a bit &#8220;rough on the edges&#8221; going back from scene to scene, but it could just me being confused. I very much liked the narration in this story and I thought your word choice and sentence flow was beautiful, so I&#8217;m going to read some more Fritz Leiber! I like his covers because some have pictures of dudes that sort of look like the author. Your dialog was very dramatic; I&#8217;m not used to that but I liked it nevertheless. I did wish there was some dialog earlier though, or maybe just some thought processes during the skeleton-escapes. I wondered if the level of detail seemed to ebb and flow rather than stay consistent but I&#8217;m not sure I can say so, and also, maybe it was intentional to shift the mood. The sense of adventure in this story was awesome, and I like how you can create that in such a short story. I also like how you don&#8217;t get lost with gritty details in action scenes. Or, rather, I don&#8217;t get lost in gritty details. It still felt lively and not overly particular. I think it helped that the setting was so vivid.

Sober &#8211; Taken Too Soon
You did a great job of setting the stage. It sort of reminded me of &#8220;The Tree of Life.&#8221; I wonder if the story could have been told in Benjamin&#8217;s point of view &#8211; I think one thing that struck me was how Benjamin didn&#8217;t seem overwhelmed or confused. I imagine it would be a lot to take in to see your own funeral and then images of your childhood while sitting next to your dead sister. I really liked the detail, and I wanted to hear more about Benjamin&#8217;s wife &#8211; and her perspective. One of the things that I think is tricky about a piece like this is that it&#8217;s a popular setting, so I wonder if it&#8217;s hard to do in a creative way and give it new &#8220;life&#8221; (badam ching!). But I think you did a good job because I was pretty glued to the story the entire time.

Ashes1396 &#8211; Monster
Wait, rabbits are rodents! :) Putting that aside, fun story! It reminded me of Animal Farm. I really liked the opening scene, especially since I was just visiting a place that had that idyllic feel. It took me by surprise when you said, &#8220;and a little squirrel sat in the corner and coloured in her colouring book&#8221; &#8211; I think, because you had just mentioned the little runts pulling the kites with their hands vs. their paws. In general, while I really liked your overall structure, it would have been fun to put a little more &#8220;animal jargon&#8221; in there. The MC was great, and I felt like he was developing slowly but surely throughout the story as he grew up. There was a good amount of dialog and it was well-dispersed as well. There was a good amount of detail, and some funny points: picturing 2 badgers marching off with that sticked-load on their shoulders, etc. I did feel like the bear&#8217;s discussion of how he didn&#8217;t like the use of the word &#8220;monster&#8221; was lengthier than it need be. I understood the point that he was making, and appreciated it, but wondered if it could have been told in some other way, maybe with more action vs. his monolog. Overall, this was a very fun read, and you did well with animal characters which I think can sometimes be tricky.

Votes:
1. Ashes
2. Cyan
3. Bootaaay
HM: Sober, 0-Ray
(oh oops that's everyone... :p)
 

ZeroRay

Member
Crits:

Cyan - Enjoyed reading it. Nice prose, and entertaining fight scene. The conversation with the old man was great. A bit too jumpy and vague for me though.

Tangent - Like your other story, this was another good "day in a kid's life" tale. I feel as if you were doing a dig towards me a bit with the diarrhea dog. :p I think you could have done a better job with the main character's relationship with his dog at the onset. I honestly thought it would go the direction of his friends mocking him because what he's good at is "girly". As such, the dog passing away didn't resonate with me, other than her sharing my namesake obviously. :D I'm to assume the story Ken's father told at the end is basically a summation of everything that's happened to Ken throughout your writing. Which I liked.

Bootaaay - Great descriptions and very amusing dialogue. I felt some of your writing was a little too "heavy" though. A little more editing would have done wonders.

Sober - Very nice, liked how you set the tone and progressed the story. Interesting take on the hovering spirits premise. I did expect a TWIST! to come up in the end, rather than the bittersweet ending we got. Maybe that was the twist? :)

Ashes - My favorite of this batch. Mostly because I couldn't stop thinking about the "Bear Patrol" gag the Simpsons did, which segued onto the town blaming immigrants for their woes. I think your piece did the best of telling everything you wanted to say within it and didn't feel like something that would have worked better with more words thrown in.

Rankings:

1 - Ashes
2 - Sober
3 - Bootay

HM: Tangent, Cyan
 

Cyan

Banned
Tangent - "Changing Leaves" - Nicely done with the kid's perspective, as usual. I expected things to go in a different direction, and while I enjoyed all the stuff with the kid learning to cook, it didn't quite gel with the death of his dog. That is, they didn't feel like they quite matched up together, like the cooking stuff seemed like it'd lead to a different ending, and the dog ending seemed like it'd need a different middle.

ZeroRay - "Philosophical Drunk Ramblins" - Love the opening paragraph. I never get like that when I'm drunk, what's the deal? :p It felt a little abrupt when it ended, and may have gone over my head.

Bootaaay - "The Mask" - A fantasy tale starting in a tavern? crow would be pleased! ;) I actually quite liked your descriptive prose. Nicely evocative. I once got the advice (seldom used, since my descriptions are so sparse) that to make your descriptions truly vivid, you should involve three senses. And I notice that in your most evocative bit, you did (the skeleton coming out of the mist).

Sober - "Taken Too Soon" - Interesting to think about attending your own funeral that way. I don't know if I could do it. I suppose it would be easier if you knew for sure that you'd see them again, that there really was an afterlife and you were already there. I found I was somewhat confused by the rules of the afterlife; I couldn't tell if they were going back in time or what, when they were talking about changing stuff and so on.

Ashes1396 - "Monster" - Nicely done. The metaphor is so on-the-nose that it becomes a little distracting. I kind of felt like it might've been stronger with a little more abstraction and a little less one-to-one matching with real life events.


Votes:
1. Bootaaay - "The Mask"
2. Ashes1396 - "Monster"
3. Tangent - "Changing Leaves"
 

Sober

Member
Cyan - Enjoyed it quite a lot, though could have wished there was something a bit more concrete to the ending. But I'm guessing the chat with the man in the truck wasn't small talk. Definitely liked the fight scene.

Tangent - Interesting direction that your story went in. Dunno if the dog dying did anything for me. The story at the end was a good way to tie it all up, though.

ZeroRay - Never been to a house party, so can't say I've had the honour of connecting with your description of the dance floor or the exchange at the end (sadly).

Bootaaay - Felt like a pretty long and arduous journey for so few words. Felt like the descriptions were a bit too much at times but I definitely enjoyed the dialogue between the two main characters.

Ashes1396 - Damn, those animals are cruel enough to one another, who needs humans? I definitely liked the animal society setting you got there. Interesting themes you decided to go into there with the story too.


Votes:
1. Ashes
2. Tangent
3. Cyan
 
1. Tangent - I very much enjoyed this one, very evocative and it struck a chord with me. I kinda agree with Cyan, in that with the cooking stuff the story seemed to be headed elsewhere, but I didn't find the abrupt shift at all jarring. Perhaps you could have foreshadowed the dog's death slightly, by mentioning his age or somesuch, but I don't think the story is any worse off with out it; death is often sudden.
2. Ashes1396 - very well written, especially your dialogue and the progression of the main character. I felt it dragged slightly at the end, as the piece is very dialogue heavy.
3. Cyan - really entertaining piece that faltered slightly with the end, which I felt could have been dwelt upon for longer. The description of the jump at the start and the fight near the end were both very well done, and I enjoyed the conversation with the old man.

Hm; Sober - this was a touching piece, but I didn't find the funeral and the revelation about his wife as engaging as the premise of the sister reconnecting with her brother. Good dialogue though.
 
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