Alright I'll start doing reviews early because last time I didn't get through them all in time and this will be the easiest way for me to do so with work and all. This will be ongoing until we get to the voting and hopefully I'll be done by then. Also, keep in mind that I'm new to this writing stuff so my criticism might be kind of elementary but I'll just try to be honest and share what I felt when reading each entry. Good luck to all and happy writing!
Reviews:
1. toddhunter - The Love Letter: I hate to say it but I was really unimpressed by this one... Firstly I felt that all of the cursing was completely forced and really felt unnecessary. Secondly, neither the characters nor the plotline seemed to be developed at all and the ending was a bit horrid (sorry)... Thirdly there were a lot of plot holes in my opinion where you would say one thing but then almost forget what you said. In the beginning when you said that Bruce "...dropped (his old rickety police car) down onto the intergalactic space way", it sounded like, and I assumed that he was in space and that his vehicle broke down and he was floating. Then all of a sudden, a few swear word ridden paragraphs later, Peter, Bruce's partner, is getting out of the vehicle, squashing termites beneath his boot but then suddenly not with his boot but with with Bruce's vehicle that was supposedly broken down in the "intergalactic space way" but is now on the surface of some planet unbeknownst to the reader? There was a lot of confusion when I was reading it. I also get really annoyed when writers try to bring sexual interests into science fiction so I didn't feel the whole paragraph about her tail lifting her dress was necessary. A really good book called
The World Inside which was about the idea of Arcology and self sustaining man made super structures was nearly ruined because of too much of that for me. Personally, when I read sci-fi, I want it to make me think about life and death and ask questions about the meaning of it all and when something as trivial (in my opinion) as lustful sexual desires is thrown into the mix then it just ends up sounding like filler. I don't want to go much further, but I hope that these are seen as pointers and don't just bring you down. I thought your entry in the last challenge was absolutely brilliant and even told some friends at work about it who thought it sounded great too. Try to get back to writing things as good as that.
2. ThLunarian - Mirrored: Honestly the only part I liked about this one was the section that the title was based on; the mirror part. I think you should have focused on that a lot more and less on the dance part. I know that is what the whole theme is, but I think you could have maybe just had that as an outline while focusing most of your energy on the inhabiting of another being. It seems like this theme is really throwing a lot of people off and making non-musicians try to write about music and it's workings as if they know something of the theory behind it... It's a bit uncomfortable. I really didn't like the inclusion of the Lady Gaga song, and it had nothing to do with the fact that I don't like her. I just feel like it takes the timelessness out of a piece to throw a specific artist and song title in there like that. It also comes off sounding like the writer is just trying to say "Hey, this is what I've been listening to recently, so that's cool..." I personally could have included the name of the artist and song at the end of my story but decided against it because I wanted it to be more about what was happening than trying to show people what I listen to. It just wouldn't have added anything to the story, and probably would have just taken away from what I was trying to get at and I felt like adding the fact that Lady Gaga's
Bad Romance was the song that was playing really took away from your story. I did like the mirror part as I said though.
3. Bagels - Spinner: I really liked this story. The way you continued to hint at things that were such big deals to the story without blatantly saying them really kept me reading. It was like I knew what was happening but I wanted more out of it but I also didn't want it to not happen but I also wasn't sure and I thought I knew but I was confused and ergh sad happy can't it just work out in the end!!!jnjdkdscdijncdidcnidcdxcz. INNER TURMOIL FOR THE READER! That's good. It brought out emotions in me and drew me in. It was really heartbreaking too. Forbidden love gets me every time. Also, wowzers at the part about the duration of each dance class and how many beats there were to make up the minutes ticking on the clock and how there is so little time to spare. Really made me think about the shortness of life and how we can't just sit around and how we should try to make the most out of every moment and try to be as present as possible and notice the good things. Those are the things that good writing should make people think about. Well written too. I like the areas with really short sentences. It felt like it just kept the story moving and tumbling down to each oncoming idea. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but good job, nice work, and happy day.
4. Nezumi - Lift Up: This was extremely strange because it touched on a lot of things I've been dealing with and thinking about as of recent. I really enjoyed reading it. I would love to hear what it was that you left out. Anyways, I thought you made the grandmother's character very believable. I guess maybe it isn't that hard to write a grandmother and a lot of them tend to be similar, but she reminded me of my grandmother a lot at times during the story. In the part where you described the way she'd hear things that no one else seemed to be able to hear and would be distracted by it suddenly all while smiling quietly as if she knew something that no one else did. I assume you were referring to the music at that point, but I think it could just be anything. Just a peace of mind that I believe comes with growing old, a silent calm that washes over you and glazes over your eyes. I used to see that in my grandmother's face often. Anyways, there were a few minor grammatical errors and one sentence I would have written differently ("You see, I had moved out of my parents' house
over half a year ago to live in a small apartment in the city." < I think you could have left out the underlined part entirely. It sounded weird to me. Or maybe you could have worded it differently. '...over a half a year earlier' maybe? I don't know.) but over all good story.
5. Aguila - Locket: This story really didn't do anything for me. There wasn't really anything special about it to me. I kept waiting for something to catch my eye but then it just ended. I guess it was just supposed to be quietly nice but it just felt stagnant to me. I suppose if you aren't looking to shock anyone and just want to give someone something to read then it works. I hope that doesn't sound mean. I just personal was hoping for more. The dialog was just okay, but still was probably better than I could do; I'm terrible at character dialog. I guess my one pointer would be to try to take more risks maybe.
6. Aaron - The Lord High Executioner's Lament (An Opera): I usually hate reading things in this form (plays, operas, etc.) and I also usually dislike rhyming, but both of those didn't bother me with this story. I'm kind of an idiot so I was a bit confused as to what it all meant. I'm working on getting better at that. Anyways, I kind of liked how little you focused on the theme, only having that little section about the family of entertainers (I kept waiting for that to turn into the aristocrats joke...) and put more energy into the secondary. The visual at the end of the executioner raising the ax to execute himself was really moving. Again, I'm an idiot, so I keep doubting myself and thinking that maybe I was wrong in thinking that he's about to execute himself... I'm pretty sure that's what you were saying though. Overall I liked this story.
7. John Dunbar - People With Music In Their Lives: I read this one really late and it was really hard for me to get into because it started off so wordy. I feel like there wasn't really enough given to relate to the main character. Could he actually sing? Was he actually really bad? Was his voice just really good but so different that the mainstream industry guys just couldn't understand it so they beat it down? If his voice was that different and unique then why was he even mixed up with mainstream industry guys instead of doing his own thing independently? I was a bit confused and felt like I needed more to be able to decide to whether I wanted to side with the main character or not. There were a few lines that stood on their own that I really appreciated though. "This fortitude was a gift of all those who never stop seeing the beauty in a life that so often shatters the minds of its admirers." Stuff like that. There were a bunch of them and I like the way you word things. I just felt like I needed more out of this story.
8. Mike M - Ecomotors: Don't know how this relates to the theme or the secondary at all but I loved it. I was laughing out loud throughout. I really have very little to say about this one because I thought it was just perfect. I guess just try to keep the theme in mind next time. The tears of African orphans... Good stuff man. Hahahaha
9. Tangent - First-Hand Account of the Mysterious Events that Occurred on Rokeh Island: Dammit, I'm so bad at interpreting the stranger of the these stories... I liked this story and found it easy to read. It was, as you stated in the beginning, very factual. However, I lost you at the end. Is Kopeh a different island? What did that whole part about the bat mean? I had a vague feeling that you might have been saying that the whole of the story was a hallucination caused by rabies from the bat bite. That might have been kind of interesting, but I'm still really unsure as to what just happened. I did really enjoy the idea of a persons mood affecting their health and the environment around them though. I think about that a lot and am pretty convinced that that is partially true. Some members of my family seem to be so frazzled all the time and because of it their life gets so confusing and mangled. They are constantly losing things and getting hurt or sick. I usually am very orderly about things and try to have a method to everything I do because of how analytical I am and I feel like bad things rarely come my way. Whether that is because of my way of doing things and thinking, I am not sure, but I think it's a possibility. Anyways, I really liked that idea.
10. hey_monkey - Shitty's Bait Shop: This left me with a very stern look on my face pondering whether I should cry or just stop talking to anyone for a few days. My best friend from childhood's older brother just died a few days ago from drinking too much. I've yet to go visit his parents to let them know how sorry I am but it's got me thinking a lot about the death of a child and what that means to a parent. I'm a bit speechless after reading this one but I'll try to say something. The little world you created in this town was so real feeling. Maybe it was the simple minded way you spoke throughout the story. I'm not sure. But I can still clearly see every part of what you described. I particularly loved the image at the end. Two people in a dirty town just trying to live the only way they know how while providing each other with a small taste of happiness. It was a beautiful story to say the least.
11. Pau - A Harmony In The Mountain Air: This was a nice story from the perspective of a young boy. Not wordy or confusing at all. I do like stories that make me think a bit more, even if they do confuse me. But this one did have a good moral at the end; to stay true to yourself and not change for others and to find your own way regardless of what society deems as acceptable. Good read.
12. Cyan - Perambulation: Hot damn did I love this story. Like how the hell did you peer into my life and manage to write something as relevant to what I've been going through as this was? Seriously? This is weird. These guys at work, well everyone at work just about, have been messing with me a lot recently. One of them put a huge glob of peanut butter under the door handle to the drivers side of my truck that was so caked into the crevasses that it took a few days to get out. My father and everyone outside of work keeps telling me I should threaten them or retaliate in someway, but it's just not how I am. I don't get angry. I did about the peanut butter but that was the first time in years that I'v gotten that angry about something and all it did was make me realize that life is too short to let those feelings inside you. So I feel like it's even more impossible to make me angry now. I just know that I'm better than all that negative energy and don't have any anger for them but know that I'm making leaps and bounds as a person where they are still stuck in their childish minds. Sorry, this is supposed to be a critique... I really don't know what to say though. I loved this story so much, especially the part when he turns the mirror inward and has his realization. Just great. Thank you for that. I feel a lot less alone now.
13. ZeroRay - Dramatization For A Film: That was really weird. I don't have any idea what I just read or what it was supposed to mean. Maybe I'm just super tired and it's super late, but there seemed to be absolutely no explanation as to what that was. A massacre at a wedding but then I thought it was going to turn into a dream sequence with the large break in text but then I don't know if that was what happened and then with the name changing thing at the end. I'm sorry but that was way too confusing for this hour... You did have some interesting lines in there like the one about the black shadows looking down on him like mourners surrounding a casket. Keep throwing those sorts of things in there, but make more sense of the story. Actually, just stick to one thing. Either make it all super weird and have the point of it just be to create mental imagery or write a story that makes sense. I don't know what you should do. Sorry if that was harsh...
14. DumbNameD - Click: I really loved the way this started with the description of the towel. It's amazing how a well worded description of a simple household object can make it sound so elegant. And it's usually not so much that the object will have any sort of elegance to it at all, but more that there is an elegance that we manifest from memories of times past that we project onto the object and make it into something it's not. I mean after all, memories are all we really have because the present flies by so quickly that all we can do is remember it. The mind is a beautiful thing. Back to the review, I got a bit confused when the chaos began because I didn't quite realize where the story was going yet. Also, as a side note, I absolutely loved the line about the deadbolt lumbering into its shell. But once the action began and I realized what you were doing I got really excited to see where it would go even though I'd have to say that the beginning was my favourite part. Describing the world falling apart with riots and the whole nine yards but all described as if it were a big dance was a little confusing but the imagery more than made up for it all. I would have liked to understand why it all was happening and what the music box at the end meant. Maybe I'm just an idiot and missed something but that part kind of lost me. Anyways, that was a very interestingly creative way to incorporate the theme. Props for doings something new.
