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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #142 - "Retreat"

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N

Nezumi

Member
Theme - "Retreat"

Word Limit: 2000

Submission Deadline: Saturday, May 3rd at 11:59 PM

Voting begins Sunday, May 4th and goes until Tuesday, May 6th at 11:59 PM Pacific.

Optional Secondary Objective: Poem or Song

Develop a story around a poem or a song. Whether you decide to write your own or use a piece of work already in existence is up to you.

Submission Guidelines:

- One entry per poster.
- All submissions must be written during the time of the challenge.
- Using the topic as the title of your piece is discouraged.
- Keep to the word count!

Voting Guidelines:

- Three votes per voter. Please denote in your voting your 1st (3 pts), 2nd (2 pts), and 3rd (1 pt) place votes.
- Please read all submissions before voting.
- You must vote in order to be eligible to win the challenge.
- When voting ends, the winner gets a collective pat on the back, and starts the new challenge.

NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge FAQ
Previous Challenge Threads and Themes

The entries:

lastflowers - "Stack of Tiles"
Mike M - "Rhymes with Rout"
Ward - "Death's Threshing Floor"
Ourobolus - "La Chanson du Printemps"
Tangent - "Fighting the Inevitable"
Valerie Cherish - "Look at me, look at me, look at me."
Cyan - "And did those feet in ancient time"
multivac - "The Greatest Motivator"
Nezumi - "Hole"
Ashes - "In sickness & in health."
 
C

Cyan

Banned
There was a young man from Darjeeling
who got on a train bound for Eeling.
The sign on the door
said "don't spit on the floor"
so he looked up and spat on the ceiling.
 
O

Ourobolus

Banned
Milking in the name of!
Some of those that work horses, are the same that milk moo-cows
Some of those that work horses, are the same that milk moo-cows
Some of those that work horses, are the same that milk moo-cows
Some of those that work horses, are the same that milk moo-cows
Huh!

Milking in the name of!
Milking in the name of

And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
But now you milk what they told ya
Well now you milk what they told ya

Those in dairy are just as scary, for milking the heifer, instead of drinking Sprite
Just as scary, those in dairy, by milking the heifer, instead of drinking Sprite
Those in dairy are just as scary, for milking the heifer, instead of drinking Sprite
Just as scary, those in dairy, by milking the heifer, instead of drinking Sprite

Some of those that work forces, are the same that milk moo-cows
Some of those that work forces, are the same that milk moo-cows
Some of those that work forces, are the same that milk moo-cows
Some of those that work forces, are the same that milk moo-cows
Uggh!

Milking in the name of!
Milking in the name of

And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya, now you're under control
And now you milk what they told ya, now you're under control
And now you milk what they told ya, now you're under control
And now you milk what they told ya, now you're under control
And now you milk what they told ya, now you're under control
And now you milk what they told ya, now you're under control
And now you milk what they told ya, now you're under control
And now you milk what they told ya!

Those in dairy are just as scary, for milking the heifer, instead of drinking Sprite
Just as scary, those in dairy, by milking the heifer, instead of drinking Sprite
Those in dairy are just as scary, for milking the heifer, instead of drinking Sprite
Just as scary, those in dairy, by milking the heifer, instead of drinking Sprite
Come on!

Yeah! Come on!

Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me!
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me!
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me!
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me!
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me!
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me!
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me!
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me!
Motherfucker!
Uggh!
 
T

tirminyl

Member
Ourobolus said:
Milking in the name of!
Some of those that work horses, are the same that milk moo-cows
Some of those that work horses, are the same that milk moo-cows
Some of those that work horses, are the same that milk moo-cows
Some of those that work horses, are the same that milk moo-cows
Huh!

Milking in the name of!
Milking in the name of

And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
And now you milk what they told ya
But now you milk what they told ya
Well now you milk what they told ya
...
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me!
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me!
Fuck you, I won't milk what you tell me!
Motherfucker!
Uggh!
Click to expand...

You may have been facetious given the secondary objective or making commentary on the state of pop music but I must confess to you that I have resampled and remixed the the beat from Kelis' "Milkshake" in my head and made a damn catchy song! I am halfway convinced to actually produce it!
 
O

Ourobolus

Banned
tirminyl said:
You may have been facetious given the secondary objective or making commentary on the state of pop music but I must confess to you that I have resampled and remixed the the beat from Kelis' "Milkshake" in my head and made a damn catchy song! I am halfway convinced to actually produce it!
Click to expand...

Haha, nice. Yeah, it's not my submission. It'll probably end up being better than whatever I end up submitting though. :p
 
L

lastflowers

Banned
Nearly done with this one. My desires for overindulgences and rubber band snapping has been coming closer and closer to an end with every story. I did quite enjoy those broken rubber bands.....
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Hm, my idea is missing a very crucial detail that I just don't seem able to figure out. Hopefully it will come to me tonight, or tomorrow morning. Otherwise I have to see if I can find something else to go with the theme in the last minute.
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
Life has conspired to keep me from revising as much as I would like, and I didn't even think of a way to end it until yesterday, so mine's not quite as tight as I would like.

Also, I have a feeling my take is going to be one that at least one other person will do as well...
 
O

Ourobolus

Banned
Mike M said:
Life has conspired to keep me from revising as much as I would like, and I didn't even think of a way to end it until yesterday, so mine's not quite as tight as I would like.

Also, I have a feeling my take is going to be one that at least one other person will do as well...
Click to expand...
Yeah, I'm doing a story about a forgetful man and his really smart Labrador who tricks the man into giving him another Snausage, too.

I got nothing so far :/
 
I

itsinmyveins

Gets to pilot the crappy patrol labors
"Retreat" in what sense -- are we talking about like soldiers falling back or a type of resort? Or is it up to the writer to interpret?
 
V

Valerie Cherish

Member
"Look at me, look at me, look at me."

Quote for link (couldn't figure out how to password protect in the time I wanted to do it in). Tinyurl link that goes to Dropbox.

Nice to do another one of these writing challenges. :)
 
M

multivac

Member
Man, every time I do one of these. 400 words over :( But I'm going to make it! I can't fail this close after not entering in so long.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
I like the Saturday noon deadline better. Saturday midnight just means I blow my whole day procrastinating and/or trying to think of something. :/
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Cyan said:
I like the Saturday noon deadline better. Saturday midnight just means I blow my whole day procrastinating and/or trying to think of something. :/
Click to expand...

Same here. Feels like for every sentence I write, I spend half an hour looking at stupid stuff on the internet...
 
C

Cyan

Banned
And did those feet in ancient time

It was quiet on the hilltop. Restful. The scent of heather, the cool air on his skin, the taste of rain on the air. Grass rolling down the smooth slopes, broken rocks lining the path.

And far, far off, nearly on the horizon, so that he had to squint to see it: the red and orange of licking flames, the black low-hanging cloud. Burning villages. In his mind, he could hear the screams.

Even here, he could not escape it. Not far enough. Never far enough.

A man sat beside him, on a small rock that couldn't quite be called a boulder. The man hadn't been there a moment before. He hadn't approached, he hadn't sat down, he hadn't appeared in a conjuration. He was simply... there. His hair was dark and flowing, his eyes bright, and he wore a long white robe.

"Here to crow?"

The man turned to regard him, then turned his eyes to the horizon, the flames, the smoke. "I don't see a need for that. I take little pleasure in these games."

"Then why play?"

The man shrugged. "Are you ever... tempted?"

"Tempted?"

"To stop. To leave them to their own devices. To let them stand or fall on their own."

"No."

A faint smile crossed the man's lips. "Why are you here? So far away. Distant in mind and body."

"I need time away, once in a while. That doesn't mean I'm tempted to leave."

The man smiled.

"Well." He shifted about on his own rock. "Sometimes. When things get too difficult. Too many sick to heal, too many sinners to save, too many demands on my time and ears. I'm only one man, in the end."

The man nodded along. "And their demands, in light of that fact, are increasingly unreasonable. Yes?"

"Yes, but--" He paused. That wasn't it. "It's not that they're unreasonable. It's that with enough demands put on me, I begin to see those demands as unreasonable. That's why I come out here. Because if I didn't, that's when I would be tempted."

"So this quiet place is your refuge from temptation. Interesting."

He looked up at the man, sharply. "Don't even think it."

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't touch it. There's too much beauty here. Besides, it wouldn't work. Forever afterward, I'd think of coming here and know that you had prevented it."

The man raised both hand in front of him, palms forward. "All right. Nothing will be damaged. Fear not." He stood, brushed off his white robes. "Time I was going. I'll leave you to it."

He nodded at the man, and between one moment and the next the man was gone.

He leaned back and looked at the sky. Clouds gathered overhead. The rain would begin soon. But in the meantime... in the meantime he would sit quietly amid the scent of heather.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Well, look who forgot about this thread? This guy did. Congrats Nez. Was this a maiden win?

I'll upload my story asap.
 
A

Ashes

Banned
Nezumi said:
Yes, the other two times I was only upgraded to first place because the real winners wouldn't or couldn't vote.
Click to expand...

Oh I'd count those as a win too.

I know you won in the poetry thread. So the next step is to hold both titles concurrently! Good luck.
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Comments:

lastflowers: You have a way of building your sentences that throws me off sometimes. It makes the story hard to follow. I wish there was more "story" to this piece. There is just a lot of descriptions, some of which I really liked, but in the end there doesn't really happen anything.

Mike M: I liked it. The premise and the dialog were funny and even had me chuckle once or twice.

Ward: Even though this was a short piece I still thought it went on too long. I wasn't sure what the ending meant.

Ourobolus: I liked the imagery and I thought that you managed to capture the mood of a spring day rather good. Not sure why they were waiting for the wind to start their song though, considering that wind isn't particular limited to the spring.

Tangent: I'm starting to think that someone is obsessed with bunnies :) I liked the tone of it, but I think you should have concentrated either on the part that refers to the nursery rhyme or the first part dealing with the "rabbit-society". As it is the two parts don't really connect.

Valerie Cherish: The story was well written, but never managed to really grab me. The protagonist just seems a bit flat for me.

Cyan: I somehow pictured the two men as Jakob and "the man in black" from lost. With all the "he" and "the man" it was a bit confusing to keep track of who was talking. I liked it even though the premise isn't entirely new.

multivac: Cool idea, though I'm a bit surprised just how cool Eric reacts to the whole situation. And I couldn't help thinking that it would be rather difficult to escape from a room filled with werewolves and other monsters. All in all I think that with a little more words and fleshing out this would be a neat little story.

Nezumi: I think I had some idea where I wanted to go with this when I started writing... I must have lost it somewhere on the first page though.

Ashes: This read as if you wrote it down in a hurry and not only because the husband changes his name from John to Jack halfway through the story. The musings and emotions of the characters felt very authentic, as always, though.

Votes:

1.) Mike M
2.) multivac
3.) Ourobolus
 
O

Ourobolus

Banned
Nezumi said:
Ourobolus: I liked the imagery and I thought that you managed to capture the mood of a spring day rather good. Not sure why they were waiting for the wind to start their song though, considering that wind isn't particular limited to the spring.
Click to expand...

It wasn't really that they were waiting solely for the wind. Many of the "players" weren't there because of the winter. The wind was just the final piece.
 
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