I will not compromise the perfection of my Lemurian algebraic equations to appease you plebes : POnly if you don't mess up your math again
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #142 - "Retreat"
- Thread starter Nezumi
- Start date
- Status
I'm ashamed to admit that I had to google that...
Bet you didn't know lemurs were so accomplished at algebra.
EDIT: Alright, got feedback for everyone except lastflowers, because I can't open the link on mobile in any way that I have been able to determine.
So all y'all just have to wait : P
Well that server hiccup was annoying. I had all the tabs opened for each story so I got to read them while things came back...
lastflowers - It's a bit hard to read. I think I get where you were going, but the descriptions of...well, most things, seemed either poorly worded or poorly put together. Like a comma was misplaced or something. It cast a shade across what the story was really about, I felt.
Mike M - No mention of fantasy creatures...check. Ok, now, let's see...
It was good. Nothing really deficient. I'd say that maybe the initial discussion about the "rout" may have gone a tad too long, but that's nitpicky.
Ward - I'm confused. I was fine until the tendril part, but I have no idea what that represented.
Tangent - I had a good chuckle. Like Watership Down meets Douglas Adams. I don't really see what the pastor had much to do with anything. Outside of a line about good fairies and bad fairies, there was a lot of space devoted to other talk about being prey and whatnot that didn't seem very relevant.
I'll definitely show my wife the bunny pics, since she is certainly obsessed.
Valerie Cherish - So is he embarassed about being seen in there? There's a lot of talk of privacy and hiding but it's almost like it was the main detail of the story but then went nowhere. Other than that, it just seems like a rather straightforward casual relationship, with some innuendo thrown in for good measure (not that that's a bad thing).
Cyan - I started reading and went, "Jacob?" Then I saw Nezumi's review and laughed. Anyway, it's all right.
multivac - Delightfully ludicrous, although I was half-expecting Axe Cop to show up somewhere. It was goofy and clearly didn't take itself seriously, which I like. A little too random here and there though.
Nezumi - I'm not sure what to make of this, actually. It seems like Jawad is the "gundi" (or rather, represented by the gundi) in the childrens' game, but then the last part of the poem implies that he drowned when it rained...but in actuality he just disappeared? I'm not sure what the point is here, or maybe I'm just daft.
Ashes - Pretty good as usual. I think the dialogue was written very well - it flowed pretty naturally. Kudos.
Ourobolus - Seriously. Just stop writing. Save us all.
1. Ashes
2. Mike M
3. mutlivac
lastflowers - It's a bit hard to read. I think I get where you were going, but the descriptions of...well, most things, seemed either poorly worded or poorly put together. Like a comma was misplaced or something. It cast a shade across what the story was really about, I felt.
Mike M - No mention of fantasy creatures...check. Ok, now, let's see...
It was good. Nothing really deficient. I'd say that maybe the initial discussion about the "rout" may have gone a tad too long, but that's nitpicky.
Ward - I'm confused. I was fine until the tendril part, but I have no idea what that represented.
Tangent - I had a good chuckle. Like Watership Down meets Douglas Adams. I don't really see what the pastor had much to do with anything. Outside of a line about good fairies and bad fairies, there was a lot of space devoted to other talk about being prey and whatnot that didn't seem very relevant.
I'll definitely show my wife the bunny pics, since she is certainly obsessed.
Valerie Cherish - So is he embarassed about being seen in there? There's a lot of talk of privacy and hiding but it's almost like it was the main detail of the story but then went nowhere. Other than that, it just seems like a rather straightforward casual relationship, with some innuendo thrown in for good measure (not that that's a bad thing).
Cyan - I started reading and went, "Jacob?" Then I saw Nezumi's review and laughed. Anyway, it's all right.
multivac - Delightfully ludicrous, although I was half-expecting Axe Cop to show up somewhere. It was goofy and clearly didn't take itself seriously, which I like. A little too random here and there though.
Nezumi - I'm not sure what to make of this, actually. It seems like Jawad is the "gundi" (or rather, represented by the gundi) in the childrens' game, but then the last part of the poem implies that he drowned when it rained...but in actuality he just disappeared? I'm not sure what the point is here, or maybe I'm just daft.
Ashes - Pretty good as usual. I think the dialogue was written very well - it flowed pretty naturally. Kudos.
Ourobolus - Seriously. Just stop writing. Save us all.
1. Ashes
2. Mike M
3. mutlivac
I don't do fantasy creatures that much, do I?
Nah, not really.
Glad we agree, I was prepared to mount a most vigorous rebuttal : )
lastflowers: Zippo is a brand name and should be capitalized : P Had kind of a delirious, drunken quality to it, which I'm going to assume is intentional (because phrases like "[the moon] was a massive thing, so near he could grab a spoon and eat it like in the movies" would make absolutely no sense otherwise) given the state of mind of the main character, but like having a conversation with someone who is totally blitzed out of their mind, the cadence and train of thought don't necessarily translate for the sober party.
Mike M: I had a real hard time coming up with an ending, even though in retrospect it seemed kind of obvious. Originally it was just a one paragraph summation of their performance and being sentenced to prison, but that didn't work at all. Then I wrote out the whole performance and had dialogue from the king, only it was dragging on forever without any jokes and I realized that I *still* didnt have a way to end it. Then I just skipped ahead to the imprisonment, and that seemed to work out okay. Turned out okay in the end, even though theres a bit of hand waving about the incredulity of the situation and it is once again me indulging my penchant for writing characters who fancy themselves intellectuals talking circles around their perceived inferiors.
Ward: Anamorphic mass, or amorphic? Because the latter makes more sense to me in the context of what was going on in the story. Interesting depiction, but it kind of overstays its welcome and spends too much time looking down upon humanity. The revelation at the end that lives are just fragments of the greater Death entity that had snapped off is a bit too much of a tonal shift for me, because up until that point the narration has been all about sneering at how clueless people are and how no one respects Death like they used to. Then at the end, our understanding changes that these clueless people are in fact just wayward pieces of Death, so why the hostility toward them? Looking back, Id expect a bit more a sympathetic tone toward them. I at least am pretty sure I got what was going on at the end : )
Ourobolus: A pleasant little story. I was completely expecting a downer ending where the man who arrived turned out to be a lumberjack who cut down the trees. My only real gripe was the end about the wind having arrived, because the entire story was about the trees waiting for the man to arrive. But then it turns out that the man is providing percussion, and the wind was actually the maestro, I guess? I could have done with more clarity on that point, as the mention of the wind was totally out of left field and its importance wasnt clear. Also, I would question the describing of winter as a blistering season, as I associate blisters pretty strongly with heat. Though I suppose upon reflection Ive probably heard the term blistering cold at some point.
Tangent: Honestly, I think youd have been better served to dial down the scientific accuracy a bit. For instance, yes, rabbits eat their night droppings, but its disgusting and no one wants to read about it in a story that anthromorphosizes rabbits because our minds cant help but jump to the thought of *people* eating feces. Plus, you open yourself up for criticism like this: Rabbits have litters of what, like nine kits at a time? Even if we allow for litters of a dozen, if Fulfor has 46 children, most of them are going to be well over two months old, if not adult sized! #teamscience Heh heh : ) Also, probably spent a little too much time getting to the part about the song, you probably could have cut out everything after the Circle meeting to Fulfor running wild in the field and not really lost much. Cute pictures though!
Valerie Cherish: I get the impression that the contrast between the title and the fact that its repeatedly emphasized that no one is looking is supposed to be meaningful, but its lost on me. Not a knock, Im actually just spectacularly terrible at recognizing or implementing symbolism and metaphor, so I notice details like that and sit there agonizing whether or not Ive missed something. A well constructed and subdued depiction of explicit events, but there wasnt much of a payoff. I was actually a little bit confused by the last few lines, first in parsing that the two characters walking opposite directions meant that one of them was just walking back inside the building and not the opposite way down the sidewalk (Wouldnt that be walking in perpendicular directions?), and the final line of Lets go home confused me because I had no idea who the us in that sentence is supposed to be. Royal plural?
Cyan: Awww, you make me feel bad for taking the impetus to change back the voting times : ( Anyhoo, if we were supposed to know who these two characters speaking were, I missed it. I got that they were immortal or near enough to it, but that was it. There were enough brief sketching that I could make an educated guess at the scope and scale of whatever game theyre playing against one another, but Im still completely in the dark as to their motivations for doing so. Also, it was a bit difficult to keep track of who was speaking at any given moment, since theyre both unnamed men. Outside of that, nothing particularly wrong with it (except perhaps for a small rock that was not quite a boulder being a nearly nonsensical statement to me, since I think of boulders as being BIG rocks), but seems to have the promise of interesting hooks without actually delivering.
Multivac: I felt some things were kind of questionable. Erik seems entirely unperturbed that this woman is dressed in summer wear despite it being cold enough for him to be shivering uncontrollably in three layers of clothing and a coat? A fifty-foot vaulted ceiling in a ski lodge? He takes the job without even asking her name? He doesnt show even an ounce of fear at the prospect of being trapped in a ski lodge of monsters? I mean, I get the greatest motivator part of it and all, but that can only go so far before the suspension of disbelief snaps. You have all the makings of a zany, screwball comedy story here, but not a lot in the way of the actual humor that would make it work for me. See our whole writing comedy is hard post mortem a few threads ago : )
Nezumi: I dont think I get it The marble playing is supposed to be a metaphor for the events in the song, and I guess the flashback story was supposed to be those events playing out? Only the people were animals and none of them actually came by with attempts to entice the guy out of the hole, and then there was some other dude and then they were both gone while in the song the gundi drowned? Further complicating the matter is that I keep wanting to think about Djinn living in holes in the ground. Im not at all sure if the two are even related, but my brain keeps trying to make the connection.
Ashes: While Im cognizant of the fact that Jack is a nickname for John, I forget it frequently and have always hated it because it makes absolutely no sense to me that the former could be derived from the latter. So I feel for Nezumi on that one : ) Anyway, I had to reread this to realize that they had been in a car accident (and even then, Im presuming, but Im relatively certain Im correct). I spent the rest of the time wondering when we were going to revisit and expound upon the circumstances that had brought them to the opening of the story, only it never happened. Seems kind of odd that this would happen, and that no one would mention or talk about it, even with the express mention that John was prone to silences. Par for the course, well realized characters, but not a lot of action to maintain my interest. Im incredibly superficial like that.
Votes:
1.) Ward
2.) Valerie Cherish
3.) Ourobolus
What the shit?
Should be working now?
Rhymes With Rout
No idea what happened there, it was working earlier...
Should be working now?
Rhymes With Rout
No idea what happened there, it was working earlier...
The problem is that I was trying to get the two concepts I had in my head working together and failed. Originally I wanted to write a story about a man digging himself a hole and sitting there, either dying or having some sort of revelation. Than I had the idea with the game and thought that it would be cool to write it as if the game was inspired by those events, only that time had changed them so much that not much was left of the "real" events.
Jawad is supposed to be taken to hell by the devil (the mysterious man appearing at night) to be punished for his wish to throw away all responsibility and the gundi drowns because of his refusal to interact with others.
That would probably explain why I wasn't having any luck looking up what a gundi was. Heh.
Works, tanks.
Here you go (The German entry is way longer though...) I have to say though, that you were the one person I was counting on to know what kind of animal that was.
I only picked it because when I went through the lists of rodents I liked the name.
Ah, ok. I'm not trying to be defensive about it - just providing...clarity, I guess? I don't mind criticism, it's the only way I'm going to get any better anyway.
Yeah, I totally get that. I think there's a fine line there, though, and it's easy to flit back and forth across it without really noticing. Which is why I usually prefer not to respond at all. That's not to say you should feel obligated to do the same, but I think it's good practice in general.
We used to have a guy who really did argue back and fight critiques. It was unfortunate--he had a few really strong writing skills, but was lacking in other areas. But it got harder and harder to give him critiques because you knew in the back of your head that whatever you said he would fight you on. Dude could be a hell of a writer if he was more willing to try to improve on his weaknesses.
Phhhht. I just charge ahead regardless.
I write my stories with the INTENT of responding to your critiques.
Bull.
1. I've given you critiques.
2. I've changed my take on your stories, months down the line, several times.
I'm sure I probably come across as over-eager a lot of the time, but I know that I personally have an unslakable thirst for feedback and critique, because it is the only way I'll ever improve.I've noticed that about you.
I'm not an editor, but at the very least I think I have a solid feel for sentence structure and punctuation, even if I can't cite grammatical rules. I just try and be as helpful for others as I hope others would be for me.
lastflowers
Banned
and no one should want it any other way
Valerie Cherish
Member
Two apologies:
1)multivac: I don't know if this is because in on my phone, but each time I click your Dropbox link, I get a disabled link page :/ So, I wasn't able to read your entry
2) the notes I have are on my computer at home, but I won't be back before voting ends so I am just... Voting for now
1. Tangent
2. Ourobolus
3. Ashes
1)multivac: I don't know if this is because in on my phone, but each time I click your Dropbox link, I get a disabled link page :/ So, I wasn't able to read your entry
2) the notes I have are on my computer at home, but I won't be back before voting ends so I am just... Voting for now
1. Tangent
2. Ourobolus
3. Ashes
Okay, something is definitely up with the Dropbox links this week. Both his and mine were working fine before : / I copied a new public link for mine, and it was a completely different URL and working again.
Well, I don't know what happened. Worked fine before but doesn't work for me now either. I put it in a different folder and made a new link:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/yti6kb8xr1cqapg/_thegreatestmotivator.pdf
Okay, double post to make it more visible.
About to start reading, and Valerie and Tangent, your DropBox links aren't working anymore either
Hmm, weird. try this maybe
Tangent, I need a new link so I can read your story!
The urgency of your statement matches the beads of sweat on your Avatar! How fitting. I hope the new link works...
Valerie Cherish
Member
Did anyone happen to grab a download of Valerie's story they could send me? Voting deadline is in 20 minutes
I think if too many people access a file, it disables people from access?
Quote for link, but no worries since it's... 11:51 hahh
The lemurs inform me that it's currently a 3-way tie!
But what do they know, they're lemurs.
Who else are we missing before we go to the tie-breaking?
Probably time to tie-break. Our first tie-breaker of counting second-place votes still leaves us with two people. I don't think we ever officially picked a second tie-breaker, but in the past when this has happened I've gone with "least recent winner." In this case that would be Val. Unless our thread starter has any objections?
The Results:
1st Place (tie): Valerie Cherish - "Look at me, look at me, look at me."
1st Place (tie): Ashes - "In sickness & in health."
1st Place (tie): Mike M - "Rhymes with Rout"
Vote Count:
Valerie Cherish - 8 (2)
Ashes - 8 (2)
Mike M - 8 (1)
multivac - 7
Tangent - 6 (2)
Ourobolus - 6
Ward - 3 (1)
Cyan - 2
Congrats, Val!
1st Place (tie): Valerie Cherish - "Look at me, look at me, look at me."
1st Place (tie): Ashes - "In sickness & in health."
1st Place (tie): Mike M - "Rhymes with Rout"
Vote Count:
Valerie Cherish - 8 (2)
Ashes - 8 (2)
Mike M - 8 (1)
multivac - 7
Tangent - 6 (2)
Ourobolus - 6
Ward - 3 (1)
Cyan - 2
Congrats, Val!
Valerie Cherish
Member
I need an adult.
At work right now, but holy shit, I didn't believe it. Thank you I'm not sure how I'll post either, but if anyone can volunteer, I will gladly get the post ready tonight or tomorrow, at the latest.
I should be working.
Thank you again everyone
At work right now, but holy shit, I didn't believe it. Thank you
I'm not sure how I'll post either, but if anyone can volunteer, I will gladly get the post ready tonight or tomorrow, at the latest. I should be working.
Thank you again everyone
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