Act II, Scene II½
PERSONS REPRESENTED
Peter, 3D Master. In a party hat.
Meethos, Art Director. Directly into your soul he stares.
The Community Manager Community. Masha, Nikita, Gorn, and Artyom. United.
Igor, Igor. Fills awkward emptiness.
Liu, Tabletop Master. Has learned something this year.
Alphyna, Chief of Localization. Has once said Entschuldigen Sie, bitte while meaning to say Sorry (while being in Russia).
Mushroomer, Composer. In mushrooms (as a life form) he trusts.
Anna, Artist. Still new here. Ayrat, Managing Director. Where did that incredible tan come from?
Nikolay, Creative Lead. Also present for some reason.
Ivan, Game Designer. Is in for a surprise.
Master of Ceremonies, offstage. Highly unlikely to have been drawn by Gerald Scarfe.
***
(The stage is dark and silent. The silence takes quite some timeif anyone was to watch it, theyd probably feel uncomfortable. A glaringly bright spotlight is turned on after a while. There is a single chair in the middle of the stage. Peter is seated upon it.
Peter is quiet.)
Master of Ceremonies Voice (from offstage): Well?
Peter: What?
MCs Voice: Speak up!
Peter: About what?
MCs Voice (annoyed): Do you know what day it is today?
(Peter is silent.)
MCs Voice: Okay, let me give you a hint. Its the day when everything youve been doing, everything youve worked hard to achieve is summed up and analyzed. The day when you can finally relax and spend some time with your friends and family. The day when miracles are in the air, and even the most unlikely is bound to happen. A day of joy and peace.
(Pause.)
MCs Voice: So?..
Peter (confused): I thought the campaign ended some time ago?
(The spotlight is turned off. When its finally on again, Meethos is seated on the chair. He glares silently. The silence is getting more awkward by the minute.)
MCs Voice: ...Yeah, doesnt work like that. Next!
(The spotlight is turned off. When its on, the Community Manager Community is onstage. Theyre standing around the chair as if to show that someone more important is supposed to be sitting there. Volunteers are noticeably lacking.)
The Community Manager Community (in unison): Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle
something something
MCs Voice: Finally someones making sense here. (Calms down.) So, what has this year brought you?
The Community Manager Community (in unison): Ayrat has learned that managing a pre-planned project is way smoother than improvising every day. Ivan has made a great presentation about shark love. Liu has become a master of maintaining office mood. Nikolay
MCs Voice (interrupts them): Thats all fine and good, but what about you?
The Community Manager Community (in unison): You who?
MCs Voice (irritated): You! You four! You personally!
(The chair is somehow vacant again. To be precise, it has been vacant for some time, The Community Manager Community standing around it, but now its, like, very vacant. When Igor enters and sits down, its once again simply vacant. Liu enters next, looks around in slight confusion, sits down.)
Liu (cheerfully): So, its resolution time, right?
MCs Voice (a bit angrily): No, its tell a heartwarming story summing your whole goddamn year up time! Youre supposed to show the audience what youve learned, how youve improved, and how thatll help you improve their experiences!
Liu: Well, I want a pony.
MCs Voice: What?
Liu: I want a pony. Thats what Ive learned. (Agitated.) Resolution time! I promise that next year Ill find a way for someone to gift me one!
MCs Voice (exasperated): What? No! This is wrong on so many
Thats not how resolutions
And you were supposed to switch places when the spotlight is off!
Ayrats Voice (from backstage): Ive always wanted to ask. What if we just dressed someone as a pony? Thatd be cheaper.
Liu (curious): Will they neigh and touch my palm gently when eating cookies?
Ayrats Voice (from backstage): Ponies dont eat cookies.
(Liu is shocked. The MC takes advantage of her state to call for stage workers. Hesitant to touch a lady in need, they just carry her away with the chair. The MC suddenly notices that the spotlight is still on. Its off now. When the light is shining once again theres Alphyna onstage, standing without a chair or any sign of awkwardness.)
Alphyna (in a well-rehearsed tone): С Новым годом!
MCs Voice: Wrong language. Next!
Mushroomer (somehow present in a second): Merry Christmas!
MCs Voice: Wrong timeframe. Next!
Anna (also miraculously present): I, uh
Im new here
Happy birthday maybe?
MCs Voice (desperate): Wrong!!
(The spotlight is off. The pause is long. When its on again, Ayrat is onstage. Hes wearing a fancy suit, looking neat as a pin.)
Ayrat (calmly): Its been a good year. Our biggest success is quite obviousif it wasnt for the Kickstarter campaign, you wouldnt be reading this. Or maybe watching, postmodern jokes arent my strongest suit. Im better at managing people and devising programming. That, perhaps, is the reason why I also notice smaller, less obvious successes that are nevertheless very important and that define our day-to-day life and work.
(The MC allows for an awed sigh. Ayrat allows for a dainty smile, continuing confidently.)
Ayrat: Were living through a great time now. Technology is at its best, having become accessible but not mundane. You can achieve anythingseems like now for the first time it only depends on will and skill.
Nikolay (somehow present): But its also a trap. Ice-Pick Lodge has always been a collection of lunatics and artists shouting out the things on their mindand those things have sometimes come out as gibberish. But this gibberish is also the most important thing we have, its the most us thing we can offer to the world. Smoothing out the pipeline, improving technologies, maintaining a working business are all essentialbut so is preserving identity. Which is hard when youre just a bunch of loonies.
Ayrat: I think weve found the right balance this time.
Nikolay (misty-eyed): We did, yes. We can finally work and argue at the same time.
Ayrat: I mean, until you disappear once again.
Nikolay (cluelessly): Yeah, yeah.
Ayrat (sternly): Leaving behind the people whose schedule and work depends on you.
(Nikolay is for some reason still present, but quite obviously incapable of human speech. Ayrat sighs. He still looks painfully genteel though.)
MCs Voice: Finally! I knew there must be someone coherent among you. Thanks. And for that Ill grant you a miraclethe season demands it, after all. Ivan, you can now come back to life!
(Everyones confused. Everyones onstage together, by the way. Probably another miracle.)
Ivan (alive): Hooray! Its me! Finally back to life! Action beckons!
Peter (quietly): Who is this?
Ayrat (quietly): Probably the guy
Liu (unbearable sadness in her voice): The guy we were supposed to dress as a pony!
Ivan (unperturbed): Im still here, you know. Neigh.
Liu: Well, yeah, but now youre moving!
(The scene is also moving. As in touching. As in its supposed to finally warm hearts. Confetti flying all over the place.)
Peter (seems to remember something): Oooh, I get it now! (Gathers a handful of confetti.) Ive seen this stuff when I was a child! I know what it means!
(Everyone stares at him.)
Peter: It means we need a janitor.
(He revels in the reaction, maintaining the pause a bit longer than is advised by the good taste. Quite a bit longer. For, like, ten minutes straight.)
Peter: Oh, and Happy New Year!