Act II, Scene II½
PERSONS REPRESENTED
Peter, 3D Master. In a party hat.
Meethos, Art Director. Directly into your soul he stares.
The Community Manager Community™. Masha, Nikita, Gorn, and Artyom. United.
Igor, Igor. Fills awkward emptiness.
Liu, Tabletop Master. Has learned something this year.
Alphyna, Chief of Localization. Has once said “Entschuldigen Sie, bitte” while meaning to say “Sorry” (while being in Russia).
Mushroomer, Composer. In mushrooms (as a life form) he trusts.
Anna, Artist. Still new here. Ayrat, Managing Director. Where did that incredible tan come from?
Nikolay, Creative Lead. Also present for some reason.
Ivan, Game Designer. Is in for a surprise.
Master of Ceremonies, offstage. Highly unlikely to have been drawn by Gerald Scarfe.
***
(The stage is dark and silent. The silence takes quite some time—if anyone was to watch it, they’d probably feel uncomfortable. A glaringly bright spotlight is turned on after a while. There is a single chair in the middle of the stage. Peter is seated upon it.
Peter is quiet.)
Master of CeremoniesÂ’ Voice (from offstage): Well?
Peter: What?
MCÂ’s Voice: Speak up!
Peter: About what?
MCÂ’s Voice (annoyed): Do you know what day it is today?
(Peter is silent.)
MCÂ’s Voice: Okay, let me give you a hint. ItÂ’s the day when everything youÂ’ve been doing, everything youÂ’ve worked hard to achieve is summed up and analyzed. The day when you can finally relax and spend some time with your friends and family. The day when miracles are in the air, and even the most unlikely is bound to happen. A day of joy and peace.
(Pause.)
MCÂ’s Voice: So?..
Peter (confused): I thought the campaign ended some time ago?
(The spotlight is turned off. When itÂ’s finally on again, Meethos is seated on the chair. He glares silently. The silence is getting more awkward by the minute.)
MCÂ’s Voice: ...Yeah, doesnÂ’t work like that. Next!
(The spotlight is turned off. When itÂ’s on, the Community Manager Community is onstage. TheyÂ’re standing around the chair as if to show that someone more important is supposed to be sitting there. Volunteers are noticeably lacking.)
The Community Manager Community (in unison): Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingleÂ… something somethingÂ…
MCÂ’s Voice: Finally someoneÂ’s making sense here. (Calms down.) So, what has this year brought you?
The Community Manager Community (in unison): Ayrat has learned that managing a pre-planned project is way smoother than improvising every day. Ivan has made a great presentation about shark love. Liu has become a master of maintaining office mood. NikolayÂ…
MCÂ’s Voice (interrupts them): ThatÂ’s all fine and good, but what about you?
The Community Manager Community (in unison): “You” who?
MCÂ’s Voice (irritated): You! You four! You personally!
(The chair is somehow vacant again. To be precise, it has been vacant for some time, The Community Manager Community standing around it, but now itÂ’s, like, very vacant. When Igor enters and sits down, itÂ’s once again simply vacant. Liu enters next, looks around in slight confusion, sits down.)
Liu (cheerfully): So, itÂ’s resolution time, right?
MC’s Voice (a bit angrily): No, it’s “tell a heartwarming story summing your whole goddamn year up” time! You’re supposed to show the audience what you’ve learned, how you’ve improved, and how that’ll help you improve their experiences!
Liu: Well, I want a pony.
MCÂ’s Voice: What?
Liu: I want a pony. ThatÂ’s what IÂ’ve learned. (Agitated.) Resolution time! I promise that next year IÂ’ll find a way for someone to gift me one!
MCÂ’s Voice (exasperated): What? No! This is wrong on so manyÂ… ThatÂ’s not how resolutionsÂ… And you were supposed to switch places when the spotlight is off!
AyratÂ’s Voice (from backstage): IÂ’ve always wanted to ask. What if we just dressed someone as a pony? ThatÂ’d be cheaper.
Liu (curious): Will they neigh and touch my palm gently when eating cookies?
AyratÂ’s Voice (from backstage): Ponies donÂ’t eat cookies.
(Liu is shocked. The MC takes advantage of her state to call for stage workers. Hesitant to touch a lady in need, they just carry her away with the chair. The MC suddenly notices that the spotlight is still on. ItÂ’s off now. When the light is shining once again thereÂ’s Alphyna onstage, standing without a chair or any sign of awkwardness.)
Alphyna (in a well-rehearsed tone): С Новым годом!
MCÂ’s Voice: Wrong language. Next!
Mushroomer (somehow present in a second): Merry Christmas!
MCÂ’s Voice: Wrong timeframe. Next!
Anna (also miraculously present): I, uhÂ… IÂ’m new hereÂ… Happy birthday maybe?
MCÂ’s Voice (desperate): Wrong!!
(The spotlight is off. The pause is long. When itÂ’s on again, Ayrat is onstage. HeÂ’s wearing a fancy suit, looking neat as a pin.)
Ayrat (calmly): It’s been a good year. Our biggest success is quite obvious—if it wasn’t for the Kickstarter campaign, you wouldn’t be reading this. Or maybe watching, postmodern jokes aren’t my strongest suit. I’m better at managing people and devising programming. That, perhaps, is the reason why I also notice smaller, less obvious successes that are nevertheless very important and that define our day-to-day life and work.
(The MC allows for an awed sigh. Ayrat allows for a dainty smile, continuing confidently.)
Ayrat: We’re living through a great time now. Technology is at its best, having become accessible but not mundane. You can achieve anything—seems like now for the first time it only depends on will and skill.
Nikolay (somehow present): But it’s also a trap. Ice-Pick Lodge has always been a collection of lunatics and artists shouting out the things on their mind—and those things have sometimes come out as gibberish. But this gibberish is also the most important thing we have, it’s the most “us” thing we can offer to the world. Smoothing out the pipeline, improving technologies, maintaining a working business are all essential—but so is preserving identity. Which is hard when you’re just a bunch of loonies.
Ayrat: I think weÂ’ve found the right balance this time.
Nikolay (misty-eyed): We did, yes. We can finally work and argue at the same time.
Ayrat: I mean, until you disappear once again.
Nikolay (cluelessly): Yeah, yeah.
Ayrat (sternly): Leaving behind the people whose schedule and work depends on you.
(Nikolay is for some reason still present, but quite obviously incapable of human speech. Ayrat sighs. He still looks painfully genteel though.)
MC’s Voice: Finally! I knew there must be someone coherent among you. Thanks. And for that I’ll grant you a miracle—the season demands it, after all. Ivan, you can now come back to life!
(EveryoneÂ’s confused. EveryoneÂ’s onstage together, by the way. Probably another miracle.)
Ivan (alive): Hooray! ItÂ’s me! Finally back to life! Action beckons!
Peter (quietly): Who is this?
Ayrat (quietly): Probably the guyÂ…
Liu (unbearable sadness in her voice): The guy we were supposed to dress as a pony!
Ivan (unperturbed): IÂ’m still here, you know. Neigh.
Liu: Well, yeah, but now youÂ’re moving!
(The scene is also moving. As in touching. As in itÂ’s supposed to finally warm hearts. Confetti flying all over the place.)
Peter (seems to remember something): Oooh, I get it now! (Gathers a handful of confetti.) IÂ’ve seen this stuff when I was a child! I know what it means!
(Everyone stares at him.)
Peter: It means we need a janitor.
(He revels in the reaction, maintaining the pause a bit longer than is advised by the good taste. Quite a bit longer. For, like, ten minutes straight.)
Peter: Oh, and Happy New Year!