It's Jeff
Banned
Well, used to call myself feminist - but having faced the family court during my divorce and having uphill struggle to get a fair settlement & shared child custody... I don't consider myself as feminist anymore. I still do support equal rights, but at this point I'm to defend my own rights and survival on daily basis. I don't consider myself MRA either. IMO, Feminists and MRA both seem to be just mocking at each other to extreme, just like political extremists on either end at this point. As a mere individual, I just plan to ride out my life quietly, doing as best as I can as I always have been, always reflecting what I learn every day, carefully. Who knows, I may find someone else down the road, but I plan to dedicate my life to raise my child as best as I can first, as a father.
Remember seeing the scene in Ant-man. Before divorce I had no second thought on the main character counting days to come up with child support with his minimum wage so that he can see his daughter, or getting kicked out of his daughter's birthday party - Sadly such scene is a reality for many fathers. Fortunately (after spending nearly $70k on legal fees) - I got away relatively okay... just lost half of the house that I paid mostly, I pay extra $500/mo on child support cause - but at least no alimony, and best of all I have 50/50 on child custody - but child relocation battle seems to be looming up in the horizon, I'm afraid - so I have to be saving every penny.
During my marriage - I did at least 60-70% of house chores in and out, including child caring and cooking for my child's specific diet (has severe allergy) every day. Never abused my ex, and always loved her and treated her with respect. Even took her psycho (anger management issue) divorced sister and her daughter under my wing because I felt sorry for my niece - wanted to provide her stable residence for 7 years (they were moving like nomads because her mother's anger issues) till she went off to college from her abusive mother. Didn't even raise my voice (well.. 2 times I did - over 15 years) and always talked through calmly and listened with greatest intent. I gave her 100% of my earnings (which made at least 60+% of entire household income), and I had not spent a dime on myself either. Dropped all my hobbies from bachelor days and sold them off when we built our house. I supported my ex thru her grad school, she got U.S. citizenship thru me, her psycho sister and my niece got green card using my address, and I literally helped my ex get her career bloom with my full support. Few years before our divorce, though - she started to work 70+ hour week with many frequent business trips, leaving the child to my care most of the time.
Ultimately it was my ex's constant lying and her infidelity with another man - her ex bf thru social media & secret Skype account - and thanks to no-fault divorce, one of the key feminist achievement, there was nothing I could do when she filed for divorce but to face the uphill battle for what's left. And no, she didn't even want to try out for counseling, even when I begged to do it for the family, especially for our child. I still remember her rambling of how marriage is part of patriarchy and an oppression of women - that it's a shackle that binds a woman's heart and freedom to just one man. Ironically, I was the one who introduced her to Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In", hoping it would expand her horizon. She started mingle with one who were cheating her NYT editor husband with her superior at work etc... Ex tells me few days before divorce - that "you are the perfect husband one could ever ask for - you'd have been fine if you were married to any other woman."
Had to go thru 4 years of that sheer hell of walking on eggshell trying to save the marriage & family, had been neglected and rejected in bed a year before that, lost 35lbs due to stress - I am practically a virgin now, since I haven't had sex for over 5 years now - I did not have any affairs, not even slight flirtations during marriage (15 yrs - and 4 was spent on the verge of divorce/divorce proceedings), and after divorce of last year - as I have been too busy to getting back on my feet for my child's sake and trying to provide stable household.
Only thing that I wished in my life was to have a happy, loving little family of three of us... looking after each other, fulfilling our potential, grow old together, hand in hand. After having living independently since the age of 15 all by myself and made myself thru poverty to college with a full scholarship, to a respected member of well known company, a minority with English being 2nd language to boot with - I am not sure if it was too much to dream for. I maybe an exception in the larger pool - but that doesn't justify the pain that I and especially my child had go thru of broken family, which feminism didn't really helped keeping it together at all. Actually it worked against it, in the form of no-fault divorce and opposing default shared custody. Even if your pain maybe bigger than mine, it doesn't mean that I am not in pain. I won't be in the way of feminism or their crusade of equality - as my ex always says "hey' it's a free country" - but at the same time, I just don't want to be in the frontline of supporting it either.
One funny example of my ex, while I'm talking...
Over the Syrian refugee crisis - she was all for accepting refugees (which I agree) - but one day, a few weeks before that I found out that she had already filed in for divorce behind my back, she comes home during evening from work (it was summer, so still light out around 8:30pm - 9pm) with company paid Uber ride. She rose her to a Director position at work - a position that she always dreamed of - so it was her privilege to have Uber ride after certain hours. Anyhow, the driver happened to be an islam believer, and he had to pray on sunset or whatnot. So as my ex entered the house, the driver put a small rug on the edge my front yard and started praying for a few min - but ex noticed the guy and started yelling to get off the lawn. I was totally fine with him doing prayer, as I know it's very important to his religion - but ex was furious and angry, and later tells to her psycho sister how scary that was. He apologized and quickly left soon after - but ex had to call the company up to complain about the driver. Sure, it would have been nice if the driver asked permission first - but I was afraid of the poor driver who could have lose his extra income, or sole income because of that. I always knew she doesn't like Chinese, Indians and middle eastern people - but such blatant racism and lack of empathy... really disappointed me at that time, as if it was showing "I welcome islam, but not in my back (well front) yard". I'm sure not all feminists are like that, but that was the hand that I had to deal with. And if that's someone that you were married to (and of course she wasn't like that in the beginning - she was super talented, considerate with amazing passion for her works) - perhaps thats one of the reason that I cannot entirely accept the modern feminism. After all, some of the most important opinions do get formed over real life experience, rather than internet forum bashing.
Thanks for sharing that. That's a terrible situation, but I'd like to thank you for being a stand up dad. No matter what happens, nothing can ever take that away from you. If you're ever in my neighborhood, first round is on me.