Subject: With regards to opening franchised store near Baltimore, MD in 2027
To B&M franchising,
Addressing you is Tom Folt, additionally representing Sarah Rogers and Marty Liccinum.
As you may internally be aware, we have been exploring the potential of opening a B&M store in Glen Burnie or Ellicott City, Maryland for the past two months. We've scouted multiple storefront locations, and have been in contact with your franchise staff multiple times. We've received the franchisee deck and initial paperwork from your team, and have been steadily moving forward in the process of opening and operating a franchised business, pending internal discussions.
However, we've recently been made aware of an active public situation that has apparently been making its way around the internet and social media. While we don't fully understand the specifics, it's come to our attention that there are active allegations that have put aspects of the brand at risk. Specifically, it appears that the CEO is currently being characterized as someone who is or has been unjust towards a family who sold or consigned inventory to a franchised store in Utah.
We'd like clarification on the validity of these claims, as, frankly, we think they are absolutely wonderful. As the old adage goes, "there's no such thing as bad press", and seeing that B&M is making consistent news cycles in local and online reporting is something that we recognize builds brand recognition across the board. Furthermore, we agree with the overall sentiments and actions that have taken place. We, too, categorically despise old people: the way they drive under the speed limit, the way they always smell like vinyl furniture and soup, and how they perpetually keep Country Kitchen Buffet in business. Their existence alone is abhorrent, and we recognize and salute the passion in your strategic focus on senior oppression.
This critical tenet is something we deeply share with your corporation, and the idea of becoming a part of B&M energizes us. We're so excited not only to steal from vulnerable, elderly individuals, but to then utilize our abundant resources and the legal system to prevent them from fighting back. Truly, we not only believe in your mission, but we're astounded by your tenacity and cunning, and feel we could use those examples to amplify our own successes.
We are especially impressed with your CEO, Ammon McNeff. We have simply never seen another individual with such an undeniable lust for revenue and market traction, while still maintaining an ego that is as colossal as it is brittle. The way he's able to confidently alter truths while maintaining his stoic, completely alienating facade is truly impressive, and undoubtedly formidable in the corporate space. While one of our guiding principles and defined core values is to "create sustainable growth while still being as cunty as possible", we never dreamed there would be a single individual with such a potent combination of corporate success and universal unlikability. Frankly, Elon Musk could learn a thing or two.
While I'm sure we've already excessively illustrated our admiration, we simply do not want to understate how aligned we are with your mission, practices, and public image. In fact, much like Ammon, I, myself, have a distinguished mustache that perfectly strikes the balance between cartoonish supervillain and pedophile.
In closing, please provide to us the next steps in establishing our very own Bricks & Minifigs store. We are incredibly eager to not only scam and steal from the elderly, but to utilize our unique brand of revulsion to further the mission of the company. We truly believe we're the perfect fit for B&M.
Cordially,
Tom Folt, Sarah Rogers, and Marty Liccinum
www.forbes.com
