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[NervousXtian]

What age exactly will my normal human instincts disappear?

I wanna set a timer on my phone.

What age does pussy stop being the dominating force in your life?

Depends on the person. For me it's when I started dating the girl who became my wife. Sex is great and all.. but I wouldn't trade any pussy in the world for my kids and wife.

I mean, you say normal human instincts, but it's also a normal human instinct to want to have and raise children.

I'd say it's abnormal to seriously want to follow through with some exotic sexual fantasy about girls from other cultures when you say you have allegedly found the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with.

The first part doesn't go with the second, unless she's cool with it, which you already said she's not.

Do yourself and her a favor, and break it off.

 

[terrisus]

Oh yeah, also -

Monogamy "kicked in" for me around age 8.
I started dating at 15.
I have never really had much of an option of who I was with, though - even then, no one wanted me.

I started dating my wife when I was 19.
We got married when I was 25.
And I didn't have sex with anyone else before then.


The point of this being - obviously, OP, everyone is different.

 

[Fury451]

Maybe it's just me, but as "perfect" as you may think she is, I couldn't classify someone as the love of my life if you can't be truly happy with them.

Based on the stuff you're saying it's looking like a situation where you'll be unhappy because you're suppressing your desires, or she'll be unhappy because you're doing things she doesn't like or cheating on her.

Either way, odds are that shit will fester and poison the heart of the relationship down the road.

I think even if you do suppress your desires to stay with her, there's a chance that you'll eventually begin to resent her because you won't be truly happy and you'll blame her.

The whole thing screams unhealthy relationship to me. But, again, that's just me: Random guy on a message board.

I think if you really care about your happiness, you need to find someone where you can truly be yourself and do what you need to do with your partner's full approval and understanding.

Great post. Some good reflections here, based on the info given.

 

[The Chosen One]

I feel your pain (+30, married with kids here), but the brutal honest truth is that you're probably married to the wrong woman for a monogamous relationship.

Generally from the successfully monogamous relationships (in terms of no infidelity) I hear about, usually the following is present:

1. The partner is a perfect match physically, sexually and mentally, so there's no desire to seek or pursue outside sexual encounters.

2. The partner is valued and needed so much that they wouldn't even think of seriously risking the relationship.

3. Low sexual drive.

A successful monogamous relationship usually contains one of those things. If you don't feel any of those things, then it's going to be a struggle. I think the hard truth is that many guys get married to a "good" match, but not the "best" match. There's enough good that you feel attached and would prefer not to screw things up, but you also feel there's something missing, which is why your desires often tend to wander and have strong urges to act on them.

 

[Sevarus]

OP talks about women from other cultures and countries like they're Pokemon and he's gotta catch 'em all. It's really off-putting, to be honest.

 

[kiguel182]

Is anyone else shocked by the amount of people saying they have never even thought about cheating?

Because I am gonna call bullshit right because everyone I mean EVERYONE has fantasized about fucking someone else while in a relationship at least once and if you say you haven't you're a bold faced liar.

When I've been in long and fulfilling relationships I never felt the need to have sex with other people.

Doesn't mean you don't have a sex drive and don't think about it but what the OP describes is needing to have sex with other women to feel happy. I personally never felt that when I was without someone I was in love with.

If I saw a hot girl of course would not be blind to her but, you know, I just wanted the girl I was with and didn't need other girls to be happy.

 

[Nafai1123]

Everyone is different. Just because society says monogamy is the only way to be doesn't make it true and leads to a lot of unhappy lives and unhappy marriages.

 

[Nostremitus]

26 year old guy here, currently dating literally the girl of my dreams in every way (together 2 years+), would not change a thing about her and fully intend to marry and start a family with her.

But...

Completely separate to that I feel like I have an intense desire to be with other women. Not in an emotional sense, just sexual, but in a way that feels important to my happiness. Making it even harder is I often have the opportunity.

To guys over 30 who have been through this, have you found any solutions to this? Because "just ignore it" isn't doing the trick

I used to have that drive. I felt like I needed to have sex with any woman who I found attractive who flirted with me. I needed that excitement of the hunt, so to speak. I eventually realized that this drive was related to my own self esteem issues and my subconsious need to validate myself as a man. I'm now 31 and happily married for 4 years. I still find other women attractive, but I've realized that what I have with my wife is better than any empty sexual conquest I ever had. Not only that, but I no longer strive to seek validation through other people. My sense of self and personal pride is no longer connected to my attractiveness and ability to hook up.

In short, my issue was vanity spawned from self esteem issues. Now I just try to look good for my wife and am happy with that.

Not sure if that helps you OP, but that's my story.

 

[SnowFlakeCake]

I think that you should tell her how you feel, if you do have sex with another woman then don't be a little bitch and lie to her. I think people will know here that woman don't have problems getting men, if you can't stay faithful to her then she will be able to get someone else in a heartbeat. Maybe her next guy won't be asking for relationship advice on a gaming forum, where the consequences of the advice being given is disconnected from reality.

Real advice would be speaking to someone close to you, like your own family or a friend. They would know your relationship much better than us and would be able to provide realistic advice, from the sounds of it you're gonna fuck up sooner rather than later.

 

[Leeness]

OP talks about women from other cultures and countries like they're Pokemon and he's gotta catch 'em all. It's really off-putting, to be honest.

Yep...

Frankly this whole topic just reinforces my desire to never interact with men other than friendship lol.

 

[Nafai1123]

Yep...

Frankly this whole topic just reinforces my desire to never interact with men other than friendship lol.

You think this a gender specific issue?

 

[Rur0ni]

You think this a gender specific issue?

Clearly men are dogs.

 

[Nostremitus]

Yep...

Frankly this whole topic just reinforces my desire to never interact with men other than friendship lol.

It's difficult for some if us to realize that the behaviors we are taught by society growing up aren't the behaviors we should have. Men are taught from childhood, brainwashed really, into thinking that the idea of a strong manly man involves being the hunter. Being the guy who can get any woman he wants and that in most cases the hero in popular media is a man and his reward is a woman. Society by and large trains men to tie our self worth to our ability to get laid. Its little wonder that this spawns so many different types of creeps.

 

[Sevarus]

It difficult for some if us to realize that the behaviors we are thought by society growing up aren't the behaviors we should have. Men are taught from childhood, brainwashed really, into thinking that the idea of a strong manly man involves being the hunter. Being the guy who can get any woman he wants and that in most cases the hero in popular media is a man and his reward is a woman. Society by and large trains men to tie our self worth to our ability to get laid. Its little wonder that this spawns so many different types of creeps.

Totally. Being a "sexually successful" man shouldn't exclusively mean "have sex with lots of men/women." If that is what you want and what satisfies you, then sure, that's fine. But that shouldn't be held up as the gold standard for men. It's like some James Bond type fantasy.

 

[dcdobson]

NYC in the summer is doing its best to test my commitment to monogamy.Good lord.

 

[Always-honest]

Jerk off?

I have no problem with monogamy.. 20 years in a relationship. I do see attractive women but i never feel the desire to ruin my relationship. Wouldn't want to hurt my gf.

I'm sure she sees attractive men too.

 

[Nostremitus]

Totally. Being a "sexually successful" man shouldn't exclusively mean "have sex with lots of men/women." If that is what you want and what satisfies you, then sure, that's fine. But that shouldn't be held up as the gold standard for men. It's like some James Bond type fantasy.

Yes. My problem was that those types of encounters were very rarely satisfying. It was the lead up to the sex that I was addicted to. The "hunt" so to speak. It was what I was trained to do by society, TVs, movies, etc since childhood. It was empty, like a dog chasing it's tail. Sure it was exciting and fun, but once it was over, it was over. Then I needed to start the hunt again to seek that validation and prove myself. It was sad and pathetic, but I couldn't see that at the time. I thought I was just having fun and doing the normal things that young people are supposed to do.


I now only have sex with one person exclusively (my wife), but that sex is better than any sex I've ever had because we know each other so well and there's a deeper connection involved.

 

[farmerboy]

Good luck OP, but you better have these desires sorted ASAP because cheating on or leading someone on is totally a dickbag move.

Don't get me wrong, the desires are natural, but you must be resolute that you won't give in to them. Because marriage isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Once kids come in the picture, your sex life might take a beating. And it might only be temporarily, but cheating on a wife with young children in the picture is even a bigger dickbag move.

At the moment it sounds like your fantasising about other women, and the fantasy is hardly ever as good as the reality. Be careful, because you can lose everything, not just financially (that's nothing) but emotionally.

 

[Nafai1123]

It difficult for some if us to realize that the behaviors we are taught by society growing up aren't the behaviors we should have. Men are taught from childhood, brainwashed really, into thinking that the idea of a strong manly man involves being the hunter. Being the guy who can get any woman he wants and that in most cases the hero in popular media is a man and his reward is a woman. Society by and large trains men to tie our self worth to our ability to get laid. Its little wonder that this spawns so many different types of creeps.

I would argue that society teaches us monogamy is the only way to fit into our society. It's our physiological and evolutionary traits that push men towards sexual diversity. We are brainwashed into thinking that we are supposed to be with one and only one person for the rest of our lives, regardless of whether that is what the individuals truly want.

I would argue that it's the fact we continue to live in a male centric society that encourages the traits you mention, but it's our capitalist society that encourages monogamy and the concept of marriage/one-partner for life. Both are social constructs roughly based on the needs/necessities that have grown over thousands of years since hunter gatherers began agriculture and formed the basis of societal group norms and practices.

Men nowadays are at odds with what they are taught, what they desire, and what they fear. IMO it's one of the main reasons people are getting married later, getting married less, or avoiding relationships altogether. I believe it's also a key factor in the rise of idiots online portraying men at hateful and misogynistic because they can't cope with society around them and the expectations of how they should act as a man.

 

[THRILLH0]

Completely separate to that I feel like I have an intense desire to be with other women. Not in an emotional sense, just sexual, but in a way that feels important to my happiness.

fully intend to marry and start a family with her.

For her sake, please don't.

 

[Nostremitus]

I would argue that society teaches us monogamy is the only way to fit into our society. It's our physiological and evolutionary traits that push men towards sexual diversity. We are brainwashed into thinking that we are supposed to be with one and only one person for the rest of our lives, regardless of whether that is what the individuals truly want.

I would argue that it's the fact we continue to live in a male centric society that encourages the traits you mention, but it's our capitalist society that encourages monogamy and the concept of marriage/one-partner for life. Both are social constructs roughly based on the needs/necessities that have grown over thousands of years since hunter gatherers began agriculture and formed the basis of societal group norms and practices.

Men nowadays are at odds with what they are taught, what they desire, and what they fear. IMO it's one of the main reasons people are getting married later, getting married less, or avoiding relationships altogether. I believe it's also a key factor in the rise of idiots online portraying men at hateful and misogynistic because they can't cope with society around them and the expectations of how they should act as a man.

I agree, I was speaking from my own personal experience and the societal pressures that lead to my behaviors and what did and didn't bring me happiness. Not everyone will find the same happiness, but based on the OP's situation I thought it may be relevant.

 

[THRILLH0]

You think this a gender specific issue?

Clearly men are dogs.

Fight for those rights duders!

 

[NoFaceNico]

A serious question for OP:

If your girl came around to the same conclusion and decided she would be happier going out with other guys on the side, how would you that make you feel?

Edit:

never mind, OP answered:

Even we were to be in an open relationship I wouldn't want to know a single thing about her with anyone else. Like I said I'm as conditioned as the rest of us to be hurt by such things.

In which case I would rather, if it was her with these feelings, she just did it safely on the side without me ever having any idea of it. That would be 10000x better to me than her coming to me and telling me "hey I need to smash people and if I can't I'll have to break up with you".

That's just asking for disaster. If you don't want to hear about it then you're probably going to make a big deal about it regardless of whether the relationship is open or not.

It sounds simple but you have to understand that when you're in a relationship with someone you have an obligation to care about that person's feelings because they care about yours. If you can't respect her feelings on monogamy then you're probably not a match for her. A big part of life is learning to resist behavior that would hurt yourself or those that you care about.

 

[Fury451]

Did you even read your own OP?

Just caught up, I see the thread has been abandoned.

To answer: No, nor the several people directly reflecting back the exact content of what was being said. Those posts, including mine reflecting the one where I drew conclusions based on how OP's intimacy was defined were directly ignored. Denial is strong. Basically wants the okay to cheat, but hiding it under the mask of "experiencing other cultures" and "it's important to my happiness". Anyone that disagrees "doesn't get it".

Pretty icky, honestly. Just don't be in a committed relationship if monogamy isn't for you.

 

[riotous]

Always felt that way; I'm a good partner too but have had trouble being sexually faithful. Eventually realized either I be with women who like me sleeping around or I be single.

Others make it work by being ok with flirtiness as it brings a similar ego stroke that many have trouble doing without.

 

[Ledsen]

Yeah, it's not easy. Wait until you have a kid and opportunities for sex rapidly dwindle to almost nothing. Especially if you have a partner with a low sex drive, and yours is pretty high. It can be frustrating but if you love them, you love them. But like most of life's big stuff, there really is no right answer. Only you know what will make you happy, we can't tell you. Weigh the options and pick one. You won't ever know if you picked the right one.

 

[Erevador]

Yep...

Frankly this whole topic just reinforces my desire to never interact with men other than friendship lol.

OP is being a jerk. A lot of people in the thread aren't doing that and are having a nuanced and thoughtful discussion.

 

[Magni]

At 26 you should be out exploring and not be committed to a relationship, there will be lots of times for that its called 34+.

Sort out your career while you are at it too, see the world, meet new people. All these things you'd regret doing once you hit 34 and ask yourself what the f**k did i do with my life.

I've seen a lot of guys who seem reborn after divorce because they married too young, but then the damage is already done, you have destroyed your life and hers, oh there's also child support and that small studio apartment you will be living in wondering what the fuck happened to you. lol

The fuck is this?

 

[Mrmartel]

I get bored very easily, but I'm also a Jealous motherfucker. So no open relationships for me. I've been on a serial monogamy train (6 months then a change over) for my whole life. I've accepted i'll never change. Plus I don't really see any benefits to marriage if kids are taken out of the picture.

 

[Big-E]

Your going to have to rethink how you see your relationship. Sex has the potential to be less frequent and stop for periods at a time if you want to start a family and be with one person. Kids change things, but if you love your wife and family, you can realize that the sexual urges are not worth throwing away the love of your life and family.

 

[Leeness]

You think this a gender specific issue?

Obviously not, but in the context of this topic, it pretty much is.

I just have a terrible view of relationships and wouldn't trust anybody in that regard lol

 

[Zaptruder]

Modern anthropology

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTH-8g6ZrF4

If we're going to be posting TED links, I should probs post this:

https://www.ted.com/talks/christopher_ryan_are_we_designed_to_be_sexual_omnivores?language=en

Actual ted talk (not TEDX). More recent. Accounts for existing examples of hunter gatherer tribes too.

Agree, except when the theme is about raising children, on this aspect monogamy has to be benefitial to the children, what would be the difference between raising a child on an alternate relationship?

See my post here

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=170665487&postcount=195

Essentially, monogamy is 'beneficial' in this current configuration of society, because it's simply heavily geared towards monogamy and allows for little other in the way of possibilities.

But tribal societies actually are better configured in their natural state (i.e. where 50-100 people can live closely in an localized extended family community) for pro-social development and behaviour (more people, more role models, more chances to be role models, more like long relationships etc).

 

[YoungHav]

After childbirth, how long does it usually take a woman's libido to come back? Don't think I can go through this again so soon.

Honestly, kids really screw a relationship out, it takes real special people to be able to swing a GOOD, fun, passionate relationship while having kids and a full time job/career. Birth just drains all the passion away from a relationship. Sure, you still love each other, but when you have had an 8 pound being coming out of your hoo-hah, the last thing you want to think about is sex. When you have to wake up several times during your deprived sleep hours to take care of a baby, you really don't have the energy to spend with your partner.

I absolutely love my son and his first 2 years were personally my favorite, but any couple can do without the emotional and financial stress it puts you through.

I'm remarried and much happier to be in a relationship where my love life and my son's life are not two connected things. They intertwine, and my wife gets along great with my son and vice-versa. I also think my son can benefit a lot from not seeing his parents yell at each other, and actually be in a loving relationship as friends.

I dunno man, I'm sure it's not the best scenario, but I think everyone is happier if the two don't mix, or at least when they're mixed it actually works well.

Damn, this is real talk.

 

[-COOLIO-]

Honestly, kids really screw a relationship out, it takes real special people to be able to swing a GOOD, fun, passionate relationship while having kids and a full time job/career. Birth just drains all the passion away from a relationship. Sure, you still love each other, but when you have had an 8 pound being coming out of your hoo-hah, the last thing you want to think about is sex. When you have to wake up several times during your deprived sleep hours to take care of a baby, you really don't have the energy to spend with your partner.

I absolutely love my son and his first 2 years were personally my favorite, but any couple can do without the emotional and financial stress it puts you through.

I'm remarried and much happier to be in a relationship where my love life and my son's life are not two connected things. They intertwine, and my wife gets along great with my son and vice-versa. I also think my son can benefit a lot from not seeing his parents yell at each other, and actually be in a loving relationship as friends.

I dunno man, I'm sure it's not the best scenario, but I think everyone is happier if the two don't mix, or at least when they're mixed it actually works well.

really interesting stuff, thanks for the post.

 

[Morrigan Stark]

Need to get the high score before your quarter runs out?

OP talks about women from other cultures and countries like they're Pokemon and he's gotta catch 'em all. It's really off-putting, to be honest.

Damn. But yeah, that's pretty much what I thought reading his posts too.

OP, you claim it's not just about the sex (since just porn or jerking off wouldn't satisfy you), but you're still putting this "long list of conquests" on a pedestal, as something you totally crave. And when questioned on it you fall back on "hormones and natural urges". So it is about the sex... except it's not... except it totally is.

Your hormones are making you dumb. Are you seriously more scared that you won't bang enough faceless women then then you are of losing what you've got?

Seriously.

Ok 1 sec... Hang on, which switch in my brain controls this? Lemme try this one... Oops no that one turned me gay... Nope that one just made me hungry... That one turned off motor function in my rectum...

Is there a wikihow?

How about you just control yourself and accept that you must make sacrifices in life.

Good question. My gf had a pretty traditional upbringing, I am lucky she isn't homophobic tbh, but whenever a lesbian scene pops up in a movie she literally gags and makes and over the top reaction to how much she doesn't like it.

I mean she isn't homophobic at all but she really seems to hate the idea of doing it herself.

Oh, I have the solution for you: threesomes... MMF!

I get urges to eat cheezies at 9 a.m., tell people at work to "fuck off", and dance whenever I hear Taylor Swift. I also have urges to fuck almost every reasonably attractive woman I see.

I don't do any of those things. I don't even display that they exist.Urges are not necessarily in your best interest. That they are natural isn't a sign that they are good.

Yup.

Is anyone else shocked by the amount of people saying they have never even thought about cheating?

Because I am gonna call bullshit right because everyone I mean EVERYONE has fantasized about fucking someone else while in a relationship at least once and if you say you haven't you're a bold faced liar.

Fantasizing about fucking someone else != thinking of cheating, really. Fantasies are just that, fantasies. "Thinking about cheating", to me, suggests actually desiring to act on those fantasies without going as far as going through with them. Having a simple fantasy isn't the same thing as wanting to act on it.

 

[Salsa]

Ok yeah I think I'm done. If anyone was interested in what I was actually referring to wanting, just look at my conservation with vern, the only person who seemed to get that sex with multiple partners isn't always just masturbation with someone else's vagina.

Thanks for the answers and insights guys, some interesting stuff and a good discussion, but I'm not going to constantly reiterate myself.

Peace.

sorry for trying to help

 

[YoungHav]

After having a kid. Mass Effect 2 and 3 were my sex life for a few months.

 

[The Shadow]

Eh...just my 2 cents.

When I met and eventually married my current wife, my sexual desires didn't magically go away. If I see a woman that has a nice body, I notice and internally, I have the desire to fuck. That doesn't mean I grab her, pull her skirt up and fuck.

At some point you just reach a level of maturity that allows an order of self control. When I was in my twenties and I wanted a cheese burger with bacon, I'd drive over to Carl's Jr. and get one. Now when I feel like a cheese burger with bacon, I look at my girls and realize I'd like to live until they're adults themselves with families of their own, and then I make myself a turkey sandwich.

Self-control and sacrifice. It comes with maturity and age.

 

[Figboy79]

I'm 36, and have been with my wife for nearly 13 years, married 6 out of those 13. Being monogamous hasn't been a concern or issue for me. Of course I find other women attractive, just like she finds other men attractive. But we chose to be monogamous and faithful to one another.

I've been tempted, sure, by quite a few women who were interested, but at the end of the day, I love and respect my wife, and the relationship we've built over 13 years is more valuable than me getting my rocks off. It's just not worth it to throw that bond and trust away. She feels similarly.

Honesty helps a lot, as well. We don't hide the fact that we find other people attractive. We're open about it, tease each other about it, but we are honest with the fact that, yes, there are 7 billion people on this planet, and a lot of them are fucking hot. We aren't about to pretend otherwise. But we also aren't trying to fuck them either.

 

[Captain.Falafel]

Eh...just my 2 cents.

When I met and eventually married my current wife, my sexual desires didn't magically go away. If I see a woman that has a nice body, I notice and internally, I have the desire to fuck. That doesn't mean I grab her, pull her skirt up and fuck.

At some point you just reach a level of maturity that allows an order of self control. When I was in my twenties and I wanted a cheese burger with bacon, I'd drive over to Carl's Jr. and get one. Now when I feel like a cheese burger with bacon, I look at my girls and realize I'd like to live until they're adults themselves with families of their own, and then I make myself a turkey sandwich.

Self-control and sacrifice. It comes with maturity and age.

I think this is a very cogent point. Don't have much else to add, but think this is and can be a reality for many people, and I don't think it necessarily points to anything wrong with a given relationship.

 

[RoninChaos]

Clearly men are dogs.

WOMEN BE SHOPPING, AMIRITE?