Snkfanatic
Banned
Wow..that person must have a sad pointless life. That is disgusting...
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A bully finds from long ago finds you on Facebook to apologize..
- Thread starter FyreWulff
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Wow..that person must have a sad pointless life. That is disgusting...
I'd probably not reply. I don't hold any grudges towards them, but the person they needed to apologize to is over a decade gone. They realized what they did as a kid was wrong? That's a good thing, but there was no need to involve me in the process. As long as they sincerely believe what they did was wrong then they've already done the right thing. I guess some people need apologies, but in this circumstance I think it'd be a bit superfluous for me.
Thing is, they wont be a slave to guilt anymore. They'll feel good about finally getting it off their chest and apologizing whether the OP accepts the apology or not.
Yes. She bullied you to feel better about herself, and now she wants to feel better about herself with an apology years after the fact. I'd call a spade a spade and tell her to pound sand.
Psychotext
Member
glol
Reply her message (it's the decent thing to do)
Assume she's truly remorseful.
In your message be honest. I have no idea how you really feel so I can't tell you what to write but just be honest. There's no point telling her you forgive her if haven't (you'll probably regret it later on), or exaggerating the effects of her bullying on her just to make her feel bad out of spite.
Assume she's truly remorseful.
In your message be honest. I have no idea how you really feel so I can't tell you what to write but just be honest. There's no point telling her you forgive her if haven't (you'll probably regret it later on), or exaggerating the effects of her bullying on her just to make her feel bad out of spite.
That last part is not even remotely funny.
Accept the apology, forgive and move on. Life is so much more then dwelling on events that occured so long ago. Nothing's going to change what happened and if you spend your life dwelling on it rather then moving past it, you're not doing yourself any favours.
Think about everyone that's slighted you in your life, if you're a normal person, chances are it's a pretty long list. For one of those people to come back after so long and apologise is a pretty mature and selfless thing to do. Not everyone is going to do it so you should be thankful that some people change for the better.
Some people are just bitter and vengeful, what an awful way to live.
Think about everyone that's slighted you in your life, if you're a normal person, chances are it's a pretty long list. For one of those people to come back after so long and apologise is a pretty mature and selfless thing to do. Not everyone is going to do it so you should be thankful that some people change for the better.
Some people are just bitter and vengeful, what an awful way to live.
Kenshin001
Member
Think I'm going to throw up.
Dark Octave
Banned
lol I see your point, but I don't think I would care enough to hold a grudge, if they were kids. Adults on the other hand, should know better.
I'm a pretty bitter person and I've gone through my share of bullying.. but if anyone reached out to me to apologize after all that time it would mean a lot to me as much as I'd hate to admit. I'd probably accept the apology just for the fact they went through the trouble of contacting me again after so much time. Also people do change, especially from high school so I'd like to give the benefit of the doubt.
Buckethead
Banned
I don't know if that's true.
I used to be a fundie and apologized to a gay friend for not accepting him for who he was.
While I didn't bully him I said things I later realized were beyond fucked up. Had he not replied, I would feel like shit about it. He was really gracious and nice and it made me feel better.
Everyone's different but I think if you're legitimately sorry (and this person seems like it seeing as they're going out of their way) you have to get resolved. You have to make things right.
I see a lot of anger in this thread and I understand it. I was bullied in school.
But part of growing up is forgiving people, even if they've wronged you and don't necessarily deserve it.
Firstly, that's not terribly great science. Confounding variables are really hard to eliminate. It's also only one study.
Secondly, you're going to be a slave to circumstance? You're going to let that define who you are?
cooljeanius
Member
I had someone do this, and I didn't even really remember them being much of a bully anyway. I think most people that come and apologize like this do so because they realize they burnt some bridges that could have been useful to them, and want to fix said bridges. Also, I'm in the "Forgive" camp.
I'm just pointing out that bullying can have a severe long term effect on people. So it's best not to criticize someone for being unable to get past psychological and or physical trauma in their youth.
I have no doubt that bullying can have a long term affect on people, but if you're having trouble getting past emotional or childhood trauma, then get some help. I think it's absolutely fair to ask someone who is living what they might consider to be a less then fulfilled life because of trauma to get some professional assistance.
It's not doing you any favours to stay bitter and angry.
Rockandrollclown
lookwhatyou'vedone
I think I maybe should have chose my words better. I'm not using sad as in calling anyone pathetic. I mean I actually do feel sad for someone who is unable to move beyond these things and let it affect their adult life.
You say it was a friend, so of course that matters more.
A reply from 'just somebody' you bullied in school would be nice, but I dont think its gonna stop the person from feeling better about it already.
Yeah there's only one person that I'd have what someone would call a grudge against, but what she did to me I'm not sure if any other sort of reaction would make sense, and it's not someone from any school I went to.
that person got issues
Of course people should seek therapy if they feel it can help them get pass trauma. However, I'm not going to blame them if they can't forgive or forget it.
CharlieDigital
Has No Sense Of Humor
Today, 08:50 AM, Post #10
But on a serious note, like Charlie said, just be the better person.
Unknown One
Member
We're all a slave to circumstances. We're affected by the people we meet, where we grew up, and influenced by the people and media around us.
On the topic, it depends on the bullying. I don't remember my bullies since it was a huge group of people doing it. For me talk is cheap, I would rather want to meet them in person.
On the topic, it depends on the bullying. I don't remember my bullies since it was a huge group of people doing it. For me talk is cheap, I would rather want to meet them in person.
bengraven
Member
All my bullies were the huge, dumb footballer types. The ones who ended up becoming mechanics or construction workers and beat their wives.
None of them would ever apologize to me. Hell, they were so empty in the heart that they probably don't remember the years of terrorizing me - and if they did they probably are proud of it and talk about it at the bar.
None of them would ever apologize to me. Hell, they were so empty in the heart that they probably don't remember the years of terrorizing me - and if they did they probably are proud of it and talk about it at the bar.
It's hard to say. I'd like to think I'd be forgiving, if only so that I could have the hope of being forgiven by others for the things I did when I was a kid. The apology sounds sincere, so if why not accept it and move on? Chances are you'll never see this person again, so what does it cost you to ease their mind this bit?
I was good friends with a kid in sixth grade, then we were more like acquaintances in junior high, and suddenly in high school he and his friends bullied me. (I transferred to another high school after 9th grade because my best friends went there, so I got away from the bullies.)
Ten years later, I'm in the Air Force and my former-friend-turned-bully sends me an email to my AF address. Turns out he's also in the AF so he found my name on the global email list. He apologized for bullying me, but I never wrote back. I'm not really sure what I should have done. I don't dwell on the bullying but he and his friends were pretty awful to me for that year. I just didn't want to think about it anymore.
Ten years later, I'm in the Air Force and my former-friend-turned-bully sends me an email to my AF address. Turns out he's also in the AF so he found my name on the global email list. He apologized for bullying me, but I never wrote back. I'm not really sure what I should have done. I don't dwell on the bullying but he and his friends were pretty awful to me for that year. I just didn't want to think about it anymore.
I don't understand why some people keep mentioning holding grudges.
It comes down to the fact that I have to live with the way I was treated as a child that went on for years, and there is no way I could truly forgive a bully for the way I felt everyday for many years while growing up as a result.
Those that don't know how it felt or feels now think we should be inclined to ease a bully's guilt because the bully "went out of their way" to track us down. I disagree.
NO.
This mentality needs to stop right here. When I was in school, I wasn't very smart, neither socially, bookwise, or commonsensical wise.
Yet, I knew that saying hurtful things and physically assaulting other students was a horribly idea that can have life long detrimental effects on people. They know what they are doing. They just don't care. That doesn't make them dumb. That makes them sick, in the realm that psychopaths are sick.
Stop trying to lay the blame elsewhere because you can sympathize or relate with your child hood people. I can see a 5-10 year old being cruel with their lower mental capacity. Anything older than that deserves the blame completely.
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As for the main topic, everyone has hidden motivations. Even if they don't consciously understand them themselves. Beware.
Man, if it was one of the 3 colossal idiots that bullied me in school and they tried to apologize my first response would be... unpleasant. I forgive most things, but considering a large part of all that I remember for 7th grade is what those 3 started...
They're just lucky I don't own a time machine.
You're a better person than I if you can forgive her. Ha.
They're just lucky I don't own a time machine.
You're a better person than I if you can forgive her. Ha.
Exactly.
I can fully forgive someone for something that occurred once (perhaps poor judgement) or twice. But bullying someone long term is insanity. The sad part is that the bully clearly needs mental help or prison time.
You were an exception, man. Its great that you seemed to have a good sense of compassion so early but not every kid develops that at such an early age.
No one is saying people who did dumb/mean shit as a kid dont deserve blame, of course they do. Some people have to learn the hard way, through consequences, but most do learn eventually. Like I said before, thats a huge part of growing up. Blame them, but 10 years later, when they've grown into a decent human being, certainly dont try and sit there and still call that person a 'bad human being' cuz they're not. They did what a huge number of kids do and will probably do til the end of time.
Apologies to OP. Didn't mean to hijack the thread but thought my personal experience with a bully who apologized to me only to revert to bullying me again is relevant. Not all people are the same but bullies tend to stay that way I guess.
He didn't like some of my Facebook posts and some of my life decisions and started ridiculing me in a mean way. Can't say much without revealing some personal details.
Messages and Facebook.
Yup and I told him to never contact me again.
Yeah and I naively forgot -or maybe hoped he changed- that this is how it was back then. He'd bully the hell out of me, then apologize and show me good will and gain my trust, only to bully me with new material. My main issue remains that I'm too trusting. I tend to trust people and forgive them if they apologized despite being 27 years old and known a lot of non-trustworthy people. I'm not sure why I do that or why I'm willing to forgive someone who bullied me for years!
Once a bully, always a bully I guess.
This explains my social anxiety because I can remember me being very social until I've known him.
He didn't like some of my Facebook posts and some of my life decisions and started ridiculing me in a mean way. Can't say much without revealing some personal details.
Messages and Facebook.
Yup and I told him to never contact me again.
Yeah and I naively forgot -or maybe hoped he changed- that this is how it was back then. He'd bully the hell out of me, then apologize and show me good will and gain my trust, only to bully me with new material. My main issue remains that I'm too trusting. I tend to trust people and forgive them if they apologized despite being 27 years old and known a lot of non-trustworthy people. I'm not sure why I do that or why I'm willing to forgive someone who bullied me for years!
Once a bully, always a bully I guess.
This explains my social anxiety because I can remember me being very social until I've known him.
Quadrangulum
Banned
It's a nice gesture but I don't think this kind of apology is especially commendable. A Facebook search is not a strenuous effort and blaming her own behavior on youth is kind of cheap. I don't think you're under any obligation to be generous just because she sent you a Facebook apology 14 years later when the only consequence remaining is your faded emotional scar. My cynical side tells me she just wants to massage her ego.
If I faced this situation, my response would depend on the person. There are a few who I just cannot forgive, no matter the scenario.
If I faced this situation, my response would depend on the person. There are a few who I just cannot forgive, no matter the scenario.
Conciliator
Banned
I was bullied by countless people in middle school and early high school. If any of those people were actually to go to the trouble to track me down and beg for my forgiveness, they have it. But no one has done that(unless they've tried to find me and failed)
I'm fine with forgiving later in life. I'm just tired of people saying "kids are dumb, get over it." Kids don't bully because they're dumb. They do it because of a toxic household or psychological issues. They need help.
You guess?
Are you going off your singular experience or do you keep track of all the bullies in your school to see how 'bullyish' they still are?
Oh fuck off. What a genuinely juvenile attitude that is.
edgefusion
Member
I was bullied terribly in school. I had darts thrown at me in class (yes, darts) and constant death threats which the school never did anything about. One of them repeatedly told me he was going to stab me with a knife. Looking back I doubt he would've done it but at the time it was utterly terrifying.
If that guy messaged me on Facebook today asking for forgiveness there's no way I would do it. My reply would be something like "fuck you, I hope you're miserable for the rest of your life. I'll never forgive you. You disgust me." Whatever kind of person that makes me I just don't care. I hate that guy, I genuinely hate him.
If that guy messaged me on Facebook today asking for forgiveness there's no way I would do it. My reply would be something like "fuck you, I hope you're miserable for the rest of your life. I'll never forgive you. You disgust me." Whatever kind of person that makes me I just don't care. I hate that guy, I genuinely hate him.
ShinNL
Member
"As a person I have never truly believed in apologies nor forgiveness, but neither do I hold grudges or hate. My past has simply been my experience and that's what I've grown up with. I applaud you for seeing the errors of your past and I hope you have become a better person now than how I remembered you. Being kind to others is a wonderful thing and I hope you don't dwell in your past, but move forward and spread the good message. Good luck."
... is something I would type, since saying sorry and forgiving is just a play on words. You can't erase a fact in history.
You have two kinds of apologies, one for things that were unintentional (forgetting things, misunderstandings and accidentally losing something precious of someone) and things that people were fully aware of what they were doing (bullying, cheating, hitting someone, destroying).
The latter isn't about being sorry or forgiving, it's what a person thought it was the most beneficial for them at the time. In that sense the word 'forgiving' means 'just forget that ever happened' or 'please don't hate me'. Well, if you already processed all the sadness and hate, there's no meaning to 'forgiving' someone. You could say it for their sakes, but it would be a lie. I don't like to lie.
... is something I would type, since saying sorry and forgiving is just a play on words. You can't erase a fact in history.
You have two kinds of apologies, one for things that were unintentional (forgetting things, misunderstandings and accidentally losing something precious of someone) and things that people were fully aware of what they were doing (bullying, cheating, hitting someone, destroying).
The latter isn't about being sorry or forgiving, it's what a person thought it was the most beneficial for them at the time. In that sense the word 'forgiving' means 'just forget that ever happened' or 'please don't hate me'. Well, if you already processed all the sadness and hate, there's no meaning to 'forgiving' someone. You could say it for their sakes, but it would be a lie. I don't like to lie.
demosthenes
Member
I wasn't trying to expunge them of all responsibility. As I said in my other posts I think bullying is a serious problem that doesn't get the attention that it needs.
Psychotext
Member
Can I ask how many years ago that was? No obligation to answer obviously.
Darren870
Member
Hmmm interesting.
I was bullied a lot in late middle school/high school. Never on a physical level only the name calling and all the other crap that people can verbally say.
Almost 10 years after HS and I remember each of the idiots that made fun of me. I no longer live at home (or the same country for that matter) but I do hear things about them every now and then when I go home. It makes me laugh to see where I am today and where they are.
I don't hold many grudges, some of them I'd probably have a drink with as they clearly were just going in with the laugh. Others I'd tell to fuck off and laugh while I did it.
Though I wasn't bullied as bad as some of the cases I've heard, all those comments, names, and other bs helped me grow into who I am today. When I'm at the gym or achieving something for myself I always think about those idiots and laugh and it motivates me just a bit more.
So yea...guess it depends on the person and what they did.
I was bullied a lot in late middle school/high school. Never on a physical level only the name calling and all the other crap that people can verbally say.
Almost 10 years after HS and I remember each of the idiots that made fun of me. I no longer live at home (or the same country for that matter) but I do hear things about them every now and then when I go home. It makes me laugh to see where I am today and where they are.
I don't hold many grudges, some of them I'd probably have a drink with as they clearly were just going in with the laugh. Others I'd tell to fuck off and laugh while I did it.
Though I wasn't bullied as bad as some of the cases I've heard, all those comments, names, and other bs helped me grow into who I am today. When I'm at the gym or achieving something for myself I always think about those idiots and laugh and it motivates me just a bit more.
So yea...guess it depends on the person and what they did.
edgefusion
Member
I'm 26 now, it would've been approx. 11-12 years ago.
I wouldn't feel obligated to respond, but I agree that the apology appears to be sincere.
LOL
First thing I thought of.
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