Because I'm speaking out of my own personal experience.
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A bully finds from long ago finds you on Facebook to apologize..
- Thread starter FyreWulff
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Because I'm speaking out of my own personal experience.
I had a pretty big fallout with one of my mates (had his 'buddy' get me in a stranglehold and threatened me with a nightstick). He did the same thing - well he got my number off of fb - and called my, said he was sorry and wanted to make things right. I forgave him, cos he was upright about being sorry for what happened.
Some people grow up from their past mistakes. Let them make amends.
Some people grow up from their past mistakes. Let them make amends.
Keep in mind, people calling you out for stupid opinions isn't necessarily bullying.
ShinNL
Member
http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showpost.php?p=42026308&postcount=142
That was something I would've said. I believe that's a good answer, without forcing me to forgive anything. I think it's okay to appreciate the gesture and give them something to move on with, but at the same time give the message that I prefer not to be associated with said person.
Evolution_1ne
Banned
no shit, the motherfucker was walking down the block and asked me for a quarter....
I see what you're saying, but I dont feel anybody is really disagreeing with you or saying otherwise. I even said earlier in the thread that its understandable to not forgive in severe cases, but the situation with the OP doesn't sound like one of them, especially considering they dont even really remember the person that well. The 'kids will be kids' argument isn't really for the more extreme situations that you've mentioned, although I guess different people will have different thresholds as to whats considered 'severe' enough to never be forgiveable. Some people are more sensitive than others. There's probably kids who got beat up who grew up fine and didn't think a whole lot of it later on and there's others who might have been mentally broken down simply by a small group of kids that regularly taunted them.
ShinNL
Member
I personally don't consider this as light bullying that should be brushed off with no thought:
Oh, burn.
Edit: Thanks for making me laugh in what is a depressing topic.
Hahaha, thought you might like that.
By reading the OP and the messages, it seems the person was not one of the physical assaulters, but just somebody who said mean things.
I was bullied for a year in grade 5 by some snotty troubled kid. He dropped out of high school in grade 10. He still lives in my home town (I think), not really sure what he's up to.
I was pretty messed up for a year after that, but I had some good friends to lean on. Thank goodness.
I doubt he remembers or would ever even bother contacting me. I'd be happy to let it go if he did.
I was pretty messed up for a year after that, but I had some good friends to lean on. Thank goodness.
I doubt he remembers or would ever even bother contacting me. I'd be happy to let it go if he did.
That's why I don't really like this thread. Some people are responding directly to the OP, some people are speaking from experience, some are speaking what they would say to their bullies, and some are just making crap up with no experience.
The problem people have is they didn't read the full OP. They shouldn't be telling him what he should do about his bully. The question was:
OP said:
He's not saying: "How should I respond to this girl?" He's saying "If one of your bullies came out and offered an apology, what would you do?"
Ivan A Nguyen
Member
Tell them that you are sorry, but they have the wrong person. I wouldn't want this person to find me again. You owe them nothing. Apologizing over a decade later is letting them have their cake and eat it too.
I was just using the OP's case as a reference to make a point since a lot of people's response ARE to them. I'm not sure how it changed anything we were saying in particular. Somebody else decided to further expand on what I said about the OP and I responded to that but I can keep the subjects seperate in my mind.
I'm saying this thread is a mess. Even after my initial response, these gems popped up:
I have no idea if the above posters are talking about severe bullying, or just getting teased and made fun of. There is a massive difference.
You and I get it. Severe bullying is excluded from 'kids will be kids'.
I haven't read this whole thread, but it's an interesting question. I don't know what I'd do. I don't use any social media, so the odds of it happening to me are slim to none. And honestly, part of the reason I don't use things like facebook is that I don't want to take the chance that the people that bullied me (and there were an ungodly amount), are still the same assholes now as they were then. However, if one did apologize and seemed sincere, I'd like to think I'd be the bigger person and forgive them.
Heavily depends on what the person apologising has done. If it was physical, I'd tell them to fuck off and live with the guilt of their actions. You don't get a free pass for your actions just because you said sorry. Think of it as comeuppance with interest, karma's serving you a free meal here.
Acerac
Banned
I just wouldn't reply. Since I've left high school I've been able to avoid the people who made my life a hell and would prefer not to discuss anything with them. It'd be cool if some of them said they were sorry, but I'm really happiest not communicating with them.
It's not that I wish them ill will, I just don't need the memories. Smoked a lot of pot to rid myself of those and I don't need them back.
It's not that I wish them ill will, I just don't need the memories. Smoked a lot of pot to rid myself of those and I don't need them back.
Clay Davis
Member
i've read the entire thread and this is the sentiment i most agree with. having been bullied for a year before the bully left, i would never, ever forgive him for what he did. it affected me deeply, made it hard for me to make friends, scared of confrontation, and socially awkward for years. i've finally overcome a lot of the issues i had, but no number of saying sorry will be enough to undo the damage that was done.
to quote ultim8p00. tell the bully to fuck off.
Acerac
Banned
Anyone else go from being the only advanced placement kid in the district to constantly failing classes and nearly not graduating due to constant depression/missing school on a consistent basis because couldn't deal with going in?
This is what happens when I discuss high school while sober. Gotta get back to repressing them memories before I get some good specific examples.
This is what happens when I discuss high school while sober. Gotta get back to repressing them memories before I get some good specific examples.
You make me feel sad
. At my school the sporty people and the nerds got along quite well, which was really weird to me.HappyBivouac
Member
I can't relate. I was the quiet, brainy guy who liked weird music and maybe (I didn't) smoked pot, more ignored than bullied, had a few close friends, all that.
That said, here's what I think I'd say to her:
"Bullying scars a person for life. If you have a scar of guilt, then call it even."
That said, here's what I think I'd say to her:
"Bullying scars a person for life. If you have a scar of guilt, then call it even."
female bullies are vicious like no other, male bullies mostly stop at physical attacks, which while they suck, they also heal very quickly and leave almost no trace, girls love to emotionally wreck you, and they are very good at it.
With that said, this was in an episode of the Big Bang Theory, with bad consequences to the nerd guy involved.
Or maybe is like in the movie flatliners, where Kevin Bacon has to asks forgiveness from her bully because he was being tormented by her past self in some weird form of punishment or judgment.
Ok maybe I see too much TV.
Acerac
Banned
Due to all the crap I went through I never talked to a soul all throughout my college years. I was terrified to. Everyone would hate me (not true, but that was my mentality) and quite frankly I didn't even want to deal with people.You make me feel sad
I can name exactly one person I went to college with. Went for four years and developed no friends. Why bother? They'd just end up screwing me over in the long run (again, not true). I just stayed by myself, never talking to anyone. Oh, I did talk to my dealer. Thankfully he played smash so that was sort of like having a friend.
It's taken me nearly a decade to even be close to what I'd consider normal, and quite frankly I still don't think I am. I've just learned how to fool everyone I socialize with other than my friends. Friend now? Dunno, maintaining friendships has been rough.
*Sighs*
I just have to admit that I'm lucky as all get out to have found somebody who can accept me for who I am despite my flaws. Really helped make life worth living a lot more... but it's a lot of mental baggage to work through.
Went from being one of the smartest kids in the high achievers magnet program, to getting kicked out because of some low grades in part due to my inability to handle the bullying, back to the regular public school where the bullying was even worse, to spending a year in a mental institution because of the depression and anger and anxiety caused in large part by all the bullying, to trying to get back into school afterwards, to just dropping out because the bullying still didn't stop.
So yeah. I can kinda relate.
Devolution
Member
Plenty of bullies are growing up in crappy ass situations and are just lashing out. When I hear about what was going on in the lives of the bullies I encountered in school I just pitied them later in life rather than despised them, especially considering my parents were so great and theirs were so cruel.
Acerac
Banned
Huh. I went from being depressed while typing it out to slightly happy that somebody not only dealt with what I did but worse, to disappointed in myself for having those feelings. That's schadenfreude for you I guess but I feel fucking abysmal for having it, in this circumstance more than most.
It's amazing that at no point does the administration step in. Are they that blind? Do they not notice something is wrong at some point during the slide?
Oh wait, now I remember. When I fought back I got punished worse than the bullies. Was fucking amazing.
I've read some random responses in this thread and this is what I think. You definitely cannot forgive and in no way should you let that person know that. But, in the other sense you don't want to tell them to fuck off, as they have taken time to actually find you and apologize.
Write out a short message telling them that you cannot forgive as that was a big issue in your childhood, thank them for trying to get in touch but that you do not wish to communicate with them anymore.
Write out a short message telling them that you cannot forgive as that was a big issue in your childhood, thank them for trying to get in touch but that you do not wish to communicate with them anymore.
Yeah. Same thing here. Shit sucked.
I was bullied more then my fair share in middle school and a good part of high school. Not really interested in going into details because there is no point. But OP my advice is just forgive her and move on although it sounds like you are already going to do that anyway.
My friend is an aspiring director and this is a documentary he has been working on for the last few years. I have no financial stake or any stake for that matter in this, but when it comes out I'd highly suggest some of you check it out. Even has a guy from columbine who's sister was killed in the attacks. Again this is not a plug, I have zero stake of any kind in this film. I just feel it's relevant to post, the trailer is pretty moving.
For those of you who still hold a grudge against the kids that bullied you my advice is really to move on. It's not about letting them off the hook as much as it's about forgiving them so you can move on with your life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VebIxH6Q1-g
My friend is an aspiring director and this is a documentary he has been working on for the last few years. I have no financial stake or any stake for that matter in this, but when it comes out I'd highly suggest some of you check it out. Even has a guy from columbine who's sister was killed in the attacks. Again this is not a plug, I have zero stake of any kind in this film. I just feel it's relevant to post, the trailer is pretty moving.
For those of you who still hold a grudge against the kids that bullied you my advice is really to move on. It's not about letting them off the hook as much as it's about forgiving them so you can move on with your life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VebIxH6Q1-g
With all of my bullies I either:
Got back at them by kicking their ass/hurting them at least enough to make them stop.
Hurled just as many insults back that I never gave a shit what they did.
So if they did apologize I honestly wouldn't care and wouldn't reply. I do feel like there are people I should I apologize to for some of the shit I've done though.
Got back at them by kicking their ass/hurting them at least enough to make them stop.
Hurled just as many insults back that I never gave a shit what they did.
So if they did apologize I honestly wouldn't care and wouldn't reply. I do feel like there are people I should I apologize to for some of the shit I've done though.
Oh do not get me wrong, I thought the kids will be kids statement implied the general lack of empathy that leads to some teasing and laughing. I made this statement as the case in the OP did not seem too serious, I doubt this muslim lady severely bullied him.
Obviously that statement doesn't apply to cases of outright hatefulness as that is not a predisposition of being a kid. If I was going for the extreme:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_James_Bulger
If someone does something wrong and then afterwards they see the error of their ways forgiveness should be automatic. If they genuinely think what they did is wrong they will feel ill will towards themselves. You don't need to feel ill will towards them, they've changed, they're no longer the same person.
It doesn't mean they have to be let off, doesn't mean they shouldn't be punished or have to make reparations. But the "hate" so to speak is targeted at what they were, not what they are and so it becomes redundant. Now of course you can't know if they are genuine, you can't see inside their heads. Only they can know that.
So in a sense forgiveness is meaningless. If someone is part of your life, then they may have the opportunity over time to prove that they are genuine. If they aren't part of your life, well I suppose forgiveness would help give them a chance to prove to themselves that they are genuine.
Ultimately, you don't need to maintain contact with them but you should try to accept the apology. You should do this for your own sake. It's about you, it's about what kind of person you are. If it's difficult that fine, you don't have to, you don't need to torture yourself or feel guilty or anything. But you should always strive to be the best person you can be, you should try to do what's right even when things are difficult. Not responding won't reflect badly on you, but responding positively will be a clear display to yourself of your good character.
It doesn't mean they have to be let off, doesn't mean they shouldn't be punished or have to make reparations. But the "hate" so to speak is targeted at what they were, not what they are and so it becomes redundant. Now of course you can't know if they are genuine, you can't see inside their heads. Only they can know that.
So in a sense forgiveness is meaningless. If someone is part of your life, then they may have the opportunity over time to prove that they are genuine. If they aren't part of your life, well I suppose forgiveness would help give them a chance to prove to themselves that they are genuine.
Ultimately, you don't need to maintain contact with them but you should try to accept the apology. You should do this for your own sake. It's about you, it's about what kind of person you are. If it's difficult that fine, you don't have to, you don't need to torture yourself or feel guilty or anything. But you should always strive to be the best person you can be, you should try to do what's right even when things are difficult. Not responding won't reflect badly on you, but responding positively will be a clear display to yourself of your good character.
OJdaKiller
Member
So someone can torment you for years at a time and then just send a frickin email years later saying they are sorry and everything is supposed to be cool? Making amends shouldn't be that easy and the effort that went into the amends certainly isn't on par with the suffering endured by the person who was bullied.
krameriffic
Member
I wouldn't feel obligated to respond, but I agree that the apology appears to be sincere.
Man, I'm glad I called that guy.
I was ridiculously bullied in middle school. Literally, and I mean literally, the entire school was against me. I got in fights all the time, barely escaped being stabbed by a knife walking home one day (and from that day on my mom picked me up immediately when I got out), actually had entire classes devolve into the entire class chanting whatever bullshit at me as the teacher just stared like a deer in the headlights, etc.
Anyway, I got a friend request from one of the kids one or two years ago. I thought it was weird, and didn't know what to do at first, but accepted it anyway. He messaged me afterward and asked me how my life was and so-on. We talked, and are still friends on there, but he's never mentioned the bullying. Whole thing was pretty weird. Only reason I didn't really care was because he was never one of the main instigators. He was one of those unpopular kids who join in trying to act cool.
Anyway, I got a friend request from one of the kids one or two years ago. I thought it was weird, and didn't know what to do at first, but accepted it anyway. He messaged me afterward and asked me how my life was and so-on. We talked, and are still friends on there, but he's never mentioned the bullying. Whole thing was pretty weird. Only reason I didn't really care was because he was never one of the main instigators. He was one of those unpopular kids who join in trying to act cool.
I'll tell her I accept the apology, although I'm not going to thank her or anything. I'm sure, as others have said, that her having kids and them growing up finally showed her that it isn't fun when you're on the receiving end. That's good enough for me.
It would be dishonest of me to really lash out on a person that I didn't even really remember. Now if it was one of the chucklefucks that did the physical stuff to me, then maybe. But I know like half of them are in jail or dead.
I used to have to run to the bus just so one kid wouldn't try to jump me, and would do shit like try to slap me while we were riding back on the bus. One day I was just done, he got off 2 blocks before I did so I just got off the stop with him and followed him slowly. He started running away down the block :lol
Ah, ok. That sounds sensible to me. Thanking them doesn't really make sense to me anyway, but yeah. It probably needn't be big anyway if you don't remember her.
After reading this thread, I have to say that I am glad I wasn't made to suffer the same things many here are in. I also recognize that there is a serious difference between the regular teasing and annoyances and the absolute evil some kids inflict upon each other. It really is astounding when teachers find out and don't interfere. That, more than anything, I think, is what allows the problem to continue.
cheststrongwell
my cake, fuck off
I wish I could find this kid I bullied in middle school. He was in my gym class and I bullied him every day for a whole year. I don't even know his name.
Laughing Banana
Weeping Pickle
Some things in this world just cannot be forgiven. Many people in this thread stated that being able to impart forgiveness is "better" and will make you a "better person" and in that those who are unable to do so are being "childish" or "need to grow up" or whathaveyou.
I disagree. I think that the childish ones are actually those who expect just because an apology is being said then everything will be fine and dandy, or those who expect that "I forgive you" can just magically erase all the bad feelings generated by those who are being selfish asshole. Sure, sometimes all can be flowers and rainbows in the end but this is not always the case.
The best advice I can give, OP, is just being honest to yourself. Do not feel pressured to accept her apology by those who say that you have to forgive her "because it'll make you a better person" or "stop being resentful person." If you can say honestly that you're okay with her, response positively but on the other hand if you are still genuinely mad about how she treated you, then go ahead say it to her or just ignore her altogether.
I disagree. I think that the childish ones are actually those who expect just because an apology is being said then everything will be fine and dandy, or those who expect that "I forgive you" can just magically erase all the bad feelings generated by those who are being selfish asshole. Sure, sometimes all can be flowers and rainbows in the end but this is not always the case.
The best advice I can give, OP, is just being honest to yourself. Do not feel pressured to accept her apology by those who say that you have to forgive her "because it'll make you a better person" or "stop being resentful person." If you can say honestly that you're okay with her, response positively but on the other hand if you are still genuinely mad about how she treated you, then go ahead say it to her or just ignore her altogether.
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