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A bully finds from long ago finds you on Facebook to apologize..
- Thread starter FyreWulff
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The apology is 'probably' sincere. I'd wager that it was brought on by something happening in her life that made her reflect back on what she did in school.
Like others have said it's probably one of her kids is being bullied and making her feel bad about having done it herself. I really doubt she spent the last 14 years or whatever regretting it.
Somewhat similar thing happened to me. It turned out that the person that contacted me contacted me not too long after something similar happened to them and made them realize that they'd been a dick.
Like others have said it's probably one of her kids is being bullied and making her feel bad about having done it herself. I really doubt she spent the last 14 years or whatever regretting it.
Somewhat similar thing happened to me. It turned out that the person that contacted me contacted me not too long after something similar happened to them and made them realize that they'd been a dick.
EatinOlives
Member
My thoughts exactly.
I was never bullied, I have no "scars" from bad experiences as a kid, and I never grew up holding grudges against people, but even I know the only reason she's doing that is to make her feel good about herself. The messages indicate she only wants one thing: for OP to forgive her. There's no attempt at a reconnection with him, and I guarantee you that if she gets a quick and dirty "Apology accepted, I forgive you", she'll say "thanks!" and never speak to him again, happily knowing that all's well and forgiven and everything's fine and dandy. Now she can stop thinking she was a rotten child because her victim "forgave her", so now she won't feel about any of it.
Bullying as a kid to other kids is just about the worst fucking thing anyone can do. People don't seem to realize how badly it scars them for life. I'm sorry, but you do NOT get to come to someone out of the blue and say "LOL sorry about that back thar. Kids r mean and y'know, stuff. I'm kind of feeling shitty about it so we cool?" Like you said, that's having her cake and eating it too.
I'm not saying the victim should hold onto every moment and sincerely wish for pain on the bully for the rest of his/her life, but that doesn't mean the bully gets forgiveness on demand. This is what the lady on the original post wants. Forgiveness on demand. OP has zero obligation to forgive her. I'm actually kind of peeved that she used the phrase "find it in your heart", as if the onus is now on HIM to forgive her or NOW he's the asshole. What a bunch of bullshit.
OP, honestly, I wouldn't reply, I'd just ignore her. You owe her nothing, and a few key phrases ("kids are mean", "find it in your heart") show she hasn't learned shit. She doesn't want you to feel better, she wants you to make her feel better.
Just say thanks for the apology
I used to get bullied in school alot, rocks thrown at my head, chairs thrown at me, following me after school and kicking me and punching me while Im walking home, I just took it all in silence, I was a big guy i could take a lot of abuse.
When they pushed me to far however It didn't stop me from breaking their nose off a locker, or grabbing them by the legs and swinging them face first into a light pole, after they healed I apologized for hurting them and wanted to make amends, a hand shake and smile if they wanted to be friends, they didnt accept...But i felt better.
I used to get bullied in school alot, rocks thrown at my head, chairs thrown at me, following me after school and kicking me and punching me while Im walking home, I just took it all in silence, I was a big guy i could take a lot of abuse.
When they pushed me to far however It didn't stop me from breaking their nose off a locker, or grabbing them by the legs and swinging them face first into a light pole, after they healed I apologized for hurting them and wanted to make amends, a hand shake and smile if they wanted to be friends, they didnt accept...But i felt better.
BankaiZaraki
Banned
I was bullied all through out middle school and high school because of my height(I'm pretty short by average American standards). If I ever did see those kids again, I won't hesitate to unleash hell back on them. Even if they came up and tried to apologize for what they did, I wouldn't have any of it.
I found all the girls I treated poorly as a teen and atoned via social media.Most of them said they never felt weird about any of it, but a lot of them I really felt like I'd used. I wonder if I didn't reverse hurt their feelings?
I was picked on a lot when I was younger for having long hair and dressing weird (I had hip parents in a suburban rich neighborhood I technically didn't live in... it was weird)
Often I think back on being knocked off my bike and into a deep ditch where people spit on me as I tried to get my bike out.
I don't know how I'd react to an apology. It'd make me feel better knowing they remembered it and regretted it, but I don't think I'd get much more out of it.I mean, I think about it sometimes,but it doesn't make me feel that much, and I'm really successful and happy right now.
I was picked on a lot when I was younger for having long hair and dressing weird (I had hip parents in a suburban rich neighborhood I technically didn't live in... it was weird)
Often I think back on being knocked off my bike and into a deep ditch where people spit on me as I tried to get my bike out.
I don't know how I'd react to an apology. It'd make me feel better knowing they remembered it and regretted it, but I don't think I'd get much more out of it.I mean, I think about it sometimes,but it doesn't make me feel that much, and I'm really successful and happy right now.
Sounds like she's going through some kind of five-step program and reaching out to people is one of her assignments.
That said, it sounds sincere. I think saying you appreciate her reaching out is a fair response. Unless you don't appreciate it. In which case just ignore the message and stop overthinking things.
I wasn't much of a bully in school, but there were a couple girls (in more recent years) that I broke things off without... really... telling them. It ate away at me enough that I've actually apologized to them (also through Facebook). Having them respond and talk to me was pretty awesome. It was good to know that they didn't hold much against me.
That said, it sounds sincere. I think saying you appreciate her reaching out is a fair response. Unless you don't appreciate it. In which case just ignore the message and stop overthinking things.
I wasn't much of a bully in school, but there were a couple girls (in more recent years) that I broke things off without... really... telling them. It ate away at me enough that I've actually apologized to them (also through Facebook). Having them respond and talk to me was pretty awesome. It was good to know that they didn't hold much against me.
Professor Beef
Banned
I say apologize. It's not like you ever have to talk to that person again.
Mildly related, but apparently I bullied or otherwise treated someone like crap in middle school. The guy added me on Facebook and sometime after he was posting pics from our middle school yearbook (the one that he owned), then he posted the page that my name on it and I was scratched out with black marker and shit. I don't even remember what I did to the guy, but apparently he must not have liked me.
Mildly related, but apparently I bullied or otherwise treated someone like crap in middle school. The guy added me on Facebook and sometime after he was posting pics from our middle school yearbook (the one that he owned), then he posted the page that my name on it and I was scratched out with black marker and shit. I don't even remember what I did to the guy, but apparently he must not have liked me.
POWERSPHERE
Member
Make up sex
Sorry, I thought I tried hard not to make it sound like I was putting everyone in the same basket.
and I agree with you, people that still struggle with childhood trauma after a considerable amount of time should get themselves sorted out. but you cant deny the effect it has on you at that time and for some time afterwards.
I think it really depends on the experience. for example:
If the kid that used to regularly beat me up to the point of strangling me on a regular basis (the teachers did basicly nothing :/) I'd tell him to get lost.
But I'm currently best friends with some people that always used to make jabs at me at comprehensive school.
I find it difficult to accept the 'I was a kid I did stupid shit' excuse. In some instances sure, but I mean I was a kid too, I didn't antagonise people for no reason whatsoever.
That being said, if any of the people who were pricks to me in high school messaged me and apologised, I would definitely respond and say s'all good.
That being said, if any of the people who were pricks to me in high school messaged me and apologised, I would definitely respond and say s'all good.
UnblessedSoul
Member
Just accept the apology, all kids are stupid they think they know everything, but they are still growing up, still learning lifes lessons, childhood is about adapting to a new adult you. Sure they can be hurtful at the time, but when you get older you look back on why you got sad and just laugh cause it's so insignificant
Being ostracized by your peers and told, implicitly or explicitly, that you're worthless and unwanted, repeatedly, nearly every day throughout the most important developmental years of your life, isn't what I'd call "insignificant."
But maybe that's just me.
Actally... I was more "grow up and just accept" but reading this and alot of other comments make me change my mind.
Especially over a facebook message... if they would come home to me and ask to have a chat that would be different storty since it req. balls.
thetrin
Hail, peons, for I have come as ambassador from the great and bountiful Blueberry Butt Explosion
"I really appreciate your message. It's been a long time since middle school, and what you and others did had a huge impact on me over time, but thank you for making the effort and reaching out to me.
How have you been in the intervening years?"
Done and done.
How have you been in the intervening years?"
Done and done.
UnblessedSoul
Member
If they keep bullying you everyday you are most likely scared of everything and refuse to stand up for yourself, that is why it continues cause you are an easy target
ShinNL
Member
I really like this one.
Wait... did you just play the blame-the-victim-card?
If so...
Run... RUN before GAF get a hold of oyu
Team Filler
Member
If it were me on the receiving end of this apology, I would respond with something along the lines of:
It's a lie, sure, but it is also not letting them off the hook for the emotional baggage they should be carrying around for the wrongs they had committed upon you in the past. If they are sorry in earnest for having done those things in the past, your forgiveness isn't that important, because they will always remember having done those deeds.
It's a lie, sure, but it is also not letting them off the hook for the emotional baggage they should be carrying around for the wrongs they had committed upon you in the past. If they are sorry in earnest for having done those things in the past, your forgiveness isn't that important, because they will always remember having done those deeds.
ShinNL
Member
I'm now extremely confident that everyone who goes 'just accept the apology' are bullies themselves.
Bullies are pussies and care about the little social status they can get. They would be the first to be walkovers when it comes to an old bully to apologize over Facebook. OMG, someone contacted me, I must be nice and reply back with a thanks!
You don't seem like a victim at all, stop giving advice.
Joel Was Right
If you smell burning, it's probably the generators acting up. Report it anyway.
I would never forgive them
Monocle
Member
I have mixed feelings about accepting apologies. Guilt and grudges don't contribute to anyone's happiness, and it's certainly true that some people genuinely come to regret acting like jerks. At the same time, a few words, no matter how sincerely meant, can't undo the full effect of a bully's actions. The thing about belated apologies is you can never be sure if the person regrets what they've done, or if they just don't want to feel guilty about it anymore. The cynical view would be, someone who asks for forgiveness years after bullying you is actually inviting you to help them feel good because sometime in the past they made you feel bad. You don't have to know how to put a syllogism together to see where the logic breaks down.
There's another idea to consider. If you accept that people change dynamically through the courses of their lives, it could be that you and the bully are now so unlike who you were when you met all those years ago that you're essentially different people. In that case, you can't resolve the personal business of your younger selves because in effect they no longer exist. (This strikes me as a clumsy and potentially confusing way to convey my thought, but I hope you see what I mean.)
There's another idea to consider. If you accept that people change dynamically through the courses of their lives, it could be that you and the bully are now so unlike who you were when you met all those years ago that you're essentially different people. In that case, you can't resolve the personal business of your younger selves because in effect they no longer exist. (This strikes me as a clumsy and potentially confusing way to convey my thought, but I hope you see what I mean.)
Sixfortyfive
He who pursues two rabbits gets two rabbits.
I'm not going to pretend that there's a one-size-fits-all solution, but I'd be pretty forgiving if I got the impression that the person in question was sincere. You can never be too sure what motivates people to do what they do or what kind of circumstances they come from. If it seems that they've grown as a person enough to finally feel remorse and empathy, that in and of itself would probably be satisfying enough for me.
A lot of replies in this thread make me genuinely sad.
A lot of replies in this thread make me genuinely sad.
Okay.
ajim
Member
I was bullied during high school when I was about 14 for acne and the like. But there was one kid I bullied during that period, and I hated myself for it.
Found him on facebook and sent him a huge letter of apology.
No reply. Fair enough.
But I still feel real bad about it even now, and feel total shame and regret for doing it thinking how stupid and selfish I was.
Uh.
Found him on facebook and sent him a huge letter of apology.
No reply. Fair enough.
But I still feel real bad about it even now, and feel total shame and regret for doing it thinking how stupid and selfish I was.
Uh.
Pretty much my thoughts on a lot of the posts in here.
NaturalHigh
Member
I don't care how much you were bullied in school. If you can't acknowledge a bully from the past's apology then you are weak. You are showing less character as an adult than the bully was as a kid.
Why should one CARE about someone that was an asshole to him/her back then?
Even worse - if you got a scar for life, why should you be nice to one of the causes and help THEM with their GUILTY CONSCIENCE so that THEY would feel better?
The bully was an asshole. Ignoring him later isn't bullying back. It's just ignoring him.
Yep. the person didnt have to do anything, im amazed that some people carry a grudge for so long over some childhood bullying.
Because some people like being a good person and don't attempt to harbor grudges.
This. some of gaf worries me. some (like sean) give me hope!
corporate cheerleader
Member
I tried standing up for myself plenty of times. I usually ended up getting in trouble, while the bullies got off with no punishment and new ammunition to use against me.
And even if I hadn't, you clearly have no fucking clue what you're talking about.
Nah, GAF only gets upset when blaming the victim in certain cases. Bullying isn't one of them.
NaturalHigh
Member
Not healthy: "Oh, man. I can't believe this asshole had the gumption to message me after all they put me through. It is 14 years later, why should I have to apologize to them? They are the ones that were mean to me."
Healthy: "It's cool. I have a lot of bad memories from back then. I'm glad you came forward and said something. How has your life been since then and what made you think about me at this point in your life?"
People are human. Kids are dumbasses. Anyone that ignores a request for forgiveness of an act 14 years ago is holding a grudge and just letting themselves continue to be affected by some petty bullshit from forever ago. It may be hard to forgive someone but once you do you will feel a lot better.
Hope that your bully victims will forgive you?
i was a nerd to the 10th degree growing up =p. i wouldnt kill a fly.
FlutterPuffs
Member
I was bullied for being fat. A few years ago I would probably just give them shit if they tried to apologise.
Now though? Meh. Life is too short for that. I'll forgive them.
Now though? Meh. Life is too short for that. I'll forgive them.
What?
That's not a grudge. It's just not caring about such people. I don't care about the bullies from my past. I don't hate them. But I also wouldn't help them. I just don't care. I wouldn't waste 5 minutes of my life for them. I would rather use those 5 minutes to be with my friends, post here on GAF, whatever.
I mean the girl in the OP doesn't really care about FyreWulff. She just wants to get freed from her guilty conscience. That's actually selfish behaviour.
If they both met somewhere and she really wanted to be friends with him, then I would see the point. But this? No. It's just "I don't want to feel shitty about my past behaviour" and that's it. And why should he help her with that? Would be a pretty stupid thing to do.
I mean replace bullying with rape. Would that make sense? "Oh I'm so sorry, that I raped you 10 years ago, will you forgive me". I doubt that there would be a victim anywhere that replied "Forget it, it wasn't that bad".
Another bully excuse.
No, all kids are not dumbasses. Some kids are bullies and are assholes. Some other kids are not. I definitely wasn't. And the best soccer player in my class back then was also the complete opposite of a bully and was super nice.
StalkerUKCG
Banned
Are we going to see your appology and the message she sends back? Is she a hottie now. Maybe she wants to be all up on dat Fyrewulf ass
It's selfish to apologize now? I don't even know how to respond to that. Have you never had regret? Never apologized? It's part of a lot of relationships. I guess I know where my priorities are. If someone wanted to apologize for calling me fat when I was younger, I'd shrug my shoulders and say we were dumb kids, it's no big deal. Obviously not all bullying is created equally, but if they're being sincere why not accept the apology and let it become water under the bridge?
And the rape comparison....yeah don't even go there. Im not touching that one.
NaturalHigh
Member
You are assuming the worst case for the OP's childhood bully.
Who knows what it will do for them if you just accept it? What if the bully committed suicide because you wouldn't forgive them for making fun of you 14 years ago? It's called empathy man.
And that rape comparison to bullying??? Come on man. Let's be reasonable. I can see extreme bullying being somewhat similar but OP doesn't even remember exactly how big of a bully this girl was. So it is not like she was an evil person. Who knows what her life was like back then?
Sixfortyfive
He who pursues two rabbits gets two rabbits.
If I really wanted to be picky, I'd go so far as to suggest that there's no such thing as a truly selfless act anyway. Actions driven by guilt or empathy are always done at least in part so that the person in question can sleep a little better at night.
So I don't really think that matters. A desire to not cause suffering is in and of itself a mature quality to have, whether you think it stems from "selfish" needs or not.
computers putin'
Member
To the OP, even though it doesn't sound like her bullying left much of an impact on you, you're not obligated to accept her apology. If you do accept it, that's fine, either way you're not in the wrong, but don't feel like you owe her anything just because she reached out to you. I haven't been bullied since third grade, and I found my own closure about the situation a long time ago, so if one of them reached out to me I'd probably feel total indifference. Me responding would depend on the mood I'm in and would be done on a whim really.
Omegasquash
Member
FyreWulff, do whatever feels right.
IMO, she's not apologizing because it's the right thing to do, she's apologizing to make amends and do something for herself.
IMO, she's not apologizing because it's the right thing to do, she's apologizing to make amends and do something for herself.
You have to man up or accept that kids are kids...till someone commits suicide, of course. Some shitty rationalization adults like to do. Blame the situation rather themselves while passing down that idiotic mentality.
And you assume that it didn't bother him that much.
In that case, I wouldn't see the point of him creating a thread about exactly that on GAF. I mean if I had the same happen to me - would I create a thread on GAF? Nope, I wouldn't. Because I just don't care. I don't care about that past of mine nor do I care about the bullies from back then.
Did she wrote that she would kill herself?
You are assuming a lot. And EVEN if she did. Shouldn't you rather care about victims of bullying that kill themselves instead of caring about the actual bullies? Although I doubt anyone of those would kill themselves because of it. And even then, it was THEIR conscious decision to do what they did.
I mean there are so many suicidal people out there. Do you care about all of them? No? Why not? Because you don't know them personally and there are just way too many people? Okay, fine. But then, why should you care about some asshole from your past that may or may not kill himself? I rather care about NICE people from my past or present. People that I actually know.
But instead you are even assuming that she may be suicidal and because of that, everyone should be nice to her. Do I get this right?
Rape may cause physiological long-term problems.
Getting bullied for months or years may cause physiological long-term problems.
People seriously underestimate the consequences of bullying. Read this: http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2010/11/28/inside_the_bullied_brain/
And please stop with the bully excuses. My dad killed himself when I just had my 11th birthday. That's pretty horrible, I guess. But I still didn't went into asshole mode. Funnily this incident didn't stop the bullies, it even went worse.
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