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[NaturalHigh]

And you assume that it didn't bother him that much.
In that case, I wouldn't see the point of him creating a thread about exactly that on GAF. I mean if I had the same happen to me - would I create a thread on GAF? Nope, I wouldn't. Because I just don't care. I don't care about that past of mine nor do I care about the bullies from back then.

Well I think I would at least say "It's okay." Just in the off chance it may help them out a lot. The 1.5 seconds it would take me to type that would be worth it if it helped them sleep at night.

Did she wrote that she would kill herself?
You are assuming a lot. And EVEN if she did. Shouldn't you rather care about victims of bullying that kill themselves instead of caring about the actual bullies? Although I doubt anyone of those would kill themselves because of it. And even then, it was THEIR conscious decision to do what they did.

I mean there are so many suicidal people out there. Do you care about all of them? No? Why not? Because you don't know them personally and there are just way too many people? Okay, fine. But then, why should you care about some asshole from your past that may or may not kill himself? I rather care about NICE people from my past or present. People that I actually know.

But instead you are even assuming that she may suicidal and because of that, everyone should be nice to her. Do I get this right?

I am just saying none of us know how much guilt she feels for it. I agree with you in that I doubt many bullies take their lives because of the guilt from their bullying history.

As for it being their decision: they were teenagers. Your body is going through so much shit then. As others have said if the bully is coming forward now it probably means she actually feels bad for being a shitty person before and just wanted to say sorry.

And yes. I do believe you should be nice to everyone but I wouldn't go out of my way to be if the person wasn't deserving.

Rape may cause physiological long-term problems.
Getting bullied for months or years may cause physiological long-term problems.
People seriously underestimate the consequences of bullying.

And please stop with the bully excuses. My dad killed himself when I just had my 11th birthday. That's pretty horrible, I guess. But I still didn't went into asshole mode. Funnily this incident didn't stop the bullies, it even went worse.

I am aware bullying can cause serious issues. You see it all the time in the news and on GAF. I was semi-bullied, nothing too extreme. I am lucky because I am a strong person and pretty much nothing gets to me. I do have moments of weakness though but I never dwell on it.

Sorry about your dad. Just because you were a strong enough person to carry on doesn't mean everyone else is going to be wired the same way. I lost my dad last year and I am only 24. There are a lot of people that would not have handled it the same way as me but I empathize with them. That is my main point here is for the OP to just be the bigger person.

 

[ShinNL]

That is my main point here is for the OP to just be the bigger person.

I just don't agree with this kind of argument. The OP is not any lesser of a person if he doesn't accept the apology.

What's worse is how many posts will give you shit for not accepting the apology: you would be a baby, bitter, angry, a lesser person, have no backbone, someone with no empathy, unhealthy, grudge harboring not-good and weak person. Heck, these are randomly selected statements from just 4 people! If I add all the descriptions, it becomes even more sick. Truly sick, that you would describe a bully's victim like this.

The bully is no freaking saint after 1 apology and stop labeling the victim as a devil whatever the victim does with an apology.

 

[NaturalHigh]

I just don't agree with this kind of argument. The OP is not any lesser of a person if he doesn't accept the apology.

What's worse is how many posts will give you shit for not accepting the apology: you would be a baby, bitter, angry, a lesser person, have no backbone, someone with no empathy, unhealthy, grudge harboring not-good and weak person. Heck, these are randomly selected statements from just 4 people! If I add all the descriptions, it becomes even more sick. Truly sick, that you would describe a bully's victim like this.

The bully is no freaking saint after 1 apology and stop labeling the victim as a devil whatever the victim does with an apology.

I would be more understanding of your argument if the bully in question was a major player in OP's past. But he said she wasn't. He barely remembered her. So there is no reason to treat her as if she is the embodiement of his pain and suffering from all of the other bullies in his life.

I can see how some of the words I have used seem harsh, I really don't want to come off as an asshole. Both the OP and the EX-bully are human. I just like closure as I think it helps people move on. If the OP doesn't give a shit then it's whatever I guess. Seems to be a pretty big split in opinion here but I get what all of the victim advocates are saying as well.

 

[adamsappel]

There was a girl in jr. high and high school who was really cruel to me. It took me until many years afterward to realize that she probably liked me. I feel bad for her because she married a classmate who abused her for years and she ended up killing him.

 

[ShinNL]

I would be more understanding of your argument if the bully in question was a major player in OP's past. But he said she wasn't. He barely remembered her. So there is no reason to treat her as if she is the embodiement of his pain and suffering from all of the other bullies in his life.

I can see how some of the words I have used seem harsh, I really don't want to come off as an asshole. Both the OP and the EX-bully are human. I just like closure as I think it helps people move on. If the OP doesn't give a shit then it's whatever I guess. Seems to be a pretty big split in opinion here but I get what all of the victim advocates are saying as well.

Most people tune out bad memories from the past in order to move on. For me, my incredibly sick and harsh treatment at home is hard for me to remember right away unless I spend time on it. It doesn't mean I will forgive the people who are responsible.

I tuned out over 15 years of psychological torture from my parents at home. Surely people do the same with bad moments in school. I don't think about it daily, weekly or monthly, I hardly even do. But if I try my best to remember all the bad things? Would I forgive? No. To forgive horrible acts, to me, is like accepting a person despite having shown despicable behavior. And I also believe that apologetic words mean nothing. A real apology is done as an act (like some people have said: meeting in real person or something like that). Just some words on Facebook, right. That's something I would never take seriously.

While I agree it scales with the level of severity, I don't agree that if it's not sever enough that it's an auto-acceptance. I think it's perfectly fine, okay and healthy to simply refuse an apology. It's possible to refuse an apology in a friendly manner as well. You can be on friendly terms or on bad terms, but you can also be on no terms, which to me seems like a perfect answer since everyone forgot about it anyway.

 

[Kenshin001]

There was a girl in jr. high and high school who was really cruel to me. It took me until many years afterward to realize that she probably liked me. I feel bad for her because she married a classmate who abused her for years and she ended up killing him.

You should be happy. Karma is awesome.

 

[Lmo911]

This one is never easy. There's a whole spectrum of bullying that starts with name calling and can end with horrific acts like rape and murder. It took years to recover from some of the things I went through in middle/high school and I'd rather not dwell upon it.

I've always been of the opinion that forgiveness is earned instead of given. It took me a long time to come to terms with some of my issues and hopping on Facebook to ask someone to forgive me wasn't even on the menu. It just rings a little hollow. I'd ask the person what they've done to become a better person and weigh it against what they did to me/others. Really the only thing the bully needs to say is "I'm sorry." After that the bully needs to get to work.

 

[ShinNL]

This one is never easy. There's a whole spectrum of bullying that starts with name calling and can end with horrific acts like rape and murder. It took years to recover from some of the things I went through in middle/high school and I'd rather not dwell upon it.

I've always been of the opinion that forgiveness is earned instead of given. It took me a long time to come to terms with some of my issues and hopping on Facebook to ask someone to forgive me wasn't even on the menu. It just rings a little hollow. I'd ask the person what they've done to become a better person and weigh it against what they did to me/others. Really the only thing the bully needs to say is "I'm sorry." After that the bully needs to get to work.

I completely agree.

 

[Stinkles]

Guy that used the bully me, well, more like kept beating me up in provoked fights, he never actually taunted me or made it a hobby and I probably could have walked away, went on to draw against a former world heavyweight champ, Tim Witherspoon, so now I don't feel so bad about those losses. It's not an apology but I will take it anyway.

 

[hodgy100]

Not healthy: "Oh, man. I can't believe this asshole had the gumption to message me after all they put me through. It is 14 years later, why should I have to apologize to them? They are the ones that were mean to me."

Healthy: "It's cool. I have a lot of bad memories from back then. I'm glad you came forward and said something. How has your life been since then and what made you think about me at this point in your life?"

People are human. Kids are dumbasses. Anyone that ignores a request for forgiveness of an act 14 years ago is holding a grudge and just letting themselves continue to be affected by some petty bullshit from forever ago. It may be hard to forgive someone but once you do you will feel a lot better.

so where does the, oh that guy.... meh *closes message* sit? as that would probably be my reaction

 

[ShinNL]

so where does the, oh that guy.... meh *closes message* sit? as that would probably be my reaction

"Anyone that ignores a request for forgiveness of an act 14 years ago is holding a grudge and just letting themselves continue to be affected by some petty bullshit from forever ago."

So stop holding a grudge and be affected by some petty bullshit, you unhealthy person.

(Is not my conclusion)

 

[NaturalHigh]

so where does the, oh that guy.... meh *closes message* sit? as that would probably be my reaction

the "lol, didn't read" reaction? I mean if you don't read it I guess it is easier not to give a fuck. But the OP did read it, so I think he should acknowledge it to the bully.

 

[tearsofash]

I usually never got apologies, but I'd get "are still crazy" long-lost messages because I would only tolerate bullies for so long until I had to force them to stop being mean to me.

 

[charsace]

I would not give the satisfaction of getting forgiveness.

 

[hodgy100]

the "lol, didn't read" reaction? I mean if you don't read it I guess it is easier not to give a fuck. But the OP did read it, so I think he should acknowledge it to the bully.

No, as in I read it but I don't really care.

Reading it doesn't make it any less difficult to ignore, I just don't feel the need to instantly make relations with everyone I come into contact with. Especially if any experiences I've had with them have been negative, no matter how long ago.

It's not even like I hate the person or have a grudge I would just feel apathetic.

I think it's fair to say that this thread as transcended past OP's original scenario, and ultimately It's up to the OP how/if he responds

 

[Llyranor]

No, as in I read it but I don't really care.

Reading it doesn't make it any less difficult to ignore, I just don't feel the need to instantly make relations with everyone I come into contact with. Especially if any experiences I've had with them have been negative, no matter how long ago.

It's not even like I hate the person or have a grudge I would just feel apathetic.

I think it's fair to say that this thread as transcended past OP's original scenario, and ultimately It's up to the OP how/if he responds

I'd say that's a valid reaction. You don't owe the other person anything. If they are insignificant in your life now, they are insignificant. You are not the one who wronged the other person, you don't need to go out of your way to do *anything*

However, in the OP's case, I would opt for forgiveness. The reaching out is probably genuine. OP's call, though. Do whatever will make you feel better (I don't think being petty will make you feel better in the long run, maybe only momentarily)

 

[NaturalHigh]

No, as in I read it but I don't really care.

Reading it doesn't make it any less difficult to ignore, I just don't feel the need to instantly make relations with everyone I come into contact with. Especially if any experiences I've had with them have been negative, no matter how long ago.

It's not even like I hate the person or have a grudge I would just feel apathetic.

I think it's fair to say that this thread as transcended past OP's original scenario, and ultimately It's up to the OP how/if he responds

Agreed.

I'll never forget this one bully I had in 7th grade that gave me shit. It was pretty minor stuff but I still remember. Anyways fast forward 6 years later and his girlfriend/baby momma is hired at the same place as me. Next thing you know we are making out in her car multiple times and she is begging for the d. Unfortunately, I had a g/f and decided to stay somewhat loyal. Karma at its finest.

 

[Jason's Ultimatum]

In high school, when I was a jr or sr, this freshman kid who I didn't know or seen before used talk shit to me and my friend for some reason. Then one day we started making fun of him, and he threatened to bring a gun to school. I mentioned it in our chemistry class, and one guy I knew who's probably been hit in the head one too many times from football mentioned it to the teacher. Ended in the principal's office with the police and everything.

Thinking about it now, it was probably good someone from class mentioned it to the teacher.

 

[ShinNL]

Agreed.

I'll never forget this one bully I had in 7th grade that gave me shit. It was pretty minor stuff but I still remember. Anyways fast forward 6 years later and his girlfriend/baby momma is hired at the same place as me. Next thing you know we are making out in her car multiple times and she is begging for the d. Unfortunately, I had a g/f and decided to stay somewhat loyal. Karma at its finest.

Somewhat loyal, heh. It's probably in your best interest if karma doesn't exist then.

 

[NaturalHigh]

Somewhat loyal, heh. It's probably in your best interest if karma doesn't exist then.

It already came back at me last year. Haha.

 

[adamsappel]

You should be happy. Karma is awesome.

Nah, she would just insult me a lot, call me ugly, say I'd never have a girlfriend, just weird over-the-top things. Nothing that would warrant her being beaten for years and eventually lead her to killing the man she once loved. Pretty sad situation. Once I realized that she had actually liked me, I had a brief fantasy of hooking up with her until I remembered, oh yeah, killed her husband!

I certainly regret the way I often acted in high school, which wasn't bullying, but I would say pretty much anything if I thought it would get a laugh. I probably hurt more than a few people's feelings.

 

[FyreWulff]

FyreWulff, do whatever feels right.

IMO, she's not apologizing because it's the right thing to do, she's apologizing to make amends and do something for herself.

Sup.

I replied back after waiting a few days (because I wanted to wait at least a couple days, and busywork made it get pushed back more and more) saying that I had moved on from those days and I accepted her apology and forgave her. She replied back with "Thank you.". Works for me.

 

[YoungHav]

I have only had attempted bullies (I kicked their asses), but one apologized to me near middle school graduation, he gained my respect.

 

[Rayis]

One thing I've always hated about bullying is that most of the time, the solution that is offered by most people has to do with the victim modifying his/her behavior to deal with the bullying rather than the other way around, that has always pissed me off, so unfair!, let the assholes get away with their behavior and change who you are, I understand standing up for yourself but the bullying can sometimes be as severe that it'd do nothing to stop it, that's thankfully changing but anyway, you don't have to apologize if you don't want to OP, you're under no obligation to respond

 

[Omegasquash]

Sup.

I replied back after waiting a few days (because I wanted to wait at least a couple days, and busywork made it get pushed back more and more) saying that I had moved on from those days and I accepted her apology and forgave her. She replied back with "Thank you.". Works for me.

Old School. And as long as that works for you, it was the right thing to do.

 

[Cubsfan23]

she's probably in AA, they make you apologize to people that you have wronged in the past

 

[FyreWulff]

she's probably in AA, they make you apologize to people that you have wronged in the past

She's apparently Muslim (from looking at her FB) and appears to live in Kansas (based on news stories she's left FB comments on in her timeline). I'm going to take a wild guess and she realized what she did when her own kids started getting shat on for just existing by douchebags.

Old School. And as long as that works for you, it was the right thing to do.

Word. BTW, I actually live with Polago now in Canada (although I'm back home in Nebraska for the moment visiting family). We'll have to catch up sometime.

One thing I've always hated about bullying is that most of the time, the solution that is offered by most people has to do with the victim modifying his/her behavior to deal with the bullying rather than the other way around, that has always pissed me off, so unfair!, let the assholes get away with their behavior and change who you are, I understand standing up for yourself but the bullying can sometimes be as severe that it'd do nothing to stop it, that's thankfully changing but anyway, you don't have to apologize if you don't want to OP, you're under no obligation to respond

Yeah, I always hated that. And if you even made an attempt to fight back, suddenly the teachers start to pay attention and then threaten you with suspensions and the like.. so you just keep your head down and make it through the day so you don't get a reputation as someone who fights. And I was bullied by the principal in elementary school, so I didn't want to give her any sort of leverage on me.

Luckily, I avoided ever getting suspended in school except for my junior year of high school, where I suspended for being late 3 times (I had to take the city bus to school). People wondered what the fuck I was doing down in the suspension room. It was funny that a) the punishment for me missing class was to take me out of class and b) I had to be escorted to the bathroom, etc because I might just go and uh, late all over everything or something.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

Yep. the person didnt have to do anything, im amazed that some people carry a grudge for so long over some childhood bullying.

I mean, being laughed at or poked fun at is one thing. Having kids do FUCKED up shit like break into your house spraypaint shit about you in your own home. Beat you down. Trash your parents car. Go out of their way to fuck with you every single day can be fucking damaging. It really takes a toll on the human spirit. And let's not even discuss the beatings kids sometimes take from other kids...

All that said I'm a believer that it's best to forgive. It's just one of the moral things my mom got through to me with. I just think it's the healthiest thing to do. Like the saying goes:

Harboring resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.

 

[Air]

Some of you guys seem like super bitter people. Op If she apologized and was sincere, forgive her, and move on with your life. Know that you gave her some form of compassion through your forgiveness and it may have helped her grow. It's what adults do.

 

[flippymittens]

Accept it, its not like I can blame them given societies condemnation of people like me.

Maybe because I am a wimp though.

 

[EatinOlives]

Some of you guys seem like super bitter people. Op If she apologized and was sincere, forgive her, and move on with your life. Know that you gave her some form of compassion through your forgiveness and it may have helped her grow. It's what adults do.

Lol. "If you don't agree you're a child!"

 

[akira28]

contact bully
lull bully into false sense of security
lure bully into trap
???
serve revenge on a cold dish.

 

[dark_chris]

OP, you should forgive the person. Trust me, you'll feel a bit better too. It was so long ago and the person is coming to you to apologize. Go for it.

I'd like to share a story too.

In 5th grade, I had a bully too. He made my year such hell. I was picked on by him and his posse, but mostly by him. I failed 5th grade but even so, I went to their parties, yet, he'd show up and made me still feel like hell. I was withdrawn alot. Eventually, my best friend started helping me through the process and I was turning out alright. I dunno how or what, but the bully eventually started to become my friend. I was extremely reluctant but I did it anyway, because im so forgiving and nice.
Years passed and I found myself hanging out with him more. There was a part of me that didn't want him around so I told him about how he made me feel in 5th grade and told him everything. He felt terrible and he apologized for it.

Now today, we're like brothers and look out for one another. Its strange to meet someone who is your bully growing up eventually becoming your best friend and become like a brother to you.

 

[Air]

Lol. "If you don't agree you're a child!"

Way to miss the point!

 

[Lionel Mandrake]

OP, you should forgive the person. Trust me, you'll feel a bit better too. It was so long ago and the person is coming to you to apologize. Go for it.

I'd like to share a story too.

In 5th grade, I had a bully too. He made my year such hell. I was picked on by him and his posse, but mostly by him. I failed 5th grade but even so, I went to their parties, yet, he'd show up and made me still feel like hell. I was withdrawn alot. Eventually, my best friend started helping me through the process and I was turning out alright. I dunno how or what, but the bully eventually started to become my friend. I was extremely reluctant but I did it anyway, because im so forgiving and nice.
Years passed and I found myself hanging out with him more. There was a part of me that didn't want him around so I told him about how he made me feel in 5th grade and told him everything. He felt terrible and he apologized for it.

Now today, we're like brothers and look out for one another. Its strange to meet someone who is your bully growing up eventually becoming your best friend and become like a brother to you.

Holy shit. That's the most stereotypical looking bully in the history of ever.

 

[dallow_bg]

Holy shit. That's the most stereotypical looking bully in the history of ever.

Yup. I wouldn't even blame the guy for being a bully.

Nice story though.
I need to apologize to someone in sixth grade actually. I wonder if I can find him.

 

[cousins]

Don't do this OP. They are just trying to wash their hands of the guilt they feel. The apology is selfish. I wouldn't even respond. Silence speaks volumes.

someone's sore

 

[spacerumsfield]

Go meet with the bully. Then respond with a kick in the nuts. It's ok if it's a woman, too. A kick to the nuts.

I'd suggest that a dropkick to the ovaries is more appropriate in this instance.

 

[ComputerMKII]

Fuck bullies. They've ruined my childhood, I'll never get it back so they can shove their apologies up their arses. Don't respond to them.

 

[threetri333]

Depends who it is. I despise bullies, but if they can make up for it, then we can set things straight.