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a mushroom walks into a bar.
- Thread starter Megalosaro
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Screaming Meat
Unconfirmed Member
Monkeylord
Member
Time to pull out a classic...
Mum, Dad and Timmy go to the zoo. After wandering around for a few hours marvelling at the various animals the eventually reach the Elephant enclosure. Dad's absolutely busting for a piss and so leaves Timmy with his mum while he hurries to the nearest toilet.
Whilst looking at the elephants, Timmy points over to the nearest one and asks "Mum, what's that?"
"That's an elephant, dear"
"No... that" says Timmy, pointing between the elephants legs at it's dangling penis.
"Oh, that's nothing dear" reply's Timmy's mum, who at this point is clearly embarrassed.
Dad comes back, and see's Mum all flustered. She decides she needs a cold drink, and so leaves Timmy with Dad.
"Dad, What's that?" Said Timmy, once again pointing at the nearby elephant.
"That's an elephant, Son. You know that".
"No... THAT" once again, pointing between the elephants legs.
"Oh... That's the elephant's cock, son".
"Ah... Ok. Mum said it was nothing", replied Timmy, to which his dad responded.
"I spoil that woman"
Mum, Dad and Timmy go to the zoo. After wandering around for a few hours marvelling at the various animals the eventually reach the Elephant enclosure. Dad's absolutely busting for a piss and so leaves Timmy with his mum while he hurries to the nearest toilet.
Whilst looking at the elephants, Timmy points over to the nearest one and asks "Mum, what's that?"
"That's an elephant, dear"
"No... that" says Timmy, pointing between the elephants legs at it's dangling penis.
"Oh, that's nothing dear" reply's Timmy's mum, who at this point is clearly embarrassed.
Dad comes back, and see's Mum all flustered. She decides she needs a cold drink, and so leaves Timmy with Dad.
"Dad, What's that?" Said Timmy, once again pointing at the nearby elephant.
"That's an elephant, Son. You know that".
"No... THAT" once again, pointing between the elephants legs.
"Oh... That's the elephant's cock, son".
"Ah... Ok. Mum said it was nothing", replied Timmy, to which his dad responded.
"I spoil that woman"
Was it one of these mushroom's per chance?
Their not very nice.
This one litterally made me laugh out loud
He is NOT a funny guy -.-
comedy bomb
Banned
What's the difference between a pile of dead prostitutes and a Ferrari?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
Orbis Tabula
Member
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
He bright the iron to his face instead of the phone
MrOogieBoogie
BioShock Infinite is like playing some homeless guy's vivid imagination
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
10/10 lolz
Invisible Man
aka SexyNerd
What are you talking about? I loved it.
Orbis Tabula
Member
Any joke is long if you write it in the format.
However, this is one of my favorite jokes. I get to tell it maybe once a year, but when I do, I always try to make it longer and longer and longer. I've kept people waiting about 45 minutes before delivering the punchline. It gets better every time.
I guess I'm in the 33 percent
Wolfgunblood Garopa
Member
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who just happened to also be blonde.
The blonde policewoman asked to see the driver's license and registration. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?", she finally asked in frustration. "It's square and it has your picture on it", the policewoman replied.
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is", she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
The blonde policewoman asked to see the driver's license and registration. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?", she finally asked in frustration. "It's square and it has your picture on it", the policewoman replied.
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is", she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
ThoseDeafMutes
Member
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
People are saying the Earthquake in Washington is the Government's fault.
People are saying the Earthquake in Washington is the Government's fault.
Duebrithil
Member
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
The best ones so far.
GotEmRunnin
Member
A master Chef asked his 8 month pregnant wife what she wanted for dessert.
The wife immediately replied Banana Pudding but I don't really like bananas in my pudding.
The Chef responded "Well you should have told me that 8 months ago"!
The wife immediately replied Banana Pudding but I don't really like bananas in my pudding.
The Chef responded "Well you should have told me that 8 months ago"!
SneakyStephan
Banned
Phantom lancer walked into a bar
there was no counter
(old patch dota jokes)
there was no counter
(old patch dota jokes)
MWS Natural
Member
Actually took me a bit to get this one..
OldKentuckyShark
Member
Two atoms are in a bar. One says, 'I think I lost an electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' To which the other replies, 'I'm positive.'
Edit: damn, beaten.
Edit: damn, beaten.
Can Crusher
Banned
Time is a flat circle.
A panda walks into a bar and orders a meal. After he finishes, he pulls out a shotgun and fires wildly into the air, before turning to the door.
"Jesus christ!" says the bartender. "What was that for?"
"I'm a panda," says the panda, as it wanders off. "Look it up."
The bartender finds a dictionary and looks up 'panda'. "Panda: A bear native to South Central China. Eats shoots and leaves."
"Jesus christ!" says the bartender. "What was that for?"
"I'm a panda," says the panda, as it wanders off. "Look it up."
The bartender finds a dictionary and looks up 'panda'. "Panda: A bear native to South Central China. Eats shoots and leaves."
Lmao wtf
This is amazing and, made the time it took to enter the thread, worth it.
Okay this one was great
Community Forum
Member
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's house?
Neither has he.
Neither has he.
robot
Member
this is hysterical
Ugh, this was obvious so early for me because I heard a two-line version before.
EDIT: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
BolognaSoup
Member
Two chemists walked into a bar. The first one says "I'll just have an H2O."
The second guy says "I'll have an H2O too." He died.
The second guy says "I'll have an H2O too." He died.
Rentahamster
Rodent Whores
I like this one.
Like the hat?
Banned
Where did the general keep his armies?
A strawberry was late for work. He told his boss he'd been stuck in a jam
in his sleevies
A strawberry was late for work. He told his boss he'd been stuck in a jam
Wag
Member
"When you jerk off, you're saying "Hey, I care about me."
hbkajshdvfbkjhvgkahsgdfka
Member
I don't think that actually happened.
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