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Adult Attachment Theory: Making Your Relationships Make More Sense
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Astral Dog
Member
My mom scares me
Days like these...
Have a Blessed Day
Definitely dismissive avoidant here.
umop_3pisdn
Member
Dismissive-avoidant af
Neverforget
Member
I just read various wiki articles about this studies, thank you for the info OP it's really fascinating.
andythinkpad
Member
So does he suggest looking for people like your type or it doesn't matter?
As do the types have to do with how many siblings you have?
As do the types have to do with how many siblings you have?
Secret Fawful
Member
Yeah, I'm definitely anxious-preoccupied, which stems from having an incredibly non-stable childhood, moving between parents and living locations with no friends whatsoever.
WhiteRabbitEXE
Member
None of those categories seem to strongly/neatly fit me though.
BlackRainbowFT
Member
[removed]
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Blue Ninja
Member
Because they're not meant to. You can have different types of relationships with different people.
For instance, I find myself mostly corresponding to the anxious archetype, though I definitely hit the secure archetype with most of my friends. Same with romantic relationships: once things get established I'll usually move to the secure archetype. Then there's a few relationships of the other types sprinkled through.
Even the most secure person will occasionally have doubts. Even the most emotionally needy person can remain aloof when it comes to certain people. The most distant person can form a stable, meaningful relationship if he finds someone he can open up to.
astroturfing
Member
full-on psychopath here. uhh i mean 100% secure no fears whatsoever, 100% confidence in every situation. a real ĂĽbermensch. come at me world.
Does this also relate to platonic relationships (I don't give a heck about dating), because this is by far the worst feeling. How are you not suppose to feel anxious if people either take more than a day to respond to your texts or straight up ignore it?
If the book gives answers to that I'll read it for sure.
entremet
Member
The biggest issue is the anxious/avoidant pairing. They tend to attract the most but also tend to be mismatched in terms of needs.
However, the book does have strategies for both partners if they're in that dynamic.
Also, while secures are loving and very comfortable with intimacy, secures may stay in poor relationships more readily.
Secures make 50 percent of the population but are not as readily found in the dating pool, they pair up quicker than the other types, especially avoidants.
openrob
Member
Attachment theory is prominent in my work. Secure attachments common, insecure attachments are developed within the first years of life.
A child's personality is pretty much formed before they are walking.
Check out videos of the strange situation for more info.
Also, if interested in child attachment check out the Still face experiment.
https://youtu.be/apzXGEbZht0
And Harlow experiment
https://youtu.be/OrNBEhzjg8I
Except it has a basis in scientific experimentation. The issue actually is that, specifically for children, they can be labelled as XYZ, but the issue is actually parenting. And that children who develop a secure attachment as a baby is more able to manage as an adult. Ideas about a parent being nice to a child and supporting their development came out of studies like these because it has been found that children actually have emotional and social needs that actually support neural development.
.p.s. hope you have good people around you now
A child's personality is pretty much formed before they are walking.
Check out videos of the strange situation for more info.
Also, if interested in child attachment check out the Still face experiment.
https://youtu.be/apzXGEbZht0
And Harlow experiment
https://youtu.be/OrNBEhzjg8I
Except it has a basis in scientific experimentation. The issue actually is that, specifically for children, they can be labelled as XYZ, but the issue is actually parenting. And that children who develop a secure attachment as a baby is more able to manage as an adult. Ideas about a parent being nice to a child and supporting their development came out of studies like these because it has been found that children actually have emotional and social needs that actually support neural development.
Secure attachments are the norm - you can be secure and depressed (so...yay?). Secure attachments aren't about 'love' as such, but about response. Do parents leave a child to cry, is their abuse in the home, etc
.p.s. hope you have good people around you now
Vincent Grayson
Member
Leave it to the internet to once again make me feel like being happy and secure puts me in the minority.
Sometimes I'm not quite sure how I managed it, because my parents were certainly not especially expressive or loving, and I had a fuck of a time growing up depressed and frequently stuck in my room with nothing to do and no one to see.
Sometimes I'm not quite sure how I managed it, because my parents were certainly not especially expressive or loving, and I had a fuck of a time growing up depressed and frequently stuck in my room with nothing to do and no one to see.
I think I probably lean toward dismissive-avoidant, but I am also secure with being in and out of relationships. I prefer independence, and I like my partners to be independent. But that independence is linked by a mutual respect and efforts assisting the other. I will check out that book, it sounds interesting, but I donÂ’t think from the brief description that I fit into any one category particularly well.
I know I am definitely not anxious or fearful. Mostly I donÂ’t care about what other people think of me or whether or not somebody loves me. ItÂ’s got no impact on my life and I canÂ’t recall ever worrying about it, even as a child. But if somebody does care about me, and treats me with respect, I will happily reciprocate, and I will do my best to support them and help them in their pursuits. But when we part ways, for whatever reason, I feel just as stable and satisfied.
I know I am definitely not anxious or fearful. Mostly I donÂ’t care about what other people think of me or whether or not somebody loves me. ItÂ’s got no impact on my life and I canÂ’t recall ever worrying about it, even as a child. But if somebody does care about me, and treats me with respect, I will happily reciprocate, and I will do my best to support them and help them in their pursuits. But when we part ways, for whatever reason, I feel just as stable and satisfied.
entremet
Member
That's some crazy stuff! Like I said before, this book focused on adult attachment with romantic relationships, but the child development stuff is a precursor it.
Infants are really perceptive!
Baron von Loathsome
Member
That anxious type sounds like me.
Ditto, I always find psychology interesting. Would be interesting to extend this study to an office environment.
Secret Fawful
Member
I'd like to know what steps anxious-preoccupied people can take to function better.
From someone who spends all of their time blaming themselves, please feel free to post solutions.
I can't help but getting a little pissy when I read something like this. Like fine, you find some behavior from mentally ill people annoying, got it, but you're totally free to recommend alternatives.
Like, it's tough enough having to go through life day by day having to interact with people who either won't understand what you deal with or will shit on you for not having it all together, without having to read unhelpful stuff like this.
From someone who spends all of their time blaming themselves, please feel free to post solutions.
I can't help but getting a little pissy when I read something like this. Like fine, you find some behavior from mentally ill people annoying, got it, but you're totally free to recommend alternatives.
Like, it's tough enough having to go through life day by day having to interact with people who either won't understand what you deal with or will shit on you for not having it all together, without having to read unhelpful stuff like this.
entremet
Member
The book has tons of suggestions, but it boils to this:
Dating--when dating (not in a committed relationship) try casting a wider net. This will help you screen those who are more comfortable with intimacy and closeness. So sign up for multiple dating sites, make it know in social circle that you're looking for someone and so on. You want to cultivate an abundance mindset, so you're attachment circuits don't fire off too quickly with the first person you're attracted to.
Screen out those who are more aloof.
Communicate your closeness needs with honesty and confidence. Don't expect people to read your mind. Nothing wrong with wanting intimacy and closeness and many partners are fine reciprocating that. Again, this is where traditional dating advice fails anxious types. Traditional airplane bookstore dating guides tell everyone to keep cool and aloof. However, doing this you're not being authentic to who you are. There is a way to communicate your needs for closeness without being appearing needy and book details that.
Don't jump to negative conclusions. An unreturned text could be many things. Look for patterns over time, not isolated incidents.
But the book has way more detailed strategies along with examples of couples the therapists helped.
Secret Fawful
Member
Thanks for this. I'll probably buy it at some point then.
Wait that's an actual thing? Those memes on facebook weren't a joke then ._.
Holy fuck i'm a dude that checks his phone constantly to see if i've gotten a reply, freaks out if one doesn't come within a few hours and gets annoyed when I get 'read' ticks but no replies on my messages.
I've gotta be anxious-preoccupied.
Thinking back to my childhood I was like this alot. I lived with my dad but saw my mum every 2 weeks. She's always been very loving but was terrible at organisation and timekeeping back then. I used to fret so much when she didn't arrive on time to pick me up, i'd literally be staring out the window until I saw her come, getting excited every time I heard a car engine around the corner of the road.
Do I just have to accept that i'm that way?
Edit: just seen the message a couple posts above. Think I need to buy this book.
I've gotta be anxious-preoccupied.
Thinking back to my childhood I was like this alot. I lived with my dad but saw my mum every 2 weeks. She's always been very loving but was terrible at organisation and timekeeping back then. I used to fret so much when she didn't arrive on time to pick me up, i'd literally be staring out the window until I saw her come, getting excited every time I heard a car engine around the corner of the road.
Do I just have to accept that i'm that way?
Edit: just seen the message a couple posts above. Think I need to buy this book.
entremet
Member
Nope. The book has strategies. But self awareness is a good thing.
There's also a thing called the dependency paradox:
https://kylebenson.net/the-dependency-paradox-of-love/
Basically, when you have your secure base because your attachment needs are met, you act more secure. Unreturned texts aren't a bother since you have secure base, which makes less prone to assume the worse.
Secret Fawful
Member
Yeah. It's pretty common, actually.
This is a really good point and definitely something i've experienced in past relationships.
I've been so concerned with attachment and what they think about me that i'm not really thinking about what I really like about them. Then once i've gotten more secure i've given it more thought and realised that I don't actually work that well with that particular girl. I'll end up breaking it off and become the asshole in the situation.
Definitely could have avoided some of their heartache if I had dealt with my own insecurities. That sucks.
SliceSabre
Banned
I could practically hear everyone I've ever known including myself nodding their head when I read up on Dismissive–avoidant. My greatest strength and weakness has been my fierce independent streak my whole life, I'm a lone wolf type of guy and I'm pretty happy with that. Hard spots about my childhood made me into the strong person I am today. I very easily dismiss or consider petty a lot of stuff other people consider valuable in relationships and can very easily drop out of one without a second thought. Whenever I see threads about people despairing about their relationships I just shake my head, why would you depend on another person so much?
I can do it myself I don't need anybody else nor do I really want anybody else.
I can do it myself I don't need anybody else nor do I really want anybody else.
entremet
Member
Yeah, the book talks about gender stereotyping with the types.
In our common culture, we even have gendered stereotypes for these types--the clingy girlfriend and the aloof boyfriend.
But men can be anxious types and women can be avoidants obviously. Male anxious types may be ridiculed and female avoidants may be shamed and forced to settle down by society and parents.
Your friend may not be communicating his needs well or is picking the wrong people. Abundance mentality and taking it slow, looking for a person that is comfortable meeting his needs should help.
Anxious types tend to lock onto the first person they're attracted to instead of vetting if the person would be a good match.
But once anxious types have a secure base, they do act secure! It's the dependency paradox. However, modern dating books tell anxious types to play it cool, which is totally against their emotional wiring. The trick is learning to communicate those needs with boldness, don't be ashamed of your needs for closeness.
Yup. I 100% vouch for this. My partner and I independently learned about this during a year of psychotherapy with our independent psychologists. His counselor helped him identify and correct his behaviors stemmed from insecure attachment. We both have anxiety, and we had a challenging long distance relationship, but it greatly improved when he learned he was co-dependent and had an unhealthy attachment style that smothered me, someone who grew up securely attached. He learned how to grow out if his insecure attachment and we now have a thriving relationship. We're so healthy that we see common pitfalls that ignorant or immature couples walk themselves into and we have trouble seeing how we could ever be vulnerable to something like it again.
Most dating advice is terrible, self-centered and short-term gain-oriented. In reality, a loving partnership is something that requires work, forgiveness, patience, and sacrifice, especially when two people come from different home lives that may or may not have been abusive. Especially in the LGBT dating world, the common dating wisdom can be so vapid and immature, giving up on partners as soon as they exhibit a trait that's different from what they are "looking for," and people end up dating the same people in a mutual social pool repeatedly, unhappy because they haven't found "the one" instead of realizing you WORK to make it work with "the one"
Most dating advice is terrible, self-centered and short-term gain-oriented. In reality, a loving partnership is something that requires work, forgiveness, patience, and sacrifice, especially when two people come from different home lives that may or may not have been abusive. Especially in the LGBT dating world, the common dating wisdom can be so vapid and immature, giving up on partners as soon as they exhibit a trait that's different from what they are "looking for," and people end up dating the same people in a mutual social pool repeatedly, unhappy because they haven't found "the one" instead of realizing you WORK to make it work with "the one"
Ethical Hedonism
Banned
What if you externalize a avoidant persona but inside you are actually anxious, as a learned behaviour?
entremet
Member
Dating and Relationship advice should be separate. I think that's the issue. Dating is mostly about gaining interest and prospects.
Relationship advice is a whole different ball game. But I agree. There's tons of bad stuff out there and I also think that's why the PUA stuff gained so much popularity. The lack of clear alternatives. PUA stuff is also marketed like crazy online.
You're technically anxious. The book talks about that. Due to our highly independent dating landscape, many anxious types develop an avoidant persona since that's the general advice--be cool and aloof. But you are denying your partner's the ability to meet your true needs. You're also not being true to yourself.
WordsintheWater
Member
This is me completely. That's why the initial process of dating is so difficult to navigate through. Once I'm in a relationship though or feel solid, I'm really aloof. I've gotten way better then I used to be, but still something to work on.
Ethical Hedonism
Banned
Nice, I'll give it a listen.
It's a very interesting subject. If you asked me 5 years ago, I'd assume I'd be the dismissive type. I've always felt independent and a generally un-needy person. A lone wolf, if you will. However, as I age, I realize that that has not been the case my whole life and the independence I feel is only towards the majority of the population: I don't want to rely on most people, but I need to rely on some. And those that I have relationships with are very important to me. It's almost like I have a very restrictive guideline for someone becoming close to me, but once they are, I put too much stake in a relationship, exemplifying anxious-preoccupied to a literal tee.
Good thing I married a mostly secure type, she understands my cilngyness, even though it annoys her sometimes.
I've had times where she's in a bad mood and I almost always assume it's something I did wrong, which is very rarely the case. I need to work on stuff like that.
Is this book useful for already established, committed relationships? I've been with my wife for 10 years and we are doing great, but still have the same issues with communication mostly stemming from me being a high-anxiety person. I've mostly accepted this as a status quo, and it ain't really that bad at all, but if it's something that I can actually better in myself, I'm all ears.
Good thing I married a mostly secure type, she understands my cilngyness, even though it annoys her sometimes.
I've had times where she's in a bad mood and I almost always assume it's something I did wrong, which is very rarely the case. I need to work on stuff like that.
Is this book useful for already established, committed relationships? I've been with my wife for 10 years and we are doing great, but still have the same issues with communication mostly stemming from me being a high-anxiety person. I've mostly accepted this as a status quo, and it ain't really that bad at all, but if it's something that I can actually better in myself, I'm all ears.
Oh, look, I'm not the only one!
entremet
Member
Yes. It has strategies for dating and for established relationships.It's a very interesting subject. If you asked me 5 years ago, I'd assume I'd be the dismissive type. I've always felt independent and a generally un-needy person. A lone wolf, if you will. However, as I age, I realize that that has not been the case my whole life and the independence I feel is only towards the majority of the population: I don't want to rely on most people, but I need to rely on some. And those that I have relationships with are very important to me. It's almost like I have a very restrictive guideline for someone becoming close to me, but once they are, I put too much stake in a relationship, exemplifying anxious-preoccupied to a literal tee.
Good thing I married a mostly secure type, she understands my cilngyness, even though it annoys her sometimes.
I've had times where she's in a bad mood and I almost always assume it's something I did wrong, which is very rarely the case. I need to work on stuff like that.
Is this book useful for already established, committed relationships? I've been with my wife for 10 years and we are doing great, but still have the same issues with communication mostly stemming from me being a high-anxiety person. I've mostly accepted this as a status quo, and it ain't really that bad at all, but if it's something that I can actually better in myself, I'm all ears.
Oh, look, I'm not the only one!
If we are going by this system then I suppose that would be my current relationship as well. It causes friction to be sure but we're able to talk through it.
titiklabingapat
Member
Does this book have any advice for starting a new relationship? Mainly he is interested at first but when I finally decide that I'm also interested, they became aloof.