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Advice Needed: My Boss Hates My Guts

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Realyst

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**RANT INCOMING**

Ok, so I’m a project manager for a small-medium sized company. I was promoted from another area within the company after being here for a year. Not to be cocky about it, but I have to say that I was pretty awesome at that job. Received numerous accolades from my boss, my boss’s boss, and the COO because I saved the company a few million dollars. That exposure helped me to move up to my current position. This is the first time that I’ve officially had the PM title, and I’ve been doing this for about a year.

Even though I am a rookie PM, I believe that I do my job very well. All of my project sponsors (usually mid-upper level management) have given me props. I’ve completed projects on time, under budget, and within scope. My boss never acknowledges those props. Ever since Day 1, I’ve tried to go to her for escalation requests or general advice. Sometimes she helps (after twisting her arm), sometimes she just completely ignores it or puts it on someone else. She’s taken projects from me for almost no reason (“You missed a milestone date by two days, I can’t rely on you to complete this project.”). Really insignificant shit.

If you’re a project manager, you know that this job carries with it a lot of weight. Whether it’s budget constraints, unrealistic milestone dates pushed by management, etc., there’s always going to be some pressure coming from somewhere to just “get it done.” Catching this flak from managers not directly involved in your projects is one thing (it’s expected), but having your manager (a PM herself) jump down your throat for very little reason is just a different beast altogether.

Now, a competent boss would receive inquiries from upper management about a project’s status, defend his or her subordinates as much as possible if the status is in the yellow or red, and then proceed to jump down their direct report’s throat behind closed doors (or through private email). This is mutually beneficial for all, right? Just diffuse the situation, and correct the problem. My boss just completely throws me under the bus at every opportunity in front of these managers. I’ve been turned into the fall guy numerous times. This has been a constant occurrence for almost the entire time I’ve been here. She tried to give me a performance evaluation with A LOT of petty shit written in it, with every area marked as “Unacceptable”. I had no choice but to protest each and every item. She ended up rescinding it after our heated discussion on it.

I just don’t know what to do. GAF is probably going to say “just quit”, but I really can’t right now. I’m getting married next May, and I really need this exposure as this will be my career. I really need to have some years under my belt in this position if I’m ever able to move to another company, let alone move up within this company. I plan to get my PMP after the wedding, so that will help my marketing for later. So, what are my options?

For the TL;DR crowd: Rookie PM continues to be setup by his boss to fail for no reason. Can’t quit due to life circumstances plus it would disrupt his career path.
 
Sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place, OP.

It's hard when your direct manager has taken an unreasonable position against yours :< Is there no way to clear the air and see what's her issues are? Does she have other PMs under her? Does she treat them better, if there are?

Maybe she's thinking that she's building you up with 'tough love' approach. I've seen misguided managers do this, to unfortunate results.

As for options, seeing that you need to keep the job for your commitments, there's probably very little that you can do except to keep a more cautious eye on your supervisor's tells, document everything, and if/when possible, try to get on her better side?

Good luck OP. Stay strong o7
 
Have a sit down with her. Have her lay out her expectations and you do the same for her.

Ensure her you are working your ass off and you are both here for the best interests of the company. Get on the same page.

Maybe the things that you think are "petty" are pretty important to her and are the things that you need to ensure are being done with the utmost priority.
 
You should start looking for another job. I know that's not helpful, but if your boss wants you to be unsuccessful, you probably will be unsuccessful.

In the meantime, you should document everything. Never have a direct conversation without sending a documentary email afterwards covering what you discussed, and prefer email for anything important. Whenever you're sending a request for help or information, CC somebody on or above her level.

Did you move up from QA? What did you catch?
 
Does she treat all her employees like this, or just you?

If it's the latter, then there must be something else you're not telling us. Deep down, you must have at least some idea why she's treating you like this.

If it's really as bad as it sounds, I'd make an attempt to reconcile with her whatever it is that's causing this. Grit your teeth, tell her you can tell something is wrong, and that you want to fix it. Having an adversarial relationship with your boss, even if it's not your fault, isn't going to get you anywhere. Part of career success is learning to work with all sorts of people.
 
Try to see if this is how she's treating other people under her. Chances are it sounds like she has something out for your personally and likely hates that you've risen so quickly. Fearing you'll replace her or move above her is likely fueling this. I don't think it's going to far to say she's trying to sabotage you. Is there someone higher you can go to after documenting you've tried to discuss things with her? HR? Her boss or supervisor? Those that have acknowledged your work while she bad mouths you?

I agree if she really has it out for you then looking for a new job is going to be key. Especially if there is no one else you can take your concerns to. If there is then that might change things. If she wants to ruin you then she will and no amount of talking to her is going to change that. One does not simply decide to do what she seems to be doing by accident. Her ultimate goal is likely to have you fired and your record tainted. You should document any and all communication with her. Follow up emails as well if you happen to talk to her in person so everything is documented.
 
Best thing to do is just pull her aside, and lay it out in the open. I was in a similar situation OP a few years back at a job where I had a boss that just seemed to have it in for me. I finally had enough, and showed up, walked in his office, closed the door, and told him we're either hammering out our issues, or he's going to have to fire me.

Ended up being something completely BS. Some other employee that had quit had went to him beforehand and started spilling all kinds of lies about how I was making fun of him, which wasn't ever the case. Once we got it all out, and dealt with, things got better.

Worth a shot OP, and it could earn your boss' respect by not laying down.
 
Sounds like your new project should be finding a new job. If this is not an option (though it almost always is) have an open and candid conversation about these issues. Do not shy away from what you percieve as professional injustices and enter the conversation with an open mind and attempt to see things from her perspective. If she does not do the same see my original advice.

Or you can do what too many people do, shut up and hate your job. (not advised)

Does your place of employment have an HR department? They are trained to deal with these situations.
 
pigeon said:
You should start looking for another job. I know that's not helpful, but if your boss wants you to be unsuccessful, you probably will be unsuccessful.

In the meantime, you should document everything. Never have a direct conversation without sending a documentary email afterwards covering what you discussed, and prefer email for anything important. Whenever you're sending a request for help or information, CC somebody on or above her level.

Did you move up from QA? What did you catch?
Click to expand...

I agree with this sentiment as the unfortunate reality. There is rarely a fix for this; people don't change easily. Make sure you document everything to cover yourself. Look for other opportunities in the same pay range (I know, job hunting sucks) and hope you either find a new job or that your current boss is replaced.
 
She's likely feeling threatened because she is knowledgable of how quickly you've ascended the ladder. In fear of losing her position to you, she's trying to find any petty thing she can to discredit you and to make her appear the better employee.

You're in a tough spot. However, in no way should you continue to be blamed for issues that are out of your control. That can ruin your reputation and chances at promotion pretty damn quick.
 
Surely she has a boss or you have a HR department you can talk to, seems like victimisation to me.

Make a complaint or failing that ask her what her problem is with you.
 
Also, take comfort in the fact that most people who have experience managing a staff (myself included) see right through this behavior.

It is absolutely toxic to moral and productivity.
 
AdmiralHerrick said:
Surely she has a boss or you have a HR department you can talk to, seems like victimisation to me.

Make a complaint or failing that ask her what her problem is with you.
Click to expand...

I'd be careful to involve HR into it too early. Performance management issues do not fall under bullying / victimisation. Bosses have the rights to manage their staff's performance.

And once HR is involved, or a complaint is lodged, things get SUPER FORMALIZED and people are always so resentful about that. Even more resentful than previously, at some cases.

But if you do have solid enough proof and trails of documents that can back you up, OP, then to be sure, HR would be a viable course of action.
 
If you don't want to look for a new job outside your company, is it possible to transfer within your own company?
 
YesNOnoNOYes said:
Sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place, OP.

It's hard when your direct manager has taken an unreasonable position against yours :< Is there no way to clear the air and see what's her issues are? Does she have other PMs under her? Does she treat them better, if there are?

Maybe she's thinking that she's building you up with 'tough love' approach. I've seen misguided managers do this, to unfortunate results.

As for options, seeing that you need to keep the job for your commitments, there's probably very little that you can do except to keep a more cautious eye on your supervisor's tells, document everything, and if/when possible, try to get on her better side?

Good luck OP. Stay strong o7
Click to expand...

Thanks for this! Yeah, I've tried to just have a general conversation with her just to see what is expected of me and possibly get on her good side. She usually pivots pretty sharply if the discussion gets too personal, unfortunately.

She has other direct reports. I've yet to see or hear about them getting the same treatment. They all have a healthy rapport with her (inside jokes in internal meetings and such). At first I thought it may just be tough love, but now it just feels like she's trying to sabotage me at every turn.

It's so stressful to have to deal with this, plus an inherently stressful job at the same time! I'll try to document all of our discussions. I would just hate to have to create an HR shitstorm, ugh.
 
pigeon said:
You should start looking for another job. I know that's not helpful, but if your boss wants you to be unsuccessful, you probably will be unsuccessful.

In the meantime, you should document everything. Never have a direct conversation without sending a documentary email afterwards covering what you discussed, and prefer email for anything important. Whenever you're sending a request for help or information, CC somebody on or above her level.

Did you move up from QA? What did you catch?
Click to expand...

I too have to agree with this sentiment. I had a manager that absolutely hated me for whatever reason honestly I never figured out why. I would hear from my supervisors that he would constantly say bad things about me, making me sound like I didn't work hard enough, things like that, even though it wasn't true. If it wasn't for the fact that many of the supervisors liked me and told me things, I would have been fired, because all the managers thought poorly of me thanks to that jerk. Eventually I had to leave because I knew it was only a matter of time and I wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

To be fair though, the job wasn't all that great anyway, if it were, I may have tried to fight it somehow. Some people are just nasty by nature. Maybe they feel threatened by you or maybe they just get off on bullying others, either way the end result is likely not going to be in your favor and the last thing you want is for them to be able to affect your future job prospects.
 
Document document document. Save all corrispondence and create a diary - date and time - every time she pulls you in her office or is verbal with you.

This may come to a head with a "her word vs. your word" and she will win because she has authority. You can beat that with proper documentation outlining how her daily demands creates a hostile and unreasonable workplace.

EDIT: Beaten by a pigeon! So then I'll just say ditto. That after-meeting email is good adivce. DO IT OP.
 
Realyst said:
Thanks for this! Yeah, I've tried to just have a general conversation with her just to see what is expected of me and possibly get on her good side. She usually pivots pretty sharply if the discussion gets too personal, unfortunately.

She has other direct reports. I've yet to see or hear about them getting the same treatment. They all have a healthy rapport with her (inside jokes in internal meetings and such). At first I thought it may just be tough love, but now it just feels like she's trying to sabotage me at every turn.

It's so stressful to have to deal with this, plus an inherently stressful job at the same time! I'll try to document all of our discussions. I would just hate to have to create an HR shitstorm, ugh.
Click to expand...

I think you're doing everything that you can do right, OP. General conversations are the way to go. If she is blocking you whenever you try to discuss less stressful, more personal matters, it sounds like she's really trying hard not to be friendly with you. It may indicate that she's got deeper-rooted issues against you :<

Oh, she has other direct reports that has good rapports with her? Hmmm. Since you are the newest in the bunch, this is quite dire. She's undermining your reputation not only with other managers but also as a comparison against your fellow PMs.

I can see how it would be super stressful to deal with additional drama on top of your job, Realyst >___< I think, as have been echoed here a lot, maybe it is a good time to start looking for other similar positions either in other department or outside of the company?

How long have you been with the company entirely? I mean, you said you have just recently been promoted into PM but maybe if your resume is robust enough, you can find better opportunities with similar remuneration somewhere else? Not sure if you can get the same level at the new place though, seeing that they will ask how long have you been PM in your last position....

But sometimes, slight backstep is better than enduring emotional and mental duress at work. It's a tough toss up, though. Have you told your fiance about this? If not, it might be a good time to break the ground softly, just in case you may have to let go of this position.

In the meanwhile, yes, document everything and be super careful around known issues!

And good luck with involving HR if you decide to do so. It'll be super uncomfortable, but if you have strong enough data, it may prove to be the best course of action.
 
Realyst said:
She tried to give me a performance evaluation with A LOT of petty shit written in it, with every area marked as “Unacceptable”. I had no choice but to protest each and every item. She ended up rescinding it after our heated discussion on it.
Click to expand...

Wow, that is awful. At my company that basically means you're getting fired soon, so start looking for something else. How big is this company you're working for? If you're talking about shaving millions of dollars off budgets then it sounds pretty big, have you spoken with internal recruiting?
 
pigeon said:
You should start looking for another job. I know that's not helpful, but if your boss wants you to be unsuccessful, you probably will be unsuccessful.

In the meantime, you should document everything. Never have a direct conversation without sending a documentary email afterwards covering what you discussed, and prefer email for anything important. Whenever you're sending a request for help or information, CC somebody on or above her level.

Did you move up from QA? What did you catch?
Click to expand...

I know that this is the correct path, but it really sucks to have to basically delete all the progress I've made here.

Yep, I'll start consistently documenting every encounter.

I moved up from technical analyst. We were super inefficient with our various departmental workloads. My excel skills and regression modeling really saved the day!
 
pigeon said:
You should start looking for another job. I know that's not helpful, but if your boss wants you to be unsuccessful, you probably will be unsuccessful.

In the meantime, you should document everything. Never have a direct conversation without sending a documentary email afterwards covering what you discussed, and prefer email for anything important. Whenever you're sending a request for help or information, CC somebody on or above her level.

Did you move up from QA? What did you catch?
Click to expand...

The mails are in your outbox if needed in future. If you have a problem with someone and you've already spoken to them directly to no affect, arrange a meeting/send a private mail to their superior outlining your concerns. Do not play the CC game. Do not get HR involved. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
 
I was actually in a mirrored experience two years ago. I became a project manager within a year for a small company. My boss (also a woman) didn't like me over the stupidest little shit and eventually told the owner that I constantly sleep on the job. I was fired as a result.

Probably the best thing to ever happen to me as I work for another company that pays me twice as much and the people are incredible. You'll find your way if you just play things out I find.
 
My friend, what you're dealing with here is what we like to call a bully.

Bullies are, fundamentally, very insecure people. Deep down, they know that they have a lot of incompetence that shortchanges their ability to get ahead via talent/hard work/positive networking and so they typically get to where they are in life by the path of least resistance available to them: They intimidate the weak and lazy people around them into submission.

I've dealt with bullies in my life so well because, admittedly, I used to be one. It's a very bitter, empty existence because regardless of what a bully might tell themselves, both they and everyone around them is completely aware of the score. They're shitty people and nobody likes them. The only "friends" they have are really just lacky/henchmen types that amount to nothing more than lesser bullies in training, and the friendship/loyalty they have to them is some warped relation to how they themselves are insecure and lacking in proper social and technical skill.

I can understand and relate to your genuine frustration, OP. Clearly, you have a sense of purpose and self-respect professionally that are very appealing qualities that a number of people have already recognized. Unfortunately, so has this bully. The previous comments about this person being secretly intimidated and fearful of your power to perform and interact with others above, beside, and beneath you is totally correct. In fact, being in such close proximity to these people, especially in your case where you are a direct report, only compounds a bully's own sense of inadequacy.

Where to go from here? There are more than a couple of strategies, but they really kind of break down into two basic categories; either leave, or confront the abuse.

Leaving feels like a failure on your part, and you might feel like a coward for letting such a petty, confused individual beat you. However, leaving will result in the least amount of collateral damage that others may see as insubordination at worst, and upsetting the apple cart at best. This person is in the position they are in for a combination of ridiculous reasons such as tenure, an antiquated or broken form of corporate hierarchy, or because certain people have been made afraid of her by social harassment beyond the organization, or perhaps the threat of bullshit discrimination lawsuit(it's not out of the realm of possibility that HR and her managers are well aware of her problems, perhaps also any treatments she may be undergoing under the FMLA, which can really tie up their hands getting rid of her). They've probably gotten numb to her pathology, and pretty much ignore her inanities, expecting people to figure that out on their own because openly admitting this probably isn't the most seemly position for higher management to take, despite the fact that it's working just fine for them, personally.

Confronting the abuse is, quite frankly, the proper course of action in any case, but their will be consequences. People are weird when it comes to conflict. Everybody wants to start some shit, but nobody wants to be in any shit, you know? Seems like anyone can get in on gossip about somebody else's troubles and have all kinds of opinions and principles, until it becomes their own problem, or a problem that effects them even indirectly. If you start with documenting every single conversation, and cc'ing people to it, you'll not only exacerbate things with the bully, who will know exactly what you're doing, but you'll also be pulling other people into these problems. You can tell yourself, "well, it's in the interests of the company, so people should care," but, honestly, while you may sincerely believe that, not everybody is going to be interested in being party to this shit. Comes back to what I was saying about how folks in organizations tend to become numb to the predictable bullshit of certain people, because their roles and responsibilities must be filled and performed, somehow. It's called social pampering. But, as you might correctly suspect, this does nothing but let a problem fester, and creates issues for competent, talented performers like yourself who would only be working harder and getting more done if they didn't have to deal with such stupid people.

It's hard to tell you exactly what to do, because there's many dynamics at play here with who you are working with, and many unknowns that higher ups will go out of their way to hide because of matters of personnel privacy and, most likely, their own shame at not knowing what to do with this person, which is just a reflection of their own poor leadership. No matter what, remember that in all walks of life, personal and professional, what we tolerate, we validate. Again, either take your skill and passion to another organization that doesn't foster this kind of unproductive behavior, or make it clear to this bully, and others, that you will not be torn down from your destiny because she's butthurt about her own. Be savvy. Pay attention. Don't get mad, don't get even. Get ahead. In the end, it's the worst thing you can possibly do to her, and coming from a former bully, maybe the only thing that will snap her out of it.

Good luck, OP.
 
If you're as well-respected by her higher-ups as you claim, it will reflect very poorly on her if you make your beefs known to them and threaten to leave the company. It's risky, to be sure, but if they acknowledge your contributions they will keep her in line.
 
Same company for years and had run into couple of bosses that for whatever reason just didn&#8217;t like me. I&#8217;m a good employee - reviews have always been above average, and promoted into a job that I like and want stay at (underwriter). They just exist, they may have some underlying personal reason why they don&#8217;t like you, or like to make worklife &#8216;hell&#8217;. It could be anything from appearance to jealousy. In all cases where I had a boss that didn&#8217;t like or support me I still had good reviews, since higher management and HR have to agree on the final rating they really had no case to say I was bad.

Like was said earlier document - I always blind CC myself on e-mails for backup, and everything I do in writing, if I had a phone convo then I summarize it in an e-mail and either send it to myself or copy the others involved. Or just go to HR to have it documented, explain no action has to be taken but at least you can have it documented incase the sky falls.
 
Realyst said:
I know that this is the correct path, but it really sucks to have to basically delete all the progress I've made here.

Yep, I'll start consistently documenting every encounter.

I moved up from technical analyst. We were super inefficient with our various departmental workloads. My excel skills and regression modeling really saved the day!
Click to expand...

Just keep in mind that you got promoted for being effective. You won't stop being effective at a new job, but you'll stop being judged by people for the job you started with.

My experience of the new economy is that my wife had to move jobs every year for three years to get the raises she clearly deserved. It wasn't much fun, but because she's competent and hard-working, in every new job she established the same reputation she had at her old job. She didn't stop until she finally found a place where the "environmental factors" aren't blocking her from progressing. I know that's frustrating to hear, but I feel like that's just how jobs work nowadays.
 
pigeon said:
Just keep in mind that you got promoted for being effective. You won't stop being effective at a new job, but you'll stop being judged by people for the job you started with.

My experience of the new economy is that my wife had to move jobs every year for three years to get the raises she clearly deserved. It wasn't much fun, but because she's competent and hard-working, in every new job she established the same reputation she had at her old job. She didn't stop until she finally found a place where the "environmental factors" aren't blocking her from progressing. I know that's frustrating to hear, but I feel like that's just how jobs work nowadays.
Click to expand...

This. My girlfriend had to recently do something similar, mostly because her boss was a terrible person. I'm not saying switch jobs now but don't be discourage from leaving this job in the future if needed because of the progress you made here. You now have the title of PM and can put on your resume on the things you did to get it. This could easily get you a just as nice position elsewhere.
 
Lord Fagan said:
My friend, what you're dealing with here is what we like to call a bully.

Bullies are, fundamentally, very insecure people. Deep down, they know that they have a lot of incompetence that shortchanges their ability to get ahead via talent/hard work/positive networking and so they typically get to where they are in life by the path of least resistance available to them: They intimidate the weak and lazy people around them into submission.

I've dealt with bullies in my life so well because, admittedly, I used to be one. It's a very bitter, empty existence because regardless of what a bully might tell themselves, both they and everyone around them is completely aware of the score. They're shitty people and nobody likes them. The only "friends" they have are really just lacky/henchmen types that amount to nothing more than lesser bullies in training, and the friendship/loyalty they have to them is some warped relation to how they themselves are insecure and lacking in proper social and technical skill.

I can understand and relate to your genuine frustration, OP. Clearly, you have a sense of purpose and self-respect professionally that are very appealing qualities that a number of people have already recognized. Unfortunately, so has this bully. The previous comments about this person being secretly intimidated and fearful of your power to perform and interact with others above, beside, and beneath you is totally correct. In fact, being in such close proximity to these people, especially in your case where you are a direct report, only compounds a bully's own sense of inadequacy.

Where to go from here? There are more than a couple of strategies, but they really kind of break down into two basic categories; either leave, or confront the abuse.

Leaving feels like a failure on your part, and you might feel like a coward for letting such a petty, confused individual beat you. However, leaving will result in the least amount of collateral damage that others may see as insubordination at worst, and upsetting the apple cart at best. This person is in the position they are in for a combination of ridiculous reasons such as tenure, an antiquated or broken form of corporate hierarchy, or because certain people have been made afraid of her by social harassment beyond the organization, or perhaps the threat of bullshit discrimination lawsuit(it's not out of the realm of possibility that HR and her managers are well aware of her problems, perhaps also any treatments she may be undergoing under the FMLA, which can really tie up their hands getting rid of her). They've probably gotten numb to her pathology, and pretty much ignore her inanities, expecting people to figure that out on their own because openly admitting this probably isn't the most seemly position for higher management to take, despite the fact that it's working just fine for them, personally.

Confronting the abuse is, quite frankly, the proper course of action in any case, but their will be consequences. People are weird when it comes to conflict. Everybody wants to start some shit, but nobody wants to be in any shit, you know? Seems like anyone can get in on gossip about somebody else's troubles and have all kinds of opinions and principles, until it becomes their own problem, or a problem that effects them even indirectly. If you start with documenting every single conversation, and cc'ing people to it, you'll not only exacerbate things with the bully, who will know exactly what you're doing, but you'll also be pulling other people into these problems. You can tell yourself, "well, it's in the interests of the company, so people should care," but, honestly, while you may sincerely believe that, not everybody is going to be interested in being party to this shit. Comes back to what I was saying about how folks in organizations tend to become numb to the predictable bullshit of certain people, because their roles and responsibilities must be filled and performed, somehow. It's called social pampering. But, as you might correctly suspect, this does nothing but let a problem fester, and creates issues for competent, talented performers like yourself who would only be working harder and getting more done if they didn't have to deal with such stupid people.

It's hard to tell you exactly what to do, because there's many dynamics at play here with who you are working with, and many unknowns that higher ups will go out of their way to hide because of matters of personnel privacy and, most likely, their own shame at not knowing what to do with this person, which is just a reflection of their own poor leadership. No matter what, remember that in all walks of life, personal and professional, what we tolerate, we validate. Again, either take your skill and passion to another organization that doesn't foster this kind of unproductive behavior, or make it clear to this bully, and others, that you will not be torn down from your destiny because she's butthurt about her own. Be savvy. Pay attention. Don't get mad, don't get even. Get ahead. In the end, it's the worst thing you can possibly do to her, and coming from a former bully, maybe the only thing that will snap her out of it.

Good luck, OP.
Click to expand...

Thanks for this perspective, Lord Fagan! That's exactly why I feel like I should avoid starting any HR-related proceedings unprovoked.
 
As others had said, sounds like your boss trying make sure you don't excel over her and make her look bad.

But also, sit down with your boss and make sure you are both on the same page.

However, be very cautious. I had a boss like this once. She ended up "letting me go" due to "budget issues" (eventhough she hired 4 new people after me kek).
 
Lactose_Intolerant said:
She knows you are a rising star and doesn't want you taking her job
Click to expand...

I am surprised that it took so many replies for this to pop up. If all of what the OP says is true, it's pretty obvious that this is the case.

You just have to play office politics here and start engaging your boss's boss and subtly throw your boss under the bus when possible.
 
Lord Fagan said:
My friend, what you're dealing with here is what we like to call a bully.

Bullies are, fundamentally, very insecure people. Deep down, they know that they have a lot of incompetence that shortchanges their ability to get ahead via talent/hard work/positive networking and so they typically get to where they are in life by the path of least resistance available to them: They intimidate the weak and lazy people around them into submission.

I've dealt with bullies in my life so well because, admittedly, I used to be one. It's a very bitter, empty existence because regardless of what a bully might tell themselves, both they and everyone around them is completely aware of the score. They're shitty people and nobody likes them. The only "friends" they have are really just lacky/henchmen types that amount to nothing more than lesser bullies in training, and the friendship/loyalty they have to them is some warped relation to how they themselves are insecure and lacking in proper social and technical skill.

I can understand and relate to your genuine frustration, OP. Clearly, you have a sense of purpose and self-respect professionally that are very appealing qualities that a number of people have already recognized. Unfortunately, so has this bully. The previous comments about this person being secretly intimidated and fearful of your power to perform and interact with others above, beside, and beneath you is totally correct. In fact, being in such close proximity to these people, especially in your case where you are a direct report, only compounds a bully's own sense of inadequacy.

Where to go from here? There are more than a couple of strategies, but they really kind of break down into two basic categories; either leave, or confront the abuse.

Leaving feels like a failure on your part, and you might feel like a coward for letting such a petty, confused individual beat you. However, leaving will result in the least amount of collateral damage that others may see as insubordination at worst, and upsetting the apple cart at best. This person is in the position they are in for a combination of ridiculous reasons such as tenure, an antiquated or broken form of corporate hierarchy, or because certain people have been made afraid of her by social harassment beyond the organization, or perhaps the threat of bullshit discrimination lawsuit(it's not out of the realm of possibility that HR and her managers are well aware of her problems, perhaps also any treatments she may be undergoing under the FMLA, which can really tie up their hands getting rid of her). They've probably gotten numb to her pathology, and pretty much ignore her inanities, expecting people to figure that out on their own because openly admitting this probably isn't the most seemly position for higher management to take, despite the fact that it's working just fine for them, personally.

Confronting the abuse is, quite frankly, the proper course of action in any case, but their will be consequences. People are weird when it comes to conflict. Everybody wants to start some shit, but nobody wants to be in any shit, you know? Seems like anyone can get in on gossip about somebody else's troubles and have all kinds of opinions and principles, until it becomes their own problem, or a problem that effects them even indirectly. If you start with documenting every single conversation, and cc'ing people to it, you'll not only exacerbate things with the bully, who will know exactly what you're doing, but you'll also be pulling other people into these problems. You can tell yourself, "well, it's in the interests of the company, so people should care," but, honestly, while you may sincerely believe that, not everybody is going to be interested in being party to this shit. Comes back to what I was saying about how folks in organizations tend to become numb to the predictable bullshit of certain people, because their roles and responsibilities must be filled and performed, somehow. It's called social pampering. But, as you might correctly suspect, this does nothing but let a problem fester, and creates issues for competent, talented performers like yourself who would only be working harder and getting more done if they didn't have to deal with such stupid people.

It's hard to tell you exactly what to do, because there's many dynamics at play here with who you are working with, and many unknowns that higher ups will go out of their way to hide because of matters of personnel privacy and, most likely, their own shame at not knowing what to do with this person, which is just a reflection of their own poor leadership. No matter what, remember that in all walks of life, personal and professional, what we tolerate, we validate. Again, either take your skill and passion to another organization that doesn't foster this kind of unproductive behavior, or make it clear to this bully, and others, that you will not be torn down from your destiny because she's butthurt about her own. Be savvy. Pay attention. Don't get mad, don't get even. Get ahead. In the end, it's the worst thing you can possibly do to her, and coming from a former bully, maybe the only thing that will snap her out of it.

Good luck, OP.
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No offense but this is completely shit advice. Leave or confront? "Torn down from your destiny"? This isn't high school, wtf. This is his career.
 
Btw, my fiance is being very supportive about this stuff. She says that I should leave if I'm completely miserable (she really doesn't want her husband having a heart attack anytime soon) and we'll figure it out. I just really don't want to put her in a position to where she might have to support both of us for a while...especially right after we get married.
 
Either you're not half as awesome as you imagine you are, or your boss isn't very good at her job. If you are the golden child who saved his company millions of dollars then you shouldn't have any problem finding support and another position from your superiors.
 
Realyst said:
Btw, my fiance is being very supportive about this stuff. She says that I should leave if I'm completely miserable (she really doesn't want her husband having a heart attack anytime soon) and we'll figure it out. I just really don't want to put her in a position to where she might have to support both of us for a while...especially right after we get married.
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That's awesome, Realyst :> She sounds like a great GF.

Again, good luck ! I hope with some luck, you can resolve the situation to your benefits :)
 
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