Very interesting article I can relate with on some points.
Sixth grade for me was when I became disinterested in people as friends because everyone had suddenly become too cool for everything like video games and so on. Everyone became meaner, too, and--while I wasn't picked on--people would snipe comments about my weight back then and scoff when they'd find out I still liked Pokemon.
I became very bitter and cold that year, and I never smiled. It was such a huge shift for me to get accustomed to because I was friends with everybody in my class for grades 1-5, and it was fun. I would also have friends over to my house or I'd go to theirs. It wasn't like that one bit in sixth grade, and it made me sad. I stopped communicating with my parents as frequently, too, because I never wanted to discuss school matters, and that's all they would ask about.
Seventh grade and onward were better, but not by much. The damage had been done and I was more careful about who I let myself get invested in, and this mindset continued and worsened in high school. I made maybe three friends during seventh and eighth grade total, and one was my best friend (female), whom I haven't really kept in contact with much lately.
High school was a mess for me and a blight on my life, but I made a few friends, so it wasn't too bad. Unfortunately, I didn't think of them as enough to make my high school life better and, in fact, I never discussed personal matters that upset me with them. I preferred to have fun with them than open up about what ailed me. Instead, I'd listen to their problems and help them out as best I could.
My best friend always said she hoped she were like me, because I never let anything get to me (which was true). I would always reply that it's better to feel than not at all, which is how I felt most of the time. I didn't care about anything during high school: not myself, my classmates, my grades, being in a relationship, making friends, and a whole host of other things.
Ironically, I was (and still am) a pretty excitable fellow when I was with friends, which is probably why they always thought nothing was wrong (honestly, there rarely was. I was just dead inside overall).
I'd say I've gotten better as the years go by, as I'm slowly returning to my former self. And when I say slowly, I mean at a snail's pace, but it's happening. I am slightly appreciative of what I became, though, because it feels like I won't let myself get hurt (as much).
Being skeptic and cynical while being mostly at peace feels like I have my bases covered. I'm still malleable enough to let people in, but I'm just accepting/dead enough inside that I can look past it without feeling much if something happens.
I still have slight opening-up issues, however, mainly because I'm embarrassed to talk about myself. It would feel like I'm making myself vulnerable and be at others' mercy. That feeling scares me. I feel like I'd be able to open up about my issues once I got past them, but, then, there's the rub, isn't it?
TL;DR: livejournal entry
Oh, regarding friendships: I only have one white, heterosexual male friend that I talk to on a mostly-regular basis. It's an online friendship, but that's irrelevant to me. If I could easily hang out with him irl, though, I totally would. What I like about it is that there's no awkward gay vs straight friction. He's my bro.
I have two good gay friends (also online) whose friendships I also value; however, I haven't really kept in touch with one of them because we're on different IM programs and he's always busy, it seems like. What I like about them is that there's no awkward gay vs gay friction. We don't want to get in each other's pants--we're just friends.
irl I have just my best friend after I cut another so-called-friend out of my life recently.
